"Anti-social" moms & play dates?

[Cherryanne]

For the most part I LOVE homeschooling. The biggest issue I have had has been keeping up with play dates. I'm what most people would probably consider anti-social (although I'm fine once I'm in the situation) and it just seems so hard orchestrating play dates sometimes. I should mention that I probably have some form of social anxiety. When we invite people over to our house I feel like everything has to be perfect and I tend to drive myself crazy over it. Part of the problem for me is that homeschoolers in our area tend to do playdates as a family which means not only do I feel responsible for entertaining my son's friend(s) but I also feel responsible for entertaining their mother and any younger siblings. When I was my son's age I could never have imagined my mother coming to my friend's houses with me. Granted, I would never allow my son to go to people's houses I didn't know fairly well (which was something my mother allowed me to do) but once we know people is it really necessary to do group play dates every time? I don't mind family play dates sometimes but again, every time? Is this common practice everywhere? I think the situation is especially difficult right now because my daughter is going through some serious terrible threes. Because of this, I'm usually too distracted to get much out of socializing with the other mother. My son also doesn't have the usual neighborhood friends because we're living in a foreign country at the moment. I'm hoping he will at least have some kids in the neighborhood to play with when we move next year. I guess I'm just wondering if there are any other "anti-social" moms out there who struggle with play dates and if there are, how they deal with them. This place has already been a wealth of information for me in the short time I've been here so I'm really hoping someone can help.

[tonersl]

:bigear::bigear:

You summed up beautifully what I am thinking and feeling also. I will keep listening.

Shannon in NC

[Mejane]

I think eight is old enough to have a playdate without Mom sticking around. If the parents feel comfortable with you, why not just have the friend over for a few hours alone? As well, if you feel comfortable leaving your son, he's old enough to play without you there. Are there parks or other places you could meet as families where you would not feel the need to act as hostess? That would take some of the pressure off of you.

 

I understand how you feel. I'm anti-social, too, and always hated those types of playdates.

[Whereneverever]

It's family play dates, here, too- so I feel your pain. :glare:

[Cherryanne]

I'm already feeling a huge sense of relief from reading your responses! It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this!

 

I try to schedule play dates outside of the house as often as I can but we just got our first snow a couple weeks ago and unfortunately have a lot less options for meeting places until it warms up.

[Guest]

Raising hand! I tend to be on the anti-social side!

 

I actually prefer family-type gatherings, though, because I *greatly dislike* dealing with other people's kids, whether it is discipline or attitudes or what not. I am sure being in a different country adds to the difficulty of it all, though. :grouphug:

[Mejane]

I'm already feeling a huge sense of relief from reading your responses! It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this!

 

 

 

Great. Now start a new trend in your community - playdates sans moms! There are probably other moms who feel the same way you do, but are afraid to say so. :)

[Unicorn.]

Great. Now start a new trend in your community - playdates sans moms! There are probably other moms who feel the same way you do, but are afraid to say so. :)

 

:iagree: Just call them up and when you ask if Johnny can come over, offer to come and pick him up. That way, you are letting the other mom know it's only for the one kid, not the whole family.

[LibraryLover]

Our playgroups are also 'family' ones, but usually involve something. We've had canning veggies playgroups, baking playgroups, knitting ones, drumming ones...gives a person something to do if they aren't that interested in chat.

Edited December 7, 2010 by LibraryLover

[grace'smom]

It's family play dates, here, too- so I feel your pain. :glare:

 

:iagree:It normally takes me years to make a friend - putting it on fast forward so my child can have playdates is extraordinarily taxing for someone who is introverted at heart.

[Penelope]

I'm guessing your kid is right at the age where this will stop soon. It starts to get pretty awkward when a mom feels the need to go everywhere with a 9 or 10 yo child.

 

You could phrase it like " We would love to take Rex to the park with us so the kids could play; we could drop him back at your house at 2".

[Denisemomof4]

yes, most of our play has always included me, even when I taught my boys at home. At this point in my life, though, I've decided that I do enough for my kids, and sitting through a playdate with a really nasty/negative/whining mom is something I won't do anymore. If I'm not friends with the mom, and have no desire to be, I won't do it anymore. Period. So both my girls lost one friend last year. The mom was just too nasty for me to tolerate any longer.

