Jump to content

Menu

If One Is Invited To A Playdate Then All Must Attend?


Recommended Posts

There are three sisters (10 yo) in our community who are triplets.

If one of the sisters is invited for a playdate to a friend's house, the mother is insistent all three girls attend the playdate or no one can attend.

The mother has even gone as far as to insist the brother (who is 6 yo) attend the playdates as well.

Does anyone else besides myself see anything wrong with this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If my kids are going to a friend's home, they are individual people and are treated as such.

 

IF a guest comes to my home, we may instituted different rules about who is included based on a case by case situation.

 

I can see the mother trying to make everything fair for the triplets (I don't agree but do understand-I don't have multiples), but including the son is over the top for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have twins, and while they currently have all their friends in common, I wouldn't insist that both come if only one were invited; still less would I insist that ALL my dc be allowed to come. That's just silly. I have a friend with daughters relatively close in age, but not in interests, who often insists that the younger come along to all things to which the elder is invited; this causes resentment in both the elder daughter and her friends--I try never to do this, tho' my boys are in a similar situation. If only 1 is invited, only 1 goes. :001_smile:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can understand that if children are going to her house for a play date, than they must understand that other siblings are there and no one will be left out. However, to insist that you have all of her children when you only invite one....well, she's asking for no play date invitations at all. People amaze me...sheesh.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can understand why a mom would want all three triplets going to a playdate..but not the 6yo brother. That's just me though.

 

As a child I would gloat over playdates and make my siblings jealous. Or I would get jealous of their playdates. My parents' solution was that, more often than not, we didn't get to go on playdates. It was one way of dealing with jealousy issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it is rude to insert extra people into an invitation. Sometimes I will ask if a certain child may also be included, but I am gracious if the answer is no. It can also be overwhelming to have more than one extra child over to play. I have swapped kids with mom friends so that all dc get to play, but one mom doesn't end up with a bunch of extra kids.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's up to you to accept them as they are or find other friends.

 

For a basic play date, I usually invite a whole family. In my circle of friends, the moms usually use play dates as a time to for the moms to enjoy time together too. On rare occasions, I invite only one or two of the kids. For my son's recent birthday, the whole family was invited but only one of the boys was invited to spend the night. For my daughter's recent birthday, I invited only the girls from two families. We were doing girly activities that weren't appropriate for the boys, and I needed to keep the expense of those activities down.

 

Most invitations we receive are whole family ones but when a single child invite comes along, I use it as a chance to spend special time with the kid(s) left home. They don't feel as bad when they have something special to do also.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've got trips, one is a girl and two boys. The girl does her own thing, but if only one of my boys were invited somewhere, they'd think it was weird if the other wasn't invited.

 

BTW, I invite all kids from a family....but then again, I invite very few families.

 

:iagree: We have friends with twins and I would not even think about inviting one without the other. My girls are friends with both of them and I cannot imagine singling one out over the other. That just seems strange to me.

 

I am with Remudamom - I invite people as families. We never did the playdate thing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I suspect that it won't be long before she has no playdate invitations at all.

 

I don't think so. A lot of people do things as families. I would venture to say that almost all of the families I know do things this way. It is quite common in my neck of the woods.

 

ETA: Though I do think it is rude the way the mom is going about it.

Edited by Kate CA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes we have mom + kids playdates where moms chat and kids play. Usually it is just one friend. It is no longer a playdate if a mom inserts all of her kids into a playdate invitation so that she can get a break. That is babysitting.

 

We homeschool, so my kids are with each other all day, every day. I think it is good for them to have their own solo activities sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't think so. A lot of people do things as families. I would venture to say that almost all of the families I know do things this way. It is quite common in my neck of the woods.

 

:iagree:

 

Our goal was "matched" families, with the same number of kids, the same ages. It worked often. And, of course, it was a playdate for mom too.

 

By themselves, the younger brother is a bit much but inviting one of the triplets and not the others is like announcing a birthday invitation to the whole class but only inviting half of them.

 

BTW, I'm a twin and we almost always went everywhere together til college.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm going to answer as a mom of multiples. When your multiples are the same gender it is difficult. I had a kid in the neigborhood who wanted to be friends with one twin, but not the other. I wouldn't have it. You will not divide my kiddos against each other. Especially, when there is that special bond.

