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Some of our rules are: I have her password, she has to have dh and I as friends (she also has my mom, my brothers and sister, my SIL... by her own choice) and she can only friend people that she knows in real life.

 

ETA: I forgot her page and pictures are private, can only be seen by friends (and I check every time facebook makes changes to the settings).

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They use my computer to facebook, so they can't be on for hours. I think their time limit is 20 minutes (a day). They don't abuse it so I don't actually time them.

 

And I have to be their friend.

 

Oh, and if I or dad read something they posted that sounds at all suggestive, they have to remove it immediately. There was a flair that said something about riding a cowboy. It was so long ago I don't really remember what it said. The child in question saw absolutely nothing wrong with it (the wonderful innocence they have!) but since dh and I both went to the sexual connotation, she had to delete it.

 

There may be more. I know people who tie them to grades. My kids do well in school anyway so I don't.

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They must use the proper privacy settings so that only friends are able to see their profiles.

 

Their friends must be people they know, not friends of friends.

 

They are not to write or post anything inappropriate.

 

I have their passwords and can see what they are posting.

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~I have the passwords

 

~I set the privacy settings

 

~They can be friends with friends of friends...ONLY if original friend knows them in real life (ie...they have to be a real flesh and blood friend, not someone they met online.) We are military...which is why we are a little more lenient on this issue.

 

~They must be friends with me

 

~I (or their father) can and do check their accounts periodically to keep tabs on what is going on. This is for their safety, and if they do not like it...they don't have to have an account.

 

~They have to ask before getting on, and they are given a time limit.

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I have the password.

 

She only friends people she knows in real life.

 

She checks with me before friending anyone.

 

All her privacy settings are set to friends only.

 

I go on my daughters facebook account all the time to make sure no one has posted anything inappropriate (only happened once).

 

The main reason my daughter goes on is to play farmville and restaurant city. I think the fascination with facebook wears off fast.

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Some of our rules are: I have her password, she has to have dh and I as friends (she also has my mom, my brothers and sister, my SIL... by her own choice) and she can only friend people that she knows in real life.

 

ETA: I forgot her page and pictures are private, can only be seen by friends (and I check every time facebook makes changes to the settings).

 

These are our rules as well.

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They must use the proper privacy settings so that only friends are able to see their profiles.

 

Their friends must be people they know, not friends of friends.

 

 

 

I don't have one old enough yet for FB - my oldest is 10. So take this with a grain of salt, if you prefer.

 

When I was a teen, I met people online - this was before the internet. I dialed directly into "chat rooms" and talked with both people I knew and met new people. That was part of the draw - meeting new people. One chat room was students only and was heavily monitored (in order to get an account you had to have a letter from a school administrator), but not the other ones.

I met IRL some of the people I met online. One of those people I am friends with again on FB. Some of those who met online are really good friends IRL years later.

 

Now, my folks didn't really know what I was doing online as far as what words I was typing (my dad was very familiar with bulletin boards, as he used them for work, so he was familiar with the format), but they did not have me on a long leash, either. They knew what I was doing and where I was going, and who I was going with. But they also allowed me the freedom to make new friends, which I was glad for. I was glad for the opportunity to meet people outside of our town.

 

While I understand the desire to protect our children from the evils of the world, I desire to also encourage my children to be able to meet new people, to desire new experiences, to desire to broaden their world. I believe that the internet CAN be a safe way to do that. Yes, there needs to be rules, and yes, there needs to be oversight, but I would rather not limit their safe online experiences, and to be able to walk with them to teach them what those are.

 

You all on here are participating in this online world here. You do so safely. What rules do you follow yourself? You talk with people around the world that you have never met IRL. Your horizons are broadened by it. Why would you not want to offer a similar opportunity to your teen?

 

Just my 2 cents.

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You talk with people around the world that you have never met IRL. Your horizons are broadened by it. Why would you not want to offer a similar opportunity to your teen?

