please help me pick up the pieces and find a way to move forward

[ktgrok]

Tonight was an awful parenting night. Total failure. My 11 year old son has been playing Wizard 101 on the compute a lot lately, say in the past week. He found out a friend of his from public school last year plays it, and I like that boy a lot, so I've been letting him have pretty free access. The last time he played it a lot he got bored after a few weeks and dropped it for months, so I wasn't worried. I have made sure he got outside play time every day, got his school work done, etc. But I've become more annoyed as he has spent more time on it.

 

Well, his computer is set to automatically turn off at 10pm. He is technically supposed to go to bed at 9:30, but we usually let him stay up until 10pm, just because my husband's doesn't even get home until after 8pm most nights. So tonight when it turned off he asked my husband (his stepfather) to use his code to turn the internet back on so that he could log off the game, as the computer had turned off before he got a chance. DH did this, only to have ds begging to do "just one more thing" on the game. Dh said no and left the room. A few minutes later we hear things being thrown around the room! The kid is totally having a temper tantrum over this! So I call him out into the living room and tell him that he is not going to play the game at all tomorrow because of the temper tantrum. He storms off and kicks one of his baby sister's toys, then knocks the stroller over. At that point i go in there and tell him to pick up the stroller. He refuses! I tell him several times. I tell him he won't be allowed to play the game for a week. He still refuses. He is looking right at me, sitting in his bed, and flat out defying me. At that point I was just over it, and picked up his glass of water and splashed it on him :sad:

 

He freaked out. He screamed. He ran out of the room half crying. he picked up his baby sister's brand new ride on car and threw it across the room. I lost it. As he threw it I slapped him. This was the worst thing I could do. I hate myself for it. He kicked over the dog water bowl and went outside. he came back in and I still made him put the stroller away, which he did only after he saw I was not leaving him alone until he did. Even then he only did it because the baby was crying for me (DH had her) and I wasn't going to go to her until he put it away.

 

So now he refused to let me help him put dry sheets on and is curled up at the bottom of his bed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to parent a child that will flat out refuse to do what I tell him to. And I won't have a diagnosis from the neuropyschologist until the 15th.

 

Please, I know I messed up. I am not usually like that. The baby is getting her molars and I was up all night with her, so I'm going on no sleep, and it shows. And I'm just sooo frustrated with him, and can't stand to live like this. He was punching things again. And last week we had a similar scene, where I had to take his phone away. I had to twist it out of his hand, and rather than let go his arm was twisted some too. That made him mad and he grabbed my arm and twisted it, and left bruises where his fingers were. that was the first time he hurt me. I don't know how to help him. The only good thing is he is sooo gentle and loving to his sister, even in his rages. And his father, my ex, is useless. I don't even know what else to say.

[Catwoman]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you've had such a rotten night, Katie, but please don't beat yourself up too much over it. You did a few things you're not proud of, but nobody died. It's not the end of the world. You and your ds were both tired and at the end of your ropes at the same time, and everything got out of hand.

 

Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be better. :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Katie - My ds cannot play games on the computer. It does something chemically to his brain and causes him to have rages much like you described.

[Pretty in Pink]

:grouphug:

 

I know it will be hard, but try to get some rest tonight if the baby doesn't keep you up again. Perhaps things will seem a bit more hopeful in the morning.

[jelbe5]

Just wanted to encourage you . . . You are a good mom who really cares. I have a special needs son who tries my patience . . . we are not perfect and that is okay. Take it one day at a time.

:grouphug:

 

Adrianne in IL

[ktgrok]

Thank you all. I love this kid so much, and see so much potential, and yet his behavior is just crazy sometimes. I did remember thinking earlier that he looked like he was tired, or getting sick. He had circles under his eyes. I think maybe I'm not the only one that was woken up by the baby last night, although he said he didn't hear her. Either way, he wasn't at his best either. But I really really really wish I had the info from the neuropsych already, so I could factor that into everything else and figure out how to help him not get like this.

