Is your dh your bff?

[Sue G in PA]

Do you consider your dh to be your best friend? One of your best friends? If so, can you share how you accomplish this? I mean, how do you keep your relationship from becoming just "2 people raising children together in the same house". My dh and I used to have fun together. We used to LOVE to hang out, watch TV, cuddle, go to movies, out to eat, etc. Anything...as long as we were together. I know marriage goes through stages and phases. We have a good marriage...but we are losing "something". I just don't know what. Dh says he misses me. I reply, "Where did I go?" :tongue_smilie: He says I am emotionally and physically distant, spend too much time on the 'puter (he has a point) and seem "unavailable". I guess I have been. My mind is so focused on the kids, homeschooling, keeping the house, ds9's behavioral issues, my own mental health challenges, etc. that when I have "free time"...I tend to use it to be alone, read, get "lost" in the computer, etc. Sorry to ramble, I just need tips on how to rekindle the friendship we once had...and how I in particular can regain that desire.

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

You'll find a solution.

[JennifersLost]

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is a great book.

 

Dh and I have always got along really, really well, but when I read that book I realized there were a couple of long-term issues that got in the way of us being best friends. I was able to resolve them entirely through my own steps by way of this book and it really helped.

 

I think long-term resentments are the death of any friendship.

[Hen]

yes, my dh is my best friend. I have a best friend girl-friend, but dh is my best friend and the one I tell everything to.

 

Well, yes, the kids and homeschooling have changed things- but the big thing for him is to not have me treat him, at the end of the day like he is one more thing to cross off my check list. I give him attention before we go to bed and I don't make it like he "owes" me.

 

We go on a date night every Monday night, even when the kids were little and we had to get a babysitter- to accomplish this back then, we would eat at inexpensive places and share a dinner. We go to a bookstore after dinner and hang out. Now that the kids are older, we often go to a quick lunch on Sunday after church, just the two of us. The date night was really more for me, I was stir crazy from homeschooling, back when the kids were little- but, it has been a good thing for our marriage, we get to talk and interact as a couple, not as mom and dad.

 

when he comes home, he always hugs me and we talk to each other first- it's usually quick, now the dog complains until he pays attention to her.

 

I think the biggest thing is to realize that we are on each-others cheering squad- we are not enemies or annoyances to each other. We try to make each other happy.

[maddykate]

For us, it has been finding something that we both enjoy and focusing on that together. For example, Dh and I both want an organic farm one day, so we spend a lot of time researching it together and dreaming about what we would like to accomplish. We still talk about the kids, the house, work, school, etc., but having just one thing to dream about together has kept us on the same page and given us something that we really can't share with other people. It seems like throughout our 18 years of marriage that the "one" thing has changed or molded into other things that we focus on to keep the friendship alive. It has helped us to look forward to things in our life that do not pertain to the children and that we have to work for together for the greater good of our future.

 

What are you passionate about? What is he passionate about?

[Carol in Cal.]

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It is a great book.

 

 

What a great title! I can just imagine most of the guys I know standing up and cheering.

[Cindyz]

Yes, he is my BFF. It's not something that we really work at. It just is what it is. :001_smile:

[Lucy in Australia]

Yes, he is, but that's not to say I don't have a couple of female friends who I'm very tight with. They both place a lot of emphasis on loving their husbands so that helps the friendships stay in balance.

 

I would also suggest making the time for a "date night" or just a regular time each week when just the two of you are together. It's hard when kids are little but very worth it, IMHO.

 

DH and I also have a few interests that we share (much like Maddykate) so we talk about them, do research on them, etc...

[Laura in STL]

I would say yes, but it does take an effort to keep it that way. Dh and I have known each other since we were eleven. That's only one year older than our oldest child! It seems like a long time when I think of it like that! Anyway, I can definitely get caught up in the kids/homeschooling and dh in work, but we try to take time each week for just the two of us. Sometimes it's a date night, and sometimes to just hang out and talk like we used to before kids.

[littlebug42]

Yes, he is my best friend. We talk to each other a lot and other than our children, we are each other's primary companion. Sometimes we might both be on laptops in the same room but the conversation is easy. We have always insisted on early bedtimes for the kids which gives us some quiet time in the evenings and we have at least one or two date type days a month when the kids spend the nights with Grandmas. Usually it is on the weekend and consists of lunch and maybe shopping together so it isn't anything terribly exciting but it is time together. We have been married for 12 years and the friendship keeps getting stronger.

[katemary63]

After 26 years of marriage, my DH and I are even closer now, emotionally, then ever. We are best friends. We decided long ago that our relationship would be the most important thing in our lives. We call it "The Us." Absolutely nothing trumps the Us. We nurture it and care for it by nurturing and caring for each other. What ever we can do to show love for each other, we try to do. It's intentional, not automatic or accidental.

