please help us fix this problem

[Mrs Mungo]

and one last time, I think it is DS'S responsibility to make things more comfortable.

 

I patently disagree with this if she is a guest in your home. If YOU are a host, it is YOUR job to try and make people comfortable in your home, ESPECIALLY when they are obvious uncomfortable. That is just good etiquette 101. If you want him to ease the way, try more meetings on neutral ground.

[Denisemomof4]

 

 

 

I would phrase it more like "we'd love to see you again before you head back to school." But, other than that? It's lovely that you're making the gesture.

 

perfect. Thanks!

 

Again, I learned here. I can't possibly know how painful it could have been for her, a very shy person, had I not turned here. Even my gf yesterday couldn't have taught me this.

[Denisemomof4]

 

In any case, I hope this is helpful.

 

Blessings,

 

very much so! Thank you!!!

[Denisemomof4]

I patently disagree with this if she is a guest in your home. If YOU are a host, it is YOUR job to try and make people comfortable in your home, ESPECIALLY when they are obvious uncomfortable. That is just good etiquette 101. If you want him to ease the way, try more meetings on neutral ground.

 

well, I guess I disagree with this because I have learned here that by trying to make her feel welcome, by trying to reach out to her, by asking questions (interrogation), that this was all too much on her. I do all I can to make her comfortable. I offer her something to drink, I make small talk, and I can't do anything else from there but accept her for who she is: quiet and shy and hopefully one day someone who can talk to us.

 

I think ds should have tried to help integrate her into our family more but I'm glad we don't have to face this situation again tomorrow or Saturday, although I do want to see her again.

 

I've tried but she's such an introvert that I need to give her space now. I have a better understanding of extremely shy people now.

[Aubrey]

you are absolutely right. But what I'm sick of hearing is how close ds is to their family while they isolate here. I told him that he's gotten to know all of them and that we deserve the same.

 

Well...if he's really good at communication, then it makes sense that he'd warm up to her family much quicker than she'd warm up to yours, since she's shy. I'd be proud of him for that!

 

As far as them seeming to isolate themselves, he's trying to bring her around but still protect her. My bro did that w/ his wife, & it was So. Awkward. at first, but it got better.

 

I am also painfully shy, but never to the point of rudeness. (Gosh--I hope!) I *do* know what you mean--sil was that way, but I don't think it was on purpose. (My mom did, though.) Still, whether this girl has actually been rude or not, I'd try really REALLY hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Responding with more than extremely short answers IS hard for some people. There are times that I sit with people *panicking* because I can't think of anything to say, & I can tell I need to say SOMETHING.

 

We were able to make friends w/ sil. My mom never was. Now bro & sil are divorced, but bro feels much closer to dh & me--he knows he can trust us. He told me after they separated how much it meant to him that we had tried so hard (successfully, fwiw) to build a relationship w/ her.

[Carol in Cal.]

Wow. That IS really rude. Even shyness doesn't excuse that, and since your son isn't shy, I would call him on it--right then and there.

 

No, no, no...he is 18. He is an adult. He is very uncomfortable already.

Don't, for heaven's sake, scold him.

Don't drive him further away.

Yes, he is being rude.

No, he probably hasn't noticed it.

In fact, it sounds like he is feeling all kinds of feelings that he has never felt before, and he sounds a bit overwhelmed.

I don't blame you for feeling as you do, but it's even ruder to notice rudeness and comment on it publicly than it is to be rude in the first place.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your stance should be, "I am the gracious, loving, warm, friendly one here. I am hosting. I will rise above all of this. Nothing will shake my determination to be very, very nice. Nothing. I will nice you all to death. And one day, you will appreciate that."

[Murphy101]

wow, this is rather harsh. This must be why I got a few pm's while I stepped away.

 

I'm not blaming her. I told dh that I blame ds more than HER for not integrating with our family at all. We've had hundreds of people in our home through the years, including shy ones. We've never been in a more uncomfortable situation. I'm NOT saying it's all her, but it's really going out on a limb to talk to me the way you did. House filled with stress? No. But it is filled with sadness as we adjust to holidays with deceased family members. It's sad, we will learn our way through it.

 

I'm certain my ds and his gf can relax here and they do. But nobody in our faimly was prepared for ds and gf to completely ignore us. We're learning here, too. Cut us some slack.

 

I am!?:001_huh: You said that when he since he met her he has withdrawn from the family and acts different. You say family has died and a mother in law is calling during dinner screaming at dh and upsetting him? Things so unsettled that dh tells son he can't bring the gf around until after Christmas bc the family just can't handle it? YES, that is a VERY stressful house. It's not mean to say that. It isn't a derogatory comment on you or your family. But I'd be hard pressed to not call that a stressed home.:confused:

 

I don't think anyone is thinking crappy thoughts about you. If ds is being rude, say so. To him. Right then. And it sounds like normal growing up type stuff combined with how upset you and dh are for other reasons, son might be processing some saddness himself making him thoughtless, which can be rude?

 

You phrase this wonderfully! It was something I was trying to say in a pm and just couldn't get across.

 

In my family, willfully trying to pull someone into a conversation they aren't ready for would be considered rude.

Different families have different rules/expectations.

 

Sometimes, when your shy, just being able to converse with one person, in the same room with other people is a big deal!

 

Denise, I was not trying to be inconsiderate to you. My heart just goes out to young woman who is so shy she was held back in school, and has been told she's not welcome at Christmas. I know you guys are going to try and repair

that, and I trully hope you do.

 

:iagree: obviously I fumbled my attempt. In my family, there's always clots of people talking apart from everyone else to the point that it seems they ignore others sometimes.

 

Aw, come on guys, young lovers whispering to each other on the sofa is adorable, not rude! Okay, maybe a bit rude as well, but also? So. freakin'. cute! I have a HUGE extended family, and I've seen this again and again and again. All of the ignored people just grin at each other.

 

Young lovers will do what young lovers do, and you guys have the choice of either taking it personally, or sitting back and enjoying the show.

 

This girl is shy and quite, quite young. I promise you that she is painfully aware of the "we don't think you're good for him" vibes, which is enough to make anyone commence radio silence. I'm not saying you weren't warm and welcoming, I'm not saying you ever implied anything, but I am saying most young girls have highly accurate radar for this.