[shinyhappypeople]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Everything is going to be all right.

 

It's not the end of the world. You are NOT a bad mom. You're a tired, hurting, frustrated mom. You realize you made a mistake. It happens. You're human. It's okay to forgive yourself and move on.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Sue G in PA]

:grouphug: You are not a bad Mom. You are super Mom who loves her son and was at her wits end as to how to help him. I've been there too many times to count with my own ds9 who I have posted about many times before. They sound exactly alike. I wish I had answers for you but we are still in the middle of this nightmare, too. Just know you are not a bad Mom and you are not alone. Ds9 was finally given a sort-of-diagnosis of mood disorder-NOS. Medication (an anti-depressant) has really helped prevent those types of rages. I will also add that 11yo is about the time my ds12 got very defiant and aggressive. And he doesn't have any known psychological issues like our ds9. Ds12 is also as sweet and loving as can be to his 2yo brother. It's like Jekyl and Hyde sometimes. I also agree that computer games/video games, etc. can be very addicting to many adolescents and he might have been going through "withdrawal". Does that make sense? I hope you get some rest tonight and wake up refreshed and recharged. Hang in there!

[HeidiKC]

Katie - as someone else said, I can tell you are an awesome mom who really cares. We all have those awful parenting days. I had one with my 11 yr-old ds a couple of days ago and said things I wish I hadn't. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully he'll be up for a hug in the morning.

 

I guess one thing I want to say is that it reminds me a bit of what I was like as a kid. I would NOT back down, no matter what the threat of punishment was. My parents would say, "you're grounded tomorrow". And little snot that I was, I'd say "FINE". So they'd say because I was talking back, let's make it 2 days. This would go on and on until it was weeks! And I just felt so angry. I really don't know how they should have handled it or what would have worked. But no way was I going to give in to what I felt was some kind of attack on me. I didn't want to "lose", I guess? So it's not that I have any suggestions, other than that I'm not sure I'd challenge your son so that he feels you've won and he's lost - meaning he has to put the stroller back right then. I know that's hard because you're right, and you're mad, but I think in that case it is best to walk away. Not letting him get away with it, but tell him in a stern voice that you'll discuss this tomorrow. Tomorrow is always better for everyone. Easy for me to say, because of course I am not able to easily do this with my own son! But I do think it's best. I just think that my attitude as a young teen, combined with my parents trying to force me to comply in that moment - was very negative for all involved and for our long-term relationship.

[meggie]

You are not a total failure. You had a bad night, it happens to everyone. Everything is harder when you're sleep deprived and baby's sick. :grouphug:

[Slartibartfast]

I am so sorry. :grouphug:

 

I like computer games as well but if my son was acting like that I would cut down on the computer time and go back to an earlier bedtime.

 

Young teens need MORE sleep than children or adults, if he isn't acting appropriately with more privileges then I would remove them.

 

Dh and I both have tempers, if one of us is not doing well with an issue we will tag in the other parent. :lol: It is a bit silly I admit.

Edited January 27, 2011 by Sis

[AngelBee]

:grouphug: Praying for you both.

[Audrey]

:grouphug: So, tomorrow you will sit down with your son and calmly discuss it. If you feel it appropriate you can apologize for the water thing. Perhaps together the two of you can come to an agreement on computer boundaries.

 

This isn't the end of the world. We all have those days. It could have gone so much worse. You'll work it out and you'll both be fine.

[jujsky]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

We all have moments we wish we could take back. Just move forward from here. It sounds like you're having a really rough time with him. I hope things get better.

[Tree House Academy]

I noticed this wasn't posted in the special needs forum, so I am a little confused. Do you suspect your ds11 has a problem with his anger/behavior (neuro appt)? Has this been going on for awhile?

