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What to do about the whining?


mo2
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I am sick of it. Whenever I ask my 8yo to do something, I hear, "But I don't want to," or "But I'm doing something!" or "Why doesn't brother have to clean the litter box?" (He's THREE!) Anyway, you get the picture. Eventually she does what I ask, but not until I threaten to take something away (the next girl scouts meeting, TV time, whatever). And then it's: "Fine!" and she stomps away to do it.

 

This applies to everything: Chores, school, sharing, getting dressed, brushing teeth... :banghead:

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About that age, I found that having a chore list made my kids feel a little better about helping out. They got their "free time" to play when the chores were done. I would write out a list and they would let me know when they were ready for me to check it. The list made them feel more in control.

 

Our fix for general all-the-time whining was an earlier bed time. Maybe that would help? Actually - this works really well now that they are teenagers, too!

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My son does this constantly. Most of the time I'll reply, "No body cares that you don't want to do this. You're part of this family and you need to help out." That's usually pretty ineffective. Like the previous poster, I've found, strangely enough, that lists to help. I'll just write a list for each kid on the white board what he/she needs to do and for some reason... they do it.

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What works for my 7yo DS is "You can do it now - cheerfully & quickly - and then get back to what you were enjoying, or you can continue whining and then do two jobs for me instead of one. What's your choice?" Generally works like a charm - and when it doesn't work, it's still working for me... :D

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Here is your list. I can't hear whining. I will be back in ten minutes.

 

I don't take or threaten. Otherwise I find you need to find bigger and better things to take and threaten with. We are pretty simple people, so there isn't much to take away.

 

I find if you are persistant they get over it. My Aspie is a big whinner. I try to set my children up for success. I get up before them. I make sure food is ready, groceries are bought. I've had to realize I was often acting like a child when I needed to be the mom. That was hard.

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I am sick of it. Whenever I ask my 8yo to do something, I hear, "But I don't want to," or "But I'm doing something!" or "Why doesn't brother have to clean the litter box?" (He's THREE!) Anyway, you get the picture. Eventually she does what I ask, but not until I threaten to take something away (the next girl scouts meeting, TV time, whatever). And then it's: "Fine!" and she stomps away to do it.

 

This applies to everything: Chores, school, sharing, getting dressed, brushing teeth... :banghead:

 

Mine get to try answering me in a polite tone of voice over and over again until they get it right. I don't allow them to continue doing whatever they were doing. I go to them, I take them by the shoulders, look them in the face and explain exactly what they are going to do and how they are going to do it. I don't allow stomping off, they would have to walk back to me and walk away with a better attitude. eta: I agree with NM, "yes, ma'am," is the right answer.

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I stopped giving warnings. At first, I felt like the meanest mother on earth, but it only took a few times before they caught on. So, I say "Put the dishes away." Ds starts to whine and I walk directly to his room (to get his DS, the game thing). The first time he just watched me go, a little puzzled. I did not say a word to him, I just went. When I came back with his DS I said, "You will lose television priviledges for the night (this was when we still had TV) if I have to repeat myself." He was pretty bewildered (so was dd when it happened to her), but after a few losses they figure it out.

 

ETA, I might also say, "It wasn't a request."

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If it were me, I would take a week and do some training. I'd sit her down and let her know, "Sweetheart, lately you've had a poor attitude when I have asked for your help. It's not acceptable. [At this point I would share scripture with my kids on attitude and cheerfulness.] This week we will work on teaching you the correct way to respond. When I call you to help or assign you something to do I expect to hear 'Yes ma'am I am coming'. Nothing else. I don't care what you are doing. Unless you are in the bathroom, I should hear 'Yes ma'am I am coming'. If you are in the bathroom, I should hear "I'm in the bathroom and will be right there." Nothing else. And I expect to hear the wonderful pitter-patter of your feet. Let's practice. Go run to your room..."

 

And then we'd practice. About 10 times a day in 5 minute intervals. I'd make it fun and light. When my kids were 2 I did this with them and gave them an m&m every time they came for a couple of days. Then intermittent m&ms. You know the deal.

 

Then, after a few days of fun, cheerful training I would let them know that now that they know the rules and how to behave there will be consequences if they whine and complain when I ask them to help. You have to decide your kids currency. If they whine while playing - the toy disappears until further notice and then they model the proper response 5 times. If it's a tv thing - the tv is off for the rest of the day. If it's just attitude - we'll practice a good attitude by doing another chore.

 

When they are done helping or just coming when you call (I would throw in a few "hug trips" or treat trips just to reinforce the behavior) I would give them a big hug, tell them how helpful they are, tell them thank you, etc. I'd also brag on them to DH at dinner.

 

I would encourage you to do this cheerfully and enthusiastically. First train - then hold accountable. It will be well worth your time!

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