BMW Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I've posted for about 3 years now regarding my stepson. He is now about to turn 12 (in March). He lost his mom to cancer when he was 8. He's been a handful. You've witnessed my many posts asking "WWYD?" And the replies often contain, "Love him." "Give him time." And occasional bits of advice on consequences. All these years he has lied. He tells lies when he doesn't need to. He tells all sorts of stories. He sucks people in. Well, some people. He can get all sticky sweet and be a "kiss-up" for attention, when that is to his benefit. Then he'll turn on a dime and back stab. He doesn't have very many friends. His brothers do not enjoy being around him. His blood brother has nothing decent to say to him and there is continual nasty commentary between them. I put my foot down many times. I separate as needed. He watches and waits for the opportunity to do wrong. Waits until I am in the shower to do "things". Waits until no one is looking to steal. He really, really watches and waits... he plans things... He has a history of anger, too. In 3rd grade he head-butted a peer to the floor. The school required him to write a note of apology. (Good grief!)(Not enough of a consequence, I think) In 4th grade he pushed a small child off the swing, choked a 1st grader and poked boys in the behind or privates while standing in line. He could NOT obey the teacher. Or would not. In any event, I pulled him home and schooled him myself until 6th grade. I could not stand to homeschool him any more. He would not obey. He would sit for 8 hours some days with his math assignment in front of him. This school year he has been in trouble multiple times. Punched a boy in the face and broke his glasses. And other things. He also steals. I have to check his backpack when he leaves in the morning and when I pick him up. Today I will walk him into the office to hand back a baggies of sharpies, pens and mechanical pencils that he has taken that do not belong to him. Anyway, I met with the assistant principal early this week and she said that the they (she and the teachers) are all alarmed at my son's behavior. He is a compulsive liar (had 3 teachers running in circles in a lie the week prior). He shows no remorse when he does wrong. He will not obey. No consequences have worked. The teachers want a conference with me this next week. The asst. principal asked if we would seek a diagnosis because they believe my son is mentally ill. This son has been in counseling with a licensed therapist for a couple months. But, this boy is also smart. I have been concerned that this is too little, too late and that the therapist is not equipped to make a difference right now. If he goes in to draw and talk, I doubt it's going to get him to get his school work done and stop stealing. To him, it's all a game. So, we now have an appointment in the morning with the child psychiatry department through our insurance. I am thankful that his behavior warrants coverage of these services by our insurance. This same company would NOT help our adhd son (they said it was purely behavioral and a parent's problem!). Anyway, dh and I go in the morning to lay out all the information to a psychiatrist. Thank you for reading. Dh is overwhelmed with grief in his heart. He has wanted to believe so badly that this boy would do a turn around and be okay... Recently neither of us have known what to do next with him. If you pray, please join us in prayer that the professionals in our sons life will be able to pin-point things quickly. I fear that we are running out of time with him. Please pray for wisdom for all involved and that family members who know a lot of this and are watching our moves right now will be supportive and not interfere negatively. And if you aren't the praying type, I sure appreciate your kind thoughts. Any supportive comments... any btdt... and, as usual, any :grouphug: are certainly welcome right now. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaSheep Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Hugs and prayers! How hard that is for all of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slartibartfast Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: I am so sorry, I cannot imagine the pain this is giving you. I hope and pray he gets a good counselor that won't buy what he is laying down and he actually gets help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherM2 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: and prayers.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
helena Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: This is a big squeezy one: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindyz Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 My mom died when I was 9 and I was adopted by my step mom. On the surface, I rejected her, would not call her mom and acted as if I did not want or need her love. It was all a facade. All I wanted was to be loved and to feel that I was as loved and as important as my step sister and step brother. I wish my step mom hadn't taken my rebuffs personally and had loved me with the same intensity as my half siblings. I did not have behavior like your step son as I went in the completely opposite direction and tried to be the perfect child, but I still say keep doing what you are doing and love him with the same intensity as your own children and keep loving him no matter if he tries to push you away. Some of his behaviors sound like cries for attention. These kids can be a bottomless pit and need more attention than you can possibly give, just keep giving it your all. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knit247 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 How heartbreaking for all of you. I will absolutely keep you all in my prayers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Bee - can they put him in a behavioral classroom? I'm thinking this would be for his protection as well as for the protection of other kids. A therapist needs to know the concerns of the school. He needs to have outside verification like that of your son's behaviors so that he's not just basing it on what he observes during appointments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Big :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I have one question....I should know the anwer to it but can't recall...did you marry your husband AFTER his wife died? Or had they divorced previously? How long have you been married to your dh? I've posted for about 3 years now regarding my stepson. He is now about to turn 12 (in March). He lost his mom to cancer when he was 8. He's been a handful. You've witnessed my many posts asking "WWYD?" And the replies often contain, "Love him." "Give him time." And occasional bits of advice on consequences. All these years he has lied. He tells lies when he doesn't need to. He tells all sorts of stories. He sucks people in. Well, some people. He can get all sticky sweet and be a "kiss-up" for attention, when that is to his benefit. Then he'll turn on a dime and back stab. He doesn't have very many friends. His brothers do not enjoy being around him. His blood brother has nothing decent to say to him and there is continual nasty commentary between them. I put my foot down many times. I separate as needed. He watches and waits for the opportunity to do wrong. Waits until I am in the shower to do "things". Waits until no one is looking to steal. He really, really watches and waits... he plans things... He has a history of anger, too. In 3rd grade he head-butted a peer to the floor. The school required him to write a note of apology. (Good grief!)(Not enough of a consequence, I think) In 4th grade he pushed a small child off the swing, choked a 1st grader and poked boys in the behind or privates while standing in line. He could NOT obey the teacher. Or would not. In any event, I pulled him home and schooled him myself until 6th grade. I could not stand to homeschool him any more. He would not obey. He would sit for 8 hours some days with his math assignment in front of him. This school year he has been in trouble multiple times. Punched a boy in the face and broke his glasses. And other things. He also steals. I have to check his backpack when he leaves in the morning and when I pick him up. Today I will walk him into the office to hand back a baggies of sharpies, pens and mechanical pencils that he has taken that do not belong to him. Anyway, I met with the assistant principal early this week and she said that the they (she and the teachers) are all alarmed at my son's behavior. He is a compulsive liar (had 3 teachers running in circles in a lie the week prior). He shows no remorse when he does wrong. He will not obey. No consequences have worked. The teachers want a conference with me this next week. The asst. principal asked if we would seek a diagnosis because they believe my son is mentally ill. This son has been in counseling with a licensed therapist for a couple months. But, this boy is also smart. I have been concerned that this is too little, too late and that the therapist is not equipped to make a difference right now. If he goes in to draw and talk, I doubt it's going to get him to get his school work done and stop stealing. To him, it's all a game. So, we now have an appointment in the morning with the child psychiatry department through our insurance. I am thankful that his behavior warrants coverage of these services by our insurance. This same company would NOT help our adhd son (they said it was purely behavioral and a parent's problem!). Anyway, dh and I go in the morning to lay out all the information to a psychiatrist. Thank you for reading. Dh is overwhelmed with grief in his heart. He has wanted to believe so badly that this boy would do a turn around and be okay... Recently neither of us have known what to do next with him. If you pray, please join us in prayer that the professionals in our sons life will be able to pin-point things quickly. I fear that we are running out of time with him. Please pray for wisdom for all involved and that family members who know a lot of this and are watching our moves right now will be supportive and not interfere negatively. And if you aren't the praying type, I sure appreciate your kind thoughts. Any supportive comments... any btdt... and, as usual, any :grouphug: are certainly welcome right now. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OregonNative Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 First :grouphug: I can't imagine how difficult this is for you and the rest of the family. Second, my gut tells me that he def. does have mental issues. His behavior is very much like that of a sociopath. I'm not saying he is one-just that there are similar behaviors. I pray that you are able to find someone that can make a break through. Or that the diagnosis is one that can be remedied. This does not sound like simple anger issues to me. Please keep us posted and I will continue to pray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sue in WI Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Will do, Bee. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug:I feel for your family, and I'll be praying for all of you.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patches Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Praying for you ... for answers, peace and strength. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndie Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: No words of wisdom but prayers and thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. I think you are making the right decision by seeking a psychiatrist. Hopefully help will come quickly. God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giraffe Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: I hope you find some answers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