 

Here is the deal: I have a very defiant 11 year old who pushes his limits more and more every.single.day. He can get stubborn and will scream and throw things or tear things up at times when he gets mad. Just like you, I have lost it before and screamed at him, spanked/slapped him, grounded him indefinitely, etc. You and I are human and it does get tiring and wears on every last nerve you have. Sometimes it takes every bit of my strength to deal with him - and i am also remarried so my dh is his step-dad which may make a difference somewhat. I will tell you that my younger son has now started to pick up older ds' behavior and will hit ds11 when he is mad, etc. It makes for a very volitile situation at times and it stresses me out and makes me feel like a failure.

 

However...neither of us are failures! We love our kids and we try our best, but we are human and to "err is human." We learn and we move on. There was only one perfect man that walked this earth and we are NOT him. We are doing the absolute best we can. The fact that you came her and poured your heart out knowing that some would judge (because it is easy to judge and advise people when you have NEVER walked in their shoes) - and not that anyone has yet on this thread - shows that you are an incredible mom who is trying her best to raise a decent member of society.

 

When I feel this way, I talk to God. I don't know your faith, but prayer is really helping here.

 

Hugs to you!

[Unicorn.]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry you've had such a rotten night, Katie, but please don't beat yourself up too much over it. You did a few things you're not proud of, but nobody died. It's not the end of the world. You and your ds were both tired and at the end of your ropes at the same time, and everything got out of hand.

 

Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

 

Cat

:iagree: It happens, especially w/ kids like your ds, and my dd. :grouphug:

 

:

Katie - My ds cannot play games on the computer. It does something chemically to his brain and causes him to have rages much like you described.

 

:iagree: here too. With my ad/hd kids, computer and tv make them rage more. Definitely limit his time. 1 hour a day or less, maybe only an hour on the weekends. :grouphug:

[Little Nyssa]

:grouphug:

Every parent has days like this but we so rarely talk about it. this is real. :grouphug:

 

I agree with the lady who said:

" I'm not sure I'd challenge your son so that he feels you've won and he's lost "

and sometimes it's best to walk away.

And... in our family I try not to let DS play on the computer anytime near bedtime, because it does make him irritable.

[Margo out of lurking]

Katie, every time I see a post here questioning boy behavior, I always guess that the boy is around the ages of 10-12. I don't know anything about your visit to a neuropsych, but this has been one of my personally hardest ages to parent.

 

Between the phone and the computer issues you've had lately, it may be time to reconsider his maturity and access to anything with a screen. The video games are too much for some kids, they are just wired that way.

 

At this point, I wouldn't attempt to force him to do anything. He's at the age where you can't. It's hard for me to change my knee-jerk reactions, but you can deny privileges, deny access to things he enjoys, and not push if he's ignoring you (ignore him instead). You can be thankful that you have several years left to help him grow up. It might help tomorrow morning if you just briefly apologize for overreacting. I don't know that I would ask for an apology from him. Hopefully the results you are expecting will be able to offer a longer range plan.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

ann

[oldskool]

:grouphug: I had a day like this last week. Horrible, horrible parenting day for me. It is so hard in the heat of the moment to react and deal with children in the best possible way all of the time. After the air cleared we talked, forgave one another, and moved on. It is all we can do. Sometimes kids (and parents) are tired, hungry, emotional, etc., etc, etc. and things get out of control. It happens and is often just a part of being human and living together as a family. We all have the good, bad, and ugly days. You are not alone.

 

:grouphug:

 

Lesley

[Mom24bz1g]

I have four sons and while I would like life to be perfect...

 

I agree that the age he's at is a challenging one. My third is there with the fourth a year away.

 

I, personally, would take all but logic type, read - Chuzzle, Pizza Frenzy games away. I tell my dear sons that if a computer game becomes more important than real life the game is gone. I am not at all against computer games either, but we have been known to take Nintendo, Xbox, etc and it goes into a closet for months at a time.

 

There has come a time (around 14-15) that the boys have learned control and don't let it run their lives.