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

For me, it is because I have the life experience to see trouble coming and I know and understand how to handle it when it gets here. I did not have that experience when I was a teen...and it is only by the grace of God, that something bad did not happen.

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Some of our rules are: I have her password, she has to have dh and I as friends (she also has my mom, my brothers and sister, my SIL... by her own choice) and she can only friend people that she knows in real life.

 

ETA: I forgot her page and pictures are private, can only be seen by friends (and I check every time facebook makes changes to the settings).

 

These are our guidelines also.

THe kids have many, many friends through the Scouting movement as well as gymnastics and homeschooling. Hundreds- that they know in real life.

What has happened is...both kids have changed their settings at times so that dh and I couldnt read their posts. We discovered it and made them change back. We do watch what they write- and some of it is rather...savoury, in our son's case. He doesnt like that we see it. Swearing happens. Stupid teenage stuff happens.

On our part,....we do not comment on anything to the kids unless we feel there is something dangerous going on. (such as recently, some incredibly beautiful photos were posted of our son doing a backflip off a cliff into the ocean. Umm. No. Lets talk about that one- we didnt realise you were doing THAT at the beach the other day!). As far as the teenage language and messing around goes...we leave it be. Its their space to be teenagers.

 

And because we are like that....many of the kids' friends also are now our FB friends. So we even hear about the car rear ends, the hangovers, the relationships...the stuff teens talk to each other about when they forget adults are watching :). We were teens too once. But we like to stay in touch with our kids' social group so we prefer to sit back and watch and mostly stay out of it all.

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My dd is 13 yrs. old today and is asking about having her own FB account. I am considering it, but want to give her some guidelines. Would anyone share with me the stipulations they put on their teen's FB account?
I don't have hard and fast rules, and yet, my standards are far more stringent than the norm, I think. I had my oldest wait until high school before he set up a FB account. I'm not on FB, but I know his password and he's aware I can pop on to his account any time I want (which I do, randomly, now & then).

 

He was very into FB when he first established an account, last year as a freshman. He very quickly realized it didn't serve a great purpose & that he'd rather spend his time doing real life. He's busy with school and sports and FB is an aside. My other boys pick up on that. My second son will turn 13 in a couple of weeks and has expressed little interest in a FB account. I wouldn't let him set one up now, anyway.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You all on here are participating in this online world here. You do so safely. What rules do you follow yourself? You talk with people around the world that you have never met IRL. Your horizons are broadened by it. Why would you not want to offer a similar opportunity to your teen?

 

 

 

Can you believe I just saw this and feel the need to respond? :D

 

FB is quite different from a forum such as this or a chatroom. Have you actually seen the pages? They are very personalized with full names, schools, towns, pictures, etc. Way more information than is available here. Yes, I divulge some personal info here, but I'm also 51 years old and not likely to attract the attention of some random perv. People with bad intent are known to troll sites like Myspace and FB looking for kids who share too much. The "friends" feature keeps strangers at a distance. I would encourage you to have your child utilize it when the time comes, but of course it's your call. :)

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Can you believe I just saw this and feel the need to respond? :D

 

FB is quite different from a forum such as this or a chatroom. Have you actually seen the pages? They are very personalized with full names, schools, towns, pictures, etc. Way more information than is available here. Yes, I divulge some personal info here, but I'm also 51 years old and not likely to attract the attention of some random perv. People with bad intent are known to troll sites like Myspace and FB looking for kids who share too much. The "friends" feature keeps strangers at a distance. I would encourage you to have your child utilize it when the time comes, but of course it's your call. :)

 

I've had my own FB page for 3 years. So thanks for your concern.

I think one of the most important lessons I can teach my children is regarding internet safety. To do that I can't have too many restrictions on them, but do have a continuous active dialogue with them. :001_smile:

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I'm about ready to close down my dd16's FB page because she keeps abusing the rules we created, which are:

 

1) We must have her password and be her friends.

 

2) She can only be friends with people she knows in real life (no friends of friends or so-and-so's 20-year-old male cousin!!).

 

3) She cannot be friends with adults we don't know.

 

4) She cannot post anything sexually suggestive or mean. (For some reason, our daughter is really into taking psuedo-sexy, duck-lips type pictures. Every picture she posts must now be approved by both mom AND dad because she seems unable to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate).

 

I really should know by now that if I have reservations about something, it's for a reason. Every time I give my dd some rope, she promptly hangs herself. *sigh*

 

Tara

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I'm about ready to close down my dd16's FB page because she keeps abusing the rules we created, which are:

 

1) We must have her password and be her friends.

 

2) She can only be friends with people she knows in real life (no friends of friends or so-and-so's 20-year-old male cousin!!).

 

3) She cannot be friends with adults we don't know.

 

4) She cannot post anything sexually suggestive or mean. (For some reason, our daughter is really into taking psuedo-sexy, duck-lips type pictures. Every picture she posts must now be approved by both mom AND dad because she seems unable to distinguish between appropriate and inappropriate).

 

I really should know by now that if I have reservations about something, it's for a reason. Every time I give my dd some rope, she promptly hangs herself. *sigh*

 

Tara

 

This is what I mean. Yes, they hang themselves, but isn't it better for them to do that WITH SUPERVISION, while they are still under your roof? If we limit too much, how/when are they able to play with those lines of appropriate/inappropriate?

I want them to have the opportunities to screw up when I can still be a major influence, and be there to catch them. Not that I wish for screw-ups, but I know that my kids aren't perfect - and neither am I.

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Yes, they hang themselves, but isn't it better for them to do that WITH SUPERVISION, while they are still under your roof?

 

Yes, that's true, and I agree. But after four separate conversations with my daughter about duck-lips pictures and having 20-year-old guys that she doesn't know as friends on her page, I feel like we have reached and breached her limit. It's become less of a teaching opportunity and more of a deliberate breaking of the rules at this point. We told her the next time it happens, bye-bye Facebook.

 

Tara

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Just beware that in the privacy setting under "friends" for any given area, she (or you) can block specific people. Meaning...she can "hide" from you as her friend...if she is that computer savvy;)

 

Definately have her password...so you can monitor if she has adjusted her privacy setting.

 

This is also a good thing in sticky teenage drama situations. She can hide her account without totally deleted a friend who is not being appropriate, or you can hide the posts of someone who regularly posts inappropriate things.

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the kids are not allowed to refer to ANYONE by their full name, as in, "we went to so-and-so's house". First names only, even if they only are friends w/ kids they know in real life.

 

Also, I frequently remind my kids that anything they put one fb, even if removed, is still possibly on their forever. And that when they want a job, assume automatically that anyone hiring will be able to see every fb post they have ever made.

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Don't have teens...but I was a teen not too long ago, so this is based on what I would do based on my experience. :D

 

When I was late 13, 14, 15, I spent a lot of time on online chat rooms, most connected with a Harry Potter website, where people talked about all kinds of things (all G or PG rated). My parents knew about it, and I really enjoyed it, though in hindsight, I would not want my kids having quite as much freedom as I did. I understood the dangers of the Internet fairly well, also, which not all young teens do!!

 

The dangers of the Internet are a big issue. The first thing I would do with Facebook is make *SURE* that EVERYTHING on my kid's profile is set to friends only, at the very least. I would also make clear that Facebook is NOT for "meeting people" -- it is for connecting with people we know already in real life. I would strongly emphasize possible dangers of putting too much information online, as well as talking about what others have mentioned -- this stuff may or may not ever be deleted even if you delete it, if it is online it could theoretically be seen by people you don't want seeing it (though privacy settings can for the most part be trusted). Also, not everyone has to see everything -- maybe she can post photos that only her closest friends can see, instead of her whole friends list. I would probably restrict what sort of photos my teen could post (e.g. family photos would need to be protected more...not to mention, of course, inappropriate photos are completely out), as well as keep track of who she became friends with. And yes, I think I would want the password..for a thirteen year old. As my child got older and showed responsibility I would turn the password over to her, but I would still want to be her Facebook friend.

