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How do you handle stress?


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I am attending Dr. appointments to learn how to manage stress by learning breathing techniques using biofeed back.

 

Here's how I use it in practice.....

 

The other day my mom came over to watch the boys as I had a Dr. appt. She had brought toys over from her house. Mind you, this happens to be the week *before* Christmas when they get new toys. I told her to NOT give them new toys the week before Christmas. I left for the Dr. I came home to find that she had taken them to Walmart and bought them more toys. Not for Christmas....just because she wanted to. So, I came home and saw a pop up tent, two new puzzles (that make sound), two plastic microphones, and a new watch for each. Oh, let me also say that one of the presents I have gotten my 6 yr old is a watch. So, she ruined that present by getting him a watch. Why does someone give toys to kids the week before Christmas after they are told not to?

 

Want to know how I made myself feel better after my mom did this? That night around 11, I jumped up, grabbed scissors, and shredded the pop up tent to bits. No, not exactly the stress managing technique I'm supposed to use, but I sure felt better!

 

I put the puzzles and other things in a bag to give to Toys for Tots.

 

My Dh said he's glad to see I'm a fast learner. :tongue_smilie:

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As far as stress management goes:

Prayer, a nice walk, exercise and a cup of hot tea.

 

However, your stress seems to be related to the behavior of another person. This may take a different approach, as in:"I am sorry you went through the trouble of bringing all these things. I will pack them away and give them to the children for Christmas/donate them to someone else/would like for you to take them back home with you, etc. I did request that you not bring anything. I would appreciate your respecting my wishes."

 

If she cannot or will not respect you in the future, contact is reduced to structured visits when you can supervise and intervene if something undesired is about to happen.

Sorry, family drama is always such a downer.

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How do I handle stress? One bottle of wine at a time. ;)

 

Seriously though, I'm having the same issue right now. My mom and step-dad are visiting from the States and want to buy him everything! We have piles of gifts under the tree waiting to be opened! I flat out told them no in the middle of the toy store (we went in there to warm up-it was bloody cold outside). They were not happy, but he has something similar to what they wanted to buy under the tree.

I'm pretty strict about things like this with them. While I can't say I would have shredded the tent, but I think giving the other toys to charity is a good idea.

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Sometimes people just love to give. Being a grandparent is a joy. They are simply fostering relationships with your children. Why wait for a specific day to give what's from the heart?

 

My children have family who LOVE to bless them. Period. IMO - it's not that serious.

 

Are they giving something harmful that goes against your ideals or just enjoying being able to indulge children they love?

 

Is this a control issue? Maybe they think your requests are unreasonable.

 

 

as far as stress - a hot bubble bath, a glass of wine, taking a mental health day (mani/ pedi)

not sweating the small stuff is key.

 

asking myself ?? about WHY I feel stressed

 

What is the real root of it all?

 

In the scheme of things is this really important?

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Sometimes people just love to give. Being a grandparent is a joy. They are simply fostering relationships with your children. Why wait for a specific day to give what's from the heart?

 

My children have family who LOVE to bless them. Period. IMO - it's not that serious.

 

Are they giving something harmful that goes against your ideals or just enjoying being able to indulge children they love?

 

Is this a control issue? Maybe they think your requests are unreasonable.

 

 

as far as stress - a hot bubble bath, a glass of wine, taking a mental health day (mani/ pedi)

not sweating the small stuff is key.

 

asking myself ?? about WHY I feel stressed

 

What is the real root of it all?

 

In the scheme of things is this really important?

 

:iagree: All great advice!

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:lol::lol::lol: I could so see myself doing exactly that!!!! In fact I will be very tempted if a certain box shows up at my door!!!!

 

I always feel better after a good cry, a glass of wine, cup of tea, xanax...or venting on here!!!!

 

I might have a bit of discussion with God and read a good book, as well!

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Y'all are all laughing about the situation and I am sitting here horrified!:001_huh: Too each their own, I guess. I just can't even imagine. I would just be grateful that she babysat for me.

