Training your children to ask for help

[choirfarm]

I think one skill we need to work on with our children is the ability to recognize when you need help with a subject. LeTourneau University said that is one common problem they have with homeschoolers. There is TONS of tutoring both group and individual available, but they will not often admit that they need it and so they flunk a class or two and the parents have no idea until the grades come at Christmas. I know that when I went to college, I had absolutely no idea that you could go to a professor and talk to them. I mean, they had office hours, but what did that mean? My dh on the other hand knew all of his professors personally. He would go to their offices and ask how he could do better. We still get Christmas cards from some of them!!! ( And you should know that my dh is not a social butterfly kind of person. He is rather quiet. As opposed to me.:D) I'm guessing that helped him make a 3.98 while I had a 3.75. I just didn't even think about it.

 

So, what brought this up? AP Statistics. My 10th grader is taking this class and it is his first to take outside of me since 3rd grade. I had just been letting him do it and just checking occasionally. He seemed to be struggling on the essay type questions and I would ask him, but he would just say it was hard. Can I help? No.. Then he got a test back. He mad a B on the multiple choice, but a 14 out of 40 on the essay.:001_huh: His dad just about had a come apart. I reminded him that this was part of the purpose of this class to let him learn how to learn himself without me. That said, I did step in. I made him redo the test neatly and showed him how the teacher had underlined on the test to write the answers on another sheet of paper... ( which he had ignored and fit in with scribbles) We then took practice essay tests every single day. I have two AP prep books as well as a Teaching Company lectures. I made him watch them and had him do the appropriate sections in the prep books. Well, we just got his test back and he made a 36 out of 40 on this one.

 

So.. I am going to have a discussion with my son.. If you want a good grade, you often have to go above and beyond and ask for help, go to the tutoring, look for ways to practice etc. You need to look at the directions CAREFULLY. My son is so quiet, though. I just see him being so intimidated at the thought of talking to professors.. Anyway, somehow I need to get him to recognize when he doesn't understand something ( which is rare) and to ask for help. In the AP class, it was really just realizing that he needed to approach those questions more like an essay test on literature and not just a math test. ( But mom, I took this to do math, not to write!!! I thought this was just math.:tongue_smilie:)

 

Christine

[momofkhm]

I think one skill we need to work on with our children is the ability to recognize when you need help with a subject. LeTourneau University said that is one common problem they have with homeschoolers. There is TONS of tutoring both group and individual available, but they will not often admit that they need it and so they flunk a class or two and the parents have no idea until the grades come at Christmas. I know that when I went to college, I had absolutely no idea that you could go to a professor and talk to them. I mean, they had office hours, but what did that mean? My dh on the other hand knew all of his professors personally. He would go to their offices and ask how he could do better. We still get Christmas cards from some of them!!! ( And you should know that my dh is not a social butterfly kind of person. He is rather quiet. As opposed to me.:D) I'm guessing that helped him make a 3.98 while I had a 3.75. I just didn't even think about it.

 

 

So.. I am going to have a discussion with my son.. If you want a good grade, you often have to go above and beyond and ask for help, go to the tutoring, look for ways to practice etc. You need to look at the directions CAREFULLY. My son is so quiet, though. I just see him being so intimidated at the thought of talking to professors.. Anyway, somehow I need to get him to recognize when he doesn't understand something ( which is rare) and to ask for help. In the AP class, it was really just realizing that he needed to approach those questions more like an essay test on literature and not just a math test. ( But mom, I took this to do math, not to write!!! I thought this was just math.:tongue_smilie:)

 

Christine

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I wholeheartedly agree. I also need to have this discussion with my children. Well, my high schooler anyway. :) She does need to know to go into the profs before things get bad. She shouldn't wait until the situation I thought I was in "I'm failing your class, what can I do to pass?" The prof looked at his grade book and told me I wasn't failing. And I didn't. But the point is, don't wait that long!

[Nan in Mass]

Sigh. Good luck with this. I have talked myself blue in the face about this because my oldest got very poor grades in high school (ps) because he would not do this. The teachers would tell us that he needed to come talk to them and he just plain couldn't. He would try, occasionally, and not be able to find the teacher, and not follow it up by trying again. My middle one does this in college, as well. Sometimes they have managed to connect up with the prof and actually talk to them, but in general, this is something that is insurmountably intimidating to my normally rather too forthright boys. I keep trying. Just posting this in case it helps someone to realize that this is truly a difficult thing to do for some people. I myself am very, very quiet and I managed to screw up my courage and go do it numerous times, so I was very surprised to discover that my children had such trouble with it.

-Nan

[jld]

My second year of college, I took a speech class. The prof mentioned that he would be willing to help anyone with their speech if they wanted to stop by his office.

 

Well, I prepared my first speech and went over to see him. I knocked at the door, and he seemed kind of surprised to see me, but listened to the speech and offered some pointers.

 

I did the speech a day or so later and got a good grade. Some of the kids seemed to like it, too, judging by their faces and comments afterwards. The prof then announced that he had been teaching for 20 years, and while he had made that offer to every speech class he had ever taught, I was the first person who ever took him up on it.

 

Well, that all changed very quickly. Many people in our class started to go see him before speeches to get tips. I remember having to wait in line sometimes!

