As a daughter-in-law or son-in-law, do you...

[gardening momma]

On the other hand, my SIL calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad". She and my brother married about 3 years ago and she is 40. It really bugs me that she is calling my mother "Mom" for some reason even though I really like her a lot.

Normally that would bother me too. BUT--I do have a SIL (my brother's wife) who has come to feel that my mom is more of a mom to her than anyone else has ever been (she had been in several foster homes, and then adopted at 18, but that family doesn't treat her well). I'm ok with it (and I'd be ok if she called her "mom"--maybe she does). I'm really glad that my mom is there for her.

[LibraryLover]

My MIL was (she recently passed away) quite different from my mother. My MIL was older and more self-aware when I met her. She got things. She understood a bit more what was important and what was not. My MIL also had the space and time to take care of her children and grandchildren, whereas my mother was raising another young family when I was having my oldest children. My MIL was the one who helped me with the children when I was sick, she was the one who nursed me back to health when I had a late miscarriage and my dh was 3000 miles away.

 

Because of my MIL, my own mother seemed a contemporary of mine, so sometimes that is how I reacted to her. Now, however, I see that my own mother has wisdom, but I didn't see that so much way back when.

 

I see I have treated folks differently because they have been different people.

Edited December 18, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Tylianna]

My in-laws make it a point to never let me forget that I'm not really one of them. I will never be truly accepted as anything other than an outsider.

 

Mine, too. It makes it worse that I am a "second wife". I guess the first one could do no wrong... but she left him, and I get to keep him! ;)

Whenever there is something they need, then they treat me like gold, but when they don't, it's all forgotten.

 

They also treat dh like crap, too, so I am not surprised. I wish he didn't care for them so much or I would tell them what they do to him.

 

This is his IMMEDIATE family. His aunts and uncles and GREAT aunts and uncles love me (and him). :D

[Veritaserum]

My relationship with my inlaws is almost the same as my relationship with my biological family. In some ways it is easier for me communicate with my dh's family.

[Pretty in Pink]

My relationship with my in-laws is different than my relationship with my own, biological family. When I am around my own family we cut up with one another, laugh at inside jokes, sometimes swear, and just generally act foolishly but have a good time.

 

My dh's family is not like this. At all. The dynamics within that family are just different, and not just with me. It's just the way they relate to one another is completely different. That's not bad. It's just not the same.

[Laurie4b]

I would have liked to have had a relationship with my in-laws more as parents (though no one will be the same as my own), but there is not much of a relationship at all. I only speak up when dh is not present and i just cannot be silent and maintain integrity. That's only been a few times.

[Laurie4b]

Definitely a married relation. I've never even thought to call my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad". My husband never did so with my parents either. Maybe it's because we were 29 and 34 when we married instead of 20?

 

On the other hand, my SIL calls my parents "Mom" and "Dad". She and my brother married about 3 years ago and she is 40. It really bugs me that she is calling my mother "Mom" for some reason even though I really like her a lot.

 

Lisa

 

It was expected that I call my in-laws Mom and Dad and I really didn't want to. My parents always called their in-laws by their first names. I avoid addressing my in-laws directly as often as possible because I don't really feel it's "true" for me: I have one father and one mother,even though they are not married to each other anymore and both remarried when I was an adult. In a weird way, it actually created more distance for me for to be expected to call them Mom and Dad. I'd be so much more comfortable calling them by their first names.

 

Dh on the other hand, asked my parents if he could call them Mom and Dad and both of them like it. It's okay with me that he does it, but I never thought of what my sisters might think. Both their husbands call my parents by their first name.

 

Family stuff is so complicated!

[AuntieM]

Well, even though I have been married over twenty years, it is less than half my lifetime. I have known my own family a much longer time than I've known my inlaws. So there's that part of the relationship - before dh came along - that is above and beyond what I have with my family-in-law. I do not try to treat them differently, but the fact is there's a lot of "backstory" they just don't know. My own childhood family knows a lot more about what experiences and events shaped me into an adult. They understand things about me that my inlaws (or heck, sometimes even my dh) will never understand.

