Moms of girls...HELP!!

[Nakia]

Ladies, I do not know what to do with my 10.5 year old. She has always been such an easy and compliant child. Make no mistake about it; she is as strong willed as they come and she has this temper...well, well suffice it to say, she gets it honest. But she has always been smart and thoughtful and well-behaved. She has never been naughty or whiny. She's mature for her age. She knows what she wants, and she goes for it, and it's mostly been such a joy to be her momma. I've never had to worry about her doing silly impulsive kid things.

 

Lately, though, omg. She has the worst attitude. Her anger has gone out the roof. She is so mad at me every day for one thing or another. She thinks she is treated unfairly. She cries at the drop of a hat, mostly from anger, and she has NEVER been a crier. She screams, yells, slams her door (and has now consequently, again, lost the privilege of shutting her door). She thinks her sisters are treated differently than she is. Well, they are. They are younger than her, and they are different than her. We had a long talk today about how each child is treated differently; not better or worse, just differently because they are different!! I know her little sisters annoy her. I was the oldest, but honestly, I adore(d) my little brothers. It's almost like she hates her sisters at times, especially Emma. And of course, Emma is sneaky and manipulative (and also kind and caring), and Cora tears up everything in her path (but is also joyful and funny), and I am dealing with those undesirable behaviors as well. But Anna thinks no one gets disciplined except for her.

 

I have prayed with and for her. I have talked to her. I have cried to myself for being a horrible mother because I lose my temper with her when she starts yelling, and I yell too. I don't know what to do. I try to model good behavior, but I'm far from perfect. I have talked to her about what to do when she feels angry. We have role played. Just a bit ago, she got furious with me because I asked her not to turn on the TV since we are getting ready to eat. She was fuming (this was after an ENTIRE day of attitude and anger from her). I calmly told her to take a shower immediately. She did so with a lot of stomping around first, and then when she got out, she was teary and hugged me and apologized. She always shows remorse and apologizes. She says she feels out of control when she gets angry. I know she has a beautiful and amazing personality. We just need to get a handle on this.

 

Is this hormones??? If so, I know it will only get worse! :( I'm afraid of ruining our relationship. During my teens is the time when my mother and I fought so much, and our relationship burned to ashes. I'm scared. I don't want Anna to be an angry person who thinks she is being shown injustice in everything. What in the world am I doing wrong? Can anyone offer me any advice?

 

Is there always something to work through with your children? I am working with Emma on not being a whiny manipulative girl who bats her eyes to get her way. I am trying to stop Cora from taking over the world. :lol: I'm tired.

 

At least right now, I can :lol:

[amy g.]

My 12 year old has always been my easiest child. At 10.5 she really took a turn for the worse.

 

I talked to her about her diet, and she started eating high quality protein with every meal, and the change in her behavior was immediate dramatic.

 

I'm still working with her to exercise outside every day. When she does both of those things, and gets a good night sleep, my darling good child is returned to me.

[justamouse]

But Anna thinks no one gets disciplined except for her.

 

 

It's SO HARD when their perceptions are skewed. Really.

 

First I would mirror (repeat back) what she says, "So you're saying____." and make sure you understand what it is she is trying to say. Ask her why she thinks so.

 

Ask her how she thinks you should have disciplined them. Ask them if she thinks that is an age appropriate discipline. Ask if she thinks it is appropriate for what the infraction was.

 

If it keeps going on, I would go to a counselor. Jealousy is SO HARD to deal with when it gets its toe in. It is The #1 thing I guard against as a mom of many and it's *so hard*.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Anne]

The hormones are so challenging! A health diet and plenty of exercise will help. I used to send one of mine outside to run up and down the driveway...she never wanted to go but life was always better when she returned!!

 

A daughter's adolescence will develop more patience in you than you wanted to acquire!! :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

Anne

[dcjlkplus3]

:grouphug:

My 9.5 year old dd is very similar. Mom has told me (as the mother of 4 girls) that this time leading up them getting their period is worse than once they do get it as far as the hormones are concerned. I have found that regularly feeding Princess Hormone helps, even when she would rather play.

[Chris in VA]

Yes, I think it is hormones. My Mary is going to be 11 in April, and she started in with the crying at nothing last spring. It has gotten much better--but yes, I think it is hormone related.

 

One thing that really helps around here (besides the protein, exercise, rest holy trinity of child behavior management! lol) is my limiting my critical words--she is sensitive to even jokey things lately, and I have to be really careful not to call attention to any kinds of greasy hair/stinkies/other imperfections.

 

Another thing is to do the Meyers-Briggs and figure out her type. You can do an online version for free, and it helps see ways of relating, personality traits, etc--offers a lot of insight. I found my son has a very well-developed sense of justice--sounds like your dd does, too.

[Joy at Home]

If there's one thing I see time and time again in my dc, it's waves of difficult behavior/out of sync from the norm that come throughout their childhood. I read a book years ago calling these periods of equalibrium/disequalibrium. What ages, frequency, extent, really depends on the child. Anytime I see my once content, happy child begin to show behavior out of character for her (short temper, no frustration tolerance, etc, etc) for a prolonged period of time, I know she is probably having growing pains. Fresh air, healthy diet, lots of sleep, and some time and patience, while continuing with boundaries and consequences for misbehavior will see her through.

 

I find that understanding this about my children, showing them lots of love and grace during these times, while still being firm about their behavior, has helped me be a more content mom and know there is a light at the end.

 

I hope things get better soon, Nakia. I know it's hard:grouphug:

 

Blessings,

Lisa

[Denise in Florida]

Mine weren't so much angry all the time, as they were cry at the drop of a hat girls.

 

Talk to them a lot, about anything, keep communications open not just for the 'serious' stuff.

 

Plan regular you and her times, even if it is just a few minutes each week while you run errands. My mom always drove me home from school on tues and thurs, I knew I would have her alone and focused so I could plan when I needed to discuss something.

 

 

 

I talked to her about her diet, and she started eating high quality protein with every meal, and the change in her behavior was immediate dramatic.

 

I'm still working with her to exercise outside every day. When she does both of those things, and gets a good night sleep, my darling good child is returned to me.

 

:iagree: A small burst of protein at bedtime (milk, cheese or peanut butter), helped her with the 'lie in bed and fret' times. Also, her pediatrician recommended daily B12 to stablize moods.

 

Good luck, I hope you find something in this thread that can work for you.

[LibraryLover]

I don't have any naturally compliant children. All of mine seem to be preparing for their own daytime courtroom show, where they are the judge who revels in lecturing the defendants and the plaintiffs.

 

As long as they keep themselves from being naked and raving on Jerry Springer, I'm good.

[Nakia]

My 12 year old has always been my easiest child. At 10.5 she really took a turn for the worse.

 

I talked to her about her diet, and she started eating high quality protein with every meal, and the change in her behavior was immediate dramatic.

 

I'm still working with her to exercise outside every day. When she does both of those things, and gets a good night sleep, my darling good child is returned to me.

 

The hormones are so challenging! A health diet and plenty of exercise will help. I used to send one of mine outside to run up and down the driveway...she never wanted to go but life was always better when she returned!!

