Being Relationally Lazy

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been struggling with something for the past couple of years. I have some dear friends, friends that I've had for years and years. But I've noticed that a certain subset of them are what I can best describe as "relationally lazy". What I mean, is that they make no effort at all in the relationship. All contact is made by me first. When I do call or send an e-mail, they will say "Oh, I've just been thinking about you. . ." or "I was going to call. . ." but they never do.

 

I've started to jettison some of these friends in the past year. One person did not contact me for a year and then sent me a note asking for money (for an endeavor that her child was on, but it was still asking for money). I didn't respond. One lady actually told me in conversation once, "If you move away, don't expect me to write. I'm bad about that!" A couple of people have started to contact me after I stopped doing all the initiating. Now it is a much more healthy give and take relationship. It may take either one of us up to a month to respond, but we do respond and keep the friendship fresh. A couple have morphed into "Christmas card" friends.

 

I'm seeing this in my daughter and her relationships. She's the one who is the initiator. Sometimes too much so, so I've had to gently have her let the others have time to initiate too. I'm seeing however, that some of her "friends" will never initiate back and she's hurt by that.

 

I'm not writing this asking for advice on what to do. I miss these friends but have decided that if I stop initiating and they never ever pick up the relational ball that their "delight" at hearing from me must not have meant much. I'm writing more because I'm wondering if this is a trend? Somehow I remember it being understood when I grew up that relationships took a bit of effort. Not onerous effort but 10 min. here and there to drop them a line or to pick up the phone or to stop by for a cup of coffee. Not on a schedule or anything - just semi frequently so that you really are part of each other's lives in some respect. I don't know if this was because I grew up overseas, though.

[kalanamak]

I am relationally shy, and loathe to bother people or be met with rejection. I ask all people in the world to notice that when you call I am warm and friendly, and get together at a whisper of suggestion, but I won't call you, and won't ask you over until it is clear you really want to come. I'm also acutely aware (having been down that painful route) that I am not Martha Stewart, and there are some very MS-y ladies out there who will not appreciate the antique oriental rug I have that doesn't really fit the room's decor. Those people, who find my house declasse, I'd much rather meet at their house, but bring food or other things to say I am participating in the situation, I just can't be comfortable with long faces over my mother's, my GM's, my GGM's, and my GGGM's "stuff". Sadly, I've seen it too often.

 

If you have an obviously warm and fun time with someone you always have to initiate contact with, I suggest shy, not lazy or aloof, and I'd keep contact.

 

If they seem ho-hum about seeing you, I'd take it they were uninterested. A slightly vague hint about doing something together politely responded to with "I'll have to see" and then never brought up again is far different from "Oh! That sounds LOVEly, I'm free on X and Y, and even Z!"

[Soror]

I don't know but I have some friends like that. Won't call for a year but consider themselves a friend. Of course I think different people have a different need for contact. I have another friend that I am always the I am almost always the one the calls, she seems to enjoy talking, but I wonder if I stopped talking if she would call at all.

[melissel]

I am relationally shy, and loathe to bother people or be met with rejection. I ask all people in the world to notice that when you call I am warm and friendly, and get together at a whisper of suggestion, but I won't call you, and won't ask you over until it is clear you really want to come. I'm also acutely aware (having been down that painful route) that I am not Martha Stewart, and there are some very MS-y ladies out there who will not appreciate the antique oriental rug I have that doesn't really fit the room's decor. Those people, who find my house declasse, I'd much rather meet at their house, but bring food or other things to say I am participating in the situation, I just can't be comfortable with long faces over my mother's, my GM's, my GGM's, and my GGGM's "stuff". Sadly, I've seen it too often.

 

If you have an obviously warm and fun time with someone you always have to initiate contact with, I suggest shy, not lazy or aloof, and I'd keep contact.

 

If they seem ho-hum about seeing you, I'd take it they were uninterested. A slightly vague hint about doing something together politely responded to with "I'll have to see" and then never brought up again is far different from "Oh! That sounds LOVEly, I'm free on X and Y, and even Z!"

 

Wise words. I am similar. Talking on the phone is almost physically painful for me, and I'm so run ragged and overwhelmed by our daily lives that I'm lucky I can manage to talk to my own mom on the phone anymore (and we used to speak several times a week).

 

I do best with just a few good friends, and those friends know that though I love them, I have my hands quite full these days. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to them or see them or send chatty emails--I simply don't have it in me right now. Thankfully, I think they know this and know that my lack of contact does not mean lack of love; it means lack of resources!