 

Anyway...what I really wanted to say was when my first son would act the way you are describing at the beginning of your story and I could feel my temper rising and we were going to get into a battle of wills and I WAS GOING TO WIN, which, isn't really winning........I eventually came up with an idea to hopefully save face for both of us.

 

My boys (and it starts around 11) are allowed to ask for 5-10 minutes or I will ask them if they would like 5-10 minutes to cool off and we will revisit whatever was about to boil over. Usually, not always, but usually this is enough of a break that we don't end up with a battle.

 

For the 5-10 minutes they are not allowed to continue what they are doing, they have to either go their room or in my 13yo son's case he has a "cave" outside, on our property, he goes to. Those are the only choices. I go on about my business, but set a timer so I can go to them and finish our discussion.

 

While this sounds simple, it isn't really. Their tempers are boiling, their independence is fighting to be free and your temper is boiling. I am now starting to do this with my 11 year old. They are NOT allowed to slam the door shut on their way to their bedroom.:D It's not really a time out because they can come to me at any time to finish our "discussion".

 

I will say that this has been the single most effective way to reduce conflict that becomes just a power struggle. The boys have had to learn to ask for 5 minutes and I have had to learn to offer 5 minutes or we can do it the hard way. It takes time for this to work because of the power struggle but once both of you learn to do this, maybe it will lessen the struggles.

 

My hubby doesn't do this as naturally as I do, but I will, gently, take him aside and remind him about this.

 

I think you will find out that your son is having a surge of hormones and/or he just can't handle the games he's playing right now.

 

I don't log on here a lot anymore but saw this and thought this might help.

 

I tell the kids often that if we are going to spend all day with each other we are going to find a way to get along.

 

Blessings,

Michele

[ktgrok]

I noticed this wasn't posted in the special needs forum, so I am a little confused. Do you suspect your ds11 has a problem with his anger/behavior (neuro appt)? Has this been going on for awhile?

 

Here is the deal: I have a very defiant 11 year old who pushes his limits more and more every.single.day. He can get stubborn and will scream and throw things or tear things up at times when he gets mad. Just like you, I have lost it before and screamed at him, spanked/slapped him, grounded him indefinitely, etc. You and I are human and it does get tiring and wears on every last nerve you have. Sometimes it takes every bit of my strength to deal with him - and i am also remarried so my dh is his step-dad which may make a difference somewhat. I will tell you that my younger son has now started to pick up older ds' behavior and will hit ds11 when he is mad, etc. It makes for a very volitile situation at times and it stresses me out and makes me feel like a failure.

 

However...neither of us are failures! We love our kids and we try our best, but we are human and to "err is human." We learn and we move on. There was only one perfect man that walked this earth and we are NOT him. We are doing the absolute best we can. The fact that you came her and poured your heart out knowing that some would judge (because it is easy to judge and advise people when you have NEVER walked in their shoes) - and not that anyone has yet on this thread - shows that you are an incredible mom who is trying her best to raise a decent member of society.

 

When I feel this way, I talk to God. I don't know your faith, but prayer is really helping here.

 

Hugs to you!

 

Yes, we feel he has some kind of special needs. He has always been a difficult child, and lately these kind of problems prompted us to seek a diagnosis. And oh my goodness, thank you for the reminder to pray. I am embarrassed to say I haven't done that tonight.

[ktgrok]

so many of you have reminded me that insisting on winning doesn't really mean winning. I've been terrified to let him "get away with" the behavior. You are right, there is nothing wrong with telling hiim "we will deal with this tomorrow".

 

thank you!

[Peela]

We have certainly had our wild times around here too and it is normal as far as I can tell- when you have a certain type of kid. YOU just keep going, forgive yourself, forgive them, and see what can be done.