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Don't have teens...but I was a teen not too long ago, so this is based on what I would do based on my experience. :D

 

When I was late 13, 14, 15, I spent a lot of time on online chat rooms, most connected with a Harry Potter website, where people talked about all kinds of things (all G or PG rated). My parents knew about it, and I really enjoyed it, though in hindsight, I would not want my kids having quite as much freedom as I did. I understood the dangers of the Internet fairly well, also, which not all young teens do!!

 

....

 

Hannah, out of curiosity, it sounds like you feel you had too much freedom online. May I ask you to elaborate?

I stated previously that I also spent some time in chatrooms, and had a lot of freedom. (However, keep in mind this was 1989-1993.) I learned a lot, and when in college wasn't focused on the newfound internet as many of my peers were, as I had already BTDT. I felt my experience really helped me.

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Hannah, out of curiosity, it sounds like you feel you had too much freedom online. May I ask you to elaborate?

I stated previously that I also spent some time in chatrooms, and had a lot of freedom. (However, keep in mind this was 1989-1993.) I learned a lot, and when in college wasn't focused on the newfound internet as many of my peers were, as I had already BTDT. I felt my experience really helped me.

 

Well, my experience was in 2003-2005, for reference purposes. Honestly, those chat rooms are why I can type as fast as I can, which has been *incredibly* useful in school and college. I feel like I had a lot of good experiences and had my horizons widened in very useful ways. Overall the experience *was* positive! However, I look back on some of what I did, and some of what I told my parents about, and think that maybe some of it wasn't such a good idea for me after all! I came to realize later that some of the events which were supposedly happening in people's real lives may not have been happening, for example, but at the time I was too young to understand that. This didn't cause me any harm, thankfully. I also became perhaps too emotionally involved in the chat rooms in general. I was allowed to talk on the phone with a couple of people I met in the chat room (after time had elapsed, and after my parents talked with the other person's parents) and ended up striking up a young-love relationship with a boy who was less than a year older than me. We got quite emotionally involved, and when my parents realized it they put a stop to it, which in retrospect *was* a good thing! (At the time, it was awful for me, of course, and I'm sure for them as well.) More monitoring, however, would have meant it was caught earlier and less drama would have resulted. In other words, the situation would have been better. As it happened, however, it was not horrible. I was not traumatized.

 

My parents gave me a lot of freedom and placed a lot of trust in me, and while I don't think I *misused* their trust (from what I remember...), I do think that the level of freedom I was given was perhaps too much for a 13-15 year old, and more monitoring of my chat activities/more restrictions on time/etc. would have been helpful. (I think simply time restrictions might have been enough.) At one point I was not allowed to go on chat for a while because of some negative actions/behaviors, which ended up being very beneficial and in hindsight I'm glad for it. (Though I hated it at the time, of course.) I think that more monitoring before that happened would have been good...more of a progression from lots of monitoring to little to no monitoring as I grew older, instead of little to no monitoring until I showed that I needed to be restrained. This isn't to say that I think my parents made poor choices, by any means..just that, in all my been-there-done-that-was-that-kid wisdom, I would do things differently with my own kids. And I do think that the level of freedom I was given in my later teens was perfect--for me, at least. By the time I was 15 I was really quite responsible..which must be how I passed up (almost) all the opportunities I had to do really stupid things when I was in high school. :D Yay for being able to resist peer pressure.

