different question about going away to college

[Denisemomof4]

I notice many of you went far away to get away from home. Others have kids with friends who want to get away from home. Is it to spread their wings and fly? Gain independence? Or is it that their life at home is hell?

 

I saw this coming up a lot and it concerned me.

 

I know my ds wants a Boston experience, even though other colleges could do the same for cheaper. He has always wanted Boston. And I know he doesn't want to stay home another year (he's home and going local this year, he and his gf plan to transfer next. And honestly, staying home another year isn't an option anyway as it's time for him to leave the nest and learn all about life on his own.) I told him he could move outside of Boston when he graduates instead of going to college there. Of course at 18, almost 19, he knows more than I do and doesn't want my input.:glare: I tell him I don't know how school in Boston will ever get paid for.

 

ETA: I can understand the attraction to city life for him. He's grown up in a very small country town and we live on a very rural, one lane dirt road. Still, the tuition costs.................:svengo:

Edited December 7, 2010 by Denisemomof4

[Lolly]

Don't have a clue. My eldest says she never wants to leave. Me, I kind of like her and don't really care if she does stay home. :D

[elfgivas]

for our oldest two, it was because it was time for them to be on their own. one moved six hours away, and yes, another school would have been cheaper, but it has opened doors for her that other schools wouldn't have. second dd moved two hours away but is now six hours away. the subculture is much better where she is now. but its important for them to be clear about the financial implications of what they are choosing, and that's a hard one for them to comprehend.

 

good luck!

ann

[LibraryLover]

I misunderstood the question. lol If there is no money, there is no money. He can try for financial aid, but that's no guarantee of free money.

 

Does he have a great engineering major in mind...he could go to Northeastern and do their coop program, so he could also be earning money.

 

Or does he want to go to Harvard at 53k a year and be a history major?

 

Boston is one of the great college campuses.

 

Maybe he can get a job and find an apartment to share with 4 or 5 other people? ;) That's what we did at 20.

Edited December 7, 2010 by LibraryLover

[fairfarmhand]

I notice many of you went far away to get away from home. Others have kids with friends who want to get away from home. Is it to spread their wings and fly? Gain independence? Or is it that their life at home is hell?

 

I saw this coming up a lot and it concerned me.

 

I know my ds wants a Boston experience, even though other colleges could do the same for cheaper. He has always wanted Boston. And I know he doesn't want to stay home another year (he's home and going local this year, he and his gf plan to transfer next. And honestly, staying home another year isn't an option anyway as it's time for him to leave the nest and learn all about life on his own.) I told him he could move outside of Boston when he graduates instead of going to college there. Of course at 18, almost 19, he knows more than I do and doesn't want my input.:glare: I tell him I don't know how school in Boston will ever get paid for.

 

ETA: I can understand the attraction to city life for him. He's grown up in a very small country town and we live on a very rural, one lane dirt road. Still, the tuition costs.................:svengo:

 

 

my brother was like this; he did the "city" for awhile and now he would never want to do it. He will likely find out that while there are things he loves about it, there will also be negatives to offset them. No place is without its warts.

 

For my kids, they can live at home and have mom and dad help with their expenses or move out and take care of it themselves. If they are living on my dime, I will be interested in what they are doing with their lives. I refuse to pay for my kids to participate in a "quasi" adult hood, where they have all the independence but none of the responsibility. If you want to be an adult, then that requires you pay your way IMHO.

Edited December 7, 2010 by fairfarmhand

[Truscifi]

I didn't actually go 'away' to college, my school was only 30 minutes from my parents' home, but I chose to live on campus despite the extra cost because I felt I needed the independence.

[jld]

I would give him Debt Free U, by Zac Bissonnette, to read. If he still wants to do it after all that info, then hey, at least he's been warned.

 

Good luck with this.

[LibraryLover]

I misunderstood the question and edited my post.

 

Is he any good at babysitting?