Computer games are a notorious trigger. A certain online game had to be banned here because of the extremely addictive behaviour it was encouraging in ds. ALl his friends were allowed to play it except ds...then slowly, one by one, his friends' parents banned it too. Sometimes it takes one parent to make a stand for others to feel they are not the only one banning their kid.

 

You are not a bad person or a bad parent..you are human.

Your son is probably as frightened of his rage as you are...he will need help in learning to manage it- and i have found that all the moralising in the world doesn't help much when the emotions are running high...because its very hard to pull out of, once triggered, for a kid (adults too, but we have years of practice).

[Joyofsixreboot]

(((Hugs))) It happens. To everyone if they tell the truth and have more than two kids. I have had those nights with my completely neurotypical kids and I was (and still can be) like your ds. Apologize and move on. It's all you can do.:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: So, tomorrow you will sit down with your son and calmly discuss it. If you feel it appropriate you can apologize for the water thing. Perhaps together the two of you can come to an agreement on computer boundaries.

 

This isn't the end of the world. We all have those days. It could have gone so much worse. You'll work it out and you'll both be fine.

 

:iagree: :grouphug: I also agree you need to apologize to him for the water and the slap. That does not excuse his behavior or consequences for his behavior. It could be a door to discussing appropriate responses when angered.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

A few years ago we bought one of those heavy bag punching bags. I use it to blow off steam, it's really helpful.

[Renee in NC]

Any parent who says they have never regretted anything they have ever done is lying to you.:tongue_smilie: That is a challenging age and sometimes I think video games are horrible for males - even my dh can get that way when playing a game. Add on top of that possible other issues, and its just plain hard!

 

:grouphug:

 

Tomorrow is a new day.

[mom31257]

:grouphug: Praying for you. Be assured that we've all been there in regretting our actions. No parent is perfect. I know mine sure weren't, but besides all their mistakes and mine as their child, I have a loving relationship with them. I also think I turned out just fine.

 

I do find that the way I react causes them to react even worse. If I do something that I know was the wrong thing, I apologize to my kids (such as the slapping). I think kids need to see that we are not perfect and have an example of what to do when you mess up.

[BlsdMama]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Katie - My ds cannot play games on the computer. It does something chemically to his brain and causes him to have rages much like you described.

 

 

It's an addiction... :(

[JessReplanted]

You can move on. Apologize to him for losing it. Address his behavior, let him know it was unacceptable, and take the computer away.

[cdrumm4448]

I guess one thing I want to say is that it reminds me a bit of what I was like as a kid. I would NOT back down, no matter what the threat of punishment was. My parents would say, "you're grounded tomorrow". And little snot that I was, I'd say "FINE". So they'd say because I was talking back, let's make it 2 days. This would go on and on until it was weeks!

 

This is exactly what happened with DS yesterday! We were up to 9 days grounded (no playing with friends) when he finally gave up. It was all over something ridiculous. DH and I were going car shopping with the kids. A neighbor girl was over because she had gotten out of school early and her mom asked me to watch her. I told my kids the girl had to go home when we left to look at cars. DS freaked. It went on for hours! He wanted her to go with. I usually wouldn't care if she came along, but car shopping is stressful enough for me, I didn't need someone else's child. We tried explaining all of this to DS, but he dug in his heals. He wouldn't stop talking back. So, he's grounded for 9 days. They are going to be very long days for both of us!

 

ETA: The worst part is that the girl's mother called and said she wanted her home, and couldn't go with us. So, all of that for nothing!

[AnitaMcC]

First off... don't beat yourself up too much over losing control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are all human and there will be times that our human limits have been stretched so much that we snap... that is a human thing. I know that I have done things that I totally regret and hated myself for doing those things.

 

Now, you can take what I write and just toss it into the trash. It is what I have learned from many years of talking with child counselors and dealing with a nephew with an alphabet soup of dx's (one of them being oppositional defiance disorder).