 

I think also, for a lot of people, there was more drive to make contact with friends before we were bombarded by so much stimuli in so many forms. I have so many people I MUST communicate with on a daily basis--work, kids' activities, basic shopping and home management, email from all over the place, family dramas, Facebook requests and posts, DH and his need to discuss work and his colleagues, my parents' need for emotional support in their own stuff, being with my own kids 24/7, etc.--I don't have a lot left over for anyone but myself at the end of each week.

 

I think it's fair to let some relationships slide if you feel they're not vital to you and you're not vital to them. I know people have done that to me, and I'm OK with it, because to maintain a relationship was just too much for me. It may seem terrible, but it's simply a fact of my life. Mentally and emotionally, I have all I can handle (and more) right now!

 

I'm sorry you and your DD are struggling with it though :grouphug:

[teachermom2834]

I could be one of your friends that don't call. I can tell you though, that it is very likely that I could like you very much, even love you and still hesitate to initiate contact.

 

I have rejection issues and self confidence issues. You might not know it from meeting me but it takes a long time for me to get comfortable initiating social stuff. I guess I always worry that the other person will roll their eyes and think "why is she calling me again?" or "no I don't want to go have coffee with all her kids running around". I got burned in a very close friendship and I am reserved and hesitant as a result.

 

But, I would be genuinely happy to hear from you and would jump at the chance to talk or get together.

 

I'm not telling you to do anything differently. Each person surely should pull their own weight in friendship. But I just want to let you know that those friends might really love you and they might be very true friends. You aren't wrong to let them go, though, if you want to. I just don't want you to feel like you were being used or that they didn't really like or care about you because that might not be true at all.

[Guest CarolineUK]

I am relationally shy, and loathe to bother people or be met with rejection. I ask all people in the world to notice that when you call I am warm and friendly, and get together at a whisper of suggestion, but I won't call you, and won't ask you over until it is clear you really want to come.

 

Yes, this is me to a 'T' too. I'm sure I've lost friends because of it, friends I love and think about a lot.

 

Whenever my friends call round, I will drop everything for them and spend as long as they want chatting, feeding them, making them cups of tea. If they need anything they know I'll go out of my way to help, no matter what or when. But somehow there's an almost physical resistance in me to initiating contact, even when I haven't seen or spoken to them in a long while. I find e-mailing people easiest, I think because I feel I'm not putting anyone out, they can just read my message and reply to it whenever it's most convenient for them.

 

I envy you your gift of communication Jean, you are such a presence on these boards, with always a well thought-out response for others' concerns. I wonder how much your 'lazy' friends rely on you initiating contact simply because you're so very good at it, and I'm sure you're as important to them and as much loved by them as you are by the people on this board.

[fairytalemama]

I don't know but I have some friends like that. Won't call for a year but consider themselves a friend. Of course I think different people have a different need for contact. I have another friend that I am always the I am almost always the one the calls, she seems to enjoy talking, but I wonder if I stopped talking if she would call at all.

 

I have a friend who is exactly like this. If I didn't call her, chances are she may never call again. I've just decided that if I want to maintain a relationship with her then I just need to accept that this is how she is. I'm finding that as I grow older I don't feel the need to keep up with a ton of relationships. I pick and choose which ones are most important to me and work on cultivating those and making them stronger.

[Mejane]

I'm not afraid of rejection; I'm truly just lazy. I don't want to go to the mall or the movies or the book club, nor do I want to chat on the phone. I'm perfectly happy to keep in touch by email. I truly believe that it's because I pour so much of myself into my kids that there's not much ME left to go around. Even extended family gets the shaft. Friends? Fuggedaboudit.

[Mom-2-7]

Wise words. I am similar. Talking on the phone is almost physically painful for me, and I'm so run ragged and overwhelmed by our daily lives that I'm lucky I can manage to talk to my own mom on the phone anymore (and we used to speak several times a week).

 

I do best with just a few good friends, and those friends know that though I love them, I have my hands quite full these days. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to them or see them or send chatty emails--I simply don't have it in me right now. Thankfully, I think they know this and know that my lack of contact does not mean lack of love; it means lack of resources!

 

I think also, for a lot of people, there was more drive to make contact with friends before we were bombarded by so much stimuli in so many forms. I have so many people I MUST communicate with on a daily basis--work, kids' activities, basic shopping and home management, email from all over the place, family dramas, Facebook requests and posts, DH and his need to discuss work and his colleagues, my parents' need for emotional support in their own stuff, being with my own kids 24/7, etc.--I don't have a lot left over for anyone but myself at the end of each week.

 

I think it's fair to let some relationships slide if you feel they're not vital to you and you're not vital to them. I know people have done that to me, and I'm OK with it, because to maintain a relationship was just too much for me. It may seem terrible, but it's simply a fact of my life. Mentally and emotionally, I have all I can handle (and more) right now!

 

I'm sorry you and your DD are struggling with it though :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:Yes, this is me too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think I've gotten to a place where I'm struggling with my own hurt feelings. If I picked up the phone and heard, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you!", I would struggle not to say "Then why didn't you pick up the d*** phone, then!" - which is not my style at all. Some of these people I fell out of touch with because I was so terribly sick this winter. It wasn't a planned thing. But I'm hurt that not once did they send me a line to ask how I was. And yes, they knew I was sick, maybe not initially but at least by Christmas.

 

I do know that a couple of these ladies are terribly busy but it's not like I'm sitting around eating bon-bons myself. And again, I hear the hurt "talking" as I type this out.

 

I've known these ladies for a minimum of 20 years. They aren't new relationships where I would think that they might be more shy around me.

[melissel]

I think I've gotten to a place where I'm struggling with my own hurt feelings. If I picked up the phone and heard, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you!", I would struggle not to say "Then why didn't you pick up the d*** phone, then!" - which is not my style at all. Some of these people I fell out of touch with because I was so terribly sick this winter. It wasn't a planned thing. But I'm hurt that not once did they send me a line to ask how I was. And yes, they knew I was sick, maybe not initially but at least by Christmas.

 

I do know that a couple of these ladies are terribly busy but it's not like I'm sitting around eating bon-bons myself. And again, I hear the hurt "talking" as I type this out.

 

I've known these ladies for a minimum of 20 years. They aren't new relationships where I would think that they might be more shy around me.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry, Jean, I do hear that you're hurting. I wish I knew what to say or how to explain it. I think this is just a difference in people--maybe it's an introvert/extrovert thing? Or maybe there's more to it than that. I really don't know.

 

My DH is like you--he's a reach-out-and-touch-someone kind of person; he's on the phone constantly, in every spare moment. He has hundreds of friends on Facebook and is always happy to reconnect with people he hasn't seen or heard from in months or even years. I'm not like that.

 

Here's a good example: I have two friends with whom I went through a lot. They were two of my best friends many years ago. Since then, I've lost touch with them. I think of them almost every single day. I miss them, I wish them well, I wish I was able to get back in touch with them. I know they're both on Facebook. I could easily contact them, and if one of them called here, I'd be happy to hear from them. But...I cannot bring myself to contact them right now. I just can't add to what I already have on my plate emotionally. I can't explain it, I guess. I can only describe it. Maybe someone else can explain why this is?

 

I wonder if part of it is guilt too. I know that if I contact these friends, I'll have to face my guilt and the emotional consequences for letting the relationship slide, and I can't deal with that right now. Maybe your friends know they owed you some support during your illness? Maybe they intended to call and didn't find the time, and then so much time passed that they felt like jerks for not calling, and they put up that emotional block? I really don't know. I'm just sharing what some of my own thought processes are in the hope that they'll help you in some way.

 

IMO, most people are doing the best they can. In the end, you have to decide whether that's good enough for you. If you need more from a friend and you're not getting it, then it's fair to let that friend go, I think.

[MeaganS]

I moved a lot when I was a kid. I'm also more of an introvert than not. Because of this, I really only want a few close friends at any given time. I don't really bother with more friends because I'm content mostly on my own. If I get along with other people, and they invite me over, I will happily go to their house or do an activity with them. It doesn't mean that I am going to go to great lengths to keep that relationship alive, though. I just don't have enough time or emotional energy to do so.

 

I really don't think it's a new trend, though. I think it really depends on the personalities of the people involved.

[kalanamak]

But I'm hurt that not once did they send me a line to ask how I was. And yes, they knew I was sick, maybe not initially but at least by Christmas.

 

 

I would be, too. I am usually turned down, but when I know someone is sick, I ask if there is anything they need.

 

I hate to say it, but they are not the friends you hope they are. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I tend to not be an initiator. Most of my lifelong friends are the same way, believe it or not. But when one of us does get in touch, we can talk like we had never been out of touch. Since there are a bunch of us this way, I'd say it is a personality thing. These women all live at a distance from me now.

 

Locally, my friends are the initiators. I tell them that I appreciate it. What happens to me is that I never think to put socializing on my calendar. I work part time as well as homeschool and am busy all the time. When I have a break, I tend to curl up and read or something. Yet I enjoy being with my friends and am happy when one initiates.

 

Also, I don't like a lot of activities that other women seem to like. I am not a "girls' night out" woman. There is a lot of "girl talk" that I do not relate to *at all.* I can't stand to shop. I got a manicure before my prom in high school on my mother's insistance and have never had another one. I would not enjoy a spa day. I like to hike with friends, though, and have a few who like that too.

 

So my lack of initiation has nothing to do with how much I like someone. I can love/like someone very much and not initiate except once in a blue moon.

Edited January 22, 2011 by Laurie4b

[Peela]

I am relationally shy, and loathe to bother people or be met with rejection. I ask all people in the world to notice that when you call I am warm and friendly, and get together at a whisper of suggestion, but I won't call you, and won't ask you over until it is clear you really want to come.

 

 

I am like this too.

However, I do not see many people because of it, and I would like to change that, so I am looking at learning to initiate more.

However some of my friends are worse than me and I get tired of being the initiator too. So I guess i know both sides of the story.

I have been so busy and unavailable for years because of homeschooling, I think many of my friends gave up on me. I couldnt just go out for coffee on a whim.

However one of my girlfriends confronted me on this issue- said she always felt she was the one calling...and it did shake me up a bit so that i wasnt so passive in our friendship.

 

Maybe its worth actually saying something, Jean, if its hurting you and also if you are going to let go of the friendships anyway? You have nothing to lose really.

 

However...I do think the busyness of our lives has a large part to play in it. Everyone is so busy and when we get some time to sit and breathe, we often just want to sit and breathe rather than phone people. I think it IS common nowadays.

 

I am terrible on the phone. I do not like making phone calls. But I keep contact with many people through emails and Facebook and sending them jokes and informaiton I think they will be interested in. I do enjoy it because we keep up with each other's lives so that when we do catch up IRL, we feel we havent lost contact completely and we have a sense of what is goign on in each other's lives.

[texasmama]

I am relationally shy, and loathe to bother people or be met with rejection. I ask all people in the world to notice that when you call I am warm and friendly, and get together at a whisper of suggestion, but I won't call you, and won't ask you over until it is clear you really want to come. I'm also acutely aware (having been down that painful route) that I am not Martha Stewart, and there are some very MS-y ladies out there who will not appreciate the antique oriental rug I have that doesn't really fit the room's decor. Those people, who find my house declasse, I'd much rather meet at their house, but bring food or other things to say I am participating in the situation, I just can't be comfortable with long faces over my mother's, my GM's, my GGM's, and my GGGM's "stuff". Sadly, I've seen it too often.

 

If you have an obviously warm and fun time with someone you always have to initiate contact with, I suggest shy, not lazy or aloof, and I'd keep contact.

 

If they seem ho-hum about seeing you, I'd take it they were uninterested. A slightly vague hint about doing something together politely responded to with "I'll have to see" and then never brought up again is far different from "Oh! That sounds LOVEly, I'm free on X and Y, and even Z!"

 

:grouphug: I'd love to spend time with you, regardless of your rug.:D I probably have a similar rug...and no window treatments even though we've lived here for over ten years.

 

Jean, I might be described as one of those people who seem to not care because I am not good at reaching out. Mostly, I am just so busy...and then when I get a minute, I am so tired...so it is easier to hop on here than to call a friend. I have many wonderful friends with whom I have lost contact because of our busy schedules. It makes me sad. But if they need me and call me, I am there. :001_smile: Don't give up on us folks.

[Alicia64]

I totally get the "rug" concern. I have Martha Stewart friends too and . . . well, it's awkward having them over when I'm so not Martha.

 

I know what Jean is talking about. I have friends that I do a lot of initiating. I've started noticing that the lack of connection is different for each of them. One woman really is an introvert w/ depression issues and a difficult marriage.

 

Another woman clearly has issues w/ perfectionism (constantly cleans house, not a hair out of place on her head or daughters') and a large family -- so I think she gets her emotional needs met through her sisters.

 

Another friend is just super connected to her mom and works out like crazy every day. So working out like she does leaves little time for friends. Then when we do get together she breaks out the Martha Stewart scene. It's frustrating b/c I often just want to sit over coffee and talk and she bustles around putting on a major meal.