love2read Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Bee :grouphug: I'm so sorry this didn't turn around quickly and that you have to continue with the heartache. I'm praying for you and your husband and family. This is quite a mountain you are climbing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Bee - can they put him in a behavioral classroom? I'm thinking this would be for his protection as well as for the protection of other kids. A therapist needs to know the concerns of the school. He needs to have outside verification like that of your son's behaviors so that he's not just basing it on what he observes during appointments. First :grouphug: I can't imagine how difficult this is for you and the rest of the family. Second, my gut tells me that he def. does have mental issues. His behavior is very much like that of a sociopath. I'm not saying he is one-just that there are similar behaviors. I pray that you are able to find someone that can make a break through. Or that the diagnosis is one that can be remedied. This does not sound like simple anger issues to me. Please keep us posted and I will continue to pray. :iagree: with both of these. And :grouphug: and prayers for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I'm sorry you all are going through all of that, and sorry that he is, too! I think you are taking the right steps, and I hope that the psychiatrist is able to help him. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: hugs. My dh's dad died when he was 9. I met dh when he was 30 and he was still angry about it. It completely colored his youth and his behavior. He has four other siblings and he was the only one that allowed his grief to dictate his behavior to such an extent. I know dh feels like he was left to his own devices too many times for a person in his situation. I pray your ds gets the help he needs, what a difficult place to be. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dana Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 :grouphug: Hope tomorrow goes well and that you can get the help and support you need. It sounds like you're doing the right things. Not easy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I do recall your posts on this and know how much you love him and how hard you are trying. I'm glad the school is supporting you to a diagnosis. What they said makes a lot of sense. Good for you for following through. I'm sorry it's so hard, and so sorry for your grieving. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 :grouphug: I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. I think you are making the right decision by seeking a psychiatrist. Hopefully help will come quickly. God Bless, Elise in NC :iagree::grouphug::grouphug: So sorry. God bless you for mothering this troubled child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlmiraGulch Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm so sorry. I have not btdt, exactly, but have certainly encountered (and continue to encounter) issues with my dd that put me at my wits' end. I understand how frustrating and frightening it can be. I sincerely hope that you find some answers, and some peace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Prayers and hugs :grouphug: Bless you for hanging in there for so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMW Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks, everyone. Really, truly, thank you very much. Scarlett, I did not know my husband at all until after his wife died. Yes, the psychiatry dept. knows about the school's request for diagnosis. I gave them a solid history and what is currently problematic. They are prioritizing. I'm so glad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Hi Bee, Just wondering how your meeting went this morning. (Not looking for personal details, I really am just -->) Hoping all went well and that you feel like you are all on the right path with the right caregivers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Hi Bee, Just wondering how your meeting went this morning. (Not looking for personal details, I really am just -->) Hoping all went well and that you feel like you are all on the right path with the right caregivers. I'm wondering about this too. Also wonder Bee if anyone has ever asked him (I'm sure you have!) WHY he does these things? What kind of answer does he give? Deny he does them? Or does he offer any insight AT ALL as to why he acts out so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 :grouphug: Praying for your family! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: My thoughts are with all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I've posted for about 3 years now regarding my stepson. He is now about to turn 12 (in March). He lost his mom to cancer when he was 8. He's been a handful. You've witnessed my many posts asking "WWYD?" And the replies often contain, "Love him." "Give him time." And occasional bits of advice on consequences. All these years he has lied. He tells lies when he doesn't need to. He tells all sorts of stories. He sucks people in. Well, some people. He can get all sticky sweet and be a "kiss-up" for attention, when that is to his benefit. Then he'll turn on a dime and back stab. He doesn't have very many friends. His brothers do not enjoy being around him. His blood brother has nothing decent to say to him and there is continual nasty commentary between them. I put my foot down many times. I separate as needed. He watches and waits for the opportunity to do wrong. Waits until I am in the shower to do "things". Waits until no one is looking to steal. He really, really watches and waits... he plans things... He has a history of anger, too. In 3rd grade he head-butted a peer to the floor. The school required him to write a note of apology. (Good grief!)(Not enough of a consequence, I think) In 4th grade he pushed a small child off the swing, choked a 1st grader and poked boys in the behind or privates while standing in line. He could NOT obey the teacher. Or would not. In any event, I pulled him home and schooled him myself until 6th grade. I could not stand to homeschool him any more. He would not obey. He would sit for 8 hours some days with his math assignment in front of him. This school year he has been in trouble multiple times. Punched a boy in the face and broke his glasses. And other things. He also steals. I have to check his backpack when he leaves in the morning and when I pick him up. Today I will walk him into the office to hand back a baggies of sharpies, pens and mechanical pencils that he has taken that do not belong to him. Anyway, I met with the assistant principal early this week and she said that the they (she and the teachers) are all alarmed at my son's behavior. He is a compulsive liar (had 3 teachers running in circles in a lie the week prior). He shows no remorse when he does