 

A daughter's adolescence will develop more patience in you than you wanted to acquire!! :tongue_smilie:

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

Anne

 

I know protein is not the problem because she is my only protein lover, lol. It's true that lately with Christmas and my husband having surgery, we haven't been eating as healthy as we usually do. I was just thinking about that yesterday. I'm heading to the store tomorrow to stock back up. My pantry is running low. She gets around 11-12 hours of sleep every night. We are very big on sleep around here. And we have had three huge snowstorms here in the last months, so exercise has been few and far between. That could definitely be a factor.

 

It's SO HARD when their perceptions are skewed. Really.

 

First I would mirror (repeat back) what she says, "So you're saying____." and make sure you understand what it is she is trying to say. Ask her why she thinks so.

 

Ask her how she thinks you should have disciplined them. Ask them if she thinks that is an age appropriate discipline. Ask if she thinks it is appropriate for what the infraction was.

 

If it keeps going on, I would go to a counselor. Jealousy is SO HARD to deal with when it gets its toe in. It is The #1 thing I guard against as a mom of many and it's *so hard*.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

What you said about mirroring back to her makes sense, and I do that. She just says she is angry and I don't listen and "the little girls never get in trouble." I actually asked her today if she would like to talk to someone about it besides me. I mentioned our children pastor's wife, whom Anna is VERY close to. She said, "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? THAT WOULD EMBARRASS ME!!!" Of course, I don't want to embarrass her. If I do feel like she needs to see a counselor, we will try and find someone she doesn't know.

 

:grouphug:

My 9.5 year old dd is very similar. Mom has told me (as the mother of 4 girls) that this time leading up them getting their period is worse than once they do get it as far as the hormones are concerned. I have found that regularly feeding Princess Hormone helps, even when she would rather play.

 

So maybe we will get a reprieve? LOL!

 

Yes, I think it is hormones. My Mary is going to be 11 in April, and she started in with the crying at nothing last spring. It has gotten much better--but yes, I think it is hormone related.

 

One thing that really helps around here (besides the protein, exercise, rest holy trinity of child behavior management! lol) is my limiting my critical words--she is sensitive to even jokey things lately, and I have to be really careful not to call attention to any kinds of greasy hair/stinkies/other imperfections.

 

Another thing is to do the Meyers-Briggs and figure out her type. You can do an online version for free, and it helps see ways of relating, personality traits, etc--offers a lot of insight. I found my son has a very well-developed sense of justice--sounds like your dd does, too.

 

Do you know if there is a Meyers-Briggs in a simplified version for kids? Those tests are so long! I need to get out my book about love languages and see if I can figure out what hers is. I know Emma's is touch. I'm not sure about Cora. And I have tried to figure out Anna, but she is a tough one to crack.

[Nakia]

If there's one thing I see time and time again in my dc, it's waves of difficult behavior/out of sync from the norm that come throughout their childhood. I read a book years ago calling these periods of equalibrium/disequalibrium. What ages, frequency, extent, really depends on the child. Anytime I see my once content, happy child begin to show behavior out of character for her (short temper, no frustration tolerance, etc, etc) for a prolonged period of time, I know she is probably having growing pains. Fresh air, healthy diet, lots of sleep, and some time and patience, while continuing with boundaries and consequences for misbehavior will see her through.

 

I find that understanding this about my children, showing them lots of love and grace during these times, while still being firm about their behavior, has helped me be a more content mom and know there is a light at the end.

 

I hope things get better soon, Nakia. I know it's hard:grouphug:

 

Blessings,

Lisa

 

Thank you, Lisa. That is really helpful. I think it's almost more difficult for me to show her grace because she is usually so compliant. That doesn't even make sense, does it? I guess I just expect more from her. Grace and love, grace and love, grace and love. I will keep repeating that.

 

Mine weren't so much angry all the time, as they were cry at the drop of a hat girls.

 

Talk to them a lot, about anything, keep communications open not just for the 'serious' stuff.

 

Plan regular you and her times, even if it is just a few minutes each week while you run errands. My mom always drove me home from school on tues and thurs, I knew I would have her alone and focused so I could plan when I needed to discuss something.

 

Good luck, I hope you find something in this thread that can work for you.

 

Regarding the bolded: I really do need to work on that. It's hard because my husband works all week, and I work all weekend. But I just need to make it a priority. One thing that we are looking forward to is a new group for girls in grades 4-6 and their moms at church. I think that will be really nice.

 

I don't have any naturally compliant children. All of mine seem to be preparing for their own daytime courtroom show, where they are the judge who revels in lecturing the defendants and the plaintiffs.

 

As long as they keep themselves from being naked and raving on Jerry Springer, I'm good.

 

I understand that too. I swear Cora is going to try and take over the world one day.

[i.love.lucy]

Ladies, I do not know what to do with my 10.5 year old. She has always been such an easy and compliant child. Make no mistake about it; she is as strong willed as they come and she has this temper...well, well suffice it to say, she gets it honest. But she has always been smart and thoughtful and well-behaved. She has never been naughty or whiny. She's mature for her age. She knows what she wants, and she goes for it, and it's mostly been such a joy to be her momma. I've never had to worry about her doing silly impulsive kid things.

 

Lately, though, omg. She has the worst attitude. Her anger has gone out the roof. She is so mad at me every day for one thing or another. She thinks she is treated unfairly. She cries at the drop of a hat, mostly from anger, and she has NEVER been a crier. She screams, yells, slams her door (and has now consequently, again, lost the privilege of shutting her door). She thinks her sisters are treated differently than she is. Well, they are. They are younger than her, and they are different than her. We had a long talk today about how each child is treated differently; not better or worse, just differently because they are different!! I know her little sisters annoy her. I was the oldest, but honestly, I adore(d) my little brothers. It's almost like she hates her sisters at times, especially Emma. And of course, Emma is sneaky and manipulative (and also kind and caring), and Cora tears up everything in her path (but is also joyful and funny), and I am dealing with those undesirable behaviors as well. But Anna thinks no one gets disciplined except for her.

 

I have prayed with and for her. I have talked to her. I have cried to myself for being a horrible mother because I lose my temper with her when she starts yelling, and I yell too. I don't know what to do. I try to model good behavior, but I'm far from perfect. I have talked to her about what to do when she feels angry. We have role played. Just a bit ago, she got furious with me because I asked her not to turn on the TV since we are getting ready to eat. She was fuming (this was after an ENTIRE day of attitude and anger from her). I calmly told her to take a shower immediately. She did so with a lot of stomping around first, and then when she got out, she was teary and hugged me and apologized. She always shows remorse and apologizes. She says she feels out of control when she gets angry. I know she has a beautiful and amazing personality. We just need to get a handle on this.

 

Is this hormones??? If so, I know it will only get worse! :( I'm afraid of ruining our relationship. During my teens is the time when my mother and I fought so much, and our relationship burned to ashes. I'm scared. I don't want Anna to be an angry person who thinks she is being shown injustice in everything. What in the world am I doing wrong? Can anyone offer me any advice?

Oh. my. goodness. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I highlighted the particularly EXACT things we're going through here with my 10.5 year old. These last couple of months have been especially hard. I don't have any advice other than what I plan to do:

* continue to insist on respect and obedience, otherwise serious appropriate consequences

* work on controlling my reactions to her behavior better. No showing anger or allowing her to get to me. I have a short temper myself and tend to lash out when she pushes my buttons.

