WWYD--Dear woman at bible study has severe chem sensitivities

[Chris in VA]

Just got a call from a dear woman (DW) at our bible study who has severe sensitivities to perfumes and chemicals. She called to say she had to leave this week (Monday) b/c a woman next to her was wearing perfume. She had tightness and used her inhaler--I didn't really notice (there are about 18 women there) then.

 

She said she has talked to the person (who is a good friend of mine) and the person kinda seemed highly annoyed and didn't really say anything back.

 

Dear woman doesn't want me to say anything further to the perfume woman, and has decided not to come anymore.

 

Breaks my heart! I asked her if I should speak to the other woman, and DW said no, but I could mention "chemical sensitivities" this coming week--Providentially, the study is about Esther, and we are at the point where we are going to talk about the year of beauty treatments she underwent.

 

Anyway, wwyd? I promised not to directly talk to the perfumy woman.

[mommaduck]

Then you have to hold to your promise. Next round of studies though, I would probably add a note to those that want to attend that due to chemical allergies and (if applicable) pregnancies, you would request that ladies not wear perfume to the study out of courtesy.

 

Perfume sends me hurling when I'm pregnant. In fact, I have to take Zofran during half my pregnancy with half of my pregnancies. Try standing at the pharmacy counter, attempting to get your medicine just to have a woman in back of you start spraying body sprays to "test them"...ack! I had to let hubby deal with getting my meds and I moved about 18ft away...and yes, I gave that woman a dirty look (regardless, spraying that stuff around other people is RUDE! Especially right where you have people that may be ill and needing their meds). My mother is chemically sensitive to smells also. As a young adult, I could not wear perfume or light scented candles around her (and I loved PartyLite!). She just could not be around it without getting a migraine. Granted, as a young person I rolled my eyes, but out of courtesy I did not do these things.

[Danestress]

It's a rule. No scented hairspray, hand lotion, nothing. They frequently reminded us of this.

 

I have no sensitivity, but I absolutely loved that policy!

[staceyobu]

Well, if she's definitely not coming back maybe it doesn't matter. For future things like that, maybe she could talk to a leader who could send a note or call everyone ahead of time about not wearing perfume. That way, no one would feel singled out and it would prevent it from happening. Sometimes I wear perfume and sometimes I don't... so just because perfume lady knows not to do it, it doesn't prevent someone else from showing up with perfume on.

[regentrude]

We have the same situation in choir - a woman gets asthma attacks (and can't sing) if somebody wears perfume or cologne.

An announcement is made to the whole group periodically requesting that nobody wears those "because some members of our group are severely allergic".

It needs the occasional reminder, but it does not single out any individual.

I would just make it a rule. How hard can it be to not wear scent?

[Wyndie]

I have a friend who has recently had to stop coming to church for that reason. I think it needs to be addressed. Someone wants to fellowship in a group and is excluded b/c someone else doesn't want to stop wearing perfume??? How selfish is that??? If she wants to be Christ-like, she should stop wearing perfume so her sister in Christ can come to Bible Study.

 

I think you can address the situation in general without pointing fingers at the perfume wearer. It would be the loving thing to do on all sides.

[athena1277]

UGH! The scented people have become a pet peeve of mine because dh is super sensitive. I can't begin to tell you how many times we have had to leave in the middle of worship services because someone sitting near us was wearing a scent. Seriously, if you bath, you don't stink. No need to give yourself a scent! The only way we make it through services now is to sit in the very last row. I guess the latecomers who sit near us were in too big of a hurry to put on perfume.

 

BTW, I would bring up sensitivities in your next lesson, since it applies. Just don't bring up the situation you described.

 

ETA: Could you set up a private study with the woman who left? That way she could be sure she would not get sick.

[Tammyla]

Would moving to another seat, or opening a window help?

 

I'm not insensitive to either lady, and some perfume lovers literally douse themselves in too much of a good thing. If I was leading the group, I would try to come up with an agreeable solution to both of them.

[mom4him]

I am one of those people that become ill with fragrances. It is a very difficult life at times. I have had to go to a different church, shop totally differently, be sure anyone that is coming to our home knows to come scent free, etc.

 

I would talk to the group about starting NOW to come scent free. I would explain that one person has had to drop out because of the scents being worn at the Bible study.

 

You have no idea how many people are sensitive but never say a thing. They simply quick coming or just go home sick.

 

This is a serious thing and in our day it seems as though people are addicted to their fragrances in almost every area. Do you realize that there are over 5000 different chemicals that are in the perfumes/colognes in our country? They don't all make it so you can not breath. Some of them cause brain fog, joint and muscle pain, heart problems, muscle spasms,major fatigue, just to name a few. Many people are battling with some of these things and done even realize the root cause.

 

This would be the perfect time for you to talk to them about this as you can talk about how the things that Ester used to enhance her beauty didn't come from a cosmetic counter. They were natural things and they were not major. The biggest beauty secret she had was her heart.

 

Sorry for the rant. I have written some articles on this subject. If you are interested I would be happy to send them to you. Just send me a pm.

[sbgrace]

That's sad.

 

Can you tell her that you'd like to make an announcement to the whole group to avoid scented products due to severe allergy reactions in sensitive people? I guess I'd come at this from the angle that there may be someone else miserable in that group (or multiple people given the group size). There is a reason there are whole product lines (paints, body products, etc.) for this. It's not that uncommon. It's probably a good policy to have for the study anyway--whether she feels she can come back or not.

Edited January 19, 2011 by sbgrace

[jplain]

It's a rule. No scented hairspray, hand lotion, nothing. They frequently reminded us of this.

 

I have no sensitivity, but I absolutely loved that policy!

My church prints a reminder in the weekly order of service. And although it isn't formally included in my small group ministry's group covenant, it certainly would be if anyone requested it.

 

And I love the policy too, though I'm not offended by subtle scents, applied appropriately. Last week at the kids' judo practice I was overwhelmed by the perfume of a woman who was at least 6 feet away from me the whole time. Too much perfume! It was really annoying. :glare:

[Guest Katia]

I wanted to weigh in on this discussion from the viewpoint of those that are 'accused' of wearing scent, when they may not even be aware that they are.

 

My girls were taking piano lessons from a lady that was very sensitive to all sorts of things. We knew she ended up in the hospital frequently from cold and flu viruses that she seemed particularly sensitive to.

 

Now, my girls and I didn't use any perfume at.all. Ever. I only wore make-up on very special occasions, and was/am so not the fussy type. However, she was constantly asking that we not wear perfume to her lessons. I would tell her we didn't use perfume, and she acted like I was lying!

 

So, after trying to figure out what was bothering her, we could only come up with these things: our shampoo/conditioner on the girls long hair, since she was standing right over them most of the time, and/or the antibacterial hand gel we used before we went to her house. We didn't use the hand gel any other time, but she wanted their hands uber-clean as they would be touching her piano keys. Maybe it was even the lingering scent of fabric softener on their clothes?

 

I just wanted to say, WE didn't smell anything, we didn't knowingly use 'scent' or lavishly apply any perfume, yet were accused of doing so. Should our family not use shampoo because it bothers someone else? Should we change our laundering habits? It was very, very upsetting to us to be told that we were insensitive to this problem, when we didn't even see what we could have been doing that was wrong. We really, really tried to be careful!

 

We quit taking lessons from her and found another teacher. Some people are just extremely sensitive, I understand that, but that doesn't mean others are being INsensitive by just shampooing their hair or doing their laundry or cleaning their hands.

[silliness7]

That reminds me of the Office episode where pregnant Pam asks her co-workers to refrain from scents and stinky food, etc. for a couple of months due to her nausea. They are offended that she would ask and flaunt their scents to which she picks up a trashcan and hurls causing everyone else to hurl. end of problem. :lol:

 

Not suggesting that as a solution to your problem. I somehow missed that episode and just saw it and made.me.laugh!

 

Sorry...please resume with more appropriate solutions. :auto:

[OnTheBrink]

I think we're looking at two different issues here. It's one thing to have a physiological reaction to a scent (like needing an inhaler) and another to just be annoyed by someone's perfume. I agree that if someone in the group has a physical or medical reaction to something then if at all possible, deference should be given to the person who's allergic. But I think it's rude to expect someone to not wear their perfume simply because someone else doesn't like it. I also think it's unrealistic to expect an entire congregation to be completely scent-free because a few are annoyed by scent.

 

I have a friend who wears a scent I absolutely can't stand. I think she smells like dirt when she wears it. But it's her favorite scent and she loves it and it makes her feel good. Who am I to ask her not to wear it around me? That's just selfish.

[Murphy101]

It's a rule. No scented hairspray, hand lotion, nothing. They frequently reminded us of this.

 

I have no sensitivity, but I absolutely loved that policy!

 

I wish the local performance art center had this rule.

 

I get season tickets as a birthday present each year and sadly I have had to leave twice because of this when another season ticker holder shows up. I felt like someone was suffocating me with her smell and it took everything I had to get out of my center seat and to a restroom without barfing in a lap. She asked if I was okay and I told her what the problem was. I tried to be as nice about as an about to puke gal can be, but I guess all I did was tick her off.

 

We moved our season seats after the second attack when she said it was going to be a long season together :glare: but management was useless and completely didn't give a flip. They just said maybe we would like to upgrade?:glare:

[Audrey]

I wanted to weigh in on this discussion from the viewpoint of those that are 'accused' of wearing scent, when they may not even be aware that they are.

 

.... Some people are just extremely sensitive, I understand that, but that doesn't mean others are being INsensitive by just shampooing their hair or doing their laundry or cleaning their hands.

 

I think we're looking at two different issues here. It's one thing to have a physiological reaction to a scent (like needing an inhaler) and another to just be annoyed by someone's perfume. I agree that if someone in the group has a physical or medical reaction to something then if at all possible, deference should be given to the person who's allergic. But I think it's rude to expect someone to not wear their perfume simply because someone else doesn't like it. I also think it's unrealistic to expect an entire congregation to be completely scent-free because a few are annoyed by scent.

 

I have a friend who wears a scent I absolutely can't stand. I think she smells like dirt when she wears it. But it's her favorite scent and she loves it and it makes her feel good. Who am I to ask her not to wear it around me? That's just selfish.

 

 

:iagree: And, I'm getting a little tired of making everyone accomodate one or two people. I think those one or two people should be making some compromise, as well. It doesn't generally work that way, though. The zero tolerance on scent is just as bad as the zero tolerance policies in schools.

[Impish]

I wanted to weigh in on this discussion from the viewpoint of those that are 'accused' of wearing scent, when they may not even be aware that they are.

 

My girls were taking piano lessons from a lady that was very sensitive to all sorts of things. We knew she ended up in the hospital frequently from cold and flu viruses that she seemed particularly sensitive to.

 

Now, my girls and I didn't use any perfume at.all. Ever. I only wore make-up on very special occasions, and was/am so not the fussy type. However, she was constantly asking that we not wear perfume to her lessons. I would tell her we didn't use perfume, and she acted like I was lying!

 

So, after trying to figure out what was bothering her, we could only come up with these things: our shampoo/conditioner on the girls long hair, since she was standing right over them most of the time, and/or the antibacterial hand gel we used before we went to her house. We didn't use the hand gel any other time, but she wanted their hands uber-clean as they would be touching her piano keys. Maybe it was even the lingering scent of fabric softener on their clothes?

 

I just wanted to say, WE didn't smell anything, we didn't knowingly use 'scent' or lavishly apply any perfume, yet were accused of doing so. Should our family not use shampoo because it bothers someone else? Should we change our laundering habits? It was very, very upsetting to us to be told that we were insensitive to this problem, when we didn't even see what we could have been doing that was wrong. We really, really tried to be careful!

 

We quit taking lessons from her and found another teacher. Some people are just extremely sensitive, I understand that, but that doesn't mean others are being INsensitive by just shampooing their hair or doing their laundry or cleaning their hands.

:iagree: I know that all of our soap/body wash/deodorant/anti-antiperspirant/shampoo/conditioner/lotions are scented. And we use fabric softener that's scented.

 

Its not at all that I'm wishing anyone ill or am insensitive...its that I'd have to go and toss ALL of our stuff and rebuy everything in unscented in order to comply with chemical sensitivities. I can go without perfume, no problem. But unscented, completely? I'm sure there are things I use without hesitation that have some scent.

[Mejane]

:iagree: And, I'm getting a little tired of making everyone accomodate one or two people. I think those one or two people should be making some compromise, as well. It doesn't generally work that way, though. The zero tolerance on scent is just as bad as the zero tolerance policies in schools.

 

I tend to agree even while I have sympathy for the person. We had a child in our last hs group who was extremely scent intolerant. The leader sent an email around asking people to refrain from using any scented personal products including deodorant, mouthwash, etc. It got to be too much, imo, and just not worth going.

[mommaduck]

I tend to agree even while I have sympathy for the person. We had a child in our last hs group who was extremely scent intolerant. The leader sent an email around asking people to refrain from using any scented personal products including deodorant, mouthwash, etc. It got to be too much, imo, and just not worth going.

I agree that that is overboard and there are some people that have overboard expectations. I don't think this is the case with the OP though. I do not think it's unreasonable for small events to request that people refrain from perfume for that limited amount of time (and then they can go put it on after they leave).

[Murphy101]

Hey I am not for zero tolerance either.

 

But I do think it is rude to start spraying and lathering around others. That is when the scent is most strong and sprays drift.

 

I wasn't mad at the other season ticket holder. But did she have to bring a purse full of that crap and start lathering right before the show?

 

I moved my seats (which wasn't free btw).

 

Most of the time, I just go puke and go home. My problem.

Life isn't fair, which is why I get no refund.

 

But in places where people HAVE to be? I have no problem with a rule saying to lay off the potions. Or add them for that matter.

 

Dh has had to explain to women that their perfume is literally giving their coworkers migraines and to not wear it to work any more. Of course, he has also had to explain to some that deodorant and regular showers are not optional. Failure to comply got a few fired for making uncomfortable working conditions for the office or refusal to meet client needs.

[Wyndie]

As the mom of a child who is so inhalant sensitive that she can't even GO in two of the church buildings, my perspective is to err on the side of unscented. My child cannot breathe... it's not a matter of "eww it stinks". She literally cannot breathe. I think someone can give up some perfume or scented hand lotion for a few hours a week so she can survive church.

 

That said, we avoid MANY church activities just so people don't have to worry about that. We don't expect everyone to cater to every need we have but we certainly do appreciate the ones who are selfless enough to make church safe for her. Our family misses out on so many things that others take for granted, that people making the effort to allow my family to worship corporately is not insignificant.

 

Fortunately (or not) there are a few in our church (and neighborhood) who have similar issues and we are starting a Bible Study in MY house where there are not scented things to worry about. Everyone will be safe here but I still appreciate that my family can go to church once a week b/c others care enough to make her safe.

[mommaduck]

H

But in places where people HAVE to be? I have no problem with a rule saying to lay off the potions. Or add them for that matter.

 

Dh has had to explain to women that their perfume is literally giving their coworkers migraines and to not wear it to work any more. Of course, he has also had to explain to some that deodorant and regular showers are not optional. Failure to comply got a few fired for making uncomfortable working conditions for the office or refusal to meet client needs.

They have this rule for staff at dr offices and hospitals.

[Mejane]

I agree that that is overboard and there are some people that have overboard expectations. I don't think this is the case with the OP though. I do not think it's unreasonable for small events to request that people refrain from perfume for that limited amount of time (and then they can go put it on after they leave).

 

Yes, I absolutely agree that no one needs to douse themselves with perfume or body lotion. (I'm not even scent intolerant and some people make me gag.) It's forbidding basic personal care items like soap and deodorant that are over the top, imo.

[JVA]

We have the same situation in choir - a woman gets asthma attacks (and can't sing) if somebody wears perfume or cologne.

An announcement is made to the whole group periodically requesting that nobody wears those "because some members of our group are severely allergic".

It needs the occasional reminder, but it does not single out any individual.

I would just make it a rule. How hard can it be to not wear scent?

 

 

:iagree::iagree: We have this EXACT situation in our choir. The sufferer gets horrid migraines. We just need a reminder now and them....I've forgotten myself and traded seats with someone to be further away from the sufferer....thankfully that was all that was needed that day... sometimes it's so bad, she has to go home from rehearsal/Sunday services. I feel so bad for her.

[Colleen in NS]

Dear woman doesn't want me to say anything further to the perfume woman, and has decided not to come anymore.

 

Anyway, wwyd? I promised not to directly talk to the perfumy woman.

 

Speaking as a mother of anaphylactic and asthmatic children, and the wife of a very scent-sensitive dh (I think I just about killed him with my perfume in our early years!! I gave up perfume...), I would just leave it alone for now. Let the DW keep her dignity - she has already tried to talk to PW, and has backed off - probably not wanting to cause inconvenience.

 

It's very kind of you, Chris, to want to include her. Perhaps, as someone else said, on the next round of study you could declare the zone "perfume-free." Just let people know that some attendees are scent-sensitive, and ask if others could accommodate that as they can? I think reasonable adults who want to be together for short periods of time each week are capable of this.

 

Would moving to another seat, or opening a window help?

 

Sometimes, sometimes not. It depends on how severe the allergy is, how big the room is, how many people, etc..

[Murphy101]

They have this rule for staff at dr offices and hospitals.

 

Sadly my biggest cause of puking is apparently the world's favorite flavor and scent - mint.

 

I cannot be around mint without getting headaches, nausea, and puking if I can't get away fast enough. Toothpaste, gum, holidays can be brutal bc peppermint is everywhere!

[mommaduck]

Sadly my biggest cause of puking is apparently the world's favorite flavor and scent - mint.

 

I cannot be around mint without getting headaches, nausea, and puking if I can't get away fast enough. Toothpaste, gum, holidays can be brutal bc peppermint is everywhere!

Oh wow! And that's the one thing I can put in my mouth to help stop a gag reflex!

[Impish]

I have no issue with skipping perfume, and rarely use lotion.

 

The problem, as stated by another poster, is that shampoo, conditioner, soap are usually scented. Laundry soap. Fabric softener. The list goes on.

 

So, what if skipping lotions and potions aren't enough? Should ppl skip brushing their teeth, for worry that (as with Martha) the mint scent would bother some one?

 

Dunno about others, but I'd rather mint breath than kill-a-moose breath.

[Susan C.]

My mil (now deceased) literally took a bath in her hairspray and perfume. When she came to visit, the entire family got coughs and runny noses. Being in the car with her was intolerable. I couldn't be near it, I could literally taste it. She also got complaints from people she knew at church. One sweet lady said she liked her and wanted to sit with her, but just couldn't stand the perfume. Mil said too bad..... She was VERY stubborn. She was going to do what she wanted. That is the attitude that upsets me. If she had just used a little, it would have been fine. And more considerate. (Funny thing she was always defining what considerate was, and I never supposedly knew what it was...).

 

I have a pretty sensitive nose, but fabric softener, lotions, shampoo scents don't bother me. Dd uses a fair amount of Bath and Body Works items, they don't bother me either.

 

I still really don't get the need to saturate yourself completely in perfume......

[vonfirmath]

I have no issue with skipping perfume, and rarely use lotion.

 

The problem, as stated by another poster, is that shampoo, conditioner, soap are usually scented. Laundry soap. Fabric softener. The list goes on.

 

So, what if skipping lotions and potions aren't enough? Should ppl skip brushing their teeth, for worry that (as with Martha) the mint scent would bother some one?

 

Dunno about others, but I'd rather mint breath than kill-a-moose breath.

 

My husband is scent-sensitive and it is VERY difficult to find deoderant for him that is unscented. I've had to go to multiple stores to find one with it in stock. Luckily, he can handle "faint" scents on me (vanilla, apple, etc) because I'm not sure I've ever seen unscented female stuff

 

We use no fabric softener, scent free laundry detergent and as scent free as we can get shampoo (and he manages when it has an "original" scent or something.)

 

My conditioner is scented if I don't find something 2-in-1

Toothpaste is scented but evidently does not bother him

[Mejane]

My mil (now deceased) literally took a bath in her hairspray and perfume.

 

My fil does this as well. We lose our sense of smell as we age, and some elderly people don't realize when enough is enough.

[mom4him]

I have to add to this. There are items available that are unscented in every area. I have purchased shampoo and conditioner for years that is unscented. I use organic coconut oil for hand/body lotion. It is the best I have ever used and I have bought many expensive lotions to help with my skin.

 

You don't have to have an artificial scented tooth paste or mouth wash. In fact it is much better for you if you don't.

 

I have found a deodorant for my oldest ds that is scent free and works. I use coconut oil mixed with aluminum free baking soda. It is wonderful!

