I really want to move more into the city.....

[DawnM]

Sigh.

 

We moved away from the big city (Los Angeles) 5 years ago. We moved to the Charlotte, NC area and DH wanted LAND. We have 2.5 acres and DH has to drive 25 miles each way into the city each day to work. Well, he drives 12 and takes the train in.

 

He wants to sell this house and move to MORE LAND.

 

I know this isn't a homeschooling popular opinion, but I want to move more into the city. I am a city girl and I hate that DH travels an hour each way to work. That is two hours a day! He could at least have 1.5 more hours at home PER DAY if we moved closer! That is 7.5 more hours per week!

 

DH doesn't even want to discuss it. He finds sanctuary in the space and land. I am the one stuck here 62 hours a week while he is gone! I have to drive and drive to get anywhere.

 

Just a rant.....thanks for listening.

 

Dawn

[Snickerdoodle]

You can live in the city and still have an hour commute to work on public transportation.

[goldberry]

So sorry, I know that's frustrating. We moved rural about five years ago. And even though I love it, I still miss things sometimes and wish I lived closer to stores, activities, etc.

 

I think it is harder to live rural when you homeschool, because it's harder to get to things that don't make you feel isolated. We just this week started a 1.25 hour drive once a week to a coop.

 

Also, my hubby works seasonally, so he is home most of the winter. Otherwise, the commute would be really hard.

[DawnM]

Not where I am looking at moving. We have lived here 5 years so I am familiar with commutes.

 

DH leaves the house at 6am to avoid heavy traffic and leaves work around 4:30pm and is able to avoid traffic.

 

Dawn

 

You can live in the city and still have an hour commute to work on public transportation.

[Parrothead]

I know exactly what you mean. Like Eloise, I am a city child. My closest real city is Boston - 6 hours away. Unfortunately we have very little control over where we live because of dh's job. Transfers to the big cities are hard won because everybody puts in for them.

 

It does take time to acclimate to the small town lifestyle. It takes time to figure out how to deal with being so far from what used to be right at your fingertips. We don't go on vacation to the mountains or the lake. We go on vacation to Boston or NYC or Philly so I can get my fix. I cry every time we have to come back.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

Can you move into the city and get a bit of land to put something rustic on for weekends???

[DawnM]

He doesn't want rustic! He wants lots of land! He likes the nicer house.....just wants space.

 

Dawn

 

Can you move into the city and get a bit of land to put something rustic on for weekends???

[DawnM]

Now I feel guilty for complaining! DH has to be in a sizable city for his job.

 

We can get into the downtown area in about 45 min. with no traffic. Of course, Charlotte is still a very small city IMHO.

 

So, we aren't entirely in the boonies. I just really like the city.

 

Dawn

 

I know exactly what you mean. Like Eloise, I am a city child. My closest real city is Boston - 6 hours away. Unfortunately we have very little control over where we live because of dh's job. Transfers to the big cities are hard won because everybody puts in for them.

 

It does take time to acclimate to the small town lifestyle. It takes time to figure out how to deal with being so far from what used to be right at your fingertips. We don't go on vacation to the mountains or the lake. We go on vacation to Boston or NYC or Philly so I can get my fix. I cry every time we have to come back.

 

:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

He doesn't want rustic! He wants lots of land! He likes the nicer house.....just wants space.

 

Dawn

 

You could stop bathing, stop finishing your sentences, bark at night, and generally need a lot more medical attention :).

 

2.5 acres around here is called a "weedette". Who keeps the outside straight?

 

I had a brother who commuted by train. He LOOOOOOOOVED his commute. No kids, could read a book, etc. etc. It gave him the silence he liked before and after work. (Just a BTW.)

[DawnM]

Yeah, that still isn't what he wants....he doesn't want hick or rustic....just land.

 

DH mows the lawn. He likes it....go figure.

 

The train runs a whopping 12 miles here....that is all they have built. There were plans for more but it has shut down due to cost.

 

So, he would most likely still take the train, we would just move closer.

 

Besides, the train is cheaper than the parking garage cost.

 

Dawn

 

You could stop bathing, stop finishing your sentences, bark at night, and generally need a lot more medical attention :).

