mama2cntrykids Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) I got the answers that I was looking for. Thanks. Edited December 24, 2010 by mama2cntrykids Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Don't make it optional. His world comes to a halt until he goes to counseling. Period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 I am so sorry you are going through this. Just to let you know where I am coming from, I have a MS in Criminal Justice and did all my coursework for a PhD. This kid is probably seriously dangerous. There is a well known serial progression of these kinds of behavior and it is not something that a normal counselor would be familiar with or know how to deal with. I think it is so serious that he needs to not live in your home. I am most worried about your safety since he seems to be interested in adult women- it is your underwear he is stealing and now sneaking into your room. Can he live with ex wife? IF not, I would be looking for an inpatient treatment center that deals with sexually deviancy. It probably wouldn't be local. I am just surprised that you didn't get expertise help after the underwear stealing. Is it your husband who is unwilling to get help or were you all just under the impression that this is some sort of normal teen boy behavior- it isn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted December 23, 2010 Author Share Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) . Edited December 24, 2010 by mama2cntrykids Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Yikes. Buy some locks and inform dh that things are going to hit the fan and then the both of you need to inform dss of what is going to happen. At this point, there is not going to be a discussion, but action. He won't like it. I wouldn't make going to live with ex an option. He needs professional help and it's your and dh's job to see to it he gets it. I don't even know that I'd talk to ds until after you and dh have sought professional advice on how to proceed and have a plan of action in place. Creepy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Jo Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Maybe you and DH should talk to some counselors first (maybe you should call one now, and see what is available). I know a 15 yo who sees counsolers, he is violent with family (pushing, etc - no weapons) when he doesn't get his way. And it does no good. He just works the system. :( As for today, do you have to be home? Why not take your kiddo and go to the park or go to the store and buy some stocking stuffers? If he really wants to join the army, I think he can do that younger (maybe 17) with your DH's consent. My Dad joined at 17. I'm not sure that would help him, but it would get him out of the house and he would still be in a 'controlled' environment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 OP, has he been a violent young man? I am sorry you are so worried. I agree, go out, and do something fun until Dh gets home. Chris, what does the underwear issue mean, you think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Don't make it optional. His world comes to a halt until he goes to counseling. Period. Yes. This. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnitaMcC Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Don't make it optional. His world comes to a halt until he goes to counseling. Period. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Do not take chances. You should not feel unsafe with him around!!!!!!!!!! Make it unconditional. If he is to live in your home.. he goes to counseling. And to be honest I would tell Dh that he better have a cell phone or at least a pager on him for emergencies such as this (or some way that I can reach him immediately!!!!!!). I would not want to deal with such a experience alone nor wait until he gets home to inform him. I also wouldn't confront the teen without Dh with me. Don't want to anger him. I understand the feeling of not being safe. My youngest nephew had violent rages (from age 10-13) and there were times that I absolutely forbid the younger kids and I being home alone with him (without Dh or older nephew being home). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Don't rule out the possibility of holiday-related secrecy. Hidden presents, etc. abound this time of year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Truscifi Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 I would talk to your dh first and have dh talk to a counselor with you about step ds. Then you and dh talk to step ds together. I would not address this with him by yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 Is is mother a bit distant? Is his life a bit stressful? Do you find your things missing when he's under stress of some kind? I don't want to presumptive but is it possible he's wearing these items? This does not mean he's psychotic. It's also something embarrassing for him to talk about. A close friend cross dresses. He's completely straight, very responsible and a good person but it helps with stress and makes him feel good. Even if this is not the case, I hope you are having better conversations with him about what he is doing other then 'knock it off.' At the very least you should be expressing to him that sneaking around your room while you're sleeping is creepy and that you would like an explanation. Frankly I would have needed a reason for the panty raids as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 I did wonder about that. Maybe he's not dangerous, just really scared & confused. (Whihc is why I asked earlier if he has violent tendancies). Maybe the adults could meet with a couselor first to discuss a plan of action/past behavior. A close friend cross dresses. He's completely straight, very responsible and a good person but it helps with stress and makes him feel good. Even if this is not the case, I hope you are having better conversations with him about what he is doing other then 'knock it off.' At the very least you should be expressing to him that sneaking around your room while you're sleeping is creepy and that you would like an explanation. QUOTE] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted December 23, 2010 Author Share Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) . Edited December 24, 2010 by mama2cntrykids Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 I ended up staying home until he got home, because I really felt like I needed to be heard. I told him that what happened this morning will NEVER happen again. I asked him if he knew it was wrong and he said yes. Then I asked if he knew it was wrong than WHY did he do it. He said that he didn't know. I told him that I will be keeping mace with me and if he's in my room again with out dh being there, he WILL get maced and I WILL call the police. He said he understood. I concluded by telling him that things were going to change around here and he probably won't like it, but that's how it is. No matter what he said to you, he DOES know the reason why he was in your room. Teen boys don't go quietly crawling around rooms where grown women are sleeping without knowing the reason. Suggestions: Hold off on any more conversations until you've sought counsel with someone who is familiar with this area. The reason I suggest counsel is that without knowing your way around these issues you can set up other problems (ie if this is predatory behavior, telling him you are now armed could make him decide to look for an easier, weaker target). It's also important that you and dad show a united front--he needs to be in on any such conversations in the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mama2cntrykids Posted December 23, 2010 Author Share Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) . Edited December 24, 2010 by mama2cntrykids Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 I would agree that if he is stealing underwear to wear himself, it isn't a thing that goes on to more serious issues, necessarily. If you don't know what he was stealing it for, is there any possibility that he could be stealing it to be a cross-dresser? Like is he anywhere near your size or is it impossible for him to wear your clothes? Did he only steal underwear or also normal clothes? IF he also stole normal clothes, that would be a good sign. I agree with the recommendation to lock your door. If he is going to be staying with you again, you need to locate a professional who is experienced with sexual deviancy. Not just any psychologist or psychiatrist. Someone who has experience with antisocial or psychopathology. THis is just extremely troubling to me and yes, I am a Christian and maybe he is repentant. However, it should be very troubling to you if he says he does these things as a compulsion. Have you had any other troubles with the young man? Specifically has he ever had an issue with lighting fires, harming animals, or bed wetting? (Bed wetting by itself isn't a danger, it is when combined with other symptoms). Have you had issues with him lying? Have you read THe Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker? I strongly recommend this book to you so that you can learn to trust your instincts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 Wait.... Are you guys saying he's dangerous because he is trying on her underwear? While I don't think that is normal, cross dressing isn't pathological. I would actually be worried that he was feeling a great deal of shame around those desires. Not sure how to ask this, but as gently as I can, could he be transgendered? I have two very close friends (one is the godmother of my oldest) who are transgendered, and for the male to female one, cross dressing was something she did as a teen. The crawling across the floor is weird, and I would DEFINITELY address that - why? I'm not saying he ISN'T dangerous; that's always a possibility, but I can't make the leap to sexual deviant and dangerous. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted December 24, 2010 Share Posted December 24, 2010 No, I don't believe she is saying he is trying on underwear. Being a transvestite would not be such a problem. What we are concerned about his a different sexual deviancy where the person steals underwear or shoes or what have you not to wear but for other reasons- sexual ones. It is a behavior that often evolves into more dangerous behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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