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Mom hates your DH: How do you handle that?


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SIGH.

A little background: my mother HATES my husband with the passion of a thousand suns. We rarely go to visit her (three hours away) because of this and also because my special needs child makes her extremely uncomfortable and she ends up saying nasty things about his behaviors (long story, but basically we see her as little as humanly possible). She's one of those people that's very passive-aggressive, saying nasty things and following it up with a "but then at church I did this" kind of thing.

 

On my personal blog I wrote a rant about my husband's inability to keep a job for various reasons, I won't go into it, but suffice it to say he's a good man but just can't keep a job. I work so I'm not that freaked out but it is frustrating. Unfortunately she read this rant (I did not know she even knew my blog address) and wrote a really nasty comment AND sent me a nasty Facebook message suggesting:

 

1)I leave the SOB

2)I tell my brothers to come after him with guns. Seriously. WTH.

3)I leave the SOB.

 

This is just another entry in the LONG years of her hating on my DH. Now she wants us to come up and stay with her a couple days over Christmas (insert gagging noise here), and I flat out told her NO. She makes us feel so unwelcome when we're up, but talks all year round about how she can't wait to see her grandkids, see us at the holidays, etc. But when we actually are there, hoo WHEE, watch out.

 

So my question is this: how do you deal with mothers or mothers in law that just hate your DH? We've been married for 19 years so I'm pretty sure she's had plenty of time to get used to the idea that he's not going anywhere, yet she persists in being an absolute stone cold b***h to him. :tongue_smilie:

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It doesn't sound like she welcomes your 'family unit' so why would your 'family unit' go visit her.

 

If she and you dh didn't get along, but the rest of you do, then sure, take the kids and go visit. (This is what dh and I did for years when his mother and I didn't get along). But, if there are still going to be issues, spouse bashing and negative comments to the kids, then I wouldn't even bother with that.

 

Relationships take all the parties to work together. If she isn't willing to do her part, then I wouldn't force the issue.

 

If she can't be cordial, be a grown up, suck it up and deal with your choice....then you don't have any obligation to be those things to her either.

 

Some people are just toxic and you just can't do anything to change that.

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I would be careful not to give off any vibes of discontent with your dh. Obviously her finding your blog post just fueled her fire. It might take a couple of years of over-the-top praise for your dh and no criticisms veiled or otherwise for her to start seeing what you're seeing. This might not be possible seeing that you are unhappy enough with a certain part of him to post it on your blog...and not being able to keep a job is kinda huge. In that case stay far, far away. :001_smile:

 

ETA: I don't think EVERYONE has to speak in eternal glowing terms about their SO to the parental units but in THIS kind of case...I think it is necessary.

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Leave and cleave. I would tell her to stick it. And I would refuse to speak to her until she can agree to keep her opnions to herself. I know that sounds mean, but after 19 years, she needs to let it go.

 

:iagree: My mother hates DH and we have married for almost 30 years. Way back when, I tried with all my might to have a civil relationship with her. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she got me alone on one of our visits and told me that if I divorced DH, that X number of dollars would be mine on the day the divorce was finalized (the number was in the high 6 figures). I told her I couldn't be bought and haven't seen her since. Her loss, not mine.

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:iagree: My mother hates DH and we have married for almost 30 years. Way back when, I tried with all my might to have a civil relationship with her. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she got me alone on one of our visits and told me that if I divorced DH, that X number of dollars would be mine on the day the divorce was finalized (the number was in the high 6 figures). I told her I couldn't be bought and haven't seen her since. Her loss, not mine.

 

WOW.

 

I think that if my mom had the money, that she would do that as well. Her dream would be for me to kick DH out, put my special needs child in an institution, then move right next door to her so she could dote on her "normal" grandkids. She can't stand that she has a mentally disabled grandchild.

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For the sake of my children, I probably wouldn't cut off contact...unless she was actually serious about the idea sending over your brothers with guns (?!?!). Unless she's dangerous, I wouldn't want to deprive my kids of a relationship with her (and their grandfather? edited to add: it sounds like this isn't likely). But I would absolutely insist on meeting in neutral, public places only, with the understanding that there are to be absolutely no snide comments, ever. And unless DH wanted to stay home, I'd want him there too. As a family, we're a package deal.

Edited by jplain
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Leave and cleave. I would tell her to stick it. And I would refuse to speak to her until she can agree to keep her opinions to herself. I know that sounds mean, but after 19 years, she needs to let it go.

