.....

[*lifeoftheparty*]

..

[Snickerdoodle]

Key word above: "FILLED"

 

 

Mommy, the kid has too much stuff. It's overwhelming for you so just imagine that he's only 6.

 

Get rid of most of it and reclaim your sanity and give your son the gift of not being a slave to stuff.

:grouphug:

[Gratia271]

It is better that you have identified this now as opposed to later and are trying to address it. ;) I think we all try to compensate (and often overcompensate) for the perceived deficiencies of our upbringing, but that is not always the best approach. I include myself in this. I grew up in very rigid private schools and am learning the hard way that two of my children NEED much more structure. By overcompensating, I have created a problem for two of my children. I am now working through that with my oldest.

 

On another level, I have to say that my personal observation of children who are handed so much is that they tend not to appreciate it. Regardless of one's age, I think things that come without much effort are rarely appreciated and sadly not even enjoyed as much, if at all.

 

It will serve your child well that you have identified this and are working on it!! :001_smile:

[Lolly]

:grouphug::lol:At one point, I told the kids to clean up the playroom. A short while later, I sent them to Grandma's. i took almost every toy that was left out, packed them up, and took them to Goodwill. (I did put a few in storage because I couldn't stand the thought of parting with them.) The kids came home to a clean playroom with very few toys. They were ecstatic. They jumped up and down and thanked me for cleaning up so nicely. They NEVER asked for the toys that were gone. They were happier with less. They were better behaved with less. So, go ahead. Cut back. He might even thank you for it!

[Cindyz]

We have clean up time every night. It's part of our getting ready for bed routine. We go through the living room and pick up all toys, books, puzzles and games. We then go into his room and put away all toys, books, puzzles and games. He then gets undressed, jammies on and brush teeth. After that, we either play a family game, read together, or watch a show. At his age, I don't expect him to do it on his own. I also don't think that going through once a week with him is enough. It's a daily routine. It takes 5 - 10 minutes tops and then it does not get overwhelming and out of control. ...and believe me, my guy's room is also filled to the brim with toys and games and everything else...as well as cupboards in our living room, hallway, etc. We have learned that whenever we make the choice to buy something for him, we are taking on part of the responsibility of caring for it. So if it is something with a gazillion pieces, we may think twice about if we want it in our house.

[Ginevra]

It does sound like you have correctly identified the problem. The main issue now is that you will have to be committed to carrying it out.

 

I do totally understand how being deprived of nice things as a child drives you to want your child not to feel that (this was true for me, too), but you have to realize that excess doesn't bring out the best in anyone. Not a single person.

 

Personally, I think breaking the closet shelves should perhaps have resulted in there being *no* closet shelves and getting rid of most everything that would have gone on the shelves. I have to resist this all the time in myself, because it seems like the solution is to buy another bookcase or cabinet for things, but upon reassessment, the solution is to make more space on the bookcases or cabinets we already have.

[Garga]

1. We clean up the playroom about 3 times a day. It's the only way I can get them to understand that it's easier to put things away before getting a new thing out. When I used to clean with them only once every few days, or once a week, it was horrible and grueling and we ALL hated it. So, my advice would be to clean at least once a day with him. Better would be after each meal.

 

2. He has too much stuff. My kids get too much stuff, too. Every couple of months, I clean it out. Some of it gets tossed, but a lot of it goes into the attic in shopping bags. If the kids ask for the items, I bring them out of the attic, but they rarely ask. Once a year I sell it at a tot-swap in our area (sort of a big consignment sale that's held a couple of times a year in the area.)

 

3. Congratulations for figuring this out early! Good job! Everyone will be much happier.

[Daisy]

I think you nailed it with your post. He has too much stuff. He can't appreciate it because it is like a toy and clothing landfill. Pare it down, give it away, throw it out, whatever.

 

Maybe have him help give it away. Let him donate it to the homeless shelter, foster agency, etc. I'd stop pretty much stop buying stuff unless it was to give it away. My kids enjoy MORE buying toys for needy children and buying goats for 3rd world countries than they do playing with their own toys. Make it more about giving than receiving.

 

What you have left, take out of his room. Seriously. Put it into labeled clear boxes and keep it in your garage. He can check out the boxes just like a library book. One box in, one box out. This method has saved my son's life. Cleaning used to be the HUGE ordeal. He just couldn't keep everything organized. He is so much happier now.

[....]

Have you read Simplicity Parenting? http://www.amazon.com/Simplicity-Parenting-Extraordinary-Calmer-Happier/dp/0345507983/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296422379&sr=8-1 It's a good book!

