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moms of kids w/ Aspergers: a question


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We've known four or 5 kids w/ Aspergers (all high functioning). . . one of my seven years olds plays beautifully with a child w/ special needs.

 

My other seven year old son gets extremely irritated and doesn't have any tolerance if his project is messed up or whatever.

 

The moms seem to get mad at me. That I'm allowing my son to "be a brat." And I've had countless talks w/ my son about being sensitive and caring towards others.

 

In all honesty, for personal reasons I won't go into here, I have enormous empathy for a person w/ Aspergers.

 

I get so frustrated w/ my son that he gets so frustrated. In fairness to him, he has had projects he was working on wrecked by another child. But also my son isn't always in the "wronged" position -- often he's just intolerant.

 

But I don't know what to do. In our latest situation a fellow co op mom wants us to get the kids outside of co op to play at the park. Been there, done that. It's never made anything better. More exposure doesn't seem to help. And I question the premise behind more exposure. More exposure doesn't necessarily change behaviors.

 

I don't know what to do. My son is saying he doesn't want to go back to co op because this other boy wrecked his project and later hit him in the tucas (hitting is wrong, but I know why the other boy did it).

 

Help!

 

Alley

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I can imagine it is very frustrating for both sides. Has there been any direct correction on the part of the family WITH the Aspie child? Unfortunately some families with kids with special needs expect that we should all just accept the behaviors. I don't get that. I know many families with kids with special needs who still work with their kids on learning appropriate behaviors. Things do still happen and we should all have grace for that. But I guess my point/concern is, are you the only one taking responsibility here?

 

Is there a way that your son can work on his project on another side of the room and have a parent/teacher making sure that everyone is respectful of the projects being worked on? It is difficult for some neuro-typical kids to handle the differences in behavior and while we should continue to work with our kids on their grace for other kids' special needs, we also need to have grace for our kids who don't.

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Cali ~ I really appreciate your response. I am totally mixed up in thinking 1) a mom of a child w/ special needs wants friendly behavior from other kids.

 

But 2) how much can I expect out of a seven year old? He only knows that his stuff got wrecked and then he got hit.

 

His mom is acknowledging that she needs to shadow him a lot more. And I'm going to do the same w/ my son. There aren't a lot of kids in their age range so they get put together a lot.

 

I say a lot of: "just stay away from Herbert (made up name) if you guys can't get along." But for some reason, my son acts like I'm coming up with something that won't work in the long run.

 

Yet another mom talked to me this week about how much my sons climb at the park. Yes, I said at the park. My kids are monkeys and dh has totally encouraged their behavior through the years. This mom has a child who has some coordination issues and she doesn't want to deal w/ him saying, "how come they get to do a, b, c and I can't??"'

 

But she talks to me more in a way of, "what they're doing is wrong and illegal." It's not at all.

 

Is this situation happening to anyone else?

 

Alley

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Yet another mom talked to me this week about how much my sons climb at the park. Yes, I said at the park. My kids are monkeys and dh has totally encouraged their behavior through the years. This mom has a child who has some coordination issues and she doesn't want to deal w/ him saying, "how come they get to do a, b, c and I can't??"'

 

But she talks to me more in a way of, "what they're doing is wrong and illegal." It's not at all.

 

Is this situation happening to anyone else?

 

Alley

This is her problem, not yours or your children's. It is too darn bad if her she does not want to deal with, work with or whatever with her kid. If your kids weren't there wouldn't she would have to deal with the same questions due to stranger kids climbing and doing a, b and c?

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I'm surprised that the moms are getting mad at you. As a parent of a child with Aspergers, I am used to people looking at me in an unpleasant fashion wondering why I'm letting my child act like a brat. I find I'm much more tolerant of behaviours in other children because of what I go through. I think it's perfectly understandable for your son to be upset over his project and being hit. I don't expect other children to act differently to my child and accept things from him that are wrong behaviourally just because he has Aspergers. These are all teachable moments for us. I can't imagine being upset with someone whose kids can do things my son can't. If my son gets upset about it, it's for me to deal with, not other parents. I think that leads to resentment towards the kids with issues, and I never want that.

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Thank you everyone for your responses.

 

DS -- is there anything I can do to potentially start a friendship? The mom has said her son loves board games and so do my kids. Do you think that might just end up being another area for disagreements? My hope is that the board game would be absorbing enough to get them away from fighting.

 

Any ideas are so weylcome. I don't really want to leave the co op.

 

Alle

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