The line between love/acceptance and guiding/helping one to change...

[BMW]

One boy has a harder time getting along with others... in the family... at school... at church.

 

Sometimes I try to explain to him the things that he does that annoy others... I say that I am not picking on him, but trying to help him. And it's just not that things "annoy" others. It's that they turn others off.

 

He is neurotypical. He doesn't seem to care.

 

He is 11. He loves pokemon. He goes around the room battling and waving his arms. He goes out to the van flitting around and waving his wrists, hands and arms like a butterfly. He walks like a lady, swaying his hips. He runs with his neck stuck way out ahead, arms flying behind him. He sings tunes with baby voices.

 

So... how much would you work with him, if you were the parent here? Would you simply ignore these things?

 

I know it's not just an "at home" thing.

 

If you wanted to talk about the things that are awkward, what would you say/how would you say it?

 

I keep thinking that some of the social scenes will help improve this...

 

(That said, he has a solid relationship with me. He loves to cook and is by my side a lot of evenings. He has improved recently in other areas.)

[NorthwestMom]

I am a former special ed teacher, and I also have a DS who is neurotypical but has quirks like your son. I do what I consider to be "direct social instruction". For example, my son (also 11) jumps up and down and flaps when very excited. I have taken him aside as we entered group settings and pointed out, "Look at all the kids. No one else flaps when they are excited." Say it in a calm, non-accusatory way. "I don't want you to flap in public, because you will stick out and the kids are eventually going to tease you. It looks strange. Instead, I want you to do what the other kids are doing - smile and laugh. If you start to flap, I'll remind you, but if you can't stop we're going to leave until you get yourself under control." Follow through with a reminder, and then leave if he won't stop.

 

Our culture has a lot of "be yourself" messages, but the reality is, kids who have unusual behaviors such as our kids are at much greater risk for bullying and ostracism as they get older. In my experience, speaking politely but straightforwardly about the behaviors you don't want to see, and offering appropriate replacements, is the best method for changing habits. Good luck!

[mktkcb]

totally agree. Have had 2 such children, and have done pretty much what NWmom has said. Mine were/are flappers, flitters, talk-to-your-selfers, laugh at your own jokes, dance in public kids LOL. Well, my oldest was more the flapper, run like the wind, barefoot, jump over all the pews to get somewhere type. My youngest is more the flitter, talk to yourself, dance in public one... Anyway, none of my kids were such that I decided they needed to be diagnosed officially with anything, but just quirky, and (I now know) have definite issues - although not severe - with spd. Definitely direct instruction. I don't get mad at my now 14yo son, and he is much better on many of these things than he was even at 11. But........yeah, "Ya know..you cannot do that here. Look around. Do you see anybody else doing that. Thats your clue. Pay attention....etc etc." or if he's been telling silly jokes in the car and laughing to himself over them, or spieling (reciting favorite monologues/movie scenes..whatever), we have to remind him when he gets out....NO MORE!!! LOL :o). He will *never* be "cool" like other teens, but thats ok...we aren't a very cool family. But he is involved in theater, which he is fantastic at, and where quirks are much more acceptable (as long as he doesn't space out, and pays attention....which is hard for him, but he is learning). It's a learning process. Enjoy him. Kids like this are fun when they aren't driving you crazy.

[Unicorn.]

Just wanted to say...I thought I was the only one w/ a ds that "flapped". Nice to know I'm not alone. He has gotten better, and only does it occasionally at home. Lots of repeated reminders as you all seem to be doing. He was also a self-talker, has sensory issues, etc. Isn't it ironic, that we spend so much time time saying "Don't act like the other kids"...."Be yourself"....."If everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you"....And then we have to tell them..."Just act like the other kids in the room!" :lol:

[NorthwestMom]

Isn't it ironic, that we spend so much time time saying "Don't act like the other kids"...."Be yourself"....."If everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you"....And then we have to tell them..."Just act like the other kids in the room!" :lol:

 

The thing is, nonconformity as a CHOICE can be great. Unconscious nonconformity can be ostracizing. We all know adults who don't know the unspoken social rules... and they can be difficult to be around. We don't want our kids to be left out because other kids are embarrassed that they are flapping instead of playing it cool. :)