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Thanksgiving Ruined


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Oh Gosh!!!! My son's fiance's parents are in the middle of a divorce - not final yet, she moved out months ago and they live 1 1/2 hours apart. We hear stories from our son about how she is making it so difficult, she's being nasty, won't sign this or that, all the kids blame her, etc. (I'm not saying ANYTHING about the divorce here or who's fault it is, just telling that we hear stories.) So the fiance's dad invites us to Thanksgiving and since we get along with him really well, we accepted. (We also spent Easter day with him - very nice time.) I'm bringing stuff, he's making stuff. It will be him, his three adult kids + 2 grand kids and us and our three kids. Happy - Happy!

 

So today, future DIL tells me, "Oh, my mom's coming to my dad's for Thanksgiving!" Oh gosh. I don't want to be there trying to pretend like it's one big happy family! Yuck! I hate this kind of thing. We'll feel so much pressure to "perform" IYKWIM. When it's just him, we all relax and enjoy each other's company. With her there, I will feel SO uncomfortable! If we had known she would be there, we DEFINATELY would not have accepted. Half the reason we are going is so the miserable dad won't be alone on a holiday since this whole thing has been really hard on him. (We hear from his daughter.) Dang! We were just trying to be nice and now our Thanksgiving is ruined.

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I'm so sorry to hear this -- how is it that one person can wreck havoc on so many people's holiday expectations? :( What a bummer.

 

I understand about the performing thing. It's exhausting to be "on" all day long, especially when you've been looking forward to being able to unwind -- this day, of all days. And heaven help if things get awkward, which it sounds very possible given the volatile nature of the relationship as it currently exists.

 

I hope there will be some salvaging of the holiday. Maybe something will happen between then and now, and you'll be spared a front-row seat to the drama.

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Honestly I always find those sort of things entertaining. I mean as others said just be yourself and if there's any drama sit back and observe. I have seen plenty of it and while sad, what can you do? You have a choice whether to let this ruin your holiday or not. Don't give anyone else that power.

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Thanksgiving isn't even here yet and it's already ruined?

 

Well.

 

That's tough.

 

I would recommend going into this without the idea that it's already ruined, if you're still planning on going. I would go into it with expectations of a joyful meal full of gratitude and a spirit of Thanksgiving ;) If you go there expecting it to be horrible, then your rain cloud will pour on everyone there.

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Well thanks ladies. I certainly will make the best of it. I don't expect "drama", they are both usually pretty well behaved. They won't fight openly, but there may be comments here and there. What I do expect is for her to be in one room and him to be in another and DH and I having to split up and talk to each for the whole evening. This happened when we were invited to dinner at their house right before she moved out. At that time we didn't know they were divorcing but could certainly tell something was going on. I do expect not to be able to just relax and enjoy my family and the company. I do consider my Thankgiving "ruined" compared to what I had wanted/ hoped it would be. I know I will enjoy the food, (He's a restauranteur and only served the best!) But I also know I will get out of there as fast as I can. I feel bad for my future DIL. I think her mom just decided to come when she heard we were invited and no one can do anything about it - she's like that. A couple of days ago she (the mother) was talking about when her kids were coming to her place for a T-dinner. Now, she's coming down here. Weird.

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What I do expect is for her to be in one room and him to be in another and DH and I having to split up and talk to each for the whole evening.

 

I wouldn't do this. I would stay with the food.:D If she is coming and can't handle being in the same room as he is, then that's her choice. I would stay in the main room and socialize with the actual host - the husband. He is the one who invited you. Of course I would talk to her when she is in the room and I would be polite.

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My parents are divorced, but they are invited to all the same family parties and gatherings. They will both be at my sister's for T'giving, and they were both at my home for the 4th of July. It's not a problem, and there is no pretending they are together. My mother remarried years ago. They aren't chatty together, but they do not avoid each other, and are totally civil. Nothing has ever been ruined. I like that they can do this. The grandchildren benefit. We all do.

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A couple of days ago she (the mother) was talking about when her kids were coming to her place for a T-dinner. Now, she's coming down here. Weird.

 

I don't see how it's weird she wants to spend Thanksgiving with her kids badly enough to be with her soon-to-be ex. It may be awkward; I don't see how it couldn't be, but it should not be ruined.

 

It sounds like you've already spent time with the two of them since they were having trouble. I would expect more of the same. The only difference is now you know what's going on.

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My parents are divorced, but they are invited to all the same family parties and gatherings. They will both be at my sister's for T'giving, and they were both at my home for the 4th of July. It's not a problem, and there is no pretending they are together. My mother remarried years ago. They aren't chatty together, but they do not avoid each other, and are totally civil. Nothing has ever been ruined. I like that they can do this. The grandchildren benefit. We all do.