 

In practical terms for us that includes:

 

Lots of kind, loving, encouraging, affectionate, praising words - daily.

 

Doing little things for each other such as fixing the other a plate for dinner or getting the other's favorite blanket or helping them do what ever they are doing even though they didn't ask. Try to out do each other doing for the other! It's fun!

 

Lots and lots of physical affection - always kisses & hugs hello and goodbye - make the effort!, sit next to each other to watch TV, hold hands, cuddle in bed every night for a long time before going to sleep, (we can't get enough cuddling and we both think it makes a huge difference in our closeness. We cuddle, talk and carress for 30 minutes or more every night - precious, precious time together!) and of course frequent tea (which is often caused by cuddling! :D).

 

Listening to the other share what ever they want to share, letting them know you listened and care about their day, experiences and thoughts.

 

This doesn't all come naturally. Sometimes I am at my computer enjoying myself. I don't want to go into the living room where he is. I want to sit and veg out on Netflix or work on my blog. But that's not good for the Us, so I don't. I get up and go out and spend time with him. If I am working on something important, I'll tell him what I'm doing and about how long it'll take so he doesn't think I'm just choosing my computer over him.

 

We try to make sure that when he is home, we are together as much as possible. We clean the kitchen together after dinner, we go for a walk, do the barn chores together, etc. I could do the kitchen while he does the barn chores, but that wouldn't be good for the Us. So when ever possible, even if it's not the easiest way, we do what ever it is, together. For example, sometimes I simply accompany him on an errand or chore. There's nothing for me to do and I could be home getting something else done. But, again, the Us comes first. So we go together and then do my other chore together later too. This was something he started when we were young and it has made a huge impact on our relationship. He would say to me, "I've been away from you all day. I'm not going to be away from you all evening too." There's nothing wrong with alone time and we each have ours. But MOST of our time, when not working outside the home, is spent together.

 

Never forget that you are on the same team. Partners. Us. Work together to solve a problem like partners on a team. Never treat your partner like he/ she is on the "other" team.

[Hen]

KateMary,

 

beautiful post! I like that, "the us". I agree with so much of what you wrote- it is the little things, the touching...I walk by and make sure to touch him, we sit touching. I do have my hobbies, and he has his, but we put a priority on stopping at a reasonable time and then be together. We try to do little nice things for each other, ask what we can do to help if the other is looking busy or frazzled- I'm usually the frazzled one.

 

Remember to be kind with words, don't say things when angry that you cannot take back, don't wound each other. We don't put each other down, and yes, we like to tease a bit, but it is laughing with each other, never at- the teasing only happens with things the other has already laughed at themselves at-signaling that it is okay to fun at. Try to remember the golden rule.

 

We are grateful that we were lucky enough to find the other, that we both fell in love and married, so we want to treat each other like we are grateful and happy for that miracle.

[BMW]

Yes! And I have to remind myself of that when our difference irritate me! When I met him, I met a best friend. He's so kind and caring. When we step out of the parenting mode to just be a couple, it is so great! I knew from the first time we met that I could spend my entire life with him... I felt safe.

 

Now, my best girl friends and my mom and I... we get on the phone and talk all day and laugh and it's not exactly like that with dh.

 

But, I LOVE it that my smile is important to him. I love the look on his face and in his eyes when I am happy and it makes him so happy. I never experienced that before... in a man... until him. It fills me up. I love that I matter so much to him. I can only hope that I can give that back in return... sometimes I am so distracted with life and all these kids that I don't show him how much he matters to me.

[BlsdMama]

Well, I don't think he's my bff in high school terms. :D I have my girlfriends for the long, drawn out, feminine conversations.... So if we're asking if we have that TYPE of relationship with our DH, I'd have to say no.

 

If you're asking if he's my best friend as in if I could spend the whole day with just one human being and listen to him talk - yes, absolutely. He is my favorite person to be with... Even though the sheer CHAOS of raising these children sometimes push us past our limits, kwim?

 

I think by the time our DHs are saying they miss us or that they're jealous of our relationship of something/someone, they're probably getting pretty desperate, especially if he's not the whiney type, kwim?

 

I guess you'd do it by keeping the computer off when he's home at all times. Weekends, nights, etc. Because if you get "hooked" as soon as you sit down, then you can't control it. It's controlling you. And who wants to sacrifice a marriage, a good man, and a relationship over an electronic box or online fulfillment, kwim?

 

Marriage is never about the lovey dovey feelings. I think that's a silly expectation because then people say, "Well I FEEL this way, therefore I ACT this way."

 

That is utterly, totally, completely wrong.

