Mom hates your DH: How do you handle that?

[stripe]

It was just that one time. ONE TIME....gahhhhhhh!!

With all due respect, it was not just that one time, as this thread is a continuation of it, and is about both your husband AND your mother. And I did visit your blog, and you have other things (positive or neutral included) about pets and child(ren).

 

The point of a blog is to broadcast yourself and your life. People have been fired from their jobs for inopportune emails that recipients forwarded around. Stuff on the internet is just not secret. Online contacts are not your confidants. Sorry.

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I suppose the one advantage that I can see, in your case, is that it is so obvious that you need to cut the contact - your mom is waaaay out of line about your dh and your special needs child, IMO.

 

You don't need that kind of stress when you're raising a family! :grouphug:

[Peela]

:grouphug: Very difficult. I agree that you need to be careful not to say anything negative about your dh to her...or on your blog if she can read it.

AND probably confront her and explain why you wouldnt dream of spending Christmas with her. Tell her how much you love your dh and that she had better get used to it. She is expecting somehow that you maintain a loyalty to her over and above your dh, when it is a mother's job to let go of her children to their spouses, and be graceful about it.

 

I have a situation that is much, much milder. My dh offended my mother once - years ago,the kids were babies- by not talking to her when he and I were having an argument while staying at her house and he was terribly upset. He withdrew and wouldnt speak to me..or her- for a day. It was childish, yes...but she has never actually forgiven him and that was 15 years ago AND he apologised sincerely.

 

She doesn't like him, but she doesn't express that to me (only other relatives who then tell me) and while it has limited how much contact she has with us, I just accept that. In our case...she won't speak negatively about him to me, but I just pretend I don't know she hates him, and carry on regardless- but it makes me uncomfortable because it slike having an elephant in the room that no one talks about. I save up and go visit her with the kids every 2-3 years or so and we have a great time- she is a great granma. I would love to invite her to come and stay with us- she did briefly last year but only for 2 days- but her trip with dh makes it too uncomfortable. C'est la vie.

 

BTW I had an uncle who was most adored by all of the family who "couldnt keep down a job" either. He didnt really like any job for more than a few months so he would always be getting a new one or be between jobs. They moved a lot too. Even though it was a trait that upset my aunt at times, there was so much love between them.

[kalanamak]

if I divorced DH, that X number of dollars would be mine on the day the divorce was finalized (the number was in the high 6 figures).

 

I would have been tempted to do a nice neat 200 dollar DYI divorce, cash the check and take the whole family on a second honeymoon!!:lol:

[6packofun]

LOL I'm so sorry for what your mom said about your special needs child. That is just INEXCUSABLE!!

 

Now for another weird similarity... My mother is a teacher's aid in a special needs classroom--for the life of me, I don't know WHY. She complains about the kids and then says she can't babysit mine because she's had too much of children from work. ?? She says that when she goes out to run errands on her days off, she doesn't even want to hear the words "kids" or "children"!! Ugh, she's just whacked.

 

I maintain the relationship with her for my kids' sake and because I truly feel sorry for her and love her, but...it makes me weary!

[OLG]

It's definitely about control! And maybe about her own insecurities and failures too....

 

Put up the boundaries, establish the conditions for her being in your life on YOUR terms. She has developed a bad habit after 19 years.

 

SO sorry for your pain but your hubbie is one lucky guy!

 

Mary

[Impish]

Someone once told me that it is best not to share negative aspects of our marriage with our parents.

We may forgive our spouse and sometimes even forget the incident ever happened, but our parents will never forget how a son- or daughter-in-law hurt their child.

Since your mother already has issues with your husband, you should consider being extremely careful about saying anything negative about him in public.

:iagree:

You know, I can TOTALLY relate. My mother is an abusive, mean-spirited, uses-Christianity-as-a weapon, controlling, racist, toxic jerk. It took me until I hit my 40's to really see her for what she is and to be able to weed out what I thought was regular behavior from the toxic garbage. It's a shattering realization. I think it's great you took the blog post down and I think raising the walls, closing the drawbridge and loading the moat with hungry gators is a good idea for now concerning your mom. I remember feeling like that when it really hit me how damaging my own mother is and I had to do that until I could get a bit stronger and be able to set limits and stick to them without feeling like her displeasure is all my fault.

 

:grouphug:

:iagree:

I agree about not venting in places where your mom can read it or directly to her. I don't know the mother in question here, or her personality, but think about it: How much are you going to like *your* daughter's husband if he can't seem to hold a job and take care of your child?? Even having a job of her own doesn't make a non-working dh look better in anyone's eyes. I think anger is a natural reaction when you've hoped for a more secure life for your child and it doesn't happen. It's easy (not right, necessarily) to blame someone who is doing little to help make it better. It might be that mama bear thing gone totally awry, BUT I think I can understand it a bit.

 

Now as to the appropriateness of her actions and the degree to which she's ticked, that may be off the charts and a wife needs to protect her marriage to the point of limiting contact with someone who is going to undermine that, whether they're family or not.

:iagree: