Jump to content


Frightening 9 yo nephew. How to help?

Jeanne in MN

Recommended Posts

I have a 9 yo nephew who says some innapropriate things and has some anger issues as well. He is going to an alternative school, because he couldn't handle their public school. This boy, along with his two sisters, were adopted by my brother and sil when he was about 4. He does struggle with fear of "being sold" again as he was taken from his biological parents, lived with a foster family he felt a strong connection and then came to live with my brother and sil.


The other night I had nieces and nephews over for a sleep over and throughout the evening my nephew would laugh and say things about bars and drinking, making out with a girl, asking if I know where babies come from, literally where they came out at. He was laughing every time he said something. I got the feeling he knew full well it wasn't appropropriate, that's why he was saying it and laughing.


Yet, later that night he wanted to sit by me and snuggle. He changed into this 9 yo needy boy who had his blankie, stuffed animals, snuggled up to me on the couch and talked and laughed and giggled. No inappropriate behavior. He was kind of a different kid. More of what I would expect from a 9 yo. boy.


He was much better the next day. Didn't notice anything inappropriate. He's a little wild, definately has his own thoughts on things, but he wasn't looking for that shock that he seemed to the night before.


I know at his sitters, a 4th grader who had gotten into porn on the internet, shared with him and some of the other kids some of the things she'd seen. She evidentally didn't leave out any details, either. He told my mom about it and said he'd told his mom, but his mom, my sil, just told him that it wasn't nice to talk like that. Don't know if she pursued it further.


I just really, really worry for this little guy. I'm afraid of what he'll be like as he grows up. My brother and sil are great people, good disciplinarians, but not the affectionate type. They are more of a toughen up type and these kids were pretty needy emotionally when they came to the family. What I saw as needy, they saw as manipulative. They aren't very big on counseling iether. Was/is kind of frustrating.


They did take my nephew to see a counselor, but the counselor claimed he couldn't figure out what the problem was. Um, at that time it was serious control issues that he had and from his fears on "being sold" again, it seemed to make perfect sense to me and my folks what the main issue was.


Anyhow, does any of this sound like something anyone can make sense out of? What does he need and how do we help him? Btw, his birth mother had mental issues and I'm kind of wondering if bilogically, something like that could be affecting him too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What I saw as needy, they saw as manipulative.


I adopted a child from an orphanage who was EXTREMELY manipulative. Was she also emotionally needy? Yes, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that she was also a master manipulator. Unless you live with a child, you don't really know what's going on.


Anyhow, does any of this sound like something anyone can make sense out of?


I was told, repeatedly, how wrongly I was handling things with my child. I could see the judgment in people's eyes, hear it in their tone of voice, feel their disapproval radiating from them.


But honestly, unless you live with an emotionally damaged child, you just don't know what it's like, and it's extremely likely that your outside impression of what the parents are/aren't doing right is just ... wrong.


Of course you are concerned about your nephew, but, honestly, the best thing you can do is be the best aunt you can to him and let his parents handle the rest. I had all kinds of well-meaning people step in and try to "help" dd when really they were just undermining us and the things we were doing to help our dd.


Kids with troubled backgrounds often have troubling behaviors. It took our dd about five years to outgrow the most obnoxious and shocking of these.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...