 

Perfect! :iagree: You are married, you are "one" with you dh, not your mother. If she has a problem, then that's just it: it's HER problem, not yours or your dh's. Leave and cleave.

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I don't have the first clue why your dh is having trouble holding down a job, but, generally speaking, I don't think it's a great idea to post a vent about it on a blog. I think that's hurtful to your dh AND it gives your mother ammunition. If you want to journal your feelings, I'd do it in a format that's not public.

 

Secondly, you mother needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you are not leaving your husband and that if she can not show him respect, she can expect to not see you or your family. Your loyalty now lies with your husband and children. Momma's attempts at dividing your family need to be nipped, NOW. As far as sending your brothers over with guns? Um, no. If she's serious about that, it needs to be confronted and squelched.

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I would be careful not to give off any vibes of discontent with your dh.

 

:iagree:

Someone once told me that it is best not to share negative aspects of our marriage with our parents.

We may forgive our spouse and sometimes even forget the incident ever happened, but our parents will never forget how a son- or daughter-in-law hurt their child.

Since your mother already has issues with your husband, you should consider being extremely careful about saying anything negative about him in public.

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I don't have the first clue why your dh is having trouble holding down a job, but, generally speaking, I don't think it's a great idea to post a vent about it on a blog. I think that's hurtful to your dh AND it gives your mother ammunition. If you want to journal your feelings, I'd do it in a format that's not public.

 

You are absolutely right. I deleted the blog post. I had no idea she knew I had a blog, but I do now, and it's going to be heavily censored from now on.

 

As for my brothers coming over with guns, I wouldn't put it past her to call them up to have what she calls "a little chat". They would just blow her off, she does this kind of thing all the time. For example, when my stepfather (whom she divorced) came out, she called me up and told me that I needed to go over to his house and throw Scripture references at him until he decided he wasn't gay anymore. :tongue_smilie: This is the kind of person we're dealing with. She also tells me that my mentally disabled child will probably "grow out of it"' and that I just need to "discipline him more".

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:iagree: My mother hates DH and we have married for almost 30 years. Way back when, I tried with all my might to have a civil relationship with her. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she got me alone on one of our visits and told me that if I divorced DH, that X number of dollars would be mine on the day the divorce was finalized (the number was in the high 6 figures). I told her I couldn't be bought and haven't seen her since. Her loss, not mine.

 

:eek: :eek: :eek:

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:iagree:

Someone once told me that it is best not to share negative aspects of our marriage with our parents.

We may forgive our spouse and sometimes even forget the incident ever happened, but our parents will never forget how a son- or daughter-in-law hurt their child.

Since your mother already has issues with your husband, you should consider being extremely careful about saying anything negative about him in public.

 

Absolutely right. And I had done a REALLY good job with this for many years, until this week when I wrote this post out of frustration. I totally did not realize that she knew my blog address. Now she's going to be chewing on this for months. She will probably be writing him a letter today, telling him to "man up". She's done that before.

 

Boy, the more I write about her shenanigans, the more I'm shocked at why I'm even asking what to do about it. It's just difficult when you're "in" the situation, kwim? Can't see the forest for the trees.

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Her dream would be for me to put my special needs child in an institution, then move right next door to her so she could dote on her "normal" grandkids. She can't stand that she has a mentally disabled grandchild.

 

How horrible! This alone would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

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I think that if my mom had the money, that she would do that as well. Her dream would be for me to kick DH out, put my special needs child in an institution, then move right next door to her so she could dote on her "normal" grandkids. She can't stand that she has a mentally disabled grandchild.

 

How unbelievably sad.

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You are absolutely right. I deleted the blog post. I had no idea she knew I had a blog, but I do now, and it's going to be heavily censored from now on.

 

As for my brothers coming over with guns, I wouldn't put it past her to call them up to have what she calls "a little chat". They would just blow her off, she does this kind of thing all the time. For example, when my stepfather (whom she divorced) came out, she called me up and told me that I needed to go over to his house and throw Scripture references at him until he decided he wasn't gay anymore. :tongue_smilie: This is the kind of person we're dealing with. She also tells me that my mentally disabled child will probably "grow out of it"' and that I just need to "discipline him more".

Good job :001_smile:! I might just continue to hold my boundaires and chock this up to my ooops on posting the blog.

