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Is there anything else I can do?


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My best friend from high school called me today. While we've drifted apart a little in recent years we are still very, very close and chat often. I got as far as the traditional "How are you?" before she broke down.

 

She's having a really tough time right now between stress and hormones. She just gave birth to her second almost a month ago and is having a difficult time transitioning to having two kids. Her brand new dd has some hearing problems (during the basic hearing test she failed in her left ear) and in the last week or two has been responding to noises less and less. Her DH is working long shifts to earn a little extra income because not only is money tight but they are trying to pay off some smaller debt (credit cards etc) by the time he is deployed in August. He's also taking public transportation to work in case she needs the car for anything, which makes a normal 40-60 minute commute anywhere from 1.5-3.5 hours. She feels horrible because she's worrying about her dd, hasn't had more than a few minutes here and there with her DH in the last couple of weeks (which outside of just making her sad makes her feel panic-y. She's terrified that something will happen to him while he's deployed), and the housework (cooking, cleaning) etc is overwhelming her.

 

She has asked her church for help - even if it is just someone to come watch her 21 month DS so that she can catch up a little on laundry, dishes etc but the head of the Relief Society (all female sunday school) told her that because some of the older members of the congregation felt that they'd been "taken advantage of by younger couples in the past" that they'd bring by dinner if she really needed help, but otherwise all they'd do is pray for her. All around they just made her feel like the scum of the earth for even asking for help! :mad: Her parents aren't close enough to help and her in-laws, while well intentioned, make her feel awful and like she's "doing it wrong" if she doesn't do everything like her MIL.

 

So Friday I'm going to head over there with a big pan of enchiladas and a big salad for that night and whatever they want to have the leftovers for, a chicken pot pie for the freezer so that she can just pull it out and put in the oven at a different point of the week, and either muffins or cinnamon bread for a "special" no-work-needed breakfast/snack for them. DH and DS are coming and are going to help distract her DS so that she can have some rest and calm down time and I'm going to spend a couple of hours doing whatever she needs me to do.

 

I keep feeling like I'm not doing enough though... she is a much loved "adopted" sister and I can't stand seeing my loved ones in that much distress. So I figured I'd poll the largest, wisest collection of mommas that I know and see if your brains come up with any other bright ideas?

 

Thanks in advance!

Edited by theAmbitiousHousewife
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Strongly advise her to talk to her doctor. She may have postpartum depression. I did after my 2nd dd was born. Medication helped immensely. Was she on birth control pills before pregnancy? I tried weaning myself off my antidepressant, but couldn't until I started back on the pill (the one with both progesterin and estrogen--during nursing I was taking the one with just progesterin). So I think a hormonal imbalance was definitely the culprit.

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You sound like a wonderful friend. I'm so glad she shared her burden with you, and that you are willing to share her burdens through your actions!

 

The only other thing I thought of is, if she can get someone in as a mother's helper (homeschooled teenager?) for a few hours, maybe you'd be willing to pay for it? I don't know what your financial situation is, but that would be a great gift if you could swing it.

 

Also, you could suggest to her:

a)To lighten her load, her hubby might only take public transportation a couple of times a week when she has appointments or errands scheduled, which would give him more time at home.

b)Dave Ramsey says that when you are pregnant, you should put off your debt snowball until baby is born and everyone is fine - it doesn't sound like everyone is fine - she might better to use the money for a few hours a week/month of mother's helper, if it would save her sanity.

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I second the idea of considering postpartum depression.

 

Do you live near her? If so, try to go over once a week or so and have a "Girls Night" at home during the daytime just to give her some adult companionship and help.

 

If it were me, I would travel with dh to work and enjoy the hours in the car together, talking. Or if you are nearby, let him take the car and have her call you in an emergency.

 

I bet there are women in her church who would love to help out if they knew the need. I can see why the usual group had to set some boundaries. She could explain her need to the Pastor and let him find someone or her husband could ask her church friends if she isn't comfortable with doing that.

 

Are you part of any homeschool groups or do you know a nice homeschooled girl who could be a sort of "Mother's Helper" for a few weeks?