* find ways to have special time alone so she feels special and treated as the older one with a few more priveledges

* work on mirroring her comments so she feels "heard"

* engage her in some decision making so she feels less out of control of her environment. Simple things like letting her pick what we have for dinner, and then helping. Letting her have more choice in clothes, even sequence of school work (within reason).

 

:grouphug: We sure need a lot of grace. I'm scared of our relationship deteriorating too. It's up to us as the adults to fix it. Think about what your mom did wrong/ or what you wish she would have done differently and do that. Maybe?

 

:grouphug:

[Joy at Home]

Thank you, Lisa. That is really helpful. I think it's almost more difficult for me to show her grace because she is usually so compliant. That doesn't even make sense, does it? I guess I just expect more from her. Grace and love, grace and love, grace and love. I will keep repeating that. .

 

Yes, it's almost harder when they were so good before:001_smile: It was also hard for me to NOT take it personally.

 

 

I swear Cora is going to try and take over the world one day.

 

 

:D Yes, I just have to believe the strong personalities will serve them well later in life. Strong, independent women unite!

 

Blessings,

Lisa

[bluemongoose]

TI think it's almost more difficult for me to show her grace because she is usually so compliant. That doesn't even make sense, does it? I guess I just expect more from her. Grace and love, grace and love, grace and love. I will keep repeating that.

 

Your DD sounds exactly how I was as a teen. I was always so good and so compliant, and my parents expected a ton from me because they know I could hack it! But then the hormones kicked in and I had trouble keeping it together. I felt so much pressure from them to be so good, though I think the pressure was often self inflicted. It did feel like I was in trouble more than the rest of my siblings. I was also the oldest. A few things led into this type of thinking:

 

1. My sisters and brothers who were quite a bit younger thought it was great fun to pick on me or do things on purpose that they knew would bug me to cause me to lose it. Before the hormone thing happened I could shrug it off, but after...not so much. So then I was getting in trouble because I was the one who exploded. It made me even more angry when my parents said things about how I was older, how I should let it roll off my back, that they were younger etc. I was trying to deal with a time-bomb within and my parents were allowing my siblings to light matches next to me and giggle about the reaction and then relish in my getting into trouble. I did feel it was unfair to be the one punished.

 

2. I became very sensitive, and when I got angry at teasing comments I got in trouble for "blowing things out of proportion".

 

3. If I upset my mom and she started yelling and I yelled back, then I got into trouble again.

 

All of this happening at the same time, when I was so good before at self control, now I felt so out of control, like nobody understood, and like I was always into trouble. It was also hard, because the compliant child was still inside, wanting to be compliant of course, and all I could see was how my parents disproved of my hormonal behavior, and I couldnt control it! I felt like they didnt like me as much anymore, now that I couldnt be how I was before. And I really did feel like I was the one who was always in trouble, the problem child that made their lives the most difficult, and being their first, they thought so too at the time....then my sister became a teen ;). They then realized I was not so bad for a teenager after all!:lol:

 

edited to add: "getting into trouble" for a compliant child (at least this former compliant child) did not simply mean I lost TV time or the privilege of hanging out with friends or something. "Getting into trouble" was any displeasure seen from my parents. I knew that they counted on me to be that strong, reliable girl. It might be that she does feel that she is being disciplined more because she is sensitive to displeasing you. So the very fact that my parents were frustrated at my behavior did make me feel constantly disciplined...and so in this sense I was being disciplined more than my siblings. They were not going through what I was at the time, and my parents were not feeling the same about their behavior as they were about mine at that moment. Hopefully this is not so rambly that it makes no sense!

Edited January 18, 2011 by bluemongoose

[Mommyfaithe]

:grouphug:

My 9.5 year old dd is very similar. Mom has told me (as the mother of 4 girls) that this time leading up them getting their period is worse than once they do get it as far as the hormones are concerned. I have found that regularly feeding Princess Hormone helps, even when she would rather play.

 

Yep...hormones.....UGH! It does get better once they figure it out and you realize what is happening. Chocolate helps too....for both of you.:grouphug:

Faithe

[Nakia]

Oh. my. goodness. GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I highlighted the particularly EXACT things we're going through here with my 10.5 year old. These last couple of months have been especially hard. I don't have any advice other than what I plan to do:

* continue to insist on respect and obedience, otherwise serious appropriate consequences

* work on controlling my reactions to her behavior better. No showing anger or allowing her to get to me. I have a short temper myself and tend to lash out when she pushes my buttons.

* find ways to have special time alone so she feels special and treated as the older one with a few more priveledges

* work on mirroring her comments so she feels "heard"

* engage her in some decision making so she feels less out of control of her environment. Simple things like letting her pick what we have for dinner, and then helping. Letting her have more choice in clothes, even sequence of school work (within reason).

 

We sure need a lot of grace. I'm scared of our relationship deteriorating too. It's up to us as the adults to fix it. Think about what your mom did wrong/ or what you wish she would have done differently and do that. Maybe?

 

:grouphug:

 

Looks like we have the same plans! I really need to work harder on the ones I bolded. Thank you!!

 

Yes, it's almost harder when they were so good before:001_smile: It was also hard for me to NOT take it personally.

 

:D Yes, I just have to believe the strong personalities will serve them well later in life. Strong, independent women unite!

 

Blessings,

Lisa

 

Exactly!!

 

Your DD sounds exactly how I was as a teen. I was always so good and so compliant, and my parents expected a ton from me because they know I could hack it! But then the hormones kicked in and I had trouble keeping it together. I felt so much pressure from them to be so good, though I think the pressure was often self inflicted. It did feel like I was in trouble more than the rest of my siblings. I was also the oldest. A few things led into this type of thinking:

 

1. My sisters and brothers who were quite a bit younger thought it was great fun to pick on me or do things on purpose that they knew would bug me to cause me to lose it. Before the hormone thing happened I could shrug it off, but after...not so much. So then I was getting in trouble because I was the one who exploded. It made me even more angry when my parents said things about how I was older, how I should let it roll off my back, that they were younger etc. I was trying to deal with a time-bomb within and my parents were allowing my siblings to light matches next to me and giggle about the reaction and then relish in my getting into trouble. I did feel it was unfair to be the one punished.

 

2. I became very sensitive, and when I got angry at teasing comments I got in trouble for "blowing things out of proportion".

 

3. If I upset my mom and she started yelling and I yelled back, then I got into trouble again.

 

All of this happening at the same time, when I was so good before at self control, now I felt so out of control, like nobody understood, and like I was always into trouble. It was also hard, because the compliant child was still inside, wanting to be compliant of course, and all I could see was how my parents disproved of my hormonal behavior, and I couldnt control it! I felt like they didnt like me as much anymore, now that I couldnt be how I was before. And I really did feel like I was the one who was always in trouble, the problem child that made their lives the most difficult, and being their first, they thought so too at the time....then my sister became a teen ;). They then realized I was not so bad for a teenager after all!:lol:

 

I totally get what you are saying. I am so glad you posted!! It's nice to read it from an adult who has btdt as a child. I haven't ever told her that, because she is older, she needs to let stuff roll off her back. I know you weren't saying I had. ;) I feel like her sisters (especially the middle) provoke her a lot. But I DON'T let them by with it. Anna thinks I do though. I prefer to deal with their issues/discipline problems privately, so of course, Anna doesn't know what I say to Emma. She is just convinced Emma gets by with everything. Emma isn't a screamer; she's a crier, which is a whole 'nother issue, lol.