[kalanamak]

 

When I was growing up, I HATED being the kid who never had the cool, popular toys. I hated being the kids who NEVER had name brand, nice clothes. Or that lived in the nice house. And I was grateful for every thing I DID have because of it.

 

Have any of you had to make drastic changes like this??? I'm just... :confused:.

 

My husband has this problem, but it getting better with my help (:D), after I purposefully bought a smaller house.

 

I use the mantra "Anything left in the living room in 15 minutes is MINE!", and I do give stuff away if left. Oh, and most of our toys are non-electronic. Zoobs, Tinkertoys, Snap Circuits (okay, they have a battery), etc. Today for break kiddo spent 20 solid minutes zipping about the house with a fresh-from-the-drier staticy-clingy pair of Papa's undies, seeing what they were "attracted to". No clean up or parts lost at all. Children WILL entertain themselves. His other fav thing this week is a handful of little rubber balls in his sock drawer. He takes out the socks and pulls and pushes the drawer, playing with the inertia of the balls.

 

YOU (and he) CAN DO IT!

[Rosie_0801]

I will be telling friends and family to NOT get him presents. We will get him one gift of his choosing, plus have a party. That is it. For Christmas, he will get 3 gifts, that is it! I will ask that friends/family either not get him anything, OR all pitch in to get him ONE thing, OR just put money into his savings account, OR give him gift cards for things like bowling, movies, skating, etc.

 

Don't tell friends and family not to get him presents. This is a lesson just as much for you as for him. Don't punish him and all his friends and family over your lesson. :grouphug: You obviously had the best intentions, but it's not the kid's fault you didn't implement it the best way. If, from this, you've learned to be a scrooge towards your kid, you're learning the wrong lesson.

 

It just boggles my mind that a child who is SO well-loved and cared for, who has everything a kid could want, who is told "I Love You" several times a day, and taken to Chuck E. Cheese, and parks, vacations, etc. can whine and complain SO MUCH!! He is ALWAYS complaining!! *UGH*

People need something to strive for. He's too young to know it, but what he's grizzling about is you having taken away the opportunity for him to strive for the things he would want to strive for. And he's too young to appreciate it when you modify things to create that opportunity, so expect more grizzling for the foreseeable future ;)

 

He doesn't deserve to be punished for being spoiled when you've brought him up to be spoiled, so make the changes gradually. You've got him home for another 12 years, you can sneak new changes in without hurting anyone too much.

 

I would propose:

 

1. Don't buy him any toy he hasn't asked for. The odd book or lolly won't hurt either of you. You want to buy him stuff, but you can buy smaller things like nicer than usual bread for lunch, seeds for the garden etc. Things he benefits from, but aren't specifically his.

 

2. Get him to help clean out your wardrobe, and make up bags for Goodwill. Keep him involved in the process by shoving the items you toss to him into the bags. Let him see the process- the "get rid of it" pile, the "keep" pile and the "I don't know yet" pile. Before you sort the "I don't know yet" pile, ask if there is anything he doesn't want anymore. Accept "no" as an answer. The less he wants to get rid of, the more of your "I don't know" pile goes back into your wardrobe so you can repeat this again in 6 months time ;)

 

3. Make him start giving. Save the artwork he's most proud of through the year, then in about November, bring them out and show how you've been collecting them so he'd have something to give for Christmas presents this year. Help him label them, and arrange so he can make more for anyone else who should receive one. If he mucks around, quietly ask if he thinks Nanna (or whoever) would be pleased or hurt by receiving something that wasn't his best work. It doesn't matter if his best work looks like a dog's breakfast ;)

 

4. Consider the idea of giving pocket money for regular, ability appropriate jobs. Over the next few years, upgrade the Christmas gift giving to the idea that he'll need to work to save money for presents. Grandmas will keep the pretense at being delighted by artwork a lot longer than grandpas. They prefer their favourite chocolate bars or a home made apple pie.

 

Have any of you had to make drastic changes like this??? I'm just... :confused:

Hehehe, I'm too pov to run into these problems myself. My sister and SIL were a bit like you describe as kids, but for the opposite reason. My parents couldn't have done any better, but my MIL was mistaken that miserly behaviour would cure her daughter of materialism. I think materialistic kids really do need more stuff than the non-materialistic ones do. It's that love languages thing, I think.

 

Hey, if you have a toy library nearby, join it!

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

Edited January 30, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[Karen in CO]

Read Simplicity Parenting.

[catz]

Oh I'm with you. I have no gift b-day parties for my kids most of the time and sometimes gifts I don't approve of that come in go right back out the door. There is only so much a kid needs and there is only so much a house can take. Some people think I'm horrible for that. I really hate the traditional kid birthday these days with a huge pile of gifts that go unappreciated into a junk pile. Things were never that overblown when I was a kid. I only had a few "real" birthday parties as a kid. It's fine to have a couple nicer outfits and some "cool" toys, but all things in moderation.

 

You go mom!!!:001_smile:

[Night Elf]

Mommy, the kid has too much stuff.

 

:iagree: wholeheartedly. Kids may think they want lots and lots of stuff, but they really can be overwhelmed by too much.

 

I'd bring in a large box and a trash bag and sit WITH him while you think about each item in the room. Don't use a shovel approach. They may be overwhelming but they are HIS things. Ask him how he feels about each toy.

 

This is broken, can we throw it away?

Do you still play with this? If 'no', can we donate it to a child who would love to play with it?

If 'yes' does it fit in his room? Is it something he is willing to put away for a while?

 

Toss out the junk. Donate what he is willing to donate. If he is still left over with a lot of stuff, suggest boxing some of the toys and holding onto them until he's ready to play with them again. My ds14 has always had a hard time letting go of things and what has always worked is to acknowledge his feelings and let him see me putting the toys away. Much later, we might go through some boxes and he'll ask to keep some things but lots of it he's ready to donate.

 

It will be a big job but no bigger than having to go into his room every week to clean and organize. This will cut down your future work. Just MHO.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

..

[Catwoman]

SURE, he'll only get one gift for his birthday and three for Christmas... SURE he will...

 

Until you start feeling guilty about it and add "just one more" a few dozen times... ;)

 

I'm in the same boat that you're in, but I don't think a drastic change all at once is a great idea. Imagine how you'd feel if you were used to a bazillion presents under the Christmas tree when you went downstairs on Christmas morning, and this year, there were only 3 little boxes. :eek:

 

I don't have a foolproof solution for you, because I haven't found one for myself, either, but I'm not sure that going cold turkey on the gifts is the best solution. I think you'll be more miserable about it than your son will be. Let's face it, it's FUN to shop for toys! :)

 

Oh -- and I agree with Rosie that it wouldn't be right to ask other people not to buy him gifts. It's mean to your ds, and unfair to the people who love him and want to spoil him a little. I know you have the best intentions, but I think you're feeling frustrated right now and are doing what we all do, which is to get a bit over-the-top.

 

Cat

Edited January 30, 2011 by Catwoman

[JVA]

You've gotten wonderful advice!

 

These things helped us:

 

-EVERYTHING has a place. If there is no more shelf space/cubbyspace etc....no more can be purchased. Same thing with clothing.

 

-EVERYTHING goes back in its place. No TV, videos, computer time until the room is clean.

 

-I'd rotate toys....put some away for a few months and then bring them back out later. Since you don't have much storage, ask someone with a basement to store a box or two for you. We've done that for friends.

 

-Make him do chores and start knowing the value of work. He's old enough to do several things regularly - empty the DW, collect the trash, set the table, put his dishes in the sink, feed the dog, sweep the front porch, clean the bathroom. My 3 yr olds could collect trash and set the table, with help. Our chore charts had pictures on them for years for the kiddos not quite reading. They learned we ALL have to contribute to make things work smoothly and respectfully. There were morning chores, after lunch chores and evening chores....not many, but spaced through the day. School started after chores were completed and inspected. I also had a set amount of time for those chores....dawdling people had to learn how to be efficient.

 

-If you go to church, help him learn about tithing and giving. If you don't , make donating a regular part of his week. There are lots of resources available to teach children about money. We always gave allowance and part of it went to tithing. There are even cute little banks where different portions can be allocated.

 

-If necessary (I needed to do this w/ a stubborn child), make a list of responsibilities/priveleges. If he isn't reading yet, draw pictures. I did. If the resp. weren't taken care of, priveleges were taken away: such as the toys, computer time, legos - whatever is your child's 'currency'. What motivates him?

 

Gratitude is a difficult concept to learn- especially in our entitlement-oriented society. Since I grew up in latin america, I was always aware of poverty and how fortunate I was. My kids didn't have that perspective so I've had to teach it to them. It's easy for kids to 'expect' things. Time to erase THAT idea!

 

Be firm with family if that is where a lot of the junk is coming from. Make sure you and your dh are on the same page, hold your ground and insist on your standards. If they won't, they are disrespecting you. Boundaries.

 

I hope you can see some positive changes soon in your son. He's a blessed little guy that his momma loves him so much that she wants him to be the best he can. You can do it! :)

[iamrachelle]

I think you nailed it with your post. He has too much stuff. He can't appreciate it because it is like a toy and clothing landfill. Pare it down, give it away, throw it out, whatever.

