Overwhelming sadness about dc becoming adults...talk to me.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Before you start reading ... forgive the rambling nature of this. If I don't just start typing I might not type it at all.

 

I have for some time, actually since my first was born but more so lately, been worrying about my dc becoming adults and leaving the house. I don't really know how to explain my feelings without sounding selfish and obsessive. I love being around my dc. I love talking with them, joking, playing, goofing off, watching them. When they aren't around I feel very uneasy and lonely. I don't feel uneasy in a "oh, they are going to be in an accident" way but more of a "something doesn't feel right when one or more of them isn't with me" sort of way. They are the things that get me through the day, they bring me out of my depressions, make me realize how great my life is no matter how bad circumstances get, they brought me to God, they give me friendship, love, companionship, they make me strong and resilient, they teach me so much about myself, they point out my faults and they help me grow, they hold me accountable, they hold me to high standards that I wouldn't have without them...I don't want them to go away. The thought of them leaving makes my heart hurt. I worry about how I will feel when each one of them leaves. Just to think about it now makes my eyes well up with tears. I would be perfectly happy to have a house big enough for them all to have an apartment within it to raise their families. My dh has promised that when the last one is gone we will sell our house and buy a motor home so we can visit them all no matter where they are.:tongue_smilie: My sister suggested I just make sure I have hobbies but that isn't my issue. I'm not afraid of being bored; I have tons of hobbies and have no doubt I can fill my time...somehow hobbies seem empty and shallow compared to what life has been with my dear children.

 

I don't tell my dc any of this of coarse. I don't ever want them to feel as if they can't leave and pursue their own dreams just because mom will be lonely and won't be able to handle it. I do want them to be truly happy even if that means I rarely get to see them. In fact dh and I have often encouraged them to consider jobs in other countries. Dh lived in Germany and England for a large portion of his life and wants them to experience life outside the boundaries of the US. Anyway...

 

I just want to say that I know people who don't feel this way love their children just as much and as deeply as I do. This isn't a matter of how much I love them. Its more an issue of this overwhelming attachment or maybe I should say obsession with my dc. Sometimes it does feel like an obsession, although that word has negative connotations. Sometimes when I'm watching them play I just start crying because I can't believe that they belong to me and I belong to them. Will my life seem completely empty when they aren't around anymore?

 

So, do any of you feel the same way? If you have had dc leave already, how have you dealt with that? Have these intense emotions evened out or lessened as your dc get closer to being adults? Talk to me.

[Remudamom]

Well, my oldest is moving away with his new wife (who, btw really is adorable) and I'm crushed. I know they're excited about the possibilities that are ahead of them, but man, it's hard on the mom.

 

And my babies are 16, and the next oldest is 18.

 

If I figure anything out I'll get back to you, but don't hold your breath.

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't think there is any way around those types of feelings. I had lived in the same house all my life in Oklahoma until I married my dh. I cried all the way to our first duty station in California. We've since lived all over. I love our life and wouldn't trade it for anything. BUT, I know it's really hard on my parents. I talk to my mom on the phone close to every other day. My dad cries every time we go home to visit and leave again. :( I know it will be even more difficult when if and when it's my children doing the leaving. :(

[Laurie4b]

It sounds like you love them but also that you need them to fill something in you. I think needing a person to fill something within oneself is likely to lead to problems along the way. I think it's important to develop other relationships that fulfill us outside of our children, because homeschooling can be an invitation to that kind of obsessive focus on dc. How deep is your connection with God? How is your relationship with your dh? Do you have close girlfriends? Finding that balance is important so that we can love our children well. You don't have to tell your children how dependent you are on their presence for your happiness--they will sense it. So for their sake, my advice would be to really evaluate other relationships in your life and invest in those relationships, too, so that there is a balance.

[Mejane]

I hear you. Mine are 15 and almost 18 and we are extremely close. They are away for many hours each day at dance, and sometimes when they're gone and the house is so quiet, I'll think 'soon, this is how it will always be.' It almost stops my heart.

