The Family Blame Game

[merry gardens]

The "blame game" is on of the things I struggle with the most as the mother of a special needs child.

 

My husband has dyslexia and his brother is on the autism spectrum. There's something not quite "normal" about my mother-in-law either--I think she may have something along the lines of ADHD. FIL was a horrible speller. I knew my husband for two years before we got married, but didn't know these things about him and his family at the time. When one of my children had serious problems learning to read, I started doing research on dyslexia for my son. There are clearly some genetic factors involved in my son's reading problems.

 

I hate this. I hate thinking like this. My son got half his genes from me too. It's not like my own family and me are perfect. Far from it. But we didn't have academic struggles. My sister is Mensa-type smart and my dad was amazing too, especially at spelling. I struggled with learning to read, but my mom sat me down every night and had me read to her. I have vague memories of other help they gave me with reading too. Maybe I'm a corrected dyslexic, for all I know.

 

I HATE knowing that genetics plays a roll in dyslexia. In some ways it saves me from blaming my teaching, but in a completely different way, I blame my husband, his family and myself for the genetics that caused the problems. It messes with my mind (and my marriage) as I question why I married into this messed-up family. I know it's stupid, but on the rough days I do it anyway.

 

And...I'm still processing my BIL's diagnosis. I suspected for a long time he had autism. He's a grown man who was never "normal", but the doctor only recently gave him a diagnosis on the autism spectrum. When I worry about my son, somewhere in the background of my mind, I worry that he's going to end up like my BIL. BIL has some serious issues. That would be a whole different thread, but it's not easy dealing with him and we've had to deal with him more lately. His behavior has some carry-over to my husband and his family dynamics, and vice-versa. Somehow, I feel like we're paying for the sins of my husband's parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and more. And it's not like I come from a family of saints and perfect people either.

 

I don't know why I'm writing this thread. Maybe I'm just looking for company. I'm sure I can't be the only one who ruminates about the roll of genetics, family upbringing, and "who to blame " when dealing with their children's special needs. It might be easier if I thought I was only dealing with one isolated case of a child who has struggles with reading, but instead I see a whole family tree of people with problems.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, I'm really sorry for you... your husband... your marriage... your family. :( On the other hand, "issues" like aspergers (perhaps that's what your BIL has?) are MUCH better if you are able to deal with them. SO, think of it this way, perhaps, ...if you can model the right social behaviours, in a way he can understand... he can grow up to be much different than your BIL. He has a good start... with a good Mama... who can help him down a good path...for him.

 

Sorry as you're grieving, but I hope that you can see a spark of light at the end....

:)

[sbgrace]

:grouphug: I don't know how long you've been dealing with your child's special needs but sometimes this sort of thing is part of the grief process that many of us go through when we're sorting through issues our kids face. It can take time (a very long time) to go through that process. But I honestly don't think this type of thing is going to occupy your mind as time goes on. I don't think about this stuff much or at least when I do it doesn't have the emotional charge it used to have. FWIW, my son likely got his spectrum stuff from his father's side of the family but he got his metabolic condition from me. My mother's side of the family is responsible for that metabolic thing and also some other (worse for me) struggles I face. I don't blame her or anything and I hope she wouldn't blame herself (or my father wouldn't either). As you pointed out we all get "stuff" from families and no family is perfect. In fact, our struggles are part of what make us who we become. Of course I would save my son and myself from struggle but no doubt it shapes us for better as well as worse.

[mommaduck]

(((hugs)))

[Stacy in NJ]

:grouphug:

 

But I also want to point out that pretty much everything is genetic: alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, mental illness. We are all the sum total of everyone that came before us, all of their "good" qualities as well as the "bad". It is what it is.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but it really is very important to focus on the positive. We all can get totally caught up in the what if's and the whys but they are just soooo unproductive.

 

May I suggest the Serentity Prayer for those times when you feel very discouraged?

 

The Full Original Copy of the Serenity Prayer

by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

God, give us grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

 

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

 

Amen.

[VinNY]

You are not alone.:grouphug:

My husband jokes that the first half of our crew are from my side of the family..the rest from his. Most of his family struggled with speech and school.

 

Years ago I heard a homeschool mom of an asperger's kid quip.."In the evenings, when I comment about my days with my son, my husband will invariably say..Oh I used to do that..or my brother Bobby. And the more I looked at my husband's quirks which I thought were so endearing, the more I realized that he was on the spectrum,too. Next time ladies, make sure you ask if your spouse took a big bus or a little bus to school. Least you'll know what you are getting into!" At the time I thought she was harsh, but then I wasn't homeschooling 2 LD kids.

 

My struggle is that I compare my early homeschool days of efficient learning, lots of field trips and a social life to my current life of running to therapies, spending hours teaching and reteaching the same concepts. Plus for awhile there, I was obsessing on what product or magic program will increase my dtrs low memory, speech blah blah. I wouldn't want to talk to me..that was all that was on my mind.:lol:

 

Any way, I kind of knew I was going to have to struggle with a couple of kids, but I thought more on the lines of what I had to do with my 11 yr old . With my dtr, I need therapists and outside help, testing and money, money:glare: which I wasn't anticipating. But then again, I think of situations alot worse then mine, children with conditions that make me cry and I witness the devotion of these parents, which then makes want to slap myself silly for complaining about having to teach my dtr 1st grade math again for the third year in a row!

