WWYD with this young lady?

[Night Elf]

Dd18 has a friend who is "concerned" that dd18 is ruining her life by not attending college. She says things like, "But what will you do with your life? How will you marry and have children? and "You can't work at a job like this for the rest of your life even if you do become a manager." Dd18 has tried to tell this girl that many people live just fine without going to college and in fact, nearly everyone on my side of the family did not go to college. I just don't come from an academic family. DH went to college but his family members didn't. So really, this girl just isn't listening or doesn't care to listen to my dd. I'm about to say something to her myself. I really don't care for this girl or her mother. They are truly typical snobs. Unfortunately, dd18 really doesn't want to lose her friendship. I'd personally like to hit this girl with a clue by 4!

 

What would you advise your child if in the same situation? It's starting to hurt dd18's feelings. And all I can come up with is to cut her off and stop seeing her.

[Catwoman]

She may be well-intentioned, but if she's hurting your dd's feelings, she's not a true friend.

 

We do need to remember, though, that most 18yos think they know everything about everything, and this girl may honestly think she's doing your dd a favor by pressuring her to go to college. Your dd needs to set her straight and let her know the matter isn't open for discussion. As Wendy said, your dd doesn't have to say she'll never go to college (because she might want to go some day,) but that it's not the right choice for her right now.

 

Almost everyone I knew was in college at 18, and I don't think it's uncommon for college kids to think of high school grads as "losers." It's not correct, and it's not nice, but I don't think it's unusual (at least not in our area.) Is it snobby and nasty? Yes, of course it is, but it's clear that your dd's friend doesn't consider your dd to be in the "loser" category and she wants to help her be more like... well... herself.

 

Of course, I'm not excusing this girl's behavior; I'm just suggesting that if her mom is strongly pro-college and her other friends feel the same way, I can understand how she developed her attitude. Your dd needs to change the subject every time it comes up, or else resign herself to the possibility that this girl isn't the best friend for her to have.

 

Cat

[Greta]

I'm sure I would feel differently if I were in your shoes, but sitting here in my shoes, my thought is that your daughter is 18 and she needs to handle this in her own way. This doesn't strike me as an occasion for mom to step in. Give your daughter advice and direction, certainly! But as far as you saying something to the friend . . . I don't know. I wouldn't. Maybe the friend is genuinely concerned, and it's hard for her to understand a stable, fulfilling future for your daughter without college. That has probably been drilled into her head. I know my dh and I, particularly dh, are drilling that into our daughter's head! :lol: Obviously you know the girl, and I do not at all, but I'm just saying that I could imagine that there could be some genuine concern there and not just snobbery.

 

If your daughter is confident in her decision, I think it's up to her to defend it. But that's not to say you can't find ways to help her do that. :001_smile:

 

I don't know, but those are my thoughts. You should probably wait for the advice of some of the wiser ladies (and gentlemen) on these boards! :D

[Willow]

I agree, say as little as possible and then change the subject.

 

"yes college is an interesting option, but not the only one. I might consider it in the future. Thanks for your concern. Now, that project you were telling me about......"

 

ETA...and I would get your dd to do this. I wouldn't do it for her.

[silliness7]

I'm sure I would feel differently if I were in your shoes, but sitting here in my shoes, my thought is that your daughter is 18 and she needs to handle this in her own way. This doesn't strike me as an occasion for mom to step in. Give your daughter advice and direction, certainly! But as far as you saying something to the friend . . . I don't know. I wouldn't. Maybe the friend is genuinely concerned, and it's hard for her to understand a stable, fulfilling future for your daughter without college. That has probably been drilled into her head. I know my dh and I, particularly dh, are drilling that into our daughter's head! :lol: Obviously you know the girl, and I do not at all, but I'm just saying that I could imagine that there could be some genuine concern there and not just snobbery.

 

If your daughter is confident in her decision, I think it's up to her to defend it. But that's not to say you can't find ways to help her do that. :001_smile:

 

I don't know, but those are my thoughts. You should probably wait for the advice of some of the wiser ladies (and gentlemen) on these boards! :D

 

:iagree: Help dd18 formulate her own "argument" but let her deal with the friend and friendship on her own.

[Harriet Vane]

:iagree: Help dd18 formulate her own "argument" but let her deal with the friend and friendship on her own.

 

:iagree:

[Journey]

Why do you think this mom and girl are "snobs"? Is it because they don't believe like you do? Just wondering. This is the world though and most people think education over being a mom is more important. Whatever it is you and your daughter decide to say, just remember what you say because she's probably going to have to say it over and over again beacuse she is going to run into alot of people who believe what that girl does.

[Mrs Mungo]

I'm sure I would feel differently if I were in your shoes, but sitting here in my shoes, my thought is that your daughter is 18 and she needs to handle this in her own way. This doesn't strike me as an occasion for mom to step in. Give your daughter advice and direction, certainly! But as far as you saying something to the friend . . . I don't know. I wouldn't. Maybe the friend is genuinely concerned, and it's hard for her to understand a stable, fulfilling future for your daughter without college. That has probably been drilled into her head. I know my dh and I, particularly dh, are drilling that into our daughter's head! :lol: Obviously you know the girl, and I do not at all, but I'm just saying that I could imagine that there could be some genuine concern there and not just snobbery.

 

If your daughter is confident in her decision, I think it's up to her to defend it. But that's not to say you can't find ways to help her do that. :001_smile:

 

I don't know, but those are my thoughts. You should probably wait for the advice of some of the wiser ladies (and gentlemen) on these boards! :D

 

I have to agree with this (and anyone else who said something similar!).