 

Otoh, sometimes they are such brats that I look forward to them going. I think that may be why teens are such a pain - so we can make that break. :001_smile:

[Sophia]

I know I am going to cry buckets when my oldest moves out.

 

Having said that, there is something really exciting about watching your children become adults and begin to spread their wings.

 

It will be hard to let go, But I can already feel how their enthusiasm for life and exploring new challenges will be contagious and letting them go will just be the right and natural thing to do.

 

At least, that's what I keep telling myself :tongue_smilie:.

[Kathleen in VA]

My oldest just got married in June and moved about an hour away. He and his wife still come to our church and come for lunch most every Sunday afternoon so I am blessed with that. He's expecting his first child next July so I have that to look forward to. I'm glad for him to be able to venture out on his own, grow into a man, take care of a darling wife and family. It's a joy to watch him move into this new part of his life. I miss him but knowing he's happy helps me to be happy for him.

 

I think God gives us grace to deal with each stage in our lives. There is something wonderful and precious to embrace about each new adventure. I sometimes look around wistfully at my children and think about the day when they will all be out on their own. It is sad, but then it would be very strange if they never left to start their own lives.

 

I find the best remedy for those overwhelming melancholy feelings is to just be thankful for today. Sounds cliche, doesn't it? Sorry about that, but I do think it's true. Focusing on one day at a time and being thankful for the time I have with my children now (especially the luxury of being able to homeschool them) keeps those dreary thoughts away. None of us knows how long we have on this earth - we don't know how long our children have. Reading the heartbreaking threads here today about children who never made it to adulthood helps put things in perspective for me. Cherish your life each day, tend it with love and affection, and let the future alone for now.:grouphug:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Well, my oldest is moving away with his new wife (who, btw really is adorable) and I'm crushed. I know they're excited about the possibilities that are ahead of them, but man, it's hard on the mom.

 

And my babies are 16, and the next oldest is 18.

 

If I figure anything out I'll get back to you, but don't hold your breath.

 

Uh...thanks? :tongue_smilie:

 

I don't think there is any way around those types of feelings. I had lived in the same house all my life in Oklahoma until I married my dh. I cried all the way to our first duty station in California. We've since lived all over. I love our life and wouldn't trade it for anything. BUT, I know it's really hard on my parents. I talk to my mom on the phone close to every other day. My dad cries every time we go home to visit and leave again. :( I know it will be even more difficult when if and when it's my children doing the leaving. :(

Yes, my mom lives less than 30 minutes from us...I see her 3 -4 times a month and she cries when its time to part. I'm pretty sure I'm the way I am because she is like this too. My whole life I lived either with my parents or across the driveway from them. We have only lived this far apart for the last 4 years. She fills her life with her dog-children now. That may be me in another 16 years.

 

It sounds like you love them but also that you need them to fill something in you. I think needing a person to fill something within oneself is likely to lead to problems along the way. I think it's important to develop other relationships that fulfill us outside of our children, because homeschooling can be an invitation to that kind of obsessive focus on dc. How deep is your connection with God? How is your relationship with your dh? Do you have close girlfriends? Finding that balance is important so that we can love our children well. You don't have to tell your children how dependent you are on their presence for your happiness--they will sense it. So for their sake, my advice would be to really evaluate other relationships in your life and invest in those relationships, too, so that there is a balance.

 

Laurie, I think you are very right. My relationship with God is hugely important to me and I couldn't dream of a better relationship with dh, we are truly best friends. As for other friends though, not really. I have tried but can't seem to make a connection with anyone. Probably a big part of that is that with 5 young dc I don't have a lot of time to invest and honestly, between my own dc and other family I haven't yet felt the need for other deep relationships. This is something that I do need to work on as the dc get older. Thank you.

[Chris in VA]

Aime, I agree with Laurie, but I also want to say that you can't stand the thought of them moving out because it isn't time for them to do that. Your feelings about wanting them close are appropriate for right now.