 

We moved and I'm making a real effort to carefully choose friends -- ones who have an interest in friendship and time. And, I'll admit, I'm avoiding the Martha Stewart types.

 

Alley

[KnitWit]

Jean, I just want you to know that I completely understand your feelings.

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I can relate to what many of you ladies are describing. I'm busy too. I think e-mail is the easiest because I can shoot off an e-mail when I think of it - even if it is midnight. Of course I couldn't do that by phone. But I tend to multi-task. I will pick up the phone and call someone while I'm preparing dinner. I can't talk long but I'm checking in. I find myself dragging my feet at writing an actual note but I timed myself at Christmas time when I had to write some thank-you notes. It took me only 10 min. to dash a short note, to address the envelope, stick a stamp on it and to put it out in my mailbox. Getting together with someone is harder. I have a friend who has been asking to get together for over a month. She just told me this week, "I know you're really busy but I hope I can see you." My reply was "I am super busy but I'm going to make the time because you're worth it to me." So I understand the busyness but don't understand it as an excuse. (This isn't directed to any of you personally!)

 

Despite my reputation on the board, I'm not a huge extrovert! I'm an introvert who is probably more in the middle of the spectrum. I get butterflies and sweaty palms when calling someone for the first time. But my values lean toward valuing friendship and reaching out to people - enough to get out of my comfort zone to do so. Part of my problem is that being honest about emotions like hurt feelings is MAJORLY out of my comfort zone! To the point where I'm almost willing to sacrifice over 20 years of friendship because I don't want to be that transparent. But - yet I waffle - because I do miss these ladies and do value the friendship that we've had.

[jplain]

Jean, :grouphug:

 

I'm relationally lazy. It isn't because I'm busy. It's just a personality thing. However, I'm always happy to get together when a friend suggests it.

If a friend told me that it hurt her feelings that I wasn't more of an initiator, I'd do my best to change my way of relating to her.

I'd probably also try to explain that my lack of initiating has nothing to do with how much I value the friendship; it's just a facet of my temperament.

[Jean in Newcastle]

OK - I called one lady. She did not express any surprise at how much time had passed, so I said nothing either. We just exchanged news of what has transpired in the last 6 months. I'm glad that I did it.

[Heather in Neverland]

I might be considered relationally lazy but honestly I'm not. There are just so many hours in a day, you know? I work, homeschool, go to grad school, take care of my family, go to church, etc. etc.etc. I just don't have much time to chat on the phone or go shopping with friends. I love to do it when we each have time but it just doesn't happen often.

 

Luckily my friends are the same way and are totally OK with it. We may go a couple of months without talking but then one of us just picks up the phone and it's like not a moment has passed...we just pick up right where we left off.

 

I appreciate low-maintenance, low-pressure friends. I had one friend who would spend the first 15 minutes of every conversation giving me a guilt trip about why haven't I called, where have I been, etc etc etc. It's not like I intentionally avoided talking to her I am just up to my eyeballs in LIFE.

 

I don't put any expectations on my friends to call or see me and they don't put any on me and when we do call or see each other it is great every time because we both appreciate that the other one is busy and getting to hang out is a treat for us.

[Denisemomof4]

I read this earlier and it made me sad. I never used to be relationally lazy but I am now. I just am. I love my time alone, I love to be home, etc. I love my friends, too, and I do keep in touch with them, but not at the level I once did. I sure hope I haven't hurt their feelings.

 

Jean, I'm sorry your dd is going through this. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is watching your kid sad or suffer, especially due to other people. I hope your dd will find true, reciprocal friendships.:grouphug::grouphug:

[Denisemomof4]

I'm not afraid of rejection; I'm truly just lazy. I don't want to go to the mall or the movies or the book club, nor do I want to chat on the phone. I'm perfectly happy to keep in touch by email. I truly believe that it's because I pour so much of myself into my kids that there's not much ME left to go around. Even extended family gets the shaft. Friends? Fuggedaboudit.

 

this makes sense to me. I've been homeschooling SO long, and I've been taking care of my family, and taking care of extended family, etc. and I'm just burnt out and enjoying a quiet and peaceful life. I do text and talk on the phone but one of my closest friends and I don't get together as much as we once did. Both my close friends nearby (I have VERY close friends out of state) and I don't see each other as much. I'm just not wanting to catch up at night anymore. I want to put on my pj's and crash. I recently did see one of my closest friends in state and was SO sad to hear all she had been suffering through. I felt like I failed her and asked her to please call me ANYtime she needed a shoulder to lean on.