 

BTW, Stacy..my birthday was on Sunday..and the kids bought me a beautiful plaque with the Serenity Prayer. So true...

[PeterPan]

I don't mind genetics, because that's unchangeable. I only mind UNACKNOWLEDGED genetics. When a certain someone finally catches on that I work my butt off trying to teach this child in a way that suits her because of HIS genes, maybe then I'll get some credit. But no, for the last 11 years everything has been "my fault." If she's messy, I'm a bad mother. If she doesn't write neatly, I'm a bad teacher. If she isn't fast enough with her facts, obviously I'm too much of a slob and slouch to drill her enough. Everything is my fault. (BTW, that is not necessarily criticism from in my house. I've gotten it from evaluating teachers, etc. as well.) Well now that they're finally figuring out it's NOT all my fault, I feel such a weight lifted.

 

Genetics I can live with. We're in a cursed world that is decaying. It's not like the other person wanted to pass on bad genes or something. And more interestingly, it's not like the dc views his life as not worth living. See I've thought about this with my ds and wondering if I should have more (which we seem to have no say in anyway with my body, haha). It's easy to get into a "my kid is defective" mode, and you totally miss the beauty of the human being in front of you. Yes, they're a pain in the butt. Yes, I'd rather not have to go to so many therapy sessions, have money flow like water from my small wallet, and have my head filled with concerns. But they're such joyous, wonderful people. I enjoy their presence anyway. So I try to think about them, not the diagnosis. I just enjoy them and hang the genetics. The genetics was just the wallpaper to color our house. It doesn't fill it.

[Guest AshleyWilis]

hi,

Well I can understand your problem but I can't exactly say what to do.. I say my aunt sufffering in her family as her sister in law is 32 and she is having mental disorder with hearing disorder also... You want believe when my aunt has her first baby her sister in law through that baby from bed and laugh like hell ...

I really can't manage this kind of things..

hat off to you people how deal and manage things as much as they can

[Tiramisu]

Well now that they're finally figuring out it's NOT all my fault, I feel such a weight lifted.

 

Genetics I can live with. We're in a cursed world that is decaying. It's not like the other person wanted to pass on bad genes or something. And more interestingly, it's not like the dc views his life as not worth living. See I've thought about this with my ds and wondering if I should have more (which we seem to have no say in anyway with my body, haha). It's easy to get into a "my kid is defective" mode, and you totally miss the beauty of the human being in front of you. Yes, they're a pain in the butt. Yes, I'd rather not have to go to so many therapy sessions, have money flow like water from my small wallet, and have my head filled with concerns. But they're such joyous, wonderful people. I enjoy their presence anyway. So I try to think about them, not the diagnosis. I just enjoy them and hang the genetics. The genetics was just the wallpaper to color our house. It doesn't fill it.

 

Beautifully said.

[rafiki]

.

[merry gardens]

Thanks everyone. :grouphug:

 

I get tired and frustrated some days. My son is making progress in his reading and writing, but it is such slow progress.

 

I'm also frustrated with my husband's family over a number of things beyond their genetics. Maybe it's partly related to their genetics. I don't know why they are the way they are. I can blame it on genetics, but we each share some responsible for our actions and what we do with what we do with what we're given.

[PeterPan]

Ok, I'll throw a monkey wrench in here and say that SOME things they say are genetic are actually treatable. I've gotten over cursing myself for my body, because I realized I could make choices and take responsibility to bring it in check and keep it manageable.

[lulubelle]

I know some of what you feel. I've begun to think that not only should couples have pre-marital counseling, but genetic counseling! Love is blind!!!

[Tiramisu]

I wanted to add that I recently saw the evaluation of a relative's child. I was curious because I was wondering if there could be a family pattern. Interestingly, the scores were solidly normal, yet the child has struggled academically for years. My dc, on the other hand, shows evidence of undetermined disabilities according to an evaluation, and my own observations, but has always performed well. Genetics is one thing, but environment means a lot.

[Mom0012]

My son inherited at least part of his language-based learning disability from my husband as well as all his horrible allergies. That was quite a shock to me because I never had any problems like that and I certainly didn't expect one of my children to. It seems kind of stupid to me now that I didn't realize this was a possibility.

 

On the bright side, my husband is very social, likeable and kind. He enjoys people and talks to them in a way that makes them want to share about themselves. I am happy to say my son inherited these traits from my husband as well.

 

Lisa

[merry gardens]

...On the bright side, my husband is very social, likeable and kind. He enjoys people and talks to them in a way that makes them want to share about themselves. I am happy to say my son inherited these traits from my husband as well.

 

Lisa

That is a really good point! My son has inheritated (or aquirred) some really wonderful traits from my husband.