 

I could go on but our family is clean, I keep a relatively clean house and we do it without all the scents that many think is necessary. It can be done and is not only a great blessing to those that are majorly sensitive but it is so much more healthy for you and your family.

 

I truly am waiting for the day when scented items are treated like cigarettes as I believe they are just as dangerous.

[Unicorn.]

Sadly my biggest cause of puking is apparently the world's favorite flavor and scent - mint.

 

I cannot be around mint without getting headaches, nausea, and puking if I can't get away fast enough. Toothpaste, gum, holidays can be brutal bc peppermint is everywhere!

 

Oh, I am so sorry. For me it's vanilla. I thought the world scent was vanilla. It's in every public bathroom in America, and in everyone's home. :tongue_smilie: My sister has finally learned (after many, many years), not to burn vanilla candles before/during family gatherings at her house. Luckily I don't puke, but I do have trouble breathing and get migraines.

[Chris in VA]

Speaking as a mother of anaphylactic and asthmatic children, and the wife of a very scent-sensitive dh (I think I just about killed him with my perfume in our early years!! I gave up perfume...), I would just leave it alone for now. Let the DW keep her dignity - she has already tried to talk to PW, and has backed off - probably not wanting to cause inconvenience.

 

...

 

Yes, that's what I'm going to do. It's not a "get nauseated" response, it's an "I can't breathe" response, and she needs to do what she needs to do.

 

I have to say I am pretty ticked at my good friend for just thinking it's a little thing, and for not accommodating her. :tongue_smilie:

 

Ah, well. I was worried that the sensitive woman wouldn't like Beth Moore--she plans to continue the study on her own. Guess I was worried about the wrong thing! LOL

[OnTheBrink]

Oh, I am so sorry. For me it's vanilla. I thought the world scent was vanilla. It's in every public bathroom in America, and in everyone's home. :tongue_smilie: My sister has finally learned (after many, many years), not to burn vanilla candles before/during family gatherings at her house. Luckily I don't puke, but I do have trouble breathing and get migraines.

 

I hate the smell of vanilla, too. I don't have breathing issues with it, but I do sometimes have breathing issues if there are many candles lit in a confined area.

[Garga]

The OP's situation sounds very annoying.

 

Woman A says, "I have bad reactions to perfume. Can you not wear it to the meetings?"

 

Woman B is put off center and responds poorly. Was she REALLY offended? We don't know. Maybe she just frowned and looked funny because she was processing what was said.

 

Woman A then retreats into a shell, won't come to the meetings anymore, and won't even allow the leader to say, "Hey guys! Some of us here have reactions to perfume. Let's all make a point not to wear it to the meetings."

 

I don't know if Woman B meant to be mean about it or not, but Woman A isn't even giving Woman B a chance to be gracious.

 

Can you tell that it's a personal pet peeve of mine when women do that thing where they get sooooooo non-confrontational that they turn into martyrs. "No, no. I will just sit alone at home because someone gave me a funny look. It's ok. I'll be alright...all alone and pathetic."

 

Ok--I'm probably reading too much into it...but it is a personal pet peeve. I have some friends who do that and I think they call it passive-aggressiveness.

 

 

OR, maybe Woman B was overtly rude and intended to be nasty about it and really hurt Woman A. Who knows?!?

[Unicorn.]

But woman A did try and talk to woman B... And it wasn't just a minor inconvience. I wouldn't consider woman A being passive aggressive in this case. Scents can cause severe asthma attacks. Sometimes it just isn't worth the risk... jmho

 

 

 

[quote name=Chris in VA;2353400

She said she has talked to the person (who is a good friend of mine) and the person kinda seemed highly annoyed and didn't really say anything back. .

 

 

I don't know if Woman B meant to be mean about it or not' date=' but Woman A isn't even giving Woman B a chance to be gracious.

 

Can you tell that it's a personal pet peeve of mine when women do that thing where they get sooooooo non-confrontational that they turn into martyrs. "No, no. I will just sit alone at home because someone gave me a funny look. It's ok. I'll be alright...all alone and pathetic."

 

Ok--I'm probably reading too much into it...but it is a personal pet peeve. I have some friends who do that and I think they call it passive-aggressiveness.

 

 

QUOTE]

[tex-mex]

The OP's situation sounds very annoying.

 

Woman A says, "I have bad reactions to perfume. Can you not wear it to the meetings?"

 

Woman B is put off center and responds poorly. Was she REALLY offended? We don't know. Maybe she just frowned and looked funny because she was processing what was said.

 

Woman A then retreats into a shell, won't come to the meetings anymore, and won't even allow the leader to say, "Hey guys! Some of us here have reactions to perfume. Let's all make a point not to wear it to the meetings."

 

I don't know if Woman B meant to be mean about it or not, but Woman A isn't even giving Woman B a chance to be gracious.

 

Can you tell that it's a personal pet peeve of mine when women do that thing where they get sooooooo non-confrontational that they turn into martyrs. "No, no. I will just sit alone at home because someone gave me a funny look. It's ok. I'll be alright...all alone and pathetic."

 

Ok--I'm probably reading too much into it...but it is a personal pet peeve. I have some friends who do that and I think they call it passive-aggressiveness.

 

 

OR, maybe Woman B was overtly rude and intended to be nasty about it and really hurt Woman A. Who knows?!?

:iagree: Woman A did come across as a martyr in my eyes. Regardless of how Woman B handled it, Woman A should have at least attended one more meeting with the leader trying to make it work. Even if she only stayed for 10 minutes, kwim? I'm all for making it work. But this sounded like Woman A is being passive-aggressive.

 

Speaking this from an immuno-POV. Son and I have a rare liver disease and our immune systems are compromised. A simple cold and flu can put us in the hospital. But, we both are mortified to declare in a group setting our dictates (i.e. no one with a runny nose, wash hands, feverish, etc) NOT attend the gathering. Quite simply, son and I stay home during cold/flu season (another reason we homeschool) and avoid social situations where ill folks mingle. But to put the group leader in a worry over it? Hmmmm. A bit much.

 

However, we do get-to-gethers with friends (who ALREADY know our immune system is compromised) and they do take care not to visit or have us over if they are sick. But I would never expect a group of strangers to cater to my request. I just avoid the meeting and stay home.

[Mejane]

 

Can you tell that it's a personal pet peeve of mine when women do that thing where they get sooooooo non-confrontational that they turn into martyrs. "No, no. I will just sit alone at home because someone gave me a funny look. It's ok. I'll be alright...all alone and pathetic."

 

 

 

 

:lol: So true. Men don't do this, do they?

[Murphy101]

Ack. When they say bath in it, sometimes they really do.

 

Dh's grandmother would buy the full line of her favorite perfume. The bath soap, the spray, the body powder, the lotion,... Every form it came in. And she used them ALL. Shower in it, step out and use lotion, then body powder, get dressed and spritz. She thought ALL women did that. And in her day, they might have if they could afford it.

[Mommy22alyns]

:iagree: And, I'm getting a little tired of making everyone accomodate one or two people. I think those one or two people should be making some compromise, as well. It doesn't generally work that way, though. The zero tolerance on scent is just as bad as the zero tolerance policies in schools.

 

Oh my goodness - we need the "standing up and applauding" smilie! Thank you for saying this, I completely agree!

[Tammyla]

Yep...I just had a guest leave, and my kids were upstairs the whole time. She left and dd came down, and asked..."Why are the windows open, and what is that smell?"

 

If you leave and someone can still smell you 10 minutes later, you may be wearing too much.

 

My guest was really nice, but I have a headache and the windows open. It just happens to be 10'F. She must have used the entire line of her favorite perfume.

 

=Martha;2354413]Ack. When they say bath in it, sometimes they really do.

 

Dh's grandmother would buy the full line of her favorite perfume. The bath soap, the spray, the body powder, the lotion,... Every form it came in. And she used them ALL. Shower in it, step out and use lotion, then body powder, get dressed and spritz. She thought ALL women did that. And in her day, they might have if they could afford it.

[Colleen in NS]

Woman A then retreats into a shell, won't come to the meetings anymore, and won't even allow the leader to say, "Hey guys! Some of us here have reactions to perfume. Let's all make a point not to wear it to the meetings."

 

I don't know if Woman B meant to be mean about it or not, but Woman A isn't even giving Woman B a chance to be gracious.

 

Who knows?!?

 

Chris knows - she knows both women.