 

I honestly wouldn't do anything to try to 'fix' the situation (other than apologizing to ds for telling him not to bring her, and to her if she is aware of this). Honestly, if my now m-i-l had suggeted lunch or baking cookies, just us, I would have been HORRIFIED, lol. I liked her just fine, but I didn't know

her, and I knew very well that I was sitting on the hot seat. Every new boyfriend/girlfriend knows this.

 

Very gently, I'd suggest that the other stressors in your lives are making this into more than what it needs to be. First love is overwhelming! It shakes your

world up like a snow globe; of course ds is acting differently. This is a time of sweet, special memories for them. It can be for you, too.

 

:iagree: completely. Denise, I really don't think you want to put the vibes out. I really believe you think you aren't. But you are!:D It just means you are human and so is she. It's not insulting.

 

FTR, SHE wanted to come apple picking and bake afterwards. Now I've learned not to invite for that again. SHE didn't

know I wanted to take her to lunch. I have learned to back way off and welcome shyness.

 

I really wish some of you weren't so crass. I was only trying and some of you IMO are way out of hand with some of the comments.

 

:confused: I don't think anyone here has been crass. If all you wanted was approval and agreement, well fine then.

 

I tell you kindly and honestly, my mil would have said exactly the same thing as you. To which my dh and I would not have bothered arguing over it and just did our own thing without his parents. Because young people tend to

react that way. How can you say there's no radar or vibe when dh has asked he not bring her around? When apparently the entire family has been discussing this issue (son and daughter have voiced opinion and dh is up in arms) of the uncomfortable presence that is the gf and come to agreement that she is unwelcome? Do you honestly think your son and his gf aren't going to get a vibe and radar off that?:confused:

 

Again. I don't think any of this makes you mean, rude, hateful or anything else. I think your family is under a lot of stress and worry and on top of all that your son is maturing and there's this new sorta family member adding a weird dynamic he is bringing home to deal with.

 

You asked how to repair things.

 

I honestly think just saying that to your son would help towards that. I can't see how it would hurt. :grouphug: and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas for your family.

[tex-mex]

I'm not quite understanding how you made a mistake. Could you clarify?

 

I think back when I first met my in-laws, my mother in law could have written this post. Truthfully, there were things already done that had closed me off, she just didn't realize it...and I just wanted out!!!

 

This can just be so hard!!!!

:iagree: This also could have been me -- written by my MIL over 23 years ago. We simply did not understand each other, period. Granted, she was a kind soul and everyone loved her. But she had no clue what her dear son saw in me!!!! LOL And it took years to rectify that original gaffe she made by making me feel like I was uninvited. Hubby would refuse to see his parents as a result. Finally, after the birth of their only grandchild, did the war cease. But oh my gawd... the carnage. The only good thing out of it was the fact my family were like "dead" to me and I came (out of respect for dh and ds) to all family holiday get-to-gethers. I was determined to have my child know their grandparents. We would make the 12 hour drive to see them twice a year for the last 2 decades. Now, MIL has brain cancer and may not see another Christmas... it is very bittersweet to now have her as my ally and "mom". I love her very much. But we both were coming from 2 different worlds when we first met.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: No advice, but do make the attempt to offer the peace branch by inviting her family over. Let ds stew in his own juices for now. Apologize if needed. The only thing I am worried is the fact she is close to her family -- I was not -- and I think if they do marry, it will cause more strain in the relationship. Hang in there.

[Mrs Mungo]

well, I guess I disagree with this because I have learned here that by trying to make her feel welcome, by trying to reach out to her, by asking questions (interrogation), that this was all too much on her. I do all I can to make her comfortable. I offer her something to drink, I make small talk, and I can't do anything else from there but accept her for who she is: quiet and shy and hopefully one day someone who can talk to us.

 

I'm sorry, I think this is a hard topic to discuss without some common terminology. :grouphug: But, making her comfortable doesn't necessarily mean asking questions and such. Sometimes, making someone comfortable means adjusting to them, giving them space when necessary, etc even when it's not your comfort zone. It sounds like you're trying to do that now. Hang in there. You are willing to work on this and that speaks volumes. I'm positive it will get better over time.

[Murphy101]

No, no, no...he is 18. He is an adult. He is very uncomfortable already.

Don't, for heaven's sake, scold him.

Don't drive him further away.

Yes, he is being rude.

No, he probably hasn't noticed it.

In fact, it sounds like he is feeling all kinds of feelings that he has never felt before, and he sounds a bit overwhelmed.

I don't blame you for feeling as you do, but it's even ruder to notice rudeness and comment on it publicly than it is to be rude in the first place.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your stance should be, "I am the gracious, loving, warm, friendly one here. I am hosting. I will rise above all of this. Nothing will shake my determination to be very, very nice. Nothing. I will nice you all to death. And one day, you will appreciate that."

 

Oh. I change my mind. I agree with you. If I were to call him in it, do it in private.:iagree:

[Homemama2]

:grouphug:

I haven't read the replies, but sounds like a lousy situation. Although the gf sounds like a pain (whether it is intentional or just extreme shyness), but if ds is talking marriage I would try to quickly fix things so she doesn't shut you guys out later. Call her up and make a point to say you'd love to have her over for Christmas. Take her out to lunch...something...tell her you and ds have always been close and you hope the two of you can be just as close. Make her feel loved. DS will love you for it, if you do it for no other reason. :D It might take a long time to build the relationship, but it will be worth it in the end.

[Rosie_0801]

Act as though you expect to like her. That would have done wonders with my relationship with my inlaws. Though, as far as dh knows, his parents don't like anyone, so perhaps they don't know how to act as though they like people.

 

Be yourself. She can't evaluate you and figure out how to interact with you if you're not acting like yourself. Even if you can't be yourself to her, you can't operate around her. Remember to treat her boyfriend like a man. It's not comfortable for a girlfriend to watch his parents treating him like a boy. It makes her feel as though she's supposed to behave like your daughter. Let him off the hook for some of the usual expected behaviours when she's around; minor chores like setting the table and trust he'll come back to them when they've worked themselves a niche. Don't vocalise "you don't have to help with the dishes when girlfriend is around" but ignore that he doesn't as though you weren't expecting he would.

 

Remember, awkward as it is, she'd much rather the two of you got along! Tell her your dh was tripping off other issues and not to mind him. Yeah, it puts him in the roll of bad guy, but it's less of a problem if there are issues between dil and fil than dil and mil.

