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A very delicate question about a troubling situation


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My sister just called very upset and doesn't know what to do. I didn't really know what to tell her either so I told her I'd come her and ask.

 

A few weeks ago my sister was getting her little boy (18mos) out of the bath and he was naked except for a towel. Her daughter (6 yo) was in the bathroom and just reached over and grabbed his privates. My sister feels bad but she freaked out. She told my niece that you never touched someone like that and that it was inappropriate and so on. Basically gave her the "you don't let people touch you and you don't touch other people's privates" talk. She asked me about it and I tried to calm her down telling her that I'd heard about kids doing strange things like that before and not to worry. I didn't think that it meant my niece had been molested or that she was a pervert.

 

Tonight she calls me even more upset. She put both of the kids in the bath and turned around to get some towels out of the closet. When she turns around my niece makes a sudden move and acts strange. My sister asks her if she touched her brother's privates and she said that she had. My sister is devestated. She doesn't know why her daughter would do this again. She had another talk and asked her if anyone had touched her inappropriately and she said no. She asked her why she would touch her brother and she doesn't know why she did it. She once again gave her a talk about not touching other people and how when people are inappropriately touched like that it can make them to grow up and be very sad. I don't know her exact words but the way she explained it to me it was pretty much like that. She doesn't think she did a great job because my niece was upset afterwards.

 

My sister is really disturbed by all of this. She confided to me that she can't even really look at her daughter tonight. She just feels really icky about the whole situation and doesn't know what to do.

 

Any advice? I don't think my niece has been molested - it's possible but I think highly unlikely. My guess is that she's just being curious but that doesn't make it right. What should my sister do to get this to stop? How to deal with this? Help!

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

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Honestly I think the 6yo girl is being inquisitive, which is COMPLETELY NORMAL. :grouphug: She realizes there is a difference between girls and boys, yet isn't quite sure how that thing over there on her brother works, since she doesn't have one.

:iagree::iagree:

 

 

Nothing wrong with it, just normal. He has one, I don't, what is that thing and what does it do?

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3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

:iagree: I'm guessing it's the extra drama from the first time that led her to do it again. Sounds like she was curious. Then she got this HUGE reaction, so now she's testing boundaries, trying to figure it all out. Totally normal.

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Well, in the absence of other evidence, I'd say she's just curious. After all, those things are pretty weird looking to a 6 yo girl.

 

Your niece is too old to be bathing with her little brother anyway. She needs to start being taught about privacy and while she may still be young enough to need help in the bath, that doesn't mean that she needs to bathe with her brother.

 

Your sister can watch for other signs or more aggressive behaviors but I've found that kids in this age range are just plain curious. Maybe a nice general mommy daughter talk about the difference between boys and girls and "how those goofy looking things work" might do the trick.

 

Faith

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

:iagree: She's curious and impulsive. She simply needs boundaries set including not being in these situations anymore (aka bathing and in the bathroom together) and mom needs to stay calm and not over react (yes, I know that is easier said than done, but it's important).

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First and most obviously, it is time for them to stop bathing together. Personally, I think people today are a bit too uptight about kids touching each other. She is curious. I would do an age appropriate biology lesson about what the parts are to try to diffuse a little of the curiosity. It won't keep her from wondering what it feels like, but it is really about all you can do. I wouldn't get too upset about it. I certainly wouldn't try to make her feel guilty about her curiosity. If it were me, I would have just restated that she is not supposed to touch areas that are covered by undies.

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Your sister should not bathe them together anymore, nor have the toddler nekkid around his sister at least for a while. She should not be in the room when bro is being diapered, etc. She did tell the truth about grabbing, so that is good. Just deny her the opportunity.

 

Kids can be very curious and it may have felt "interesting" to her to grab. If I were the mom, I would say that even though he is a toddler, he deserves respect and that mom will see to it that she puts up boundaries so that dd respects her brother.

 

If your sister is worried about her son--he is a toddler. This will not affect him anymore than the wipedown that happens with a really poopy diaper. If her were to be stimulated, etc. repeatedly that could affect him, yes-but a grab or two--no.

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Honestly I think the 6yo girl is being inquisitive, which is COMPLETELY NORMAL. :grouphug: She realizes there is a difference between girls and boys, yet isn't quite sure how that thing over there on her brother works, since she doesn't have one.

 

:iagree: Just curiosity, very normal. Everyone needs to calm down, have a little talk, and separate baths from now on. Easy peasy.

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Just reading this thread to my sister. She's relieved that she doesn't have to start looking for a psychiatrist in the morning. Thanks for all the quick replies. I knew I could count on you guys!

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

 

:iagree:

I think the more the mom overreacts, the more curious the girl may become. This would be a good time to have a frank discussion about parts and why things are different. More knowledge = less curiosity. :grouphug:

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Kids are curious. This wouldn't trouble me. A calm talk about private parts is fine. There are some good, age appropriate books to talk about that subject that might be good. I think your sister needs a plan in case this happens again so she can respond with calmness. If she can't be calm/this is extremely emotional for her maybe she should have a plan to distract or swoop him up and sing a song or whatever and then address it later when she can do it without overreacting.

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It might be time for a book or two that explains the difference with pictures and age-appropriate information. I like It's So Amazing by Harris and Emberley. It's pretty frank, but uses kid-appropriate language and covers Ok and not-Ok touching.

 

For what it's worth, I found it easier to talk about this stuff with a book than without one. And the pictures really are worth a thousand words.

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

 

 

:iagree: Personally, I would have stopped bathing them together around age 4-5, and certainly after the first inappropriate touching incident. BUT, an overly dramatic reaction, and not being able to look at her daughter, is not what is called for here.

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She's making a mountain out of a molehill. The first time the child touched her brother was probably pure curiosity and not being aware that it's inappropriate. The mother reacted by freaking out, so naturally the child thought this must be some exciting new games she'd discovered, and tried it again. Most kids I know have done something like that at one time or another. (A certain little girl actually tried to poke her finger into her brother's anus once! Because, hey, it's a hole, and holes are for inserting little fingers into. After removing her and washing her hands rather firmly, the mother needed several deep breaths before being able to react sensibly.) The near hysterical reaction is just mom putting an adult interpretation on a childish behavior. She needs to set clear boundaries, then follow through with whatever guidance/discipline she would normally use if a child fails to respect those boundaries. It might be necessary to avoid nudity and communal baths, at least until it blows over.

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I think your sis overreacted a bit (don't we all from time to time...:grouphug:) Since it makes your sister that uncomfortable I think she should consider bathing them separately from now on. If it were my daughter I would explain to her the differences between boy and girl private parts (an age appropriate book with illustrations would be quite helpful). I would remind her to keep her hands to herself in the future.

 

Your sister needs to tell her daughter that she has not done any long-term damage to her little brother though, as she may be feeling quite badly at this point about the whole ordeal.

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

 

:iagree: Excellent, sensible advice.

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:iagree: Just curiosity, very normal. Everyone needs to calm down, have a little talk, and separate baths from now on. Easy peasy.

 

I agree. She's six.

 

We are a very modest family though. No bathing or nudity around the opposite sex. I think it prevents having to deal with some of that, although I've caught my son occasionally strutting a little exhibitionist behavior. :lol: His Dad got on to him about how that isn't nice around the ladies.

 

We've always been open and honest with the kids about physical differences. I guess they have the knowledge without the daily visual reminder. LOL.

Super gently put...

 

I'm actually more concerned about your sister's worry over it. Only in the sense that I grew up in an abusive home and have to really talk myself down sometimes from worrying about what could happen. Her over-reaction may be more about a fear she is dealing with than anything else.

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We are not a modest family (:D), we do strut around naked in front of each other, and my kids will all hop in the shower and bath with each other or us. However, we talk about the privacy of body parts, and they know not to touch each other. Recently, my 21 mo DD walked in on my DS7 while he was peeing and I guess she must have reached out. I heard him gently explaining to her that his p&n!s is private and that no one is allowed to touch it without his permission, just like her v@g!n@. No trauma, no drama just a gentle lesson.

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Super gently put...

 

I'm actually more concerned about your sister's worry over it. Only in the sense that I grew up in an abusive home and have to really talk myself down sometimes from worrying about what could happen. Her over-reaction may be more about a fear she is dealing with than anything else.

 

Daisy, you said this so kindly and delicately. I wanted to, but couldn't seem to find the words. When I read the part about the OP's sister not being able to look at her daughter, well, I don't know what to say. My heart just ached.

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I haven't read further down to see if you replied with further information, but two things are jumping out at me here.

 

1. Has your niece ever seen male parts before? I'm thinking this was new and that the girl was very curious - which is totally normal. If it wasn't new and she's seen her brother all along, what she did at this age is normal.

 

2. After your sister talked with her dd, she ended up crying. I think that your sister jumped the gun and said too much. I'm suspecting your niece was crying because she felt bad after her mother told her that people who have their privates touched grow up to be sad, and she felt bad because she thought she would cause this in her brother.

 

At some point kids just get to an age where bathing with a sibling of the opposite sex is no longer the right thing to do. It's normal and it sounds like this is the right time for your sister to bathe the kids separately.

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Wow! I haven't read any of the other replies yet so that I wouldn't be influenced by them, but my immediate reaction is that it is your sister who is acting oddly. At 6 years old, I think it's perfectly normal for her to be curious about the parts her little brother has that she doesn't. Your sister's strong reaction just probably peaked her interest even further.

 

Lisa

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

 

:iagree: It really isn't a big deal. Totally normal behavior IMO. It's just time for a separate bath time.

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I don't think it's anything to worry about or even inappropriate. Your sister's initial (over?)reaction obviously sent the message that this was something interesting and forbidden, and the dd reacted accordingly. I wouldn't stop them bathing together, unless the behavior continued. I'd tell the girl how special her body is, and his, and how they're different and how interesting that is. It's OK to look, but each person is in charge of their own body.

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Calm down, it will be ok. I think the 6 year old has just found something that pushes Mommy's buttons big time and is doing it for that reason - and perhaps some curiosity.

 

1. Stop bathing them together.

 

2. Stop having them in the bathroom together.

 

3. 6 year old niece disobeyed her mom. Normal consequences for disobedience should be given. That's it. No extra drama.

 

:iagree: I'm guessing it's the extra drama from the first time that led her to do it again. Sounds like she was curious. Then she got this HUGE reaction, so now she's testing boundaries, trying to figure it all out. Totally normal.

 

:iagree: It really isn't a big deal. Totally normal behavior IMO. It's just time for a separate bath time.

 

I agree. I think 6 is plenty old enough to bathe themselves on their own. Time for more body privacy for the family. Otherwise, I wouldn't freak.

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I'm more concerned over your sister not being able to look at her daughter than what the daughter did. The daughter is 6, the mom is an adult. She's the one acting inappropriately. Kids are curious. It's not a big deal. I honestly think the mom made a big deal out of it when they had their first talk. In a situation with a young child, it would have been more appropriate to say something along the lines of "We don't touch people like that" and explain that she could hurt him and leave it be. Have a serious talk about something that was likely incredibly innocent and done out of curiosity was overkill.

 

Six is certainly old enough to take a bath on her own.

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