What boundaries to set?

[Jean in Newcastle]

UPDATE: I did take over the Christmas cookies and newsletter. She was polite but a tiny bit distant. I was polite but a tiny bit distant. No one asked for any favors. I think this is how it needs to be right now.

 

I posted not too long ago about my neighbor who has been using me for some time. http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=230280&highlight=neighbor Last night I came home to find a delivery of a live mini decorated Christmas tree on my front porch with a thank you note on it for taking care of her dogs for a week.

 

I want to have a "normal" neighbor relationship with her. I plan to take her Christmas cookies and our Christmas newsletter later today when I deliver the same to all the other neighbors. I want to forgive her.

 

But - I want to set boundaries too. The thing is, the peace offering/thank you gift? From past experience I have a very strong feeling that it is a prelude to her wanting something from me. She's having work done on her house this week and I'm fairly sure that she wants to borrow some power tools or something like that. She uses us as a free version of Home Depot. Now normally I would not hesitate to say "sure!" if a neighbor asked to borrow a ladder etc. but this woman is asking for stuff from the workshop 7 - 8 times a year. WWYD if she asks for tools again? Say "yes" because it's the neighborly thing to do? Say "no" even if she knows very well that you have a chop saw because she's used it more than you have? If I do say "no" how do I say it?

Edited December 23, 2010 by Jean in Newcastle

[Catwoman]

Say no -- you've already loaned it to someone else, or that your dh needs it.

 

Are you sure you want to invite this woman to ask you for something? Do you really need to give her the cookies and newsletter? I only ask this, because it sounds like she's setting you up for something. She's trying to butter you up with the Christmas tree, and if you give her the cookies, she'll think she pulled one over on you.

 

Cat

Edited December 22, 2010 by Catwoman

[Tap]

We have had the same 'lending garage' issue with others in the past. Part of the problem was ours by starting saying "sure, you can borrow xyz anytime". We set up the situation, but we finally had to end it.

 

When asked the next time I just said....."due to a situation we ran into, dh and I have decided to not loan out tools anymore. Sorry, I wish we could, but I can't loan out xyz anymore. "

 

If they asked me to clarify the situation....I would have just said "we don't want to discuss it right now."

 

We also had the same situation with movies getting loaned out and not coming back from another neighbor...we had to end that too.

 

 

I am a sharing person by nature....but there is a limit.

[NanceXToo]

It wouldn't bother me if a neighbor wanted to borrow something like that. If she's returning it within a reasonable amount of time, and if she's returning it in good condition and not damaging my things, and if it's a situation where it doesn't really affect me/cost me money, I really don't think I'd care if my neighbor borrowed our tools.

 

If it was like, say, a lawnmower and she was using it frequently and not ever replacing the gasoline or oil she was using, that would start to bug me. Or if she was borrowing something and I had to hunt her down for it two months later. Or if she was returning something in poor condition. Or if it was something I needed to use on a regular basis and her using it was inconveniencing me so I couldn't use it.

 

But borrowing a drill or something? Even if it was 7 or 8 times a year? Eh. No biggie.

[Mejane]

Because my dh is the power tool king (oy) in our neighborhood, we lend way more often than we borrow. We don't mind as long as it comes back sound. Sounds like you have deeper issues with your neighbor, though. I'd simply say dh is in the middle of a project and will need it himself, sorry.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

But borrowing a drill or something? Even if it was 7 or 8 times a year? Eh. No biggie.

 

I agreed with you. Until it became the borrow the tools 7 or 8 times a year plus asking me a couple of times a week to go over and see if she left her curling iron on plus asking me to give her dogs medicine while she was at work plus asking me to get her some stuff the next time I was at the store . . . None of the things individually would bother me at all. It was the constant barrage of all of them all together.

[elegantlion]

I would say no. My dh has a lot of tools and will never loan them out, mostly because he makes his living with them. They are expensive and he's meticulous about their care.

 

I would make some offhand remark about dh working on a project (surely he has a honey-do list, so it wouldn't be a lie ;)) and you're not sure which tools he needs when.

[elegantlion]

I agreed with you. Until it became the borrow the tools 7 or 8 times a year plus asking me a couple of times a week to go over and see if she left her curling iron on plus asking me to give her dogs medicine while she was at work plus asking me to get her some stuff the next time I was at the store . . . None of the things individually would bother me at all. It was the constant barrage of all of them all together.

 

but you're just a homeschool mom, surely you have nothing better to do all day. :tongue_smilie::glare::001_huh:

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

Are you sure you want to invite this woman to ask you for something? Do you really need to give her the cookies and newsletter? I only ask this, because it sounds like she's setting you up for something. She's trying to butter you up with the Christmas tree, and if you give her the cookies, she'll think she pulled one over on you.

 

 

I don't want to invite this woman to ask me for something. The part of me that thinks the best of people says that the gift was just a thank you gift with no buttering up involved. The cynical part of me says "watch out!"

 

Part of my reluctance is also due to the fact that my health has been really, really bad this year. As my dh noted just last night, we are in survival mode in our house. I am a giving person by nature, I think, but survival mode means that I'm having a hard enough time just taking care of myself and my family. Taking care of another grown person's needs is just more than I can do right now. It kills me to say that but that's how it is.

[Mejane]

Part of my reluctance is also due to the fact that my health has been really, really bad this year. As my dh noted just last night, we are in survival mode in our house. I am a giving person by nature, I think, but survival mode means that I'm having a hard enough time just taking care of myself and my family. Taking care of another grown person's needs is just more than I can do right now. It kills me to say that but that's how it is.

 

Self-preservation at all costs. "I won't be able to help you with that; I am recovering from illness." I assume the self-centered twit knows you've been sick? Has she offered to help YOU out at all? :glare:

[AuntieM]

Well, I can olny tell you how I'd handle it, in your shoes.

 

I'd send over cookies - via the kids, not you - with a thank you note for the lovely tree. I would NOT include a newsletter, it's sort of an invitation to your personal life. I might send a little book that would be helpful in her Christian walk.

 

Any requests to come? Denied. This is your line in the sand. Exceptions are for her house ablaze, she needs an ambulance, or she is finally ready to discuss serious spiritual issues with you.

 

Choose your line (or come up with three succinct versions of the same message), practice saying it, and stick to it."

 

"I'm sorry, I am not able to do that for you." (no further explanation required)

 

"DH is looking forward to passing along his tool collection to ds and has decided not to loan out items anymore. But hey, you seem to use (hammers, drills, whatever) pretty often, you should invest in one for yourself!"

 

"... ... ..." "Well, hey, it was nice catching up with you but we're working on a strict schedule today, so I've got to get going, goodbye!"

 

I'm not suggesting you cut off all communication. Or that you say any of the above in a rude way. But she's been a drain on you for a long time and unless you really really really see hope for influencing her to change her ways, I'd have as little to do with her as possible until the spring semester ends and your summer frees your time up a bit.

[Truscifi]

I don't think I would care about the tool borrowing, but they going over to check on things and such? I would definitely say no. No need to explain, but you could say you're busy if you feel the need.

 

As for the tools, I prefer to be non confrontational with neighbors, so I would probably go with 'dh is working on a project' line.

[Tammyla]

I'd be kind take the cookies and letter, but I'd say no to any non-emergency requests. :grouphug: If she values your friendship, it wont matter.

 

1. "I'm sorry, that's just not possible."

 

PS...In my experience, she will fuss and push, but eventually accept your no, as just a no. We say no to those we love all the time, but pushy people know how to keep asking to wear your down.

[Catwoman]

\ Taking care of another grown person's needs is just more than I can do right now.

 

"Another grown person" should be taking care of herself.

 

She's a user, plain and simple, and she sees you as her personal assistant, because she knows you're too nice to say no.

 

But say no.

 

Or have your dh go over and talk with her, explaining why you're not able to help her any more.

 

I wish I lived near you, because I am a trained professional at saying no. By the time I was done with her, she'd be volunteering to do stuff for you. ;)

 

Cat

[Catwoman]

Exceptions are for her house ablaze, she needs an ambulance, or she is finally ready to discuss serious spiritual issues with you.

 

And maybe uncontrollable bleeding, unless she does it on your carpet, because then you won't have time to call 911 -- you'll have to get the stains out before they set. ;)

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

And maybe uncontrollable bleeding, unless she does it on your carpet, because then you won't have time to call 911 -- you'll have to get the stains out before they set. ;)

 

Cat

 

So. . . I suppose you would frown on the time (a couple of years ago) when I went over to help her clean up dog diarrhea all over her house. . . OK - as I start to list all the things I've done for her over the years I see what a push-over I've been. . .:blush:

[Catwoman]

So. . . I suppose you would frown on the time (a couple of years ago) when I went over to help her clean up dog diarrhea all over her house. . . OK - as I start to list all the things I've done for her over the years I see what a push-over I've been. . .:blush:

 

Actually, I might have to shoot you for that. :glare:

 

;););)

 

Stop being so nice to this woman. She doesn't appreciate it. Be nice to your family, and when you're feeling better, be nice to other people if you want to, but this woman isn't worth having as a "friend."

 

Cat

[mom4him]

I posted not too long ago about my neighbor who has been using me for some time. http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=230280&highlight=neighbor Last night I came home to find a delivery of a live mini decorated Christmas tree on my front porch with a thank you note on it for taking care of her dogs for a week.

 

I want to have a "normal" neighbor relationship with her. I plan to take her Christmas cookies and our Christmas newsletter later today when I deliver the same to all the other neighbors. I want to forgive her.

 

But - I want to set boundaries too. The thing is, the peace offering/thank you gift? From past experience I have a very strong feeling that it is a prelude to her wanting something from me. She's having work done on her house this week and I'm fairly sure that she wants to borrow some power tools or something like that. She uses us as a free version of Home Depot. Now normally I would not hesitate to say "sure!" if a neighbor asked to borrow a ladder etc. but this woman is asking for stuff from the workshop 7 - 8 times a year. WWYD if she asks for tools again? Say "yes" because it's the neighborly thing to do? Say "no" even if she knows very well that you have a chop saw because she's used it more than you have? If I do say "no" how do I say it?

Does she keep the tools for an extended time and you end up needing them? Do they come back in good shape or do you end up having to replace them?

To me that is different than having to take hrs of my time to do things for her. Borrowing something I would probably say yes to unless they are not returned in reasonable time and in good shape.

One of the things that I try to let govern me is 'what would Jesus do'.

[Jean in Newcastle]

UPDATE: I did take over the Christmas cookies and newsletter. She was polite but a tiny bit distant. I was polite but a tiny bit distant. No one asked for any favors. I think this is how it needs to be right now.

[RoughCollie]

Self-preservation at all costs. "I won't be able to help you with that; I am recovering from illness." I assume the self-centered twit knows you've been sick? Has she offered to help YOU out at all? :glare:

 

:iagree:

[AnitaMcC]

Part of my reluctance is also due to the fact that my health has been really, really bad this year. As my dh noted just last night, we are in survival mode in our house. I am a giving person by nature, I think, but survival mode means that I'm having a hard enough time just taking care of myself and my family. Taking care of another grown person's needs is just more than I can do right now. It kills me to say that but that's how it is.

 

 

Well, if it is her only wanting to borrow an item and it isn't an inconvienience to you then I think that doesn't need to be an issue.

 

But if she is asking you to do something for her... then just say no. I know that isn't easy!!!!! If I was in your situation, I would tell her that I am sorry but I just can't help her right now with all that is on my plate and my health isn't good.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you everyone. I updated the OP and a couple of posts up. But of course, being a neighbor this will undoubtedly come up again.

 

RE. her knowing about my health. She knows very well how ill I am. She knew I was at the ER last month and waited until she saw my dh bring me home before she started calling to see if I could still come over to do her a favor.