Book: For Women Only----any reviews?

[Ottakee]

M friend said I should get the book, For Women Only: What you need to know about the inner lives of men

 

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1590523172/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0NFYQH00TR8RAWNY6CQB&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=470938631&pf_rd_i=507846

 

Just wondering if anyone had read this or had their spouse read the version for men on women. Is it worth me buying?

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

I read this a while back. It is very insightful, and a litte disconserting. If you decide to read it, you'll find yourself wanting to ask your husband all the time, "You're not really like this, are you?" and then if you do ask him, you'll be surprised by the answer.

 

The whole topic about mens' internal struggles regarding s*x was very eye opening for me. From what I remember, the author interviewed/studied 1000 men picked at random and was flabbergasted by the results. She was worried that she had randomly, unintentionally selected some deviant males, so the surveyed 1000 Christian, church-going men, and got the same results.

 

I'd recommend this book if your interested in finding out the differences in how men and women view things. It's a quick read, and I really learned a lot from it. It also makes you a little more...sympathetic....to their "needs."

 

Hope this helps!

[Kipling]

YES! It is a wonderful book. My husband has read the companion book, For Men Only, and they have been a real eye-opener for both of us. As we read the books, we kept asking each other, "Is this the way you think?" It opened up a lot of conversations for us. It also helped us to realize that each of us took for granted and assumed the other person thought or felt the same way we did. I highly recommend it.

t

[texasmama]

I haven't read this book, but it sounds like a good one for my teen girl to read. When I have questions about men or teen boys and their thought processes, I ask my husband. That has been tremendously informative. I had no idea. It has been very helpful in understanding my own boys as they grow into teens, my husband and other men at large in the world. Girls and women need to know these things.:001_smile:

[Ottakee]

I haven't read this book, but it sounds like a good one for my teen girl to read. Girls and women need to know these things.:001_smile:

 

They actually have a version out for young women to read that might be better for a teen girl. I have not see any of these personally yet. My friend bought it on a $5 sale and took it with her to read on her flight from Michigan to Alaska and told me about it. She though passed it on to another lady in Alaska so I have to go buy or borrow a copy for myself.

Edited January 13, 2011 by Ottakee

[texasmama]

They actually have a version out for young women to read that might be better for a teen girl. I have not see any of these personally yet. My friend bought it on a $5 sale and took it with her to read on the from Michigan to Alaska and told me about it. She though passed it on to another lady in Alaska so I have to go buy or borrow a copy for myself.

 

Thank you for this info.:001_smile: I want my girls to understand that teen boys' minds (and adult men's minds) work much differently from their own. I didn't have this information until I was in my 30's (really), and it would have been so much more helpful to have had it earlier in life.

[sarahbobeara]

our church is offering this as a bible study, we just had our first session this past sunday! the leader bought the book and attended a workshop by shaunti this past fall, she said she LOVED the book and the author.

 

the church study has a workbook instead of just a hardcover, and i'm 3 days into the homework. i know it's not just the book doing all the work for me, i've been praying for peace in our marriage for a long time.

 

the leader did mention that the book might help with male co-workers, boyfriends, and even when raising sons. i would love for teen girls to learn this stuff and be better prepared for their future.

[Hannah C.]

I found this book very eye-opening. It was very helpful to me. Actually, I should probably re-read it, as I'm sure I've lost some of the insights I gained when I read it the first time!

[Ottakee]

Keep us posted on the Bible study and how it is going/what you think, etc. My friend mentioned that they had that as well.

 

She has been married for 31 years, me for 18 and we were talking this morning about how marriage is WORK and that even after all these years, we still have a lot to learn.

 

I do think these would be good for older teen girls/young women as well. My husband was raised without sisters and while his parents had a good marriage it was "different" than what we want. I was raised by a single mom, the oldest of 4 so again my family life was different.

 

My friend and I were both talking about how we were both married and not having any big problems---no fighting, no thoughts of divorce, really no issues to speak of, but on the flip side, not a connectedness/closeness that we both want from a marriage. Both of our marriages have grown a great deal in the past 4-5 years due to lots of different circumstances yet we both know there is room for more.

 

Sounds like maybe I should just bite the bullet and buy the books. Is the guys one good too?

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

A totally different opinion here but specifically regarding the chapters on visual stimulation/sexual temptation.

 

I read the book some time ago along with the study guide and have since thrown them out. We had issues in our marriage at that time and this book didn't help in the slightest but then, I really didn't need all these study results to understand my husband's weakness and temptation - I was living with it. Frankly, all the details of specific situations and the things going on in the minds of the men involved did NOTHING to make me feel better about my husband or our marriage. It wasn't edifying, in fact, it made things worse. I just don't need those kinds of details in my mind and they did not help me to think in a beneficial way towards my husband. I still have to "put off" the thoughts the detailed stories in those chapters inspired and "put on" godly, Biblical thoughts.

 

Understanding the problem is very real is one thing, all the details are quite another. Frankly, I was wondering the whole time what woman out there needed SO MUCH detail to convince her that men had such a weakness as this but obviously I live under a rock. To me it was ridiculously and inordinately overdone.

 

DH and I are in an entirely different place, far more open about our weaknesses and emotionally intimate, than we were back then thankfully by God's grace, but no thanks to this book.

 

YMMV obviously if you're not an especially sensitive soul like me. :) I guess some really do need so much "evidence" to convince them. :confused: That just wasn't me.

[Homemaker]

I read this book about a year ago, I believe overall it is a good book. The chapter on physical Appearencr sure made me feel like dirt though, she even gave a warning about that chapter, but still is like a huge slap. I have had three kids, breastfed for about 3 1/2 years and it has taken it toll on my body, so hearing about how men get mad and embarassed at their wives appearence was not a helpful thing to here. I go to gym about 3-4 days a week and try to take care of myself, but I am far from perfect and it hurts

to know that my husband is "thinking about how attrative women's nipples look like".

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I read this book about a year ago, I believe overall it is a good book. The chapter on physical Appearencr sure made me feel like dirt though, she even gave a warning about that chapter, but still is like a huge slap. I have had three kids, breastfed for about 3 1/2 years and it has taken it toll on my body, so hearing about how men get mad and embarassed at their wives appearence was not a helpful thing to here. I go to gym about 3-4 days a week and try to take care of myself, but I am far from perfect and it hurts

to know that my husband is "thinking about how attrative women's nipples look like".

 

This is what I'm talking about (in part). Don't believe it. Your husband isn't one of those men .. I mean, he may think those things but you can't presume it just because of the people polled - especially if your husband is REALLY saved (who on earth knows who these church goers polled were? .. not that saved men don't have issues with carnality but there is a big difference in the overall picture). There is a chapter in The Sexually Confident Wife that you should read which communicates the exact opposite of this message and this opposite message ALSO came from the mouths of husbands -- husbands distraught that their wives wouldn't believe that despite all those things their husbands really do find them incredibly beautiful and WISH - to the point of tears - that they would believe them.

 

eta, this was entirely presuming you were a Christian but regardless, The Sexually Confident Wife isn't written specifically to Christians.

Edited January 13, 2011 by RecumbentHeart

[bookfiend]

More eye-opening than the s#xual persepective was the chapter on men and their view of love vs. respect. I definitely think it is worth a read and probably need to go through it again myself.

[Ottakee]

I went to the library today and they had the "For Men Only" book and the "For YOUNG Women Only" book so I can look at those. I could order the "For Women Only" one through the library but it sounds like something I might want on my shelf and I can get both of them for $14.99 so that isn't bad at all.

 

Some of this stuff is hard to talk about with people IRL though as even though we share the same values, etc. it is hard to talk about issues with your spouse when the other person knows them well and you don't want to put your spouse in a bad light at all.

[6packofun]

It's a good book for those with stereotypical husbands and who are themselves stereotypical wives. If you know your dh is *not* like most other men, don't bother.

[simka2]

I can not say this strong enough, "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

 

If I believed in burning books...this would be my #1!!!!!

 

You can pm me if you want ;).

[Chris in VA]

I liked some of it, found some of it eye-opening, and found some of it questionable. I think it can be used as a tool to open discussion. I also think there has to be a lot of courage on the part of a wife to ask her hubby what he really thinks, and really listen to it without necessarily taking it personally (just because he thinks someone is attractive doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, for instance, but some women can't hear that without feeling rejected)--and she can't have the habit of punishing him (however subtly) for being honest with her. In the same way, it takes a lot of bravery on the man's part to hear a woman's honest thoughts.

 

As with any book of this type, I say read it if you are curious, use your best judgement, and discuss it with those who have healthy outlooks/marriages.

[Ottakee]

As with any book of this type, I say read it if you are curious, use your best judgement, and discuss it with those who have healthy outlooks/marriages.

 

 

Interesting thoughts. The friend that suggested it to me has likely the strongest marriage of anyone I am close to. I am though used to reading books and taking the good and leaving the rest. Obviously no one book (besides the Bible) is going to fit all couples.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Interesting thoughts. The friend that suggested it to me has likely the strongest marriage of anyone I am close to. I am though used to reading books and taking the good and leaving the rest. Obviously no one book (besides the Bible) is going to fit all couples.

 

 

It certainly depends on the people. I know quite a few couples with strong, healthy "outlooks" and marriages who would absolutely not recommend this book so obviously mileage varies. I hope you're one whose mind and marriage benefits from it (although I honestly hope your husband is nothing like the men, in certain areas, that the author is using to represent everyone).

[texasmama]

I liked some of it, found some of it eye-opening, and found some of it questionable. I think it can be used as a tool to open discussion. I also think there has to be a lot of courage on the part of a wife to ask her hubby what he really thinks, and really listen to it without necessarily taking it personally (just because he thinks someone is attractive doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife, for instance, but some women can't hear that without feeling rejected)--and she can't have the habit of punishing him (however subtly) for being honest with her. In the same way, it takes a lot of bravery on the man's part to hear a woman's honest thoughts.

 

As with any book of this type, I say read it if you are curious, use your best judgement, and discuss it with those who have healthy outlooks/marriages.

 

Lots of good advice here. We have walked some of this in practice in our marriage (with open discussions), though I haven't read the book. It has done nothing but benefit our marriage, as it has brought understanding to both of us of our differences. We are pretty secure people who have a strong marriage, though.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Lots of good advice here. We have walked some of this in practice in our marriage (with open discussions), though I haven't read the book. It has done nothing but benefit our marriage, as it has brought understanding to both of us of our differences. We are pretty secure people who have a strong marriage, though.

 

We have used Your Love Path and Becoming One, both by Joe Beam, for this purpose and it has given us a strong and emotionally open marriage that this particular book failed at. Certainly more edifying. Arguably more Biblical, for those concerned about such things. Highly recommended.

[texasmama]

We have used Your Love Path and Becoming One, both by Joe Beam, for this purpose and it has given us a strong and emotionally open marriage that this particular book failed at. Certainly more edifying. Arguably more Biblical, for those concerned about such things. Highly recommended.

 

Thank you for this recommendation.:001_smile: Dh and I love to read things that make us think and lead to good discussion. It always enriches our relationship. I will look at this book.:001_smile:

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

Thank you for this recommendation.:001_smile: Dh and I love to read things that make us think and lead to good discussion. It always enriches our relationship. I will look at this book.:001_smile:

 

You're welcome. DH and I are the same. I actually prefer our time in such books and their discussion to have been more profitable to our relationship than our current church Bible study on marriage. Shhh .. don't tell.

[texasmama]

You're welcome. DH and I are the same. I actually prefer our time in such books and their discussion to have been more profitable to our relationship than our current church Bible study on marriage. Shhh .. don't tell.

 

:lol: Dh and I end up going much deeper than studies typically go so I "get" what you are saying. They can be a stepping point from which we move on to deeper conversations, though.:001_smile:

[simka2]

I can not say this strong enough, "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

 

If I believed in burning books...this would be my #1!!!!!

 

You can pm me if you want ;).

 

 

I figured this was a very heated response on my part and deserved a more well reasoned answer. In going back and doing som research I found this review which illustrates many of my issues with the book.

 

The first page of this book is a list of quotes from leading experts and professionals in Christian marriages and families. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, from Seattle Pacific University, hail this book as uncovering the secrets of the inner lives of men. "Shaunti Feldhahn has uncovered a mountain of meaningful information for any woman wanting to understand men at a profound level," they said. According to Bob Reccord, president of the North American Mission Board, this book is even said to have the power to "revolutionize your marriage!" I happened to miss these quotes when I first read the book and, to be quite blunt, now that I have read this book I can honestly say it did have a profound impact on me - and my upchuck reflex. I shudder to think that this book is on the best-seller list and that hundreds of thousands of men and women are reading this propaganda. Not only are they reading it, they are believing it because she has the "scientific proof" to back it up! In as little space as I am given in this response, let us examine Feldhahn's take on sex and the male mind.

 

Feldhahn believes that the lack of sex men are experiencing in their marriages is a "crisis." A crisis. Along the lines of the September 11th terrorist attack? Or the tsunami that washed over Southeast Asia? Nope. We have the real crisis right here in America! Men aren't getting enough sex! It's a crisis, according to Feldhahn, because men who do not have sex with their wives as often as they need it are not able to develop a secure, emotionally intimate relationship with their significant other. Lack of sex breeds "secret feelings of inadequacy. Making love assures him that you find him desirable, salves a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence" (pp. 92-93). Feldhahn goes on to state, "Your lack of desire can send him into depression" (p. 101). Yep, that's right. Straight out of a night-time soap opera off the WB...oh, wait! Silly me! These are statements from a Christian woman who is trying to "help" husbands and wives develop deeper, more intimate relationships. What's wrong with these statements? Let's discuss them on a few levels.

 

First, statements such as these are too reductionistic. A statement that assumes men are only able to emotionally connect with their spouse or significant other through sex reduces men to walking penises! Furthermore, it is quite insulting to the emotionally mature male who is able to connect with his wife with his mind and soul, not simply with his genitals. Second, these statements are a cruel manipulation of women. It shifts all responsibility for the development of emotionally mature relationships to women. The man is insecure. He apparently is not clever enough to get his needs met by any other means, so the woman has to offer her body as a way to begin the connection process. What a great lesson we are teaching our young women and girls. It used to be said that the best way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Not so today. The best way to a man's heart is through his penis. This is fodder for a dangerous fire. "If you have sex with me, I'll know that you really love me." Now, the experts are telling us that our grandmothers were lying. A man really will connect with us emotionally if we sleep with him.

 

Third, if these statements were true, if men were looking for a deep, emotional, lasting connection through sex, why are there so many single, sexually-experienced men? If a true emotional connection was found through sex, such that the deep feelings of inadequacy and loneliness were healed, why do men often find it necessary to have sex with multiple partners? If the need for a deep emotional connection was met through sex, why then the woman with whom he first had sex should be enough. To sleep with woman after woman would leave emotional scars that would only tear down the confidence and self-worth that he has built up through sex. It's a catch-22. Fourth, Feldhahn's conclusion that a woman's lack of desire can send her male partner into depression shows a clear disregard for ethical research. Other than her survey, there is no empirical causal support for her claim. This is simply one of many manipulative statements Feldhahn makes under the guise of "good research."