 

I would likely say, "Oh, what great puzzles! Nice tent. Oh, she got you a watch, too? That's really nice." and mean it. While I was in NC, my mother came here after school to take care of them. She bought them fast food everyday.:tongue_smilie: I was so happy that she was willing to re-arrange her schedule to do this for me, that I did not fuss about the food.

 

As for how I manage stress (or try to) is to write it down - write down the stress, brainstorm what I an do about it (or what I need someone else to do about it), and work my plan. The stresses I can't do anything about? That's a lot harder for me. Then I meditate on the Serenity Prayer - "Lord help me to accept the things I can't change..."

Edited by Renee in FL
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[/b][/i]Want to know how I made myself feel better after my mom did this? That night around 11, I jumped up, grabbed scissors, and shredded the pop up tent to bits. No, not exactly the stress managing technique I'm supposed to use, but I sure felt better!

 

I put the puzzles and other things in a bag to give to Toys for Tots.

 

 

I'll try to say this gently, but I view this situation entirely differently.

 

I think you were inconsiderate of both your mom and your kids. Your mom was trying to do a nice thing. Ok, it didn't go exactly as planned and she didn't obey your orders not to buy anything for the kids. But it's not like she stole your money and bought the toys. She wanted to make the day special for your dc, and maybe giving gifts is her love language.

 

Ok, so you would have had to return the watch you bought. So what? Return it and buy something else. Not really that big a deal.

 

And what about your poor kids? They got fun new things from their grandmother, and you shredded one of them and are taking the rest away from them to give to other kids. I'm sorry, but that's just mean, and the shredding thing is way beyond a reasonable response to what happened. That level of anger and aggression doesn't seem right to me at all.

 

It seems pretty clear that you have some major control issues with your mom, but you made your kids suffer as a result of your own inappropriate emotional response to what should have been a fun day for your mom and kids.

 

I'm sorry if this is upsetting. I don't know the issues between you and your mom, but I truly think you over-reacted big time, and that you owe all of them an apology (and a replacement tent and toys.)

 

Cat

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Just curious how you are going to explain cutting up the tent to your dc?:confused:

 

I understand you being upset at the gifts, but you just hurt your dc, not your mom with your actions. :001_huh: You just sent the message to your dc that it is ok to destroy things when they are mad or hurt. What if one of your dc doesn't like that you got their brother or sister a new shirt and decides to cut it up?

 

It would have been better if you had packed up the new toys and watch and told you dc that your mom needs the toys to stay at her house to play with there and then sent the toys to your mom's.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I your actions kind of scare me??????? :chillpill:

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Just curious how you are going to explain cutting up the tent to your dc?:confused:

 

I understand you being upset at the gifts, but you just hurt your dc, not your mom with your actions. :001_huh: You just sent the message to your dc that it is ok to destroy things when they are mad or hurt. What if one of your dc doesn't like that you got their brother or sister a new shirt and decides to cut it up?

 

It would have been better if you had packed up the new toys and watch and told you dc that your mom needs the toys to stay at her house to play with there and then sent the toys to your mom's.

 

I'm sorry to say this, but I your actions kind of scare me??????? :chillpill:

 

Cheap material things? Heck ya!!!! better shred something than stuff all that emotion till it comes out as an addiction!

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So it's ok to destroy another persons property so you won't be emotionally stuffed up????? If had been the OP's tent then ok, but it was her dc's.

 

 

Her children cannot legally own property...it was her property to do with whatever she pleased. I think that it is very reasonable that if you bring something unwanted into someone's house that it might be destroyed. It's pretty obvious that this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

 

If someone wouldn't listen to me (repeatedly) when I told them not to do something with my kids in my house....I would be livid. The point is...it was a stress reliever.

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Her children cannot legally own property...it was her property to do with whatever she pleased.

