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Austin is home, long emotional outcome


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I picked Austin up from the hospital today. We are no further ahead than when I admitted him. Their solution is public school. Apparently that is the "cure" for conduct disorder. They decided that aside from conduct disorder he is normal and it is once again put on me for being the reason he is the way he is. The dr told me I am not doing enough in the home environment to help him, I do not have him in enough activities, not making enough effort etc. His solution is public school and more extra currics(which would mean stopping the other kids activities to come up with the time and money), quitting my job etc. Oh the other answers were to sell my house and move back to the city I hated and moved away from back in April to put him in a good school, or put him in a residential program for a minimum of 3 months. I had initially agreed to teh referral for this school but as I looked into it more have been having reservations, they expect the parents to be available a lot, every wednesday, counselling sessions etc. Problem is it is 2 hours from home, so to do that I have to quit my job kwim. While he was in the hospital I had very little contact with im beyond a phone call each night and a little bit of time on the weekends. The dr kept saying he saw such an improvement in Austin in the month he was there and not at home. He was caught stealing there, and lieing, but because he could not set fires, or run away(the unit it kept locked), or break and enter or even have set school assignments they felt he was "better" than when he is at home.

 

They still refuse to listen to what I am saying, will not look at the big picture (the dr was focused on the 1month he was there not the 12 years of bs I have dealt with). He even had the nerve to make a comment that if I wanted the best for my son I would look at ps but of course it was my choice.

 

All I have ever wanted is the best for my kids. I quit work and college to help ds, I have dealt with CPS, police etc repeated because of ds, found my current job to give him the social aspect he needs while still being home to hs and bring in an income to help him. I moved away from the city to try and give him a better place to grow up. I have been to h*ll and back repeatedly to try an give ds and my other kids the best. I am so sick and tired of being told I am not good enough.

 

Last I checked ps does not cure stealing, lieing, antisocial behaviours etc. They even decided he is "cured" from his ADHD, because of age and refuse to consider maybe the fact that I have worked tirelessly on teaching him how to focus and pay attention for any length of time is the reason.

 

The one good thing was the psychologist (not the shrink saying all the garbage above), did say she was amazed at how well I knew my son's strengths, weaknesses, grade level etc in Each and every academic area they tested. She said she has never had a family in that program where the parents could know that before. THe shrink wouldn't even consider that perhaps me knowing that and working with him was exactly what he needs, not to be some random kid in the class.

 

They keep focusing on the social stuff. I know he has social struggles/delays, he always has. HOmeschooling did not cause this, he was like that before, during and after he was in public school. I still believe we are dealing with him being on the spectrum but the dr won't listen. His IQ dropped 15 points since the last time he was tested, and the dr claims it is normal, he just needs to read more. He reads all the time! Heck I school with a literature based method for the most part.

 

I am so frustrated, and tired of it. They said they would see if they could find a community worker/aide to work withhim but no promises, all other help we can not access unless I put him in public school. Of course as soon as I tried to talk to my mom about this and voice my frustration she right away said I should put him in ps because the dr said so and good parents listen to what the dr says. So now even my mom is saying I am not a good parent for homeschooling.

 

I did manage to talk to my sister and at least she gets where I am coming from and gets why homeschooling so important to me for my kids and that I am doing it because I feel it is the best for my kids. I just wish that the medical field would acknowledge that ps is not the cure for what ails you, and that my mom would simply freaking listen and offer some comfort when I am hurting, though I should know after 33 yrs that is never coming.

 

I just want to get back to life as usual, and not feel like a f up as a parent because I want to keep my kids close to me.

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Oh, Sweetie, you are a good mom. Some people just don't get it. The doctor probably doesn't have a clue about homeschooling. Next time you need one, pick a doctor that has experience treating kids that are homeschooled if it is at all possible.

 

You know your boy best. I'm not exactly sure what the evaluation was supposed to do for him though. Was it to get him some psych help? Respite care?

 

Would something like a Big Brother program help?

 

I'm sorry I have no other suggestions. Grab some chocolate and a glass of your favorite beverage. :grouphug:

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Brandy, I"m sorry you're not getting the support you need.Residential placement sounds like a really good idea. Have you talked with them personally and explained your situation? They have probably had other parents with issues of work conflicts and may have some alternative suggestions for how to work that out; then again, some are rigid and can't accomodate. Anyway, I think it would be worth trying . I do think residential treatment is helpful for conduct disorder. (Worked in residential treatment with conduct-disordered kids for 6 years. I was the liaison-counselor with the community: family, school, mental health)

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That doctor is an idiot. Putting your son in PS will just give him a chance to make friends and allies with the same problems he has, and that will cause his behavior to get much much worse because they will reinforce each other. Ask me how I know this? I have one like that. Mine is an adult now, and has no concept of consequences or how her behavior affects others. Sadly, she is a mother with two children.

She was diagnosed with conduct disorder as a young teen. Nothing we did worked, we went from a small private christian school to a public school based on the 'experts' recommendation, and that was the biggest mistake. She made friends with others like her. She made friends with people whose parents were stupid and gave the kids money and alcohol. She lied, cheated, stole, smoked, drank, snuck out, ran away, escaped from placement, started a gang, beat people up, and helped run a heroin ring. She has been in jail numerous times, most recently this past September and I had her children dropped off to me by social services. She got them back the day she got out. Nice call, CPS.

My advice, run from that doctor. Do not put this child in PS. Pray. Do what seems best to you, since you know him best. Keep him home, as long as you can. Pray more. He may not change, this may be the path he has to take, but at least you will know in your heart that you did the best you could for him. People who don't have a kid like this are not going to understand. They want to blame someone, and you are the person that is going to take the blame. But since I have gone through this, believe me when I say that some people are just born this way and all you can do as a mom is try your best during the time you have with him.

I wish I could offer you some better help than this. At least you know you aren't the only mom who has dealt with this, although that is very poor comfort.

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:grouphug:

 

Honestly, I can't begin to imagine all you have gone through or all you have to deal with. It's infuriating that the doctors can only repeat the same line. It's like calling customer service or tech support only to have them read from the manual. Isn't anyone smart enough to think? One would hope that a trained doctor could actually think and interact with the information in front of them and not just keep repeating some standard line.

 

What would they say if he was in school and having problems? What would cure it then?

 

I wish there was a way you could get real help and support. All I can offer is a cyber :grouphug:.

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I'm just sorry sweetheart, this is wrong, but common when you have an establishment that has decided all parents are not good enough. I know how much you love him. This shrink is not being responsible in his evaluation.

 

It does look like you are starting to reap rewards for your work already, and if you can make it work things can get even better. But don't feel like a failure just because some "shrink" and your mom don't support what you have done. You listed the reasons why you are doing the best you can yourself. That is all God expects, do these people really think they are better than God? :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I am so sad you have to go through this and be attacked as a mother on top of it. No one else knows or loves your kids like you do. Doctors can be prejudiced just like anyone else, and are not always right. Don't let them get into your head. It is clear that you have tried and are trying your very best for ALL your kids. I wish I had helpful advice. :grouphug:

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Brandy, YOU are a BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, CREATION OF GOD. HIS BELOVED. YOU matter! You are not an 'f up' by any means! You are LOVED! KUDOS to you, my dear girl, for doing everything you believe needs to be done for your kiddo. Other than that, I really don't know what else to say except that I'm sending you a cyber hug right now!

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