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Am I overreacting?


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A little background....when I had DD a few years ago, DH and I, with the other kids, came down to MILs(mother in law) house for Thanksgiving(at the time she lived 5 hours away). At one point while we were visiting, I was in the room DH and I were staying in and MIL came back there and though I can't remember the conversation, at some point she said, "You should have lost the baby weight by now"( I was 5 months postpartum at this point). I was stunned that she thought it was okay to say that but I didn't respond but did mention it to DH. It's been so long that I can't remember whether or not he said any thing to his mom.

 

Fast forward to Jan of this year. At this point, we live less than an hour from MIL, I am pregnant again and DH took the kids to see his mother so they could pick up the Christmas gifts she had for them. I was very much offended at some of the gifts she gave one of the kids and DH and I got into this huge argument about the gifts for the kids.

 

So other than seeing MIL at Thanksgiving I didn't see her for my entire pregnancy as I knew I would have lost it if she had commented on my weight while I was pregnant. I did see her when the baby was two weeks old and that went ok.

 

This past weekend, we went to see MIL. Against my better judgement I went because DH really wanted me to go so his mom could see the baby again, who is now a few months old, and the kids wanted all of us to go as a family.

 

So, when we arrived there was a guy there that neither of us knew. I guess they're dating...I'm not sure.:confused: DH hands the baby to his mother and she holds the baby for a few minutes and then hands the baby to this guy.:001_huh: My back was towards MIL and her friend and I was facing DH. I shot him a look and he jumped up and basically said, "no offense, but I don't know you" and took the baby from the guy. MIL then says, " I knew you were going to say something, that's why I kept watching you." From that statement I'm thinking she knew we wouldn't like it but wanted to see what our reaction would be. I was pretty ticked off that she did that!

 

MIL then calls me in a back room because she has something to show me. As soon, as I stepped over the threshold of the door, she says," you've gotten fat". I was floored that once again she felt she needed to judge my postpartum body. I said that was rude, made a snarky comment to her and she said it wasn't rude and I left out of the room. She basically shrugged it off.

 

I told DH I wanted to leave NOW. I told him what happened. He gave the baby to our teenager and we went in the back and he called his mother back there. She was very defensive and offered a half hearted apology and said she was done with it and left the room. I didn't say another word to her nor did she to me for the remaining time we were there(about 30 min). I fed the baby and when I was done we left.

 

She talked to DH yesterday and was very offended that he took the baby from her friend(her friend was also very offended at DH according to MIL). She also thought her apology to me was sincere even though DH told her she was not humble at all. I am so glad DH witnessed her apology so he could see that she was upset and defensive. DH told her if she wants to discuss this further then call him. I've already told DH I will not be going back to his mother's house. Am I overreacting?

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I don't think you are overreacting- I think she's trying to cause trouble and has succeeded, at least your DH got to witness her 'apology' so she admits that she said that. She sounds mental, and I'd steer clear- I wouldn't want my children around someone who is so obviously 'against' me- wouldn't want her to influence them in ANY way or hurt them in any way.

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I don't think you're overreacting. That was a horrible situation! My MIL is a real peach too....saying things only when my dh isn't within earshot.

 

My dh and I now have a deal - don't ever leave me alone with her. I can suffer through the togetherness more knowing that he is hearing everything I am and she is more often on her best behavior with him around.

 

:grouphug:

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You are not overreacting. She sounds like a piece of work. She makes Marie Barone seem like an angel (Everybody Loves Raymond.) She seems to enjoy creating disharmony. I would keep a wide berth from now on. If you choose to have contact with her, visits need to be short and able to leave on a moment's notice. I personally would not spend much time with this person.

 

Gee, I am fuming mad for you!