 

I know a guy who lived in a small apartment in a large home in Back Bay. In return for free rent and a salary, he took two little boys to their music and other programing after school, gave them dinner, helped with homework etc. He was able to work out his classes. He was actually a grad student, come to think of it. Ths is not for everyone, obviously.

[Mandy in TN]

I notice many of you went far away to get away from home. Others have kids with friends who want to get away from home. Is it to spread their wings and fly? Gain independence? Or is it that their life at home is hell?

After homeschooling high school I wanted ds to go to a small college with small classes and a pretty good retention rate. I didn't feel like a large public university where he wasn't known by name and with instructors who didn't know or care if he showed up was going to be a good fit for him. Sure, he and I both felt like he needed independence, but mostly it was about finding the fit that would offer the best chance for his success.

 

We looked at schools within a 6 hour drive from our home. They had to be small, have at least a 70% retention rate, have no religious requirements for application or graduation, and have all male freshman residence halls. There were not many options.

 

However, the deciding factor was tuition. Berea College offers tuition scholarships and laptops to every admitted student. With ds's financial aid package Berea is essentially free. Although it is over 4 hours away, it is a better fit and isn't costing any more than going to MTSU.

 

Just how it worked for us-

Mandy

[Wheres Toto]

I grew up in a very overprotective household and wanted to go away to school to escape. I went to Texas from NJ. It was very hard - couldn't afford to come home except for winter break and summer, and the adjustment was very difficult. I ended up returning home for good after 3 semesters.

 

My oldest wants to go to NYU. We live close enough for her to commute if financially necessary. She's pretty independent and responsible already so I'm not concerned about kicking her out so she "grows up". Having struggled to pay for school and taking years to finish, I'd rather she make wise financial decisions that will allow her to finish as quickly as possible, rather than having to take breaks to work full time, and not finish up with too much debt.

 

Maybe if we lived in a lower cost-of-living area it would be different but even a one bedroom apartment in a safe area is over $1000/month. It's hard to make enough to cover that, living expenses and school expenses on a part-time job. If she choses to go to an in-state public university (of which there are many good ones) she has a better chance of living on campus.

[Retired]

I notice many of you went far away to get away from home. Others have kids with friends who want to get away from home. Is it to spread their wings and fly? Gain independence? Or is it that their life at home is hell?

 

I saw this coming up a lot and it concerned me.

 

I know my ds wants a Boston experience, even though other colleges could do the same for cheaper. He has always wanted Boston. And I know he doesn't want to stay home another year (he's home and going local this year, he and his gf plan to transfer next. And honestly, staying home another year isn't an option anyway as it's time for him to leave the nest and learn all about life on his own.) I told him he could move outside of Boston when he graduates instead of going to college there. Of course at 18, almost 19, he knows more than I do and doesn't want my input.:glare: I tell him I don't know how school in Boston will ever get paid for.

 

ETA: I can understand the attraction to city life for him. He's grown up in a very small country town and we live on a very rural, one lane dirt road. Still, the tuition costs.................:svengo:

 

my 17 year old doesn't want away from me but he really wants to attend "the best music school" and its in LA. We live in rural Alabama and he does have street smarts, we spend a lot of time in urban areas but he is not ready for LA. He is use to Alabama where everyone is talkative, friendly, and we don't lock doors. He would be a target in LA.

 

We are encouraging him to attend a music school in Atlanta. I know Atlanta has the same issue as LA but we are only 1 1/2 hours away. He would have a support system.

 

Have any of you sent your kids to the other side of the country.

 

I about have him about convinced to attend local for a couple of years then think about LA.

 

BUT he has a full scholarship for the fall of 2011. He applied on his own and even had a on-line (Skyp) type interview. He did the whole thing on his own and I am proud of his maturity. But he really hasn't thought about food, rent, transportation and the other stuff we take care of for him. He is really in dream land right now

 

So he thinks we are to protective and don't want him to grow up:banghead:

 

He will be 18 in October of 2011, He said he could just leave because this is his dream. He doesn't want to hurt me but he just really wants to play music

I support his dream but I think it can be accomplished on the east coast until he is older;)

 

Parenting a young adult is so HARD

[hsbaby]

I went to a local university, but had many friends move away for college. I can think of only a few instances where they did so for academic reasons. Most went for fun. The excitement of living on campus, doing as you please, etc. None of my close friends came from bad homes or had over-protective parents they were trying to escape from. They just wanted that "college" experience.....which for most meant sororities, parties, etc.

