Should I be concerned about how snuggly Calvin is?

[Laura Corin]

He's always been very huggy and would constantly lean on me when he was younger. He doesn't lean any more, but often sits on my lap, snuggles up to me on the sofa, stops me for a little dance, kisses me on the nose or tackles me for a wrestle in the snow. There's nothing overly intimate about his touching, but I wonder if it's too much at his age. He's 5'8" and working on his moustache.

 

Husband is suggesting that I informally set limits (let him sit on my lap, then after a minute or so say, "Off you go then.") I don't have a big problem with that, but I wonder if it's necessary. I certainly don't want to discourage him from expressing his snuggly nature.

 

Thank you

 

Laura

[Catwoman]

Doesn't sound like a problem to me -- I think he sounds like a sweetie! (I'm assuming he doesn't hop on your lap when his buddies are over at the house!)

 

My dh's cousin's son was exactly that way, and he has grown up to be a wonderful and affectionate husband. My ds (almost 11) is still cuddly and affectionate, too.

 

Cat

[Greta]

Editing. Didn't come out right.

 

I think that sort of affection sounds perfectly normal and very sweet. It all just depends on how YOU feel about it. I don't think there are universal standards here. It's just about the comfort level of the particular individuals.

Edited November 30, 2010 by GretaLynne

[dcjlkplus3]

Maybe your husband is being thoughtful. My son gets too heavy for sitting on my lap after a few minutes and he is only 5 - I can't imagine someone who is 5'8" sitting on my lap for longer than that :001_smile:

[Laura Corin]

Maybe your husband is being thoughtful. My son gets too heavy for sitting on my lap after a few minutes and he is only 5 - I can't imagine someone who is 5'8" sitting on my lap for longer than that :001_smile:

 

Calvin is off the bottom of the BMI scale - it does not feel heavy to have him sitting on me and I always win at snow wrestling: weight over youth.

 

Laura

[tangomoon]

Maybe physical touch is his strongest love language?

 

Will be interested to hear the responses, since I've got a little guy who I could totally see doing this when he gets to be that age.

[Laura Corin]

Editing. Didn't come out right.

 

I think that sort of affection sounds perfectly normal and very sweet. It all just depends on how YOU feel about it. I don't think there are universal standards here. It's just about the comfort level of the particular individuals.

 

I feel fine about it. It was husband's comment that started me wondering.

 

Laura

[Abigail4476]

No way. I would never limit my kids' shows of affection. Unless they actually DO something sexual or obviously inappropriate, there should be an obvious distinction between the types of affection.

 

Without going into details: My Dad was always very affectionate with me, but when I became a teenager and developed curves, he suddenly would push me away when I would hug him, and make weird comments that showed his OWN discomfort. I didn't even understand why at the time (I figured it out later), so it only served to hurt and confuse me.

[MelanieM]

I think it's absolutely wonderful that your son is still so affectionate! My brother and I were still sitting on my Dad's lap at that age (and older) and I really appreciate that he never discouraged me in any way. (In fact, I have a tougher time with memories of my mother, who didn't respond well to physical affection.) So if that's the way he is, and you're comfortable with it, then carry on! Don't let anyone else's expectations for their physical space impact what feels right for you in yours.

[Night Elf]

My ds14 has Aspergers and has become more affectionate over the past year or so. Before, his version of a hug was to lean his head against mine. Now, he puts his arms around me and hugs me proper. He doesn't really snuggle, but he will sit on the sofa really close to me and put his arm or leg across my lap so I can do what I call ghost fingers. It's lightly running my fingertips over his skin. This was a calming method I had to use when he had meltdowns many years ago. It's a sensory thing.

 

But that's my only experience with boys and affection except for when I was much younger. :)

[MamaT]

My third son is very affectionate. The way you describe Calvin sounds like my boy at that age (he's 17 now). He doesn't get in my lap anymore, but is still constantly hugging, giving me a kiss when me passes by, etc. He was talking to my aunt (who he only sees every few years) at my mom's funeral last month and I noticed he was holding her hand. :001_smile: He is just very sweet that way. I wouldn't change it for anything.