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Well, it wouldn't have bothered me at all that the guy was holding the baby (unless he was filthy and reeking of alcohol or something like that). However, that said, your MIL is completely insane and manipulative, and I wouldn't have even stayed long enough after what she did to feed the baby. And no, I wouldn't go back there either. I'll add this to my "People are idiots" file for you :D

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I told DH, don't think it's a coincidence that both times she called me fat you weren't around.:glare:

 

What is with that?!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

She is looking to stir up trouble between you and your dh. She insults you privately because she doesn't want him to have a chance to step in and defend you. She wants to keep baiting you until lose your temper with her over something silly in front of your dh, so she can tell him how evil you are.

 

I have to say that I think it was a bit rude to take the baby back from the guy. It's not as though he scooped the baby up out of a crib and ran for the back door; your MIL handed the baby to him and I'm sure he didn't have a clue that there would be any problem with that. That said, I'm sure you already realized that your MIL was trying to start trouble, and in that situation, it's easy to overreact a bit.

 

Overall, I think your MIL sounds like a nightmare, and your dh needs to set some serious boundaries with her. Also, he needs to make it crystal clear to her that if she offends you, she's offending him as well, and it is not acceptable.

 

BTW, just being nosy here -- but what was the offensive gift?

 

Cat

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:hug: I am not one for putting myself in the path of people who get on my nerves, whether I'm related to them or not, so I can see not wanting to go to your MILs house again. That said, I think it's always important to remember that I'm the one that gets to decide if something bothers me or not, and no one can offend me without my permission. I have a pretty thick skin and, considering I do get quite fat when pregnant, I likely would have responded to her comment with "well yes, yes I am... because I just had a baby" (complete with how-ridiculous-of-you-to-state-the-obvious facial expression). Then I would likely laugh over the lack of tact and manners of the other person, and perhaps even feel a little sad for whatever it is inside of them that makes them want to be mean to other people.

 

I think you'll have to decide whether or not you're going to allow this woman to get to you in such ways, and if her poor manners are enough of an issue for you to allow it to impact your family and everyone's relationship with her. Good luck navigating through all of that. Family dynamics can be interesting and trying, to be sure.

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I don't think you're overreacting. Only you and your Dh can decide what you are willing to put up with.

 

One year my MIL's birthday fell on Easter. She dislikes cooking and her kids don't come see her that often, so I said, "Honey, we should get some of the others to visit MIL with us. I'll make a big meal and we'll celebrate her birthday." MIL seemed okay with this. We drove 6 hours to their place. I spent that Sat. cleaning her house and cooking. The other relatives came for dinner on Sunday. Everything was going fine until several people commented on the food and SIL asked for some recipes. As I was washing the dishes, MIL brought each individual dish over to me and said, "Are you taking this home with you? FIL and I won't eat it, so if you don't take it we'll feed it to the dogs." Every. single. dish. After a decade of instances like this, I suppose that I could tell Dh I don't want to see her, but I don't want to take it that far. Now, I just won't cook at her house.:glare:

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That said, I think it's always important to remember that I'm the one that gets to decide if something bothers me or not, and no one can offend me without my permission.

 

I think you'll have to decide whether or not you're going to allow this woman to get to you in such ways, and if her poor manners are enough of an issue for you to allow it to impact your family and everyone's relationship with her. Good luck navigating through all of that. Family dynamics can be interesting and trying, to be sure.

I really have to disagree with this. It's not an 'option' for everyone to 'choose' whether or not they are bothered by the antics of others.

Some people can make that choice, and good for them. Some people can't, for many reasons- especially in a situation where they are already a bit stressed. Telling a person who is not able to 'choose' to not be offended that they CAN choose to not be offended really makes it seem as though 'they' are the problem, and not the rude arse. The problem is the behavior of the arse, not that the person on the receiving end of their arseholeness is somehow lacking in not being able to 'choose' to let it go/not be offended.

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I don't think you're overreacting. Only you and your Dh can decide what you are willing to put up with.

 

One year my MIL's birthday fell on Easter. She dislikes cooking and her kids don't come see her that often, so I said, "Honey, we should get some of the others to visit MIL with us. I'll make a big meal and we'll celebrate her birthday." MIL seemed okay with this. We drove 6 hours to their place. I spent that Sat. cleaning her house and cooking. The other relatives came for dinner on Sunday. Everything was going fine until several people commented on the food and SIL asked for some recipes. As I was washing the dishes, MIL brought each individual dish over to me and said, "Are you taking this home with you? FIL and I won't eat it, so if you don't take it we'll feed it to the dogs." Every. single. dish. After a decade of instances like this, I suppose that I could tell Dh I don't want to see her, but I don't want to take it that far. Now, I just won't cook at her house.:glare:

 

Being told that she won't eat your cooking is not the same as being told 'you're fat' over and over where no one else can hear it. The OP has every right to set a boundary that she will not be in the presence of this woman.

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Public Service Annnouncement:

 

"The Surgeon General's Office announces that a plague of crazy has enveloped the nation. Stay in your homes."

 

Don't know about you all but I think it's high time we started building State Mental Hospitals for the "Criminally Related to Normal People." We'll put the OP's mil in there and Imp's mom, and my sil, and my sis's stbxh, and Remudamom's ex-brother in law the deceiver, and....... Let's fill it up!

 

Faith

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

She is looking to stir up trouble between you and your dh. She insults you privately because she doesn't want him to have a chance to step in and defend you. She wants to keep baiting you until lose your temper with her over something silly in front of your dh, so she can tell him how evil you are.

 

I have to say that I think it was a bit rude to take the baby back from the guy. It's not as though he scooped the baby up out of a crib and ran for the back door; your MIL handed the baby to him and I'm sure he didn't have a clue that there would be any problem with that. That said, I'm sure you already realized that your MIL was trying to start trouble, and in that situation, it's easy to overreact a bit.

 

Overall, I think your MIL sounds like a nightmare, and your dh needs to set some serious boundaries with her. Also, he needs to make it crystal clear to her that if she offends you, she's offending him as well, and it is not acceptable.

 

BTW, just being nosy here -- but what was the offensive gift?

 

Cat

 

I'm sure some would think it was rude but we just don't allow just any one to hold our kids. I think it's more rude to assume it's okay to hold my child without asking. That's just one of my idiosyncrasies;)

 

As far as the gifts...I don't know what MIL was thinking but she got DS a shirt that said "Thuglife" on it(she knows we don't advocate that sort of thing AT ALL), a formerly white polo type shirt that was faded due to the obvious usage of whoever had worn it before she gave it to DS and a pair of blue pants that had huge white stains down one leg(glue, perhaps?).

Edited by GVD22
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I don't think you're overreacting. Only you and your Dh can decide what you are willing to put up with.

 

One year my MIL's birthday fell on Easter. She dislikes cooking and her kids don't come see her that often, so I said, "Honey, we should get some of the others to visit MIL with us. I'll make a big meal and we'll celebrate her birthday." MIL seemed okay with this. We drove 6 hours to their place. I spent that Sat. cleaning her house and cooking. The other relatives came for dinner on Sunday. Everything was going fine until several people commented on the food and SIL asked for some recipes. As I was washing the dishes, MIL brought each individual dish over to me and said, "Are you taking this home with you? FIL and I won't eat it, so if you don't take it we'll feed it to the dogs." Every. single. dish. After a decade of instances like this, I suppose that I could tell Dh I don't want to see her, but I don't want to take it that far. Now, I just won't cook at her house.:glare:

 

 

Wow!

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Well, it wouldn't have bothered me at all that the guy was holding the baby (unless he was filthy and reeking of alcohol or something like that). However, that said, your MIL is completely insane and manipulative, and I wouldn't have even stayed long enough after what she did to feed the baby. And no, I wouldn't go back there either. I'll add this to my "People are idiots" file for you :D

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

:iagree:

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How sad that she feels the need to treat you like this. Life is so short and she is giving up the chance to have a relationship with her DIL and grandchildren. This is very sad!