 

I am horribly disappointed that this message is being sent out into the world. There is an underlying "good" here that is twisted in a package that will be ultimately damaging to our children and to ourselves. Yes, we must be careful of our spouse's emotional, physical, sexual, and relational needs. But we must do this out of love and respect that is guided by a sense of mutuality in the marriage relationship, not by catering to an unhealthy sense of self-worth that is so pervasive in the responses of Feldhahn's participants. Feldhahn has taken these unhealthy responses and twisted them into normal "healthy" responses that women must then take care of through their behavior and appearance. We should not buy into this myth. Rather, we should take seriously the feelings of low self-esteem, poor attachment, and an un-Biblical view of the role of women in a marriage relationship that were demonstrated by the participant's responses and work to improve the messages we are sending the men in our society.

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

I am horribly disappointed that this message is being sent out into the world. There is an underlying "good" here that is twisted in a package that will be ultimately damaging to our children and to ourselves. Yes, we must be careful of our spouse's emotional, physical, sexual, and relational needs. But we must do this out of love and respect that is guided by a sense of mutuality in the marriage relationship, not by catering to an unhealthy sense of self-worth that is so pervasive in the responses of Feldhahn's participants. Feldhahn has taken these unhealthy responses and twisted them into normal "healthy" responses that women must then take care of through their behavior and appearance. We should not buy into this myth. Rather, we should take seriously the feelings of low self-esteem, poor attachment, and an un-Biblical view of the role of women in a marriage relationship that were demonstrated by the participant's responses and work to improve the messages we are sending the men in our society.

 

I like this paragraph particularly.

 

Honestly though, even from an incomplete recollection I find this review only scratching the surface of the problems I do recall with this book and it's basis.

 

Going to Amazon's listing and clicking the one star reviews seems to pretty much cover it though. :D

 

I see someone said there is mention of God and sin in this book but I honestly don't recall much emphasis being placed what pleases God (both in how men deal with these things and how women ought to respond), the transforming power of the Holy Spirit (did anyone polled know about this at all??) or on identifying sinful thoughts and behaviors as sin and the primary need to repent of them before God regardless of what a wife is or is not doing. It's possible I'm just not remembering it but apparently others don't remember it either.

 

There are SO many more Biblical and helpful books. Please save your money and if you insist on reading it -- use the library!

[Hockey Mom]

It's a good book for those with stereotypical husbands and who are themselves stereotypical wives. If you know your dh is *not* like most other men, don't bother.

 

I can not say this strong enough, "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

 

If I believed in burning books...this would be my #1!!!!!

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

And I especially agree with Simka's follow up post. Excellent points, Simka.

 

The youth pastor at our former church used to keep a blog. I subscribed to it. When he posted his thoughts (wrt this book) he basically said that women should do their best to look like a "rock star" for their husbands. Those were his words - "rock star". He went into great detail about how a woman should keep her body for her husband. I was horrified. This guy had TEENS following his advice. I replied on his blog, asking which chapter and verse commanded us to look like 'rock stars' for our husbands. Where exactly, did Jesus say we were to try to minimize the fat on our stomachs?

 

He deleted the blog post a few hours after I kicked the hornet's nest.

 

We got into a huge fight, with neither one of us budging on the issue. He "blamed" his posting and opinion on the book for men. I told him and the senior pastor (who was 29 years old) that this youth pastor was not qualified to lead teens, much less conduct musings on marriage when HE wasn't even married.

 

I pulled my DD from the youth group, then a few months later, we quit going to that church.

 

Christians looking to build on their marriages should avoid this book like the plague.

 

ETA: I just want to add, that this book sets marriages up for failure, IMO. It plants unhealthy seeds.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Hockey Mom

[Ottakee]

I did get the book to read and so far---about mid way through chapter 2 I am finding it very good. Sounds like there is some controversy over some of the other chapters but I am able to pick and chose what will fit our marriage.