Unreasonable to change the bedroom of college son?

[Denisemomof4]

I agree that it is perfectly reasonable for you to change the room; in fact, it seems rather unfair to your daughter not to change it.

 

That said, I can empathize with your son. Growing up is hard on everyone sometimes.

 

:iagree:

[Haiku]

Oh, and tell your son that he's lucky you won't be coming to him three months before his wedding and saying, "I'm putting the house on the market. You have to move out ... next week." :glare:

 

Tara

[laughing lioness]

Your ds sounds shelfish to me, too. Having the best room in the house and not even living there? Seriously?

 

Cutting apron strings is both worth having a party over and crying about...for both of you but it's past time to do it.

[Julie in CA]

Personally, unless you have one already, I'd turn the 14 year old's room into a good-looking guest room. My folks provided some attic and closet space, but off to college is off.

:iagree: Yes. I'm sorry, but your college "kid" needs a dose of reality. Not for a moment would I allow such selfishness, and that it's gone on this long has apparently made it worse instead of better. Ds should be reminded that he's a guest in your home, both due to his age, and the fact that he no longer lives there! When he arrives home the next time, I'd greet him with incredible joy, and then suggest to him that he put his bags in the *guest room* (smaller bedroom that you've turned into an attractively decorated guest room). If he ends up staying on long-term after completing his education, at least he'll have a more attractive place to live. Honestly, he might find he likes the cleaner, more attractively decorated room better! I do understand the mommy part of you that wants to cater to his whims, but seriously, it's for his own good! :grouphug:

 

ETA: So sorry, just re-read the OP and realize dd *shares* a room with younger brothers (duh!). I would still allow dd to clear out the room and use it. I do know where you're coming from, since my oldest son went to college this year and we were faced with a debate about what to do with his room. He, however, had the *smallest* room in our house, and though all of my other dc have shared bedrooms, we decided to turn the room into a guest room that could be used by anyone, including oldest ds when he's home.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Julie in CA

[jenL]

I lost my room to my sister when I went away to college. It was sad for me at first, but since I was home so infrequently, it made perfect sense (now that I'm an adult and can see the reasoning).

 

Explain to your son that you love him, that he'll always have a place in your family, but in terms of physical space, you need to make it work for those who are home most often. I don't think this is unreasonable for you to do at all.

 

One day he will understand. :grouphug:

[Veritaserum]

I agree that it is perfectly reasonable for you to change the room; in fact, it seems rather unfair to your daughter not to change it.

 

That said, I can empathize with your son. Growing up is hard on everyone sometimes.

 

:iagree: In my family you knew that as soon as you left for college, your room was fair game for other family members to use. If I had been an only child, I'd have possibly felt hurt. Since I knew it was unfair to expect my younger brothers to keep sharing, I chose to let go of my childhood bedroom.

 

Honestly, I think he's lucky to still have any room to call his own when he's home on breaks. My parents moved during my freshman year. I slept in the office when I was home on breaks. :tongue_smilie:

[dirty ethel rackham]

Your plan sounds perfectly reasonable and your son's reaction sounds perfectly normal, however unreasonable he may be. He's upset because he still sees that as his room - his place to come home to. He hasn't fully cut the apron strings. I would empathize with him about "losing his space", but explain to him that you can't afford to tie up such "prime real estate" for most of the year when there are others who could use the space now. It is unfair to his siblings. Basically, be understanding of his position, but do what needs to be done. He will just have to deal.

[babysparkler]

Before going off to college my sister & I shared a room (master bedroom) and Dad & brother shared a room that was just big enough for two twins and about a foot in between them. My sister moved out at the same time I did, so Dad moved my brother out of his room into my room and I slept on the couch when I came home from college. I was VERY upset at first because I didn't have a place to call my own, but then came to understand that it was the way it should be. It was almost like a kick in the pants to start thinking about where I would go after college since it was made clear that I would not be coming back home.

 

I say move dd into ds's large room... at least he will have a place to come home to! He will come to understand and accept it.

[Trish]

Just do it. If you wait for him to move his stuff, it'll still be there 30 years later. (just speaking from what I have observed in my parents' home regarding kids "stuff" that is stored there)

[elegantlion]

I see it as a changing of the guard. He's moving on, the next one takes his place. Sounds reasonable.

[Cheryl in NM]

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but....

 

Your focus HAS to be on the children still at home that NEED YOU. Of course, you love your college son and want him to have a private place to stay when he comes home to VISIT. Of course, you want your college son to "feel at home" when he comes home to VISIT.

 

The fact remains that your youngers are still under your care and supervision and your college age son is under his own care and supervision. Show your college son that you love him and that he is welcome to visit but that he is now an adult who lives away at college.

 

I would move the oldest sibling into the room with bathroom attached and then turn that room into a guest room, gender neutral.

 

Adult children are just that...adults. They can't move on with their lives if they still have THEIR room at Mommy's house.