 

It's backwards. Marriage should be - I ACT this way and generally the feelings follow. We act a certain way because we know it's best, not because we feel like it.

 

We take care of our children whether we feel like it or not. We feed them... Whether we feel like it or not. We say purposeful, intentional things whether we feel like it or not.

 

Our husbands need the same relationship. We need to encourage them, build them up, listen, be supportive, sit in the same room, whether we FEEL like it or not.

 

The problem is we SEE the vulnerability, the need, in the children. So we put them first. And then we put our marriage behind that.

 

Put the children BEHIND the husband. Tell them, "Not right now." Tell them, "Please don't interrupt your dad. He was speaking and I'd like to hear what he's saying." Tell them, "Tonight we're making DAD'S favorite meal." Tell them, by actions, he is important. Truthfully, they'll be better off by taking a backseat.

 

And - READ THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES - not thinking of self, which is hard, but trying to see how your husband is speaking to you and so how you need to speak to him.

 

Lately I've been putting MY children first. And I can see it is taking it's toll. :( "Honey, can you wait just a minute - she was...." Um. No.

[WiseOwlKnits]

Yes, my DH is definitely my bff.

 

A couple of books I'd recommend (if you're not offended by Christian authors):

 

The Five Love Languages - this was eye-opening to me a few years ago and really helped cement to me how I could be doing x, y, and z and have him still feeling unfulfilled.

 

The Love Dare - this book doesn't have to be just for couples in "trouble." In fact, I think it's even better when you have a strong marriage to build off of. DH and I went through this book and I've actually been meaning to get it back and do it again even though we're in a good spot right now.

[Negin]

Yes, he is. Always has been. I hope to have more time to post later. But both of us feel it's been because we've never been the types to allow other friends to take priority or precedence. We put each other first. Our lives are not ever so busy that we spend way too much time with other people. I have friends who have such busy homes and lives - almost like Grand Central Station - they don't even know who's in their home and who's out of it - overwhelming. They spend all their time rushing around, taking their kids to various activities, vacationing separately, having tons of friends (too many, IMHO), long phone conversations, you name it ... and then there's little energy or time for one another. That's not us. My dh and I can be quite the isolationist, reclusive types. We just prefer it that way. Friends come and friends go. But our marriage is to stay. Not making much sense at this hour in the morning. Hope to maybe add more later, as well as read what others have said.

[Guest jsneuser]

Dh is one of my best friends. For us it's all about sharing goals and dreams. We have a lot of things we're working towards together and it keeps things fresh. We also talk a lot about our future. It doesn't mean things don't get boring and busy but we have a way to connect.

[angela in ohio]

Do you consider your dh to be your best friend? One of your best friends? If so, can you share how you accomplish this? I mean, how do you keep your relationship from becoming just "2 people raising children together in the same house". My dh and I used to have fun together. We used to LOVE to hang out, watch TV, cuddle, go to movies, out to eat, etc. Anything...as long as we were together. I know marriage goes through stages and phases. We have a good marriage...but we are losing "something". I just don't know what. Dh says he misses me. I reply, "Where did I go?" :tongue_smilie: He says I am emotionally and physically distant, spend too much time on the 'puter (he has a point) and seem "unavailable". I guess I have been. My mind is so focused on the kids, homeschooling, keeping the house, ds9's behavioral issues, my own mental health challenges, etc. that when I have "free time"...I tend to use it to be alone, read, get "lost" in the computer, etc. Sorry to ramble, I just need tips on how to rekindle the friendship we once had...and how I in particular can regain that desire.

 

It sounds like you already know what the problem is. I personally think you can't wait around or try to find a formula for regaining the desire to do something like this... you just make yourself do it. Just do the next thing. Tomorrow, choose what specific, active thing you are going to do and don't allow yourself to not do it. Your emotions will follow your actions. You can either be on the upward spiral (you are giving dh what he needs, so he is doing the same for you, so you do more for him, and then he does more for you) or the downward spiral. When you are in the downward spiral, someone has to step out in faith and start things moving in the right direction.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds bossy :D but this is a very, very important matter!! How awesome that you have a dh who wants to spend time and be close to you!

 

Yes, dh is my bf, far and above all others. We have had those moments where life or work or problems started to get in the way, and we face that head on by both working harder to keep "us" going strong. It is easy to take for granted that the other person will be there for you (not that they won't be,) and so to spend all of your energy on other things.

[Jenny in Atl]

Yes... my better half.

[Peela]

Yes, we are best friends- our relationship is unique and irreplacable by the other friendships we have. However, there are things I wouldnt talk about to dh that I can talk to my girlfriends about.

 

For us and our unique chemistry and compatilbility (or lack of, in our case- not kidding- we are not compatible, and this is our 20th year together, and we even love each other!) the key has always been communication and committment. Committment on his part more than mine, to be honest, but it was a glue which held us together though some rough times.

 

We communicate a lot, and when things dont feel very fresh, we usually communicate to get through it.

We are not afraid of conflict, either. Sometimes the best way through some really sticky, stuckr dull situations is for someone to speak out even if it leads to some conflict. Communication then gets us through that conflict to some fresher ground on the other side, where we are seeing each other more clearly.

 

Honestly. We are both very honest with each other and when we dont feel good about something the other has done, or how we are behaving with each other, we say so. I think our relative bluntness has stopped things building up too much. We just blah it all out and work through it. But that is the way it works for us- it might be disastrous for others.

 

Which I guess is the point, too. Every relationship is unique and what works for one might not work for another. We both feel strongly that the relationship must support us as individuals as well as the family, so bottom line is giving each other acceptance and ...freedom. Freedom to have wings and be ourselves and find our own passions and what brings us alive, even if that means sometimes going against the other. It has worked for us in the long term because we dont resent each other.

[chickenpatty]

It sounds like you already know what the problem is. I personally think you can't wait around or try to find a formula for regaining the desire to do something like this... you just make yourself do it. Just do the next thing. Tomorrow, choose what specific, active thing you are going to do and don't allow yourself to not do it. Your emotions will follow your actions. You can either be on the upward spiral (you are giving dh what he needs, so he is doing the same for you, so you do more for him, and then he does more for you) or the downward spiral. When you are in the downward spiral, someone has to step out in faith and start things moving in the right direction.

 

I'm sorry if this sounds bossy :D but this is a very, very important matter!! How awesome that you have a dh who wants to spend time and be close to you!

 

Yes, dh is my bf, far and above all others. We have had those moments where life or work or problems started to get in the way, and we face that head on by both working harder to keep "us" going strong. It is easy to take for granted that the other person will be there for you (not that they won't be,) and so to spend all of your energy on other things.

 

:iagree: I think this is good advice. :grouphug:

[MomsintheGarden]

My dh definitely is my bff. We are more reclusive types, too, even though he is much more of an extrovert than I am, and we prefer to stay home most of the time. Dh is very good at discerning problems in relationships and pointing them out. I honestly believe that if it wasn't for him pushing for us to put Us first, we wouldn't have an Us.

 

Listen to your dh. Be thankful that he cares enough to want change. While it's great to try to figure out what to do about improving things, you might want to ask him what he needs, too. Even if he can't answer right away, it will let him know you care enough to begin changing.

 

Best wishes for your marriage,

GardenMom

Edited January 24, 2011 by MomsintheGarden

[Princess Peach]

Yes, my DH is my BFF. And I am his. I can only say that he is an amazing man. He puts up with a lot. :tongue_smilie:

 

OP, It sounds like the two of you really want to work on your relationship. I know it's difficult when you have to give so much of yourself to your kids, your home, but I have heard that one should cultivate the marriage relationship first. Otherwise when the kids grow up and move out, the husband and wife end up looking at each other like, "who are you?".

 

Best wishes to you. :grouphug::grouphug:

[SailorMom]

:grouphug:

I think all marriages go through times when spouses are a bit distant, or just so busy they don't connect.

It is really difficult - especailly if there are young children around - to do anything about it.

However, you have to somehow make your DH your 1st priority. Your kids will not be happy if your marriage is not good - so you can justify it that way ;) And yes - you have to make the physical side of your relationship a priority as well. The dishes will wait, the kids can eat a frozen pizza occasionally, the dust and laundry will always be there.

DH and I now try to get away for 3 or 4 days by ourselves every year. I know it sounds impossible, but you just have to really want it. You don't have to spend much - heck - even camping for 3 days would be great!

Those days really re-charge our marriage. We also go to brunch almost every Sunday when he isn't deployed.

He is my BFF in most ways. He is the person I have to talk to to make anything,,,, real.... I do have a wonderful female friend I have known since I was 14 who understands being a woman a bit more :) But I try to do most of my talking with DH - even if he doesn't always get it, he tries.

The Five Love Languages is a wonderful book, DH and I read it around 13 years ago and it made a big difference in our marriage.

[Mommee & Baba]

I really hope you two can rekindle the bond you once had :grouphug:...

 

I do consider my dh to be my bff. He says the same for me. We both share things together and enjoy one another. We can laugh together over the silly things and spend an hour tickle wrestling at midnight!...so we can still have fun and it's been so rewarding!! We can share our midnight snacks and flirt like we're in highschool again. When we're having a rough day we're both there to hear one another out and try to comfort one another to bring our mood up. We both share in the joy and love of having our family but we also know that we are a couple and once our children grow up and move out we don't want to be that couple that looks at one another lost and wondering where they've been all these years...so we make it FUN! Even it takes the energy we seem to never have...

