When your Mother declares war

[Mona100]

So, I've lurked here for while now and chimed in every now and again so I feel that I could post this here. This has been an extremely hard year for me. I have had a lot of mental/emotional problems all of my life and it seemed to acculmulate this year. My mother has been a big part of this problem. Earlier this year, she loaned me a huge amount of money. I have all the intentions of paying her back and I was going to begin in January due to some medical bills I wanted to take care of first. My father understands that but unfortunately my mother does not. So, I got a phone call from her last night berating me and my daughter. For me, this is just one of many phone calls about how horrible I am and how horrible my daughter is turning out to be. I was waiting to January due to Christmas so I told her I would start paying her back next month so our Christmas is pretty much gone. I know that she will act "nice" once she starts getting her money but I can't take the emotional roller coaster any longer. I talked to my father and he completely understands. He has told me he basically lives in his room to avoid her. I just feel like I am in mourning due to the fact that I have never and will never have a normal mother/daugher relationship with her. I honestly feel like my mother is waging war against me and my daughter due to the things she said to me last night. This is more of pity party for me versus an advice thing because I know I need to cut her out of my life or I am just going to not make it mentally. I asked my father for their address so I could mail the checks instead of going to their house and handing them the money. I just feel so so sad for the whole situation. It's been like this my whole life but in the past couple of years it has gotten worse. I'm worry that one day I'll have to take care of her or worse yet commit her somewhere. And yes, it's that bad. So, thanks for reading my ramblings this morning. I just needed a place to vent I guess.

[GinaPagnato]

I'm sorry. It's awful when the relationships we want are not the relationships we have.

It's also tough when we are in a circumstance where we need to rely on someone who isn't good for us. I pray you can find a way to navigate this situation in the healthiest way possible.

[mrsrevmeg]

So sorry to hear that. I completely understand the part about one day having to take care of her or have her committed. I was discussing the same thing with my husband about my mother a few days ago. It is awful to want a mother, but have a monster. Sorry. :grouphug:

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I'm really sorry for you. We have family problems too and some of the problems revolve around money. It is the pits.

 

It sounds like you know you need to get some distance between you and your Mom, be strong and cut those ties one by one. I'm working on this too and am convinced that it will be worth it in the end.

[Night Elf]

If you have to endure the phone calls while you're paying her back, just listen and say 'yeah, hmm.. yeah, hmm..'. I can relate to your future fears. My relationship with my mom is a bit weird but not bad, but I have those same future fears. My mom has some mental issues that she won't address and they're getting worse as she gets older. I really cringe at the idea of what I'll face if she outlives her husband. I even posted about it on this board some time ago and got some great words of comfort and advice.

 

Does your dd know? If she does, can you talk with her about how to make the holidays a bright spot for the two of you? Maybe spending some extra time making decorations or cooking?

[Alicia64]

I have two of these parents. Three words for you: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Unless someone has a parent like this, it's almost not understandable what they can do. . . can say. . . can be like.

 

I've almost gone totally no-contact w/ my parents. I'm not 100% there but I dream about it.

 

My first step -- okay, more like my 1,000th -- was moving 3,000 miles away. I never thought moving would make such a difference, but it really, really has.

 

If you've been dealing w/ her your whole life: you're a survivor. Honor yourself in whatever way you can.

 

Believe me, getting out from underneath her tyranny is the best Christmas gift you'll ever give yourself. Pay the woman!

 

Take care,

 

Alley

[Renee in NC]

I have two of these parents. Three words for you: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Unless someone has a parent like this, it's almost not understandable what they can do. . . can say. . . can be like.

 

I've almost gone totally no-contact w/ my parents. I'm not 100% there but I dream about it.

 

My first step -- okay, more like my 1,000th -- was moving 3,000 miles away. I never thought moving would make such a difference, but it really, really has.

 

If you've been dealing w/ her your whole life: you're a survivor. Honor yourself in whatever way you can.

 

Believe me, getting out from underneath her tyranny is the best Christmas gift you'll ever give yourself. Pay the woman!

 

Take care,

 

Alley

 

My oldest ds has a father like this and his plan is to leave at 12:01am on his 18th birthday and never look back.:001_huh:

[sheryl]

So, I've lurked here for while now and chimed in every now and again so I feel that I could post this here. This has been an extremely hard year for me. I have had a lot of mental/emotional problems all of my life and it seemed to acculmulate this year. My mother has been a big part of this problem. Earlier this year, she loaned me a huge amount of money. I have all the intentions of paying her back and I was going to begin in January due to some medical bills I wanted to take care of first. My father understands that but unfortunately my mother does not. So, I got a phone call from her last night berating me and my daughter. For me, this is just one of many phone calls about how horrible I am and how horrible my daughter is turning out to be. I was waiting to January due to Christmas so I told her I would start paying her back next month so our Christmas is pretty much gone. I know that she will act "nice" once she starts getting her money but I can't take the emotional roller coaster any longer. I talked to my father and he completely understands. He has told me he basically lives in his room to avoid her. I just feel like I am in mourning due to the fact that I have never and will never have a normal mother/daugher relationship with her. I honestly feel like my mother is waging war against me and my daughter due to the things she said to me last night. This is more of pity party for me versus an advice thing because I know I need to cut her out of my life or I am just going to not make it mentally. I asked my father for their address so I could mail the checks instead of going to their house and handing them the money. I just feel so so sad for the whole situation. It's been like this my whole life but in the past couple of years it has gotten worse. I'm worry that one day I'll have to take care of her or worse yet commit her somewhere. And yes, it's that bad. So, thanks for reading my ramblings this morning. I just needed a place to vent I guess.

