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My husband has agreed to see a marriage counselor. But I don't know what type to go to.

 

Our main issues are:

- he is emotional distant with the kids and me

- he feels like he never transition to be a father whereas I have totally changed into mother

-he thinks I am a control freak with respect to my son's food allergies (I am)

- he wants the "old" me back... the me that was 10 yrs ago instead of this mother me

- we never have sex anymore because I cannot get into it because he is so unhappy and shows no empathy or sympathy towards me or the kids

, it is hard for me to even want to be near him

 

SO

Here are our options:

Licensed Clinical Social Worker - (like 20 different ones)

MD (psycharitrist) - 2 in the area

PhP psychologist - I think 4 or 5 of these.

 

I know nothing about one or the other.. I assume the MD could give a rx for meds if needed but wondering if our marriage issues are really what a psychiatrist deals with daily, when I think psychiatrist I think people who have major addictions, suicidal, ....

 

Help.

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Most people think that when they go to a marriage counselor, the marriage counselor will help them so they won't get divorced. Instead, many marriage counselors take the psycho-analytic approach from individual counseling and do not support marriage.

 

They view their job as being to support each individual. Even if each individual is really there to work on their marriage so they don't get divorced.

 

We went to a Christian counselor who used this approach. First thing he said was that it was ok with him if we got divorced. We didn't say anything about getting divorced. He is the one who brought it up.

 

He didn't care if we got divorced or not. He had a very non-directive approach, which means he just lets the couple argue. Then, at the end he would psycho-analyze us.

 

No talk or very little talk about how to communicate, techniques, exercises, etc. It was more about our early childhoods and how we were each acting like little babies.

 

And this would go on endlessly. We got nowhere. I guess we were communicating at least.

 

Anyway, most people don't realize that when they pay all that money to a marriage counselor, the marriage counselor doesn't really care whether they get divorced or not. That has been the standard for years in marriage counseling.

 

Now, there are more marriage counselors who feel that the marriage is their client and they are there to support the marriage, not the two different people as individuals. Find one of these people- ask them about it. And make sure it's someone who specializes in marital counseling, not individual counseling or substance abuse counseling or some other type of therapy.

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We went to a Christian counselor who used this approach. First thing he said was that it was ok with him if we got divorced. We didn't say anything about getting divorced. He is the one who brought it up.

 

Anyway, most people don't realize that when they pay all that money to a marriage counselor, the marriage counselor doesn't really care whether they get divorced or not. That has been the standard for years in marriage counseling.

 

Now, there are more marriage counselors who feel that the marriage is their client and they are there to support the marriage, not the two different people as individuals. Find one of these people- ask them about it. And make sure it's someone who specializes in marital counseling, not individual counseling or substance abuse counseling or some other type of therapy.

I ~know~ that not all Christian marriage counselors would be like that--not caring whether or not the couple gets divorced.

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Do any of your choices specialize in marriage and family therapy? I'd want someone who works regularly in this field--even better someone recommended by others.

 

:iagree:

 

Probably not a psychiatrist, but either a psychologist or whatever else your state recognizes for counseling. Ask around. A good one is a good one, a bad one is bad.

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Are any of them trained in Imago therapy? Many seem to be around where I live.

I have been reading Getting the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix...this book has some really good insights into how marriage/relationships work, why they become difficult, and what to do about it, and it has made such an impact on dh and I already. The book has been around for years and I had previously half read and dismissed it- I think because I wasnt ready to really listen to it message. Now I am. Its very much about keeping the marriage together, and it explains why, and HOW.

The website is here but I dont know if you can tell how effective it might be from a website- you can get a feel for it, though. http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/

 

Recently I watched a documentary called Crossing the Bridge by Hedy and Yumi, who are Imago trained marriage therapists, and it really, really helped me (and touched my heart). You can get it from their website, but they also have a CD for free which is probably an introduction to their work:

 

http://www.hedyyumi.com/

Edited by Peela
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I would start with the social workers. An MSW person does therapy day in and day out. From there, you want someone who specializes in marriage/family couseling and from there, narrow it down to who works for the two of you. If any of the MD or PhD people see couples then by all means, include them in your process...they often charge more though. At least they do around here.

 

It is a very personal decision. It is not uncommon for people to see a couple different therapists until someone 'clicks'. Of course, every now and then people hit the jackpot with their first person. If it doesn't click, the instinct is to blame therapy. Really, most of the time, it is just a bad fit. I am amazed at how really good therapy can be when people find the person that works for them.

 

Best wishes to you both on this journey. I hope you can find your way back to each other.

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I would start with the social workers. An MSW person does therapy day in and day out. From there, you want someone who specializes in marriage/family couseling and from there, narrow it down to who works for the two of you.

 

I agree. If it makes you feel any better, your problems sound pretty common. I bet with a little communication training you two will be feeling good with each other again!:)

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you need a marriage counselor, not a MD or a psychiatrist. You want strictly a marriage and/or family counselor.

 

Reading some books will help, too. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus sounds like it would help you both immensely as you both are needing to make changes here. There also is His Needs/Her Needs but I think this is a Christian book and I don't know your stand on that. I think you both really need to read what the opposite sex NEEDS in marriage (versus wants) and I think you'll both be amazed at how surprisingly differently the two sexes are wired. Dh and I read the Mars book and it was a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE eye opener. There are other great reads, too, but I highly recommend the Mars book because I can see how both of you are neglecting each other and it is only adding fuel to the fire.

 

Dh and I have been married 21 years and as you can see, we have kids of all ages. We've learned a lot through the years but simply understanding each others needs was HUGE at keeping us connected. I don't think dh would have even begun to understand what was going on with out Mars. He just got the book one day and kept raving about it so I read it, too. Again, it was HUGE.:001_smile:

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I'd go to a psychologist (not necessarily a PhD, a PsyD would work just fine) who specialized in marriage counseling. A psychologist could and would refer you to a psychiatrist, if necessary. And it's absolutely legitimate to let the psychologist know that you are there because you want to preserve your marriage and find out his or her view on supporting you two in that before you commit to using him or her.

 

I hope you find someone very helpful.

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I would start with the social workers. An MSW person does therapy day in and day out. From there, you want someone who specializes in marriage/family couseling and from there, narrow it down to who works for the two of you. If any of the MD or PhD people see couples then by all means, include them in your process...they often charge more though. At least they do around here.

 

It is a very personal decision. It is not uncommon for people to see a couple different therapists until someone 'clicks'. Of course, every now and then people hit the jackpot with their first person. If it doesn't click, the instinct is to blame therapy. Really, most of the time, it is just a bad fit. I am amazed at how really good therapy can be when people find the person that works for them.

 

Best wishes to you both on this journey. I hope you can find your way back to each other.

 

:iagree: I am a licensed clinical social worker doing therapy with a range of people/issues. As part of my practice, I do couples therapy.

 

Look for someone who specializes in or has a lot of experience in working with couples. The issues that you present should be fairly amenable to treatment/help if both of you are invested.

 

You don't need a psychiatrist to do marital therapy. An LCSW or a Ph.D would be your best choice. Doing a phone consult/looking at a website for therapists (if available) to get a feel for them are both good ideas.

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Okay...here's some help to start:

1) those are your issues, not his

2) the only person you can change is you.

 

Yes, marriage counseling can help but you'll have to come to the realization that it takes two people to ruin a marriage and two to build it. And each of you will have to do 95% of the construction work.

 

Sorry if this is harsh. I speak from real experience having been there. There is hope. And you can really get to a better place than you ever thought possible.

 

My husband and I went through 2 counselors and many, many books including love languages, imago, communication training, personality, etc. What we learned is that we are incompatible and that it would be nearly impossible to have a good marriage given who we are and what we've been through. Our counselors couldn't figure out why we were still trying. The training did help us to communicate better and gave us some useful tools, but it did not have the answer. Our problem was that our deepest needs were not met and none of this knowledge could meet them.

 

Counselor number 3 took a different approach. She did not try to save our marriage, but to help us each individually understand that our value does not come from the other person. That it comes from God. I guess for the non believer, this would be akin to finding worth in ourselves.

 

We now have a marriage that I never thought could be. It's a process and still is. I hope this isn't discouraging, but that it helps to get you ready for really investing in your marriage, in your spouse and in yourself. I wish you the best success.

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I agree. If it makes you feel any better, your problems sound pretty common. I bet with a little communication training you two will be feeling good with each other again!:)

 

:iagree:

 

Just as you would want to 'interview' a doctor before you went to them, you should do the same with a therapist. Find out what their worldview is: Christian/non-Christian (and if it doesn't match yours, will they respect your view?), where they got their training (then look up the school and see if you can glean any philosophical leanings they might have) and whether or not the type of counseling you need is what they are accustomed to and have a lot of experience with. A marriage and family counselor sounds like the route to go although LSW do this same kind of therapy. If the therapist doesn't gel with either one of you, try another one. No failure in that! Also- ask around to people you respect: family, priest/pastor or doctor to get a recommendation. Friends are also good for this, too but that might not be comfortable. As a MOPS mentor (aka- 'old mom'!) , I've often given out names of local counselors.

I hope things will improve for you and your husband soon.

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Okay...here's some help to start:

1) those are your issues, not his

2) the only person you can change is you.

 

Yes, marriage counseling can help but you'll have to come to the realization that it takes two people to ruin a marriage and two to build it. And each of you will have to do 95% of the construction work.

 

Sorry if this is harsh. I speak from real experience having been there. There is hope. And you can really get to a better place than you ever thought possible.

 

My husband and I went through 2 counselors and many, many books including love languages, imago, communication training, personality, etc. What we learned is that we are incompatible and that it would be nearly impossible to have a good marriage given who we are and what we've been through. Our counselors couldn't figure out why we were still trying. The training did help us to communicate better and gave us some useful tools, but it did not have the answer. Our problem was that our deepest needs were not met and none of this knowledge could meet them.

 

Counselor number 3 took a different approach. She did not try to save our marriage, but to help us each individually understand that our value does not come from the other person. That it comes from God. I guess for the non believer, this would be akin to finding worth in ourselves.

 

We now have a marriage that I never thought could be. It's a process and still is. I hope this isn't discouraging, but that it helps to get you ready for really investing in your marriage, in your spouse and in yourself. I wish you the best success.

 

:iagree:

 

My take on your situation is that you might do better having individual counselling. But whatever you choose, please try to find someone who firstly works from the same faith standpoint as yourselves: no matter what counsellors say, it is easier for them to, for example, support a Christian if they are one. Secondly they should support marriage itself: some counsellors take the view that if a person is unhappy in a relationship, they should get out of it, but ideally you want someone who will encourage you to try to revitalise your marriage despite the difficulties.

 

FWIW, I've BTDT. We tried several counsellors, some bad, some good. But the best advice I ever got - and that from my MIL - "Remember he's only human, and so are you."

 

Blessings,

Hedgehog x

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I'm a fan of John Gottman, who has done a lot of research into couples. Many therapists I respect (and I work with many) admire his work, too.

 

 

His books:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=john+gottman&x=0&y=0

 

Him:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman

 

I like him, as well.:001_smile: Some of his researched is referenced in the text of the course I am teaching (a graduate course in direct practice for social workers).

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http://www.nanc.org

 

I would highly recommend a nouthetic counselor if you are Christians.

 

The term "Nouthetic" Counseling comes from the Greek verb "noutheteo" (or the noun "nouthesis") and means "to admonish, to warn, to teach or to counsel." The word is found in numerous passages of Scripture and describes the manner in which we are to counsel and help other Christians. Biblical (nouthetic) Counseling seeks to change the heart, not just alter behavior (Mk. 7:21-23; Prov. 4:23).

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Okay...here's some help to start:

1) those are your issues, not his

2) the only person you can change is you.

 

Yes, marriage counseling can help but you'll have to come to the realization that it takes two people to ruin a marriage and two to build it. And each of you will have to do 95% of the construction work.

 

Sorry if this is harsh. I speak from real experience having been there. There is hope. And you can really get to a better place than you ever thought possible.

 

My husband and I went through 2 counselors and many, many books including love languages, imago, communication training, personality, etc. What we learned is that we are incompatible and that it would be nearly impossible to have a good marriage given who we are and what we've been through. Our counselors couldn't figure out why we were still trying. The training did help us to communicate better and gave us some useful tools, but it did not have the answer. Our problem was that our deepest needs were not met and none of this knowledge could meet them.

 

Counselor number 3 took a different approach. She did not try to save our marriage, but to help us each individually understand that our value does not come from the other person. That it comes from God. I guess for the non believer, this would be akin to finding worth in ourselves.

 

We now have a marriage that I never thought could be. It's a process and still is. I hope this isn't discouraging, but that it helps to get you ready for really investing in your marriage, in your spouse and in yourself. I wish you the best success.

 

I'll PM you. :)

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Can you narrow it down to "start here" and "then read this one"? :lol:

 

Reading the reviews only muddied the waters.

 

Thanks so much!

 

 

 

I'm a fan of John Gottman, who has done a lot of research into couples. Many therapists I respect (and I work with many) admire his work, too.

 

 

His books:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=john+gottman&x=0&y=0

 

Him:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman

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Can you narrow it down to "start here" and "then read this one"? :lol:

 

Reading the reviews only muddied the waters.

 

Thanks so much!

 

Why Marriages Success or Fail

 

Keep in mind his books are written to be read by "the masses", and are written on an 8th grade level. He is not doing this to talk down to people, but to make his books available to all. They are quick reads.

Edited by kalanamak
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My husband has agreed to see a marriage counselor. But I don't know what type to go to.