 

I'm sure just having you there to listen and allowing her to "dump" helped a lot. Now that you know some of her needs, I'm sure you will be doing what you can.

 

Life can be tough, can't it?

:grouphug:

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Can you commit to helping her one afternoon a week for the next month or so - or longer? I did that once with a friend who was overwhelmed - basically was the mother's helper/friend/housekeeper/cook during that time. If she wanted to sleep, I watched the kids. If she wanted to talk, we talked. If she needed cleaning and cooking - I did it (or brought a casserole from home). You could time it for the day her DH takes the car so if something needs to be done, you have a car too.

 

I also second getting a PPD evaluation.

 

You're a good friend!

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If she's in Relief Society, that means she is LDS (Mormon). It sounds like her Relief Society is (over)reacting to a bad experience and not doing what it should. I would use all of my powers of persuasion to convince her to talk to her bishop or stake president about the situation.

 

(In my experience, the Relief Society has been crazy-generous any time I've needed help. I believe that to be the norm.)

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If she's in Relief Society, that means she is LDS (Mormon). It sounds like her Relief Society is (over)reacting to a bad experience and not doing what it should. I would use all of my powers of persuasion to convince her to talk to her bishop or stake president about the situation.

 

(In my experience, the Relief Society has been crazy-generous any time I've needed help. I believe that to be the norm.)

 

Can she call the missionaries and just by-pass relief society all-together?

 

I can't believe RS would respond in that way!

 

(I'm RC, not LDS but I knew/know many LDS in college.)

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I'd be taking her a huge tub of paper plates, disposable cups and utensils. At least it would ease her of some dishes.

 

When we were going through a rough time a friend arranged to do errands for me once a week. Library, trip to a store I didn't frequent, video returns, etc. She came the same day each week and it was such a help.

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I'd see how open she is to the idea of telling her doc about her PPD. When a friend of mine went through it, her SIL was afraid she wouldn't tell the doc, so the SIL went to the doc with her to be sure it was addressed.

 

Is there a way YOU can call the relief people? Your friend doesn't sound up to fighting for herself. If there was a way to contact someone at her church, I would contact them for her. Like others have said, I'd see if there was a different group willing to help.

 

It sounds like this will be ongoing for awhile, and it sounds like someone needs to be with her once or twice a week, if only to dust/vacuum/clean the bathroom.

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You sound like a wonderful friend. I'm so glad she shared her burden with you, and that you are willing to share her burdens through your actions!

 

The only other thing I thought of is, if she can get someone in as a mother's helper (homeschooled teenager?) for a few hours, maybe you'd be willing to pay for it? I don't know what your financial situation is, but that would be a great gift if you could swing it.

 

Also, you could suggest to her:

a)To lighten her load, her hubby might only take public transportation a couple of times a week when she has appointments or errands scheduled, which would give him more time at home.

b)Dave Ramsey says that when you are pregnant, you should put off your debt snowball until baby is born and everyone is fine - it doesn't sound like everyone is fine - she might better to use the money for a few hours a week/month of mother's helper, if it would save her sanity.

 

:iagree: I remember practically panicking when I had a toddler and a newborn and I didn't have the added stress of dh having a long commute or getting ready to deploy.

 

I'd forget about paying off debt right now and stick to minimum payments. Hire a mother's helper to come a few days a week.

 

Have her dh take the car 2-3 days a week so his commute is shorter.

 

Have her stock up on foods w/zero to little prep - PopTarts, string cheese, pre-cut veggies, hummus & pita bread - stuff that she can eat one-handed :D

 

Paper plates are her friend. As are lots of kiddie videos for her oldest.

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You are being a very sweet friend. I think what you have planned so far sounds great.

 

PPD could be involved, it's something for her to consider.

 

Are you close enough that you can get away with, "Hey, I'm going to come over one day this week and help you get the house together. I'm not taking no for an answer (said sweetly)." And show up with your cleaning supplies and a meal so that she doesn't have to worry about feeding everyone while you are there.

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If she's in Relief Society, that means she is LDS (Mormon). It sounds like her Relief Society is (over)reacting to a bad experience and not doing what it should. I would use all of my powers of persuasion to convince her to talk to her bishop or stake president about the situation.

