s/o calm, cool and collected thread: resources requested

[JennyD]

Spinning off of the thread about folks who are inevitably calm .. alas, that is not me. I mean, we're not in Mommie Dearest territory or anything like that, but there are too many days when I am just not the mom that I want to be. I am increasingly realizing that it isn't them, it's me, and losing my temper is just unacceptable, period.

 

Can anyone suggest any good resources on anger management for parents? (Non-Christian, please, thanks.)

Edited January 8, 2011 by JennyD

[Peela]

I have been reading the book The Happiness Project and I think it has some great ideas in it for how to bring balance and happiness into our lives. She definitely goes into her anger issues and her treatment of her husband and 2 girls and how she spent time realyl focusing on changing her behaviour.

 

I am sort of coming to the conclusion that if one wants to change a behaviour one needs to simply do it. In this book, she talks about having a chart for the behaviours she wants to encourge or change in herself, and she ticks them off each day when she succeeds. I am goign to try it (she will send you her chart if you like- go to the Happiness Project blog).

It has made me realise how much I tend to wallow in my negativity instead of just letting go and behaving well in spite of not feeling great. She talks about how acting like we want to feel can actually really help us feel like it. I realise how much I tend to put my unhappiness onto the people around me- talk about it, even expect them to listen- and how much that really doesnt help most of the time, although I am not giving myself a hard time here- just noticing.

 

I tihnk we just need to be gentle with ourselves when we behave in ways we dont like, apologise, and then go back to doing our best.

[Laurie4b]

http://www.celebratecalm.com/

 

The Calm Kids Parenting CD's are excellent. His core teaching is that before you can do anything for your kids, you have to be calm. There are tons of parenting tips. All very practical. The set of CD's is pricey, but is worth it. He runs a camp for kids with behavior problems and also travels all over the country doing seminars, which are often held at schools or churches and are typically free.

 

His material is secular.

[Rosie_0801]

Are you sufficiently fed, watered, rested and have a chance for a bit of gentle exercise each morning? We don't expect great behaviour from kids when they are tired, thirsty, have been cooped up in the house and haven't had a proper meal in the last few hours. If you take care of these things, you'll find that you need to divert far less willpower towards this area.

 

 

Rosie

[Nakia]

Xanax

[Margo out of lurking]

My dd was so easy to parent. Then my ds came along. My throat would get sore from yelling so much (and he still wouldn't listen). I finally realized how awful I sounded and began focusing on talking to him like I would want his preschool teacher to speak to him. It was wrong for me to treat him worse than I would allow anyone else to treat him.

 

I had to detach myself, get impersonal, and speak softly. It took time, and I had to refocus my efforts for several weeks. But it got easier, and then it became a habit.

 

Eight years later, I'm still not much of a yeller.

[Dana]

Xanax

 

:lol:

 

But then we don't get much school done because I often nap.

I do feel calmer though!

[KidsHappen]

Xanax

 

 

My first choice. :001_smile:

[delaney]

Honestly 20mg of Prozac daily take the top off my steam. I feel the anger start to swell and it's like someone let's a release valve go! I just don't fume about stuff and DH noticed 24 hours after I started. I yelled a few times the other day at DS (4) when the PMDD kicked in, but that is mild for the way I usually am. I love not blowing my top.:)

[JennyD]

Thanks so much for the replies. I'm not quite ready for the drugs :tongue_smilie:but I really appreciate all the suggestions. A friend of mine read the Happiness Project and highly recommended it. I think I'm going to go ahead and make myself a sticker chart, complete with rewards.

 

Alas, I am nowhere near rested, fed, watered, and exercised most of the time. I am working hard on getting into bed at a reasonable hour, but unfortunately much of the rest is just going to have to wait a couple of years. In the meantime, though, I need to stop snapping at the kids.

 

Thanks again.

[elizabeth]

Xanax

 

elavil.

[Mothersweets]

So how do you get the Xanax or elavil or whatever? Do you just go to your doctor and say,"Hey, I just about blow my top with my kids every day...I need something to chill me out" or what?

 

I guess I always thought you had to go through some big process to get them?

[Nakia]

So how do you get the Xanax or elavil or whatever? Do you just go to your doctor and say,"Hey, I just about blow my top with my kids every day...I need something to chill me out" or what?

 

I guess I always thought you had to go through some big process to get them?

 

 

I see a psychiatrist.

[Mothersweets]

Thank you :)

[melissel]

I'm by nature a generally annoyed person. I'm exactly like my dad, and my DD5 is exactly like me, and she has been from birth. (I swear it--I can tell you specific stories!) So I don't know if it's nature or nurture or what, but I've found that 100 mg of 5-HTP daily really takes the edge off my anger levels. Without it, I go from 0 to shrieking in about 3 seconds flat, before I can even register the beginning feelings of annoyance that might provide the warning sign for me to tell myself to calm down. With it, I can find myself calmly dealing with the daily grind, not yelling and speaking rationally when called for.

 

(Full disclosure: I can still occasionally shriek, like last night when I was slicing mushrooms trying to get dinner on the table quickly but also trying not to remove my fingertips and the bickering in the living room reached epic proportions. PMS can usually override the 5-HTP. Then I do what Peela suggested: Stop, apologize, and move on.)

[Sparkle]

Lexapro for me, thanks :D

 

I'm copying and pasting an e-newsletter by Diane Hopkins, which I found very helpful and thought-provoking:

 

...So, the first lesson of homeschool is the lesson of whose word is law, and who must obey. Teach it well!

 

I want to assure you that I completely believe in being a benevolent, kind, loving, and compassionate director. But ruler Mom must be, if there is to be peace, order, and learning going on in the home. Mom has to set out the expectations, and teach her children to obey her. If you are a tender mother, this doesn’t come easy. It is more natural to be easy-going, to overlook mild disobedience, and to make excuses for our children (she’s shy, he forgets his manners, he’s a “real boyâ€, etc.) But just as the little sapling tree grows into a rigid, immovable giant oak, so will your little ones develop habits that are nearly unbreakable by the pre-teen and teenage years. A gentle, insistent and constant nudge in the right direction now will make the man later.

 

Of course, we want our children to learn academics, but the most important lessons have to do with character training and habits, and learning to control oneself. Be constant in the way you act, Mom. You are modeling what you want your children to act like. Be happy, smile, be a friend—but be in control. Be ultra dependable. Make sure they know that you are not to be meddled with, and that if you say it, it will surely come to pass. Don’t break promises. Better yet, don’t make promises. If you can’t absolutely be certain you are taking them swimming today, don’t promise it. Breaking your word makes your rules less easy to obey (perhaps you’ll change your mind on the rules, too). Create a home environment of trust, security, clear cut rules and consequences. Don’t let the child who whines get their way. Never never let crying, fighting, meanness, impatience or coaxing pay off. Enjoy your children and laugh with them and be their favorite person. Don’t accidentally reward any smidgen of negative behavior (with either your attention, or letting them getting their way). Children sense what is right and fair and they will respect you for not overlooking or brushing off infractions. You must convince them by your lessons and by your own behavior, that good things come to those who behave, and obey Mom and the family rules. When you have done this, not only will they be great students, but they will be good family members that you enjoy being around, and eventually good citizens...

 

I watched the elephants when I was a young mother, and they influenced me greatly. The elephant mother is quite peaceful and even-tempered. She moves slowly and doesn’t get easily agitated. All goes perfectly well until her baby misbehaves! I watched a movie about elephants walking across the savanna in Africa. They were moving steadily along, in line, with other elephants, when a baby elephant stepped out of the line, wandering the other direction. He only got a couple of steps away, when suddenly, Mother Elephant powerfully reached out with her trunk and slapped the baby back into line. The baby was stunned, but by the time he recovered and looked up, the mother was back to her peaceful steady self. No hard feelings. No lectures. No grudges. No frowns. Just immediate consequences that a baby could easily learn to avoid. I was impressed.

 

This kind of discipline seemed so healthy to me, that I tried to be that mother elephant for my kids. Mom is happy, smiling, playful, and easy to be with. No nagging. No lectures. No frowning especially! Then when the child moves out of line, she acts swiftly to correct it, never raising her voice, but making perfectly sure that her child knows exactly what is expected and that what he did was not okay. Then immediately, it is back to sunshine, acceptance, love, and a happy mood. No good is done by being in a bad mood, harboring ill feelings, drawing out punishment, or repeating lectures. Children are learning, they are practicing, and we should expect them to push the limits and try out breaking the rules. To see if they really are rules and if the consequences really will happen. That is how they learn. If it never, ever pays to disobey, they will learn more quickly. The children will stop fighting—because you have engineered it so the consequences are just not worth it. They won’t have to be told twice, because they know after you say it once, if they don’t move to action, you’ll be right there, making sure they do just what you asked them to, and there will be consequences. Eventually, all you have to do is just “look†like you are going to get up and they’ll run to obey. My kids laugh about that at my house. If I made a sudden move, the children all would hop to. This has been a very effective way to parent, and to get cooperation in the home.

 

Every child needs to feel that Mom is their best friend, and always on their side. Wouldn’t life be lonely and frightening without that? I tried to never put enmity between us—it was important for me that my child knew I was always on his side, commiserating with him that he had to live with the consequence of breaking the law. I wanted my children to know that I had to keep the rules too, and that we were hand-in-hand in life, trying to learn to live the rules and not suffer the consequences. I felt bad when he didn’t obey, not mad at him, but sad that he had to live with the consequence, because I truly felt that way. I cried with him. I wanted my child to know that my love extended to compassion for him suffering the consequence of disobedience. I often set the timer, and used the timer as the enemy, rather than me being at odds with my child: “Oh no! Hurry and get ready, it is going to ring and then we won’t be able to play a game before bed! Hurry, hurry–I want to play with you!â€

 

As children learn to obey you, things will run so much more smoothly and more happily. Homeschool will be a pleasure—time you share with your best friends, to learn and do and enjoy together. It will cease to be so much effort or fight to make kids do what they are supposed to. Cooperation turns a job into joy.

[Negin]

I have lots of tips, but don't want to overwhelm here, since it might defeat the whole purpose of this thread. I'm never calm and collected enough, but I try ... it's very, very hard.

 

I haven't yet tried these, but I really do want to. Heard fabulous stuff about them. Amazon has them. Have seen them in health stores also.

 

The Bach Flower Remedies represent a form of psychotherapy in a bottle, a noninvasive modality to address negative emotional states like:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Impatience

A Welsh homeopath, Dr. Edward Bach recognized in the 1920s that, if herbs have healing powers, so must flowers. Over many years, he experimented with numerous flowers and trees to create a total of 38 plant-based Bach Flower Remedies.

Bach Rescue Remedy is used in many emergency rooms to help alleviate trauma.

Centuary is useful for boundary issues, especially for people who give too much of themselves

Impatiens is good for irritability and short tempers.

Oak is for those determined types who struggle on (despite setbacks) through adversity or illness.

Rock water can ease tension for those who tend to be hard on themselves.

[Carol in Cal.]

Breast feeding. If I had had 4 kids and spaced this out, what a difference that would have made. Alas, I only had one.

 

Borage oil. This really, really helped me with perimenopausal 'annoyance'. Huge massive overwhelming difference.

 

Determination to pick my battles and then win each one.

[WarriorMama]

Breast feeding. If I had had 4 kids and spaced this out, what a difference that would have made. Alas, I only had one.

 

Borage oil. This really, really helped me with perimenopausal 'annoyance'. Huge massive overwhelming difference.

 

Determination to pick my battles and then win each one.

 

Wait, breastfeeding made you calmer overall? I wish that worked for me!

[BarbecueMom]

I'm by nature a generally annoyed person. I'm exactly like my dad, and my DD5 is exactly like me, and she has been from birth. (I swear it--I can tell you specific stories!) So I don't know if it's nature or nurture or what, but I've found that 100 mg of 5-HTP daily really takes the edge off my anger levels. Without it, I go from 0 to shrieking in about 3 seconds flat, before I can even register the beginning feelings of annoyance that might provide the warning sign for me to tell myself to calm down. With it, I can find myself calmly dealing with the daily grind, not yelling and speaking rationally when called for.

 

(Full disclosure: I can still occasionally shriek, like last night when I was slicing mushrooms trying to get dinner on the table quickly but also trying not to remove my fingertips and the bickering in the living room reached epic proportions. PMS can usually override the 5-HTP. Then I do what Peela suggested: Stop, apologize, and move on.)

 

:iagree: I'm a skeptic on supplements, but I went ahead and got the 5-HTP to help with the frustration of being home all day with two toddlers. It definitely helps with the anger, as well as with sleeping. If the kids would wake up in the middle of the night, I used to get up and be wide awake. Now I feel groggy in the middle of the night, like I should, and wake up feeling actually rested in the morning.

 

Same here with the PMS. We have a "bad day" once a month. Netflix and chocolate helps a little. :001_smile:

[Sasharowan]

Taking a yoga class went a long way to helping me. We did not directly address anger or anything like that, but it gave me some focusing techniques for releasing negative emotion or even just the stress of too much going that pops up now and then. Deep breathing centering. We got the Wii this Christmas and I have been doing the Wii Fit and I feel more relaxed with the yoga included in my routine again.

[Sevilla]

A few resources:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Angry-Exchanging-Frustration-Character/dp/0877880301/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1295634829&sr=8-2

http://www.amazon.com/When-Anger-Hurts-Your-Kids/dp/1572240458/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1295634810&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Shes-Gonna-Blow-Dealing-Anger/dp/0736915524/ref=pd_sim_b_5

[Audrey]

Daily yoga, plenty of Vitamin B and sunshine, 9-10 hours of sleep every single night, 3 small, but nutritious meals of real food every day. Get dressed like you're going out to something important every day (not necessarily a party, but something worth wearing actual clothes for) -- including doing your make-up and hair if you would normally do that to go out.

 

These are the things that put you in the right frame of mind for meeting challenges in the day. You have to take care of yourself like you would take care of your children or other loved ones. If you are always the one left with the scraps and inattention, how can you be happy with that?

 

On top of that, here are a couple of blogs. You can subscribe and get a little something every day that may give you some pause for thought or a new perspective on things.

 

Zen Habits

 

The Positivity Blog

 

The Happiness Project

 

Lastly, realize that while other people that do things that make you lose it, you do things that make others want to lose it as well. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to forget that, but try anyway and extend people the grace you would want extended to you. Children count as people, too.

Edited January 21, 2011 by Audrey

[AngelBee]

Taking notes...