Edited by Hannah C.
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Well, my experience was in 2003-2005, for reference purposes. Honestly, those chat rooms are why I can type as fast as I can, which has been *incredibly* useful in school and college. I feel like I had a lot of good experiences and had my horizons widened in very useful ways. Overall the experience *was* positive! However, I look back on some of what I did, and some of what I told my parents about, and think that maybe some of it wasn't such a good idea for me after all! I came to realize later that some of the events which were supposedly happening in people's real lives may not have been happening, for example, but at the time I was too young to understand that. This didn't cause me any harm, thankfully. I also became perhaps too emotionally involved in the chat rooms in general. I was allowed to talk on the phone with a couple of people I met in the chat room (after time had elapsed, and after my parents talked with the other person's parents) and ended up striking up a young-love relationship with a boy who was less than a year older than me. We got quite emotionally involved, and when my parents realized it they put a stop to it, which in retrospect *was* a good thing! (At the time, it was awful for me, of course, and I'm sure for them as well.) More monitoring, however, would have meant it was caught earlier and less drama would have resulted. In other words, the situation would have been better. As it happened, however, it was not horrible. I was not traumatized.

 

My parents gave me a lot of freedom and placed a lot of trust in me, and while I don't think I *misused* their trust (from what I remember...), I do think that the level of freedom I was given was perhaps too much for a 13-15 year old, and more monitoring of my chat activities/more restrictions on time/etc. would have been helpful. (I think simply time restrictions might have been enough.) At one point I was not allowed to go on chat for a while because of some negative actions/behaviors, which ended up being very beneficial and in hindsight I'm glad for it. (Though I hated it at the time, of course.) I think that more monitoring before that happened would have been good...more of a progression from lots of monitoring to little to no monitoring as I grew older, instead of little to no monitoring until I showed that I needed to be restrained. This isn't to say that I think my parents made poor choices, by any means..just that, in all my been-there-done-that-was-that-kid wisdom, I would do things differently with my own kids. And I do think that the level of freedom I was given in my later teens was perfect--for me, at least. By the time I was 15 I was really quite responsible..which must be how I passed up (almost) all the opportunities I had to do really stupid things when I was in high school. :D Yay for being able to resist peer pressure.

 

Thank you for sharing!

 

I have to completely agree with you on the bolded part. I had no monitoring by my parents related to computer time - however it is not at all comparable to the present online opportunities. Our computer was actually in a very private location in our home, which allowed me even more freedom than I should have had. Yes, I made some stupid mistakes - luckily none of them ended poorly. I think additional oversight would have possibly prevented some of those mistakes, but I also feel that some of that freedom was very valuable to me as well. It's a hard balance - for teens and for parents.

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Yes, I made some stupid mistakes - luckily none of them ended poorly.

 

And that's really the bottom-line, isn't it? That it came down to luck. I drove drunk, too, but "luckily" never had an accident. I won't encourage my kids to do so, hoping luck prevails.

 

You seem to be intent on proving that allowing early freedom is the best way to protect your children. I think it's easy to say that when your eldest is years away from the situation. I do really hope it all works out the way you wish, though. Sincerely I do.

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Some of our rules are: I have her password, she has to have dh and I as friends (she also has my mom, my brothers and sister, my SIL... by her own choice) and she can only friend people that she knows in real life.

 

ETA: I forgot her page and pictures are private, can only be seen by friends (and I check every time facebook makes changes to the settings).

 

 

These are good rules. Just keep in mind that with fb chatting and inbox messaging, your child can converse with peers and then delete before you get a chance to see. I think sometimes having the password can lull us into a false sense of security.

 

The internet (and texting) provides our children (and us) an opportunity to say things they might not normally say to friends and family in a face to face situation. It should be monitored -- like the duck lips thing. (That totally cracks me up, BTW. I have a FB friend from high school that has about 15 duck lips profile pics. Never heard it referred to as duck lips. LOL.) I've said it many times before here, but this is a totally different world our kids are growing up in. A chat room is not the same as FB. These are people you do know or that you can find you easily in real life. And you may say something in the moment you don't necessarily mean, but it's there in black and white and can be shared with friends of friends of friends.

 

Parenting job #1 is to guide our kids, not ignore them until they are fully grown.

 

Margaret

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And that's really the bottom-line, isn't it? That it came down to luck. I drove drunk, too, but "luckily" never had an accident. I won't encourage my kids to do so, hoping luck prevails.