 

BTW-No I do not think that you are overreacting at all!! I would definitely not want to spend time with someone that wants to keep knocking me down!

 

I know that this is easier to say than do, but please so not let her drag you down with her. Enjoy your family and pray that she might come around one day!

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Being told that she won't eat your cooking is not the same as being told 'you're fat' over and over where no one else can hear it. The OP has every right to set a boundary that she will not be in the presence of this woman.

 

I did say that she wasn't overreacting, and only she and her husband could decide what they were willing to put up with.

 

In my own situation, my MIL has done many hurtful things to me and others in the family. She hasn't ever called me fat, but she has mentioned my weight gain with pregnancy. But that really doesn't matter, does it? My point was that she can do what she wants to, but as a person with a difficult MIL, I have chosen to keep in contact. I'm not trying to tell her what to do, and I am certainly not telling her to like how her MIL is treating her.

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Not overreacting, but you just didn't have the right comeback.

 

"I can fix fat, you'll always be stupid and rude."

:lol::iagree:

I really have to disagree with this. It's not an 'option' for everyone to 'choose' whether or not they are bothered by the antics of others.

Some people can make that choice, and good for them. Some people can't, for many reasons- especially in a situation where they are already a bit stressed. Telling a person who is not able to 'choose' to not be offended that they CAN choose to not be offended really makes it seem as though 'they' are the problem, and not the rude arse. The problem is the behavior of the arse, not that the person on the receiving end of their arseholeness is somehow lacking in not being able to 'choose' to let it go/not be offended.

:iagree:

Some things are just offensive, some statements should just not be made. :banghead: While there are times when someone has a chip on their shoulder and they're looking to be offended, this was not one of those moments. This is a person spewing out venom trying to hurt another person. Not an innocent comment that resulted in offense on accident.

I'm sure some would think it was rude but we just don't allow just any one to hold our kids. I think it's more rude to assume it's okay to hold my child without asking. That's just one of my idiosyncrasies;)

 

 

:iagree:

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Not overreacting at all! She should have handed the baby back to you or dh and IF you offered to let the man hold the baby THEN it would be ok. To just hand off your child to a person who to you is a complete stranger was inappropriate. It sounds like she was looking for trouble from her comments though. I'd avoid her. Sounds like your dh had your back. :)

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Thanks for validating my feelings. This whole episode is really upsetting to me. Some of the things that have been mentioned in this thread are exactly what I see in MIL but DH doesn't see it, yet. ;) He's the baby of the family and he and his mother are close. Enough said.:tongue_smilie:

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You've not over-reacted and I'm so glad your DH dealt with it. This woman was looking for trouble, and now she has it! The old unintended consequence.

 

My MIL is an absolute sweetheart. My FIL - well that's another story. He used to call during the day when my DH was at work and say things like, "I can't believe my son married you. I can't believe you're still married!" :glare: Now, thanks to caller id, I don't answer the phone when he calls.

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I'm sure some would think it was rude but we just don't allow just any one to hold our kids. I think it's more rude to assume it's okay to hold my child without asking. That's just one of my idiosyncrasies;)

 

I know how you feel -- we were very particular about who could hold our ds, too. My point was that the man had no reason to ask you if it was ok, because your MIL handed him the baby, and in most cases, if Grandma did that, I think most people would assume that it was fine to hold the baby. It's not like he demanded to hold the baby; his girlfriend (whom I'm assuming he likes and trusts) handed the baby to him. Sure, her motives were clearly to bait you to see if you'd get angry, but this poor guy was just an innocent pawn, as far as I can tell, and I can understand why he might feel offended. He probably doesn't know the backstory, and if he does, it's from your MIL's anti-you point of view.