[dcjlkplus3]

I think that with both girls being 18, there isn't anyplace for you in the discusion (unless the friend is talking to you about it). I would remind my dd that peer presure comes in many different forms, and that it is not always about "bad" things. Maybe suggest that she sit down with the friend and tell her (the friend) her (dd) concerns about the pressure.

[MamaSheep]

I think it's great that her friend is so concerned about her. But if they are close your dd should also be able to say to her, "Look, this is my decision. I understand that you are concerned for me, and I love you for it. But if you can't respect my decision, I'm concerned that it will affect our friendship. I do understand your opinion, and I appreciate your being willing to tell me honestly what you think. But I don't want to lose our friendship, so would you mind just being supportive this time?"

[Catwoman]

Why do you think this mom and girl are "snobs"?

 

I was secretly wondering that, too, but didn't have the nerve to ask. ;)

 

Cat

[Mejane]

How about having her say, "I have an idea. Let's talk about this again in thirty years when we both know how our lives turned out, and then we'll decide who made better choices!" :glare:

[lllll]

..

[RoughCollie]

I'd go for the direct approach: You are not listening to me, and that is hurting my feelings.

 

That's the crux of the matter, IMO. I also would not entertain arguments about choices I have already made. When someone (rarely) keeps on harping at me, I just say "I am not going to talk about this" to every single thing they say about the subject. Eventually they get the message, and then they are trained to Stop Talking About It the first time I say that.

[Abigail4476]

I'm probably the friend who would try to persuade your dd to go to college. I didn't finish, and now I'm waiting patiently for my kids to finish school so I can go back. I wish I hadn't dropped out of college. I would consider that the friend probably has good intentions, and I tend to agree with her. What another poster said about saying something along the lines of, "I'm not ready to do that right now; I may go later" should suffice. It doesn't mean she's a bad friend, either, because bad friends are the ones who only tell you what you like to hear; good ones advise you even when you might not agree with what they have to say, because they have your best interests at heart.

[gardening momma]

How will you marry and have children?

Is she supposed to meet her future spouse there? I didn't meet mine at college, and I went to 4 of them (no degree, though, just this one 。:D ). And having children is not dependent on going to college either. ;)

[Abigail4476]

So, basically, this girl is trying to have a conversation with your dd which your dd does not want to have?

 

If she were my dd, I would view this as an excellent opportunity to teach her a valuable life skill - namely how to slide, evade, cut off, etc., a conversation when you're ready to get out of it. I think I didn't actually learn how to do that until I was in my 20's or 30's, amazingly enough. I've definitely made an effort to teach my own dc such a valuable skill much sooner.

:iagree:

 

It's perfectly fine (and polite) to say, "I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to discuss this with you. If I decide to give college some thought, I'll probably talk it over with a college counselor or my parents."

[FO4UR]

"How do you plan to marry and care for children saddled with thousands of $$$ in SL debt?"

 

Really...I have a degree and SL debt. As a 31yo mother of 3, I wish I would have waited on the degree b/c I would have chosen a different major.

 

And that's my .02....and .02 is all I have after paying my SL payment.:tongue_smilie:

[Britomart]

:iagree:

 

It's perfectly fine (and polite) to say, "I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to discuss this with you. If I decide to give college some thought, I'll probably talk it over with a college counselor or my parents."

 

 

:iagree: My best friend and I have had some pretty big disagreements in our time (we're both strong-willed, opinionated women!), and there've been a few times where one or the other of us has had to say, "You know, I just don't want to talk about this subject with you for the foreseeable future."

 

Honestly? That was hard. Both to ask, and to respect. But . . . it worked. We loved each other enough that backing off was something each of us was willing to do. I think it worked because neither or us asked the other one to agree, just to give space around the subject.

 

And, in most cases, later on, when the pressure had eased, we talked about it again (often still disagreeing!). But it was important both to be able to ask for, and to give, space.

 

I'm not sure it would work between not-so-good friends though. It might not be worth the difficulty. But if your daughter really values the friendship, it's a technique that she might find worth trying. Just make sure she knows it might not work.

[Sophia]

What would you advise your child if in the same situation? It's starting to hurt dd18's feelings. And all I can come up with is to cut her off and stop seeing her.

 

I think I would prepare my dd by letting her know that there are different types of friends. Those who love and support you always, and those who's friendship is really contingent on whether or not you fit a certain mold.

 

There can be room for different depths of friendship in a person's life~so your dd doesn't need to lose this girl's friendship as you said she doesn't want to, however if she can recognize that this girl isn't one of those true blue nomatterwhat friends, then she (your dd) may find it easier to dismiss the negative comments and answer with a "Yea, yea, I heard you the first million times" and change the topic.

[Tree House Academy]

I actually think that your dd's friend is not being a "snob" here, but it seems like maybe she is saying this because she CARES for your dd. Perhaps she truly believes that college is key in succeeding and she wants to help your dd see that too. I can't say I don't agree with your dds friend. My mom and dad never went to college and they have struggled a lot financially compared to myself, my dh, my ex husband, etc. who did go to college. My mom was even a store manager for over 20 years, but she didn't make as much $ doing that as I did my first year out of college

 

At any rate, I would let dd handle her own friendships. If dd is tired of hearing it, she needs to say, "Hey, thanks for your input, but will you please stop talking about it? I get what you are saying, and I don't agree. We are going to have to agree to disagree here!"

[kalanamak]

 

What would you advise your child if in the same situation? It's starting to hurt dd18's feelings. And all I can come up with is to cut her off and stop seeing her.

 

Teach your daughter to pass the bean dip.