Grrr. Unwanted advice/comments from busybody neighbor. HELP!

[Sun]

Oh joy. I just got another lovely email from my neighbor offering advice that I neither want nor need. The last email I got from her was about how shy my ds now seems and offered her same-age child as a tutor (!!!!) for my ds's social skills! This new email suggests that I should teach ds the lattice multiplication method.

 

I know this isn't an uncommon problem, so how do you all handle it? I need advice for what to say in an email response and also how to handle them face-to-face (where I also get unwanted advice).

 

Commiseration and your own tales of busybodies butting their noses in where they're not wanted are also welcome!

[....]

Ohhh, yeah. We get those emails and comments, too. :cursing:

 

On that thought, I don't think there is a solution.

[teamturner]

To the email, I would just ignore it and not send a reply. That would be one way of indicating your lack of enthusiasm for the "help."

 

When given in person it's a "pass the bean dip" kind of moment. Change the subject. I don't know how old your ds is, but there are people in this world who are less out going than others. You can't always teach an introvert to be an extrovert. That's just not their personality. Sorry you have to deal with a neighbor like this.

[jujsky]

I'd stop replying to her e-mails. If she reiterates these things in person, you can always say, "Thank you, but we have the situation handled," if you want to be nice, and then move onto another topic quickly. If you want to be snarky and get a dig in, you could turn it around on her. With a big grin say, "I appreciate that! You know, I was thinking you might want to use (insert here) method for (insert subject) since they use such-and-such a method in schools and it's not effective." In the case of her comment on your child's shyness, you could pleasantly say, "That would wonderful if your child could bring him out of his shell a bit! Maybe at the same time my child can teach your child (manners, how not to be a spazz, to not be such an arrogant little puke -- insert whatever the child's malady is)." Of course that's only if you want to be snarky.

[OregonNative]

Here are a few ideas:

 

 

 

Acknowledge that there are many "right" ways to do things, but you have chosen yours for a reason.

 

 

 

"I really appreciate your input, but we need to make our own decisions about what is right for our son. I'll let you know when we need some help.""

 

 

 

Respond by asking your neigbor for advice on a totally different subject. Change the subject with a response such as, "Oh, that reminds me, I've been meaning to ask you ..."

 

 

Simply choose a time when you are calm and say, "By the way, I know you mean well with your advice to me. I like to work out my own solutions, so just know that I appreciate your concern, even though I will not be taking your advice."

 

 

Let her know that some subjects are off limits.

 

 

HTHS:grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I agree with the suggestion to not reply to her email. Also, I think you may want to consider blocking her email address, so her future "helpful ideas" will bounce right back to her as undeliverable.

 

If she says anything to you in person, make it clear that if you want her advice, you will ask for it, but that otherwise, you're perfectly capable of managing your own life and taking care of your own children.

 

And I'm sure you'll say it more nicely than I would... ;)

 

Cat

[OnTheBrink]

Either block her email address or bounce them back to her. If she calls, let her calls go to voice mail and don't return them. When you're on the way to the car and she approaches you, be in a big hurry to get where you're going and don't have time to chat.

 

Or, just tell her flat out that you don't appreciate her unsolicited advice and ask her to please stop.

[JennyD]

Oh joy. I just got another lovely email from my neighbor offering advice that I neither want nor need. The last email I got from her was about how shy my ds now seems and offered her same-age child as a tutor (!!!!) for my ds's social skills! This new email suggests that I should teach ds the lattice multiplication method.

 

I know this isn't an uncommon problem

 

This is completely bizarre to me. Sure, I can see my mom offering unsolicited advice, but a neighbor?! Weird, weird, weird.

 

I would not reply to the email and be pleasant but distant in person.

[RoughCollie]

To the email, I would just ignore it and not send a reply. That would be one way of indicating your lack of enthusiasm for the "help."

 

:iagree:

[Aubrey]

Can you offer to tutor HER w/ her social skills?

[elegantlion]

You gave a neighbor your e-mail? :001_huh:...okay, kidding, kind of.

 

I would ignore the e-mail and I'd probably block her. I'm at the point in my life that I don't want to deal with unnecessary stress.

 

As for face-to-face, I practice blank stares and silence in the bathroom mirror. Perhaps a confused look too. Then a blanket statement that will fly out when needed...like. "I feel quite confident in the person my ds is becoming. Did you hear bean dip is on sale at the local grocery?"

 

or. "Really, I'm surprised you think that's an issue" (if you're feeling bold) "My son is quite fine the way he is."

 

or "My son's personality is really none of your business. I'm quite sure I didn't ask for parenting advice." then give the confused look, while glaring into her eyes, and watching the silence. (that's if you want to be mama bear).

[Catwoman]

Can you offer to tutor HER w/ her social skills?