 

I understand that this happens for some people after a divorce. But this one is still in the procedings and there is tension between all - husband and wife AND mom and kids. (The kids blame her and think she's being selfish.)

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My parents are divorced, but they are invited to all the same family parties and gatherings. They will both be at my sister's for T'giving, and they were both at my home for the 4th of July. It's not a problem, and there is no pretending they are together. My mother remarried years ago. They aren't chatty together, but they do not avoid each other, and are totally civil. Nothing has ever been ruined. I like that they can do this. The grandchildren benefit. We all do.

 

That is a rare thing.

 

:grouphug: to katemary63! I'm sorry your holiday won't be what you wanted and were expecting. That's rough!

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I don't see how it's weird she wants to spend Thanksgiving with her kids badly enough to be with her soon-to-be ex. It may be awkward; I don't see how it couldn't be, but it should not be ruined.

 

I actually do think it's really wierd to go to your almost ex husband's house uninvited for Thanksgiving. I know that he would not have invited us if he thought she were coming, but he is trying not to make waves with her since he hopes to settle soon and she is "difficult" so he won't tell her not to come. I'm sure he is embarassed for inadvertently putting us in this awkward situation.

 

Thanksgiving is "ruined" for DH and I because it will not be the relaxing time we had hoped. It just won't.

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I don't see why your holiday is ruined. If anyone has to "perform" it would be the two of them. You just have to be yourself. :grouphug:

 

:iagree: I think you should make SURE you just be yourself. If you have bad feelings towards her, be polite, but don't change who you are.

 

I'm actually surprised she's going there. Any chance they could be making amends?

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That is a rare thing.

 

:grouphug: to katemary63! I'm sorry your holiday won't be what you wanted and were expecting. That's rough!

 

 

It is. We are very grateful.

 

I do hope it's ok for you katemary. Maybe you can bring a multiplayer board game (Trivial Pursuit?) or Banangrams or something like that to get everyone doing something other than worrying.

 

My dad is a Yahtzee player. :)

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Well thanks ladies. I certainly will make the best of it. I don't expect "drama", they are both usually pretty well behaved. They won't fight openly, but there may be comments here and there. What I do expect is for her to be in one room and him to be in another and DH and I having to split up and talk to each for the whole evening. This happened when we were invited to dinner at their house right before she moved out. At that time we didn't know they were divorcing but could certainly tell something was going on. I do expect not to be able to just relax and enjoy my family and the company. I do consider my Thankgiving "ruined" compared to what I had wanted/ hoped it would be. I know I will enjoy the food, (He's a restauranteur and only served the best!) But I also know I will get out of there as fast as I can. I feel bad for my future DIL. I think her mom just decided to come when she heard we were invited and no one can do anything about it - she's like that. A couple of days ago she (the mother) was talking about when her kids were coming to her place for a T-dinner. Now, she's coming down here. Weird.

 

I wouldn't do this. I would stay in the main area, likely where all the people are congregating and where the food is. I wouldn't go into a room where an adult was sulking and enable them. I think that's childish and SELFISH to do to everyone else. I just wouldn't play into it. If she makes things uncomfortable (it sounds like he's an easy and level-headed man) I'd hug him, thank him for the lovely time, and tell him you're sorry but you must leave.

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Thanksgiving is "ruined" for DH and I because it will not be the relaxing time we had hoped. It just won't.

 

Maybe you can think of it as an opportunity instead of seeing it as ruined? It's an opportunity to show your future dil that you love her enough to act with grace in an uncomfortable situation. I'm sure this is really hard on her and you and your dh can really make this particular situation easier on her by not going in with the attitude that things are already ruined but with the attitude that you are going to find what to be thankful for on Thanksgiving.

 

I think this could be a chance to ease your future dil's stress and show the warring parties that you are going to be good inlaws.:)

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I actually do think it's really wierd to go to your almost ex husband's house uninvited for Thanksgiving. I know that he would not have invited us if he thought she were coming, but he is trying not to make waves with her since he hopes to settle soon and she is "difficult" so he won't tell her not to come. I'm sure he is embarassed for inadvertently putting us in this awkward situation.

 

Thanksgiving is "ruined" for DH and I because it will not be the relaxing time we had hoped. It just won't.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think it's weird, too, and if she's as difficult as she sounds, her intentions may be to ruin her almost ex's Thanksgiving. Judging by your description of her, it doesn't sound like she's unselfishly hoping for a happy family holiday.