[Nan in Mass]

Enjoy it while it lasts. Mine were very snuggly at 13 but it began to wear off gradually after that. At 16 or 17 I would begin to wonder, but in my experience (cousins, friends, and mine), 13yo boys just are snuggly. I remember asking my husband how long my oldest would sit in my lap, and he answered, "As long as you will let him." It didn't quite work that way, but I found the answer reassuring.

-Nan

[elegantlion]

My ds is 13 and very affectionate. I think it's just part of his nature and I hope he stays that way. I tend to be a very huggy person and I've tried to take a step back and allow what he feels comfortable with.

[Cinder]

I feel fine about it. It was husband's comment that started me wondering.

 

Laura

 

Physical touch as his love language--that was my first thought, too. I think it's uncomfortable for those whose love language is something else. Ds1's love language is acts of service. He doesn't like being touched or even being too close to people. Ds2's LL is physical touch. He likes being around people, hugging, wrestling with dh. Dh is ok with it because physical touch is a close second LL for him. I'm more like ds1, and seeing my nearly 5'8" ds2 wanting to sit on dh's lap makes me think, "Isn't he a bit old for that?" But I think part of ds2 still enjoys being a little boy sometimes.

 

Cinder

[Nakia]

My third son is very affectionate. The way you describe Calvin sounds like my boy at that age (he's 17 now). He doesn't get in my lap anymore, but is still constantly hugging, giving me a kiss when me passes by, etc. He was talking to my aunt (who he only sees every few years) at my mom's funeral last month and I noticed he was holding her hand. :001_smile: He is just very sweet that way. I wouldn't change it for anything.

 

When I read Laura's post, I thought about Cam. Such a sweetheart! I want a boy!!!!! That's it, I'm coming to get my boy that has been living at your house for the last 12 years. :)

[Lovedtodeath]

My nephew is 16 and giving me hugs. I love it. He is my baby.

 

I think that there is a double standard. Would it be okay if a girl behaved this way with her dad?

[Puma Mom]

My 17yo ds is very huggy too. Physical touch is definitely his love language. He's going to be getting it from his sister and me or from someone else, so I'm fine with it being us.:) He can't sit on my lap for very long though! (Nor does he do that very often.)

 

If you are comfortable with it and it doesn't seem to cross the lines of appropriate, I'd say you're fine.

[Abigail4476]

My nephew is 16 and giving me hugs. I love it. He is my baby.

 

I think that there is a double standard. Would it be okay if a girl behaved this way with her dad?

 

My nephews hug me and kiss me on the cheek, and they're in their late 20's and 30's. It's great. :001_smile:

[MamaT]

When I read Laura's post, I thought about Cam. Such a sweetheart! I want a boy!!!!! That's it, I'm coming to get my boy that has been living at your house for the last 12 years. :)

 

You mean Andrew. Both of those boys are cuddly. Yes, he tells me about once a week that he's going to live with you. :001_smile:

[Corraleno]

Calvin is off the bottom of the BMI scale - it does not feel heavy to have him sitting on me and I always win at snow wrestling: weight over youth.

 

Laura

My DS12 is 110 lbs and he squashes me when he sits on my lap, but I'm thrilled he's still so cuddly at his age. I know it will end at some point, but for now I'm enjoying it while it lasts. He's always been a huggy kid, and he still hugs DH all the time, too. In fact, he and his best friend (also 12) always hug each other hello and goodbye; I think it's great. I'm sure if they were in PS, they'd have learned a long time ago that the only acceptable form of touch for middle school boys is hitting. :glare:

 

Jackie

[Mrs Mungo]

Physical touch as his love language--that was my first thought, too. I think it's uncomfortable for those whose love language is something else.