 

It can be difficult at times to know when to pursue a solution after already trying once, and when to retreat so you don't cause inconvenience. It all depends on the people you are dealing with.

[Peela]

DH is scent sensitive and I haven't always been empathic to him. I remember once I picked a huge bunch of lanvender when we were on holidays somewhere. On the way home in the car he had a major asthma attack. He has also had asthma attacks from breathing in washing powder when it spilt and a puff when into the air.

SOmehow he handles incense, but not any type of chemical perfume, and generally, nothing else thats strong, either.

However, it has improved over the years to the point where now I can burn good quality essential oils- certain ones- and as long as he doesnt come too close he can handle them.

 

It does seem to be a huge issue. I remember my stepmum also getting all in a huff at being asked not to wear perfumes because of dh's sensitivity. However..over the years since then, she doesnt seem to wear perfume aroudn dh (not that she sees him often).

 

I would say something to the whole group about it, in general terms. Its time people at least becamse aware of the issue and how it affects others. It seems hypocritical to me to be doing a Bible study group and not care about someone's suffering, which is preventable at very little genuine inconvenience. It should be up front and out in the open- not to make anyone feel guilty, just to make everyone aware.

[Laura Corin]

My husband is scent-sensitive and it is VERY difficult to find deoderant for him that is unscented. I've had to go to multiple stores to find one with it in stock. Luckily, he can handle "faint" scents on me (vanilla, apple, etc) because I'm not sure I've ever seen unscented female stuff

 

 

I think it's for women - I use it.

 

Laura

[Laura Corin]

:iagree: I can go without perfume, no problem. But unscented, completely? I'm sure there are things I use without hesitation that have some scent.

 

But they can be quite pungent to others. I don't have any chemical sensitivities, but I prefer to use mostly unscented products. Hobbes brought home a classmate's shirt by accident, so I washed it to return to him. After washing I put it into the dryer. An overwhelming scent came out of the dryer, left over from the previous wash/dry. This was a shirt that had been worn for playing hockey, and it was still highly scented after being washed.

 

Laura

[Colleen in NS]

I would say something to the whole group about it, in general terms. Its time people at least becamse aware of the issue and how it affects others. It seems hypocritical to me to be doing a Bible study group and not care about someone's suffering, which is preventable at very little genuine inconvenience. It should be up front and out in the open- not to make anyone feel guilty, just to make everyone aware.

 

And this is the kind of thing I wait for others to say to me - *then* I know that they won't mind the inconvenience of working with my family's needs, and I can say, "Thanks, we'd love to accept your invitation...would you mind putting the scented candles away for the day?" It's not "passive-aggressive" - it's waiting to see who won't mind the "inconvenience" and then gratefully accepting their kindness. Chris's Dear Woman might be waiting to see, but she probably does not want to aggressively inconvenience anyone. Maybe one day she'll let Chris sensitively help her participate in this group.

Edited January 20, 2011 by Colleen in NS

[Laurie4b]

I

I get season tickets as a birthday present each year and sadly I have had to leave twice because of this when another season ticker holder shows up. I felt like someone was suffocating me with her smell and it took everything I had to get out of my center seat and to a restroom without barfing in a lap. :

 

Well, see there was your mistake. There was a lap right next to you where you could have barfed. Problem solved. ;)

[Murphy101]

Well, see there was your mistake. There was a lap right next to you where you could have barfed. Problem solved. ;)

 

Well I thought about when she appeared insulted by my nausea.:tongue_smilie:

 

I don't expect anyone to go unscented. I know that would double if not triple expenses for them sometimes and I sure understand practical family finances.

 

Also, unscented does not mean it doesn't smell. It just means they didn't ADD scent to it.

[Tap]

Can you start a Scent-Free group? I don't think you would be able to exclude all scents like shampoos, but excessive ones like perfume. I am guessing that anyone who can attend church in general must have a basic level of toleration. If you start a scent-free group, you may even get a few new members that have hidden out due to this. :D

 

A few basic rules may need to be established...ie coats stored outside the room (any lingering scents minimized), no perfume the day of class, no laundry freshly washed with fabric softener etc.

 

It would require a bit of forgiveness on everyone's part, for the occasional infraction, but it would be nice to try and accommodate others who are left out for this reason too.