 

I have a few friends where I'll drop dd11 off and her friend comes here, but since I'm friends with all her friend's moms, we usually take that opportunity to chat while the kids spend time together.

 

My youngest only has two play days per month and I absolutely can NEVER leave her. It will never be an option with her. Although she's no toddler, I am never able to fully relax and enjoy myself when she's around because I always have to make sure she's not misbehaving in some way. She has issues.

[i.love.lucy]

I am usually wishing and hoping for the "kid only" invite. Running errands is much easier with just one kiddo! I can only imagine those of you with many kids!

 

I second the suggestion of just inviting Johnny and offering to pick him up. The mom should get the idea. You can always say you'd like your son and friend to be able to play together while you work on a special project with your little one. The mom should get it that the playdate for the kid is the priority and you don't necessarily want to sit and chit chat the whole time, you have other things you can be doing while they play. I'm always surprised other moms don't get this. I've had moms be SO grateful when I've watched their kids for an afternoon so they could go to a doctors appointment or something and I'm like "huh?" Don't you get that the kids played all afternoon and I had nothing to do with them!:tongue_smilie: They babysat each other and I got to clean my kitchen and check my email!!!:D

[Cherryanne]

Thanks everyone! I think I need to just get up the courage to ask someone. I appreciate the examples of how to go about doing that. I'm always so worried the mother is going to be offended if I don't invite everyone over.

 

I actually prefer family-type gatherings, though, because I *greatly dislike* dealing with other people's kids, whether it is discipline or attitudes or what not.

 

 

I hadn't even thought about that! Maybe I'll be on here asking for advice about dealing with other people's kids in a couple of months. :tongue_smilie:

 

It normally takes me years to make a friend - putting it on fast forward so my child can have playdates is extraordinarily taxing for someone who is introverted at heart.

 

 

:iagree:What do you do about it?

 

I'm guessing your kid is right at the age where this will stop soon. It starts to get pretty awkward when a mom feels the need to go everywhere with a 9 or 10 yo child.

 

 

This gives me hope!

 

 

Another option is to try to find a homeschool group. Yes' date=' I realize that means being around even more people, but at least that way you can kind of just sit off to the side and people don't seem to notice. Or you may find someone you feel comfortable with. Or not. In our group there are women who just sit there and don't talk to anyone. I understand that so I don't think anything of it. I do try to talk to people, which is exhausting to me, but I sometimes find someone I click with.

[/quote']

 

I think this is part of our problem. There are only two homeschool groups here and they are both extreme opposites. We fall somewhere in the middle so unfortunately we have been left group-less. :glare:

[grace'smom]

CherryAnne- I don't know how to quote your quote to me, LOL. Right now I'm very, very lucky because my daughter has made friends with some kids in the neighborhood. Everyone usually congregates in our front yard. We are also lucky that all these children are very sweet and well behaved. So I don't have to talk to any moms and they're all happy anyway because I let their kids play after school. I actually try NOT to talk to the moms too much because I am sure I would put my foot in my mouth somehow. I don't want to ruin a good thing, KWIM? We're already the "weird homeschooling family," LOL.

 

So right now I am enjoying a welcome respite from "playdates," and I am hoping that the neighborhood kids and co op activities are going to be enough social time for my daughter. She's an extroverted-introvert: she really wants to be around other people but she can't handle it for extended periods. So we have a good balance going right now. Thank God! I don't know if I could handle anymore playdates in our first homeschool year. It's such a big adjustment as it is...

[Parrothead]

Have your son call and ask his friend if he can come over and play. At 8 he is old enough to do this on his own. He really is kind of old for you to call his mom and set up a play date.

[tex-mex]

I went thru this too -- but I found being in charge of a playdate makes it easier -- I would open up our home to others. Make it a cooking party, art class, tye-dye party, water rocket mania on a hot summer day, exploding film cannisters with alka-seltzer or dry ice outside, etc. I have an only (special needs) child and early homeschooling was like this. I also am anxious and prone to being anti-social. But for the sake of my Aspie son -- I had to grit my teeth and just do it.