 

Now, if one twin is in chess club and the other in soccer and twin A's chess club friend (who is not a friend of twin B) invites him over, I don't make both go.

 

But if it's a neighborhood, church, or other friend in common...then yes, it's both or none.

 

This does not go for older or younger siblings.

 

Just a bit of warning...if you haven't had multiples the bond can be hard to understand. Wounds and betrayals, go deeper...than in normal sibling relationships.

 

There's no age or gender buffer. It's never an issue of "I don't like to be around your younger sister...she's babyish." Or, "I don't want to play with your brother, I want to play ponies."

 

It's an issue of, "I don't like you." Or, "I like them better." Again, perfectly acceptable in different situations, but very difficult with multiples that are identical (or very similar).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes we have mom + kids playdates where moms chat and kids play. Usually it is just one friend. It is no longer a playdate if a mom inserts all of her kids into a playdate invitation so that she can get a break. That is babysitting.

 

We homeschool, so my kids are with each other all day, every day. I think it is good for them to have their own solo activities sometimes.

:iagree:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

:iagree: We have friends with twins and I would not even think about inviting one without the other. My girls are friends with both of them and I cannot imagine singling one out over the other. That just seems strange to me.

 

I am with Remudamom - I invite people as families. We never did the playdate thing.

 

My girls are not twins but have the same friends. We, however, don't do playdates. They see their friends enough otherwise and I think it is more important for them to build their family relationship with each other. The day will come when that will change when Sweet Pea enters school but for now, this is the way we do it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it would depend on the ages. When they're younger, I would make sure to invite all the girls. I wouldn't even care if the little brother came, but I wouldn't expect the girls to have to play with him - if it was a playdate especially for the girls. When they're older (teen years), I let them decide for themselves who they want to invite over.

 

But.... I have twins. Truly, if one twin were invited to go somewhere and the other wasn't, I don't think either would even want to go. There is a very strong bond; where one goes, the other follows. Now, I don't expect this to always last to this extent (thinking boyfriends and such) but for right now, they are best friends to each other. One just wouldn't let the other be left out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Does anyone else besides myself see anything wrong with this?

 

Everyone has the choice of all or none. I think the mother knows that none is a result. Maybe she does not value playdates at all. Or maybe she just does not have time to create 'playdate parity' between her 4 if they accepted individual requests.

 

I definitely see nothing rude in any of this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband has twin cousins and their mother has always told them they are individuals, not a pair. She said it was startling when they started getting invites alone, but she told the one who was left out that that's just the way it is. I did the same with my girls. Having two so close together, they tend to be involved in most of the same things, and get along well with each others friends. They are always upset when one gets invited to something, but I would never tell anyone that they needed to include my other child. That's just rude.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband has twin cousins and their mother has always told them they are individuals, not a pair. She said it was startling when they started getting invites alone, but she told the one who was left out that that's just the way it is. I did the same with my girls. Having two so close together, they tend to be involved in most of the same things, and get along well with each others friends. They are always upset when one gets invited to something, but I would never tell anyone that they needed to include my other child. That's just rude.

 

I would certainly never tell anyone that they must include my other child. I do agree that is rude. However, at this point, if one were invited and the other not, I would likely decline the invitation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have 6 year old boy, boy, girl triplets and I love when they have the opportunity to go somewhere on their own and be individuals, but I'm always thankful when someone is brave enough to take on the trio! They have an older sister and I'd never expect someone to take all of them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

By middle school at least my sisters (identical twins) had different friends. They were in different classes in school and for part of a school year even different grades (because of transition between private/public school and being held back at different times). They weren't expected to share their friends the way they did their socks. By high school they definitely had different, if somewhat overlapping, social circles; sometimes this caused some grief between them, but it also gave them opportunity to grow into their own people.

 

If I had multiples, especially as homeschoolers I'd want them to have a chance at independent activities--I might even put them in different days of the enrichment program DD is in, so they could also have some one-on-one time with me and other sibs (the weekly program doesn't have multiple classrooms for one day of the grade for K-2, so it would be the only way to separate them at the program). They might get to alternate spending a weekend with the grandparents (though not always, sometimes those weekends are for mom and dad getting a break:tongue_smilie:).