 

When I went to college I packed all my belongings. I took what I wanted with me and ASKED my father if I could STORE the rest of my belongings in the closet in my OLD room. My brother spent the next several years flipping back and forth between my old room and his room. I never knew where I'd be sleeping when I went to visit, but it didn't bother me.

 

I had friends in college whose parents moved to a smaller house, gave their rooms to a sibling, even one whose "stuff" was moved to the "room" under the stairs. When he flunked out of college that was also where he stayed, as an adult boarder in his parent's home.

[ereks mom]

I think there's some hesitation on the boy's part to think of going to college as moving out.

 

I can really understand how he feels.

 

Unlike other posters, I think I'd let your daughter have the bathroom, and then, next year, let her have the room. He just needs some transition time, and really, is it killing her not to have more space? She's not sharing a room with anyone, just a bathroom. I'd let him keep the room, but at break, tell him to clean it up.

 

Wonderful idea!

[kwg]

In my opinion, she gets the room and older brother can share when he gets home with younger brother- she doesn't need to be displaced.

 

I slept on the couch or with my sister when i came home from college; it was no big deal. I was out a lot anyway.

 

It is hard to grow up....but grow up he must! :grouphug: :D

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but....

 

Your focus HAS to be on the children still at home that NEED YOU. Of course, you love your college son and want him to have a private place to stay when he comes home to VISIT. Of course, you want your college son to "feel at home" when he comes home to VISIT.

 

The fact remains that your youngers are still under your care and supervision and your college age son is under his own care and supervision. Show your college son that you love him and that he is welcome to visit but that he is now an adult who lives away at college.

 

I would move the oldest sibling into the room with bathroom attached and then turn that room into a guest room, gender neutral.

 

Adult children are just that...adults. They can't move on with their lives if they still have THEIR room at Mommy's house.

 

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

When I went to college, my mom turned my room into an office. I was a little bothered by it, but I got over it quickly.

[Trish]

We all like to hang onto memories, but frankly maybe this step will help him internalize the actual maturing he is doing in his own life. Even if uncomfortable for him, it is GROWTH and positive for all concerned.

[fairytalemama]

You are being completely reasonable, but be prepared for some backlash.

 

I must admit that when I came home from college on my first semester break as a freshman and found that my room had been taken over by my baby sister I was a little taken a back. I was shipped off to the basement guest room.

 

You might want to at least give him fair warning.

[Rivka]

Is he coming home for christmas? I would change it, but I would not do it if he wasn't there to move his own things.

 

He'll come to understand and see it makes sense, but he may have big issues with you just going in and touching his stuff and going through it all to move it. Even if you think you have the world's best, most open relationship with no secrets, he's got things in his room that he wouldn't want you to know about or see.

 

:iagree:My parents moved when I was in college, and I lived far enough away that they had to pack my room themselves. It felt very much like an invasion of privacy.

[Cheryl in NM]

As far as packing up college son's room...

 

If his privacy was so important he would have cleaned up his room before he left for college.

 

Since it's almost Christmas break I'd make this a project for while he's home and have him help.

 

Otherwise, I'd just pack his stuff, tossing "trash" as I came to it. Our house rule has always been that if Mom has to clean your room it's her prerogative to toss what she feels in trash. In other words, treat your belongings as if you value them if you wish to keep them.

 

In any other circumstance college son's belongings would be considered abandoned.

[Brindee]

My ds19 has ALWAYS needed adjustment time. If we were at a park or a friend's house and said to him, "We need to go now" he'd pitch a fit. He didn't really mind leaving, he just couldn't handle not knowing and preparing for the change. We learned that he did absolutely fine if we even told him, "We're leaving in 3 minutes." That gave him 3 minutes to adjust and he could handle it okay.

 

His freshman year of college (as I said earlier) he was home quite a bit. We had mentioned in the past the possibility, but didn't get it finalized before he left for college. So, since dd wasn't pushing TOO hard to have the room NOW, we allowed ds to keep the room for that year, but told him that the next year the change would be made since dd is home and deserved to have the bigger room. She'd been in her room since she was 5, so she was able to sort through things at a leisurely pace and prepare herself for the change also.

 

Before ds left for University in Mexico, he cleaned his room well. He wasn't sure what he'd come back to, and won't know what to expect 'til he gets here (in June), but he was ready to turn it over, and totally understood the reasoning. We didn't actually need a whole year for that, that's just how it worked out.

 

Personally, especially having a son like him, I can't imagine parents switching the room without letting the college kid know it, then they come home and don't have their room anymore? That's not right! They should be able to know about it, prepare for it, and go through their stuff/clean the room, etc.!

 

So our switch went well and seemed like the right thing to do!