 

So what do you think would have been helpful for you during that time? Is there anything else I can be doing?

 

Yep...hormones.....UGH! It does get better once they figure it out and you realize what is happening. Chocolate helps too....for both of you.:grouphug:

Faithe

 

Yes, we need chocolate!!! :D

[cin]

I don't have any naturally compliant children. All of mine seem to be preparing for their own daytime courtroom show, where they are the judge who revels in lecturing the defendants and the plaintiffs.

 

As long as they keep themselves from being naked and raving on Jerry Springer, I'm good.

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5:

 

 

I have one just like that.

[cin]

My 9 yr old mild aspie is gonna be put on the pill when she hits 12, no matter what. Otherwise, one of us will be dead before she hits 13. Me being on the pill without a break is the only thing that's keeping them alive right now as it is. (PMS over the top and SEVERE cramps.)

[bluemongoose]

I totally get what you are saying. I am so glad you posted!! It's nice to read it from an adult who has btdt as a child. I haven't ever told her that, because she is older, she needs to let stuff roll off her back. I know you weren't saying I had. ;) I feel like her sisters (especially the middle) provoke her a lot. But I DON'T let them by with it. Anna thinks I do though. I prefer to deal with their issues/discipline problems privately, so of course, Anna doesn't know what I say to Emma. She is just convinced Emma gets by with everything. Emma isn't a screamer; she's a crier, which is a whole 'nother issue, lol.

 

So what do you think would have been helpful for you during that time? Is there anything else I can be doing?

 

 

 

I definitely was only saying what was in my experience, not saying that you said that kind of stuff.

 

Some things I think might have helped:

 

1. My mom sitting me down and explaining hormones and how they can make you feel out of control. That she did understand what I was going through, and that she still loved me and felt that I was a good kid and someone she wanted to be around. And maybe give me some ideas as to how to deal with these new emotions that I had, in ways that would not get me into trouble. Such as telling me it was ok to go to my room if I was about to lose it.

 

2. Making my room (does she have her own) my own. With the right to not allow my siblings in. This would have given me a place to calm down without being provoked further.

 

3. My parents stepping in before I blew up would have been nice. They seemed to turn a blind eye until they heard me blow up. It would have helped me see the provoker sent to their room. I would have felt less like the one in trouble all the time if this had happened, and if nothing was said to me, I would have felt like my parents had my back. If the provoker was dismissed from everyones presence before I lost my control, rather than me being dismissed after losing my cool. Plus it was embarrassing when I lost it. It would not have made a difference to me what my parents actually said to my sibling when they went to talk to them in their room, more just that they were the ones who were removed for their unpleasant behavior.

 

4. My parents, and especially my mom, spending more one on one time with me. Both my parents worked, so they had little time to do this, but during this time they didnt do it at all. I felt that I was such an intolerable person that they didnt want to hang out with me at all. Any time would have been great.

 

5. It would have been nice to have some sort of code with my mom for her to cue me that I might need to go calm down. Something that we agreed upon that I would know that I was not in trouble when she gave me the code, that she did love me, but that she understood that I was getting a bit worked up and needed a bit of time. Also that she would understand that if I said the code to her, that she would release me to my room. This would have been especially nice in situations where mom and I were in a disagreement. If I tried to remove myself before I lost control and yelled back at my mom, she saw it as a sign of disrespect, but when forced to stay, I would yell back and then be punished for yelling at mom and being disrespectful!

Edited January 18, 2011 by bluemongoose

[myfunnybunch]

I have prayed with and for her. I have talked to her. I have cried to myself for being a horrible mother because I lose my temper with her when she starts yelling, and I yell too. I don't know what to do. I try to model good behavior, but I'm far from perfect. I have talked to her about what to do when she feels angry. We have role played. Just a bit ago, she got furious with me because I asked her not to turn on the TV since we are getting ready to eat. She was fuming (this was after an ENTIRE day of attitude and anger from her). I calmly told her to take a shower immediately. She did so with a lot of stomping around first, and then when she got out, she was teary and hugged me and apologized. She always shows remorse and apologizes. She says she feels out of control when she gets angry. I know she has a beautiful and amazing personality. We just need to get a handle on this.

 

You are a good momma. :grouphug: She came to YOU in tears because she loves you and she knows you'll hold her together. Because of all of those things you're doing to guide her, you will have a lovely relationship. You see her amazing and beautiful personality, you provide boundaries and consequences, and you're listening to what she says.

 

My daughters were helped tremendously by being reminded periodically that hormones really can make us feel like we're out of control emotionally. Of course, I made it clear that it was never an excuse for behaving badly, but just having an explanation helped.

 

:grouphug: Hang in there. Keep loving your girl.

 

Cat

[love2read]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I've gone through puberty with half a dozen dd so far and while it has been rough with several of them, it was hardest with the one who started before she was a teen. What has worked best for me is to not become engaged with the emotional response. Don't take anything personal and remember, it's her hormones talking. I usually say nothing during outbursts. Listen and comfort if she's not being rude (even if she's hysterical). Usually this stage does not want or like advice, so try to sneak it in indirectly at a later time. Often these outbursts happen when the girls are have had too much sugar, which they crave, or when she is tired. For that reason when an outburst turns ugly I'll send her to her room until she cools down and often she'll fall asleep, even at 10 in the morning. I've seen this same pattern over and over with different dd, so be assured you will both get beyond this stage and have a loving relationship.

[i.love.lucy]

Your DD sounds exactly how I was as a teen. I was always so good and so compliant, and my parents expected a ton from me because they know I could hack it! But then the hormones kicked in and I had trouble keeping it together. I felt so much pressure from them to be so good, though I think the pressure was often self inflicted. It did feel like I was in trouble more than the rest of my siblings. I was also the oldest. A few things led into this type of thinking:

 

1. My sisters and brothers who were quite a bit younger thought it was great fun to pick on me or do things on purpose that they knew would bug me to cause me to lose it. Before the hormone thing happened I could shrug it off, but after...not so much. So then I was getting in trouble because I was the one who exploded. It made me even more angry when my parents said things about how I was older, how I should let it roll off my back, that they were younger etc. I was trying to deal with a time-bomb within and my parents were allowing my siblings to light matches next to me and giggle about the reaction and then relish in my getting into trouble. I did feel it was unfair to be the one punished.

 

2. I became very sensitive, and when I got angry at teasing comments I got in trouble for "blowing things out of proportion".