 

2.5 acres around here is called a "weedette". Who keeps the outside straight?

 

I had a brother who commuted by train. He LOOOOOOOOVED his commute. No kids, could read a book, etc. etc. It gave him the silence he liked before and after work. (Just a BTW.)

[LibraryLover]

In the meanwhile, can you go in to the city with him a couple of times a month? You could have lunch together, and you & the children could do the cutlrual stuff that can sometimes get lost or neglected in hsing. My kids and I always enjoyed visting the Boston Public Library in Back Bay when dh worked a lot in the city. He mostly works at home now, although we still go to Boston frequently.

[Parrothead]

Now I feel guilty for complaining! DH has to be in a sizable city for his job.

 

We can get into the downtown area in about 45 min. with no traffic. Of course, Charlotte is still a very small city IMHO.

 

So, we aren't entirely in the boonies. I just really like the city.

 

Dawn

I've been to Charlotte. I don't think we have a city that big in Maine. Greater Portland has only half a million people.

 

We are here for the long haul. If I get to pick my retirement facility I'm going to Boston.

[Catwoman]

I guess I'll be the lone dissenter and say that, since you're the one stuck out in the boonies all week long, your dh should consider your feelings and think about moving closer to the city.

 

Every time you want to go somewhere, it's a commute. With kids. Who get hungry and thirsty and have to find a rest room. It's a nuisance to have to drive 45 minutes each way just to get to Charlotte. And then, you have to keep an eye on the clock all day so you can be sure to get back on the road before 3:30 or so, or else you'll get stuck in traffic. :glare:

 

Who wants to be stuck in the house all week with nowhere to go? (It's different if you love that lifestyle, but I can see that you don't.) I'd go nuts if I couldn't get to restaurants and stores within 5-10 minutes. I know exactly how you're feeling.

 

I love the country, too, and having a lot of land is nice, but wouldn't an acre or so in an upscale area work better for both of you? You could find a place with a lot of privacy -- maybe backing up to state land or something so it "feels" bigger, yet you could still get out of the house without it being a major project.

 

Cat

[LibraryLover]

 

I had a brother who commuted by train. He LOOOOOOOOVED his commute. No kids, could read a book, etc. etc. It gave him the silence he liked before and after work. (Just a BTW.)

 

It's a good time to decompress.

[newbie]

I was in the country for a good twelve years. Driving sux. Maybe thats why I hate it sooo much now. And driving in San Diego was horrid.

 

I really like the city, not so much in the winter, but summer and fall were awesome. We walked everywhere. I was in great shape and felt good. I am not an outdoorsy person, but here I love the trees. I think I didnt like the SD desert. Which is 99 percent unless you live on the ocean.

 

So, I feel for you, make a plea to move to larger city. The kids like it a lot more.

[JFSinIL]

We live in a small city (over 100,000) and hubby walks to a train to go into Chicago, then walks to his office - a bit over an hour each way. An hour is a pretty standard commute. He reads his Wall St. Journal and chats on the train.

 

Now - I grew up in S. California, and DRIVING an hour or more (traffic!!!) is far more stressful.

[sleepymommy]

I'm only semi-familiar with Charlotte. I've never lived there, but have some family there we visit often.

 

Would the north Charlotte area be a good area, around that big outlet mall? There would still be a commute, but there is a lot of stores and such there so you don't feel too isolated and there are plots with a decent amount of acreage.

 

Maybe the Indian Trail area? There seem too be a decent amount going on there and they have that awesome store The Homeschool Room. I love going there whenever I visit Charlotte!

 

My relatives have told me that the S.Carolina border counties (forget their name) have great homes with land but a lot of nice stores too and the commute is supposed to be okay.

 

I'm with you, I love being in a city. I cannot tell you how excited I am about moving to NoVa. Now, NoVA is certainly not would I would consider a city, but compared to where I am now, I'll take what I can get! At least it's close to a city. And closer to NY! Dh does not want to move back to NY at all and he says NJ and Philly are out too. He just does not want to be up north.

 

I think the downtown Charlotte area is really nice and there are great areas by it too, I would love walking to the Discovery museum or to that big children's library (forget the name of it).