 

Maybe a follow up blog on why you chose to stay married even after the finacial offer...would be good idea ;)

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Good job :001_smile:! I might just continue to hold my boundaires and chock this up to my ooops on posting the blog.

 

Maybe a follow up blog on why you chose to stay married even after the finacial offer...would be good idea ;)

 

Ooops, I read someone else's post as yours. Still a follow up blog that you make visable to your brothers sounds neat ;)

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Absolutely right. And I had done a REALLY good job with this for many years, until this week when I wrote this post out of frustration. I totally did not realize that she knew my blog address. Now she's going to be chewing on this for months. She will probably be writing him a letter today, telling him to "man up". She's done that before.

 

Boy, the more I write about her shenanigans, the more I'm shocked at why I'm even asking what to do about it. It's just difficult when you're "in" the situation, kwim? Can't see the forest for the trees.

 

You know, I can TOTALLY relate. My mother is an abusive, mean-spirited, uses-Christianity-as-a weapon, controlling, racist, toxic jerk. It took me until I hit my 40's to really see her for what she is and to be able to weed out what I thought was regular behavior from the toxic garbage. It's a shattering realization. I think it's great you took the blog post down and I think raising the walls, closing the drawbridge and loading the moat with hungry gators is a good idea for now concerning your mom. I remember feeling like that when it really hit me how damaging my own mother is and I had to do that until I could get a bit stronger and be able to set limits and stick to them without feeling like her displeasure is all my fault.

 

:grouphug:

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I remember feeling like that when it really hit me how damaging my own mother is and I had to do that until I could get a bit stronger and be able to set limits and stick to them without feeling like her displeasure is all my fault.

 

:grouphug:

 

I think that's key in this whole mess - her displeasure is NOT my fault, not even my issue. She is just a toxic person who needs to make other people miserable in order to make herself happy. But it's just such a weird dynamic, because on the one hand, she says all these mean nasty things, and then on the other hand, she gets mad that she doesn't get to see us 24/7. We went up and stayed with her for my grandmother's funeral, and not only did she make nasty comments when my mentally disabled kiddo had a breakdown, she also locked herself in her room for almost the entire time we were there. But then she calls every day and says things like "I can't wait to see you!" It's just SO WEIRD.

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I think that's key in this whole mess - her displeasure is NOT my fault, not even my issue. She is just a toxic person who needs to make other people miserable in order to make herself happy. But it's just such a weird dynamic, because on the one hand, she says all these mean nasty things, and then on the other hand, she gets mad that she doesn't get to see us 24/7. We went up and stayed with her for my grandmother's funeral, and not only did she make nasty comments when my mentally disabled kiddo had a breakdown, she also locked herself in her room for almost the entire time we were there. But then she calls every day and says things like "I can't wait to see you!" It's just SO WEIRD.

 

This sounds more like a control thing to me than anything else.

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I agree about not venting in places where your mom can read it or directly to her. I don't know the mother in question here, or her personality, but think about it: How much are you going to like *your* daughter's husband if he can't seem to hold a job and take care of your child?? Even having a job of her own doesn't make a non-working dh look better in anyone's eyes. I think anger is a natural reaction when you've hoped for a more secure life for your child and it doesn't happen. It's easy (not right, necessarily) to blame someone who is doing little to help make it better. It might be that mama bear thing gone totally awry, BUT I think I can understand it a bit.

 

Now as to the appropriateness of her actions and the degree to which she's ticked, that may be off the charts and a wife needs to protect her marriage to the point of limiting contact with someone who is going to undermine that, whether they're family or not.

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I don't have the first clue why your dh is having trouble holding down a job, but, generally speaking, I don't think it's a great idea to post a vent about it on a blog. I think that's hurtful to your dh AND it gives your mother ammunition. If you want to journal your feelings, I'd do it in a format that's not public.

 

Secondly, you mother needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you are not leaving your husband and that if she can not show him respect, she can expect to not see you or your family. Your loyalty now lies with your husband and children. Momma's attempts at dividing your family need to be nipped, NOW. As far as sending your brothers over with guns? Um, no. If she's serious about that, it needs to be confronted and squelched.

 

:iagree::iagree: Michelle- you rock! I always agree with your posts.

 

WendyLee- Your mother sounds unbalanced and probably is narcissistic. Because she has shown you and your dh and your child such disrespect, I would cut ALL contact. I can't think of anything positive a person like this could add to a child's life so, I wouldn't let her have contact with ANY of the children. If you must travel home - ie: a funeral- stay elsewhere. Keep your distance. Also- make your blog password protected so only those whom you choose can read it.

