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11 yr old brother always teasing 5 yr old sister


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Hello,

 

Has anyone or does anyone have an suggestions, ideas on how to correct this situation that I have been going through ever since I started homeschooling my son. He is 11 years old and he is constantly teasing his 5 year old sister. When he teases her she yells and he loves it, when she cries he starts laughing. I get furious and start taking privileges away and he then gets furious. Once the privileges come back he starts it all over again.

 

Any suggestions, I am running out of ideas of what to do to make him stop it.

 

Thanks

Lillian

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IMHO it's cruel and mean and I would deal with it very directly. He's old enough to be civil - and it sounds like he's not being that.

 

Starting in the morning, I would sit him down and explain the new normal. Every time he's unkind - he gets to serve her. [in our house we'd talk about what the bible says about putting ourselves first, kindness, being an example, etc.] I would make a chart of things he gets to do on one side and things he can do for her on the other. Every time he's unkind I would have HIM cross out one of his and then pick one from the other side. Then he gets to do the kind thing.

 

His list could be:

30 minutes of video games. Late bedtime. Play instead of nap at quiet time. Pick a tv show in the afternoon. Play date with a friend.

 

You get the idea - whatever cool things he gets to do during the day go on the list.

 

Here are some ideas:

A half hour of dolls. Clean her room. Play a game with her. Take her for a walk. Do her chores. Watch her show instead of his.

 

All with an encouraging, kind attitude. No mumbling, groaning or whining. No passive aggressive behavior.

 

Or we head back to the chart. And do it again.

 

I would guess it won't take long before he gets it.

 

I would also not let the younger one lord it over the older - that's equally unkind and unacceptable.

 

That's what I would do.

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Take the privileges away for longer, or he loses them altogether. If one of my kids persistently teased another to the point of tears and then on top of that laughed about it, there would be serious consequences. One of my sayings is, if it's not fun for everyone, it's not fun AT ALL, so quit!

 

Some kids respond well to being isolated with nothing to do or having good things taken away; others are more positively motivated and will behave well for a promised reward. I find my dc need a combination approach - if you do such and such, you will lose x; but if you make a better choice and do thus and so, you will receive y. It's rare for that to fail in our family.

 

HTH some!

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I like the idea of serving his sister. But, I think the biggest privilege to lose is privacy and independence. If you isolate him, you give him the opportunity to continue his bullying out of sight. Believe me, he will find a way to continue the behavior and may even blame the punishment on his sister. I would "tomato stake" him. He needs to be with you at all waking hours. That way, you can correct his tone and attitude. Give him chances to say things over again. Model for him the tone you want. Administer appropriate punishment immediately if necessary, but don't let him more than 3 feet away from you. All the while, you can gently, but consistently remind him how it is important to treat others with respect, especially family members. Yes, this is exhausting, but it will be more effective if you are on top of it. I would also schedule breaks for yourself where someone else can be staking him for you.

 

Oh ... and about removing privileges ... he doesn't get them back until he earns them. And that cost should be very high - basically proving a good attitude to you.

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Maybe if losing privileges isn't working, you could turn it around by offering rewards. You could hand out a point every day, or three times a day (meal periods) if you need more regular reinforcement, for 'good behaviour'. Then at the end of the week he can cash in points for some sort of small treat, or 5/$1, etc. I would include your daughter in the points as well, and then make a point of discussing it when you award the points... "I'm so sorry you didn't get your point for this morning because of X situation. Maybe this afternoon will be better."

 

We used a system like this with our kids to help get a handle on some behaviour issues with our 5 yo and it worked wonders! I think some kids just need something external to help remind them in the moment of what they should, or should not, be doing. (Once upon a time I felt much differently about such things... then I met my son!!)

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Sounds like you need to be completely on top of this issue. I agree with the tomato staking. I don't agree with everything that the tomato staking web site talks about, but I agree that he needs to be in your sight all day long.

 

You'll quickly be able to see exACTly what's going on and Nip It In the Bud.

 

As soon as he starts in on little sister, I would immediately step in and model how he should be acting. If he speaks to his sister in a snotty voice, you tell him, "You need to say that nicely this time," and everything in the house STOPS until he says it nicely. (Or retracts whatever it was he said, if it's not worth saying nicely!)

 

My rule for when my boys are doing this is an old one, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

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Hello,

 

Has anyone or does anyone have an suggestions, ideas on how to correct this situation that I have been going through ever since I started homeschooling my son. He is 11 years old and he is constantly teasing his 5 year old sister. When he teases her she yells and he loves it, when she cries he starts laughing. I get furious and start taking privileges away and he then gets furious. Once the privileges come back he starts it all over again.

 

Any suggestions, I am running out of ideas of what to do to make him stop it.

 

Thanks

Lillian

 

 

You have gotten GREAT suggestions for dealing with your son, but I would add two things.

 

1) Work on your son's empathy. Ask him how he thinks his sister feels when she teases him? Ask him to identify the cues. How does he feel when she cries? Why does he like/dislike it? How might he feel if older kids bullied him. (And, YES, when you continue to the point of tears, it is NOT teasing, it is BULLYING.)

 

2) Also say this is a wonderful teaching opportunity for teaching your daughter to laugh off the painful remarks of other -- acknowledge they HURT, talk about why, then explain that he continues because of her reaction. It is hard to learn at 5, but it is a great place to being.

 

Here is a nice article from Scholastic.

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