 

Maybe you and you dh can come up with some sort of compromise? Dh and I have had similar discussions. (Except he always wants to live close to his work because he hates commuting and I generally tend to like areas that are not near his work for whatever reason). I always tell him that I know he is the one supporting us and he prefers certain things, but that he goes to work each day and I am the one that is actually living in the home, taking care of the home, and raising the kids the home and that my preferences are equally valid and important.

 

He likes the area we are in currently because it certainly is serene and beautiful, but I told him that we would appreciate all the beauty and serenity more if we'd just visit from time to time!:D

[DawnM]

We live south of the city. I don't drive into the city other than to visit museums, etc....

 

Where I want to live would not be the very heart of the city at all, just closer in and within a 10 min. commute to the train.

 

When we first moved here we rented a condo for several months while our SoCal house sold and we looked for a house. That area was about a 30 min. commute which is just about right. The train was not built at that point.

 

I still want to be within driving distance of our current activities (Tae Kwon Do, friends, and scouts) but where I want to move to would be fine for that.

 

It would also allow us to go to the church we would both prefer to attend. Right now we go only some as it is a haul.

 

We haven't made any final decisions and honestly, we may not have a choice at all if we can't sell our house anyway, so I may be whining needlessly (although if that happens I will have something else to whine about! :lol:)

 

The nice thing about where we are now is that the city has kind of moved out towards us....not city city, but some shopping, etc....at least we now have a grocery store only 3 miles away. The other nice thing is that when we moved here this was "a bit out" and now it is a "nice area" meaning the schools are top and the subdivisions that have bought out the farms built high end homes.

 

DH and I are still in discussion.....we will find a compromise of some sort, but meanwhile he talks about his dream of 10 acres or more.

 

Dawn

[Starr]

I'm on your side. :D

[Mejane]

I hear ya'. I would love to move into NYC and keep our house in CT for the weekends, but who can afford that?

[JoyfulMama]

Yeah, that still isn't what he wants....he doesn't want hick or rustic....just land.

 

DH mows the lawn. He likes it....go figure.

 

DH and I are still in discussion.....we will find a compromise of some sort, but meanwhile he talks about his dream of 10 acres or more.

 

Dh always dreamed about owning 9 acres, and having the house in the middle. I always argued I wanted the house near the front, so I could see civilization, yet retreat to be in the middle of nowhere.

 

We are now on 12 acres, with the acrage on either side of us empty and for sale. It looks like we live on almost 30. :D

 

Over half of ours is wooded, but dh has been over every inch of it multiple times. He walks at least once a week through the woods, and I know it is very calming for him.

 

Dh has about 4-5 acres to maintain. This equates to a minimum of 4-5 hours a week out on the tractor. For dh, this works well in the spring, summer, and fall, as he comes home (35 min commute), and spends an hour on the tractor to decompress. He can work in his garden, easily another hour a day. He can sit and relax, and see nothing but green.

 

Do I miss the stores being nearby? Yes. We had a grocery store when we moved here, but it has since closed. Yet, I am only 30 mins out from a city (museums, symphony), and 20 mins to shopping. We have a fabulous mom&pop hardware store down the road, and I can find so many things in there (except shoes - we always need to buy more shoes). I feel like I am in the perfect place. (They are building a Walmart, and I will probably frequent it more than I would like simply because it will be convenient, and they will sell shoes.)

[journeytolily]

I'm a city girl, born and raised in Miami. I like to VISIT the country but I wouldn't want to live there. When we moved from our small city in SC, up to MI, I told DH that even though he would be working in a cute little town, I refused to live in the middle of nowhere. We bought a house in the heart of Lansing - with a small yard, neighbors all around us, and a few stores we are able to walk to when the weather is nice. There are TONS of shops, libraries, parks, museums, etc, within a few miles radius. I LOVE it!

 

You're the one home all day - you should be in an area that makes you happy. I can understand compromising, though. Your DH's idea of even more land further out in the country is not anywhere near compromise. You should get closer in to the city, but look for a home that has a bit of land. Go for country drives on the weekend!

 

Veronica

p.s. We have good friends who live in Mt.Mill, SC, and he works in Charlotte. Nice area - plenty of shopping and parks, and lovely homes with large lots.

[DawnM]

Do you mean Fort Mill?

 

Dawn

 

I'm a city girl, born and raised in Miami. I like to VISIT the country but I wouldn't want to live there. When we moved from our small city in SC, up to MI, I told DH that even though he would be working in a cute little town, I refused to live in the middle of nowhere. We bought a house in the heart of Lansing - with a small yard, neighbors all around us, and a few stores we are able to walk to when the weather is nice. There are TONS of shops, libraries, parks, museums, etc, within a few miles radius. I LOVE it!

 

You're the one home all day - you should be in an area that makes you happy. I can understand compromising, though. Your DH's idea of even more land further out in the country is not anywhere near compromise. You should get closer in to the city, but look for a home that has a bit of land. Go for country drives on the weekend!

 

Veronica

p.s. We have good friends who live in Mt.Mill, SC, and he works in Charlotte. Nice area - plenty of shopping and parks, and lovely homes with large lots.

[Garga]

Sounds like your compromise might have to be to stay right where you are. You want to be closer, he wants to be farther...might as well stay right where you are.

 

I feel sorry for you. Sounds miserable to know that either you'll be unhappy or he'll be unhappy.

[DawnM]

And I would love to move back to Los Angeles! But that isn't going to happen either, so I feel like it is a huge sacrifice just to say I will be IN Charlotte! Hey, that is my angle! :)

 

We went up into the city today to meet friends for lunch and it was so nice to see people from all walks of life milling about. This area I am in is so overly homogeneous. I NEED diversity.

 

Dawn

 

I hear ya'. I would love to move into NYC and keep our house in CT for the weekends, but who can afford that?

[journeytolily]

Oops, yes, Ft. Mill.

 

I soo agree on the diversity thing. On top of the issue of wanting to live in the city, I felt it was imperitive that we be in a diverse area. Our kids are Hispanic, Asian, and African-American (we both are white). This helped seal the deal on Lansing. We've gone a few times to Charlotte (MI, where DH works), and the kids are always the only people of color. Everyone's perfectly nice, mind you, but I wouldn't want them growing up in a place like that ;-)

[Revwife]

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. We moved from Los Angeles to Texas about 10 years ago. Although TX has great hs laws and the cost of living is good, I TERRIBLY miss the city.

[katilac]

I practically wrote it into our marriage vows, lol. With my body I thee worship, near the city we will live . . .

[blakereese]

Dawn,

I know exactly how you feel. And I know you really just wanted to vent didn't want suggestions or a solution, so I won't give you any. ;) Just know that I completely understand how you feel and why you feel that way.

 

I vent about this a lot to friends or family, but there isn't much we can do about it now. Houses aren't selling now, and if they are it is at a loss (around here, that is the case). So we have to wait out this recession and housing market crisis.

 

It is very isolating to live away from a city. Here we have a long winter so sometimes we really are STUCK at home. I miss diversity, too. Heck, I miss sidewalks! :lol::lol:

 

Hang in there. Think how horrible it would be without the internet!!

[justamouse]

I have to say, I never understood it until I moved to the middle of a town.

 

Up until the month before we moved, we were planning on buying MORE acreage and farming.

 

But the ones that suited us got bought up and we were backed into a corner. We've been in this county all our lives, though, and know the town well so we took the plunge.

 

I'll never look back. I *love* town. Love it. I know exactly what you mean.

[MSNative]

I guess I'll be the lone dissenter and say that, since you're the one stuck out in the boonies all week long, your dh should consider your feelings and think about moving closer to the city.

 

Every time you want to go somewhere, it's a commute. With kids. Who get hungry and thirsty and have to find a rest room. It's a nuisance to have to drive 45 minutes each way just to get to Charlotte. And then, you have to keep an eye on the clock all day so you can be sure to get back on the road before 3:30 or so, or else you'll get stuck in traffic. :glare:

 

Who wants to be stuck in the house all week with nowhere to go? (It's different if you love that lifestyle, but I can see that you don't.) I'd go nuts if I couldn't get to restaurants and stores within 5-10 minutes. I know exactly how you're feeling.