 

As for the OP, if it was friends of my DD and she got on with all of them, I'd talk to the mom about setting up a rotating weekly playdate to give each of the triplets a chance at a 1-on-1 playdate with my DD. Something like, "Well, we like to go to the zoo but we can only get 1 additional child in, could we take A this week, B next week, and C the week after that?" That way it's fair to the triplets as they get equal time with their friend, and you can be not overwhelmed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For some mothers, playdates are all about a break for them rather than an enriching or fun time for their children. Just sayin'...

 

This.

 

I suspect that it won't be long before she has no playdate invitations at all.

 

And this.

 

Both my kids had a twin as best friend at one point (what are the odds?). Both moms insisted that their twins be treated as individuals. We were never expected to entertain the twin. They had their own friends.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would never insist a multiple had to come. If the person in question knew my boys were twins (vs. knowing just one of mine through scouts for example) I would think it strange to exclude a multiple in a playdate invitation when the child hosting knows the twin/triplets. I would think that would be painful--sort of like rejection for the one left out? I might decline the invite. That said, one of mine usually goes on his own to things because the other has health issues. Still, we've never had a single kid only invite. I could see things changing as kids get older and do more "on their own" activities with people who may not even know the other twin.

Edited by sbgrace
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would not allow one to be invited by a common friend and not both. I would think that had potential to build hurt and rivalry between my twins and no friend is important enough for me to let that start happening.

 

As they have gotten older, they have separate activities and some separate friends. They have friends who probably don't even know they are twins, and they do separate things all the time. No problem.

 

But I still would be surprised by a neighborhood friend inviting one down and not the other.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

By middle school at least my sisters (identical twins) had different friends. They were in different classes in school and for part of a school year even different grades (because of transition between private/public school and being held back at different times). They weren't expected to share their friends the way they did their socks. By high school they definitely had different, if somewhat overlapping, social circles; sometimes this caused some grief between them, but it also gave them opportunity to grow into their own people.

 

If I had multiples, especially as homeschoolers I'd want them to have a chance at independent activities--I might even put them in different days of the enrichment program DD is in, so they could also have some one-on-one time with me and other sibs (the weekly program doesn't have multiple classrooms for one day of the grade for K-2, so it would be the only way to separate them at the program). They might get to alternate spending a weekend with the grandparents (though not always, sometimes those weekends are for mom and dad getting a break:tongue_smilie:).

 

As for the OP, if it was friends of my DD and she got on with all of them, I'd talk to the mom about setting up a rotating weekly playdate to give each of the triplets a chance at a 1-on-1 playdate with my DD. Something like, "Well, we like to go to the zoo but we can only get 1 additional child in, could we take A this week, B next week, and C the week after that?" That way it's fair to the triplets as they get equal time with their friend, and you can be not overwhelmed.

 

I agree with this around the age of middle school. The girls in question are 10 something that needs to be considered. (i'm not really esponding to you personally ;), more to the general responder as these girls are not in middle school yet.)

 

There is a time for them to be treated and encouraged to grow as individuals. There is also a time to allow their unique bonds to strengthen. We really do not know where these particular girls are at. The could be mature for 10 or young...it makes a big difference.

 

I do not begrudge my children's individualism at all!!! Strongly encourage it in fact. But with girls and friends it gets messy fast. Truthfully only "I" the parent know where my multiples are at.

 

Now if we were talking about highschoolers I might think this mother had some serious issues! ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes we have mom + kids playdates where moms chat and kids play. Usually it is just one friend. It is no longer a playdate if a mom inserts all of her kids into a playdate invitation so that she can get a break. That is babysitting.

 

But it isn't babysitting when the whole families are together. I am not in charge of someone else's family when the parents are at my house. I wasn't suggesting what you stated. (You might not have directed this post to me. It is directly under mine so I am responding. :) )

 

We homeschool, so my kids are with each other all day, every day. I think it is good for them to have their own solo activities sometimes.

 

I wasn't suggesting that children never have alone time, as my two oldest do go and do things with other older children in their homes without me or my younger ones with them. However, they are older and I expect that when they are in their teens. (We still wouldn't ask to separate their twin friends though! I find that really kind of odd.) They also attend an older-kid only Bible study. I don't have any issue with that, but these kinds of "playdates" where there is one young child going to do something and the others are not--we just didn't do that or see any value in it when my children were all little. Even now that my oldest are 16 and almost 14, we still do most of our socializing as family groups and frankly, everyone enjoys it.