I am close to mine, too--but have a different circumstance. When my middle child had to leave our home for drug treatment, it hurt so badly! Not only b/c of the reason he had to leave, but because it was out of the natural order for him to go. He wasn't equipped, he wasn't mature, he wasn't--well, so many things! Then when the oldest left for college, I had a few days of real sadness, but then I realized the circumstances of his leaving were totally different, and I could rejoice that the time was right, he was ready, and it was just--well, right!

 

As they grow, it is fitting that there be a gradual letting go--I know, "hold on to your kids" and all--there's a place for that, for sure. But I mean, gradually they need to gain independence, and, as Laurie so wisely said, you need to be able to grant them that so that they can be psychologically healthy and not enmeshed with you.

 

I know it's hard. I still miss my eldest!! Can't tell you how happy I am for him to come home on Friday. This is right, tho--I am not going to think about how it will be when he is out of college, and that is ok. Why be anxious for the future? :001_smile:

[5LittleMonkeys]

Otoh, sometimes they are such brats that I look forward to them going. I think that may be why teens are such a pain - so we can make that break. :001_smile:

:lol:

 

It will be hard to let go, But I can already feel how their enthusiasm for life and exploring new challenges will be contagious and letting them go will just be the right and natural thing to do.

 

This is my hope. That as they get older God will change my heart and I will become excited to see what lies ahead for them. I am already excited about seeing the adults they will become and seeing what paths they take.

 

I think God gives us grace to deal with each stage in our lives. There is something wonderful and precious to embrace about each new adventure. I sometimes look around wistfully at my children and think about the day when they will all be out on their own. It is sad, but then it would be very strange if they never left to start their own lives.

 

I find the best remedy for those overwhelming melancholy feelings is to just be thankful for today. Sounds cliche, doesn't it? Sorry about that, but I do think it's true. Focusing on one day at a time and being thankful for the time I have with my children now (especially the luxury of being able to homeschool them) keeps those dreary thoughts away. None of us knows how long we have on this earth - we don't know how long our children have. Reading the heartbreaking threads here today about children who never made it to adulthood helps put things in perspective for me. Cherish your life each day, tend it with love and affection, and let the future alone for now.:grouphug:

:glare:You made me get all teary eyed again:glare:. Seriously, cliche or not, these are sweet words and ones I need to be reminded of. I do have days where I just try to soak up as much of them as I possibly can but then there are those days, when they are all doing there own thing, that I sit and contemplate. I will try to do more soaking and less contemplating.

 

Aime, I agree with Laurie, but I also want to say that you can't stand the thought of them moving out because it isn't time for them to do that. Your feelings about wanting them close are appropriate for right now.

I am close to mine, too--but have a different circumstance. When my middle child had to leave our home for drug treatment, it hurt so badly! Not only b/c of the reason he had to leave, but because it was out of the natural order for him to go. He wasn't equipped, he wasn't mature, he wasn't--well, so many things! Then when the oldest left for college, I had a few days of real sadness, but then I realized the circumstances of his leaving were totally different, and I could rejoice that the time was right, he was ready, and it was just--well, right!

 

As they grow, it is fitting that there be a gradual letting go--I know, "hold on to your kids" and all--there's a place for that, for sure. But I mean, gradually they need to gain independence, and, as Laurie so wisely said, you need to be able to grant them that so that they can be psychologically healthy and not enmeshed with you.

 

I know it's hard. I still miss my eldest!! Can't tell you how happy I am for him to come home on Friday. This is right, tho--I am not going to think about how it will be when he is out of college, and that is ok. Why be anxious for the future? :001_smile:

 

What you say about it not being the right time yet makes sense. Perhaps when they are 20 or so I will be better able to deal with it. I also agree with what you say about granting them their independence. That is a big priority for me. My mother always told me that she didn't want me to leave and that she would be lonely and lost without me. I don't ever want to lay that burden on my children. We have told them that they can stay through college or trade school and that we aren't against them staying beyond that if circumstances arise but we stress how great it will be when they reach that time when they can go out into the world and explore. Everytime we have that conversation though I get a lump in my throat.