 

3. If I upset my mom and she started yelling and I yelled back, then I got into trouble again.

 

All of this happening at the same time, when I was so good before at self control, now I felt so out of control, like nobody understood, and like I was always into trouble. It was also hard, because the compliant child was still inside, wanting to be compliant of course, and all I could see was how my parents disproved of my hormonal behavior, and I couldnt control it! I felt like they didnt like me as much anymore, now that I couldnt be how I was before. And I really did feel like I was the one who was always in trouble, the problem child that made their lives the most difficult, and being their first, they thought so too at the time....then my sister became a teen ;). They then realized I was not so bad for a teenager after all!:lol:

 

edited to add: "getting into trouble" for a compliant child (at least this former compliant child) did not simply mean I lost TV time or the privilege of hanging out with friends or something. "Getting into trouble" was any displeasure seen from my parents. I knew that they counted on me to be that strong, reliable girl. It might be that she does feel that she is being disciplined more because she is sensitive to displeasing you. So the very fact that my parents were frustrated at my behavior did make me feel constantly disciplined...and so in this sense I was being disciplined more than my siblings. They were not going through what I was at the time, and my parents were not feeling the same about their behavior as they were about mine at that moment. Hopefully this is not so rambly that it makes no sense!

 

I definitely was only saying what was in my experience, not saying that you said that kind of stuff.

 

Some things I think might have helped:

 

1. My mom sitting me down and explaining hormones and how they can make you feel out of control. That she did understand what I was going through, and that she still loved me and felt that I was a good kid and someone she wanted to be around. And maybe give me some ideas as to how to deal with these new emotions that I had, in ways that would not get me into trouble. Such as telling me it was ok to go to my room if I was about to lose it.

 

2. Making my room (does she have her own) my own. With the right to not allow my siblings in. This would have given me a place to calm down without being provoked further.

 

3. My parents stepping in before I blew up would have been nice. They seemed to turn a blind eye until they heard me blow up. It would have helped me see the provoker sent to their room. I would have felt less like the one in trouble all the time if this had happened, and if nothing was said to me, I would have felt like my parents had my back. If the provoker was dismissed from everyones presence before I lost my control, rather than me being dismissed after losing my cool. Plus it was embarrassing when I lost it. It would not have made a difference to me what my parents actually said to my sibling when they went to talk to them in their room, more just that they were the ones who were removed for their unpleasant behavior.

 

4. My parents, and especially my mom, spending more one on one time with me. Both my parents worked, so they had little time to do this, but during this time they didnt do it at all. I felt that I was such an intolerable person that they didnt want to hang out with me at all. Any time would have been great.

 

5. It would have been nice to have some sort of code with my mom for her to cue me that I might need to go calm down. Something that we agreed upon that I would know that I was not in trouble when she gave me the code, that she did love me, but that she understood that I was getting a bit worked up and needed a bit of time. Also that she would understand that if I said the code to her, that she would release me to my room. This would have been especially nice in situations where mom and I were in a disagreement. If I tried to remove myself before I lost control and yelled back at my mom, she saw it as a sign of disrespect, but when forced to stay, I would yell back and then be punished for yelling at mom and being disrespectful!

Wow. Can I just say thank you so much for posting all of this. I have no recollection whatsoever of being 10 or 11, so I don't know how to relate other than my current hormonal crazies with PMS and now perimenopause. I'm going to print out these two posts and use them as a catalyst for conversation with my dd. I see so much of her in what you said. I have done the "let it roll off your back" thing because she is super sensitive anyways and I thought that was a good tool to help her know that she can't let everything her brother or anyone does get to her. But maybe in doing that it's showing her that I am not validating her feelings enough. :grouphug: and thank you!

[Starr]

10 year olds need to be loved, valued and to know that parents are in control. It does not break your relationship or their spirit and it makes the teen years so much easier.

[Charles Wallace]

I'm sure that others may have suggested this, but have you thought about turning off the television, especially shows from Disney -- the iCarly or Hannah Montana type? In my experience, anyway, I see a dramatic shift in attitude from kids who watch a great deal of TV, particularly shows theoretically targeted toward them: a lot more eyerolling, "attitude" and disrespect to parents and authority figures, disdain for school, and so on.

 

I am (obviously) not her mom, nor am I at your house, et cetera, but that would be at least one possible source I would consider. Many girls that age are very, very concerned with "fitting in" and modeling themselves after older girls -- and the ones they see on television are right there, all the time.

 

Just a thought.

[Denisemomof4]

the *second* I saw your dd's age, I just knew what your post was going to be about. Why? I've gone through this three times now. I'm still in it as dd just turned 11. It is hormones. Her body is going through SO much right now. Even my boys went through this, and my oldest was THE EASIEST and GREATEST kid I've ever seen. Still, 10 was hard. There will be hard times that come and go for a time to come, too. Several people have warned me that teenage girls will be more difficult than teenage boys. I hope they're wrong.

 

My younger son is more tempermantal and we're teaching him to go for a walk or to do something physical when he gets REAL angry. It really does help and diffuses the situation at hand. He's really doing better now and will often just take it upon himself to go get his "energy" out. Is this something your dd can do? Or even the shower, maybe just some quiet time alone. It will take awhile for her to learn to do this on her own but if you can help her to do so, or ORDER her to when she's having a bad attitude, maybe it will help.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I know it's difficult. And yes, there will always be something to work on with your children. Maybe you need to take some quiet time to yourself. ;)

 

My time here has been spotty lately! I need to go find your post on dh's surgery. I'm sorry I missed it!!!

 

ETA: Why can't kids see things realistically these days? I just don't get it! I am often times baffled by this. I know how hard it is, but please don't get yourself worked up or feeling like you're doing something wrong because of your dd's perception. Maybe sometime when things are going real good you can have a good heart to heart with her. Do something special with her and try to understand why she feels as she does. This will give you an opportunity to share your side of things and maybe she will see more clearly when she's not in the midst of emotional turmoil.

Edited January 18, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Nakia]

I definitely was only saying what was in my experience, not saying that you said that kind of stuff.

 

Some things I think might have helped:

 

1. My mom sitting me down and explaining hormones and how they can make you feel out of control. That she did understand what I was going through, and that she still loved me and felt that I was a good kid and someone she wanted to be around. And maybe give me some ideas as to how to deal with these new emotions that I had, in ways that would not get me into trouble. Such as telling me it was ok to go to my room if I was about to lose it.

 

2. Making my room (does she have her own) my own. With the right to not allow my siblings in. This would have given me a place to calm down without being provoked further.

 

3. My parents stepping in before I blew up would have been nice. They seemed to turn a blind eye until they heard me blow up. It would have helped me see the provoker sent to their room. I would have felt less like the one in trouble all the time if this had happened, and if nothing was said to me, I would have felt like my parents had my back. If the provoker was dismissed from everyones presence before I lost my control, rather than me being dismissed after losing my cool. Plus it was embarrassing when I lost it. It would not have made a difference to me what my parents actually said to my sibling when they went to talk to them in their room, more just that they were the ones who were removed for their unpleasant behavior.

 

4. My parents, and especially my mom, spending more one on one time with me. Both my parents worked, so they had little time to do this, but during this time they didnt do it at all. I felt that I was such an intolerable person that they didnt want to hang out with me at all. Any time would have been great.

 

5. It would have been nice to have some sort of code with my mom for her to cue me that I might need to go calm down. Something that we agreed upon that I would know that I was not in trouble when she gave me the code, that she did love me, but that she understood that I was getting a bit worked up and needed a bit of time. Also that she would understand that if I said the code to her, that she would release me to my room. This would have been especially nice in situations where mom and I were in a disagreement. If I tried to remove myself before I lost control and yelled back at my mom, she saw it as a sign of disrespect, but when forced to stay, I would yell back and then be punished for yelling at mom and being disrespectful!