 

I love the country, too, and having a lot of land is nice, but wouldn't an acre or so in an upscale area work better for both of you? You could find a place with a lot of privacy -- maybe backing up to state land or something so it "feels" bigger, yet you could still get out of the house without it being a major project.

 

Cat

 

:iagree: We just went thru the same discussion here last year. Luckily, we found a house in the neighborhood I wanted, 10 min from dh's work that backs up to 18 acres of wooded land that cannot be developed. We only have half an acre to care for but with woods in the back and water on one side, we feel much more remote than we are. I LOVE it!! It took forever to find but maybe y'all could find something with more land that is more convenient to town.

[DawnM]

Oh, our first house was similar to this! It backed up to the Angeles National Forest and seemed very remote even though it was in Los Angeles! I miss that house!

 

It would be nice to find something like that again but here. DH won't even discuss moving back to CA anyway, but finding anything we can afford without me going back to work would be really difficult.

 

Dawn

 

:iagree: We just went thru the same discussion here last year. Luckily, we found a house in the neighborhood I wanted, 10 min from dh's work that backs up to 18 acres of wooded land that cannot be developed. We only have half an acre to care for but with woods in the back and water on one side, we feel much more remote than we are. I LOVE it!! It took forever to find but maybe y'all could find something with more land that is more convenient to town.

[DawnM]

Thanks all. It makes me feel better to know there are others who do understand. I sometimes get the feeling that most hsers want to live on a big farm away from people....now, I know that isn't true, but sometimes.....

 

Where we are now isn't TOO bad but DH wants to move further out and I want to move further in :tongue_smilie: We will see what happens. We don't plan to even try to sell until Spring of 2012.

 

Dawn

[jenL]

Dawn, I would take living where you are any day! Want to switch houses with me? We're only 25 minutes from Charlotte if it's not rush hour. We are actually talking about getting further away from suburbia as we desperately want land. However, dh doesn't want his commute to be longer than it is (he drives during rush hour and it takes him an hour to an hour & 15 minutes), so he's torn. I wish we could live in the middle of nowhere where I can raise goats, chickens, have a HUGE garden, etc. Unfortunately, because of dh's work, we have to stay near a financial city, so Charlotte it is - we had NO desire to go near NYC.

 

Anyway, I am just the opposite of you, and I completely understand your dh. However, as a homeschooling mom, I know it's tough for you to feel so far away since you are the one home the most. :grouphug:

[DawnM]

Jen,

 

I don't think you live that far from me do you? Aren't you in Union County?

 

I guess I should be thankful DH has to work in a decent sized city! If it were up to him, we would probably live in the middle of a farm in Iowa (once, when we drove across the country, we stopped at some town in Iowa and asked the guy at the tackle shop where we could find a McDonalds. He told us he had no idea as he had never eaten at one!)

 

Dawn

 

Dawn, I would take living where you are any day! Want to switch houses with me? We're only 25 minutes from Charlotte if it's not rush hour. We are actually talking about getting further away from suburbia as we desperately want land. However, dh doesn't want his commute to be longer than it is (he drives during rush hour and it takes him an hour to an hour & 15 minutes), so he's torn. I wish we could live in the middle of nowhere where I can raise goats, chickens, have a HUGE garden, etc. Unfortunately, because of dh's work, we have to stay near a financial city, so Charlotte it is - we had NO desire to go near NYC.

 

Anyway, I am just the opposite of you, and I completely understand your dh. However, as a homeschooling mom, I know it's tough for you to feel so far away since you are the one home the most. :grouphug:

[PinkInTheBlue]

I'm on your side. :D

 

Me too! :) My husband and I both say that when the 2 older boys go to college or move out, we both want to move right in the middle of a city so we can walk to everything. Can't wait!

[JennyD]

Being that isolated would make me barking mad. DH is dragging me kicking and screaming from NYC to Nashville later this year and my condition for going along with this is that I get to pick the neighborhood. And let me tell you, we will be living right in the city, as close to work as possible. DH is all, oh, big house! big yard! more space! Tell it to the hand, man.