 

To each his own!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is a time for them to be treated and encouraged to grow as individuals. ;)

The parents do not see their children as separate individuals, but view them as one person.

They attend a community program where they are viewed as individuals and treated as such. Within the program they were all placed in separate small groups. The mother was not at all happy with the arrangements, as she wanted all three to be in the same small group. Which is not fair to the leadership because the children together are a handful due to lack of discipline in the home setting.

Dd and I are both only children, so we think the way the triplets/brother are treated bytheir parents is strange.

Edited by kalphs
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The parents do not see their children as separate individuals, but view them as one person.

They attend a community program where they are viewed as individuals and treated as such. Within the program they were all placed in separate small groups. The mother was not at all happy with the arrangements, as she wanted all three to be in the same small group. Which is not fair to the leadership because the children together are a handful due to lack of discipline in the home setting.

Dd and I are both only children, so we think the way the triplets/brother are treated bytheir parents is strange.

 

I have had the chance to talk with many mother of multiples. When the kids were in school and they "had" to be seperated I didn't mind, but I did have to encourage a few other moms that it was a good thing.

 

It is really hard to understand unless you have had them. These entities shared a womb, they finish each others thoughts and often speak their own private languages. They share a bond that is more intimate that a husband and wife.

 

Although this mom and I wouldn't see eye to eye on the community group (I would welcome the seperateness) I can understand the playdate.

 

Now, if you do take the pludge and invite all 3, what a great time to get to know them as individuals!!!! You will be poised and ready to ask them about their different interests and such. At least it wouldn't be an odd numbered get together ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My DS are two years apart, but I sometimes have to work hard to convince people I don't want them treated as a single unit. They do quite enough together, especially with HS, so I want them to go on individual playdates and have lives separate from each other.

 

Agree with some PPs, mom just wants a break.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But it isn't babysitting when the whole families are together. I am not in charge of someone else's family when the parents are at my house. I wasn't suggesting what you stated. (You might not have directed this post to me. It is directly under mine so I am responding. :)

 

"Break" to me meant "mom drops off the kids and goes somewhere else". I agree that it isn't babysitting if the parent is in the house with you. :) Insisting that a significantly younger sibling be included without the mom staying to visit as well would be babysitting. I sometimes include younger siblings in invitations or invite a whole family, but I do not insist that invitations my children receive be modified to include all my kids. If my uninvited kids are sad, I make up something fun for the rest of us to do at home. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounds like possibly Mom is putting off the inevitable because it's really stinky to have to tell the other child(ren) that they weren't invited but the other one was. And it's even stinkier to watch them deal with feeling left out, and the being jealous. But, as these kids grow, they will need their individuality or they will grow resentful of one another. We started doing this around 7 years old, and it was difficult (and my twins are boy/girl). I can't imagine trying to implement it at their current age. Oy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I see both sides of this. I have a son and a daughter. If we are invited over to play with a boy then my dd comes with me. I don't mind dropping off when I know the family well, but early on I am staying and she's staying too. I bring her things to read/do but usually she's folded into the play and no one has issues. Same in reverse...I don't mind dropping off if I know you, but if you want me to stay my son is staying too. I bring him things to read/do but usually he's included in some way in the play and all kids are happy.

 

So for me, it's usually all of us and I expect others to bring all their kids when they come to my house. We home school and we have more than one kid. Expecting only one to come would be weird. Where would that kid go while one stays to play and I chit chat with you?

 

We had a girl playdate this week and my son was just fine hanging with the girls. I think the girls had more mud on them than he did :tongue_smilie:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I haven't read all of the thread.

 

I have a slightly different take. I have twin boys who share friends. It would just be odd if a friend invited one and not the other. It would result in major hurt feelings.

 

However, re: triplets. What if you invited two of the triplets over and not the third? What then?

 

I can see both sides. I can see your side and I can see the triplet's mom's side.

 

But having the brother go too is just ridiculous -- free babysitting if you ask me.

 

Alley

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A couple of years ago we did a playdate with this family in our home which was a disaster.

Last year we tried meeting at a park which again was a disaster.

So when the mother approaches us about getting together I reply with "I don't know if it will be possible, our calendar is pretty full this month."

The word has gotten around the community about the family and how the mother operates.

Last I knew their playdates had pretty much become extinct.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...