 

I agree. I am all about physical touch and have to mentally remind myself that 1. some people don't like it and 2. it's not appropriate for me to touch everyone. :tongue_smilie: My youngest is very cuddly and I'm fine with it.

[momofkhm]

One of them is physical touch. My son has it too. In church he will lay across my lap and pick up my hand and rake it through his hair. It's kind of strange, but I do it.

 

Now if it is making you uncomfortable, that's another thing. But I wouldn't worry about it.

[Nakia]

You mean Andrew. Both of those boys are cuddly. Yes, he tells me about once a week that he's going to live with you. :001_smile:

 

Yeah, I just didn't know if you wanted me to put his name online. I figured it was okay to use Cam since he has all his famous youtube videos. LOL! I love me some Andrew!! Well, I love all your kids, but I want Andrew!!!!

[smrtmama]

Feel blessed you have a son who hasn't submitted to the sociocultural shaming that drives boys away from showing physical affection to people they love. Feel proud that you haven't encouraged him to cut off those demonstrations of love in the language that is clearly his best way of communicating that love.

[5KidzRUs]

Without going into details: My Dad was always very affectionate with me, but when I became a teenager and developed curves, he suddenly would push me away when I would hug him, and make weird comments that showed his OWN discomfort. I didn't even understand why at the time (I figured it out later), so it only served to hurt and confuse me.

 

That is so sad Abigail - I think that most children wouldn't understand a parent pushing away, even if it were explained to them. Especially if the affection were normal innocent displays of affection.

 

Also, soak in all the love while you can - before you know it your snuggy guy will be married and be someone elses snuggle-bunny :crying: ... speaking from experience!

Edited November 30, 2010 by 5KidzRUs

[Jean in Newcastle]

My 13 year old son is very affectionate - much like Calvin except that he's bigger than me now and thankfully does not sit on me;)

[Abigail4476]

That is so sad Abigail - I think that most children wouldn't understand a parent pushing away, even if it were explained to them. Especially if the affection were normal innocent displays of affection.

 

Also, soak in all the love while you can - before you know it your snuggy guy will be married and be someone elses snuggle-bunny :crying: ... speaking from experience!

 

My son is only 8, and I'm already fearing the day! :tongue_smilie:

[*********]

Just wanted to say thanks for this thread.

 

My wonderful, sweet, 13 1/2 year old step son is very cuddly with me. Now, I came into his life when he was still just 2, so we've got a long history. And it's not a weird, uncomfortable sort of closeness; he just likes to hug me, sit close to me on the couch, lean against me, that sort of thing. You know, the same sorts of things he sees me doing with his 5 and 7 year old little brothers. :) He's such a sweet boy (when he isn't having a, um, adolescent 'flare up', shall we call it, LOL), and I hope he never stops giving me his hugs and pecks on the cheek.

 

I'm not gonna lie and say I love him the SAME way I love my two biological sons. But I love him just as close to that as one could get. :001_smile:

[Night Elf]

Without going into details: My Dad was always very affectionate with me, but when I became a teenager and developed curves, he suddenly would push me away when I would hug him, and make weird comments that showed his OWN discomfort. I didn't even understand why at the time (I figured it out later), so it only served to hurt and confuse me.

 

AND

 

That is so sad Abigail - I think that most children wouldn't understand a parent pushing away, even if it were explained to them. Especially if the affection were normal innocent displays of affection.

 

:iagree: My mom told me that she did this to my sister when my sister started developing. My mom felt awkward being chest to chest. By the time I was developing my mom felt differently but always felt guilty about how she treated my sister. My mom very clearly told me to not feel that way about my children because a parent's love and affection are very important to children at any age. Those were some of her more wise words I've ever heard her say. :tongue_smilie:

[Unicorn.]

What's he like when other boys are around? I ask because my ds 14, and 5'11", is still this way, but not in front of friends. Except around his best friend who is the same way, and a year older. :D I like my cuddly boy, and his cuddly friend. :) Dh is pretty cuddly too, so.......

[Laura Corin]

What's he like when other boys are around? I ask because my ds 14, and 5'11", is still this way, but not in front of friends. Except around his best friend who is the same way, and a year older. :D I like my cuddly boy, and his cuddly friend. :) Dh is pretty cuddly too, so.......

 

A quick hug maybe, nothing more.

 

Laura

[TXMary2]

My 14 yo ds is affectionate and often will say, "I love you mom." when he is passing by, but he doesn't sit on my lap. Thank goodness - he is 135 pounds! He does sit close to me on the couch and always hugs and kisses me goodbye, goodnight and good morning. :)

[Sandy in Indy]

Enjoy it while he's willing! My now 19 yr-old used to chase me around the house to hug and kiss me and rub his rough whiskers on my face. It was a game, but I got to where I pushed him away because the sandpaper on my face hurt! Then he met a girl... Now I'm lucky to get a hug at all and long for the days when he was so affectionate. Don't push him away; you'll regret it.

[LibraryLover]

My 18 yr old sits on my lap frequently (daily?) My sister has a 22 yr old who does...and she just graduated from college and has a great job...so yk, it's not going to harm him for that. ;)

[mo2]

I couldn't read all the replies right now, but have you read The Five Love Languages of Children? One of them is physical touch.

[elfgivas]

on the other side of the coin....

 

your dh mentioned something to you.

perhaps there are two different things, the cuddling and the wrestling.

it may be time to begin to transition the cuddling into side-by-side cuddling, and to cut out the wrestling.

it may not be a problem yet, but your dh may be trying to say, having been a teenage boy himself, that it could become a problem.

 

no one is saying "no cuddling", just that what works well for a 3 year old is different from what works well for a 13 year old. 13 really is that in between age, but 14 is coming....

 

fwiw,

ann

[Laura Corin]

on the other side of the coin....

 

your dh mentioned something to you.

perhaps there are two different things, the cuddling and the wrestling.

it may be time to begin to transition the cuddling into side-by-side cuddling, and to cut out the wrestling.

 

 

.... intimate - husband and I talked it over this evening. They don't bother me, but he finds them over-the-top. I am very aware of the face-to-face problem: when Calvin and I cuddle face-to-face, I make sure that it is with the upper body only, and when we wrestle I stay well clear of the nether regions.

 

I don't want to make husband uncomfortable, so I might plead an 'itchy nose' and just cut out the nose kissing. Husband is very cuddly too - he doesn't find touch worrying in general, so I think I should try to work with his feelings.

 

Laura

[Wheres Toto]

AND

 

 

 

:iagree: My mom told me that she did this to my sister when my sister started developing. My mom felt awkward being chest to chest. By the time I was developing my mom felt differently but always felt guilty about how she treated my sister. My mom very clearly told me to not feel that way about my children because a parent's love and affection are very important to children at any age. Those were some of her more wise words I've ever heard her say. :tongue_smilie:

 

This is actually very common especially with fathers and daughters. I read somewhere (I will try and find it - might have been from Child Psychology class) that it can lead to problems for girls feeling like they should be ashamed of their new developing bodies and look to find physical affection elsewhere (where it is more likely to lead to other things unfortunately).

 

As for the OP, I don't think there's anything wrong with the situation but if it's making anyone uncomfortable, maybe modify slightly as he gets older. If noone is uncomfortable, carry on.

Edited November 30, 2010 by dottieanna29

[TKDmom]

That is so sad Abigail - I think that most children wouldn't understand a parent pushing away, even if it were explained to them. Especially if the affection were normal innocent displays of affection.

 

 

Oh, thank you for posting this. I am not at all a touchy-feely person, but my ds(5) is! Sometimes I feel drained from all his snuggling. It doesn't help that he has discovered a couple of convenient "handles" to hold onto when he hugs me from behind. :glare:

 

I know he does it innocently. I just need to redirect his hands gently and return the affection. I needed that reminder. Thanks.

