My 6th grade dd's very first essay

[8filltheheart]

Since people often ask what is age appropriate writing, I just asked my dd if I could have her permission to post her essay that she just turned in. This is the first essay she has ever written attempting to prove a thesis and using citations. I would have been happy with several of my other kids if they had produced something like this in mid-7th grade (just as a pt of reference. Every kid is in a different place.)

 

My evaluation with her was that it was wonderful. :D B/c this was a 1st experience, I did not critique her paper in a normal way. My internal reactions were: Her vocabulary is rather weak. She used some transitions but not every time. She followed essay format well and chose appropriate supporting quotes. I am personally thrilled with her effort.

 

The reason I did not comment on her vocabulary/sentence structure/transitions, etc is b/c just like when they are first beginning to learn to read, they lose focus on the actual content of what they are reading, learning a new format of writing requires more focus. Her normal sentence structure and vocabulary are much more advanced. I know that. It will return as she becomes more comfortable with essay writing.

 

FWIW.....I am typing this in b/c she hand wrote it. I am typing it in exactly the way she wrote it.

 

 

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After Narnia had just been created, Aslan warned the Talking Beasts that if they were not careful they would go dumb: "[Aslan warned] 'The Dumb Beasts...do not go back to their ways lest you cease to be Talking Beast. For out of them you were taken and into them you can return. Do not so.'" (Lewis 73) However, many did not heed his warning and did go dumb. As that occurred, the mystical nature and beliefs of Narnia began to disappear.

 

The trees went into a sleep so deep that Lucy tried and tried to awaken them, but all that happened was they swayed only a tiny sway.

Though there was no breath of wind they all stirred...The rustling noise of the leaves was almost like words...Lucy felt that at any moment she would begin to understand what the trees were trying to say...But the moment did not come. (Lewis 369-370)

All they did was sway and did nothing else. The trees acted as though they had been asleep for so long that they could not wake up. They did not listen to Aslan and because of that they went almost completely back to being normal trees. The trees, however, were not alone in this act; the animals made this mistake, also.

 

When Peter, Edmund, Susan, Lucy, and Trumpkin were walking through the woods, they were tracked down by a bear. The bear only wanted to eat them and had no intention of having a conversation with them. He had no qualities of Talking Bears: "[said the dwarf] 'I saw the face and heard the snarl. He only wanted little girl breakfast.'" (Lewis 127) The bear was completely wild and was not friendly.

 

Even Aslan, the Creator of Narnia, was beginning to disappear out of Narnian minds as the real lion but instead was evolving into a myth. Because of this, Trumpkin did not believe in Aslan's existence.

"He'd be a pretty elderly lion by now," said Trumpkin, "if he's one you knew when you were here before! And if it could be the same one, what's to prevent him having wild and witless like so many others?" (Lewis 374)

Trumpkin did not understand how magical Aslan was and thought Aslan would have grown old and died long before then, if he had ever been real.

 

Narnia changed because the Talking Beasts did not listen to Aslan's warning. The trees went to sleep, the animals went dumb, and the belief in Aslan faded.

Edited December 3, 2010 by 8FillTheHeart

[swimmermom3]

8Filltheheart, please thank your daughter for sharing. You both have every reason to be proud of this essay. I typically don't have my kids utilize supporting quotes until they have a few more essays for practice in their portfolio so it is exciting to see how well your dd kept her organization in tact and was able to support it at the same time.

 

I appreciate when you give specifics as it helps me visualize the end goals that you mention in your posts. Thank you!

[Kfamily]

Yes, please thank your dd for sharing her essay and tell her how much I enjoyed reading it.

 

 

 

I feel like I'm having a homeschool philosophy mid-way crisis!:D I'm almost ready to let go of all my crutches and fears and dive into a new vision. I greatly admire the methods you use to teach writing, and your methods for teaching in general. Thank you for sharing this.

[Capt_Uhura]

8FillstheHeart - Thank you so much! Please tell your DD thank you for sharing! Wonderful job! WOW!

[Free Indeed]

Thank you for sharing. I really enjoy your wisdom and insight. :001_smile:

[justamouse]

She rocks!