 

Sorry you're going to be stuck in the middle of it.

 

Cat

 

PS. Maybe your future DIL will speak with her mom in advance and ask her to behave herself...

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"Dilution is the solution to pollution"--very true around the holidays.

 

This year you are part of the dilution. It's your turn to be gracious and kind to everyone, to be the grown up who models the behavior and attitudes for others to see and hopefully to emulate.

 

Besides, you don't really know what is going on here. Maybe she has a 'side' that is valid and just isn't talking about it because she's trying to be the better person and not gossip.

 

I think that it's admirable that they are trying to have a nice, unified holiday that avoids putting their extended family into the position of having to 'choose'.

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It's great when divorced/separated adults are able to put their differences aside and share holidays with their kids. I taught with a woman who did that, and it took a lot of maturity.

 

I'm sorry for what that woman must be going through. It must be hard to be judged and condemned without anyone really knowing her side of it, since they haven't lived it, maybe not even her kids. I'm sure you and your husband are really grateful to have your happy marriage and good relationships with your kids. I bet she would really like that, too.

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My parents are divorced, but they are invited to all the same family parties and gatherings. They will both be at my sister's for T'giving, and they were both at my home for the 4th of July. It's not a problem, and there is no pretending they are together. My mother remarried years ago. They aren't chatty together, but they do not avoid each other, and are totally civil. Nothing has ever been ruined. I like that they can do this. The grandchildren benefit. We all do.

 

My parents were/are like this too. I am thankful they've always been able to act like grown ups for us kids. (They got along well enough that my mom babysat my dad's girlfriend's son one weekend, and the boy's dad came to our house to pick him up. There was also a time when my dad and my mom's --still--boyfriend took a day off to replace our water heater. These things stand out huge in my mind 35 years later, and I credit their behavior for their divorce not being a trauma in our lives.)

 

KateMary, I would be trying my best to see this as God taking an opportunity to work in my life or through me--perhaps not even as a witness to this family, but to work on me or to the benefit of someone there in a way that I could not possibly imagine. He would have known your refusal to go if you'd known who would be there.

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I actually do think it's really wierd to go to your almost ex husband's house uninvited for Thanksgiving. I know that he would not have invited us if he thought she were coming, but he is trying not to make waves with her since he hopes to settle soon and she is "difficult" so he won't tell her not to come. I'm sure he is embarassed for inadvertently putting us in this awkward situation.

 

Thanksgiving is "ruined" for DH and I because it will not be the relaxing time we had hoped. It just won't.

 

Sorry that the relaxing part is gone. I wouldn't be looking forward to what is likely to be a tense, awkward situation either. Hopefully, some good will come of it.

 

Would it help to have your own Thanksgiving on Friday or Saturday in which you can relax? Sometimes we've done that--had our "own" Thanksgiving the way we wanted it to be after a different kind of Thanksgiving somewhere else KWIM?

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I'm sorry for what that woman must be going through. It must be hard to be judged and condemned without anyone really knowing her side of it, since they haven't lived it, maybe not even her kids. I'm sure you and your husband are really grateful to have your happy marriage and good relationships with your kids. I bet she would really like that, too.

 

:iagree: I totally agree with this and have a lot of compassion for her. Every interaction I've ever had with her has been pleasant. She is a registered nurse. I just have such a hard time believing the stories I hear and I always caution my son that there are two sides. I have no negative feelings for her what so ever. One thing that gives me pause is that her own son, (from a previous marriage) also blames her and is siding with his step-dad. I do know that she is an alcoholic (fact) and that her soon to be ex. says that she is mentally unstable/ possibly bi-polar. If that's true, I feel even worse for her. Mental Illness is something I have a lot of compassion and empathy for. Poor lady. So sad.

 

(ps. The husband is a great guy and did not want the divorce. He believes in marriage forever in spite of it all and told my son through tears that he never wanted his family to be broken. She is divorcing him. He has tried many times over the years to get her psycological help, but she refuses. Even her own sister sides with the husband.)

 

:iagree:

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Maybe you can think of it as an opportunity instead of seeing it as ruined? It's an opportunity to show your future dil that you love her enough to act with grace in an uncomfortable situation.

 

This is exactly what we plan to do. We'll make the best of it and be as gracious as we can for her sake. We adore her. All I was saying is that I won't be having the relaxing, enjoyable Thanksgiving I had hoped I would be having.

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Another anecdote about there being two sides:

 

My dear friend found out that her husband had been involved in a serious affair for 4 years (with his secretary). Things got really hairy for a long time, and they almost got a divorce. He ended the affair, but didn't fire the secretary. She still works for him to this day.