Sorry you're having to go through this. :grouphug: I have a difficult mother also and don't have much contact with her- saves the hassle, self-esteem and blood pressure.

There should be a support group for women with looney mothers, huh?

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I agree about not venting in places where your mom can read it or directly to her. I don't know the mother in question here, or her personality, but think about it: How much are you going to like *your* daughter's husband if he can't seem to hold a job and take care of your child?? Even having a job of her own doesn't make a non-working dh look better in anyone's eyes. I think anger is a natural reaction when you've hoped for a more secure life for your child and it doesn't happen. It's easy (not right, necessarily) to blame someone who is doing little to help make it better. It might be that mama bear thing gone totally awry, BUT I think I can understand it a bit.

 

Now as to the appropriateness of her actions and the degree to which she's ticked, that may be off the charts and a wife needs to protect her marriage to the point of limiting contact with someone who is going to undermine that, whether they're family or not.

 

TOTALLY agree, which is part of the dilemma, because I am frustrated that he can't hold a job, but I'm also not necessarily worried financially because I work full-time and make wayyy better money than he does (or can). So I can see her point of view.

 

I was just expressing frustration mostly because he doesn't seem to understand that his constant quitting jobs is not okay, it's always everyone else's fault. But that does NOT mean that I don't love him or won't stick by him.

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I think that's key in this whole mess - her displeasure is NOT my fault, not even my issue. She is just a toxic person who needs to make other people miserable in order to make herself happy. But it's just such a weird dynamic, because on the one hand, she says all these mean nasty things, and then on the other hand, she gets mad that she doesn't get to see us 24/7. We went up and stayed with her for my grandmother's funeral, and not only did she make nasty comments when my mentally disabled kiddo had a breakdown, she also locked herself in her room for almost the entire time we were there. But then she calls every day and says things like "I can't wait to see you!" It's just SO WEIRD.

 

My narcissistic parents say the same kinds of things... "oh, we MISS the grandchildren!" and other such nonsense. They have convinced themselves that this must be true, because it feeds into their own self-absorbed narrative of what wonderful, loving parents/grandparents they are. When in fact they don't give a darn. What they DO want is stories of how their grandchildren are exceptional in every way, that they can tell all their retired friends, because then we make them look good. Imagine their irritation that the kids have the nerve to be average, and even make mistakes.

 

I'm sorry you're going through all that. It stinks. In a perfect world, we would all have healthy relationships with our moms, it would sure make BEING a mom a lot easier.

 

(and, off-topic: your blog is hysterical. Totally my sense of humor, and I love the kittie-witties. :D)

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I think that's key in this whole mess - her displeasure is NOT my fault, not even my issue. She is just a toxic person who needs to make other people miserable in order to make herself happy. But it's just such a weird dynamic, because on the one hand, she says all these mean nasty things, and then on the other hand, she gets mad that she doesn't get to see us 24/7. We went up and stayed with her for my grandmother's funeral, and not only did she make nasty comments when my mentally disabled kiddo had a breakdown, she also locked herself in her room for almost the entire time we were there. But then she calls every day and says things like "I can't wait to see you!" It's just SO WEIRD.

 

Do we have the same mother? LOL

 

It is a weird dynamic. My mother wrote me a 3 page diatribe berating me (and my EX, my friends, and my church) for not visiting her two summers ago. It took her 8 months to send me that letter (after "much praying over the situation") and she informed me that she would not be contacting me again until "God changed my heart." I chose to not respond to that at all. Well, just two weeks ago, she sent me a birthday card telling me how much she loves me. What.EVER. I just won't play anymore. Her insanity is HER insanity, I don't have to wear it.

 

It makes my blood boil that yours is mean to your special-needs child. I mean, seriously. How completely cruel can she be?

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#1: I would stop venting in public about dh. It fueling her fire. It's normal to vent, find another forum for it.

 

#2: He's your dh and therefore more important in your life than mom. Period. He comes first. HE'S your family now. I know you know this, but, it helps when others reinforce it. It give confidence!:001_smile:

 

#3: I wouldn't go to your mom's house until she understands this and is willing to treat him with respect.