 

Rosie

[simka2]

I think ds should have tried to help integrate her into our family more but I'm glad we don't have to face this situation again tomorrow or Saturday, although I do want to see her again.

 

I've tried but she's such an introvert that I need to give her space now. I have a better understanding of extremely shy people now.

 

 

I think I might regret this...Does this mean you guys are not going to invite her to Christmas? Or that, you have and she has declined the invite?

 

If it's the former, I would feel that any apology wasn't worth the breath it was spoken with.

 

I'm just really confused :confused: This thread started with a humble plea for help to fix a mistake you guys made. Apologizeing with no action behind it would be pretty pointless, right? It doesn't mean she has to accept, but....I'm just confused....

[Denisemomof4]

Well...if he's really good at communication, then it makes sense that he'd warm up to her family much quicker than she'd warm up to yours, since she's shy. I'd be proud of him for that!

 

As far as them seeming to isolate themselves, he's trying to bring her around but still protect her. My bro did that w/ his wife, & it was So. Awkward. at first, but it got better.

 

I am also painfully shy, but never to the point of rudeness. (Gosh--I hope!) I *do* know what you mean--sil was that way, but I don't think it was on purpose. (My mom did, though.) Still, whether this girl has actually been rude or not, I'd try really REALLY hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. Responding with more than extremely short answers IS hard for some people. There are times that I sit with people *panicking* because I can't think of anything to say, & I can tell I need to say SOMETHING.

 

We were able to make friends w/ sil. My mom never was. Now bro & sil are divorced, but bro feels much closer to dh & me--he knows he can trust us. He told me after they separated how much it meant to him that we had tried so hard (successfully, fwiw) to build a relationship w/ her.

 

 

can you tell me what you DID to try so hard with her?

 

I'm still going to back off, not that I was ever overbearing. I made small talk, asking about school, how her mother was, etc. Very light conversation that I never knew could make someone feel so uncomfortable. But now that I do, I will try harder not to try hard.;)

[Denisemomof4]

I am!?:001_huh: You said that when he since he met her he has withdrawn from the family and acts different. You say family has died and a mother in law is calling during dinner screaming at dh and upsetting him? Things so unsettled that dh tells son he can't bring the gf around until after Christmas bc the family just can't handle it? YES, that is a VERY stressful house. It's not mean to say that. It isn't a derogatory comment on you or your family. But I'd be hard pressed to not call that a stressed home.:confused:

 

now see, there you go again, reading into my posts. I never said she called DURING DINNER, but she did call. Dh was put off by it, hard not to even when it is a dementia pt. But still, we pushed it aside, and only did it compound when during dinner things were so awkward and uncomfortable. We did NOT have a stress filled day. Dh WAS stressed about the call but it didn't show to anyone else. Dinner was awkward and uncomfortable, NOT because of the call, and NOT because we are missing loved ones. The call happened before ds and gf ever even arrived.

 

 

 

:iagree: completely. Denise, I really don't think you want to put the vibes out. I really believe you think you aren't. But you are!:D It just means you are human and so is she. It's not insulting.

 

I really don't mean to clamp down on you, really I don't. But you're just being too presumptuous. Have YOU been here during our family gatherings to make this judgment? Honestly if everyone else (younger ds and dh) had kept their mouths shut and not talked to me, I never would have felt how I did in the first place. I would have moved on. These conversations took place AFTER everyone left. That's when I realized how bad it really was. When younger ds said out loud it was awkward, I hushed him and told him (jokingly) to go to bed and started to talk to my brother. You really have NO right to say I'm putting out these vibes here.

 

:confused: I don't think anyone here has been crass. If all you wanted was approval and agreement, well fine then.

 

Well, others feel differently and that's why they PM'd me. CLEARLY you're once again reading into my post that I want approval and agreement when I *CLEARLY* stated otherwise.

I tell you kindly and honestly, my mil would have said exactly the same thing as you. To which my dh and I would not have bothered arguing over it and just did our own thing without his parents. Because young people tend to

react that way. How can you say there's no radar or vibe when dh has asked he not bring her around? When apparently the entire family has been discussing this issue (son and daughter have voiced opinion and dh is up in arms) of the uncomfortable presence that is the gf and come to agreement that she is unwelcome? Do you honestly think your son and his gf aren't going to get a vibe and radar off that?:confused:

 

ok, I can't defend myself anymore. I'm really glad ds will be home with us on Christmas Day and I hope we have a wonderful time together.

You asked how to repair things.

 

I honestly think just saying that to your son would help towards that. I can't see how it would hurt. :grouphug: and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas for your family.

 

thank you, and that is exactly what I do.

 

It's not a stressful time here but it is a very sad time for me. All my family knows I'm struggling but I'm really trying to keep it all away from them because I want them to have a wonderful Christmas. I wasn't prepared for all these emotions to spark up again.

 

Again, I've learned a lot here and I thank each of you who have responded.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[Pink Fairy]

No, no, no...he is 18. He is an adult. He is very uncomfortable already.

Don't, for heaven's sake, scold him.

Don't drive him further away.

Yes, he is being rude.

No, he probably hasn't noticed it.

In fact, it sounds like he is feeling all kinds of feelings that he has never felt before, and he sounds a bit overwhelmed.

I don't blame you for feeling as you do, but it's even ruder to notice rudeness and comment on it publicly than it is to be rude in the first place.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Your stance should be, "I am the gracious, loving, warm, friendly one here. I am hosting. I will rise above all of this. Nothing will shake my determination to be very, very nice. Nothing. I will nice you all to death. And one day, you will appreciate that."

 

With all that's going on, I guess it might be too late to say something, even in private. But early on, yes, it would be something I would discuss. Plain and simple, it's disrespectful to knowingly ignore people who are speaking to you, and I wouldn't put up with it from a child living under my roof. Dogmatic, harsh, legalistic, whatever--I just wouldn't.

 

ETA: Sorry, Denise, this isn't a comment about you. I know you are struggling and are/have been doing your absolute best! In the end, your son loves you and he knows WHO you are--a loving mom, a welcoming mom, a mom who is trying her best. Whatever happens with this girl, that's all you can do - your best.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Mamabegood

[Findley2]

I am sorry you are going through this. It can be so hard assimilating a new person into your family. I have been on both sides of this situation. I am very shy and it takes me along time to feel comfortable with new people. Group/family gatherings can be almost painful, until I get to know people. Although I am much, much better than I was in my teens and twenties. My dh has a large, loud group of friends that he considered family. I did not fit in with them, and they did not like that he was changing. So I know how hard it can be, and my dh did not always do what he could to make it easier for anyone. Btw when he changed it was for the better. He quit drinking and partying and became much more focused on our family. The best thing my dh friends and his mother could have done was accept me the way I was and give me time to find my place.

On the other hand we cannot stand my dss1's girlfriend. They have been dating for over a year and he lives with her and parents. She is gradually pulling him away from his friends and family. She is not shy. I wish she was, I get that. We have always welcomed her and I thought we had a good relationship. However she has started trying to cause problems between us and dhs ex-wife. Telling her things that happen here, but only the parts that make me look bad. Really her problem seems to be with me. She doesn't agree with hs and tell my dss's that I don't know what I am doing. When my dss2 was in a car accident she told dss1 that they couldn't come home, we live 3 hrs away, because it would mess up her perfect attendance and put too many miles on her car. Even with all this we have been nice to her and have not said anything to dss, yet. We love him and don't want to alienate him. I am hoping that in time either he will break up with her or she will grow up and realize she does not know everything. Although what I would really love is to pack her in a box and send her to another dimension. Let them deal with her.:lol:

Really though I think that time, patience, and love can do a lot. Especially when you are dealing with someone who is shy and introverted. I don't know if any of this helps. Really I can't see that you have done anything awful. It's life people make mistakes and we don't always know exactly the right way to deal with a new situation. If you have done something wrong apologize any way you feel comfortable and move on. She's young give her time and acceptance. Either she will accept it or she won't. Just hang in there.

[Denisemomof4]

I think I might regret this...Does this mean you guys are not going to invite her to Christmas? Or that, you have and she has declined the invite?

 

If it's the former, I would feel that any apology wasn't worth the breath it was spoken with.

 

I'm just really confused :confused: This thread started with a humble plea for help to fix a mistake you guys made. Apologizeing with no action behind it would be pretty pointless, right? It doesn't mean she has to accept, but....I'm just confused....

 

well, ds has said he's going to spend Christmas Eve with her and day with us, and he says she's alone on CE, so I'm assuming CD she'll be with her family. I do want to fix the problem and am starting with my note on Christmas. I dont' want to invite her over on Christmas itself because dh still has to apologize and we need to let ds know how we hope to help things out or what ever. We won't see him until CD.

 

I do want to rectify this but I didn't intend to so she'd come on Christmas. She likely needs time to be more comfortable, too. This is why I said I'd like to say something in the note about hoping/wanting to see her before she goes back to school. And I'm giving her and ds a combined gift. I think it's less threatening o do this after the holidays and it's ok if someone doesn't agree. That's how it's going to be this year.

[Murphy101]

Well alrighty then. I hope I'm entirely wrong and every one in your family is very good at suppressing all their emotions so that no one ever picks up on it. I'm honestly befuddled to think that all those opinions and emotions wouldn't be felt. But I'm willing to admit I could be entirely wrong about that. I was not intentionally attacking you and didn't think you had anything to defend.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you.

 

I won't post here again.

[Denisemomof4]

With all that's going on, I guess it might be too late to say something, even in private. But early on, yes, it would be something I would discuss. Plain and simple, it's disrespectful to knowingly ignore people who are speaking to you, and I wouldn't put up with it from a child living under my roof. Dogmatic, harsh, legalistic, whatever--I just wouldn't.

 

ETA: Sorry, Denise, this isn't a comment about you. I know you are struggling and are/have been doing your absolute best! In the end, your son loves you and he knows WHO you are--a loving mom, a welcoming mom, a mom who is trying her best. Whatever happens with this girl, that's all you can do - your best.

 

well, I did discuss this with him earlier and he disagrees the he is different with her around (a complaint ds, dh and dd all had) and I told him I wished they spent at least some time with us when they were here. I regret the latter right now.

 

And if anyone has an issue with he or hi gf, I'm not going to be the sounding board anymore. I'm going to tell them to tell him and leave me out of it.

[Denisemomof4]

Well alrighty then. I hope I'm entirely wrong and every one in your family is very good at suppressing all their emotions so that no one ever picks up on it. I'm honestly befuddled to think that all those opinions and emotions wouldn't be felt. But I'm willing to admit I could be entirely wrong about that. I was not intentionally attacking you and didn't think you had anything to defend.

 

I'm sorry if I offended you.

 

I won't post here again.

 

thank you, because I wanted to ask you not to post again.

[mommaduck]

well, I did discuss this with him earlier and he disagrees the he is different with her around (a complaint ds, dh and dd all had) and I told him I wished they spent at least some time with us when they were here. I regret the latter right now.

 

And if anyone has an issue with he or hi gf, I'm not going to be the sounding board anymore. I'm going to tell them to tell him and leave me out of it.

THIS! If he's only hearing it from you, then he thinks it's a mother thing (and she thinks it's a mama thing). If they take it up personally, then it can't fall on you.

[Rosie_0801]

It's not a stressful time here but it is a very sad time for me. All my family knows I'm struggling but I'm really trying to keep it all away from them because I want them to have a wonderful Christmas. I wasn't prepared for all these emotions to spark up again.

 

 

Does DIL know about this? She needs to know context to understand why everyone is doing what they've been doing. You might want to consider a small chat to explain, something like "I'm sorry we're being such fruit cakes, but this has happened, that has happened, we're tripping of this, that and the other and I'm trying to behave cheerfully and normal so everyone has a nice holiday, but I'm too emotionally exhausted to do a decent job of it, which is just making me feel even more guilty. Really, we'll go back to our normal selves when Christmas is over. There, now you know why we're all so tense. Now scoot, go smooch my son or something."

 

Sometimes sharing personal information will make an ally. Even if it doesn't, it gives her hope that you aren't always so tense! When you see her again after Christmas, you can give her a wink and say you're all back to normal level weirdness now.

 

Rosie

[Melinda in VT]

can you tell me what you DID to try so hard with her?

 

I'm still going to back off, not that I was ever overbearing. I made small talk, asking about school, how her mother was, etc. Very light conversation that I never knew could make someone feel so uncomfortable. But now that I do, I will try harder not to try hard.;)

 

I'm not Aubrey, but DH and I received similar comments from my BIL about our treatment of his girlfriend.

 

Essentially, we mostly ignored them and talked among ourselves. :D

 

So, they'd come into a room where we were, and we'd say hi and maybe ask *1* question. One. Uno. And then we'd continue our conversation. If either of them joined in or started a different topic, great. If not, great. (DH and I are not introverts and never really lack for something to say. Quite the opposite problem, actually.)

 

If we walked into a room where they were talking, we'd say hi, ask maybe one question and then mosey on out, figuring they wanted to be alone.

 

At the dinner table, we chatted with the people who felt chatty, preferably about neutral, unoffensive topics. Or we told funny family stories that were not embarrassing to anyone present.

 

And if they did anything annoying or rude, we bit our tongues and waited until we were alone to complain to each other. :lol:

 

We spent a lot of time that year listening to BIL and gf complain about his parents and vice versa. We mostly listened, and occasionally interjected a comment or two about how the other side must be feeling.

 

:grouphug:

[simka2]

well, ds has said he's going to spend Christmas Eve with her and day with us, and he says she's alone on CE, so I'm assuming CD she'll be with her family. I do want to fix the problem and am starting with my note on Christmas. I dont' want to invite her over on Christmas itself because dh still has to apologize and we need to let ds know how we hope to help things out or what ever. We won't see him until CD.

 

I do want to rectify this but I didn't intend to so she'd come on Christmas. She likely needs time to be more comfortable, too. This is why I said I'd like to say something in the note about hoping/wanting to see her before she goes back to school. And I'm giving her and ds a combined gift. I think it's less threatening o do this after the holidays and it's ok if someone doesn't agree. That's how it's going to be this year.

 

Sounds good. I thought I read something earlier along the lines of "my family deserves an enjoyable Christmas" and it kinda led me to think it wasn't being dealt with until after out of avoidance.

 

If I was her that would bother me.

 

But I'm not there...and things get lost in translation ;). With hope-Simka.

[Denisemomof4]

Does DIL know about this? She needs to know context to understand why everyone is doing what they've been doing. You might want to consider a small chat to explain, something like "I'm sorry we're being such fruit cakes, but this has happened, that has happened, we're tripping of this, that and the other and I'm trying to behave cheerfully and normal so everyone has a nice holiday, but I'm too emotionally exhausted to do a decent job of it, which is just making me feel even more guilty. Really, we'll go back to our normal selves when Christmas is over. There, now you know why we're all so tense. Now scoot, go smooch my son or something."

 

Sometimes sharing personal information will make an ally. Even if it doesn't, it gives her hope that you aren't always so tense! When you see her again after Christmas, you can give her a wink and say you're all back to normal level weirdness now.

 

Rosie

 

I love this. I absolutely love this. But I don't want to freak her out again! I hope ds has shared why it's so hard this year, I don't know.

[Aubrey]

can you tell me what you DID to try so hard with her?

 

I'm still going to back off, not that I was ever overbearing. I made small talk, asking about school, how her mother was, etc. Very light conversation that I never knew could make someone feel so uncomfortable. But now that I do, I will try harder not to try hard.;)

 

First, we're the hub of the family. My dad died a few yrs ago, sis lives several hrs away, & mom's out of state.

 

The first time they came over, bro said they hadn't eaten, so I fixed dinner, & then she was too shy to eat in front of us, so she sat in the other room & watched. I'm really about as shy as they come, so this was *very* hard for me. When she'd talk about anything, it was designer clothes & handbags. I have 4 dc, so maybe you can imagine the difference, but even at 16, I'd have rather sat around drinking coffee & talking politics than wearing/talking designer clothes.

 

But we invited them for holidays so they wouldn't be by themselves. We invited them to play board games, repeatedly, until she was finally comfortable enough playing (1) game--that helped a lot.

 

When she suggested I get on FB, I did. I'd avoided it before that, but decided it was a good way to meet her in a comfortable environment. And then she & I started emailing, which was much more comfortable for her, & when I told her I felt the same, we began to talk more that way, which made things a little easier in person.

 

She didn't like to spend time w/ the rest of bro's family or friends, so it meant a lot to him (an extrovert) that she *liked* to spend time w/ us. When they needed something to do on a weekend, we were there first choice.

 

I can't tell you how hard this was sometimes. Even when we got comfortable w/ ea other, I'm so shy/introverted that it's *extremely* emotionally draining for me to be around people, & all of this was happening during the 3 yrs that we had 2 back to back babies & dh was in seminary. Our marriage *barely* survived those years, & being so desperately needed by my bro & his wife as their marriage suffered the bumps of the first year, etc. was sometimes more than I could take.

 

Thanksgiving day last year, she took a nap on our sofa. I felt SO weird about it, like I needed to do something for her. Honestly, I think she was really depressed that day, not just comfortable w/ us/tired, but I couldn't do anything. Bro & dh took the dc on a walk, & I stayed w/ her. I never nap, but I ended up falling asleep on the other sofa, & you know what? We both laughed when we woke up, & it was kind-of a bonding experience.

 

Basically? I gave myself to her to like or not like, judge or not judge, accept or not. I held *nothing* back as far as how risky it is for an introvert to step out & make friends. I took *all* of the responsibility for the relationship & *found* things for us to talk about/do.

 

In the end? I realized a few months after she & bro were divorced how much I missed her, despite our differences. And w/ her background...she told dh & me once that she'd never felt like she had truer friends than us. I hope we've helped her life be better, even if it will not be w/ bro.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm not Aubrey, but DH and I received similar comments from my BIL about our treatment of his girlfriend.

 

Essentially, we mostly ignored them and talked among ourselves. :D

 

So, they'd come into a room where we were, and we'd say hi and maybe ask *1* question. One. Uno. And then we'd continue our conversation. If either of them joined in or started a different topic, great. If not, great. (DH and I are not introverts and never really lack for something to say. Quite the opposite problem, actually.)

 

If we walked into a room where they were talking, we'd say hi, ask maybe one question and then mosey on out, figuring they wanted to be alone.

 

At the dinner table, we chatted with the people who felt chatty, preferably about neutral, unoffensive topics. Or we told funny family stories that were not embarrassing to anyone present.

 

And if they did anything annoying or rude, we bit our tongues and waited until we were alone to complain to each other. :lol:

 

We spent a lot of time that year listening to BIL and gf complain about his parents and vice versa. We mostly listened, and occasionally interjected a comment or two about how the other side must be feeling.