 

Thank you all so far for your kind words and sharing your own feelings. I do feel better about how I feel. I don't yet feel better about them eventually leaving...but I'll try to live one day at a time, make some friends, and trust that when the time comes it will feel right. I do think I will remain obsessed with them for a little while longer though, soaking up as much as I can and wallowing in their joy. Even the ones that test my resolve.:tongue_smilie:

[Mom0012]

I have kind of similar feelings. I had a very happy childhood until we moved when I was 12. Then I went through years of depression and then just not being satisfied with my life. When I was 29, I got married and had my children and the last 10 years have been wonderful. I was just born to be a mom. That is my career/life choice but, unfortunately, it is a very short-lived one. I only have 2 children and they are growing up and in a few years, they will move on with their lives and I will have to move on with mine. I see myself reverting back to a dissatisfied state again at that point, though I am hopeful that I will have grandchildren and will get a lot of joy out of them. I have begun to start thinking about other areas I might be able to develop a passion for in preparation for the future, but I haven't come up with anything that is truly feasible yet.

 

Lisa

[Guest CarolineUK]

Yes, I have those feelings too, sometimes almost overwhelmingly. I also trust that when the time comes for them to move on it will feel normal and natural, even if a little sad. I think your feelings do change as your children get older, for example, although I love all my children equally and with a passion, my feelings for DS11 are already not quite as intensely protective and obsessive as they are for DS3 (though I felt exactly the same for DS11 when he was 3 yo as I do for DS3 now).

 

Just a thought, you mention depression, I suffered from severe depression when I was in my teens and twenties, and I remember that some negative emotions that other people could handle quite easily would totally crush me, all because of my state of mind. It may be worth checking out and if this were the case it might be treated quite quickly and effectively.

 

:grouphug: Your children sound wonderful, and they're very lucky having such a loving mother.

[Danestress]

I sat up all night crying the night when my oldest went away to college. And honestly, I was SO ready for him to go - he needed to go. I needed him to go. But it's hard when your nest is missing someone who has been there for years and years. I was sad.

 

I do think we have to fight these feelings though. I mean, we have to allow ourselves to mourn the passing of each stage. It's bitter sweet when a child learns to tie his shoes, learns to give himself a bath, gets a drivers license. I think we have to acknowledge the sense of loss and allow ourselves to mourn what is passing away. Be gentle with yourself.

 

At the same time, though, we have to fight the dwelling on this loss. Your children will be absolutely thrilled to venture out. We have to cultivate a happiness about it for their sake. We need to share their joy if we want them to feel like we are really on their "team."

 

I try to focus more and more on my DH and remember to really put my heart in that relationship. There will be a day when he's the only guy I live with. I also think we have to cultivate our female friendships. I know a lot of women here have disdain for the value of friendships with other women, but I see my mother who is a widow with all her children grown and in their own homes, and her friends have sustained her. She's had the same friends my entire life (and some new ones too, of course) and even as an extreme introvert, this has been a blessing to her older years.

 

But honestly, when I think about my boys moving out, it does make my heart hurt. I love them so much and I do feel so connected to them. I just want them to really enjoy their relationship with me as adult men, and I know that cultivating a joy in their independence will be part of that. I don't want them to feel a sadness in me when they are grown.

[Laurie4b]

I have one who is 18 who will be leaving for college next year, Lord willing.

 

It *is* easier now than it was when I thought about it when he was wee, but of course I am still sad. One of the things that helps me is something someone (I believe on this board) said, which is, "You would be even sadder if they couldn't leave home, go to college, and get married." Parenting is very hard because in the other relationships we have approaching that intensity of affection, the relationship gets closer over time, not more distant. And yet that is the job of a parent--a kind of sacrifice in the love that lets them go for their sake.

Edited December 16, 2010 by Laurie4b

[SailorMom]

I think it is wonderful that you are recognizing now that your emotions may be a bit strong, and might cause you problems later.

I look at my boys (14 and 13) and have small panic attacks - I worry I am not preparing them well enough! I know I will also cry buckets when it is time for them to go - but I also see it as a new stage in my life that I am really looking forward to.

