Should I stay or should I go?

[maddykate]

As some of you may remember, we are living in South Korea right now and will be here until May. I have a very difficult decsion to make regarding staying here with my husband until May or leaving in January. Here are a few details....

 

Obviously, you know the situation regarding North and South Korea...it is calm at the moment, but it is pretty stressful worrying about the "what could happen" thoughts.

 

We are also building a house on our farm in the States and it is at the point that the builder is starting to need our input with many, many decisions. Being thousands of miles away makes it very difficult.

 

Our quality of life would be SO much better if we went back to the US. We are very limited on what we are able to do here and our dc would be able to be part of so many wonderful things that we just can't do here.

 

My husband works INCREDIBLY long hours...like, he is gone by 6:30am and doesn't get home until 10:00pm. And then the poor guy eats a bite, takes a shower, and goes to bed so he can do it all over again tomorrow. 6 days a week. I am glad that I am here when he is home, but he is home so little.

 

Part of me wants to jump on the next plane leaving, but then the other part wants to stay to be here with my husband any minute I can grab. I am thankful that I have the opportunity to hold him, even if it is while he is sleeping, and I don't want to regret leaving when I could have stayed. But then, logically, I think of the real reasons why it would be a good idea to go now.

 

My husband is completely supportive for me to go now. He says that it would take some of the burden off of him if I were there to see to the responsibilties of the house. And he would be happy that the children and I were doing fun/more quality of life things on our farm in the States. However, of course, he would miss us. He also worries about the "what ifs" of North/South Korea and feels like it would bring a certain peace of mind if we were not on the peninsula.

 

Am I abandoning my responsibilities by leaving/dividing our family or am I being a helpmeet to my husband by helping ease the burden of his responsibilities?

 

Thanks for reading this far. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

Maddy

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

what are the internet capabilities in Korea where you are? Could you use Skype to keep some contact with your DH? (doesn't match up to snuggling in the same bed but it does ease the distance). Nowadays distances aren't as bad as before. With Skype, you get free video with a good connection. You would be able to see each other mornings and evenings, if you wish to.

 

I would say you can come home and supervise the building of the new house.

[dm379]

I so get where you are coming from. We were at Yongsan up until 3 weeks ago. We were so ready to get out of there! Is he going to deploy when he gets back? We knew dh would be gone almost as soon as we got to the states and that played a huge factor with the kids and I not leaving early. Can you get an ERD? If not can you afford it?

 

From what I know of the place, I say go if you are sure your dh is okay with it. I know tons that leave early and they seem so much happier.

[RoughCollie]

Reasons for returning to U.S., in no particular order:

 

1. Political situation

2. Supervision of builder

3. Quality of life

4. DH peace of mind

 

Reasons for staying:

 

1. Keep DH company between 10 pm and 6 a.m., while he is asleep.

2. Keep DH company on 7th day when he is not working.

3. Commiserate with DH when you are both worried about the house you are building in the US, your DC's quality of life, and the political situation.

 

I would go. I think that would be fully supportive of your DH. Yes, your family would have to sacrifice being together for 5 months. BUT the greater good for the family is served only if you and the DC return to the U.S., IMO.

[Pam Wilhelm]

I'd go back to the States.

[Parrothead]

Get your stuff packed and head home.

[Brigitte]

Among the reasons already mention for leaving, I would add that it might help your dh for you to be gone. He probably feels bad/guilty that he is away from the family all day 6 days a week and that he can't spend more time with you. If you are back in the States taking care of things with the new house and out of harms way, he might feel a sense of relief.

[Tarreymere]

I would go and supervise the house building, if I were you. That seems to be where you could help your husband the most right now, not to mention making him less stressed worrying about the political situation in the area and your safety. It sounds like his job is incredibly stressful to begin with and anything you could do to make it easier would be very helpful to him.

 

If if were my DH, I know I would miss him terribly and feel guilty leaving him there and going back home, but it does seem to me that if you two are a team then it makes sense for one team member to go and take on this building project.

[Capt_Uhura]

If it were me, I would go back to the states. Now if your DH really wanted you there, I'd stay, but it sounds like it would ease some of his burdens to have you back in the States (seeing to the farm, your and the kids safety). I know how hard it is. My DH and I lived apart for 2yrs while we were dating and it was very difficult and we didn't even have the internet capabilities we have today. I'd make sure both computers have good cameras, set up Video chat, and get on that plane home. The time will go by quickly for your DH and before you know it, he'll be home with you.

 

I wish you much luck and peace of mind in your decision.

 

Capt_uhura

[Remudamom]

I wouldn't hesitate. Take the children and go. Oversee the building, I didn't get all that done while we were building and I wish I had.

[Mommyof4ks]

It sounds as though your hubby would feel better if you and the kiddos were back in the states. IMO you would only be abandoning your responsibilities if your hubby were not in agreement with your leaving. It stinks that sometimes we have to be separated from part of our family, but you will come back together with a new appreciation for one another. :grouphug: What a hard decision.

[Heather in AL]

Reasons for returning to U.S., in no particular order:

 

1. Political situation

2. Supervision of builder

3. Quality of life

4. DH peace of mind

Reasons for staying:

 

1. Keep DH company between 10 pm and 6 a.m., while he is asleep.

2. Keep DH company on 7th day when he is not working.

3. Commiserate with DH when you are both worried about the house you are building in the US, your DC's quality of life, and the political situation.

 

I would go. I think that would be fully supportive of your DH. Yes, your family would have to sacrifice being together for 5 months. BUT the greater good for the family is served only if you and the DC return to the U.S., IMO.