 

As far as the gifts...I don't know what MIL was thinking but she got DS a shirt that said "Thuglife" on it(she knows we don't advocate that sort of thing AT ALL), a formerly white polo type shirt that was faded due to the obvious usage of whoever had worn it before she gave it to DS and a pair of blue pants that had huge white stains down one leg(glue, perhaps?).

 

May I add to your description of "offensive" and say that the gifts were tasteless and gross? How about disgusting? YECCH! ::ack2: I can't believe your dh didn't call her out for gifting his kids with used stuff -- and not even nice, clean, good-as-new-except-without-the-tags stuff!

 

No wonder you don't want anything to do with your MIL!

 

Cat

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Public Service Annnouncement:

 

"The Surgeon General's Office announces that a plague of crazy has enveloped the nation. Stay in your homes."

 

Don't know about you all but I think it's high time we started building State Mental Hospitals for the "Criminally Related to Normal People." We'll put the OP's mil in there and Imp's mom, and my sil, and my sis's stbxh, and Remudamom's ex-brother in law the deceiver, and....... Let's fill it up!

 

Faith

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

Cat

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As far as the gifts...I don't know what MIL was thinking but she got DS a shirt that said "Thuglife" on it(she knows we don't advocate that sort of thing AT ALL), a formerly white polo type shirt that was faded due to the obvious usage of whoever had worn it before she gave it to DS and a pair of blue pants that had huge white stains down one leg(glue, perhaps?).

 

Ahhhh, I begin to see. Look up the definition of narcissistic personality disorder and see how that fits your MIL :glare:

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I know how you feel -- we were very particular about who could hold our ds, too. My point was that the man had no reason to ask you if it was ok, because your MIL handed him the baby, and in most cases, if Grandma did that, I think most people would assume that it was fine to hold the baby. It's not like he demanded to hold the baby; his girlfriend (whom I'm assuming he likes and trusts) handed the baby to him. Sure, her motives were clearly to bait you to see if you'd get angry, but this poor guy was just an innocent pawn, as far as I can tell, and I can understand why he might feel offended. He probably doesn't know the backstory, and if he does, it's from your MIL's anti-you point of view.

 

I see what you're saying and DH has offered to call this guy to reiterate that it had nothing to do with him. I just hate that MIL has flipped the situation to make it look like we were the bad guys.

 

 

May I add to your description of "offensive" and say that the gifts were tasteless and gross? How about disgusting? YECCH! ::ack2: I can't believe your dh didn't call her out for gifting his kids with used stuff -- and not even nice, clean, good-as-new-except-without-the-tags stuff! Don't even get me started! As I said, we got into a fight about that.

 

No wonder you don't want anything to do with your MIL!

 

Cat

 

..........................

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My father's father's mother used to give used gifts that were really weird and inappropriate (sometimes they were things she got out of a dumpster). She was not mentally stable. When my dad was little my grandma would just have them say "thank you" and would throw the gifts away after she left the house. My mom did the same with us.

 

Now, I'm thinking your MIL probably has some kind of disorder. Again, I wouldn't make my dh cut off contact with his mom or not let her see the grandkids. I would keep meetings on neutral grounds and try not to be alone with her.

 

eta: I don't think you are over-reacting and I don't think you are wrong. However, *I* would not cut off contact with blood relatives (unless there was abuse involved), I just try to manage events to keep them as safe and non-threatening as possible if there is mental instability involved. :grouphug:

Edited by Mrs Mungo
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Public Service Annnouncement:

 

"The Surgeon General's Office announces that a plague of crazy has enveloped the nation. Stay in your homes."

 

Don't know about you all but I think it's high time we started building State Mental Hospitals for the "Criminally Related to Normal People." We'll put the OP's mil in there and Imp's mom, and my sil, and my sis's stbxh, and Remudamom's ex-brother in law the deceiver, and....... Let's fill it up!

 

Faith

You forgot my MIL too.

 

I don't believe in passing a baby about like a deck of cards, and Wolf...well, lets just say he's even less inclined. And more likely to bite strangers around his babies. :lol:

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I'm sure some would think it was rude but we just don't allow just any one to hold our kids. I think it's more rude to assume it's okay to hold my child without asking. That's just one of my idiosyncrasies;)

 

I agree that babies are people too, and don't deserve to be passed around to perfect strangers. My dh was even more particular about this than I was (and I thought I was pretty particular!). Once at an office luncheon, a co-worker of his asked if he could hold our daughter. I wasn't crazy about the idea, but she was not a teeny baby any more, so I allowed it. This was not the first time he had been around my daughter, but it was the first time I allowed him to hold her. Very soon, dh just walked over to him, and took our daughter back without offering any explanation or excuse. Just did it. If it caused offense, the guy didn't show it.

 

So, just saying, I totally understand how you feel on that one!

 

Now, I want to tell you that I am generally not very sympathetic to friends of mine who complain about their MILs. Some of my friends have complained about the fact that their MIL had the audacity to want the couple to have the wedding in the husband's home town since they would be living in the wife's home town, or that they (gasp!) want the couple and their kids to spend time with them during the holidays. Well, cry me a river. How awful that your MIL wants to spend time with you and your children, appreciates having you around. Sheesh, my MIL was killed in a car accident before I met my dh, and there isn't much I wouldn't give to be able to give to spend a Christmas with her.

 

But your MIL? Sweetie, your MIL is one piece of work. Wow. Doing something with your baby that she knew would make you uncomfortable, the verbal insults carefully out of earshot of your dh, the insulting gifts. What is up with her? I have known one other MIL who was at least that bad, but actually worse because she would launch the insults in front of a room full of people - I witnessed it first-hand. What made that situation particularly awful was that the man would do NOTHING to defend his wife. That broke my heart. That would feel like such a betrayal to me, if my husband allowed *anyone* to speak to me that way. I am so glad for you that your dh is a good guy!!! Go give him a hug! :D

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I see what you're saying and DH has offered to call this guy to reiterate that it had nothing to do with him. I just hate that MIL has flipped the situation to make it look like we were the bad guys.

 

I don't think I'd take it that far. :tongue_smilie:

 

Let's face it, this guy is MIL's boyfriend. He has, no doubt, gotten an earful about how evil you are from her, and realistically, he's going to believe her. If your dh calls him to apologize, your MIL will tell the guy that your dh apologized entirely on his own, behind your back, because he's a good boy, who is saddled with a deranged, demented, and fat wife. :glare:

 

I'd forget about it and let it go. It wasn't that big a deal. He'll get over it (or he won't, but an apology from your dh probably won't do anything more than start another argument or work in favor of your MIL in one way or another.)

 

Try to put this behind you and work toward avoiding your MIL at all costs. She is toxic.

 

Cat

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I've dealt with very similar issues with my extended family and esp. with my MIL. I've had to set some very strict boundaries over the years some of which have relaxed with time and good behavior.

 

I've dealt with the "My, aren't you fat." comment. My answer was a big smile and a "Thank you!" Boy, they didn't know what to make of that one.

 

I've dealt with the inappropriate gifts (MIL gave dd a hooker costume for Halloween which we don't even celebrate). Again, she got a "thank you" and then that went into the trash. We didn't even donate that gift!

 

I've dealt with the comments behind dh's back. I would say loudly, "Honey, you've got to come and hear this!" MIL wouldn't repeat it, of course. But she stopped doing it.

 

I was a bit more relaxed on the who/how they held the baby issue.

 

Anyway, my point is, these kind of antics are done to get a certain reaction. If you give a reaction - even a negative one - it feeds it. Certainly you can stop seeing the person and that will stop it too. But in our case, we decided to not give the desired reaction and to stop "feeding the troll". It worked.

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My father's father's mother used to give used gifts that were really weird and inappropriate (sometimes they were things she got out of a dumpster). She was not mentally stable. When my dad was little my grandma would just have them say "thank you" and would throw the gifts away after she left the house. My mom did the same with us.

 

Now, I'm thinking your MIL probably has some kind of disorder. Again, I wouldn't make my dh cut off contact with his mom or not let her see the grandkids. I would keep meetings on neutral grounds and try not to be alone with her.

 

eta: I don't think you are over-reacting and I don't think you are wrong. However, *I* would not cut off contact with blood relatives (unless there was abuse involved), I just try to manage events to keep them as safe and non-threatening as possible if there is mental instability involved. :grouphug:

 

I agree.

 

The relationship sounds so stilted. For example, you arrived at her house and a man was there. Was he introduced? And if he was, it sounds like you were all too uncomfortable to speak casually to each other. Even normal polite interest wasn't allowed, for example: "Hi, Man, nice to meet you. So, how do you know Mom?" If you DH couldn't ask how Man and your MIL were connected...

 

My MIL used to say the strangest things and I would get sooooo upset. But, once we moved closer and I got to know her better, I found out she was mostly clueless and not meaning to offend. Not saying that your MIL is like mine, but if you guys couldn't even ask politely what the relationship was between her and the man...then you're strangers and it sounds like there was a lot of awkwardness and tension.

 

Out of curiosity: Is she of a different culture from you? I know of a few cultures where it is acceptable to point out if someone is getting fat. Annoying, but acceptable.

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I don't think you are overreacting- I think she's trying to cause trouble and has succeeded, at least your DH got to witness her 'apology' so she admits that she said that. She sounds mental, and I'd steer clear- I wouldn't want my children around someone who is so obviously 'against' me- wouldn't want her to influence them in ANY way or hurt them in any way.

 

:iagree:Sounds to me like she is trying to stir up trouble. I'd want to avoid her as much as possible!

 

Mary

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It would not have bothered me if she had a friend she wanted to let hold her grandbaby, I would have been pretty easy going with that, unless the person looked sick or the baby was crying or something.

 

But the "fat" comments? EXTREMELY offensive and rude and I would not allow myself to be around someone who was like that and didn't have the common sense to filter themselves. I'd have to distance myself from that woman entirely. I would not stop my husband from seeing his mother or begrudge him that or make issues over gifts for the kids etc (not sure what you meant by the gifts being offensive), but I personally would just not spend time around her at all. The visits would have to go on with out me.

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I don't think I'd take it that far. :tongue_smilie:

 

Let's face it, this guy is MIL's boyfriend. He has, no doubt, gotten an earful about how evil you are from her, and realistically, he's going to believe her. If your dh calls him to apologize, your MIL will tell the guy that your dh apologized entirely on his own, behind your back, because he's a good boy, who is saddled with a deranged, demented, and fat wife. :glare:

 

I'd forget about it and let it go. It wasn't that big a deal. He'll get over it (or he won't, but an apology from your dh probably won't do anything more than start another argument or work in favor of your MIL in one way or another.)

 

Try to put this behind you and work toward avoiding your MIL at all costs. She is toxic.

 

Cat

 

For the record, I don't think MIL hates me, or maybe I'm just blind and don't want to believe that since we've gotten along fairly well for the 15 years that DH and I have been married. I would be shocked if she said anything negative to her "friend".

 

I didn't say anything to DH about his offer to apologize, other than his mom has completely switched things around so she's the victim. I don't think he should but I'm holding my tongue.

 

DH has said that she is used to running the households of his 3 sisters(not so sure about his brother) so the fact that I have my own opinions, which influence DH, probably isn't to her liking.

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No, I don't think you're overreacting at all. Even without the tone of voice and any possible implications that were there in what your MIL said and did, which are hard to pinpoint and harder to express in a short post, I think she was out of order.

