How will you take care of your elderly parents?

[Hoggirl]

there certainly is a lot of pain in some of these stories. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: to those of you who have had such hurtful experiences.

 

My parents both died at the same time when I was 24. My perspective/life experience would make me deeply regret not having the opportunity to care for them as they aged. However, I do not think there is a one-answer-fits-all for these situations, and I would never presume that taking care of any parent should be deemed a "privilege." I hope I am making sense.

 

I have told my sil (dh's sister) that I will take mil, but she will have to take fil, 'cause there isn't enough Jack Daniels on this earth to sustain me through. :lol: Sorry. That's sounds crass, but it is true. My in-laws are in good financial shape, so I cannot imagine that we would ever need to take them in. But, I would (yes, both of them) if it were necessary. My sil lives closer to where they live, so I imagine more responsibility will fall on her by geographic proximity if nothing else. But, I plan to be there for them as much as I can when the time comes.

[foxbridgeacademy]

My sisters and I have talked about this actually. We fight over who gets them. Heck, I've told my dad he can live with me anytime (even though he is very grumpy:tongue_smilie:). I probably won't win Mom, she like/gets along with my youngest sister the best, but we'll see. I did not have agood relationship with my parents growing up, for various reasons. Since I've gotten older and they got divorced things have gotten 100 times better.

 

As for DH's parents we don't speak to them. If his dad needed care we would take him in, if it was his mom, I'd be willing to move her into a nursing home nearby. Luckily DH has a sister who was the "favorite" so I don't think we'll ever have to cross that bridge.

[Paige]

I have been trying to persuade my DH and BILs and SIL to purchase long term care insurance for my MIL. She has NO money and would not be happy living with any of us. I want her to be able to have a home health person come to enable her to live independently as long as possible or for her to choose to stay in a very nice assisted living home. I'm trying to persuade my parents to purchase their own insurance. I won't purchase it for them because they do have the money and we have to pay for MIL's if I can get everyone on board. We are military and move frequently and always far away from our families' homes so having them stay with us is not a good solution. DH's dad has plenty of money and will be able to make whatever arrangements he wants with no help.

[Julie Smith]

I have told my parents they had better find a nice old age home, because I would only find them a crocked one. :)

 

My MIL pasted away 6 years ago. My dh isn't close to his dad, and either am I. His sister is close to him and wants him to live with her.

 

When dh and I married I stated to them and my MIL (who I got along well with) that I wouldn't have them living with us.

 

I suppose what could help me feel less quilty about this (Mind you I don't feel quilty) is that my parents are very well saved up for retirement and only 60. My FIL is also financially fine. And if he runs into trouble I would have no problem if my hubby wants to fund his retirement. As it is we are paying 300 a month for him. He just thinks his room-mate just happens to do all the household chores and cooks all his meals.

 

My Mom use to work in old age homes. Sometimes she gets together with her siblings - 9 of them. The current plan is that they will all end up buying a house and turning it into a old age home for the group of them or just all living in the same old age home. So between my mom, and at least several siblings they will get lots of visitors.

 

They want to drink meal and sit around the table and "solve the words problems" everyday. ;)

[stripe]

Yep.

[annandatje]

Both sets of parents are deceased; our mothers died when both of us were very young adults. Husband's father died when husband was in college. My father died a few years ago.

 

Both husband and I have disabled siblings that we help care for; you know the old adage about the willing mule carrying the load. I hope we outlive both of our disabled siblings, so that our children do not inherit the responsibility.

 

However, I do worry sometimes about becoming a burden on my own children. Our financial planning has not turned out as well as we had hoped in spite of a lifetime of very frugal living.

[Mrs Mungo]

How my parents treated me will have little impact on how I care for them. My my parents are in their late fifties. my kids will be grown and dh will be retired before they are likely to need help. I expect to help them as needed.

[Slartibartfast]

My parents are still in the workforce and in their 50s. I think we have some time.

 

eta: Dh's parents are the same age as mine.

Edited August 17, 2011 by Sis

[butterflymommy]

My parents have made it clear that they don't wish to be cared for; furthermore my mother has specifically said that if she ever develops dementia she does not want her grandchildren to have contact with her, ever.

 

I don't know how realistic their desires are-- they are only in their 60s and not in the best of health. They are mobile and functional, but some days it seems just barely. I guess they will push the envelope as far and as long as they can. But I honestly think they would rather be in a nursing home than living with my sister or me. :001_huh: I would take them in, of course, if there were no other options, but it would not be a bed of roses for any of us.

[Caterpiller]

well lets see, Im 25 right now, my parents are 49 and 47. My MIL is 49 as well I believe. I think that my DHs dad is 51 and his dads wife is in her late 40s I think.

 

My dad unfortunatly has gone through all of the medical problems my great grandfather experienced before he died in his mid 50s. I am hoping that my dads great efforts have been enough and that he won't pass away as early as his grandpa did. My mom and dad have discussed my dads death and my mom has a plan for if he dies. She is going to move in with my grandma for as long as my grandma is around. I imagine they would rather live a lone if it came down to it. If we were able, I would like to live on the same property or be their neighbor when they are oldder, which is actually simular to the plan they have for their own parents. We will address it further if we loose one of them, or just as they get oldder. I have a brother, but I can't imagine him having his own life together well enough to care for our parents. FORTUNATLY my parents are still pretty young though, so everyone has a little time to grow up a little more.

 

My MIL has been saying "she's tired" for years, usually followed with something suicide related. :( :glare: We have done what we (all the family) can for her in terms of getting mental help but it boils down to the fact that she had a hard life and made some decisions she is having to live with now and its hard on her. She is obesse, smokes like a freight train, is unemployed and has to live with others. She lived with us for a few months but ran out on us and isn't welcome to live with us again though we do still have her over weekly. Her sister will likely continue to take care of her.

 

My FIL we rarely speak to. He lives across the country. He left DHs mom when DH was 1 or 2 years old. His dad got remarried pretty quickly and have a pre-teen daughter. His dad hasn't wanted much to do with us, but his STEP MOM has, which is odd. 0_0 She is our link to that family. Most likely she will go first. She has a lot of health issues. If FILs parents are any indication he is going to live forever. lol so I'm sure his daughter will handle his care. He is nice enough, but like I said he just isn't interested in us.

[Denisemomof4]

I brought my mother home after my dad died. I offered both of them to come live here. Dad had more than enough to add a little addition out back (and it would have been a HECK of a lot cheaper with MUCH better food than the upscale assisted living facility they moved into!) so they could have their privacy but he declined. He didn't want to do that to us.

 

My poor mother was a lot of work: end stage dementia, crippled and confined to a wheelchair due to Parkinsons, diabetes, ulcerative colitis. But I worked in nursing homes and I knew she was abused when she told me she was. I couldn't live with that. So I brought her home.

 

Growing up, dad and brother were close, mom and sister close. I was just kind of there. It was a very painful childhood. I truly didn't feel loved. The favoritism showed all the way until my parents died. It pierced my heart like a knife. Still, I'm so glad I did what I did.

 

I do think my parents probably felt I didn't need them or that my siblings did. Both were high maintenance ALWAYS and both were diagnosed with a mental illness as adults. But I know they tried with me when I was an adult. They did what they could. They did their best.

 

It hurt that they spent far more time with my sisters kids than mine, even though we lived 10 minutes away, sister an hour. I felt the pain off and on all my life but I chose not to allow it to consume me. I focused on being there fo rmy kids. I didn't tell them nana and papa weren't going to such and such but they did for my niece/nephew. :glare:

 

All that said, our relationship wasn't perfect but I did have one with them once I cut my sister out of my life. I was actually able to enjoy them on a level I never felt possible for the last 10 years of their lives.

 

So no, I didn't do this because of the relationship I always had with my parents.

 

In your situation, however, where you see them once every 4 or 5 years, no, if it were me, no..... I would not bring them into my home. It doesn't really sound like there IS a relationship there.

 

My mil is in a nursing home, one of those people who rarely get visitors or calls. She made her bed and now she's lying in it. She's always been mean, spiteful, bitter, resentful. She fought with EVERYONE, family, neighbors and friends, and she tried her hardest to pit everyone against each other. She was AWFUL NASTY to me, and she's d@mn lucky dh did everything for her that he always did. With almost never a thank you. SHE would never, ever be allowed to live in this house. It would have driven dh, the kids AND me absolutely insane. I think I would have become a drug addict.;)

 

You have to do what you feel is right. If I were in your shoes, though, I wouldn't consider having them move into my home.

[eternalknot]

I'm very close with my parents, both emotionally and geographically. So are a number of my siblings. I come from an ethnic culture where it's more common than not to have a filial responsibility to caring for one's elders. My family has always done this, and I imagine that won't end with my generation; my siblings and I will share care of our parents, typical of how we saw them caring for their own parents. I'll add that I come from a large family, so the burden will be spread out (even accounting for the random sibling who doesn't feel compelled to help, which -we don't have at this time, but- may or may not a contributing factor down the line). Not just my parents, but also aunts and uncles who never married and/or didn't have children.

 

I grew up in a multi-generational home, and my kids live in one as well. So living with my parents isn't an issue at all, healthy or sick, young or old. My parents are in their 50s, so we're going through this now with THEIR elders (my grandparents' generation). We've never sent any one to a long-term care facility, and have always had long-term and near-end care at home. Everyone has died at home. We're averaging 1 death per year over the past 10-11 years (my grandparents' siblings, their spouses, my parents' older siblings, their spouses). We've had dementia, Alzheimer's, strokes, cancer, leukemia, and plain ol' aging. With such a large family, we're able to accumulate resources and share work/careload so that no one person or family is overwhelmed. I think this is key in why it works for our family, but not for all families - especially smaller families.

 

I just posted to the "What was your worst job?" thread about the years I sold plasma. I did that during college to do my part in sending money home to care for my grandmother's sister. She was living with my parents and grandparents, and her Alzheimer's made it a real challenge to care for her. She required constant attention, so it was occasionally necessary to hire a private caregiver and nurse. I wasn't there to help physically, so I helped the only way I could: sending resources.

 

I'm not against care facilities in general, but I strongly feel that our family should consider that a no-option or a last-resort option. My husband's grandparents went to a care facility, and that's what worked best for their family dynamic; I know my family dynamics are different, and we'll approach this scenario differently. My in-laws would rather die than to live with me, but they know that I'd absolutely take them in and care for them as I would my own family -- even though there is animosity between us. Their plan thus far is to transition to a retirement community, then play it by ear from there; they consider it a personal failure (poor planning) to "have" to live with their children and they'd never "burden" (their words) their two kids with that. Their two kids share that perspective, and plan to simply send money to the care facility as needed. My husband has no expectations that our kids will contribute to his care.

 

I feel like I'm straddling a cultural divide, and I have no idea how my own children plan to care for me. Will they be old school, and follow our family's traditions? Or will they have acculturated to a more Western POV, and expect to be more hands-off in direct elderly care? I'm really curious to see how they'd treat me versus their father, just based on what they've seen each of us do with the elders in our respective families.

 

I made it clear before I married my husband that I was a package deal - family and all, for better or worse, in sickness and health, and all of that jazz. This was one thing I needed to know he was okay with before I committed to him, because I have never doubted that my parents' elder care would lie* with us (the kids), and most likely, to me (I'm *that one* in our family). He had to accept that up front; he did. We joke that his retirement plan are his pensions, whereas my retirement plan is our kids.

 

*is this correct? I can't ever remember lie/lay.