wrong. He will not obey. No consequences have worked. The teachers want a conference with me this next week. The asst. principal asked if we would seek a diagnosis because they believe my son is mentally ill. This son has been in counseling with a licensed therapist for a couple months. But, this boy is also smart. I have been concerned that this is too little, too late and that the therapist is not equipped to make a difference right now. If he goes in to draw and talk, I doubt it's going to get him to get his school work done and stop stealing. To him, it's all a game. So, we now have an appointment in the morning with the child psychiatry department through our insurance. I am thankful that his behavior warrants coverage of these services by our insurance. This same company would NOT help our adhd son (they said it was purely behavioral and a parent's problem!). Anyway, dh and I go in the morning to lay out all the information to a psychiatrist. Thank you for reading. Dh is overwhelmed with grief in his heart. He has wanted to believe so badly that this boy would do a turn around and be okay... Recently neither of us have known what to do next with him. If you pray, please join us in prayer that the professionals in our sons life will be able to pin-point things quickly. I fear that we are running out of time with him. Please pray for wisdom for all involved and that family members who know a lot of this and are watching our moves right now will be supportive and not interfere negatively. And if you aren't the praying type, I sure appreciate your kind thoughts. Any supportive comments... any btdt... and, as usual, any :grouphug: are certainly welcome right now. Thanks. as I read the description of your son, it sounds like you are writing about my dd7. She came from an orphanage and has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). I have had to live with her attached to me like a ball and chain for most of the time she has been here. If I don't, something bad will happen. Before Christmas I caught her choking the dog and she also did something else that caused him to cry out in pain for nearly a week. I didn't bring him right away because he's SO dramatic, but I told myself that if he cried out upon getting up for a week, I'd bring him in. Or if he got worse, I'd bring him in. I never asked her what she did because everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie anyway. I trust NOTHING she says. EVER. And, I always assume the worst with her. Sadly, 95% of the time my assumptions are right. :sad: I have tried therapists but it's nearly impossible to find a qualified one to work with a RAD child, and it's EXTREMELY expensive and even though our insurance is good, we'd have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars for a therapy that will likely never work. Why? Not only is my dd's type of RAD the hardest to treat (inhibited) but she would be just like your son and my brother. Playing the game would be fun to her and I've read that it actually empowers the child and makes them sicker. So after trying therapy for a period, and desperately trying to get in to a reputable therapist within a few hours of our home, I've given up. What I would tell you is that I would NEVER leave him unattended in your home. Trust me - I know how hard this is. I've lived it for 6 years. I've discussed so much on the boards about my dd that I think I'll stop here. I just want to also say that it's very, very hard to get an accurate diagnosis, especially if he has RAD. Was he close to his mother? Was he always close to his father, even before he lived with you all? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm wondering about this too. Also wonder Bee if anyone has ever asked him (I'm sure you have!) WHY he does these things? What kind of answer does he give? Deny he does them? Or does he offer any insight AT ALL as to why he acts out so much. I know when I ask my dd this (she's only 7, almost 8, but the level to which she can communicate shocks most people.) she says she just "has" to act out. She can feel it coming on and she just "has" to act out. I've told her that my #1 goal is to help her to recognize when it's coming on so that she can just take some quiet time in her room with her toys. I told her i'd play music or play books on tape right outside her door and she could just have a fun, albeit quiet, time in her room. I also believe she will always take her anger at her birthmom out on me. She's angry that her bm gave her away and that she's not in a Chinese family, and I will always pay the price for that. It happens with most kids with attachment disorder - to target the mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Sorry... step parenting is hard... parenting is hard... and this sounds... even harder... Sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Lots and lots of great big :grouphug:'s!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 {{hugs}} The history and behavior and thinking sound very much like Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Very often, this disorder continues into adulthood as Conduct Disorder and/or Anti-Social Disorder. I'm praying for you, him, your DH and the siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Praying you find someone who will really HELP you and listen to you and see right through any charm he can pour on while in therapy.....a really good therapist will talk to the entire family and even those in the school to get an idea of what is really going on before only talking to the child or allowing the child's behavior in the hour in therapy to determine diagnosis. It does sound like a lot of anger. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim in Appalachia Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 :grouphug: I can't imagine how much pain this causes you and your dh. I hope the specialists are able to find a way to truly help. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbabe Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Prayers for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melanie in WI Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Hugs and Prayers to you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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