 

I want to say it's always been this way....but in honesty...we've been through some rough things and at one point weren't on the same level. Since we've came out the other side our bond together has been strong, stable and amazing!

 

DH read alot of Christian marriage books and I read through and did The Love Dare....wow talk about finding a new me in that book!! Very empowering! We also both read through the five love languages!

[Tess in the Burbs]

Dh is my BFF. But I lost him for awhile.

 

He said I was distant and on the computer too much. Get off! Change the times you are on so that when you and dh are home it's together and not on the computer.

 

Find something to do together. Dh and I had built our own lives with our own activities. We had to find something to do together again! We are back to camping/hiking and bought kayaks to do as a family. He cut back on his mtn biking and I cut back on my scrapbooking and MNOs.

 

It took effort on both our parts but we are BFFs again. He listens to me talk about curriculum and I listen to computer/electronic stuff. We both get bored but we pay attention. :lol: dh admitted to me I was putting him to sleep on the couch the other night. So I started talking about his stuff. It's possible to make your dh your BFF...it's about listening!

 

I have done the distant thing and it was a miserable experience. If your dh has the guts to say you are distant do everything in your power to get that closeness back! The alternative is so heart breaking. It's possible.

 

so go list things you want to do, have him list things he wants to do, and find some common activities together. And do them. :-)

[FaithManor]

Yes, Dh is my best friend. We are closer than any other couple I have ever known. I've always assumed that it was because we were very close buddies in college before the romantic feelings began to surface. When we met, he was taking piano lessons from my college professor which was a fluke. Normally non piano performance majors could not take lessons from the head of the department or associate professors, only adjuncts. But, he'd signed up for "class piano" for fun, having had lessons for many years as a child, and it just happened that the adjunct professor teaching the class became dangerously ill quite suddently, and so my piano prof was subbing in at the last minute. She realized that this guy was sitting there who was capable of playing Bach Two part inventions and Mozart Rhapsody's....clearly way to advanced for the class and too late to start private piano with one of the other adjuncts. So, since she had an hour in her schedule and she thought he was a really neat student, she took him on and never let him go even though semester after semester, he was NOT supposed to be on her docket.

 

We met through her; my first semester of college, dh and I's lessons were back to back scheduled. We were always coming and going from her office and the practice rooms. I was a piano performance major, far more advanced a player than he was though his technique, to this day, is OUTSTANDING!. He'd drop by my practice room and ask for help with some passage of music, etc. and then it just naturally gravitated towards spending more and more time hanging out together, going to concerts, plays, opera, etc. together. He would date some girl that treated him like crap and I'd get all, "Get rid of her now; you deserve better!" on him and then I'd date some jerk, and he'd want to beat the idiot up. As for the above piano professor, she'd already decided we were perfect for each other and every time one of us would go out on a date with someone else, she'd have an UNHOLY fit about it...tongue lashings for the first 5 minutes of every lesson. She was so certain we should marry that she had our roomates and others in the music department spying on us and reporting back. So, if I was say, going to the opera with A.W., she'd know about it and I'd "catch h*ll" the next day. She was one of those women who could seriously discipline you for whatever she thought was an infraction of her view of what you should be doing with your life, and instead of being angry about her nosy wasy, you'd be just in awe that this amazing person even cared and thank her for continuing to put up with you!!!! She was one special person.

 

This went on for a whole semester until I wanted to visit my grandparents over a long break and they lived only three hours from his home in Florida so he offered to let me ride with him. At some point in the wee hours of a 24 hour drive in which we were taking turns napping and driving, we decided to pull into a rest area and both nap at the same time. For whatever reason, I certainly wasn't really thinking about it at the time, I leaned over and put my head on his shoulder to go to sleep. He kind of snuggled in and the next thing I know, he kissed me! BIG WOUSERS! There may as well have been fireworks, the Hallelujah Chorus, and a parade!

 

I did go visit my grandparents though I would have considered just hanging out with him for two weeks. But, the dating anyone else was OUT OF THE QUESTION after that. We were engaged 6.5 months later and married 21 months after we met. It's been this way ever since. He's my first choice to just hang out with, though I do have a wonderful, very close female friend that I do spend time with...quilt stores, Barnes and Nobles, Christmas Shopping together, etc. and she's great! But, I'd choose just being with DH any day of the week! We think alike, very rarely disagree on anything - though, he is Bill Nye the Science Guy and my house looks like the inside of a messy chemistry factory AT ALL TIMES - and pretty much love all of the same things so it's just easy for us to enjoy each other's company.