 

It's not that I treat them differently or like them better, it's the simple fact that we just have more history together.

[Peela]

They are all very different people- and both of our parents are divorced so we have 4 partners to contend with as well.

 

I guess I am not so familiar and relaxed with my own parents that I would be very blunt and forthright with them, the way I see others sometimes are with their parents. I left home at 16 and have lived on the other side of Australia to both of them since I was 18...so while I love them and they love me and we get on well- and there are conversations I can have with my mum that I cant have with my MIL, it's not incredibly close. YOu know, when you only see someone every few years...you tend to be on your best behaviour, wanting it to go well.

 

My MIL (who lives 15 minutes away but we see irregularly) didnt like me much at first. I wasnt good enough for her once wealthy son- I was a little hippie waif and she is very much into image . However over the years we have warmed to each other and she has been very kind to me. She is also 14 years older than my mum. We have some good conversations and there are times in the past when my marriage was in a rough place, when I had small kids, where she was very supportive.

 

But I can't say I let it all hang out with any of my parents or ILs. ANd I dont think I "should", either. It just is how it is and I dont have any idea that it should be different.

[cathmom]

Yes, this is exactly the way my relationship is with my IL's.

 

I actually would LOVE to be able to be accepted as a true daughter by them rather than just DIL. Both of my parents have past away and even though there is no way anyone could replace them, it would be nice to have that father and mother type figure in my life.

 

But not only am I the outsider, they are also just not very affectionate types anyway so it doesn't really dawn on them how cold their behavior is towards me. I mean, my MIL will make food for dh and tell me specifically that it is only for him to eat.

 

It's just so strange to me. I grew up in a very openly loving relationship with my parents, we hugged a lot, we told each other we loved each other every day, and my mom would never tell anyone they were not allowed to eat what she cooked.

 

So, no I would never be 'myself' around my IL's. There is always a bit of formality.

 

:grouphug:

[Liz CA]

One thing that is truly amazingly is that I am from a very broken family, while my in-laws are the most loving couple and parents in the world. The Lord used them to heal my past wounds. They treat me like their own daughter. Dh is their only child. I always feel loved, respected, and cherished by them, which makes it very easy to call them mom and dad while my own parents disappeared/died when I was 6 and 16 in China.

 

This must have been very difficult for you and I can understand that you feel like your in-laws deserve "parent status" since they are the parents to you that you never had.

[Liz CA]

Yes, this is exactly the way my relationship is with my IL's.

 

 

But not only am I the outsider, they are also just not very affectionate types anyway so it doesn't really dawn on them how cold their behavior is towards me. I mean, my MIL will make food for dh and tell me specifically that it is only for him to eat.

 

It's just so strange to me. I grew up in a very openly loving relationship with my parents, we hugged a lot, we told each other we loved each other every day, and my mom would never tell anyone they were not allowed to eat what she cooked.

 

 

 

 

Gosh, this is really awful.

[smrtmama]

My in-laws are not related to me in the same way my actual family is. They aren't my parents or my siblings. I don't love them in the same way, nor do I think it's realistic to expect me to. If you feel that way about your in-laws, great, but not me.

[i.love.lucy]

I've been a part of dh's family for 25 years; they're like my own family. There's not much I won't say at this point. (I'm sure they wish I would shut up sometimes. :D)

:iagree:

This is me exactly.

[Mrs Mungo]

I will add that geographical closeness probably makes a huge difference. We have lived at least 1800 miles away from *both* our families since 1994. We don't see each other's families more often than once or twice a year and sometimes we go longer than that.

[texasmama]

I am polite but honest with my dad. (My mom has passed away.) We have very little contact with FIL so it is a non issue. My MIL is not someone you can be honest with or have any sort of meaningful reciprocal relationship with (her children feel this way, as well), so I try to avoid her. When I cannot, I paste a smile on my face and pass a lot of bean dip.