[angela in ohio]

I left the day I started college and never went home, but it was because life at home was bad then. I wish it had been a good environment, and I could have stayed at home and had guidance while I made the transition to college and "real life."

[DawnM]

Well, since I grew up in Africa and there wasn't any place for me to go to college where they lived, I went 15,000 miles away to go to college! :D

[WeeBeaks]

I grew up on a very bad environment. My guardians at the time refused to help at all for college, but I took a job immediately after high school and moved out (age 17). My job offered me a transfer to another state, which I took to completely leave the area. I then slowly started paying for school myself.

 

My DH stayed in the same city for college but lived on campus rather than at home. He had scholarships.

[Amy loves Bud]

(he's home and going local this year, he and his gf plan to transfer next. And honestly, staying home another year isn't an option anyway as it's time for him to leave the nest and learn all about life on his own.)

 

ETA: I can understand the attraction to city life for him. He's grown up in a very small country town and we live on a very rural, one lane dirt road. Still, the tuition costs.................:svengo:

 

 

I guess, if your son were mine (and I am well aware he is not, so take this for what it's worth), I would have a good heart to heart with him about numbers, and if you would be paying for part of this adventure, I would make HIM do the research regarding all the costs of living in Boston. And I wouldn't pay my part until he could show he had a good plan in place to cover the other expenses.

 

I had a pretty good home life. I was just ready to live my own life at that point. I actually regret that I didn't go further away and to a larger city than I did, and that I didn't travel more at that age.

 

I look back at the college years and wish I had taken advantage of the freedom I had. I wish I had exposed myself to people who came from a totally different life than I did (I grew up in Central Texas and went to school in Central Texas, 2 hours from home). But my parents were elderly and afraid to let go and I let that affect my decisions, even though I was footing my own bill.

 

If my children reach that age and want to go far away, to a large city or whatever for college, I will support that decision, if they have shown themselves to be responsible with their decision making up to that point. They probably won't get any more financial help from us than they would if they chose a closer state u, but we will contribute that much.

 

So they'll be poor. Everyone in college is poor - it's part of the experience and it's a good life lesson.

 

I won't lie, it would make me very sad for them to be far away, but I am already excited thinking about the things they could possibly do during that time of their lives.

 

I hope y'all come to terms with a plan that makes everyone happy, or at least not unhappy!

[AngieW in Texas]

My dh's family lived in Texas. He wanted to go to school as far away from home as possible, so despite getting a full-ride scholarship from Rice University (in Texas, a 4-hour drive away from his home), he went to RPI in New York. He only lasted 1.5 semesters. He ended up transferring to UNT in Denton, 15 minutes from home.

 

I also went to UNT (that's where we met). It was just 1 hour from my home. I knew I didn't want to leave Texas and I also knew that I didn't want a megalithic school like UT Austin. I wanted to live in a smaller city than Dallas.

 

My oldest is going to UT Dallas next year. She's excited to move from a suburb of Austin to a suburb of Dallas. She wants to be near the city. She'll be about 3.5-4 hours from home (depending on traffic, although it took dh 9 hours to make that same drive on the Sunday after Thanksgiving because the traffic was horrendous).

 

UT Dallas would be a good fit for my middle dd too, but I'm not sure she'd handle being that far from home. I'm looking into closer schools for her. None of the closer schools are as good of a fit for my dd as UTD though.

[creekland]

I notice many of you went far away to get away from home. Others have kids with friends who want to get away from home. Is it to spread their wings and fly? Gain independence? Or is it that their life at home is hell?

 

I saw this coming up a lot and it concerned me.

 

I know my ds wants a Boston experience, even though other colleges could do the same for cheaper. He has always wanted Boston. And I know he doesn't want to stay home another year (he's home and going local this year, he and his gf plan to transfer next. And honestly, staying home another year isn't an option anyway as it's time for him to leave the nest and learn all about life on his own.) I told him he could move outside of Boston when he graduates instead of going to college there. Of course at 18, almost 19, he knows more than I do and doesn't want my input.:glare: I tell him I don't know how school in Boston will ever get paid for.

 

ETA: I can understand the attraction to city life for him. He's grown up in a very small country town and we live on a very rural, one lane dirt road. Still, the tuition costs.................:svengo:

 

"I" went away to school because my parents had been in the process of a messy divorce and the aftermath since I was a 5th grader. I couldn't wait to get away and I loved EVERY SINGLE minute of it - even the "less than stellar" aspects. I had great friends and even met hubby there (still happily married 22+ years later).

 

I want my boys to go away because both hubby and I loved our experiences so much. We've conditioned them for "life." We're carefully researching college options based on their desired goals and our finances. So far, my oldest is loving it and my other two can't wait for their chance to go. If they didn't have the personality to go, I might reconsider, but to me, it's the best 4 years of life (overall - not necessarily specifically as I enjoyed my wedding, births of our children, etc). I guess I consider it the best 4 years because one is "free" but also free of many responsibilities that come with adulthood.

 

For what it's worth, I only went to one party, never joined a sorority, never had s_x there and still had plenty of similar minded friends who I had fun with as well as enjoying the company of others who were different minded. A bit is in the crowd you seek as well as getting a nice roomie. Being an optimist and not a complainer (personality wise) probably helps too.

[KidsHappen]

My 17 year old and her fiance' want to go to Boston too. I have decided to let them figure out for themselves that they can't afford it. I do feel for them though. I would love to live in Boston myself but I can't afford it either and even if I could I just don't know that I could justify living there when there are so many other places that are cheaper. I am pretty lucky right now in that all of my children live within driving distance and I can see them on a pretty regular basis.

[Karen in CO]

I went away to college because I had to. There was not a university at all within 3 hours of my home.

 

My ds went away because he wanted to learn Japanese. He interviewed a few colleges with Japanese majors, but nothing compared to actually living in Japan.

 

My middle dd wants to go to Italy for college to study art history or the Air Force Academy so she can eventually be an astronaut. One of those choices is far way, the other is amazingly close.

 

My youngest has already picked out her major and her university. She'll be studying wildlife biology at a university in CO.

 

Distance really has had nothing to do with our choices.

[RanchGirl]

I'm not totally sure I understand the question (sorry Denise!!) but I kind of went away to school, only about an hour. I really wish now that I had gone further away, gone to a better college and been more independent. My parents didn't help me or push me and I was LAZY as far as pursuing my options.

 

I can not imagine my kids not going off to college or something else far away and independent. I would not assume it means they hate their life here, but that their time here is over and it's a new season.... (in case that is what you're getting at).

 

I will definitely have plane tickets home for holidays and for me to visit them for a weekend or two in the budget. Dh and I are pretty close with our boys and we will miss them dearly, but I think it's a good time to try out being on their own and see what's out there in the world. I really wish I had done so before getting married.

[piraterose]

There were several reasons I jumped at the chance to do the traditional go away to college deal.

 

1. My parents were overprotective and what you all call tomato stalking (still are). From my experience when coming home for winter or summer breaks - I was expected to follow the same rules I had in high school (curfew, expected to attend all family activities as long as they didn't conflict with work, arguments over clothes (not what you're thinking - I preferred NOT to wear make-up and short skirts - my mother felt different.) They talked to me like I was 12-15. I couldn't have imagined staying home.

 

If I had stayed home, my parents would not allowed me to gain the independence skills I learned at college - and later in NYC when I did an internship for the first semester of my senior year! Now THAT was a lesson in independence!

 

2. Because of that type of environment (and a miserable school environment/bullying) - from 4th-5th grade I loved books about boarding schools - Canby Hall series, The Secret Language, The Mystifying Twins, The Little Princess... etc.....

 

I loved the "idea" of the traditional college experience and luckily overall I was not disappointed.

 

My college was only 45 minutes away from home originally, but I lived on campus and only came home once or twice a semester. I went to a wonderful private liberal arts college. When my parents moved out of state after my freshman year, they asked if I wanted to transfer to a school in their new state and I was "NO THANKS!"

 

I needed a small private college - I would have gotten lost a community college or bigger university where students are more transient and spread out. The smallness of the college and being in a dorm surrounded by other students, creating our own support system was exactly what I needed.

 

Also I know this is not necessarily "true" but most of the people I have known that did stay at home or didn't live on campus, never finished school - my husband included. I was at school to focus on school, and the fun was icing on the cake.

 

I want that for my daughter - I'm not ashamed to admit one of the first "big" words I taught my daughter was "dormitory". If it's not in the cards for her - or not her thing, then so be it, but I will offer it to her.

Edited December 7, 2010 by piraterose

[Tap]

I think it has more to do with personality than anything (other than an abusive home life).

 

Some kids are just ready to be on thier own sooner. They are ready to have the responsibility and they feel 'led' to someplace other than home. They pick a place that seems to offer the life they think they want. I think it is important for kids to have these experiences, but I don't think the parent has to financially support the idea. If, at 18, the teen thinks they know best for themselves, then that is great and I would send that teen away with my blessings...but I am not going to turn "I'll pay $10,000 yr for college into $50,000" just because they want to experience Boston. There are a lot of places that I would love to experience for $50,000!!!!

 

I think a parent has to decide what their goal is for educating a college student. If that includes 'life experience' too, then you have to decide how much you are willing to contribute to both parts of the package. Using an analogy of buying your kid a new car. You may be adamant you want an automatic, but how much are you willing to pay for the bells and whistles? do you want the leather? Upgraded Stereo? GPS? I would be inclined to tell my child I will pay for xyz features, if you want the upgrades....you can pick them, but you also have to pay for them yourself.

 

I see nothing wrong telling a teen, I will pay $10,000 per year towards each of your first 4 years of college. If you choose well, get scholarships, live at home....I will use the excess $$ towards a car for you, insurance etc. If you choose to leave the area.....it is still $10,000. You have to figure out the rest.

Edited December 8, 2010 by Tap, tap, tap

[Hannah C.]

My dh was actually told by his older sisters that he needed to move away in order to gain independence. I can't remember if his parents agreed or not, but they would not have been averse to it. Long story short, he married me instead of moving away. :D

 

I was blessed with parents who were quite hands-off -- school was my responsibility, they trusted me not to do stupid things (and I only did something really stupid once), and so I had a lot of freedom in making choices. I had friends in high school whose parents were rather the opposite, and as a result they couldn't wait to get as far away from home as possible so that their parents' hovering would be minimized by distance. Still others chose to go to schools far away from home because of the school, not because of any dynamics such as this.

[....]

I notice many of you went far away to get away from home. Others have kids with friends who want to get away from home. Is it to spread their wings and fly? Gain independence? Or is it that their life at home is hell?

 

I replied in the other thread that I left home at 17 - never to return (in a scary voice). It was a quality of life issue. :glare: I would've lived in my car before I stayed another day in that house.

 

There are ways to go to college and not have a gigantic college debt (someone should get in a time machine, go back in time and tell my husband that)! I went to a university for 4 years with free tuition. I served in the military - FREE tuition for me for 4 years. My sister is a Nurse - free tuition for her. One of my friends went to a school called College of the Ozarks - they're tuition-free, but it's a work-study school. But, hey! No college debt! :) Also, my husband is finishing up an MBA that he did not pay a dime for - his employer paid for it.

 

My oldest is 9, but I'm already starting to mull this over in my mind, too. My kids are going to college or getting a skilled trade- no choice about that. But, I want to make sure they do it without getting into a lot of student loan debt.