 

As for that fireworks/parade kiss thing....we still get at least a decent Marching Band after 22 years! I don't have any words of advice except to say that maybe the two of you could try really hard to rediscover what made you best friends earlier and then nurture that, be proactive and determined to keep that alive once you make that special connection again.

 

Faith

Edited January 24, 2011 by FaithManor
spelling

[DawnM]

I love my DH and he loves me, but in terms of friendship, there are times when I need a girlfriend to talk to.

 

My husband is very matter of fact and doesn't do "emotional" talking. Sometimes when I am sad he asks why and when I tell him he says, "Oh" in a very "whatever" way and that just gets me irritated. So, I call a girlfriend to talk about whatever it is.

 

I hate that and I wish DH were more of a good listener, but he isn't.

 

Dawn

[Mom22ns]

My dh is my bff. I think the most important key for maintaining that is not having another bff - not a female friend, not these boards. If I talk to someone else too much, I stop sharing with dh. I don't do that with other women, but I do it here. I have to be careful.

[Catwoman]

Yes, my dh is my best friend. I wouldn't be married to him if I didn't feel that way. I'm his best friend, too. We have other acquaintances, but we always prioritize each other.

 

Cat

[Soror]

Yes, for sure. He is the only one I tell everything to and try to put him first. We both have our faults for sure but we both know it and our honest w/ each other as well. We have been married now for 11.5 yrs and both feel that we are more in love now when we got married. It isn't the same puppy dog love that it was but we do still act like teenagers in love some times!

 

I do try to keep off the computer and phone when he is home. We both have time to ourselves but it is pretty minimum- about once a month we have a night out w/ friends. It is a good recharge for us both. We both try to help each other be better people, not just for our relationship but for those around us. It is a wonderful thing to share that goal.

[Jenn in Mo]

Definitely best friends. As unromantic as this sounds, it developed like sibling friendships, I think. We started out as friends with all the goooshy romance, but time (and apparently birth control pills for me) has a way of turning people at each others' throats. And then marriages go through their reconstructive period where all your stuff gets shaken up and things settle to a new normal. Ours was good after this for years, but we still had moments we just did not like. But each year has gotten better and better.

 

Things we've done:

 

#1 I prayed for God to help me fall in love with my husband all over again.

 

#2 We set aside time to spend with each other for at least 10 minutes a day. We don't talk about to-do lists during this time and the kids aren't allowed to interrupt us during this time (except for blood, loss of consciousness, smoke, or copious amounts of water.)

 

#3 We clarify statements the other has made. Just this past year, we had AHA! moments when we started stating what we THOUGHT the other person had just said. It really cleared up so much for us. We had major communication errors going and didn't even realize it....after 15 YEARS and we talk a lot! This was surprising.

 

#4 I make a mental list of the things that matter to him and try to make them priorities. None of these are things we really talked about, but things I noticed that seem to make his day.

A. Neither of us likes to see the other on the computer, so I do mine when he's gone. He has to work on things when I'm home, but he shares what he's working on so I feel involved.

B. He doesn't mind a dirty house, but he wants clean underwear and he wants a clear table. Clutter on the table bugs him, so this is a priority when it's time for him to come home.

C. Also, I know that he has a tendency to not feel appreciated. This must be a love-language thing because I appreciate the snot out of him, but have to work extra hard to convey it.

D. He needs down-time when he comes home. We hug and love on him when he walks through the door, but then we hit chores and stuff while he unwinds before supper. We eat early together and then we have Daddy-time.

 

#5 We never, ever, never, never gripe about each other to anyone. If we have complaints, we tell each other and we deal with it.

 

I don't always like him, but I always love him. And I really do enjoy being with him. He knows all my stuff and he likes me anyway. I know all his and I like him anyway. He's funny and clever and such a great guy....Man, and now I'm very aware that there are a whole 5 hours until he gets home.

[Tap]

He is not my bff, but it is because I don't want him to be. He is my husband and we are very close because of that, but there are many things I talk to my bff about that I don't want to talk to him about. He has his own bffs, that are not me.

[UnsinkableKristen]

Yep, he's my best pal.

 

Like we always say to each other "It's ALWAYS better when we're together". No one I'd rather talk to, no one I'd rather go places with, no one I tell things to first. He's my boy, blue :)

[HRAAB]

After 26 years of marriage, my DH and I are even closer now, emotionally, then ever. We are best friends. We decided long ago that our relationship would be the most important thing in our lives. We call it "The Us." Absolutely nothing trumps the Us. We nurture it and care for it by nurturing and caring for each other. What ever we can do to show love for each other, we try to do. It's intentional, not automatic or accidental.

 

In practical terms for us that includes:

 

Lots of kind, loving, encouraging, affectionate, praising words - daily.

 

Doing little things for each other such as fixing the other a plate for dinner or getting the other's favorite blanket or helping them do what ever they are doing even though they didn't ask. Try to out do each other doing for the other! It's fun!

 

Lots and lots of physical affection - always kisses & hugs hello and goodbye - make the effort!, sit next to each other to watch TV, hold hands, cuddle in bed every night for a long time before going to sleep, (we can't get enough cuddling and we both think it makes a huge difference in our closeness. We cuddle, talk and carress for 30 minutes or more every night - precious, precious time together!) and of course frequent tea (which is often caused by cuddling! :D).

 

Listening to the other share what ever they want to share, letting them know you listened and care about their day, experiences and thoughts.

 

This doesn't all come naturally. Sometimes I am at my computer enjoying myself. I don't want to go into the living room where he is. I want to sit and veg out on Netflix or work on my blog. But that's not good for the Us, so I don't. I get up and go out and spend time with him. If I am working on something important, I'll tell him what I'm doing and about how long it'll take so he doesn't think I'm just choosing my computer over him.

 

We try to make sure that when he is home, we are together as much as possible. We clean the kitchen together after dinner, we go for a walk, do the barn chores together, etc. I could do the kitchen while he does the barn chores, but that wouldn't be good for the Us. So when ever possible, even if it's not the easiest way, we do what ever it is, together. For example, sometimes I simply accompany him on an errand or chore. There's nothing for me to do and I could be home getting something else done. But, again, the Us comes first. So we go together and then do my other chore together later too. This was something he started when we were young and it has made a huge impact on our relationship. He would say to me, "I've been away from you all day. I'm not going to be away from you all evening too." There's nothing wrong with alone time and we each have ours. But MOST of our time, when not working outside the home, is spent together.

 

Never forget that you are on the same team. Partners. Us. Work together to solve a problem like partners on a team. Never treat your partner like he/ she is on the "other" team.

 

:iagree: Beautiful and sound advice.

 

This sounds like my marriage. We are looking at 26 years in June, and I hope and pray for many, many more. Our marriage is our no. 1 priorty (not to take place of our relationship with God). There have been some rough times, but our belief and attitude about marriage have paid off. I'm very thankful that we're both on the same page regarding our views about marriage.

 

To the OP: you're in my prayers.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Yes, he is. I think it's worked for us through evening dates and talking. Almost every night after the boys are in bed, we watch a tv show, movie or read together while snacking. We usually spend much of that time talking. We also make it a priority to talk. I can always feel the distance between us when we haven't been talking and there's been a decline in *TEA*. Both of those things really keep us close.

 

Time

Talking

Tea

 

To me, those are the keys to a relationship with your spouse that's more than "raising these kids". It leads to intimacy, relationship and friendship. For me, I don't want a husband. I want a friend, partner and boyfriend. ;) LOL

[Haiku]

My husband is my best friend in that I would rather spend time with him than anyone else (caveat: honestly, I would rather be by myself than spend time with anyone else, but that's because I'm an introvert and not because there is anything wrong with my husband or anyone else).

 

If I had to choose one thing that makes us still have fun together after all these years, it would be my husband's sense of humor. Just doing things like washing the dishes or driving somewhere together becomes fun because he's so witty and clever.

 

If your husband feels that you are unavailable, it sounds like you are not getting some of your needs met. You are probably exhausted from housework, kids, and homeschooling. Perhaps it would help to identify one or two things that you could do that would help you recharge, and then ask your husband to help make sure that you get those things.

 

My husband's job was cut 25% in the fall. I got a part-time job at a place I would never have imagined myself working: a beer and liquor store. I absolutely love working there. Even though I am an introvert, I love the people I work with and our regular customers. I like that I get to have mini-conversations with interesting and nice people during my shifts. I like that I can walk to work, and I feel good about working for a small, locally owned business. I like that I get some social interaction that's not focused on my kids. Working has made things at home more hectic, but my three shifts a week are breaks from the normal routine for me, and I look forward to them.

 

For you it might be exercising or taking a class or having dh take the kids out for the evening so you can have a hot bath and a glass of wine.

 

Tara

[katemary63]

My husband is very matter of fact and doesn't do "emotional" talking. Sometimes when I am sad he asks why and when I tell him he says, "Oh" in a very "whatever" way and that just gets me irritated.

 

I have to say that this could have been my story too. My DH had a VERY hard time talking intimately at first. He still doesn't UNLESS we are in bed, in the dark, cuddling. Then and only then does he talk to me in a sensitive "emotional" way. This has imporoved over the years greatly as his willingness to open up has shown him benefits in our relationship. So, maybe if you try talking to him in such a time when you both already feel very, very close and vulnerable. For us, it's cuddle time. Who knows, it could work?