 

To me, seeking help just seemed normal. I was paying a lot of money to go to college, the profs were there to help us, and so why wouldn't I go and ask for assistance? I have told my children this story, and I hope they will be unafraid to approach their teachers. I think it's just part of getting your money's worth out of school.

[Ester Maria]

The first part of my current signature says, "The one who is bashful cannot learn".

If you're ashamed to ask and investigate, you cannot learn.

If you're too bashful to communicate your knowledge and doubts, you cannot learn. If you're too bashful to ask somebody to communicate theirs with you, you cannot learn.

 

I repeat this all the time to my kids, and even if it sometimes causes them to roll their eyes (t(w)eens are difficult :001_rolleyes::D), I do see that we're reaping the results more and more every year. It's all about the attitude one takes towards learning.

 

When something is unclear, we teach them to tear the thing to pieces, as small ones as possible, and see where exactly the problem lies. I gradually stopped accepting "This is hard!" kind of complains as they were growing up, making them come to me with concrete questions, rather than "general impressions". I think a lot of the problems lie in that sphere - most people just don't break their problems to small enough and concrete enough pieces, but once one gets that habit, it makes your life much easier. We also teach them, when they ask for help, to always come with an already thought-out problem, i.e. with concrete questions, demonstrating the thought process that lead them there. People appreciate it, everyone they've talked and learned anything with so far.

So, it's pretty much "help yourself and others will help you too" over here.

 

With regards to consulting your professors at university, many of ours requested it at least once during the semester and yes, a LOT of times you had to wait in line if you needed them because a lot of students took the opportunity to talk to their professors very seriously. It's their time, the time they're paid for, to help you, and an intelligent person is going to use that time, especially if they need help. I hope my children have the same attitude one day.

[regentrude]

With regards to consulting your professors at university, many of ours requested it at least once during the semester and yes, a LOT of times you had to wait in line if you needed them because a lot of students took the opportunity to talk to their professors very seriously. It's their time, the time they're paid for, to help you, and an intelligent person is going to use that time, especially if they need help.

 

That is what I preach every semester - to my college students: you pay a lot of money for this class, consider it a flat fee that covers all questions; I don't bill you by the question (as opposed to my immigration lawyer who charges over a hundred dollars to answer one email).

Interestingly, the ones who need the help most do not seek it. Our help sessions are populated by the B and C students - the A's don't need it, the D's and F's don't show up.

I have never really understood why that is. Some underperforming students simply don't get their act together, and showing up for help sessions and office hours would be yet another item on their agendas that they can't manage already. But not all of them... really, I don't know.

 

I hope for my kids it will be easier in college in this respect, because they are used to seeing me spend several hours doing help sessions each week, and answering student emails.

 

But if somebody comes up with the magic bullet to teach students to ask for help, please let me know.

[memphispeg]

This is why my dd is not in ps this year. She rarely even talks to me about what she is struggling with. I have asked her for feedback on curriculum planning, hoping that turning the tables would get her to open up. I have one more year to pry open the gates. This is one of the reasons that I am reluctant to allow her to apply to larger universities. I'm sincerely afraid that she will get lost in the shuffle.

[jld]

I think a lot of students just aren't curious. I think probably a lot of people in general just aren't curious. People are often satisfied to do the minimum and not put any extra effort or thought into anything. I've seen this in Europe and India as well as in America, so I think it must be part of the human condition.

[Nan in Mass]

I suspect a most of the world is too tired to think much and besides, thinking too much about their situation is just plain scary or depressing. Thinking and high expectations require energy, something many people don't have much of.

 

My Buddhist brother in law would probably say the solution is to learn to not think GRIN.

-Nan

[Sunshine State Sue]

We ran into this this semester with 2 outsourced classes. I think my (used to be very extroverted before puberty hit) ds doesn't want to appear foolish by asking stupid questions. It shocked me because the teachers are very friendly and open and encourage the students to contact them.

 

I talked to ds about how asking questions is actually a sign of intelligence. In my professional life, my clients love me because I ask all sorts of questions until I understand what it is they need/want. I can remember asking for help in high school, so it surprised me that ds had/has some trouble.

[Sasharowan]

I took a college math class where the teacher marked and graded homework as well as tests and quizzes. I stayed after class and talked with the teacher until I understood every single problem I got wrong. I was the only student to do so and the only one to get an A in a class with a teacher with a hard reputation.

[regentrude]

I took a college math class where the teacher marked and graded homework as well as tests and quizzes. I stayed after class and talked with the teacher until I understood every single problem I got wrong. I was the only student to do so and the only one to get an A in a class with a teacher with a hard reputation.

 

I job I also grade every single homework problem for every student every week and write detailed feedback.

Sometimes I have given a mid-semester questionnaire where I ask, among other things, what they think about the homework feedback. I was quite shocked that a third of the class circled the option "I don't look at graded homework".

I could see a student being shy and not feeling comfortable asking questions in class. But not looking what one did wrong on the homework???

(Particularly since they know that the exams are modeled after homework questions they had assigned...) I don't get it.

[Sunshine State Sue]

IBut not looking what one did wrong on the homework???

This would be my ds. If I didn't force him to look at errors, he wouldn't do it. I think he thinks that once it's turned in, he's done. Also, I think that he has a higher opinion of his knowledge than reality. Or maybe it's because we haven't really done much testing until this year.

 

I hope it is a maturity thing. :banghead: