s/o: paying off debt/saving - what about the kids?

[annabanana1992]

I grew up in a home with 2 working professional parents who are pretty consumed with saving/not spending. Without going into the gory details, my memories of growing up in that environment are not pleasant, to say the least. Because of my experiences as a child, I am somewhat reluctant to go down the same path. DH and I have followed some of the smart money strategies (no debt other than mortgage, emergency savings, saving for retirement, etc.), but I am really struggling to go beyond that because of the impact on my kids. Am I alone in this struggle? Do any of the money books address this issue?

 

Thanks!

[Mejane]

My parents were spenders; dh's were savers. When we got married, it was a bit of a problem because we were both very like our parents. Gradually, we morphed into being more alike. Now, 25 years later, I'm the cheap one, and he wants to spend. It's the financial circle of life. :)

 

Find a balance you can both live with. More importantly, don't keep your kids out of the financial loop. I'm a firm believer that kids should know about family finances and how to budget, save, and spend wisely.

[LisaKinVA]

I grew up in a home with 2 working professional parents who are pretty consumed with saving/not spending. Without going into the gory details, my memories of growing up in that environment are not pleasant, to say the least. Because of my experiences as a child, I am somewhat reluctant to go down the same path. DH and I have followed some of the smart money strategies (no debt other than mortgage, emergency savings, saving for retirement, etc.), but I am really struggling to go beyond that because of the impact on my kids. Am I alone in this struggle? Do any of the money books address this issue?

 

Thanks!

 

No. You aren't alone in this struggle (my father dumpster dives...even for food :glare:). I scrimped, saved, and then the pendulum swung the other way for a little while. We are now, on what I consider a "balanced" path.

 

IMO, you can't take it with you. Money is meant to help us enjoy this life... and help others in need. More in the bank is just more in the bank (not that I don't want ANY in the bank, but saving for the sake of saving really made me bitter about saving). I will forego things for myself to give to my children. But, everything in balance.

 

Yes, I feed my kids lentils... and spread out meat dishes. I feel as if I am fairly frugal. I definitely could be *more* frugal -- but at what personal cost? Where that line is may change from person to person. I buy my children's play clothes used. I buy some shoes used, and some shoes new. I buy our dress clothes (for the most part), NEW. Although, sport coats and such I will buy used, assuming I can find them. We make things, we budget -- but since I can buy a brand new Ford for the cost of a 2 year-old used model... I get new cars every 10 years or so (we're about due :D).

 

We have never been to Disneyworld, but we will have family season passes to King's Dominion this year. My kids swim and are in scouts -- but have to work to earn their camping money. I really feel pretty good about this process, but it is ever evolving.

 

And I am so very excited about the new home we are building... energy efficient, and it looks like we'll even have geothermal heat/cooling and hot water! (Yeah, it is about $2k more up front, but propane heat in our area AVERAGES $1000 a month for homes our size, electric heat pumps average $600 a month, and my dad's Geothermal system in a 20 yr. old fixer upper, poorly insulated house, with 10 people using showers, and untold computers and electronics tops out at $350 a month!). So, that $2k is money in the bank as far as I'm concerned.

 

Okay... back to your regularly scheduled programming :D

[Pretty in Pink]

You have to find a comfortable balance. I certainly wouldn't ration food just so that we could save for the sake of saving. Rationing food is for very lean times! There is nothing wrong with being prudent with our discretionary income though.

 

I think it's very wise to involve children in the budgeting process. When they can see how much is coming in and where it's being spent they can be more understanding of your financial decisions, and they can see plainly (in black and white) that if the choice is between paying the electric bill or registering for gymastics, it is wise to pay the electric bill.

[Rosy]

Well, on the flip side, it's also not pleasant growing up in an environment where there's nothing left at the end of the month, where the electricity gets shut off, etc.--so don't discount the stability you're providing for your kids! That said, there is a lot of fun to be had that doesn't cost anything (or costs very little). My kids think they're in the "funnest family ever", and they've never been on an airplane, don't get many new clothes, haven't done Disney, etc.