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I think that's key in this whole mess - her displeasure is NOT my fault, not even my issue. She is just a toxic person who needs to make other people miserable in order to make herself happy. But it's just such a weird dynamic, because on the one hand, she says all these mean nasty things, and then on the other hand, she gets mad that she doesn't get to see us 24/7. We went up and stayed with her for my grandmother's funeral, and not only did she make nasty comments when my mentally disabled kiddo had a breakdown, she also locked herself in her room for almost the entire time we were there. But then she calls every day and says things like "I can't wait to see you!" It's just SO WEIRD.

 

Your mom may have a personality disorder - the push-pull of "I hate you-don't leave me-I love you" is fundamental in borderlines.

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Do we have the same mother? LOL

 

It is a weird dynamic. My mother wrote me a 3 page diatribe berating me (and my EX, my friends, and my church) for not visiting her two summers ago. It took her 8 months to send me that letter (after "much praying over the situation") and she informed me that she would not be contacting me again until "God changed my heart." I chose to not respond to that at all. Well, just two weeks ago, she sent me a birthday card telling me how much she loves me. What.EVER. I just won't play anymore. Her insanity is HER insanity, I don't have to wear it.

 

It makes my blood boil that yours is mean to your special-needs child. I mean, seriously. How completely cruel can she be?

Oh my! Your mother must be my mother-in-law-from-hades' twin!

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Honestly, I would stop posting anything (negative or positive) about any member of your family (husband, mother, child, or pet) online. It seems an invitation to disaster.

 

It was just that one time. ONE TIME....gahhhhhhh!!

 

Of course, that's all it takes. :>)

 

I did just get off the phone with her and set her straight that A)I was just ranting 2)we're fine D)husband is fine even though he can't hold a job and I'm not leaving him and WE'RE FINE.

 

:tongue_smilie:

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I really do understand. I have shared WAY too much with my mom about dh over the years, especially during times when I didn't have any friends to talk to. I probably should have just taken the concerns and complained to God, but oh well. LOL!

 

My mom doesn't like my dh because she knows more of his flaws than I should have shared and I think that was wrong of me. I'm not saying YOU did this, I only know it to be true for me and ESPECIALLY because of my mom's personality. (She is 3x divorced and somewhat of a man-hater, unfortunately.) My mom will be polite to dh, but I think he's starting to suspect that she doesn't like him. He has done some things to make life VERY hard for our family and my mom can't forget that. *sigh* She doesn't get that I am not going to leave him and that I still love him "in spite of". She will never get it because her mindset was that of a victim who had to run at the first sign that things weren't perfect for her. And I know she thinks of her anger as righteous anger because he's not doing right by her baby (me)! LOL

 

Anyhow. I do understand!! Hugs and prayers to you!

Edited by 6packofun
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:iagree: My mother hates DH and we have married for almost 30 years. Way back when, I tried with all my might to have a civil relationship with her. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she got me alone on one of our visits and told me that if I divorced DH, that X number of dollars would be mine on the day the divorce was finalized (the number was in the high 6 figures). I told her I couldn't be bought and haven't seen her since. Her loss, not mine.

 

 

Divorce, collect the money, and remarry :D

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I think that if my mom had the money, that she would do that as well. Her dream would be for me to kick DH out, put my special needs child in an institution, then move right next door to her so she could dote on her "normal" grandkids. She can't stand that she has a mentally disabled grandchild.

 

Man, that makes me sick :( I have a mentally disabled child, too. I wonder if part of her issue with your dh is that she blames him for your child being disabled? Like "it must be in his genes, not mine!" How awful.

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Leave and cleave. I would tell her to stick it. And I would refuse to speak to her until she can agree to keep her opinions to herself. I know that sounds mean, but after 19 years, she needs to let it go.

 

:iagree:

 

Well, ok, Nakia may have put it a bit more, uh, bluntly than I would have, LOL, but, yeah, I agree.

 

Leave and cleave.

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Well first you de-friend her from Facebook...after that you de-Mom her. You've got to protect your family from the toxicity. Doctor's orders. Nobody comes within 200 yards (two football fields) of Mom. There's a severe allergy. True she gave birth to you, but sometimes as we get older our bodies change and we develop lactose- or toxicmom-intolerance.

 

Sorry for your situation!

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Leave and cleave. Protect your current family.

 

It's hard. I know. I speak to my mom on the phone maybe once a year, and she's met my oldest child when she was 2 months old (she's almost 11 now) but none of the others. It's her and her husband's choice. He chose to be nasty to me over and over and over even after I set a firm boundary. She chooses him. I cut her off for 2 years and only recently heard from her again. But now she changed her phone number and email address without telling me, so she doesn't know that we have moved. Her loss.