[Mejane]

My son will be 15 in a few weeks and is just this way with me. He also kisses and hugs and snuggles with his sister and father and hugs his friends. I love that part of him, and I plan to hold onto it as long as I can. :)

[stephanier.1765]

I want to say thank you for posting this as well because I've been wondering about the same thing with my youngest ds (14). He's very cuddly, will tackle me as if I'm one of his brothers, kisses me on my cheek and will stroke my arm when sitting next to me. I was sort of worried about it until I saw him doing the same thing with his grandfather over Thanksgiving. I like the idea of touch as love language. I had been pushing him away because it was sort of freaking me out but now that I see so many others posting the same thing I feel like I can relax. His brothers were nothing like this and my middle son is completely anti touch so this was a complete step in the opposite direction for me. It's funny how kids raised in the same family can be so different.

[Unicorn.]

A quick hug maybe, nothing more.

 

Laura

 

Tell your dh that Calvin is a perfectly normal, affectionate, loving person. I'm jealous. I don't get hugs in front of friends-except the bestie, but he hugs me too, so it's cool.

[Wyndie]

I want to say thank you for posting this as well because I've been wondering about the same thing with my youngest ds (14). He's very cuddly, will tackle me as if I'm one of his brothers, kisses me on my cheek and will stroke my arm when sitting next to me. I was sort of worried about it until I saw him doing the same thing with his grandfather over Thanksgiving. I like the idea of touch as love language. I had been pushing him away because it was sort of freaking me out but now that I see so many others posting the same thing I feel like I can relax.

 

Oh me too!! I was just thinking about this today. My 11 yr old is soooooo lovey dovey with me... not inappropriate but frequently following me around and stroking my arm or just learning on me. It does bother me a little bit but I try not to let it show b/c he just loves his mommy. The issue is mine not his.

 

An older gentleman saw the two of us the other day and mention that my son was in love with me. He said he loves his momma too and calls her every day in the nursing home to sing to her. I have tried to be less self-conscious about the super snuggler since then.

[Corraleno]

An older gentleman saw the two of us the other day and mention that my son was in love with me. He said he loves his momma too and calls her every day in the nursing home to sing to her.

That's the sweetest thing I've heard in a long time :crying:

 

Jackie

[Starr]

My ds 14 is still very affectionate. I think we should enjoy it while we can. :D My younger brother, the big Army man was like this too.

[jenniferlee]

Haven't read all the replies, but I would guess physical touch is his love language. My middle daughter is just like this. Very physically affectionate to us and physically aggressive to her siblings.

 

Jen

[lisabelle]

Nah. I wouldn't worry about it. Savor it while you can!

 

Physical touch is my love language. If you were to see me in front of the teevee with my dh and ds you would see me snuggled up against one of them and rubbing their scalp. Or if I was really tired you'd see my with my head in dh's lap and him stroking my hair. It's like we're a tribe of monkeys around here!

[Peela]

My ds15 is like that too! Always has been, but a while back he really withdrew and decidedly wouldn't cuddle- moody etc. I put it down to growing older, puberty etc and I occasionally begged for a hug and left it at that. Then....all his old cuddly nature came back and he regularly sits on my lap again, and asks for hugs. I DO ask him to get off my lap after a couple of minutes now because he IS heavy. He is very affectionate, but mischevious too (he is not beyond pretending to fall asleep on my lap so as to get longer there!).

 

I remember the midwife I had for the pregnancy with him, had a 16yo son at the time. She told me once that her son still jumped into bed with her husband and herself for a morning cuddle. I remember thinking...I really hope my kids are still that friendly with me at that age. They are.

 

I have noticed a lot more physical affection with this generation of kids. All the teens hug each other when meeting up or saying goodbye. It can take ages to get my kids from somewhere because they have to hug EVERYONE goodbye (their friends that is, not strangers). I notice it with other teens too. So....I imagine it will be less unusual for them to stay somewhat affectionate with their parents.