 

Sometimes when you don't hear from someone, there's a reason. But if it's long standing with that person, then I'd say that you have to decided whether or not you want to keep things going. In my older years I'm ALL about RECIPROCAL relationships. I used to be the one to give and give and give and give but I'm tired and need to think about me. And I don't feel I'm being selfish AT ALL. ;)

[Denisemomof4]

I think I've gotten to a place where I'm struggling with my own hurt feelings. If I picked up the phone and heard, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you!", I would struggle not to say "Then why didn't you pick up the d*** phone, then!" - which is not my style at all. Some of these people I fell out of touch with because I was so terribly sick this winter. It wasn't a planned thing. But I'm hurt that not once did they send me a line to ask how I was. And yes, they knew I was sick, maybe not initially but at least by Christmas.

 

I do know that a couple of these ladies are terribly busy but it's not like I'm sitting around eating bon-bons myself. And again, I hear the hurt "talking" as I type this out.

 

I've known these ladies for a minimum of 20 years. They aren't new relationships where I would think that they might be more shy around me.

 

My feelings would be VERY hurt if I were you, Jean. I'm sorry your friends aren't more considerate, especially when you're such a dear, sweet soul.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I read this earlier and it made me sad. I never used to be relationally lazy but I am now. I just am. I love my time alone, I love to be home, etc. I love my friends, too, and I do keep in touch with them, but not at the level I once did. I sure hope I haven't hurt their feelings.

 

Jean, I'm sorry your dd is going through this. One of the hardest parts of being a parent is watching your kid sad or suffer, especially due to other people. I hope your dd will find true, reciprocal friendships.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Denise, by your definition I would be relationally lazy too! I'm not talking about calling once a day or once a week or even once a month. I'm am talking about calling at least a couple of times a year (once a quarter would be perfect!:D). And I do try to call around times that I know are important to them - when a child of theirs is in the hospital, when I know they've interviewed for a job, etc. You know - enough to keep up on the significant things in each other's lives. We all have multiple friends in common so we do hear about when these events hit each other. I try to reach out to them when I hear of things. I guess I sort of expected that they would do the same.

[eternalknot]

I think I've gotten to a place where I'm struggling with my own hurt feelings. If I picked up the phone and heard, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you!", I would struggle not to say "Then why didn't you pick up the d*** phone, then!" - which is not my style at all.

 

 

This happened to me. I got called out by a lifelong friend (25 years!) in a heat of the moment type of situation very similar to what you describe. It was very unlike her, but that's what made me step up and pay attention. She said it in a mean tone of voice, but the hurt was obvious - and knowing her as well as I did, I knew she was coming from a place of hurt and not a place of keeping score just for the sake of keeping score.

 

I know we're all busy, so that's not an excuse even though it's often true. I'm very much an out-of-sight, out-of-mind type of person. My house and life are kind of chaotic in large part due to this. I had to set reminders on my calendar to call her. Then it became habit - I do much better with a regularly scheduled thing, whether it's every Friday or every last Friday of the month or every season change. I know that it hurt her feelings to know she was penciled in on my calendar to call (rather than it coming intuitively) but she also knew ME well enough to know that it wasn't about her at all. My poor communication skills were a reflection of ME and not about her or my feelings on our relationship. That lessened the sting a bit, I think. Feelings are what they are, though.

 

Some of these people I fell out of touch with because I was so terribly sick this winter. It wasn't a planned thing. But I'm hurt that not once did they send me a line to ask how I was. And yes, they knew I was sick, maybe not initially but at least by Christmas.

 

My cousin and my sister-in-law both have cancer. My aunt has chronic fatigue. I'm always wondering how they are and several times a day they each pop into my thoughts. I just know how tired they get of the question "how are you?" from people, and I hate to be another one adding to their stress. Or maybe it's a 'bad' day and they don't want to be reminded of how sick they are. If they didn't know me, they'd think I didn't care. On the contrary, I care so much I'm trying to not be a bother - particularly when they're unwell. That's one of those things that just has to be discussed, though, you know? If my way isn't a way that resonates with them (as far as feeling I'm able to meet their needs), I need to know that. I need to know before I can change it. True friends will understand you stepping out of character to address what you need from the relationship. And you'll all work through the hurts.

[Sahamamama]

Jean, here's an empathy hug. :grouphug: I have a similar situation, except that I don't feel as though I have many true friends. And I'm 95% okay with that.

 

Your situation reminded me of two of my own friends, we'll call them Lena and Monica. ;) Lena is older than I am, in fact, she babysat my sister the day I was born (44 years ago)! We used to be near neighbors, and attended the same church for years. She was in our wedding, and we were close for year and years.

 

But things have changed. Her children are married and moved away, while my three children are still very young. I don't live in that neighborhood and I don't attend that church. My husband works weird hours, I have three small children who tie me down, and we just don't connect like we did before. For a while I was the initiator -- calling, stopping by, emailing -- but I just stopped, because it was a One-Way Street. KWIM?

 

When we do "bump into each other," she's usually very happy to see me, gives me a hug, asks about hubby and the girls, we chat and get as caught up as time allows..... and that's it for another six to eight months.

 

Sigh.

 

My other friend, Monica, was disabled many years ago in a car crash. She and I became friends when I was single and had loads of time to visit her often. She never leaves her house. She has no children (lots of little animals, though). Her house is never clean (what I mean is, it's impossible for her to clean it, her husband is too busy to do it, and it's WAY too filthy and crowded for me to visit there with three kids in tow). It has gotten harder and harder for me to carve out the time to get over to that town, visit for several hours, and devote an ENTIRE day to that one relationship. It also means my husband has to devote his ENTIRE day to caring for the house and the girls, always on a Saturday -- which is our "catch up" day.

 

So, to maintain the friendship I have tried email, letters, and phone calls. I might write a long, deep letter to Monica. She'll email me to say what she watched on TV, what she ate for supper, and so on.... I don't know, this sounds like I'm shallow, I know. But she KNOWS I don't have -- have NEVER had -- a television, and yet she'll ask me in every email, "Did you see American Idol on __________?" and so on. It feels like the relationship, which was once deeper when it was face-to-face, has become shallow. From this distance, in this way, it cannot be properly maintained. But I honestly don't have repeated Saturdays to give to it. I really don't. And I know that it will never be a relationship of true reciprocity. Monica can't come to see us, can't ever go "out" with me anywhere... I do miss her, though. She has a broken body, but a very, very big (and good) heart. And she has insight and wisdom, and I miss being near her.

 

Sigh. We have talked about this openly on the phone, in fact. She knows that I do want to be freer to visit. She also says, "Well, I prayed for you to get that husband and those children, and now you have them! Life will not always be set up this way. We'll be friends through every season... it's just different in this season than it was in the last."

 

I suppose life changes, Jean. Perhaps some friendships will go, some forever, some for a season. Perhaps new friends will come along.

 

Balance it, as much as you can: Be guarded, but be open. HTH.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

I suppose life changes, Jean. Perhaps some friendships will go, some forever, some for a season. Perhaps new friends will come along.

.

 

Oh, I know. When I called one of the ladies today - it was nice and I truly am glad that I got an update of their lives but I realized that we don't have as much in common as we once did. Mainly because the entire time was spent giving a catalog of what had happened over 6 months. Our conversations in the past had been about ideas and books and stuff like that. It wasn't like that anymore. . .

[justamouse]

Wise words. I am similar. Talking on the phone is almost physically painful for me, and I'm so run ragged and overwhelmed by our daily lives that I'm lucky I can manage to talk to my own mom on the phone anymore (and we used to speak several times a week).

 

I do best with just a few good friends, and those friends know that though I love them, I have my hands quite full these days. It doesn't mean I don't want to talk to them or see them or send chatty emails--I simply don't have it in me right now. Thankfully, I think they know this and know that my lack of contact does not mean lack of love; it means lack of resources!

 

I think also, for a lot of people, there was more drive to make contact with friends before we were bombarded by so much stimuli in so many forms. I have so many people I MUST communicate with on a daily basis--work, kids' activities, basic shopping and home management, email from all over the place, family dramas, Facebook requests and posts, DH and his need to discuss work and his colleagues, my parents' need for emotional support in their own stuff, being with my own kids 24/7, etc.--I don't have a lot left over for anyone but myself at the end of each week.

 

I think it's fair to let some relationships slide if you feel they're not vital to you and you're not vital to them. I know people have done that to me, and I'm OK with it, because to maintain a relationship was just too much for me. It may seem terrible, but it's simply a fact of my life. Mentally and emotionally, I have all I can handle (and more) right now!

 

I'm sorry you and your DD are struggling with it though :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I could have written that post myself.

[Rosie_0801]

I think I've gotten to a place where I'm struggling with my own hurt feelings. If I picked up the phone and heard, "Oh, I've been meaning to call you!", I would struggle not to say "Then why didn't you pick up the d*** phone, then!" - which is not my style at all.

 

What do you think their reasons would be?

 

 

I was just commenting to Ibbygirl the other day that everyone seems to be so busy that the only friends who can fit into schedules are email buddies from other time zones.

 

Rosie

[justamouse]

But she KNOWS I don't have -- have NEVER had -- a television, and yet she'll ask me in every email, "Did you see American Idol on __________?" and so on. It feels like the relationship, which was once deeper when it was face-to-face, has become shallow.

 

But see, I see this as her reaching out to you with what is the center of HER life, now. You're sharing, and she's sharing, too, but because you don't value the same thing doesn't mean she isn't trying. You may want to ask her what she liked about the show -it may be a conflict that resonated with her that she would like to talk deeply about.

[Denisemomof4]

Denise, by your definition I would be relationally lazy too! I'm not talking about calling once a day or once a week or even once a month. I'm am talking about calling at least a couple of times a year (once a quarter would be perfect!:D). And I do try to call around times that I know are important to them - when a child of theirs is in the hospital, when I know they've interviewed for a job, etc. You know - enough to keep up on the significant things in each other's lives. We all have multiple friends in common so we do hear about when these events hit each other. I try to reach out to them when I hear of things. I guess I sort of expected that they would do the same.

 

you deserve the same. I'm sad with and for you. :sad:

[Denisemomof4]

Jean, here's an empathy hug. :grouphug: I have a similar situation, except that I don't feel as though I have many true friends. And I'm 95% okay with that.

 

Your situation reminded me of two of my own friends, we'll call them Lena and Monica. ;) Lena is older than I am, in fact, she babysat my sister the day I was born (44 years ago)! We used to be near neighbors, and attended the same church for years. She was in our wedding, and we were close for year and years.

 

But things have changed. Her children are married and moved away, while my three children are still very young. I don't live in that neighborhood and I don't attend that church. My husband works weird hours, I have three small children who tie me down, and we just don't connect like we did before. For a while I was the initiator -- calling, stopping by, emailing -- but I just stopped, because it was a One-Way Street. KWIM?

 

When we do "bump into each other," she's usually very happy to see me, gives me a hug, asks about hubby and the girls, we chat and get as caught up as time allows..... and that's it for another six to eight months.

 

Sigh.

 

My other friend, Monica, was disabled many years ago in a car crash. She and I became friends when I was single and had loads of time to visit her often. She never leaves her house. She has no children (lots of little animals, though). Her house is never clean (what I mean is, it's impossible for her to clean it, her husband is too busy to do it, and it's WAY too filthy and crowded for me to visit there with three kids in tow). It has gotten harder and harder for me to carve out the time to get over to that town, visit for several hours, and devote an ENTIRE day to that one relationship. It also means my husband has to devote his ENTIRE day to caring for the house and the girls, always on a Saturday -- which is our "catch up" day.

 

So, to maintain the friendship I have tried email, letters, and phone calls. I might write a long, deep letter to Monica. She'll email me to say what she watched on TV, what she ate for supper, and so on.... I don't know, this sounds like I'm shallow, I know. But she KNOWS I don't have -- have NEVER had -- a television, and yet she'll ask me in every email, "Did you see American Idol on __________?" and so on. It feels like the relationship, which was once deeper when it was face-to-face, has become shallow. From this distance, in this way, it cannot be properly maintained. But I honestly don't have repeated Saturdays to give to it. I really don't. And I know that it will never be a relationship of true reciprocity. Monica can't come to see us, can't ever go "out" with me anywhere... I do miss her, though. She has a broken body, but a very, very big (and good) heart. And she has insight and wisdom, and I miss being near her.

 

Sigh. We have talked about this openly on the phone, in fact. She knows that I do want to be freer to visit. She also says, "Well, I prayed for you to get that husband and those children, and now you have them! Life will not always be set up this way. We'll be friends through every season... it's just different in this season than it was in the last."

I suppose life changes, Jean. Perhaps some friendships will go, some forever, some for a season. Perhaps new friends will come along.

 

Balance it, as much as you can: Be guarded, but be open. HTH.

 

wow! What a SPECIAL friend!