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Well first you de-friend her from Facebook...after that you de-Mom her. You've got to protect your family from the toxicity. Doctor's orders. Nobody comes within 200 yards (two football fields) of Mom. There's a severe allergy. True she gave birth to you, but sometimes as we get older our bodies change and we develop lactose- or toxicmom-intolerance.

 

 

Hilarious! But true.

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I really do understand. I have shared WAY too much with my mom about dh over the years, especially during times when I didn't have any friends to talk to. I probably should have just taken the concerns and complained to God, but oh well. LOL!

 

My mom doesn't like my dh because she knows more of his flaws than I should have shared and I think that was wrong of me. I'm not saying YOU did this, I only know it to be true for me and ESPECIALLY because of my mom's personality. (She is 3x divorced and somewhat of a man-hater, unfortunately.) My mom will be polite to dh, but I think he's starting to suspect that she doesn't like him. He has done some things to make life VERY hard for our family and my mom can't forget that. *sigh* She doesn't get that I am not going to leave him and that I still love him "in spite of". She will never get it because her mindset was that of a victim who had to run at the first sign that things weren't perfect for her. And I know she thinks of her anger as righteous anger because he's not doing right by her baby (me)! LOL

 

Anyhow. I do understand!! Hugs and prayers to you!

 

Oh, man! We have the SAME MOTHER!!!!!! My mom was divorced twice and pretty much hates men, and my husband has not helped her change her opinion with a few of the things he's done over the years. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm in for the duration.

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:iagree: My mother hates DH and we have married for almost 30 years. Way back when, I tried with all my might to have a civil relationship with her. The straw that broke the camel's back was when she got me alone on one of our visits and told me that if I divorced DH, that X number of dollars would be mine on the day the divorce was finalized (the number was in the high 6 figures). I told her I couldn't be bought and haven't seen her since. Her loss, not mine.

 

Wow!...What this says to me is that your moms would rather you leave a man you are happy with, raise your kids on your own when their father is around, and whatever else comes along with a divorce just so that they don't have to have a son in law they didn't choose :confused:...It sounds unbelievably selfish to me...

 

I can't believe moms would rather end relations with their own daughters rather than deal with a son in law they don't like...

 

I would definitely not go to my mother's house if this was the case...Her behavior is making that choice for you, so I wouldn't feel bad...I don't believe in keeping people around for children's sakes or anything like that...I would just have to explain to them when they are old enough...Bad relationships aren't good for anyone involved...

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FWIW, I think you should rethink putting that kind of stuff in a blog. Ever.

 

Those kinds of complaints about a spouse are best either kept to yourself (or spoken about with your spouse) or possibly vented privately to one or two very close, trusted friends. I think making them public is disprespectful to your dh, your kids, and yourself.

 

If you put complaints like that about your dh in cyberspace, then I imagine you've been similarly indiscreet about him to your mom over the years. . . feeding her discontent. No wonder she hates him!

 

Frankly, if I were your mom & knew similar info about your dh, I'd disapprove as well. I'd do my best to keep my lips sealed since you already have kids, but I'd definitely think you got the short end of the marriage stick. (If you didn't already have kids or were not yet married, I'd have voiced my concern strongly.) I have a couple friends who are married to men who, IMHO, don't pull their own weight, and it drives me up a wall to see my friends work SO HARD both child rearing & earning the major income, while their dhs do relatively little so far as I can tell. It is hard enough to keep my mouth shut to these friends, and if that were my kid, well, I'm sure it'd about put me on another planet trying to be supportive. Yikes.

 

So, what to do about your mom? Well, there's probably not much to be done to fix things at this point, but you can try. You can stop feeding her dislike by stopping your complaints. . . and you can mention positive things when they happen (I.e., if she compliments the new paint in the kitchen, make sure she knows dh did it last week while you were at work. . . if she compliments the kid's musical talent, make sure she knows it is dh who takes dc to lessons & practices with him every night. . . etc.)

 

I think the bigger problem is that you need to come to peace with your spouse & his lack of job-holding abilty. . . If you want to divorce him, fine with me -- you're within your rights, IMHO. But showing disrespect can easily be emotionally abusive and you need to be careful there -- divorced, married, whatever, this is your kids' dad. Either accept & support him. . . or prod him respectfully to change. . . but the other yucky stuff is just not OK IMHO.

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