 

Maybe have him help give it away. Let him donate it to the homeless shelter, foster agency, etc. I'd stop pretty much stop buying stuff unless it was to give it away. My kids enjoy MORE buying toys for needy children and buying goats for 3rd world countries than they do playing with their own toys. Make it more about giving than receiving.

 

What you have left, take out of his room. Seriously. Put it into labeled clear boxes and keep it in your garage. He can check out the boxes just like a library book. One box in, one box out. This method has saved my son's life. Cleaning used to be the HUGE ordeal. He just couldn't keep everything organized. He is so much happier now.

 

I love it. I wonder if I should set up something similar in my garage. Using the dewey decimal system. :D

[JVA]

Here are a list of some of the books I recommend when I do this (above) talk at MOPS:

 

 

For Instructions in Righteousness:

http://www.doorposts.com/details.aspx?id=15

 

Shepharding a Child's Heart:

http://www.amazon.com/Shepherding-Childs-Heart-Tedd-Tripp/dp/0966378601/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1296429927&sr=1-1

 

401 Ways to Get your Kids to Work at Home

http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Your-Kids-Work-Home/dp/0312299931/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1296429764&sr=1-1

 

Hope this is helpful. :)

Edited January 31, 2011 by JVA

[Sherry in OH]

UGH. I am so fed up with my soon to be 7 year old son :(

 

He is an only child. He has his own room. It is FILLED with toys and games. They are ALL OVER the floor. Some of them broken. He doesn't care. It seems every week, I go in and supervise him with the cleaning of his room. Every thing has a place, I tell him where every thing goes, one thing at a time, until the room is clean. Then we talk about picking up after yourself and taking care of your things and putting something away before playing with something else.... and by the next week, here we are again.... </i>

 

If you keep telling him and demonstrating, he might learn just in time to move to his own place. ;)

 

<I>A few days ago, he was climbing on his closet shelves, AGAIN, even though I told him NOT to do it at least a dozen times. The shelves hold all the games that contain hundreds of tiny pieces and he isn't allowed to get them down unless all his other messes are picked up. When he had full access to them, there would be millions of game pieces all over the place...

Anyways, climbing on the shelves again and this time.... YEP, they broke AND they came OUT of the WALL!! Had to go to Home Depot to buy new ones and it cost over $100!!! *Sigh* </i>

 

Store the games elsewhere. If he is not allowed unsupervised access, they do not belong in his room. What are the consequences of breaking the shelving?

 

<i>He also has tons of nice clothes. Also, all over the floor, because he throws them all over while looking for something to wear.... </I>

 

Fewer clothing. Just enough to make it from one laundry day to the next. The clothing might still be on the floor, but there will be less mess.

 

<I>*Sigh* He is just plain spoiled rotten..... It doesn't matter that we go to church, sunday school and AWANA, or that we talk about character and what Jesus would do, discuss the Bible, etc. It is all being undermined by the fact that he gets entirely to much and is spoiled :(

 

When I was growing up, I HATED being the kid who never had the cool, popular toys. I hated being the kids who NEVER had name brand, nice clothes. Or that lived in the nice house. And I was grateful for every thing I DID have because of it. So, now that we are well off I want to give my child every thing I didn't have, at the same time being careful that it isn't too much, so as to not spoil him.... and guess what? It happened anyways....

 

SO, I went in there with a trash bag and threw away lots of stuff. I'm also making a pile of barely touched toys/puzzles/games to send home with MIL next week, to put in her playroom (for all the grand-kids). I told him that from now on, birthdays and Christmas will be drastically different. I will be telling friends and family to NOT get him presents. We will get him one gift of his choosing, plus have a party. That is it. For Christmas, he will get 3 gifts, that is it! I will ask that friends/family either not get him anything, OR all pitch in to get him ONE thing, OR just put money into his savings account, OR give him gift cards for things like bowling, movies, skating, etc. </I>

 

Sorry, you don't get to tell family and friends what to do. You may suggest fewer gifts, you may offer suggestions for appropriate gifts or alternatives, but they decide if and what to buy. You do get to veto inappropriate items (in most cases by quietly donating to charity). Instituting a one in, one out policy might help. Your son gets to select the item(s) to go.