 

Anyway, my friend went a bit loopy for awhile (understandably). To their children, she seemed like a crazy woman. But, she didn't want them to know about their father's affair, so she never told them what was really going on. To this day, they just think their mom went crazy for awhile, but she's better now. Their father is a saint in their eyes for putting up with their crazy mother. (incidentally, their marriage is stronger than ever now)

 

Of course, I don't know your future DIL, or her family, but I'm agreeing with others who have mentioned that there is probably much more to this story than meets the eye.

 

I hope it isn't too awkward. Just rest in ignorance. Sometimes it really is bliss! Just saturate yourself in oblivious-ness. :) And, enjoy your yummy dinner.

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A good friend of mine just told me that she has to spend Thanksgiving alone with her 2 yr old that has leukemia because his latest round of chemo has made him too sick to travel three hours back home where her husband and five other kids are.

I think her Thanksgiving is ruined. :(

 

I try to always be greatful of what I have and thankful that I'll even get to have such good food and be with my, healthy, family. Sometimes things like that just really puts things into perspective. :(

 

I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful!

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I understand that this happens for some people after a divorce. But this one is still in the procedings and there is tension between all - husband and wife AND mom and kids. (The kids blame her and think she's being selfish.)

 

And perhaps the presence of outsiders (you and your family) will help everyone behave like ladies and gentleman. Perhaps her children are wrong, too.

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I actually do think it's really wierd to go to your almost ex husband's house uninvited for Thanksgiving.

 

Maybe the husband already has a new house. But, otherwise, isn't this technically her house too?

 

I'm sorry you're Thanksgiving is going to be awkward. And hers too. And the kids.

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While I have no doubt you will be gracious, regardless of the rumors spinning about her, I wonder how she will feel knowing what everyone is saying about her. I wonder how she is feeling since she obviously would like to spend Thanksgiving with her children (and possibly even her ex) and their potential in-laws. I don't know - there certainly are always two sides to every story. And with a divorce, likely those two sides reside only with she and her xdh, and everyone else is making ill-informed judgement calls on her.

 

I think it says something that she wants to be there. Quite likely something that others don't seem to understand. Possibly she's not as ugly as everyone thinks?

 

I also think it is a smart move since she will always be your dil's mother, no matter what...great time to get to see how she handles particularly nasty issues in the face of getting to know her potential in-laws.

 

:grouphug: I hope it turns out to be a good Thanksgiving for everyone.

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Guest CarolineUK

I was in a very similar situation with members of DH's family a couple of years ago. Nobody behaved badly, nobody was made to feel awkward or uncomfortable, in fact it all went as smoothly as ever. It was just sad, very sad.

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We were just trying to be nice and now our Thanksgiving is ruined.

 

But is it really ruined? Perhaps the Lord is giving you an opportunity to shine as His children? How might you love the people you will be spending time with by laying down your lives like He did for you? You just never know...it might be a blessing in disguise.

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Believe it or not, one of the grandkids was sick so grandma stayed with him at his home so that his dad and sister could come to Thanksgiving. We had exactly the evening we had hoped to have in the first place. We had prepared ourselves to do our best with the situation and it turned out we just got to eat turkey and relax! Nice!

 

My son's fiance will be graduating from college in Dec and her dad is throwing her a party. We'll all be at his house again along with her mom and dad, but there will be lots of other people too. Much less pressure for us. I'll take that opportunity to connect with her mom and be a good future in-law. :)

 

Edited to add: I don't mean nice that the kid was sick or that the grandma had to miss everything. I feel bad for both of them! But it was nice for us to be able to relax. :)

Edited by katemary63
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While I have no doubt you will be gracious, regardless of the rumors spinning about her, I wonder how she will feel knowing what everyone is saying about her. I wonder how she is feeling since she obviously would like to spend Thanksgiving with her children (and possibly even her ex) and their potential in-laws. I don't know - there certainly are always two sides to every story. And with a divorce, likely those two sides reside only with she and her xdh, and everyone else is making ill-informed judgement calls on her.

 

I think it says something that she wants to be there. Quite likely something that others don't seem to understand. Possibly she's not as ugly as everyone thinks?

 

I also think it is a smart move since she will always be your dil's mother, no matter what...great time to get to see how she handles particularly nasty issues in the face of getting to know her potential in-laws.

 

:grouphug: I hope it turns out to be a good Thanksgiving for everyone.

:iagree: You will have to interact with DIL's mom for years to come. I think it would behoove you to give her the benefit of the doubt and extend an olive leaf for peace in the family. Good luck.

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