 

(In my experience, the Relief Society has been crazy-generous any time I've needed help. I believe that to be the norm.)

:iagree:

Not LDS, but I am certain that this is not how things should be handled. My LDS friends are always doing things for their RS sisters, and I think your ward's RS is handling this very poorly. :( Take it up with your bishop.:grouphug::grouphug:

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Thanks so much for the suggestions ladies!

 

PPD did cross my mind when we were speaking yesterday. It just wasn't something I wanted to bring up over the phone, nor did I want to leap to conclusions. Yesterday was her anniversary, which in the light of stress and whatnot I'm sure actually made the day a whole lot worse. I'm planning on bringing it up when I see her tomorrow. I'd be more than willing to go to her midwife with her (we use the same one, lol).

 

She's a very disorganized person by nature, so I'm thinking that maybe helping her form a meal plan with easy to throw together things and then creating a shopping list for her will cut back on some of her stress and free up the car for her DH to take a little more often. I'm pretty sure that he insists on leaving it home with her because she's one of those people that doesn't think about dinner until 5 and then runs out and buys whatever she needs for whatever she decided to make. If she can't think of something then she picks up a pizza or deli chicken or hits up a fast food joint. When her DH was taking the car more regularly it got to the point that she was ordering pizza 3-4 times a week because she'd get to dinner time and just freeze.

 

I live fairly close (about 10 minutes away) but my DH has the car with him most of the day. I can probably get over there once a week though to help her out/ have girl time/ help her cook or whatever. I'm 16 weeks pregnant myself so I'll only be able to really help for a couple of months before I become too awkward to be of use (lol) but hopefully that will be enough to help her start climbing back up to her cheerful self.

 

I'm LDS myself so I was completely horrified at the reaction she got from the Relief Society. When I was finishing up my last two semesters of college with a brand new baby in tow I was drowning in offers to help, and that is pretty much how any ward (congregation) that I've ever been in has been when it comes to helping. I'm sure there are probably people in her ward that would be willing to help out but she hates asking people she doesn't know for help. I know her, so I know just how much courage it took for her to ask for help the first time and they made her feel so awful for not only asking but needing help that now even if someone from church offered her help she'd turn it down just so that she wouldn't upset anyone. I'll talk to her and see if she'll take it up bishop. If we were in the same ward you'd bet I'd be taking it up with a bunch of people. I'm unpleasant like that, lol.

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You have gotten a lot of good replies but I wanted to respond to this part of your post specifically:

Her brand new dd has some hearing problems (during the basic hearing test she failed in her left ear) and in the last week or two has been responding to noises less and less.

 

Has she scheduled the follow up hearing test yet? I know as a parent of two children with hearing loss, that during that evaluation/diagnostic phase, my life was chaos, I felt like I was in such a dark place and I was so depressed - and my girls were older, 4 YO & 7 MO, when they were diagnosed, although they were diagnosed at almost the same time. I cannot imagine what life would have been like had I been in that state of mind along with the brand-new baby/recovering from giving birth/trying to handle a toddler plus a newborn state. I also already knew a lot about hearing loss since I was hard of hearing myself.

 

Offer to help her schedule the follow-up, keep the other child during that appointment if you can, or better yet, arrange someone else to keep him and go with her (if her DH cannot go). Hearing loss does not have to be devastating and children who are deaf or hard-of-hearing have lots of options to ensure they have a very productive and happy life. It just is hard to see all that when you are at the beginning of the journey. All the information and choices are also overwhelming.

 

Knowing what I went through and how I felt when the girls were diagnosed gave me a passion for helping other families walk along this journey and I now work with an organization called Hands & Voices, which supports families of children who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. If it was that hard on me, with all my knowledge and experience with hearing loss, I know it is even worse for someone who has not had any preparation for dealing with it. Check the national website for Hands & Voices to see if there is a chapter in your state. They should have someone she can talk to. If your state doesn't have a chapter or she doesn't want to cold call, I would love to visit with her as well.

 

It is very important that she follow up with the testing, and the sooner the better. This isn't something that can wait. She may be grieving right now and may even be in a bit of denial, wanting to put off confirming what she already sees (since you said the baby wasn't responding to sound), but getting past the diagnosis and to the point of being able to do something should help her fears also.