 

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to type all that out. #2 is really the only one I do consistently. I do think one reason she feels like she gets in trouble is because she is the one sent to her room. I hadn't thought about it like that before. Thank you!!!

 

You are a good momma. She came to YOU in tears because she loves you and she knows you'll hold her together. Because of all of those things you're doing to guide her, you will have a lovely relationship. You see her amazing and beautiful personality, you provide boundaries and consequences, and you're listening to what she says.

 

My daughters were helped tremendously by being reminded periodically that hormones really can make us feel like we're out of control emotionally. Of course, I made it clear that it was never an excuse for behaving badly, but just having an explanation helped.

 

:grouphug: Hang in there. Keep loving your girl.

 

Cat

 

Thank you, Cat, for such a sweet post.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I've gone through puberty with half a dozen dd so far and while it has been rough with several of them, it was hardest with the one who started before she was a teen. What has worked best for me is to not become engaged with the emotional response. Don't take anything personal and remember, it's her hormones talking. I usually say nothing during outbursts. Listen and comfort if she's not being rude (even if she's hysterical). Usually this stage does not want or like advice, so try to sneak it in indirectly at a later time. Often these outbursts happen when the girls are have had too much sugar, which they crave, or when she is tired. For that reason when an outburst turns ugly I'll send her to her room until she cools down and often she'll fall asleep, even at 10 in the morning. I've seen this same pattern over and over with different dd, so be assured you will both get beyond this stage and have a loving relationship.

 

I need to follow the advice to not become engaged. I know I do. I really need to stop taking it personally and fighting back. It makes it sooooo much worse!!! Thank you!!!

 

10 year olds need to be loved, valued and to know that parents are in control. It does not break your relationship or their spirit and it makes the teen years so much easier.

 

Thank you for the encouragement.

 

I'm sure that others may have suggested this, but have you thought about turning off the television, especially shows from Disney -- the iCarly or Hannah Montana type? In my experience, anyway, I see a dramatic shift in attitude from kids who watch a great deal of TV, particularly shows theoretically targeted toward them: a lot more eyerolling, "attitude" and disrespect to parents and authority figures, disdain for school, and so on.

 

I am (obviously) not her mom, nor am I at your house, et cetera, but that would be at least one possible source I would consider. Many girls that age are very, very concerned with "fitting in" and modeling themselves after older girls -- and the ones they see on television are right there, all the time.

 

Just a thought.

 

My kids watch very little TV, and it's mostly animal planet or a DVD when they do. I detest all those Disney shows targeted toward preteens. I have let them watch them though, especially with all the snow and my husband's surgery. It's been hard to stay on track lately. I will pay more attention to that. Thanks for pointing it out!

 

the *second* I saw your dd's age, I just knew what your post was going to be about. Why? I've gone through this three times now. I'm still in it as dd just turned 11. It is hormones. Her body is going through SO much right now. Even my boys went through this, and my oldest was THE EASIEST and GREATEST kid I've ever seen. Still, 10 was hard. There will be hard times that come and go for a time to come, too. Several people have warned me that teenage girls will be more difficult than teenage boys. I hope they're wrong.

 

My younger son is more tempermantal and we're teaching him to go for a walk or to do something physical when he gets REAL angry. It really does help and diffuses the situation at hand. He's really doing better now and will often just take it upon himself to go get his "energy" out. Is this something your dd can do? Or even the shower, maybe just some quiet time alone. It will take awhile for her to learn to do this on her own but if you can help her to do so, or ORDER her to when she's having a bad attitude, maybe it will help.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:I know it's difficult. And yes, there will always be something to work on with your children. Maybe you need to take some quiet time to yourself. ;)

 

My time here has been spotty lately! I need to go find your post on dh's surgery. I'm sorry I missed it!!!

 

ETA: Why can't kids see things realistically these days? I just don't get it! I am often times baffled by this. I know how hard it is, but please don't get yourself worked up or feeling like you're doing something wrong because of your dd's perception. Maybe sometime when things are going real good you can have a good heart to heart with her. Do something special with her and try to understand why she feels as she does. This will give you an opportunity to share your side of things and maybe she will see more clearly when she's not in the midst of emotional turmoil.

 

Denise, don't worry about missing about Patrick's surgery. It was a minor outpatient surgery, and he is fine now. All is well. :)

 

I do really need to spend more one on one time with her. I keep seeing people say that, and I think it's really something I need to concentrate on. She would love it.

[bluemongoose]

I.Love.Lucy- you are welcome. I just hope that it helps someone!:001_smile:

[alpidarkomama]

If there's one thing I see time and time again in my dc, it's waves of difficult behavior/out of sync from the norm that come throughout their childhood. I read a book years ago calling these periods of equalibrium/disequalibrium. What ages, frequency, extent, really depends on the child. Anytime I see my once content, happy child begin to show behavior out of character for her (short temper, no frustration tolerance, etc, etc) for a prolonged period of time, I know she is probably having growing pains. Fresh air, healthy diet, lots of sleep, and some time and patience, while continuing with boundaries and consequences for misbehavior will see her through.

 

I find that understanding this about my children, showing them lots of love and grace during these times, while still being firm about their behavior, has helped me be a more content mom and know there is a light at the end.

 

I hope things get better soon, Nakia. I know it's hard:grouphug:

 

Blessings,

Lisa

 

Awwww, what a lovely respone. I'm going to remember this one when we get there! :)

[bluemongoose]

You're welcome Nakia.

 

P.S. sorry about the poor grammar and typing skills in my posts:blush:. I was holding a wiggly 2yo and trying to type at the same time.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

Oh boy. I could have written this about my DD too. She's actually taking anxiety meds right now, and it has helped. We had escalated WAY out of control. We still have issues though.....and I DO believe it has a lot to do with hormones. I, in my perpetually exhausted and feeling in over my head state, have a hard time staying un-engaged too.

 

I get it. I really, really do.

[Sahamamama]

Well, your family has also been through a bit of upheaval lately, right?

 

My girls are little, so I can't speak to older, pre-teen girls, BUT --

 

 

• your husband had surgery
  
• you got sick and stayed sick
  
• you got off-track with the normal routine
  

 

Could Anna be feeling a bit shaky from all this?

 

Another thought: I find myself expecting more (too much, at times) from my oldest, Sarah. She is only six years old, but she's supposed to be the helpful, compliant, "easy" one. Sigh. I know that when she steps out of line, I do tend to come down on her like a ton of bricks. I have really, really been working on not doing that....

 

The twins, Hannah and Mary, will push my buttons and pull out my last, raw nerve. I put energy into "working on" them. I can actually handle their behavior, IF my oldest is doing her Perfect Part. It truly ISN'T fair towards her, to expect her to cooperate and toe the line, so I can manage the day. I say this to my own embarrassment. I've also asked for grace to change.

 

The truth is, we have to do what we can to create in our homes an emotional climate of Peace. We may veer off-track for a bit, but all those emotional outbursts are draining and counter-productive. I'm working on snapping out of my own moods faster, and recovering from the tantrums of two four-year olds, and creating a peaceful climate for us all. HTH.