 

 

Oh, btw, ds17 is at a Christian boarding school and didn't care to switch, especially since he's only home once a month for a long weekend. He's pretty laid back and is happy to sleep in his bed, or on a couch, just as long as he gets enough sleep! :D

[Deb in NZ]

Last summer dd sorted through all her stuff & made room for ds#2 to move into "her" room. The closet was / is almost completely full of her gear, as is one drawer. (at this time there is no other place to put this gear) Dd helped ds#2 move his gear into the room as we moved her gear into the car to take her to school 5 hours away. We stayed a week to settle her in & when we returned home the room belonged to ds#2. Dd has been home only a couple times during the year for 3-4 days at a time before now. She slept in the caravan outside the back door during Easter break, but the other 2 times it was too cold for her to sleep in the caravan, so she had the couch. This summer she is away as much as she is home, so the caravan is again her "room." When /if we ever get our planned renovations completed we will have an extra room, but that will be a guest room that dd will have the use of one closet for any gear she wishes to store here. The same thing will happen to ds#1 when he enlists. As soon as a dc is away most of the year & "home" is not where mom & dad live, it's time to help them "move on" mentally. This may sound cruel, but to quote my dh "We raise our children to leave home. If they aren't able to do that with confidence, we have not done our job." They are always welcome in our home & we would never turn them away if they need a place to stay, but they don't need a room that is solely for their use.

 

JMHO,

[Nestof3]

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me to change it. It's not like he's being sent to a pup tent in the backyard when he comes home.:001_smile:

:iagree:

[Tammyla]

He's been out of the room for 2 years and will not be home this summer...You waited longer than I would have, and I'm a pretty mushy mom.

 

I think it will be a good life lesson for all. Take a picture of the pit for him to treasure, and just live in your home.:grouphug:

 

My oldest, now a sophomore in college, has always had the best bedroom in the house with an attached bathroom. During his freshman year, we left the bedroom intact, even though it was a pit.

 

He is busy at college and rarely home, except for school breaks. He won't be coming home this summer because he's been selected for a summer position that will require him to be at the university.

 

My daughter, age 14, has been chomping at the bit to get the bedroom so she can have a bathroom that she doesn't have to share with her other younger brothers. It makes sense to move her to college boy's bedroom; she will make the best use of it, and I want to reclaim it and make it habitable again.

 

I will re-do younger sister's bedroom to make it masculine, and college boy will have this bedroom when he comes home. Nevertheless, he feels uprooted and can't understand why I don't get why he's so upset about this.

 

Am I being unreasonable to think that I don't need to leave the bedroom a shrine for a child who is home 30 days (at a maximum) a year?

 

Thanks for your input!

[mcconnellboys]

I would explain it to him just as you did to us and leave it like that. I made my son clean out his pit last summer because I didn't want it left like that while he was gone. He is close to home at a school, so I was afraid he might be home more often, too, but I still wanted it clean. Plus we decided to finally get rid of his horrible, old furniture and so I wanted to get the old stuff cleared out in preparation for the new stuff that would be coming in.

 

I actually moved him into the largest room we have, which is our bonus room upstairs over the garage. It's not insulated as well, and is south facing (so hot in summer and cold in winter), but we had the venting to the room upgraded and ended up getting a larger air unit installed. We also put film over the windows to help with the summer sunlight. The room will give him the opportunity to have a sitting area, too, so more room for his friends.

 

Any way, I digress, sorry, but in spite of all that he was STILL upset about moving. I think it's just scary for them to give up what they feel is an anchor in their lives. Once he sees the nice, new room you make for him, I'm sure he will like it just fine. My son is hardly home but is getting used to his new room and enjoying it.

 

In addition to getting things cleaned up, I wanted to move my younger son into a larger bedroom because he was in a tiny room that's really better suited as an office. We're now using that room as our school room. While it was a tight fit to squeeze all our school stuff into less space, I needed to start culling out books since they're growing up and our hsing time together may be coming to an end in the not too distant future....

 

With other kids who need that room I'm surprised you waited even a year to change it! Your daughter absolutely deserves the same privacy that her older brother enjoyed when he was a teen and he should be able to appreciate that and be willing to give that to her.... He's not being put out of the house or even out of a private room, he's just shifting to provide better usage of the space for those who are there to use it daily..... Houses are only so big; it's got to be about practicality....

[Homemama2]

I don't see any problem w/ changing it. My mom changed the carpet in my bedroom my senior year in college and I was a commuter (stayed at home.) I didn't get a choice at all, but I figured that was totally understandable because I'd be moving out in a few months and they'd be stuck w/ the carpet for years.

[Mommyfaithe]

I agree that it is perfectly reasonable for you to change the room; in fact, it seems rather unfair to your daughter not to change it.

 

That said, I can empathize with your son. Growing up is hard on everyone sometimes.

 

We did this when dd moved out to get married. Her and her sister shared the master bedroom. We moved dd into a small single and moved the 2 boys into the master. When dd 2 went to school, we moved one boy up into her room which has a bunk bed. She bunks with him when she is home...and he has his own room when she is not. DD was really upset when we moved her out of the master, but she was younger and quite immature. She has no problem sharing the little room with her brother now...LOL. She is older and does not have the same unreasonable expectations.

 

Faithe