 

Among the reasons already mention for leaving, I would add that it might help your dh for you to be gone. He probably feels bad/guilty that he is away from the family all day 6 days a week and that he can't spend more time with you. If you are back in the States taking care of things with the new house and out of harms way, he might feel a sense of relief.

 

I would go and supervise the house building, if I were you. That seems to be where you could help your husband the most right now, not to mention making him less stressed worrying about the political situation in the area and your safety. It sounds like his job is incredibly stressful to begin with and anything you could do to make it easier would be very helpful to him.

 

If if were my DH, I know I would miss him terribly and feel guilty leaving him there and going back home, but it does seem to me that if you two are a team then it makes sense for one team member to go and take on this building project.

 

 

I agree with all of the above!! It will be hard to be apart from each other, but with everyone being so busy, May will be here before you know it!

[kalanamak]

R

 

I would go. I think that would be fully supportive of your DH. Yes, your family would have to sacrifice being together for 5 months. BUT the greater good for the family is served only if you and the DC return to the U.S., IMO.

 

:iagree:

[Mrs Mungo]

My dh and I have chosen to be together except for when we don't have a choice. We spend enough time involuntary separated.

[elfgivas]

My dh and I have chosen to be together except for when we don't have a choice. We spend enough time involuntary separated.

 

:iagree: this is the choice we make, too.

[secular_mom]

I would go. It would be about the same length of time as a Navy deployment so we'd deal with it. I think I'd be too stressed out staying with the current conflict. I think it would make life much easier for your DH if you go- he would be able to focus on his job without worrying about you and the kids.

[specialmama]

I would return to the farm as well. It's only 5 months, and he is all for you going. Consider it a good opportunity to prepare for his return, to make his homecoming less stressful by getting things in order. Don't feel guilty. Yes, you'll miss him, but there is so much more you could be doing back home for the benefit of the whole family. :grouphug:

[nukeswife]

I would go back to the states.

 

Dh has geo-bachelored it in the past once and we swore we'd never do it again, but now his next set of orders have come in and looks like we should have never said "never" Once he goes to his next duty station (in Sept) on west coast, the ship will go on deployment within a couple of month and won't return to the west coast after deployment. It will return to the east coast where we currently live. So even though we could be there with him for a few months we wouldn't see him much anyway, because he'll be so busy at work. Why put a family through that.

 

I think you're in a similar situation. Your dh could have more piece of mind if you were stateside and that would help with his burden, so since he's in agreement about you returning ahead of him, I say go for it.

[Trish]

I can appreciate your situation and your love for your husband. At the same time, with military tensions on the Korean peninsula, I'd think long and hard, okay, short and hard, about getting the kids out of there. Also, when we built our house there were many times we were glad we were available to the builder because things would've gone the wrong way if we hadn't intervened. That would be added reason to go.

 

Pray about it.

[freetobeme]

i would move back with the children for many of the reasons already given. best wishes!

[Lolosoli]

If my husband was supportive about it I would go....I'd be on the next flight first thing January.

[WTMCassandra]

I think you and your husband should decide together what would be best for the whole family. From what you describe, perhaps that would be for you to go back to the States, but I'd want to make really, really sure that my husband thought it was best. I would want HIM to be comfortable with the decision, rather than base it on my comfort level.

[Scarlett]

My dh and I have chosen to be together except for when we don't have a choice. We spend enough time involuntary separated.

 

I agree....and would normally NEVER recommend husband and wives be seperated....however, with the political situation and her dh working so much and how he wants her to go oversee the house building....I'd go home.

[maddykate]

Thank you all for your replies. My husband has a couple of days off at the first of the year and we will use the time until then to pray for clear guidance on our decision. We will weigh out all the pros/cons of leaving, then sit down to decide what is best for our family.

 

Thank you all again! I truly do appreciate it.

 

Maddy

[OLG]

Go!

[Aggie]

How old are your dc? Will you be close to family back at the farm?

 

When my dh was AD, we would have stayed. The deployments stole enough of our precious time together. We would not have chosen to be apart. Dh would have been crushed to not be able to see the dc for 4-5 months, and the dc would have missed him terribly. :(

[SonshineLearner]

When are you going to be home? Can you be back by New Year's Eve?? :) Come Home!!

:)

[Amira]

My dh and I have chosen to be together except for when we don't have a choice.

 

:iagree:

[engu]

It's best to stick together as a family, but there are times when you have to think ahead and think about your family's future. Five months apart in your situation isn't too long, though it'll certainly feel like years when you're actually apart. Despite what others may say, a separation can be a healthy experience as it'll force you to communicate in a way that you would not otherwise do while you're together.

 

It's important that you are close to friends and family who can provide emotional support and comfort when you're apart. I'm talking about the type of friends you and your kids can hang out with, and you can open your heart to when the going gets rough - and it will. This, more than anything else will make the greatest difference in your ability to cope while you're apart.

 

We've actually had to separate for five months, so we're speaking from experience. DH had to move overseas (from a 3rd world to a 1st world country) to find a job to support a family and find a home to live in. We did it because we wanted a better future for our family. Looking back, we've never regretted the decision, in fact, the sacrifice brought us a lot closer together.

 

There's a lot of things to do and set-up whenever you move to a new country, so the earlier you start working on it, the better of you're going to be. We managed to get by using Skype - though it's not the same thing - you're still able to see and talk to each other. The internet infrastructure in South Korea and the US is among the best in the world, so you won't have a problem communicating over the internet.

 

I hope all works out for you in the new year:001_smile:

[Denisemomof4]

I think you already have your answer and your dh's blessing.;)

 

I think dh and I both would place the safety of our kids above all else, but also, I can't IMAGINE building a home and not being there to oversee it all! That alone would be incredibly stressful. I just had an addition put on and our contractor had questions that needed to be addressed All The Time.