 

Hope it all works out for you, Nakia. :grouphug:

Edited January 18, 2011 by Sahamamama

[Alphabetika]

Hormones, hormones, hormones. It will get worse, but it will also get better. I can't say it any better than that. ;):grouphug:

[Joyofsixreboot]

Hormones, mental development and figuring out where they fit in the world. Along with all the great suggestions I try to find something for my kids that is just for them. For my oldest it was dance, for my now 12 yo it's sports. I avoid involving the dreaded younger sibs in that activity/team/class. My oldest needed lots of time alone which we gave her by banning younger sibs from her area and my now 12 year old NEEDS copious amounts of physical exercise (like 2 hours) at which point she becomes a pleasant young lady. It's trial and error to find what works for each kid. Oh, and boys do this too.

[Peela]

I agree it's hormones and all.

I can't add much to what the others have said other than...as her mum she is going to look to you for wisdom and calm leadership (even if she wont admit it and fights it all the way) and also, how to deal with her own hormones. So all I would add to what others have said is to make sure you are getting your needs met too...that you are eating and sleeping well, that you are getting enough protein, green foods, alone time, nourishment, girlfriend time etc

I think that something our girls need- to see their mums' self care routines- so that they realise the need to take care of their bodies, their emotional selves etc. That it's not selfish to need time alone, privacy, coffee with girlfriends or a meal out with dh...whatever it is. It's pretty important for our wellbeing and for theirs too.

 

My dd16 wouldnt exercise for years. She refused to walk evne though we live near beautiful walking trails. Then she had a chiropractic appointment and he told her she had poor muscle tone and she needed to exercise every single day. So ever since then- she has exercised-and now she loves it. She also notices when certian foods make her feel off, and knows she feels better when she eats healthy. I consciously trained her to take note of the symptoms in her body and see what would make her feel better. I think its a lifelong process but it can definitely start once the hormones kick in. That way when there IS a cause and effect- such as a sugar binge causing a meltdown a day later- it doesnt seem so random.

[Pippen]

Right around age 10 all of my kids had a struggle period. I think it's an age where many start outgrowing some of their childhood and transitioning into the next stages. It was especially pronounced in my oldest son, I think because he was surrounded by the little ones all the time

 

I really stepped up the daily focused one-on-one time, and made a special effort to take them out alone once a week. The oldest and I would sneak off to the bookstore cafe on Saturday nights together after the others were in their rooms or we'd let him come back out of his room and watch a movie with his dad (maybe order a pizza :)) after the others were asleep. It didn't solve every woe, but recognizing they were growing up and giving them some positives to go along with that went a long way in easing the other issues.

[Lizzie in Ma]

This child was the sweetest easiest kiddo ever until about 6 months ago. She was 10 in September.

I am assuming she is hormonal but that doesn't make it easier.

She is intermittently angry, miserable, really hard on herself, and bursting into tears. It is breaking my heart.

Trying to make her eat better but this child is a hugely fussy eater due to some sensory issues. Certain textures she just can't eat.

Letting her sleep in helps a bit so that is a new tactic I am trying in addition to one on one time away from the house.

[Nakia]

Oh boy. I could have written this about my DD too. She's actually taking anxiety meds right now, and it has helped. We had escalated WAY out of control. We still have issues though.....and I DO believe it has a lot to do with hormones. I, in my perpetually exhausted and feeling in over my head state, have a hard time staying un-engaged too.

 

I get it. I really, really do.

 

Wow, Kristin. It's so hard. How did you get to a point where she needed the meds? You can pm me if you want to. Or if I'm being too nosey, just go ahead and ignore it. :001_smile:

 

Well, your family has also been through a bit of upheaval lately, right?

 

My girls are little, so I can't speak to older, pre-teen girls, BUT --

 

 

• your husband had surgery

• you got sick and stayed sick

• you got off-track with the normal routine

 

Could Anna be feeling a bit shaky from all this?

 

Another thought: I find myself expecting more (too much, at times) from my oldest, Sarah. She is only six years old, but she's supposed to be the helpful, compliant, "easy" one. Sigh. I know that when she steps out of line, I do tend to come down on her like a ton of bricks. I have really, really been working on not doing that....

 

The twins, Hannah and Mary, will push my buttons and pull out my last, raw nerve. I put energy into "working on" them. I can actually handle their behavior, IF my oldest is doing her Perfect Part. It truly ISN'T fair towards her, to expect her to cooperate and toe the line, so I can manage the day. I say this to my own embarrassment. I've also asked for grace to change.

 

The truth is, we have to do what we can to create in our homes an emotional climate of Peace. We may veer off-track for a bit, but all those emotional outbursts are draining and counter-productive. I'm working on snapping out of my own moods faster, and recovering from the tantrums of two four-year olds, and creating a peaceful climate for us all. HTH.

 

Hope it all works out for you, Nakia. :grouphug:

 

Yes, 2010 was one big mess after another. But we are very hopeful for a new start and better year this time. Things are already looking up! Your post hit home because I do the same things as you mentioned: expecting more from Anna, coming down hard on her, put my energy into the younger ones. It hurts my heart to think about it. :( We talked this morning for a long time, and it was a good talk. Peace is what we need.

 

Hormones, hormones, hormones. It will get worse, but it will also get better. I can't say it any better than that. ;):grouphug:

 

Can I just be honest and say I am terrified of the worse part? :lol:

 

Hormones, mental development and figuring out where they fit in the world. Along with all the great suggestions I try to find something for my kids that is just for them. For my oldest it was dance, for my now 12 yo it's sports. I avoid involving the dreaded younger sibs in that activity/team/class. My oldest needed lots of time alone which we gave her by banning younger sibs from her area and my now 12 year old NEEDS copious amounts of physical exercise (like 2 hours) at which point she becomes a pleasant young lady. It's trial and error to find what works for each kid. Oh, and boys do this too.

 

She takes horseback riding lessons which is just for her, and she LOVES it!! With our weather we haven't been able to go for about a month, and I know that's not helping.

 

I agree it's hormones and all.

I can't add much to what the others have said other than...as her mum she is going to look to you for wisdom and calm leadership (even if she wont admit it and fights it all the way) and also, how to deal with her own hormones. So all I would add to what others have said is to make sure you are getting your needs met too...that you are eating and sleeping well, that you are getting enough protein, green foods, alone time, nourishment, girlfriend time etc

I think that something our girls need- to see their mums' self care routines- so that they realise the need to take care of their bodies, their emotional selves etc. That it's not selfish to need time alone, privacy, coffee with girlfriends or a meal out with dh...whatever it is. It's pretty important for our wellbeing and for theirs too.

 

My dd16 wouldnt exercise for years. She refused to walk evne though we live near beautiful walking trails. Then she had a chiropractic appointment and he told her she had poor muscle tone and she needed to exercise every single day. So ever since then- she has exercised-and now she loves it. She also notices when certian foods make her feel off, and knows she feels better when she eats healthy. I consciously trained her to take note of the symptoms in her body and see what would make her feel better. I think its a lifelong process but it can definitely start once the hormones kick in. That way when there IS a cause and effect- such as a sugar binge causing a meltdown a day later- it doesnt seem so random.

 

We do need to concentrate on if certain foods trigger her. I know when she was younger, we figured out red dyes made her temperamental and really hyper, so she doesn't have those at all. Maybe there is another food triggering it. She is certainly my healthiest eater overall.