 

You seem to be intent on proving that allowing early freedom is the best way to protect your children. I think it's easy to say that when your eldest is years away from the situation. I do really hope it all works out the way you wish, though. Sincerely I do.

 

Wow, I think you are completely misunderstanding me! I am not saying I would encourage a child of mine (or anyone) to do something life-threateningly dangerous. I am saying that every teen I have ever known (including the hundreds I have counseled) has wanted some feeling of control in their lives. I am not naive to believe that my own children won't make mistakes in their lives, especially in their teen years. It is my opinion that the more opportunity they have to make supervised decisions in their teen years, the more qualified they will to make wise decisions for themselves when they are more independent.

You have another opinion - that is fine, and I respect that. The OP asked for opinions, and with a board this big there are bound to be many differing opinions, as well as a wide variety of experiences. Please don't assume that you know me, or my experiences.

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You have another opinion - that is fine, and I respect that. The OP asked for opinions, and with a board this big there are bound to be many differing opinions, as well as a wide variety of experiences. Please don't assume that you know me, or my experiences.

 

I think you've described your experiences and feelings very clearly here. As far as differing opinions and being open to them, you are the one who "challenged" everyone who said they were going to limit their kids' interactions. I think we all expect to give our teens some control, however most people here expressed the opinion that the internet is not the safest place to give a young teen free rein with regard to "friends." That was the point.

 

I respect your opinion as well, and, as I said, I hope everything works out the way you wish. Take care.

Edited by Mejane
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My 15 yo has had an account for a year or so. We have her password and she knows we can check her account at any point. (I am on FB, too, so she is my friend and I can see her wall without doing this.) She is allowed to be friends only with people she knows in real life. Any inappropriateness and it goes away.

 

She is a good and responsible teen so I have only rarely (at the beginning) checked her account. Although she could be sending inappropriate messages and deleting them, but I really don't think that is the case.

 

FB is a huge, overwhelming community at first so I think the guidelines helped her to get her feet under her at the beginning, when it was exciting and new.

 

If I really want to "get her", I write on her wall or status. She finds this to be super embarrassing.:D

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This is what I mean. Yes, they hang themselves, but isn't it better for them to do that WITH SUPERVISION, while they are still under your roof? If we limit too much, how/when are they able to play with those lines of appropriate/inappropriate?

I want them to have the opportunities to screw up when I can still be a major influence, and be there to catch them. Not that I wish for screw-ups, but I know that my kids aren't perfect - and neither am I.

 

I agree with you here. That is why my dd has a FB account with some restrictions.

 

Forgot to add that her page and pictures are only visible to friends. Her page is set on the tightest privacy settings available.

Edited by texasmama
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  • 3 months later...
We told her the next time it happens, bye-bye Facebook.

 

 

And Facebook just went bye-bye for dd16. We told her more than once to knock off the pseudo-sexy, duck-lips pictures. Today she decided that cropping her bff out of the picture and flipping the image so that she's facing the other direction (even though she's still got duck lips and her chest is thrust out) means it's a *different* picture than the one we specifically told her not to post.

 

Seriously? I love my dd, but is she that dumb? Or did she think we wouldn't find out? Or did she just not care about losing her fb account?

 

I honestly don't get it.

 

Tara

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We have had to block many friends on dd's fb page not only because of inappropriate content that they posted, but then she could also see what her friends friends were posting. I was shocked to find out what some of the kids of families that we thought were "good" were saying.:001_huh:

 

I think the most important lesson that I tell my dd is that she needs to work hard to protect her online reputation. She will be applying to college in a few years and for jobs before or after that. All of this stuff has the potential to follow her. We also tell her that what she writes is a reflection on not only herself, but the family. Yes, I know a bit of shame and guilt. I remember when growing up my parents told us kids that we could do what we wanted, just don't get our name in the paper (we lived in a small town that published everything happening around town). This was always in the back of my mind when I was about to do something with potential to end up in the "police reports" section. In some ways facebook is the new community newspaper, but now our family across the world can see it.

 

 

Lesley

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