 

Tell that to her kids. And to her mom. This isn't a legal issue. This is a temper tantrum issue, and a mother/daughter issue. If she was that upset, she should have confronted her mother about it and talked it out with her, rather than destroying the tent. Cutting up the tent didn't solve anything.

 

If someone wouldn't listen to me (repeatedly) when I told them not to do something with my kids in my house....I would be livid.

 

I don't think anyone is questioning her right to feel angry toward her mother, whether or not we would have felt the same way.

 

The point is...it was a stress reliever.

 

Well, the next time one of your kids tears up something in your house in a temper tantrum, I hope you'll remember that it was just a stress reliever, and that it's ok to destroy things when you're angry.

 

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one, because in our house, 2 year-olds throw their toys when they get angry; Mom doesn't. Mom is the one who teaches the kid that pitching fits and breaking things are inappropriate and unacceptable behaviors. Kids learn by example, and that was one lousy example.

 

Again, I understand that the OP was upset; I just think she vented her anger in a very inappropriate way. I also thought it was very unusual that her dh laughed about it. If I'd wielded scissors and shredded one of my ds's toys, my dh would be mortified and would probably suggest that I seek psychological help.

 

Cat

Edited by Catwoman
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And what about your poor kids? They got fun new things from their grandmother, and you shredded one of them and are taking the rest away from them to give to other kids. I'm sorry, but that's just mean, and the shredding thing is way beyond a reasonable response to what happened. That level of anger and aggression doesn't seem right to me at all.

 

 

 

I'm sorry your mom didn't respect your wishes, but :iagree:with this.

 

Of course, we probably don't know the whole story either.

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Oh, I am aware that cutting up the tent was a tantrum. I didn't do it in front of the kids. They have no idea what I did. I simply told them the toys were being donated. They simply said ok and that was it. I was trying to fold it up to put it away and it tore. So, I then vented all my frustration out and continued to shred it.

 

When DH made his comment to me it was tongue in cheek. He was not laughing. He knows the situation with my mom and how upset I get.

 

Yes, many of you are right. There is obviously much more to the story between my mom and I. Years and years.

 

Why not return the watch I bought? Because it's a nicer watch that will help him tell time. Because I bought it first, and she does this all the time. I buy something, she finds out (because I'm dumb and tell her when she asks me what I've gotten them) and she then goes and buys the same thing. She tells me to return the ones I bought or that the boys will just have doubles of things.

 

Tip of the iceberg. I have lots of stories.

 

Gift giving as her love language. Ok, I can see that. However, that doesn't mean she can ignore my requests. Especially when I have a dc with SPD that has issues with being overwhelmed and overstimulated, and I am the one dealing with that.

 

Focus on the positive. I appreciate that some of you pointed out the positives. They can be hard to see from under the many layers of my relationship with my mom.

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Oh, I am aware that cutting up the tent was a tantrum. I didn't do it in front of the kids. They have no idea what I did. I simply told them the toys were being donated. They simply said ok and that was it. I was trying to fold it up to put it away and it tore. So, I then vented all my frustration out and continued to shred it.

 

If they were ok with the toys being donated, that's different than the way I was picturing it.

 

When DH made his comment to me it was tongue in cheek. He was not laughing. He knows the situation with my mom and how upset I get.

 

Thanks for clarifying!

 

Why not return the watch I bought? Because it's a nicer watch that will help him tell time. Because I bought it first, and she does this all the time. I buy something, she finds out (because I'm dumb and tell her when she asks me what I've gotten them) and she then goes and buys the same thing. She tells me to return the ones I bought or that the boys will just have doubles of things.

 

OMG! She does it intentionally??? :eek: I didn't realize that -- I thought it was just a coincidence! What a rotten thing to do!

 

Gift giving as her love language. Ok, I can see that. However, that doesn't mean she can ignore my requests. Especially when I have a dc with SPD that has issues with being overwhelmed and overstimulated, and I am the one dealing with that.

