Crossposting: Please! Help with ADD/ADHD child

[snipsnsnailsx5]

Major stress. Uggh!

My 8 (almost 9) year old is the most difficult of my five boys. He was the intital reason we decided to homeschool. He has been "diagnosed" ADD and ODD (I use that term loosely because I don't feel that it was a thorough enough diagnosis...just asking a few questions and then slapping a label on him isn't enough to diagnosis him in my opinion. I'd feel more comfortable if he had a few thorough sessions with a ped-psych who got to know him on a more one-on-one level before diagnosing him...okay off my soap box LOL).

He's not on medication because, well mostly because my DH just doesn't feel comfortable with that at his age yet. However I'm starting to see maybe how its effecting his learning more and more. We already have a prescription called into his pediatrician that we just have to call and ask to be filled when we're ready for it....

 

He's starting to develop these violent rages when he gets stressed out. He's started to bang his head against the wall or another surface (not hard enough to hurt himself, never leaves even a red mark) or hit himself on the head. Today he threw some school room chairs when no one was in the room because he couldn't figure out his cursive.

Needless to say....he takes all of my time. He can do very little indepdant work.

The positive though- his reading has improved by LEAPS since the start of this school year. Major progress in just four months. He's reading at grade level! yay! And while his math really frustrates him, when he calms down and thinks about it he knows the answers. He really has actually very good penmanship for a boy (lol!) compare even to his oldest brother. But he seems to get so stressed about making it JUST RIGHT that it causes these rages.

On a typical school day, most of the time he does his work just fine as long as I'm there with him through the tough stuff. However, every day there is at least one thing that triggers these violent rages.

 

I don't know what to do!!!!! My Dh is seeing this and thinking that I have no clue what I'm doing and its all out of control and maybe the boys are better off in PS. We've only been homeschooling for 4 months...I keep telling Dh that it just takes major adjustment and learning how to do it. :(

My other two boys (my oldest - 12 and third oldest - 6.5) are doing just fine.

 

Would medication help this stress and major frustrating my 8 yr old has? Or maybe more frequent breaks for him? Its VERY hard not to lose my temper with him when he acts like that. I have my breaking point too before I start getting angry with him. :( I know it doens't help to get angry, but its a lot easier said then done in the heat of the moment.

 

Anyway, I'd love some advice....BTDT stories, etc.

 

THANKS!!!

[Ottakee]

If you have ruled out other possible physical causes---sleep issues, thyroid, anemia, blood sugars, ect. then YES, YES, YES--medication can make a huge difference for the child and their family.

 

My own daughter gained 2 years of reading ability in 6 months once we started meds. There was also MUCH less stress in the house-==both for her and me.

[rafiki]

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[PeterPan]

If you want a more thorough evaluation, why don't you get one? Nothing says you have to stop with the ped and a scrip. It would be nice to know if he has sensory issues or other things going on that OT could help you child. Have you read "The Out of Sync Child" yet? It could be, frankly, that he doesn't even have the right diagnosis. It could be that some changes in your methodology (how you handle him, how you structure his day and his environment and his sensory issues, the things Michele was talking about) will help. Lizzy Bee on the boards here has had some fabulous book lists. I would go to the library today and get some (especially "The Out of Sync Child"!!!!!!!!!!) and start reading. Just work through it and see what you think is affecting him, what isn't, where he is. And then I would push for more evaluations. We learned a TON in OT that affected our homeschooling. You wouldn't think it would, but it did for us. The OT specialized in sensory integration, and she put us more in-tune with what dd was feeling and needed in order to feel well to do her schoolwork. It gave word to her frustrations. It might be that his anger is over his inability to communicate problems, things you can fix, or it might be something larger you're going to need more help with. It's a journey, not a single answer.

[Cabertmom]

My heart goes out to you. I can't answer the medication question because we decided not to go that route--I'm not saying that you shouldn't--just that we didn't. I have a now 13-year-old son whose behavior was very similar to yours when he was 8 and 9. It actually started much earlier. Right at about 16 months, he started hitting, biting, kicking, and throwing huge tantrums. He would have 45-minute-long temper tantrums if I forgot to let him buckle himself in the carseat. Then he would be fine, and I'd be a wreck for the rest of the day. This lasted far longer than the typical "terrible twos."

 

He was in a Montessori preschool for one year, and that went okay. He spent all morning every day building the pink tower, but he was happy with that. He had no social interaction with the other kids though.