 

I need to work on taking care of me. You are right about that. She needs to see me taking better care of myself. Thanks for pointing that out.

 

Right around age 10 all of my kids had a struggle period. I think it's an age where many start outgrowing some of their childhood and transitioning into the next stages. It was especially pronounced in my oldest son, I think because he was surrounded by the little ones all the time

 

I really stepped up the daily focused one-on-one time, and made a special effort to take them out alone once a week. The oldest and I would sneak off to the bookstore cafe on Saturday nights together after the others were in their rooms or we'd let him come back out of his room and watch a movie with his dad (maybe order a pizza :)) after the others were asleep. It didn't solve every woe, but recognizing they were growing up and giving them some positives to go along with that went a long way in easing the other issues.

 

Thank you. Good ideas!!

 

This child was the sweetest easiest kiddo ever until about 6 months ago. She was 10 in September.

I am assuming she is hormonal but that doesn't make it easier.

She is intermittently angry, miserable, really hard on herself, and bursting into tears. It is breaking my heart.

Trying to make her eat better but this child is a hugely fussy eater due to some sensory issues. Certain textures she just can't eat.

Letting her sleep in helps a bit so that is a new tactic I am trying in addition to one on one time away from the house.

 

Besides the food issues, our daughters sound the same. It's so hard!!

[newbie]

We have hormones galore, my easy one is a weepy mess always.

 

My mantra is three more years. I understand hormones are awful, premenopause here. But, gee.

[Chris in VA]

Nakia, I thought about pm-ing you, but thought maybe I should praise you in front of everyone--:D.

 

I really appreciate that you ask for advice and then thank everyone so graciously, and that you are humble and so very teachable in your responses. FWIW, I would love to meet you; I think you are a fine person, and an excellent mother.

[elfgivas]

hi nakia -

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

you asked about myers briggs for kids. it is a fabulously useful tool.

 

my favourite of all time is

"nurture by nature" by Paul D. Tieger,

at the end of each chapter it includes tips for what works well with kids of that particular personality type. i still use it whenever things get a little out of whack, and the tips for dh's personality type work with him, too ; )

 

there is also a simplified on line test that gives you 3 of the 4 aspects, because the 4th is harder to determine accurately until they are older. i'm having trouble finding the one i usually use...

here's one

http://www.personalitypage.com/cgi-local/build_pqk.cgi

 

here's a page full of good free resource links

http://www.livingroom.org.au/blog/archives/myers_briggs_personality_test_resources.php

 

if you want to pm me, i am happy to work with you on it.

 

blessings,

ann

[BlsdMama]

I have no answers, just hugs. :( I'm glad you don't treat all your girls the same though. That would be a tragic mistake. Keep on doing that which you know you ought mama....

 

Galatians 6:9 (the second time I've used this this morning)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 

 

Hang on to the promise.

[Nakia]

We have hormones galore, my easy one is a weepy mess always.

 

My mantra is three more years. I understand hormones are awful, premenopause here. But, gee.

 

Okay...My mantra can be 13 more years...my youngest is only 5. :lol:

 

Nakia, I thought about pm-ing you, but thought maybe I should praise you in front of everyone--:D.

 

I really appreciate that you ask for advice and then thank everyone so graciously, and that you are humble and so very teachable in your responses. FWIW, I would love to meet you; I think you are a fine person, and an excellent mother.

 

Chris, that means so much to me. I would love to meet you too. I just really really appreciate everyone's advice and love so much.

 

hi nakia -

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

you asked about myers briggs for kids. it is a fabulously useful tool.

 

my favourite of all time is

"nurture by nature" by Paul D. Tieger,

at the end of each chapter it includes tips for what works well with kids of that particular personality type. i still use it whenever things get a little out of whack, and the tips for dh's personality type work with him, too ; )

 

there is also a simplified on line test that gives you 3 of the 4 aspects, because the 4th is harder to determine accurately until they are older. i'm having trouble finding the one i usually use...

here's one

http://www.personalitypage.com/cgi-local/build_pqk.cgi

 

here's a page full of good free resource links

http://www.livingroom.org.au/blog/archives/myers_briggs_personality_test_resources.php

 

if you want to pm me, i am happy to work with you on it.

 

blessings,

ann

 

Thank you! I will look at it closer when we finish school for the day and pm if you.

 

I have no answers, just hugs. :( I'm glad you don't treat all your girls the same though. That would be a tragic mistake. Keep on doing that which you know you ought mama....

 

Galatians 6:9 (the second time I've used this this morning)

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

 

 

Hang on to the promise.

 

Thank you. I learned growing up that it doesn't work to treat every child the same. My mom expected the same from my brothers that she got from me. I was her easiest, but she didn't know it at the time, lol. Thank you for that verse. I think I will put it on my fridge.

[DebbS]

I haven't read the whole thread so I may be duplicating somebody else's comments...but as the mother of a 13 year old girl, I'd say yes - it's hormones. It might help if you can discuss this with your daughter because how she is feeling may be confusing even to her and it may be adding to her stress. There have been a few times in my life where my hormones have gotten really unbalanced and it would have been frightening to me if I hadn't realized what was happening.

 

My daughter and I seem to be one the same schedule (though I'm in perimenopause), and just us knowing that we're both out-of-sorts together makes it easier. Sometimes in the middle of a hormone-fueled exchange, one of us will mention the possibility that it's a hormone thing and then we end up breaking into laughter or hugs.

[Guest KarainTX]

If there's one thing I see time and time again in my dc, it's waves of difficult behavior/out of sync from the norm that come throughout their childhood. I read a book years ago calling these periods of equalibrium/disequalibrium. What ages, frequency, extent, really depends on the child. Anytime I see my once content, happy child begin to show behavior out of character for her (short temper, no frustration tolerance, etc, etc) for a prolonged period of time, I know she is probably having growing pains. Fresh air, healthy diet, lots of sleep, and some time and patience, while continuing with boundaries and consequences for misbehavior will see her through.

 

:iagree: Whenever my headstrong 5 yr old gets extremely emotional and uncharacteristically difficult, it's usually because of a growth spurt. Of course, being 5, we haven't dealt with hormones yet, so I'm thinking you're probably getting a double whammy. I agree with the others about lots of protein, rest and exercise! If I had a great way to control angry responses, I'd tell you, but I'm still working on that! :blush:

 

:grouphug:

[wapiti]

Thanks for this thread. I appreciate all the great advice and I'm already putting some of it to good use. Dd9 and I had quite a day. :tongue_smilie:

[i.love.lucy]

I printed out those two posts from bluemongoose and handed them to my dd after I had my dh read them too. I simply asked her to read them and at some point if she saw some similarities to what she was feeling, maybe it would help to have those words to discuss it. No pressure. She disappeared with it. Then came down and said she read it. Then later reappeared with parts highlighted! She said, this is how I feel and what I thought would help.

 

I was saddened to see the "I felt like they didn't like me as much anymore" part highlighted. :crying::confused: I need to really work on not projecting that. Sometimes I guess I don't like her as much as I used to, but I can't allow her to see that.

 

But she also liked the part about she and I having a code to let us know that she needs to cool down and needs some time to herself. Her brother doesn't like to play by himself (at.all.) so I am going to work on giving her a little more space and time in her room.

 

Thanks for the thread!