 

:grouphug:

 

thank you. This is perfect and what I intend to do.

 

Now off to my PM's and I need to get back to my baking.

 

Thanks SO much everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aubrey]

Does DIL know about this? She needs to know context to understand why everyone is doing what they've been doing. You might want to consider a small chat to explain, something like "I'm sorry we're being such fruit cakes, but this has happened, that has happened, we're tripping of this, that and the other and I'm trying to behave cheerfully and normal so everyone has a nice holiday, but I'm too emotionally exhausted to do a decent job of it, which is just making me feel even more guilty. Really, we'll go back to our normal selves when Christmas is over. There, now you know why we're all so tense. Now scoot, go smooch my son or something."

 

Sometimes sharing personal information will make an ally. Even if it doesn't, it gives her hope that you aren't always so tense! When you see her again after Christmas, you can give her a wink and say you're all back to normal level weirdness now.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree: But we all know Rosie's brilliant w/ relationship advice. Even if that advice has to be translated from Australian. ;)

[simka2]

"When younger ds said out loud it was awkward, I hushed him and told him (jokingly) to go to bed and started to talk to my brother."

 

This stuff gets so confuseing online:001_smile: Was this done in her presence? It sounds like it might have been. If so, then she definately picked up "vibes."

[Mrs Mungo]

I had one other thought about shyness/introvertedness.

 

My uncle has a wife who is EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY shy. My dad's family is sort of hands-off, but accommodating (they are engineers/accountants, but they make an effort ;) ). At their wedding the bride was just sitting, looking at her lap while people were eating, dancing, etc (she's Vietnamese, her parents are wealthy, it was a HUGE wedding). My dad went and said, "are you feeling okay? Do you need anything? We could take you back to the hotel?" And she replied "oh, no, I am having SUCH a good time, I don't want to leave" and went back to staring at her lap. So...sometimes things get really weird. She makes an honest effort, they make an honest effort. She claims to have a really, really good time. What else can you do?

[Denisemomof4]

Aubrey, your note is SO special and SO sweet. You're an awesome woman!

 

Did I tell everyone here that the first time I met gf I had my zipper down the ENTIRE evening, and I later found out I had sat in something and had a stain on the BACK of my light colored capris?:svengo:

[Rosie_0801]

I love this. I absolutely love this. But I don't want to freak her out again! I hope ds has shared why it's so hard this year, I don't know.

 

Do it anyway. She's already freaking, so at least she'd be freaking for the right reasons. You don't create an ally by passing info via a male. She might well say "yeah, he told me already" but he's a man and men don't tend to include the emotional stuff a woman will. Not that I have much experience with sons, but I'm willing to bet he's not going to use the phrase "guilt tripping" anywhere because he is probably oblivious to it. You are both women and you both know what female guilt tripping is like and with her family situation, I bet she knows what it's like to be putting on the "right" face to keep things "normal" for everyone else. Treat her like a young friend, not a daughter. Parent-child is not the right dynamic. You probably know cute young women through church or somewhere, right? They're young, you know they're going to grow up a bit when they actually get married. Then grow up some more when they have their own babies ;) and a bit more when they have teenagers... but they're still pretty cute for the stage they are in, so you indulge their immature opinions. Occasionally you pop in a bit of advice you think they didn't hear when their mother said it, but only when it really, really, really needs to be said. Be like that with dil.

 

Even if that advice has to be translated from Australian. ;)

 

Huh? I make perfect sense. What are you on about? :P

 

:grouphug:

Rosie- going back to sew more doll hair. I think it is going to take the rest of the year.

Edited December 23, 2010 by Rosie_0801

[Denisemomof4]

"When younger ds said out loud it was awkward, I hushed him and told him (jokingly) to go to bed and started to talk to my brother."

 

This stuff gets so confuseing online:001_smile: Was this done in her presence? It sounds like it might have been. If so, then she definately picked up "vibes."

 

oh my, I just feel so drained now.

 

*I* was accused of giving off vibes. Ds DID say that, I did hush him (she heard me, she was right there) and I moved on as if he said nothing. Ds has also tried with her, it's AWKWARD. Ok, so it's awkward. I later discussed that no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, him saying what he did made it worse.

 

Maybe there were vibes, but *I* was defending *MYSELF* saying *I* wasn't giving off vibes.

[simka2]

oh my, I just feel so drained now.

 

*I* was accused of giving off vibes. Ds DID say that, I did hush him (she heard me, she was right there) and I moved on as if he said nothing. Ds has also tried with her, it's AWKWARD. Ok, so it's awkward. I later discussed that no matter how uncomfortable the situation was, him saying what he did made it worse.

 

Maybe there were vibes, but *I* was defending *MYSELF* saying *I* wasn't giving off vibes.

 

 

You know what, it's water under the bridge and there's nothing you can do about it now;).

 

I was just trying to gently point out that there were vibes present :D. You have gotten some more wonderful advice...and all you can do is move forward.

 

Hang in there!!!

[katilac]

Really? Where did I say she wasn't good enough for him? Did you see the post where I said I hope she treats him as well as he does her, if she places importance on his needs as he does hers, I'm happy?

 

to the green above: no radar there. Period.

 

FTR, SHE wanted to come apple picking and bake afterwards. Now I've learned not to invite for that again. SHE didn't know I wanted to take her to lunch. I have learned to back way off and welcome shyness.

 

I really wish some of you weren't so crass. I was only trying and some of you IMO are way out of hand with some of the comments.

 

You didn't say she wasn't good enough for him, and I didn't say that either. I said you guys think she isn't good for him ((you think he deserves more, she isn't your choice for him, etc)).

 

I'm sorry you think that some of our replies are crass and out of hand. I think they've mostly been very gentle and good humored, lots of great WTM support from people who want to see you work this out and enjoy this time in ds's life.

[5kidsforME]

and one last time, I think it is DS'S responsibility to make things more comfortable.

 

What you said here is why I think maybe it's better off for now to just let things go. I would like to see her again, but I do think sit down meals are VERY threatening to a shy person. When she comes over again, or if, I would like to allow them the freedom to sit alone, not talk to us, be thankful they're in our house, go about my business, but just let her be. I honestly never could have understood how painful something this could have been without you shy people helping me out. I thank you all for that!

 

 

As "well trained" as you think your son is, this is not going to happen. He is a young man, this does not come naturally to young men. Dh grew up with one brother no sisters, a harsh mother, and his dad.

 

Is it possible that your son has shared everything with the gf? Unforunately dh was clueless and would tell me everything his mother said/or felt about me. :glare:

[Denisemomof4]

You didn't say she wasn't good enough for him, and I didn't say that either. I said you guys think she isn't good for him ((you think he deserves more, she isn't your choice for him, etc)).

 

I'm sorry you think that some of our replies are crass and out of hand. I think they've mostly been very gentle and good humored, lots of great WTM support from people who want to see you work this out and enjoy this time in ds's life.

 

I agree, most of the posters and people all who have PM'd me have been wonderful. I've thanked everyone, too.

 

I do think this girl is good for my son and I never said she wasn't my choice. I do have concerns, I do think she's a lot of work, all my concerns are from what ds ALONE has shared. He is trying to figure it all out, too. He tells me and ds that they're going to marry, and yet when she was upset recently and he tried to help her, I told him he needed to accept her right as she was and not think he can change her, to which he quickly responded, "I can't be with someone like this for the next X amount of years." X being what ever number he shot out at the time.

 

I like her. Now that I understand her shyness more, I will just go about my business and reach out to her in little ways so as to not threaten her. I hope they can figure everything out before they marry because there are some issues between the two of them that are HUGE, and unless she changes or he changes his mind about accepting her just as she is, it's just not going to work. So do I want more for him? Yes, I want a successful relationship. I want him HAPPY. Like I said earlier, if she places his needs and happiness as a priority like he does with her, I can't ask for anything more. I just hope he figures it all out before they decide to marry.

[Renee in NC]

As "well trained" as you think your son is, this is not going to happen. He is a young man, this does not come naturally to young men. Dh grew up with one brother no sisters, a harsh mother, and his dad.

 

Is it possible that your son has shared everything with the gf? Unforunately dh was clueless and would tell me everything his mother said/or felt about me. :glare:

 

Oh, you mean like when dh told me soon after we were married that his mother didn't like me because she always expected him to marry his high school girlfriend?:glare:

 

Older males know better than to repeat things like that.:tongue_smilie:

[Denisemomof4]

As "well trained" as you think your son is, this is not going to happen. He is a young man, this does not come naturally to young men. Dh grew up with one brother no sisters, a harsh mother, and his dad.

 

Is it possible that your son has shared everything with the gf? Unforunately dh was clueless and would tell me everything his mother said/or felt about me. :glare:

 

I'm sure he's shared everything with the gf. But like I've said numerous times, other than wishing they divided their time a little more evenly, I say NOTHING negative about her. I've been FULLY supportive and encouraging. Dh did ask her not to come for Christmas and I'm certain he's said something. And knowing my son, I can only imagine how it came out. :glare: He's a huge communicator, yes, but he doesn't always say things the right way, and I'm sure what he shared was bunched up with his own feelings.

 

Dh needs to apologize, I will try to open the door, I will do little things not to threaten her. I hope she will come around.

[Denisemomof4]

Oh, you mean like when dh told me soon after we were married that his mother didn't like me because she always expected him to marry his high school girlfriend?:glare:

 

Older males know better than to repeat things like that.:tongue_smilie:

 

or not. My dh and I were married YEARS before I told him to stop sharing.:glare:

[SproutMamaK]

I do think this girl is good for my son and I never said she wasn't my choice. I do have concerns, I do think she's a lot of work, all my concerns are from what ds ALONE has shared. He is trying to figure it all out, too. He tells me and ds that they're going to marry, and yet when she was upset recently and he tried to help her, I told him he needed to accept her right as she was and not think he can change her, to which he quickly responded, "I can' be with someone like this for the next X amount of years." X being what ever number he shot out at the time.

 

I know that you value a close relationship with your son, so this is going to be a tought pill to swallow, but, IMHO, you need to stop him when he starts these conversations. If he is trying to be an adult in an adult relationship - he can't be discussing those relationship issues with his partner's potential future in-laws. How would you feel going to your in-laws after you and your DH had a fight and you knew he'd told them every detail (from his point of view, of course).

 

Part of growing up IS separating himself from you, and he needs to learn to either keep personal information like that personal, or choose appropriate people to discuss it with, like a counsellor, elder ot pastor, etc. Unfortunately, in-laws of any variety are NOT the best people to be confiding this sort of thing in.

 

I know it's not related to the issue at hand, though I suppose in some ways it is since it seems to have coloured your perception of this girl, but I think you need to have a conversation with your son about that. A mother can fill a LOT of roles in an adults life, but I don't think being a confidenate about relationship issues is a healthy one, PARTICULARLY is there are any issues between the spouse and the parents. I would tell your son straight up, "You love this girl, and we want to love her, too. It makes it difficult for us to do so when you come to us with your issues, because our instinct is to fight off anything that hurts you. If you feel you're in this for the long haul, please think carefully about what details of your relationship you share, and with whom you share them."

 

And I know that you recognize that DH needs to aplogize, but I also saw that she's still nto going to be asked to come for Christmas?! He needs to do it soon and she needs to know she is welcome for Christmas. An apology is useless if the problem isn't corrected, and an apology that waits until after Christmas to address the problem maybe too late to spare the relationship. Yes, she may not come anyways. But that will be HER choice, not yours, and in the future she will know that your family tried to make it right as best you could. She can look back on it as the Christmas she chose not to come because she was hurting, or the Christmas she wasn't allowed to come to because she wasn't good enough (or whatever she feels is the reason she can't some). Yes, they both stink and there will be SERIOUS damage from this, but one option is far less damaging than the other.

[Liz CA]

I would like to look at this from both sides:

1. When I was the girlfriend - actually more like fiancee - I met my in-laws for the first time. I have no siblings and my dh has 4 brothers. Two of those 4 brothers were married with children.

I arrived after a 14 hr flight, walked into their house and there they sat like birds on a wire looking at dh and me.

I am not really shy - in fact the older I get, the more confident I am, however I was 21 at that time...

There were all very nice...but it was a little overwhelming at first.

However, now that I typed this out I am thinking that this girl is not just behaving this way when your entire family (don't know how large of a family) is present but she also refused to go one on one with you when you invited her for lunch & shopping.