 

Our main issues are:

- he is emotional distant with the kids and me

- he feels like he never transition to be a father whereas I have totally changed into mother

-he thinks I am a control freak with respect to my son's food allergies (I am)

- he wants the "old" me back... the me that was 10 yrs ago instead of this mother me

- we never have sex anymore because I cannot get into it because he is so unhappy and shows no empathy or sympathy towards me or the kids

, it is hard for me to even want to be near him

 

SO

Here are our options:

Licensed Clinical Social Worker - (like 20 different ones)

MD (psycharitrist) - 2 in the area

PhP psychologist - I think 4 or 5 of these.

 

I know nothing about one or the other.. I assume the MD could give a rx for meds if needed but wondering if our marriage issues are really what a psychiatrist deals with daily, when I think psychiatrist I think people who have major addictions, suicidal, ....

 

Help.

 

The only one to cross off your list for sure is the psychiatrist. Marriage counseling is not their thing.

 

For marriage counseling, there is no advantage of a PhD over and LCSW. It is actually more likely that some of the LCSW's specialize in couples/family work. They usually charge somewhat lower fees as well.

 

What you want to do is research their approach to marriage counseling. I would recommend someone who primarily deals with the marriage rather than someone who wants each of you to have your own therapist (unless you think that you really both have serious individual issues). It is really easy for an individual counselor, supporting the client (and with no input from the spouse) to inadvertantly undermine the marriage. You want someone for whom the marriage is the client. I would also know going in what you and your spouse think of divorce as an option and whether the therapist will support that. (For instance, a lot of people go to counseling with one person having already decided to divorce. Counseling eases the announcement. Most savvy therapists are aware of this. Other couples go in with the notion that they will not divorce under any circumstances. If they see a therapist whose values are different and who can't support the couple's values, that can be a very unhelpful situation, to say the least.)

 

There's no way to know who's who from the degrees a therapist has. Ask around or call and see if the receptionist can give you basic information on the approach. If you don't like the therapist after the first appointment, move on.

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i'm glad he has agreed to go with you. :grouphug:

 

one of the things we have found most useful over the years has been myers-briggs. it gives couples a language to discuss how they may "do life" differently - not wrong, just differently. then the thing is to find a fit somehow.

 

in the meantime, you might try kissing him hello each time he comes home, and goodbye each time he leaves the house. (every time). one of the ironic (to me) things about our emotional health is that if we behave in a certain way, the emotion often follows...

 

:grouphug: good luck; its worth the work

ann

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Okay...here's some help to start:

1) those are your issues, not his

2) the only person you can change is you.

 

Yes, marriage counseling can help but you'll have to come to the realization that it takes two people to ruin a marriage and two to build it. And each of you will have to do 95% of the construction work.

 

Sorry if this is harsh. I speak from real experience having been there. There is hope. And you can really get to a better place than you ever thought possible.

 

My husband and I went through 2 counselors and many, many books including love languages, imago, communication training, personality, etc. What we learned is that we are incompatible and that it would be nearly impossible to have a good marriage given who we are and what we've been through. Our counselors couldn't figure out why we were still trying. The training did help us to communicate better and gave us some useful tools, but it did not have the answer. Our problem was that our deepest needs were not met and none of this knowledge could meet them.

 

Counselor number 3 took a different approach. She did not try to save our marriage, but to help us each individually understand that our value does not come from the other person. That it comes from God. I guess for the non believer, this would be akin to finding worth in ourselves.

 

We now have a marriage that I never thought could be. It's a process and still is. I hope this isn't discouraging, but that it helps to get you ready for really investing in your marriage, in your spouse and in yourself. I wish you the best success.

:iagree:I really like Counselor #3. I am doing a marriage inventory with my husband and I am praying to be humble and teachable and hear God's voice to show me what I should change and how I can understand my dh better. Yes, my value and worth comes from God.

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:iagree:

 

My take on your situation is that you might do better having individual counselling. But whatever you choose, please try to find someone who firstly works from the same faith standpoint as yourselves: no matter what counsellors say, it is easier for them to, for example, support a Christian if they are one. Secondly they should support marriage itself: some counsellors take the view that if a person is unhappy in a relationship, they should get out of it, but ideally you want someone who will encourage you to try to revitalise your marriage despite the difficulties.

 

FWIW, I've BTDT. We tried several counsellors, some bad, some good. But the best advice I ever got - and that from my MIL - "Remember he's only human, and so are you."

 

Blessings,

Hedgehog x

 

:iagree:You are wise and you have a very wise MIL. Thank you and I feel encouraged reading your message. We need to give each other grace. I am reviewing my marriage with my dh now and I hope we will understand each other better.

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