 

Gee Mona, I'm very sorry. There are others on this board in similar situations. My heart aches for each one of you. :grouphug: Sheryl <><

[newbie]

I have two of these parents. Three words for you: Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Unless someone has a parent like this, it's almost not understandable what they can do. . . can say. . . can be like.

 

I've almost gone totally no-contact w/ my parents. I'm not 100% there but I dream about it.

 

My first step -- okay, more like my 1,000th -- was moving 3,000 miles away. I never thought moving would make such a difference, but it really, really has.

 

If you've been dealing w/ her your whole life: you're a survivor. Honor yourself in whatever way you can.

 

Believe me, getting out from underneath her tyranny is the best Christmas gift you'll ever give yourself. Pay the woman!

 

Take care,

 

Alley

 

Same mom and completely cutting myself off. Done w/the tirades. The problem w/mine is she owes me money. So basically have to write it off.

 

It makes it much easier living 3k miles away and giving ph nbr. Tee hee.

[mykdsmomy]

I can relate :grouphug: My parents have given us money (without us asking) many many times just to help out. I appreciate that....but there always seems to be a price :glare:

 

It's all about walking on eggshells around her. My dad is powerless when it comes to her. He has always been super kind, gentle and supportive of us. He has to live with her every day and it's really hard. My oldest sister recently had to move back with my parents and she has had nothing but health problems since she moved back. Her stomach is a disaster and I know it's from my mom.

 

My mom has to control EVERYTHING and everybody. She is not happy unless she is stressing about someone or something! Nobody has it as bad as her. Recently I had a huge health scare and guess who was the "most" stressed over it? Yep, my mom :001_huh: She just couldn't sleep or eat. She was just so worried. It always goes back to how it affects her.

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this but I truly do understand :grouphug:

[Mona100]

I can relate :grouphug: My parents have given us money (without us asking) many many times just to help out. I appreciate that....but there always seems to be a price :glare:

 

It's all about walking on eggshells around her. My dad is powerless when it comes to her. He has always been super kind, gentle and supportive of us. He has to live with her every day and it's really hard. My oldest sister recently had to move back with my parents and she has had nothing but health problems since she moved back. Her stomach is a disaster and I know it's from my mom.

 

My mom has to control EVERYTHING and everybody. She is not happy unless she is stressing about someone or something! Nobody has it as bad as her. Recently I had a huge health scare and guess who was the "most" stressed over it? Yep, my mom :001_huh: She just couldn't sleep or eat. She was just so worried. It always goes back to how it affects her.

 

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this but I truly do understand :grouphug:

 

Yes, walking around on eggshells; I love that saying because it is just too true. My mother plays the martyr and loves doing it. I didn't realize until I moved out for good how bad my stomach aches were until they were gone. I always loved asking what she wanted for her birthday or Christmas because she never knew but if you got her something you could tell she really didn't want it. In the past 4 or 5 years, I have asked her and she tells me that what she wants is something that doesn't exist. How do you ever shop for that?

[Ellie]

If you have to endure the phone calls while you're paying her back, just listen and say 'yeah, hmm.. yeah, hmm..'.

IMHO, there's no reason to endure the telephone calls. Her only obligation is to pay back the money.

 

It's heck when one doesn't have a good relationship with one's parents.

 

:grouphug:

[Mona100]

If you have to endure the phone calls while you're paying her back, just listen and say 'yeah, hmm.. yeah, hmm..'. I can relate to your future fears. My relationship with my mom is a bit weird but not bad, but I have those same future fears. My mom has some mental issues that she won't address and they're getting worse as she gets older. I really cringe at the idea of what I'll face if she outlives her husband. I even posted about it on this board some time ago and got some great words of comfort and advice.

 

Does your dd know? If she does, can you talk with her about how to make the holidays a bright spot for the two of you? Maybe spending some extra time making decorations or cooking?

 

Hopefully, I will be able to pick up some extra shifts next week and that will take care of it. I work 7on/7off. But not until this past year, my daughter has not realized how off my mother is until my DD asked my mom to please stop scrubbing her face so hard. My mom flipped out and basically asked her to leave. My daughter is 15 and doesn't have alot of acne but my mom likes to try to get rid of it all. When I picked my daughter up that day, she had freshly scrubbed pink skin all along her hairline. The "scrubbing" happened 10 hours earlier (I was at work). So we really haven't been back to see them since then (early Sept). I know she will understand. She has had her eyes opened and she has been a big support for me through this episode.

[Hedgehog]

But not until this past year, my daughter has not realized how off my mother is until my DD asked my mom to please stop scrubbing her face so hard. My mom flipped out and basically asked her to leave. My daughter is 15 and doesn't have alot of acne but my mom likes to try to get rid of it all. When I picked my daughter up that day, she had freshly scrubbed pink skin all along her hairline. The "scrubbing" happened 10 hours earlier (I was at work).

 

:blink::svengo:

 

Good grief, that sounds terrible. What is she like!

[freerange]

:grouphug:

[Mona100]

:blink::svengo:

 

Good grief, that sounds terrible. What is she like!

 

Good old mom. I have stories to make your toes curl. But I do love her because she is my mom but I just can't take it now that she is doing crazy stuff to my kid. Sorta glad she waited until my daughter was older but it still hurt my daughter's feelings big time. I am my mother's only daughter and my daughter is her only grandchild. Really really sad situation this has become.