Teaching boys how to deal with their emotions

[PhunandFonics]

I have three great kids, but frankly one of them wears me out. I have three kids and the middle one is an 11 yr old boy that wears his heart on his sleeve. This is nothing new and I've always struggled with how to help this one. He is emotional on a daily basis and the entire family has grown weary of dealing with his drama. There is rarely a day that goes by that we don't have tears of one sort or another. Some days they are justified, but most of the time they are not.

 

This week his tears have completely taken over our morning twice and affected what we've been able to accomplish for the morning. I have got to a find a way to teach him not to let it "all hang out" and get his emotions under control. Multiple times a day he has outbursts so that everyone in the house knows he's unhappy about something. It could be that his sister touched him, could be a spider, could be that he spilled something, or it could be that he's bleeding to death. The problem is that everything is at the level of bleeding to death, which is just NOT acceptable. If he's not in tears, he's yelling. He has so much going for him, but he prefers to see himself as the victim. A good deal of it is just pure manipulation and we are careful to make sure we don't give in to that. But it doesn't diminish the fact that he's constantly trying to get attention over something. We work hard to spend time with each of our kids and make sure that no one feels left out. I'm wondering if that's backfired on us?

 

I need ideas here. Books, suggestions, lay it on me!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Put him on a good vitamin B complex (good for stress and really helps my ds13 with his emotions).

 

I give him Calms Forte or Rescue Remedy when he's really lost it. Both are homeopathic type things that help calm him down.

 

Exercise - regular and hard exercise every day for at least an hour.

 

Protein at each meal and snack. My emotional boy has a tendency to low bloodsugar which triggers being out of control emotionally.

 

I watch for signs that he's starting to ramp it up and I am proactive then. I tell him to take a step back, to do deep breathing and to use his words to solve his problems. This has been a long journey - I mean over years but I saw babysteps in his maturity over the years. Now at 13 he/we've got a better handle on this most days.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

My youngest is like this and how ironic that AS I WAS READING YOUR THREAD she had a meltdown.......over pink paint.

 

I'll be reading this thread with interest. She's four and I foresee a loooooong pre-pubescent and adolescent stage. :glare:

[Corraleno]

I think a lot of overly-emotional kids who get accused of "manipulation" really have biochemical issues, like low serotonin, hyper-sensitivity to sugar, etc. (I'm one of them, and so is my DS12.) Cutting out sugar/simple carbs and eating lots of protein; taking fish oil, D3, & a good multivitamin with plenty of calcium & magnesium; getting as much exercise and outdoor time (sunshine) as possible; and making sure they get plenty of sleep, can all make a huge difference.

 

IME, treating highly emotional kids as if they're just being brats only increases their anxiety levels and makes things worse. Staying calm, providing comfort without rewarding the drama, and helping a child learn coping mechanisms (taking 10 deep breaths, rating the issue on a scale of 1-10, saying 3 times "this is not a big deal, this is not a big deal...," etc.) are what helps around here.

 

Jackie

[PhunandFonics]

Just to clarify things a bit, we have spent YEARS trying to be calm and patient. I've never once thought of my son as a "brat" at all. We are just really at the point where after years we just don't know what else to do. He is as miserable as we are most of the time.

 

As for manipulation, I think there are definitely two camps of people. The more sensitive kind and the tough no-nonsense kind. In our family my husband is one and I am the other. We *both* see many of his outbursts clearly as his way of trying to get his way. He puts himself in the victim role over and over... and when we see others give in to his demands he's as happy a clam. And when it's time to suck up the tears he can turn it off like a switch. He will cry crocodile tears so he can go first, get the biggest slice of pizza, or push buttons so he can ride in the front seat. Imbalance is one thing... getting his way is another thing.

 

My goal is to find something for ME so I can teach him how to deal with his emotions. I'm tapped out completely and dealing with this day in and day out has all of us on the edge. He needs this as much as we do!

[Amy+2]

Just curious as to whether or not you have read Dr. Kevin Leman's book on Birth Order. Sounds to me as if you have a smart Middle Child who is learning how to become a martyr and make the rules bend "his" way...;)

[justamouse]

What Jean said and what Coralleno said.

 

11 is a hard year, to boot. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Sophia]

We *both* see many of his outbursts clearly as his way of trying to get his way. He puts himself in the victim role over and over... and when we see others give in to his demands he's as happy a clam. And when it's time to suck up the tears he can turn it off like a switch. He will cry crocodile tears so he can go first, get the biggest slice of pizza, or push buttons so he can ride in the front seat. Imbalance is one thing... getting his way is another thing.