 

When he was 8, we put him in school. He had the most fantastic teacher you could imagine, but whenever he couldn't do something or got stressed out, he would totally lose it. His behavior made the other kids avoid him, though he was not fully aware of it, thankfully. One time, he actually threw a desk. That was the proverbial straw, and after that, we went back to homeschooling him. Based on the teacher's own experience with her daughter, she suggested that he may well have Asperger's, and I think it's very possible, but we have never sought the formal diagnosis after coming to the conclusion that, for him now, it wouldn't do any good to have a label. It does help immensely though to know that he isn't doing it on purpose.

 

The thing that helped more than anything was a book called The Explosive Child. The author, whose name I can't recall at the moment, stated that he went on the assumption that all children are truly doing the best they can. He recommended minimizing the amount of stress to the extent that it was possible, and he focused more on behavior than on disease names. He wasn't against medication, but he thought there were other things to be considered and tried as well.

 

There's a lot more in the book that I wish could recall, but I can definitely say that it changed the way I approached my relationship with my son (also one of 5, by the way). I went from seeing his bad behavior as an adversarial thing to be punished (by sending him to his room mostly) to something to help him with, just like any academic difficulty. We would talk about and prepare for what I knew would be stressful situations ahead of time. I learned to see the mostly interior ramp-up before he had a total meltdown and, at least sometimes, change the course before it was too late. Slowly his behavior began to change. It wasn't overnight, but by the time he was about 11, things were much better. Now, they are better still.

 

Here's the really good news: Somewhere along the way, he went from being this incredibly difficult and somewhat hard-to-like child to being helpful, kind, generous, truly caring, and someone who so very much wants to do what is virtuous. Most of the reason must be God's grace, but I think that part of His grace was giving my husband and me the ability to help him.

 

I'm pretty sure that we would have truly lost him if he had had to stay in school. It's not all smooth waters all the time, but when he does lose it, it is never as bad as it used to be, and he makes great efforts not to. He still has really poor spelling (AAS is helping with that) and is a rather slow reader, but he remembers everything he reads, is interested in many things, and best of, he went from being incredibly self-centered to being anything but.

[Tiramisu]

I just read a book called Learning Differences (can't remember the subtitle) by a psychologist named Nealy. The topic is a bit broader than the title suggests; it's about all different issues that affect learning: things like ADHD and SPD, as well as dyslexia and other LDs. She focuses a lot on what we can do without medication to make positive changes in the brains of our dc and also talks about how so many things that are part of our modern lifestyles can hurt them. I get the impression she had a lot of direct experience with kids, not as a see them once in awhile doctor approach, but as a teacher and special ed teacher before she became a psychologist.

[PeterPan]

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Learners-Identifying-Preventing-Treating/dp/1416556419

 

Is this the book you're thinking of? Different Learners by Healy. I got this from the library and definitely enjoyed what I read till someone accidentally returned it, oops. She has more books as well in the same vein.

[elizam]

I had a little boy very much like that at one time.

 

The thing is, he didn't outgrow it. Homeschooling was better for him than PS, but dh wanted him in PS so bad, so finally ds wanted it also, and dh insisted, so off to PS he went.

 

It was all downhill from there.

 

Was it because of PS? Puberty? ADHD?

 

All of the above???????

 

Add to the above, the extreme mood swings and rages led to a bipolar dx. Stimulant meds worked for him at first, but they triggered mania. I did a lot of research on all this, as mental illness runs on both sides of our family.

 

As time went on, he became balky at the idea of meds, even though he knew mood stablizers helped and a low dose of stimulant or a nonstimulant med could have been added once he was stable moodwise.

 

He preferred to be seen as a delinquent than having any kind of "disorder" and began to be a pot smoker and a drinker. I am convinced a lot of this is self medicating behavior. He is much calmer when he smokes pot. I don't like any of it...he got worse and worse in school and lost the love he had for other things he had time for when he was homeschooled....no more reading for pleasure, very little piano, no late night science research just because something caught his attention.

 

His dad never wanted him dxed with anything or on any meds. he is of the school of thought that these disorders aren't "real" and a good whuppin or taking away all privileges should straighten any kid out.

 

We got that opinion from many. But the ppl who affected my ds in a good way were the thoughful ones, the ones who said, "what is wrong with trying a medicine under a dr's care?"

 

My son and I have a rocky relationship right now. I know none of this probably pertains to you, but whenever I read the ADHD posts, I think to myself, I once had a sweet but mood swingy little boy and I wish I had gotten some kind of real help much earlier than I did. I was so wrapped up in my world of homeschoolers who were totally anti school, anti dx, anti med, that I would not consider anything was really wrong with him. But I knew in my heart. Once I started reading up on all these things, I realized I was doing him a disservice to say he was fine the way he was or that what everyone else said was best was what I should do.

 

http://www.additudemag.com

[elizam]

I had a little boy very much like that at one time.