 

DH and I have extensive plans - sailing around the world - and that probably helps. I also do think that no matter how much we love our kids, they should never be "everything" to us. Pursue educational goals, have good adult friends to spend time with, go on dates with your DH... now.

 

My mom went into a DEEP depression the older we got. By the time I was in high school, she had began drinking - heavily - I see it as self medicating. She told me all the time that she only ever wanted to be a SAHM and have little ones, and that she was so upset we were growing up. That was VERY hard to deal with. Even when she acted like it was all ok - she was not good at hiding her true emotions, and we could tell she grieved at all of our happiest milestones.

 

She was a horrible alcoholic after I left the house, and died when I was 26 of multiple organ failure. I know this is extreme, but I also know that if she had perhaps gotten therapy, or had more of a fulfilling life outside of motherhood, she may still be here today.

 

You have many wonderful years ahead, and your job as a mother - and your kids need of you as a mother - will not end when they leave the nest. In fact - I think I needed my mom the most after she was already gone. I would have loved more time with her after my children were born. Also - I think our best relationships with our kids are after they have become adults. This really is something to look forward to :)

[texasmama]

:grouphug: It sounds like you are one of those people (myself included) who frontload your feelings. You prepare for events emotionally long before they actually occur. What I have found for myself is that because I do the emotional work prior to the event, the emotional impact when the event occurs is less than it would be.

 

I feel sad about not having any more babies, not nursing ever again (that is a big one for me), and getting to the stage at which I can no longer hip carry any of my kids. My youngest is 5 yo and weighs over 50 pounds. I can still pick her up and carry her a short distance, but that is drawing to a close.

 

You and I have both spread out our dc over years, so we will be potentially be rearing our own while including grandchildren in our lives.

 

I agree with finding some balance in other relationships. I also think your feelings are normal. My dh has a very hard time when he looks at how quickly the kids are growing. It represents something in his own life, something very deep. When you reach the place at which you no longer have children with you in your home, I'm sure that God will provide other "work" and meaning in your life. Life evolves. I am also not one of those folks who cannot wait to get my kids "out of the house". While I don't want to encourage dependency on me (emotional or financial), dh and I are open to the kids coming in and out of our home for quite some time. I did that with my parents, and dh and I lived with my parents for 9 months when my youngest was 4 yo while we were building our current house. It was a precious time for all of us, and I treasure it now (my mom passed away 4 1/2 years ago).

 

More:grouphug: to you. You will always be their mama, and they will always need you.:grouphug:

[elegantlion]

I have embraced each season of my son's life. I work to be aware of its blessings while he's in it, because with one child, I just get to go through this once.

 

I think my dh is going to have a harder time than me. We just moved and there are a couple of local are colleges. I think dh fully plans for ds to attend one of them and live at home.

 

Seriously, I'm not sure how I feel. I have a certain closeness to my son because we homeschool, but I also enjoy seeing him grow up. We're not quite in our new house and he's been at my parents for a week. He loves them and that is the main reason we moved, I talk to him everyday, but I'm enjoying my alone time.

 

I look forward to knowing my son as an adult, but I'm quite sure when I'll have those lonely moments.

[5LittleMonkeys]

Those who mentioned depression - I do worry about that. Before I had children I had bouts with depression also but was always able to get myself out of it without medication. My mom is on medication now for depression. In her case I think it is a chemical thing because she went through it even when my sister and I were home. However, being lonely and feeling no purpose seem to make it worse. I don't want that to happen to me because I want my dc to be bolstered up by my enthusiasm about them becoming adults.

 

I've never heard of frontloading your feelings but yes, I suppose that is what I do. I know having an empty nest is a long way off for me but I know myself and if I don't start exploring these feelings and emotions now, time will fly by and I will find myself taken by surprise by them. I do the same thing regarding the passing of my parents. I talk to my mom about it and to dh. For me, discussing and exploring my emotions about it help. My sister won't talk about it at all and I do think she will have a harder time when that day comes. But that's off topic.