 

Well it sounds like he's been rewarded enough so that it would not be in his best interests to stop this behavior now, lol!

What sort of consequences is he getting for outbursts? For sanity's sake, how about a poster on the fridge stating his consequence for tantrums, and when he starts, point to it and say "You know what to do."

I'd probably have a list like Wash your face, take a deep breath, count your blessings, and GET A GRIP :001_smile:. Come find me when you're done. Love, Mom.

[rwilliams]

I stopped my son from all of his "drama" as I call it by simply stating in a no nonsense voice "Stop the Drama!" followed by going to his room until he could get control. Once I decided that I wanted to teach him self-control over his emotions, I stopped rewarding all excess in emotion and instead rewarded self-control. I used going to his room until he had control mostly and then would give him attention when he came out and could talk it out if needed. I am really happy with his self-control now. I just changed my thinking from wanting him to express himself and all his emotions to thinking that self-control would serve him better in life. It took a few years and some maturity but at age 9 now he is great with it.

[4them]

I don't give the dramatic ones an audience anymore. When they become unreasonable or overly emotional I calmly tell them to go to their bed until they are ready to stop crying/being angry/etc. When they can control their emotions they are welcome to come back & talk about what upset them & join the family again. This is what works here to diffuse the situation & self-control is slowly improving (yay!).

[Peela]

Well...I have one who is very emotional (my boy) and in his case...I think he is just very emotional AND he will use it to manipulate, for sure. But he also has taken a long time to mature and grow up. At 15...well, the last 6 months have seen a HUGE change in his personality. He has really matured, has a beautiful girlfriend, and has demonstrated that he knows how to behave very well for other people (which is I guess a good thing but I wouldnt mind seeing more of it at home).

 

But this kid will melt down and have a hissy fit over anything.

 

THere are so many times I have sent him to his room in order to take some space from him-- when I get upset with his getting upset.

But when I am patient Mummy , what I have found is that he responds REALLY well to be listened to. He has a huge sense of injustice (mostly about himself) and it gets triggered easily. Even though he seems to be being completely unreasonable to everyone else....to himself, he is not. When I stop and listen and hear his point of view, really listen to how he is seeing things...I can see why he is upset- in his own eyes (even if I dont agree with his reasoning). Often, just listening to him is enough. It diffuses his upset- often the issue just disappears- or at least he can then hear my perspective.

 

Kids really need to be heard, not dismissed, even when they are seeming to be really unreasonable. At least, it's worth a try. A middle child is classically getting less attention just by virtue of their birth order. Spending that time to really just listen to him might disarm him and take away his reason to go for so much negative attention.

[RamonaQ]

I don't give the dramatic ones an audience anymore. When they become unreasonable or overly emotional I calmly tell them to go to their bed until they are ready to stop crying/being angry/etc. When they can control their emotions they are welcome to come back & talk about what upset them & join the family again. This is what works here to diffuse the situation & self-control is slowly improving (yay!).

 

:iagree:. The child will be heard, eventually, but it is not fair for that child to completely take over the family with the emotions. The other thing we have been working with has been finding additional outlets to vent-- writing in a journal is our latest idea.

 

I think about this in terms of myself too. If I am upset, I don't put our family at a stand-still while I run out and talk/ cry to my best friend, and thus making her stop everything-- I have to wait till a good time and when she is available. I have to press-on until there is an appropriate time to vent. Likewise, if I am having a hard time, I can make sure the kids are occupied, and then I take a brake, in my room by myself.

[PhunandFonics]

I really appreciate all the wonderful suggestions! Honestly many of them aren't really new, but good reminders of how to be a 'good' parent, because honestly lately I've just been tired and sometimes we all get to that place.

 

Peela, I think you are right, he does just want to be heard. Hearing about your 15 yr old is enlightening. I come from a family of two and honestly for years thought this middle child stuff was just a myth.

 

A good friend also helped me realize that my 11 yr old is dealing with a lot of changes this year because his older brother went off to school this year. A big change in the family dynamics! My oldest is having an exceptional year so far and the 11 yr old gets to hear that over and over. They are so different and yet everyone keeps asking him if he might go off to this school in a couple years. Then he also learned that his best friend will likely go to this school. Not that these things have been the start of this behavior, but it certainly explains why he had such a bad week!