 

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!

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when I had twins -- and had absolutely no help -- I remember wishing for fresh fruits and veggies. Prepared veggies.

 

We were eating whatever was handy and I remember thinking, "gosh, I would love a salad or steamed broccoli or something." But we were hit hard by a tidal wave of baby -- and even going to the bathroom seemed like a major undertaking. (The sleep deprivation is incredible.)

 

I agree about going to her dr. and seeing about meds. I also had post partum.

 

A friend was in a major car accident and it seemed to mean a lot to her that I brought her a weekly meal. Every Tuesday night. It wasn't elaborate, but I included dessert and it seemed like it meant more to her that I cared enough to do it, rather then being about the food itself.

 

Tell her these early months don't last.

 

Alley

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You have gotten a lot of good replies but I wanted to respond to this part of your post specifically:

 

 

Has she scheduled the follow up hearing test yet? I know as a parent of two children with hearing loss, that during that evaluation/diagnostic phase, my life was chaos, I felt like I was in such a dark place and I was so depressed - and my girls were older, 4 YO & 7 MO, when they were diagnosed, although they were diagnosed at almost the same time. I cannot imagine what life would have been like had I been in that state of mind along with the brand-new baby/recovering from giving birth/trying to handle a toddler plus a newborn state. I also already knew a lot about hearing loss since I was hard of hearing myself.

 

Offer to help her schedule the follow-up, keep the other child during that appointment if you can, or better yet, arrange someone else to keep him and go with her (if her DH cannot go). Hearing loss does not have to be devastating and children who are deaf or hard-of-hearing have lots of options to ensure they have a very productive and happy life. It just is hard to see all that when you are at the beginning of the journey. All the information and choices are also overwhelming.

 

Knowing what I went through and how I felt when the girls were diagnosed gave me a passion for helping other families walk along this journey and I now work with an organization called Hands & Voices, which supports families of children who are deaf or hard-of-hearing. If it was that hard on me, with all my knowledge and experience with hearing loss, I know it is even worse for someone who has not had any preparation for dealing with it. Check the national website for Hands & Voices to see if there is a chapter in your state. They should have someone she can talk to. If your state doesn't have a chapter or she doesn't want to cold call, I would love to visit with her as well.

 

It is very important that she follow up with the testing, and the sooner the better. This isn't something that can wait. She may be grieving right now and may even be in a bit of denial, wanting to put off confirming what she already sees (since you said the baby wasn't responding to sound), but getting past the diagnosis and to the point of being able to do something should help her fears also.

 

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!

 

She had a follow up hearing test scheduled for this past Tuesday but both of her kids were getting over a head cold and so she called to see if that would cause any problems. They had her cancel her appointment and rescheduled for a couple of weeks from now (I think??).

 

Thank you so much for your advice! I'll most definitely pass it along!

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She had a follow up hearing test scheduled for this past Tuesday but both of her kids were getting over a head cold and so she called to see if that would cause any problems. They had her cancel her appointment and rescheduled for a couple of weeks from now (I think??).

 

Thank you so much for your advice! I'll most definitely pass it along!

 

This adds a lot of information to the picture as well. Put yourself in her place: you are sick with worry that your precious new baby is deaf. You are ready for some answers, even if they are not what you want to hear. The not-knowing-for-sure is unbearable. Tuesday is the day; you can make it until Tuesday when you will get all the answers*. Then - BOOM - the sky falls in with two sick children postponing the end to your agony and adding more stress just by taking care of them. You had held it together because you would get the answers on Tuesday but now you have to wait two more very-long weeks. Yeah, I totally get why she was falling apart.

 

*Now realize that the follow-up may not have provided "all the answers" but it certainly feels like it when you are waiting for that next appointment,

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Sounds like "some" of the stress would be off if hubby were home more often -- can he take the car four days a week, and leave it home ONE day so she can get whatever errands/shopping done? (although I remember when I had two littles I did most of my grocery shopping at night early on) How important is this "in case she needs the car" issue? Can she schedule what she needs it for on a single day?

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