 

Now that you've explained further, I want to apologize for over-reacting to your first post. You sounded like you'd gone off the deep end over a minor thing, but now I understand that you were just at your wits end and this "shopping trip" was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

I'm really sorry! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

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Oh, I am aware that cutting up the tent was a tantrum. I didn't do it in front of the kids. They have no idea what I did. I simply told them the toys were being donated. They simply said ok and that was it. I was trying to fold it up to put it away and it tore. So, I then vented all my frustration out and continued to shred it.

 

When DH made his comment to me it was tongue in cheek. He was not laughing. He knows the situation with my mom and how upset I get.

 

Yes, many of you are right. There is obviously much more to the story between my mom and I. Years and years.

 

Why not return the watch I bought? Because it's a nicer watch that will help him tell time. Because I bought it first, and she does this all the time. I buy something, she finds out (because I'm dumb and tell her when she asks me what I've gotten them) and she then goes and buys the same thing. She tells me to return the ones I bought or that the boys will just have doubles of things.

 

The above is kinda what I figured was going on :D. There's a reason they call this stuff "crazy making!" It can make you react in what seems like really crazy ways, but which are truthfully...survival skills.

 

Tip of the iceberg. I have lots of stories.

 

Gift giving as her love language. Ok, I can see that. However, that doesn't mean she can ignore my requests. Especially when I have a dc with SPD that has issues with being overwhelmed and overstimulated, and I am the one dealing with that.

 

Focus on the positive. I appreciate that some of you pointed out the positives. They can be hard to see from under the many layers of my relationship with my mom.

 

 

My mother in law did this. She would also, inlist other people to bring my kids gifts at church. Finally, I sent them back with the person she enlisted, and told them the reason's behind the "no" gifts. They felt horrible about being used, and when she found out they no longer felt bad for her...the gifts stopped.

 

Now, it's the opposite...she won't talk to us or have anything to do with the grandkids :glare:.

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Now, it's the opposite...she won't talk to us or have anything to do with the grandkids :glare:.

 

Maybe that's sort of a blessing in disguise. ;)

 

I have to admit that it was pretty clever (well, devious, really...) that she came up with the idea of enlisting other people to deliver the gifts, though. Rotten and sneaky, but clever.

 

Cat

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If your mother does things like this you SHOULD NOT have her watch your children.

I would give anything for free childcare so I can get to the dentist. My mother lives 800 miles away and my MIL (the reason we live 800 miles away from my family) is too sick to watch my DD. She has osteoporosis, has trouble walking and many other age related problems. Even if your mom defies your wishes she isn't causing your children harm or putting them in unsafe situations...right?

Stress relief: exercise, paint, cup of tea, hot bath, knitting. Pride yourself by acting right when others act wrong.

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There is so much pain in this post. It almost hurt me to read it.

You cannot change another person but you can takes steps so they cannot disrespect you in this manner.

Either stop telling her what you bought or tell her and warn her that if she shows up with the same item, her item will be donated.

You said you had "lots of stories." Stop the incidents. You are an adult and your children's mother and you do not need a person in your life you openly disrespects you. You do not owe her anything any longer. She has the choice of behaving respectfully and honor your wishes or she will have to live with sharply reduced contact in a very controlled environment, i.e we meet at the park. As soon as you do something I asked you not to do, we leave.

 

This way she cannot going on controlling you indefinitely. Ask yourself what you need from this woman and why she is still able to drive you up a wall?

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Maybe that's sort of a blessing in disguise. ;)

 

I have to admit that it was pretty clever (well, devious, really...) that she came up with the idea of enlisting other people to deliver the gifts, though. Rotten and sneaky, but clever.

 

Cat

 

Yes it was clever!!! :D

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I have to admit that it was pretty clever (well, devious, really...) that she came up with the idea of enlisting other people to deliver the gifts, though. Rotten and sneaky, but clever.

 

 

 

 

If only these evil geniuses would use their powers for good, right? ;)

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