 

What is important is that you realized that you lost control. And to be honest... I have done similar to my kids. One thing that makes me loose it is absolute.out.in.the.open.full.blown.defiance. And I would react the same way pushed as much as you were pushed by your Ds. I have been there!!!!!

 

Now, after you get some rest and have had a chance to think it all through and talk with your Dh.... then talk to your son about the whole situation. Let him know that you were in the wrong for loosing your temper. Explain how you felt during the situation and afterwards. Tell him what you have decided to do about your actions.

 

One thing that I have found is as soon as I feel that I may loose my temper... I say to whoever that I need time to cool off and so do he/she, and then I make myself walk away to cool off. Maybe also next time you can watch his signals.

 

I have found with a few of my kids that punishing them while they are still struggling with their own temper... that it just makes it all totally worse.

 

Also, I have found that as long as their tantrum is doing no actual harm (not destroying my house, not hurting anyone or self) then it was better to let them have their tantrum and then later when they were calmer to deal with the tantrum issue as well as what brought the tantrum on. If their tantrum is dangerous (nephew had a rage disorder and would punch the concrete walls) then someone would put the child in a safety hold lock until he calmed down a bit.

 

But don't put all the responsibility of situation on you. IMO he is also responsible. He needs to understand how you both are responsible for own actions as well as pushing someone else beyond human tolerance. He needs to know that deliberately provoking you was not the right choice. Then get him talking about his feelings, his thoughts on it. Chances are he is also beating himself up over it (or if he is like my nephew, he is absolutely refusing to even think that he was in the wrong at all). I am also thinking he is totally confused to why he pushed you so far. Likely in all that, his emotions got the better of him and he just had no control at that time too. Then after you had your talk, ask him what he thinks the consequences should be. Tell him what consequences you think is fair and then dole out the consequence(s).

[Joanne]

Every parent has moments they regret. Apologize, move on. As long as those times are rare (and it sounds like they are), it's well within normal range of functioning.

 

I think the mistake was less the rage on your part, but that you expected him in those moments to obey. This is what exacerbated your frustration.

 

I'd simply remove Wizard 101 play. For us, any sign of screen addiction = no more screens. Game play (and I am not anti game play) means you play well and within family rules. Our family rules are you leave "well" when told to by a parent and extreme reactions mean the game time disappears.

 

{{hugs}}

[Laurie4b]

so many of you have reminded me that insisting on winning doesn't really mean winning. I've been terrified to let him "get away with" the behavior. You are right, there is nothing wrong with telling hiim "we will deal with this tomorrow".

 

thank you!

 

:iagree: The main point when the kid is raging is to switch your goal from compliance to helping him get to a place of calm. Until you are both in a state of calm, you can't deal with anything. Anger management is a huge part of what we need to teach our kids, so it's quite "on topic."

 

This guy's stuff is quite good. Very practical. http://celebratecalm.com/ I head him at a local school. His kid is ADHD and he (dad) was always losing his temper. Now they travel together and do workshops, have summer camps for kids with control issues, etc.

[kalanamak]

Any parent who says they have never regretted anything they have ever done is lying to you.

 

Tomorrow is a new day.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

[ondreeuh]

It is really hard for my ds to transition from video games to "real life." I think the games overstimulate their brains and then when it's taken away they are frantic and feel like they have nothing else to lose. If/when your son gets video games again, a 10-minute warning might help him transition.

 

I struggle too with striking out of anger (because that's the opposite of what I want to teach) but there are moments when it seems like the only option. I just hope that all the times I model staying calm outweigh the few times I get a little rough.

[elfgivas]

one of the things the book "peaceful parents, peaceful kids" recommends is for each person to have a list of things they can do that will help them calm down when they are angry (playing legos, listening to music, reading, having a shower...) and that they post them in their rooms. then when things get heated, you (or they) can suggest that its time to look at the list and have a 20 minute cooling off time. then you can come back together and deal with whatever in a calmer manner.

 

:grouphug:

its hard.

ann