 

<I>It just boggles my mind that a child who is SO well-loved and cared for, who has everything a kid could want, who is told "I Love You" several times a day, and taken to Chuck E. Cheese, and parks, vacations, etc. can whine and complain SO MUCH!! He is ALWAYS complaining!! *UGH*

 

His childhood is SO different from mine, he's SUPPOSED to be happy!! </I>

 

Too much is as bad or worse than not enough. What happens when he complains? Do you give in? If so, he has learned that complaining gets the results he wants.

 

I would remove everything but his bed from his room. Then sort. You winnow out inappropriate and broken items. Find other places to store items that you want to keep but that really should not be in his room. Help him sort through the remaining items. Set limits on the number of items he may put in his room. He may select X number of outfits. Put them in his closet. X number of toys. Put them back in his room. X number of books, etc. If you have storage space, allow him to chose some items for rotating. Everything else needs to go. Once you have reduced the number of items in his room, either practice a one in, one out policy or you will have to repeat the procedure every few months.

[Barry Goldwater]

You've gotten wonderful advice!

 

-Make him do chores and start knowing the value of work. He's old enough to do several things regularly - empty the DW, collect the trash, set the table, put his dishes in the sink, feed the dog, sweep the front porch, clean the bathroom. My 3 yr olds could collect trash and set the table, with help. Our chore charts had pictures on them for years for the kiddos not quite reading. They learned we ALL have to contribute to make things work smoothly and respectfully. There were morning chores, after lunch chores and evening chores....not many, but spaced through the day. School started after chores were completed and inspected. I also had a set amount of time for those chores....dawdling people had to learn how to be efficient.

 

-If you go to church, help him learn about tithing and giving. If you don't , make donating a regular part of his week. There are lots of resources available to teach children about money. We always gave allowance and part of it went to tithing. There are even cute little banks where different portions can be allocated.

:)

 

:iagree: and wanted to add, for emphasis, that MEANINGFUL WORK can do wonders for a child's (and an adults'!) attitude. It is my personal opinion that one of the reasons so many teens are dis-contented in this nation is that the culture has removed any opportunity for them to learn the value of work, chores, and making a contribution.

 

My dear daughters have been doing dishes (no dishwasher) since they were 3 yrs old. They were cleaning horse stalls as a group when they were 8, 7 and 5...today all four of them (14, 13, 10 & 5) milk goats, clean stalls, help me put up hay, do dishes, laundry, cook, clean, butcher and clean chickens...I could go on and on...and they are SATISFIED...they make a MEANINGFUL contribution to the family. And I think it has done wonders keeping them happy, and charitable, and industrious.

 

At almost 7, it's the perfect age to let your little man take on some manly responsibilities...I'll be that, along with the other great advice, will turn him around to your satisfaction. :)

[*lifeoftheparty*]

.

[rwilliams]

I think we need stuff to have things to do. My son has bins full of outside toys and he has always got sometype of game or fantasy he is acting out with all that stuff. My rule is that I only buy him things that I want to.....It has to pass my test of being good for you and not very expensive. I do not buy him things he typically wants unless it is a reward or a present or he can convince me why it would be good for him. I personally would lack of lot of my creative ideas in homeschooling if I didn't have closets and an attic full of stuff! I think buying the right stuff in moderation motivates us to try new activities and keeps us interested and excited about exploring the world.

[JVA]

He has a few chores. Aside from picking up after himself/cleaning his room, he has to unload the dishwasher whenever it needs it, put a new bag in the trash can after DH takes it out, and put his own dishes in the sink after meal times and wipe off the table. And to be honest, he whines about it 90% of time.

 

.... he's just..... spoiled.... There is no other word for it, just spoiled.

 

Whining, complaining, grousing, etc....are grounds for removing priveleges at our house. Things are to be done with a cheerful attitude, regardless of how one feels. We memorized Philippians 2:14 -"Do everything without complaining and disputing (arguing) so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God". I think Steve Green had a memory CD for kids that we learned this as a song- easier for all of us to remember. Learning to control oneself is such an important skill. I wanted them to be PLEASANT to work with- both now at home and when they get into the work force. Who wants a spoiled brat to share office space with or be on a committee with? We talked about that kind of thing regularly, when the need arose.

 

As they got older and were able to demonstrate that they could be pleasant, they were allowed to share their feelings more readily if they were RESPECTFUL. It usually was fine but there were times when that privelege was taken away as well for a short time while they were reminded that they CAN say what they think w/o being offensive. Certain words are not allowed, such as "I hate ________, he's a jerk, etc........ If they could say things politely, they could express themselves. Such as:"I prefer NOT to have eat that, instead of I hate ______________. They still had to have a bite of it, but there was no dessert afterwards.

 

These are reasons that parenting is hard work, but you can do it! We're not doing them any favors by spoiling them.