 

As a result of the organized playdates, you will find others you like. Get to know them. Once you feel comfortable, invite them to the park or go feed ducks one day. We would start off not going directly to the person's home, but do things together in a public setting. Then, we'd go to their house (after we feel comfy and trust is made) and do a playdate for a few hours. I'd do the same as the Mom trusted me and needed a break. With my son, it was video game time when friends came over. (E rated -- and the parents loved video games too.) HTH

[tex-mex]

yes, most of our play has always included me, even when I taught my boys at home. At this point in my life, though, I've decided that I do enough for my kids, and sitting through a playdate with a really nasty/negative/whining mom is something I won't do anymore. If I'm not friends with the mom, and have no desire to be, I won't do it anymore. Period. So both my girls lost one friend last year. The mom was just too nasty for me to tolerate any longer.

 

 

Oooh. That happened to us too. One time I hosted a video game and pizza party -- had 4 kids over. By then, the trust was made and all of the parents (except one) dropped off the kids and did errands. One parent stayed -- no big deal -- and we chatted at the kitchen table while the kids were in the great room (open area) playing on the big screen with snacks in the kitchen.

 

The kids had a blast. I liked her dd and she was a great kid. But Mom was a "pill" and did nothing but say depressing inappropriate stuff (within earshot of the kids) and complain. OMG. I finally couldn't take it knowing she'd hang out at my house if I invited her dd. So they (politely) were uninvited for our next playdate. We still saw the dd & mom at our Homeschool's drama club and 4H -- and things like Homeschool BUNCO night. It was just awkward. :confused:

Edited December 7, 2010 by tex-mex

[RanchGirl]

Have your son call and ask his friend if he can come over and play. At 8 he is old enough to do this on his own. He really is kind of old for you to call his mom and set up a play date.

 

:iagree: As long as the mom knows you, it shouldn't be a problem and may be quite welcome for Mom to have some time minus one kid! Typically at 8 we found that the kids called and then the Moms ended up talking on the phone to coordinate details/transportation.

 

ETA.... I don't think it's anti-social to want the kids to play without the moms/whole families getting involved... usually my kids' playdates were without parents once they got past 6 or so. But I would also encourage you to get over the perfect house/life image thing... it's ok to be real; people realize your house is lived in, not a model home.... just suggesting you don't miss out on an opportunity for a good friendship because you can't let anyone past the front door should they happen to pop over, or if they are hanging out and you are too stressed out to relax and be yourself! :)

Edited December 7, 2010 by RanchGirl

[Ellie]

Well, I didn't do "play dates" for my dc. They played with the few dc in the neighborhood, they went to monthly park day, and sometimes--never more than once a month, and never on a regular basis--we all went over to someone's house, where we adults talked together and *all* the children played.

 

If any dc came to our house, I did not entertain them. Ever. It's their job to entertain themselves.

 

I don't know if that makes me antisocial or not; if so, I'm good with it. :D

[Cherryanne]

Right now I'm very' date=' very lucky because my daughter has made friends with some kids in the neighborhood. Everyone usually congregates in our front yard.

[/quote']

 

This is what I'm hoping for someday! I loved playing outside with the kids from my neighborhood when I was his age. I feel so bad for him missing out on that here.

 

I had to grit my teeth and just do it.

 

 

I think that's what I need to do for the rest of our time here. We only have about 8 months left and I'm REALLY hoping the move is a positive change for us.

 

ETA.... I don't think it's anti-social to want the kids to play without the moms/whole families getting involved... usually my kids' playdates were without parents once they got past 6 or so. But I would also encourage you to get over the perfect house/life image thing... it's ok to be real; people realize your house is lived in, not a model home.... just suggesting you don't miss out on an opportunity for a good friendship because you can't let anyone past the front door should they happen to pop over, or if they are hanging out and you are too stressed out to relax and be yourself! :)

 

 

Thank you! I needed to hear this! I don't know why I freak out about the house so much. I really need to learn how to relax and realize that anyone who would judge me about my house being lived in isn't someone I would want to associate with anyway.