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I remember a sad story from a few years ago (probably more by now). Oh, the answer is yes, btw.

 

I was over at someone's house with a bunch of other women. Our children were playing. My husband got off early for some reason and when I wasn't home, called my cell phone to see where I was. We visited a brief while and then he came over. He said he just wanted to see me and my daughter and then stayed to see that person's new house. He just stayed a short time as I remember. I remember at some point sitting on the back patio watching the kids play. Later he left and the other moms said they were flabbergasted (though none of them probably used that word). They all said that, given an afternoon off, their husbands would never even call to see where they were much less stop in to see them. They all said their husbands would find something to do with his "free time" and it sure wouldn't have anything to do with family.

 

I'm glad beyond all measure that my husband values me and desires my company, even for a short time, on the spur of the moment, when he had a chance. I also am delighted and grateful to have a different kind of marriage, husband, and family dynamic than the women present that day.

 

I do truly understand the need to have some alone time but . . . I don't know. I think its a very sad commentary on their married lives that their husbands "wouldn't dream of coming home" on an afternoon off, that they couldn't imagine their husbands wanting to swing by to see them.

 

I would be sad for my marriage if this were the case for us.

 

I love that my husband wants to be with me and talk to me and not talk to me and listen to me and just be my dear friend.

 

I would really hate to live like those women. Well, I would.

Edited January 24, 2011 by MomOfOneFunOne
to soften strong language

[5forMe]

Yes, he is my BFF. I can't imagine my life without him.

[Tap]

I found this pathetic.

 

I do truly understand the need to have some alone time but . . . I don't know. I think its a very sad commentary on their married lives that their husbands "wouldn't dream of coming home" on an afternoon off, that they couldn't imagine their husbands wanting to swing by to see them.

 

sad.

 

 

Careful please! Don't judge my marriage or that of your friends based on you and your dh's personalities.

 

My marriage of almost 20 years is neither 'pathetic' or 'sad' because my husband realizes that a bit of time alone is golden to him. I wouldn't want him to come see me if I was visiting with friends. I will see him when I get home, he doesn't need to come check on me.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

Yeah . . . I thought it was kind of strong and using possibly incindiary language after I thought about it a while. It's still how I feel about those ppl, though.

 

I'm sure your relationship is different but I am talking about a specific event with specific people. I believe I also mentioned that I do, indeed, understand the need for alone time (I love mine!)

 

In the case I was writing about, it was their carrying on and on about Wow and Never and . . . it really was pitiful.

 

I'm not talking about you . . . unless you're one of those women, I guess.;)

 

I love my husband to want to visit with me. Checking on me would be suffocating but love and appreciation isn't that. And yes, if I recall, he did go out after that and I don't even remember where. What I remember is that he popped into visit, see the new house, and left me feeling loved and appreciated. And I remember the response of the women present. eww.

 

I'm glad your relationship is great! I'm sad if it isn't. I dont' know and I'm not talking about generalities or you. I'm speaking of someone specific.

 

I'm sorry I used strong language that was hurtful, though. I'll edit it out.

[jasar31629]

Yes, we most definitely are and have been since we were in high school. It's so different with each situation I believe. Ours has been helped I think by marrying young...most of our younger friends faded and we were fairly out of place with the married people we were around. I would have loved to gain an older close friendship with the women I was around but it just didn't happen. This left us to each other...which we never minded and later came to appreciate. It also helped me to form closer relationships with my own family out of school...we seemed to have drifted through high school and college.

 

We also share much of the same likes, beliefs, etc. and this helps us to share activities and time together in those ways.

 

He had odd hours for jobs in the early part of our marriage and though it was tough at the time we felt, it also made the time together more meaningful...it was in larger bulks over less days. When he started working a 'normal' job, I figured we'd have so much more time but since it was in shorter chunks it felt like life was just whizzing by :glare: He currently is looking for work and is at his side job only so we have more time together again :)

 

We have drifted with each other at times but only for a few weeks. It gets rather painful if it's more and we notice it right away. Things get busy, we get tired and don't spend any quality time together just hanging out or talking, etc. We've done date nights but our favorite things to do are just staying home, having a hot drink and watching a movie, playing the wii/chess/scrabble/cards, looking at funny stuff online, talking and planning, etc. We try to cut out excess activities which seems to not go over well with groups we have been in (co-ops, church, sports...). But I'm pretty protective of our family time- I was a nanny for a couple years and it's exhausting for the whole family when one is involved in too many activities. I really don't know when they all saw or got to know each other...and I very much liked that family!

 

If you are seeking advice, I would say to turn off the computer when your dh is home...spend some time together each night and learn how to relax together. :)