 

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I have a feeling that would take way too much time and effort! ;)

 

Cat

[Aubrey]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

I have a feeling that would take way too much time and effort! ;)

 

Cat

 

That's ok, maybe she could at least get satisfaction & some spending $. I've been thinking about going back to school for a degree in counseling so that all the advice people call me for & don't take? At least they have to start paying for it! ;)

[Aubrey]

You gave a neighbor your e-mail? :001_huh:...okay, kidding, kind of.

 

I would ignore the e-mail and I'd probably block her. I'm at the point in my life that I don't want to deal with unnecessary stress.

 

At one point, I sent a friend an email asking her to remove me from her mailing list. Now, in her case, it was political propaganda emails, but still, I think labeling the email as unwanted spam could be effective. Hehehe.

 

Otherwise, the delete button (before even opening it) can be effective.

[tex-mex]

Either block her email address or bounce them back to her. If she calls, let her calls go to voice mail and don't return them. When you're on the way to the car and she approaches you, be in a big hurry to get where you're going and don't have time to chat.

 

Or, just tell her flat out that you don't appreciate her unsolicited advice and ask her to please stop.

:iagree: She'll get the message eventually...

[MamaSheep]

"It's so nice to know we have neighbors who care about us! I'm so glad you've found what works for your family. We've found something that works for our family too. Isn't it nice that we live in a place and time where we are all free to live as we choose? I love that we can make different choices and still be good friends. Hugs!"

[silliness7]

Oh joy. I just got another lovely email from my neighbor offering advice that I neither want nor need. The last email I got from her was about how shy my ds now seems and offered her same-age child as a tutor (!!!!) for my ds's social skills! This new email suggests that I should teach ds the lattice multiplication method.

 

I know this isn't an uncommon problem, so how do you all handle it? I need advice for what to say in an email response and also how to handle them face-to-face (where I also get unwanted advice).

 

Commiseration and your own tales of busybodies butting their noses in where they're not wanted are also welcome!

 

 

Offer your child to tutor her on how to keep out of other people's business....also an important social skill. :001_smile:

[silliness7]

Can you offer to tutor HER w/ her social skills?

 

:lol::lol:

 

That's 2 votes for tutoring her.

 

Shoulda read through the responses 1st

[Word Nerd]

There's certainly no shortage of unsolicited parenting advice, but offering to have your child tutor another in social skills is just weird, obnoxious and rude! :confused:

 

I would guess that with someone as blunt and tactless as that, the direct approach might be best. Otherwise she may just think you don't know how to work the the interwebs and need help reading your email.

[Tarreymere]

Gee, all of you are so sweet and nice. Too bad I'm old and grouchy. If I had a neighbor like that I would probably say something along the lines of 'oh, our leader doesn't want us to have a lot of contact with the outside world now that the planets are almost aligned and it is just about time for Osiris to return, but if your dear son/daughter wants to come over on the next full moon when we are doing our tattooing and scarification ritual, that would be lovely' or 'multiplication? we don't believe in THAT sort of thing in OUR house'.

:grouphug:

[treestarfae]

I wouldn't get that worked up about it. It's another person's opinion and people are entitled to them. I have opinions about neighborhood kids as well. I don't actively comment about what I think because it's better off I don't. Being called shy isn't that bad. Being called creepy, drugged or mean is way worse. I wouldn't burn a bridge with your neighbor. Maybe she can offer a decent friendship.

[fairfarmhand]

delete them. Hopefully she will get the idea.

 

If she brings them up say "I'm not interested in that."

[OregonNative]

 

Can you offer to tutor HER w/ her social skills?

:lol::lol:

[OregonNative]

Gee, all of you are so sweet and nice. Too bad I'm old and grouchy. If I had a neighbor like that I would probably say something along the lines of 'oh, our leader doesn't want us to have a lot of contact with the outside world now that the planets are almost aligned and it is just about time for Osiris to return, but if your dear son/daughter wants to come over on the next full moon when we are doing our tattooing and scarification ritual, that would be lovely' or 'multiplication? we don't believe in THAT sort of thing in OUR house'.

:grouphug:

 

Love this!!

[shinyhappypeople]

She's probably clueless but well-intentioned. Assume the best and move on. "Thanks for your concern. We've got the situation covered." Friendly smile. Rinse and repeat. I would fight the temptation to be rude as that's not who you are. Be your best self :)

 

Besides, haven't we all said or done something foolish from time to time? I prefer it when people respond to my social faux pas (or just plain dumb statements) with kindness and grace.

[Margo out of lurking]

Oh joy. I just got another lovely email from my neighbor offering advice that I neither want nor need. The last email I got from her was about how shy my ds now seems and offered her same-age child as a tutor (!!!!) for my ds's social skills! This new email suggests that I should teach ds the lattice multiplication method.

 

I know this isn't an uncommon problem, so how do you all handle it? I need advice for what to say in an email response and also how to handle them face-to-face (where I also get unwanted advice).

 

Commiseration and your own tales of busybodies butting their noses in where they're not wanted are also welcome!

 

I'd block her email address completely. If she asked me in person, I'd say, "Oh, I never even saw it! My in box gets a bit full sometimes!"

 

Otherwise, I'd tell her, "Thanks, but I really have my own support for homeschooling." If I were snarky and could keep a straight face, I'd add, "On the other hand, if your son has any problems with his school work, please give me a call, and I'll offer suggestions on how to help him out."

 

My single biggest problem has been my dad. He lives 2500 miles away and sees my kids once a year. He knows nothing about homeschooling, nothing about public school, and frankly, he knows darn little about parenting and didn't do such a bang up job with that. If I was going to take advice, it wouldn't be from him. :( Earlier this year, I told him I would no longer have any discussion regarding schooling with him again, period.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I once had a neighbor who thought my dd12 (then 9) was in need of medication because he runs around and plays outside and has a loud voice (ummmm...he's a boy playing with his friends, outside.:glare:). She also told me that she was convinced my dd14 (then 11) had been sexually abused because she was shy.:001_huh:

 

Ummm...yeah, when she moved, I was totally relieved.

 

I told her straight out that I didn't appreciate her comments, she didn't know anything about our family, and her interference wasn't welcome. That's the best way to handle that situation. Being kind, not gonna cut it.

[KatieH]

I'd ignore it, and if she brings it up again, say "We're not interested." Short and sweet.

[Murphy101]

Either block her email address or bounce them back to her. If she calls, let her calls go to voice mail and don't return them. When you're on the way to the car and she approaches you, be in a big hurry to get where you're going and don't have time to chat.

 

Or, just tell her flat out that you don't appreciate her unsolicited advice and ask her to please stop.

 

 

Yep.. Exactly. Ignore and move on. Quickly.

 

Wouldn't let it bother me other than to laugh over a glass of wine.

[Sun]

She's probably clueless but well-intentioned. Assume the best and move on. "Thanks for your concern. We've got the situation covered." Friendly smile. Rinse and repeat. I would fight the temptation to be rude as that's not who you are. Be your best self :)

 

Besides, haven't we all said or done something foolish from time to time? I prefer it when people respond to my social faux pas (or just plain dumb statements) with kindness and grace.

 

Yeah, I know, and this is what I'll try to do (though some of the other comments had me laughing out loud). I won't say anything snide or catty, much as I want to!

[Laurie4b]

Can you offer to tutor HER w/ her social skills?

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Although you might actually tutor her via return email.

 

Normal people do not send emails to their neighbors offering unsolicited parenting advice when the children are not affecting them. (It would be different if there was a conflict ,for instance.)

 

I think she is probably thinking that she is sort of "slipping it by" that she thinks you need help as a parent.

 

I think I would be inclined to reply honestly and clearly if you want to stop the problem:

 

Neighbor,

 

When you send emails suggesting tutoring for my daughter and lattice multiplication for my son, the implication that you don't agree with my decisions as a parent is clear. Families are different and have different values. I am confident that knowing your children as well as you do that you are making the best choices for them. I would not dream of correcting your choices because I don't know your children well enough to presume that I have better information than you and we probably have some different values. Please show me the same respect.

[kalanamak]

This is completely bizarre to me. Sure, I can see my mom offering unsolicited advice, but a neighbor?! Weird, weird, weird.

 

I would not reply to the email and be pleasant but distant in person.

 

:iagree:, but it isn't that bizarre to me. She is bored and lonely.

[Matryoshka]

Oh joy. I just got another lovely email from my neighbor offering advice that I neither want nor need. The last email I got from her was about how shy my ds now seems and offered her same-age child as a tutor (!!!!) for my ds's social skills! This new email suggests that I should teach ds the lattice multiplication method.

 

Yeesh! Isn't there a way you can block someone's email? If she notices you could say you're having ISP troubles or some such... darn. :tongue_smilie: Then you don't even have to even read the subject line or hit the delete button! :D

[Sun]

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Although you might actually tutor her via return email.

 

Normal people do not send emails to their neighbors offering unsolicited parenting advice when the children are not affecting them. (It would be different if there was a conflict ,for instance.)

 

I think she is probably thinking that she is sort of "slipping it by" that she thinks you need help as a parent.

 

I think I would be inclined to reply honestly and clearly if you want to stop the problem:

 

Neighbor,

 

When you send emails suggesting tutoring for my daughter and lattice multiplication for my son, the implication that you don't agree with my decisions as a parent is clear. Families are different and have different values. I am confident that knowing your children as well as you do that you are making the best choices for them. I would not dream of correcting your choices because I don't know your children well enough to presume that I have better information than you and we probably have some different values. Please show me the same respect.

 

You have just summed up exactly what bugs me about it. It's the judgment behind it that is driving me nuts, when I know I should just be laughing it off over a glass of wine.