 

Even so, I fret constantly about how isolating it will be to have to drive most everywhere. I can't even imagine your setup.

[laughing lioness]

I am so with you. It's stinking cold and snowy. I honestly loathe living this far out in the country, so, so isolated. Not to mention that the largest city in the state is only 149K- so even in the BIG city we are in the middle of nowhere. I sooo want to move back to civilization. The summer is awesome and I love the huge garden and stuff but, c'mon I can garden on a suburban plot.

So totally, totally understand you pov.

[Danestress]

Where he would still have a commute but you could be near all the "stuff" of that area?

 

There have to be many many properties with more that 2.5 acres that aren't that remote from shopping and activities for you.

[Melinda in VT]

I read about an interesting communication strategy for situations like this, where each spouse has a firmly held position that conflicts with the other spouse's position. I wish I had a source, but I was reading magazines at the orthodontist's and I don't remember which one I was reading.

 

The basic idea is that you split the conversation up. So, for example, one evening you and your husband would discuss all the positives to moving to more land. You might have to dig deep to find some genuine positives. You're not allowed to say anything good about moving to the city or argue any of your husband's positives.

 

A couple of nights later, you talk about all the positives of moving to the city.

 

Then, on separate nights, you can discuss the negatives of land and the negatives of the city.

 

The therapist said that often spouses get too entrenched in defending their own position to really hear the other person. And since they don't feel heard themselves, they work harder to defend their position, and it goes around in one vicious cycle.

 

I haven't had an occasion to try it out yet, so I can't vouch for it, but it looked like a good way to communicate past the arguing.

 

:grouphug: DH and I both feel the rural pull and the city pull, but sometimes at any given moment we are pulled in different directions. The one thing we are always agreed on is No More Suburbs! :lol:

[DawnM]

I think that is about the same distance from town that we are now. Mint Hill also won't allow him to take the train. We actually have 2.5 acres now and the commute is about the same, so I am not sure that would help the situation.

 

Dawn

 

QUOTE=Danestress;2385558]Where he would still have a commute but you could be near all the "stuff" of that area?

 

There have to be many many properties with more that 2.5 acres that aren't that remote from shopping and activities for you.

[DawnM]

Hmmm.....not sure DH would go for that! :tongue_smilie:

 

I read about an interesting communication strategy for situations like this, where each spouse has a firmly held position that conflicts with the other spouse's position. I wish I had a source, but I was reading magazines at the orthodontist's and I don't remember which one I was reading.

 

The basic idea is that you split the conversation up. So, for example, one evening you and your husband would discuss all the positives to moving to more land. You might have to dig deep to find some genuine positives. You're not allowed to say anything good about moving to the city or argue any of your husband's positives.

 

A couple of nights later, you talk about all the positives of moving to the city.

 

Then, on separate nights, you can discuss the negatives of land and the negatives of the city.

 

The therapist said that often spouses get too entrenched in defending their own position to really hear the other person. And since they don't feel heard themselves, they work harder to defend their position, and it goes around in one vicious cycle.

 

I haven't had an occasion to try it out yet, so I can't vouch for it, but it looked like a good way to communicate past the arguing.

 

:grouphug: DH and I both feel the rural pull and the city pull, but sometimes at any given moment we are pulled in different directions. The one thing we are always agreed on is No More Suburbs! :lol:

[justamouse]

Me too! :) My husband and I both say that when the 2 older boys go to college or move out, we both want to move right in the middle of a city so we can walk to everything. Can't wait!

 

This is us, too. A nice house on a cobblestone street in Philly. :D

[Catwoman]

I hear ya'. I would love to move into NYC and keep our house in CT for the weekends, but who can afford that?

 

My dh is trying to convince me to buy an apartment in Manhattan to use a few days a week, and I keep thinking about how expensive it will be to buy what I want. And really, I have been thinking it would be nice to get out of the NYC area altogether and move someplace entirely different, so the last thing I really want to do is buy another property in this area.

 

It's so hard to figure out where to move, because we're so used to the NYC area, and most other places are so different that I worry about making a bad choice.

 

Cat