 

As usual I'm torn over two possibilities - the idea that it would be good to keep the contact but meet only on mutual ground, or that since your MIL appears to be toxic it would better not to see her at all. The one thing you really do need, is to be at one with your DH about how you are viewing your MIL and every situation that arises with her. It will become very difficult for you if you are unable to get onto the same page on this one. It sounds like he is beginning to see things from your POV, anyway, which is excellent.

 

And commenting on your size at 5 months postpartum? uh.. no, not nice. I love Remudamom's comeback, :lol: and Jean in Newcastle's way of dealing with rudeness and sniping.

 

Honey, don't let her get to you. :grouphug: I really don't think it's worth the energy. (Please remind me I said that, when I next post about my family :glare: :D )

 

ETA: And yeah.. those gifts are weird!

Edited by Hedgehog
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I've dealt with the comments behind dh's back. I would say loudly, "Honey, you've got to come and hear this!" MIL wouldn't repeat it, of course. But she stopped doing it.

 

 

I just have to say: this is brilliant. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to use it (none of my relatives are the behind-the-back-commenting type), but I'm going to try to remember it just in case! Great technique - bring it all out in the open.

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I might have shouted, "WHAT, YOU CALLED ME OUT HERE ALONE JUST SO YOU COULD TELL ME I WAS FAT?" Then everyone could have known that she was a jerk and you could have left w/o feeling guilty about it.

 

The older you get, the less crap you put up with. When I was younger, I tried to let my dh handle the way a member of his family treated me, but he didn't do it, and I've spent years to get over it. I would love to be able to have a do-over, I would have stopped her in her tracks the first time she poked me, and not spent years regretting it. I don't trust dh, or my SIL anymore.

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I agree.

 

The relationship sounds so stilted. For example, you arrived at her house and a man was there. Was he introduced? And if he was, it sounds like you were all too uncomfortable to speak casually to each other. Even normal polite interest wasn't allowed, for example: "Hi, Man, nice to meet you. So, how do you know Mom?" If you DH couldn't ask how Man and your MIL were connected...

 

She introduced him by name, "Son, this is <insert name here>" and that was that. DH, I believe, is still sensitive to his mom seeing other men even though his dad has been deceased for 6 years now.

 

My MIL used to say the strangest things and I would get sooooo upset. But, once we moved closer and I got to know her better, I found out she was mostly clueless and not meaning to offend. Not saying that your MIL is like mine, but if you guys couldn't even ask politely what the relationship was between her and the man...then you're strangers and it sounds like there was a lot of awkwardness and tension. I wouldn't say there was awkwardness really, neither was there any tension, until she handed the baby to him. He left shortly after that as a matter of fact.

 

Out of curiosity: Is she of a different culture from you? I know of a few cultures where it is acceptable to point out if someone is getting fat. Annoying, but acceptable. No we are from the same culture

 

............

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...I've dealt with the comments behind dh's back. I would say loudly, "Honey, you've got to come and hear this!" MIL wouldn't repeat it, of course. But she stopped doing it.

 

HAHA!!! I LOVE that! I can't wait to use it sometime. :D

 

To the OP:

 

I don't think you're overreacting at all. She sounds like one of *those* MIL's who delights in causing friction and discomfort, to put it mildly. Personally, I would let your husband have his relationship with her however he wants it, but you shouldn't feel obligated to participate. :)

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After many years, I make sure I'm never alone with her and I encourage dh and kids to visit when I've got other commitments. It works for us.

 

I started staying home about 1 1/2 - 2 years ago when DH would go visit. I thought it would be great for him to spend time with this mom and the kids with their grandmother and I could enjoy being at home alone:D. A few months ago DH brought up the fact that I always stay home and he wanted me to be closer to his mom. I said I would consider it. Well, after this past weekend, it's understood that I will have no part in his visits with his mom. Why in the world does she want me around? After we got home from her house on Sunday, he told me that she had specifically asked about me coming that day.:confused:

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