 

I don't think I will ever be able to keep from having these feelings but talking about them and getting all of your thoughts and experiences surely helps put them in perspective and gives me ideas for how to cope later.

 

What does it say about me that I can discuss this more freely with all of you than I can my few irl girlfriends.:confused:

[Guest CarolineUK]

Aime, the way I dealt with depression was not medication, but by doing a part-time degree course in Psychology and another part-time course in counselling (and some volunteer work in counselling). I found that learning more about how I, and other people, 'tick' helped enormously, and have since heard of research confirming this. I really enjoyed those five years studying - at the time I was young, free and single, it was my life. That's not something you could really contemplate while raising your little brood at the moment, but maybe something you might consider for the future. I found the ideas of cognitive behavioural therapy the most effective. I still get times when I feel anxious and 'glum', but now I can talk/work myself out of it. Certainly you have the most important things in your life already, a loving family and, by the sound of it, a supportive, caring husband, and your family will always be with you even though relationships change.

[joni470]

Yes, I think this is hard no matter how you slice it.

[fairfarmhand]

It sounds like you love them but also that you need them to fill something in you. I think needing a person to fill something within oneself is likely to lead to problems along the way. I think it's important to develop other relationships that fulfill us outside of our children, because homeschooling can be an invitation to that kind of obsessive focus on dc. How deep is your connection with God? How is your relationship with your dh? Do you have close girlfriends? Finding that balance is important so that we can love our children well. You don't have to tell your children how dependent you are on their presence for your happiness--they will sense it. So for their sake, my advice would be to really evaluate other relationships in your life and invest in those relationships, too, so that there is a balance.

:iagree:

[angela in ohio]

I have the same thoughts, especially as we start having more and more discussions with oldest dd about her life plans and college choices, she is becoming so mature, and she is getting ready to start driver's ed.

 

We have such a wonderful, cozy little family culture. I will miss it desperately when they are with their own families most of the time. I get hope from reading books like the Schaeffer's What is a Family? about building a functional multi-generational family. I hope I'll be able to focus on how exciting it will be to see how much better our dc can do than we did.

 

Dh and I had kiddos pretty young, so we also talk about adopting/fostering once my youngest is older. Raising children is the one thing I've ever felt truly good at.

 

I also know that dh and I will have a great time, since we get along so very well. I suppose we could just have fun of our own. :001_smile:

[Julie in CA]

About 5 years ago, I was walking through Target in August. There were many, many moms with teenagers shopping for dorm supplies (big college town). I broke out in tears as I watched them, because I just couldn't figure out how they could all look so comfortable with preparing for their dc to leave the nest. I remember that so clearly!

 

Now though, my dc are older, and I'm able to think of their adult lives with excitement for the possibilities. I've made plans for what things I will do to refocus my attentions after they are gone, not because I'm bored, but because I realize that I will be healthier if I do.

 

Cultivating an independent life for both myself and my dc is working. :001_smile::grouphug:

[ereks mom]

...that I know exactly where you are coming from. All of my kids' lives, I have dreaded their growing up and moving away from me. In 2008, when my oldest went to college 2 hours from home, I had a nervous breakdown of sorts. I was EXTREMELY depressed. (You might even remember some of my posts from that time. Many of the ladies here were very dear to pray for me and check on me, and I am so grateful for that.) At that time, all I could think was, "I can't believe it's over." There was so much more I wanted to do with him while he was still in my care. And you know what, I've realized that no matter how old he was when he moved out, I'd still feel the same way. When you love someone that deeply, no amount of time is EVER enough. So... two years later, I am okay with ER's moving out on his own. Things even seem a bit unusual when he IS here. Not that I don't LOVE it when he comes home, but it's not as traumatic now as it was then because I've adjusted to it. Now my "baby" is 16 and will graduate in 2 1/2 short years, and I am actually not dreading the empty nest as much as I used to. (I can't believe I'm actually able to say that!) I have plans for a "career" after she goes to college, and that keeps me from fearing that I'll just be sitting home twiddling my thumbs. I can honestly say that I am excited for my children and what the future holds for them, and I am not simply looking backward and mourning their childhood.