Do you think the family as a whole initially overwhelmed her and she has not gotten beyond that?

Do you think she is not just shy but perhaps a little afraid of you?

I am not saying you have behaved in a frightening way but after all you are the Mom and the older, established, confident, mature woman. Something we all wanted to be when we were in our twenties but weren't.

 

2. As a parent of a 19yo ds, I would try to accept whomever he brings home. Go out of my way to be nice and include (which sounds like you have done). After this thing where your dh asked not to have her around for Christmas, I would speak to your ds and her - perhaps even separately if you can manage to snag her alone, and explain that dh is stressed out because of his mother's condition (not a lie as I understand from your post) and that the family as a whole felt a little exhausted and overwhelmed and nobody other than immediate family has been invited to the Christmas celebration. (Of course you can only say that if it's true and the whole neighborhood is not hanging at your house). Unless you feel you or dh have acted unkind to her face, I am not sure you have anything else for which to apologize.

I'd continue to be as kind and nice as I can when they come around (hopefully they will come around again) and beyond that there is little you can do. She may warm up to you all or not, he may never marry her or he may.

I know the drama that can ensue from simple misunderstandings. It's always such a delicate thing to make things right even if there is little or nothing you did wrong in the first place.

 

:grouphug:

 

[Lorien]

I haven't read all of the replies and I don't know if this will make sense, but I just wanted to share a little of my own situation.

 

I'm not super shy and I do come from a very close knit family. However, when I met dh I started to "ignore" my family (so I'm told - I was too much in love to notice much at the time!). I know that I did begin to devote myself to dh, and spent a lot of time writing to, and talking to him (long distance relationship), but it wasn't because I no longer cared for my family or didn't want to be around them. It was because for the very first time in my life I had someone who cared about me and who constantly gave his all for me just because he loved me. I always felt that I needed to do things for my family, I think partly because I always felt that to show my love I needed to give them things all the time or do things for them. Well, when I met dh and learned that he loved me, I also learned that he didn't love me because of anything I had done. I didn't have to do anything to show my love for him, or to be loved by him, instead he wanted to do things for me. He was constantly giving of himself for me, and I didn't have to give anything in return. I stopped buying little gifts for my family all the time, started devoting more and more of my time to my dh, and unintentionally made my family feel that I was neglecting them. Instead of being the one who was always there for everyone else, I had someone of my very own who was there for me. And for me alone.

 

I don't know if I'm being very clear about this, but it might be possible that for this girl, your ds is the one person in her life who doesn't require anything of her for him to love her. This may not be a reason for all of what you mentioned in your original post, but it might help to explain why she clings to your ds. I really clung to my dh and I came from a very close knit family. Two of my brothers and my parents have always felt that I "changed" when we got engaged. I didn't change. I'm the same person I have always been. I just started doing things differently.

 

My family - until I stopped doing it - never made me feel like I had to buy things for them, but I always felt that it was expected of me ...... and when we got engaged and I realized that I didn't need to buy things to prove my love, on top of which, we were trying to save up for our wedding, my family started pointing out that I had stopped buying things for them (little gifts, small items whenever I went shopping, etc), some complained that I was no longer getting things for their kids, and they chalked it up to my having "changed" now that I was engaged (implying that it was a bad thing and being engaged to dh was the cause). What they have never understood was that with dh it was a relief to me to be able to just be myself, I didn't have to constantly prove my love. He was there for me, and not because I did anything. Maybe, in a way, this is what it's like for this girl, even if her family seems very nice and close knit?

 

And to be very shy on top of it all . . . I hope you're able to work through this with your ds and his friend. My family have never been able to understand what happened with me and some of them still seem to resent dh.

[littleWMN]

Being a quiet shy introvert married to a quiet shy introvert and raising a quiet shy introvert I've just got to say not all quiet shy introverts are manipulating cows.

 

I only got this far, and I'm having a terrible day (lost my dad at Christmas too), so I'm trying to not take this personally but a big...

 

:iagree:

 

I have inlaws that didn't care for my quiet personality when we first met. I felt ganged up on by the MIL and BIL. It only made me quieter and the problems just rippled from there. What they didn't know is that once I open up, I'm really not quiet at all. It's a trust issue from being violated as a child. I don't know what else to say...

[love2read]

I was very close to my boys growing up, but the older ones-well, they go with the girls family. Isn't that the way it usually ends up? Ripped my heart out the first time I realized it. I know you are looking at this a little differently, but I think a big part of what you are experiencing is just your son moving on toward a supporting role with his girl. It's hard to accept and I haven't met one of my ds sweethearts yet that I thought was good enough for my boy or that would fit well with our family and we're easy going too. Give it time and don't dwell on it too much.

[lionfamily1999]

no, he didn't, but he may have heard. It's still not a stab in the back. Parents talk. It wasn't he's bad, she's bad, but it WAS, they isolate themselves, they don't talk to anyone, this was an uncomfortable day.

Right. Sorry for the delay, I have too many things to get done :p

 

:grouphug:

 

I hope this all works at for you guys. Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS :D

[Joker]

I just wanted to chime in and say the things that are contributing to stressing your family out may also be bringing ds closer to gf and her family. My brother and SIL started dating around the time my grandmother got sick. She died around Christmas. My brother became very close to gf (soon to be wife) and her family because he could lean on them in a way he could not on us. We were all so upset but gf and her family were completely "there" for my brother. She was also very shy and hard to be around sometimes but we got through it and she is an awesome person.

[Pretty in Pink]

Originally Posted by Parrothead

Being a quiet shy introvert married to a quiet shy introvert and raising a quiet shy introvert I've just got to say not all quiet shy introverts are manipulating cows.

 

I only got this far, and I'm having a terrible day (lost my dad at Christmas too), so I'm trying to not take this personally but a big...

 

:iagree:

 

I have inlaws that didn't care for my quiet personality when we first met. I felt ganged up on by the MIL and BIL. It only made me quieter and the problems just rippled from there. What they didn't know is that once I open up, I'm really not quiet at all. It's a trust issue from being violated as a child. I don't know what else to say...

 

I realize that I'm a little late chiming in here...

 

One and two word answers are probably all you can expect for a while from someone who has spent their entire life trying to remain invisible to those around them. I was also painfully shy throughout childhood and early adulthood. It is a protective mechanism. It's really about her and not a reflection or judgment on you or your family.