 

The thing is, he didn't outgrow it. Homeschooling was better for him than PS, but dh wanted him in PS so bad, so finally ds wanted it also, and dh insisted, so off to PS he went.

 

It was all downhill from there.

 

Was it because of PS? Puberty? ADHD?

 

All of the above???????

 

Add to the above, the extreme mood swings and rages led to a bipolar dx. Stimulant meds worked for him at first, but they triggered mania. I did a lot of research on all this, as mental illness runs on both sides of our family.

 

As time went on, he became balky at the idea of meds, even though he knew mood stablizers helped and a low dose of stimulant or a nonstimulant med could have been added once he was stable moodwise.

 

He preferred to be seen as a delinquent than having any kind of "disorder" and began to be a pot smoker and a drinker. I am convinced a lot of this is self medicating behavior. He is much calmer when he smokes pot. I don't like any of it...he got worse and worse in school and lost the love he had for other things he had time for when he was homeschooled....no more reading for pleasure, very little piano, no late night science research just because something caught his attention.

 

His dad never wanted him dxed with anything or on any meds. he is of the school of thought that these disorders aren't "real" and a good whuppin or taking away all privileges should straighten any kid out.

 

We got that opinion from many. But the ppl who affected my ds in a good way were the thoughful ones, the ones who said, "what is wrong with trying a medicine under a dr's care?"

 

My son and I have a rocky relationship right now. I know none of this probably pertains to you, but whenever I read the ADHD posts, I think to myself, I once had a sweet but mood swingy little boy and I wish I had gotten some kind of real help much earlier than I did. I was so wrapped up in my world of homeschoolers who were totally anti school, anti dx, anti med, that I would not consider anything was really wrong with him. But I knew in my heart. Once I started reading up on all these things, I realized I was doing him a disservice to say he was fine the way he was or that what everyone else said was best was what I should do.

 

http://www.additudemag.com

 

http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/2511.html

[Tiramisu]

http://www.amazon.com/Different-Learners-Identifying-Preventing-Treating/dp/1416556419

 

Is this the book you're thinking of? Different Learners by Healy. I got this from the library and definitely enjoyed what I read till someone accidentally returned it, oops. She has more books as well in the same vein.

 

 

Yes, that's it. It's a hopeful book.

 

You probably didn't have to finish it since it becomes a little repetitive. In defense of Dr. Nealy, though, sometimes we need to hear things a few times to get them through our thick heads. Present company excluded, of course.:D

[renmew]

I have a 7 year old who is very similar behavior-wise. Academically he is strong; took to reading like nothing else when he had just turned two and I put him in a Montessori preschool. However, he is prone to rages, hurting himself, and gets stuck on minor issues for hours at a time. We had to keep changing schools in the beginning. Although ADHD runs in DH's family big time, he was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago with PDD-NOS, which is like autism-light.

 

I would love to homeschool him, but I must work, so I have to deal with school problems all the time. He is emotionally a four year old, so I had him repeat 1st grade, although he reads/spells at a 4th grade level. I just couldn't see putting a kid who is essentially a toddler in a 2nd grade classroom. We do medicate, but I don't always have the money to refill the script, like right now, so he is going to school unmedicated and gets into loads of trouble. The car ride home is the worst, because he has been trying all day to be good and when he relaxes he just implodes on the first small thing. I have found that if I have him skip his homework and let him run around in intense physical activity after school the evenings are a bit more tolerable. But then his teacher makes him do the homework during recess the next day... sigh.

 

Good luck, and get him checked by a pediatric pyschologist. Meds can really help them feel better about themselves, because their desires to actually be good become reachable goals.

[KrisC]

You got some great advice here. I am in a similar place and have been reaching out in forums looking for help. We are trying to go without meds and it's not easy! I've only been homeschooling for four months also, and I have two other children. Anyway, I feel your pain! Don't give up! One thing I read that I'll pass on is not to react to them emotionally because it actually satisfies them in some way (like a hit of sugar, or adreneline or something). Their brain lights up and it's a reward. So to stay emotionally neutral. I think this is fresh on my mind because I became a screaming then crying lunatic today. *sigh*

[TAKlinda]

Students with learning difficulties are often frustrated when they are unable to grasp a concept. They often need to be taught in a 'different' way. For example, memorizing math facts doesn't seem to work. Giving them a strategy like the math ladder for subtraction will make everyone's life easier.

 

Good luck, Linda.

[Misty]

If you have ruled out other possible physical causes---sleep issues, thyroid, anemia, blood sugars, ect. then YES, YES, YES--medication can make a huge difference for the child and their family.

 

And don't forget food intolerances, food sensitivities, leaky gut, etc.