[ereks mom]

Now though, my dc are older, and I'm able to think of their adult lives with excitement for the possibilities. I've made plans for what things I will do to refocus my attentions after they are gone, not because I'm bored, but because I realize that I will be healthier if I do.

 

 

:iagree:

[5LittleMonkeys]

There was so much more I wanted to do with him while he was still in my care.

 

This is the part I dwell on a lot. I feel panicked sometimes that I'll run out of time before I've taught them everything I think they should know. However, I know that to grow as a good person you have to figure a lot out on your own. I remember trying to show my dd13 how to sew on a button and she was completely not interested. I got this wave of panic and this ridiculous image in my mind of her walking around with her shirts fastened by safety pins!:tongue_smilie: She told me not to worry and that she thought she might be able to figure it out when the need arose. I felt really silly. :D

[mcconnellboys]

Oh, my dear, just wait until the first one graduates and goes to college. Oh my!

 

We have always told ours that we are perfectly happy for them to continue to live with us. I personally think that the dissolution of the extended family in the U.S. has helped to undermine family values here, among other things.

 

Both my husband and I believe that in the future costs here will make it necessary for families to begin to live together again. I think that might prove rocky at first, but will eventually lead to benefits that will make people quite happy to be living with extended family....

 

I hope my children never go away. If they want to, of course, that is their decision. But I personally hope that they will be with me always....

[Margaret in GA]

I hear you. Mine are 15 and almost 18 and we are extremely close. They are away for many hours each day at dance, and sometimes when they're gone and the house is so quiet, I'll think 'soon, this is how it will always be.' It almost stops my heart.

 

Otoh, sometimes they are such brats that I look forward to them going. I think that may be why teens are such a pain - so we can make that break. :001_smile:

:iagree:

 

Exactly. You haven't even been through those tough teenage years when they will pull away. Usually they pull away in the form of rebellion. I long for those days when my heart would burst when I though of them leaving. I'm not saying I won't be very, very sad. But, it's not the devastating thought it once was.

 

Margaret

[Mommyfaithe]

I wrote about this on my blog in my week in review 1/25-1/29.

 

I have graduated 3...now probably 4 as it seems Elvis is really ready to move onto newer and greener pastures.

 

I am not sure how to deal with it, except, well...you have to deal with it....sigh....

 

The link is in my siggie...and reading it myself, makes me cry.

 

Faithe

[ereks mom]

I sat up all night crying the night when my oldest went away to college. And honestly, I was SO ready for him to go - he needed to go. I needed him to go. But it's hard when your nest is missing someone who has been there for years and years. I was sad.

 

I do think we have to fight these feelings though. I mean, we have to allow ourselves to mourn the passing of each stage. It's bitter sweet when a child learns to tie his shoes, learns to give himself a bath, gets a drivers license. I think we have to acknowledge the sense of loss and allow ourselves to mourn what is passing away. Be gentle with yourself.

 

At the same time, though, we have to fight the dwelling on this loss. Your children will be absolutely thrilled to venture out. We have to cultivate a happiness about it for their sake. We need to share their joy if we want them to feel like we are really on their "team."

 

I try to focus more and more on my DH and remember to really put my heart in that relationship. There will be a day when he's the only guy I live with. I also think we have to cultivate our female friendships. I know a lot of women here have disdain for the value of friendships with other women, but I see my mother who is a widow with all her children grown and in their own homes, and her friends have sustained her. She's had the same friends my entire life (and some new ones too, of course) and even as an extreme introvert, this has been a blessing to her older years.

 

But honestly, when I think about my boys moving out, it does make my heart hurt. I love them so much and I do feel so connected to them. I just want them to really enjoy their relationship with me as adult men, and I know that cultivating a joy in their independence will be part of that. I don't want them to feel a sadness in me when they are grown.

 

Very well-said :001_smile:

[kalanamak]

 

So, do any of you feel the same way?

 

Like eating roughage to stay regular, every day I think "a child is but a visitor in the house", and think of my folks letting 6 go. I have easy compared to them.