 

If you want to go further with your saving, I would consider planning a "fun night" every week and let the kids help come up with ideas of things you can do at home or locally that are cheap or free. Maybe budget a small amount of money for fun stuff--I'm a firm believer that things are appreciated more when they're rare. My kids get excited when I buy new sheets for their beds--not because they've had to go without, but because they see getting new things as a treat. On the other hand, some of their friends who come over have brand new pajamas, are used to eating whatever they want for lunch, have new toys they really don't care about, etc. I think gratefulness is the key to happiness, and I think gratefulness comes a lot easier when you're not used to having the world handed to you.

 

I don't know how much of this applies to you, but I wanted to share another perspective, that there are blessings to living on a tight budget, whether by choice or necessity.

[Renee in NC]

I guess I get to look on the bright side of this topic!!!:D

 

When we get to the point where we have some "excess" money above the basic expenditures, my dc won't even notice if we save it! The frugal things that people do to save money are second nature to them. I plan (since I am the money person and dh doesn't want to even *know* about it) to continue to be extremely conservative about finances. Some can continue in the name of being "green":tongue_smilie: and others will just be continuation of the same.

 

I hope that we can buy another house in the future, so we have to get 6 months in the bank, be saving 15% (and giving away 10%), and save for a 20% downpayment. It might be awhile, but it will happen eventually.

 

I'll get them what they need (clothes, shoes, medical and dental care, etc.) and some of what they want (birthday and Christmas), but nothing else will change much.

Edited December 15, 2010 by Renee in FL

[RahRah]

DH and I are in save/pay-down mode, but include in our budget DS's allowance, dining out, entertainment, gift giving occasions and vacations....to us, those expenses are part of life, and a part we enjoy as a family, so we budget it in and stick with the budget when planning things like where to eat out or where to stay on vacation.

[Jennifer in MI]

We have decided that, rather than pay down on our mortgage (our only debt) aggressively, we'll take a certain amount of money each year and take a wonderful vacation or two. My kids will only be in my house for another 3 − 10 years (depending on the child) and I want them to have wonderful memories.

 

But, we scrimp and save in ALL other areas of our lives. I know we could create wonderful memories other ways and pay off our mortgage early, but I don't want to! I LOVE to travel and so do my kids.

 

It's all about finding a balance that works for you!

[OrganicAnn]

I think it is all about attitude. You can have a saving and happy attitude family or a saving and scrimping attitude family. If all the parents talk about is how much things cost and complaining about the costs, then kids are not going to be too happy hearing about that all the time. But if you save, but just talk about how happy and blessed you are, then that will affect the kids attitude.

 

Suzie Orman in one of her books talks about how your childhood experiences with money affect you as an adult.

 

The whole attitude idea reminds me of my ex SIL she once told me that she associates Christmas cookies with guilt and work. Her mom every year would make lots of some special kind of cookie and spend to whole time whining and complaining about the work. I compared that to my family who made lots of christmas cookies and we had a blast. So it isn't the christmas cookies or the saving money, it is the attitude.

[annabanana1992]

Thanks so much for the thought-provoking responses - you are wonderfully helpful, as always!

[Lizzie in Ma]

If you want to go further with your saving, I would consider planning a "fun night" every week and let the kids help come up with ideas of things you can do at home or locally that are cheap or free. Maybe budget a small amount of money for fun stuff--I'm a firm believer that things are appreciated more when they're rare. My kids get excited when I buy new sheets for their beds--not because they've had to go without, but because they see getting new things as a treat. On the other hand, some of their friends who come over have brand new pajamas, are used to eating whatever they want for lunch, have new toys they really don't care about, etc. I think gratefulness is the key to happiness, and I think gratefulness comes a lot easier when you're not used to having the world handed to you.

 

I don't know how much of this applies to you, but I wanted to share another perspective, that there are blessings to living on a tight budget, whether by choice or necessity.

 

Very similar here, loved how you put it in writing. :iagree:

[QueenCat]

We believe in a healthy balance. We save for retirement, and will have no consumer debt in about two years, other than one car payment. And a mortgage. I'm fine with one car payment at a time, and don't think there is anything wrong with that. Our goal is to have no mortgage when we retire in another 20 years, which means when we move in another 3-4, we'll go with a 15 year loan. Since we're not in a mode where we have to be super frugal, we do budget for dining out and vacations. Vacationing once a year for a full week, and a couple of long weekends are a priority for us, higher than not having a car payment or no mortgage. As long as we can afford the mortgage (it's much lower than we qualified for) and the car payment, there is nothing wrong with having them. We have some college savings but made it a priority to prepare our children for academic scholarships. We do have a line item budget but are not followers of Dave Ramsey. I've seen to many people have an almost worship like attitude towards him that it is scary.

[Sherry in OH]

Budgets are not only for people struggling with debt. A budget allows you to allocate your funds according your family's priorities. If paying extra on the mortgage is a priority, allocate more funds to the mortgage. If a fancy vacation is more your style, then figure out what it would cost and allocate funds until you reach your goal. As long as you are meeting your financial obligations, you decide what to do the extra.

[Soror]

I agree w/ pp I think it is more the attitude. I think if the attitude of the home is depriving for the sake of hoarding money then it will cause resentment. Our funtime budget is pretty small but we are always going and doing fun free or nearly things. There are actually more things to do then we have the time and energy. We enjoy hiking and camping, state parks are awesome, festivals, cool events at the library- all kinds of things. We do take a short vacation every year but there are so many ways to save money on that.

 

We buy used for clothes and most things for the kids and for ourselves. I cannot see paying more money just for nothing. However, there are of course times when it is better to spend more for more quality and more use and it is worth it.

[rwjx2khsmj]

I think getting our kids involved in some of the budgeting decisions for our family has been a huge help in saving and sticking to a budget.

 

The dc get a set amount of money for clothes twice a year or so. We sit down together and decide what is necessary and what they'd like to have. Then they come up with a plan for covering the necessities. I obviously give a lot more guidance to the younger children.

 

For example, dd14 gets $150 for fall/winter clothes to cover everything from new jeans, underwear, shoes, etc. She's grown a little but some things still fit. By shopping for jeans at Plato's Closet she was able to buy the boots she really wanted.

 

Before we started giving them control of the money, dd14 would have wanted to buy every piece of clothing on her body at Hollister or A&F. I would have spent a lot of time saying no and she would have spent a lot of time upset and pouting. Now that it's "her" money, she's a lot more careful.

 

DD11 has always been thrifty. She goes for the bargains every time. She ends up with way more in quantity because things don't have to be name brand.

 

We also budget for family fun. The kids get a say in how that money is spent each month. Some months they choose movies. Some eating out. They've even learned that afternoon movies and lunch out are a better deal than night time movies and dinner.

 

By letting them have input in the discretionary budget, they are more aware that money only spends once and that each dollar we spend is a choice we are making.

 

Tonight, for example, dd14 and dd11 decided they wanted pizza for dinner. There is frozen pizza in the freezer and I offered to make pizza if they preferred. They wanted delivery. Fine, they paid for it and we all enjoyed it. Their money, their choice.

 

Changing what we say about our money has been huge for us too. We are careful to say, "We choose not to afford that." Rather than "We can't afford that." Making a choice is always preferable, IMO.

[LibraryLover]

We tell our kids all the time we are making certain choices, and to use my father's words "We are not made of money" is a phrase our children accept. They are very reasonable, and don't ask for many material things. They accept when no is no, and they are very good at saving. However, dh and I have chosen for them music, ballet, art, private school (when we were not hsing) college, travel...and all of these things are keeping us from paying off our mortgage in any sort of time frame not mandated by the bank. ;) Thankfully, we do have a 'good' retirement account (which makes me laugh, given the state of the economy), and some company investments (not horrible, fingers crossed).

Edited December 16, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Lady Florida.]

I don't know where you stand financially -- if you're in dire straits and need to save every penny, or you are just trying to be smart with your money.

 

If it's the latter, and you can afford to put some aside for fun stuff, then by all means do it. Sometimes ds complains about our saving and spending habits when I tell him we won't be buying a specific item. But when we do things like buy a Wii for the family, or go away for the weekend, I make sure he knows we can do these things because of other choices we made.

 

It's hard even for older kids to see the abstract (we're trying to be debt free, saving for an emergency, etc.) but they can understand that you can do or buy some things because you chose not to do or buy others.

 

Like others have said, it's all about balance.

[Mejane]

My kids get excited when I buy new sheets for their beds--not because they've had to go without, but because they see getting new things as a treat.

 

Mine, too. :001_smile: People are often amazed that they get excited over something like new pajamas. They're just appreciative of everything because gratitude is something we cultivate.