 

I have to stop focussing on the negative. It really just discourages me, and it serves no constructive purpose. I'm glad that I shared here because this is something that I have been struggling with. Thanks to everyone for your insights.

[RamonaQ]

I have joked over the years that the "bad genetics" came from my husband's side. But honestly, I think my dh and his family are some of the kindest, gentlest, non-judgmental, unconditionally loving people I have ever met, it would be a sincere shame to lose that in the gene pool.

 

Yah, dealing with ds's dyslexia is not what I imagined for my life (good-bye former career) and sometimes I am worried/ scared/ sad/ overwhelmed, but I am grateful that I can live what I value, and how I have grown in my own compassion and understanding of difference.

[VinNY]

I have joked over the years that the "bad genetics" came from my husband's side. But honestly, I think my dh and his family are some of the kindest, gentlest, non-judgmental, unconditionally loving people I have ever met, it would be a sincere shame to lose that in the gene pool.

 

Yah, dealing with ds's dyslexia is not what I imagined for my life (good-bye former career) and sometimes I am worried/ scared/ sad/ overwhelmed, but I am grateful that I can live what I value, and how I have grown in my own compassion and understanding of difference.

 

:iagree: same here..it was those qualities that made me feel so comfortable and attracted to my husband and his family.

[peacefully]

That is a really good point! My son has inheritated (or aquirred) some really wonderful traits from my husband.

 

I have to stop focussing on the negative. It really just discourages me, and it serves no constructive purpose. I'm glad that I shared here because this is something that I have been struggling with. Thanks to everyone for your insights.

 

:iagree: My husband's entire family (it seems) has sensory processing, learning, mood or personality disorders. :tongue_smilie: I like to joke that I married into a family of complete wackos.

 

Dh is dyslexic. Probably ADHD too. He also graduated from Berkeley, received a full scholarship to medical school as a Regent scholar, scores in the 98th percentile of medical exams and boards, and is a generous, kind, loving man who more often than not puts the needs of others above his own. He regularly credits his learning disabilities as the reason he had to develop strength of character and perseverance. If my son inherits even a part of his father's integrity, I'll be grateful for the learning disabilities that he has to deal with.

[specialmama]

Wow. Sisterhood, here we come!

My son was dx'd with severe autism. We went through genetic counselling which was... interesting. :glare: Here's the low-down: dh has asperger's, mild OCD and ADD. All his siblings have OCD. His father has OCD. His mother has a severe learning disability (grade 4 level max.) and his uncle has schizophrenia and has lived in a full security institution for 40+ years. It is very easy to play the blame game.

But you know what? I look at my beautiful boy and I know it's not his fault he has autism. Therefore, it's not my dh's fault that he has asperger's, OCD and ADD. It's nobody's fault. But two distinct things happened to make this silly blame game stop.

First, I realized that someday I'd love my son to get married. It's a huge dream because that would mean he'd come so far from where he is today. But if he ever does get married, I'd want his wife to cut him some slack; to be understanding about his quirks and to love him as unconditionally as I do. :001_wub: Something about that thought process released me from playing that blame game. Please read the purple over and see if a light comes on for you, as it did for me. It's a hard thought to put into words, so I hope it comes across as profound as it is in my head. I want my future daughter-in-law to love him so completely that she never points fingers at us or his grandparents, but instead looks at all the wonderful things about him, like his eyes, his laugh, his ability to never tire of laughing while playing movies in fast forward and reverse. Oh, and how (like yesterday) he can draw a picture of himself with us, and draw a rainbow over it, and when asked what the picture is of, he says "family with happy shimmers." :001_wub:

Second, I discovered about 8 years into marriage that I have a nervous tic. A new friend asked me why I rang like a phone every time I approached the crowd. I had no idea. All I knew is that I was nervous walking up (alone) to the crowd of people and I did sort of blank out for a second while I gathered my composure. That is when the tic occurred but I never knew. So here I was for years thinking that my family was "normal". How ironic. :lol: Well, not really... pride goes before a fall.

 

I hope some of this has helped a bit. Just know that you are not alone, and that there is freedom from this weight. This is such a burdensome thought process that robs people of their sparks. You're at the beginning of a great journey, one that will free you and deepen the love and acceptance of those around you, so long as you work toward it and try not to feed the negative. :grouphug: Have a blessed journey... we'll party at the end of it, celebrating all of our quirks and happy family shimmers!

[Renee in NC]

In our case my dh gets a free pass - he is adopted and we don't know his background.:lol:

 

It runs in my family. All 5 of my boys have language issues, some worse than others. My father and one of his sisters had the same problem. At least one (and probably two) of my father's uncles had the same problem.

 

There are at least 3 of us with ADD - me, my oldest, and my 9yo. It is likely that my 12yo is as well, and maybe even the 4yo girl (she has many of the same behaviors as my 9yo did - she is an INTENSE child.) BOTH of my parents are ADD!

 

I have told dh that I bet we would find dyslexia in his family or origin, because it isn't likely we got "lucky" with all 5 boys with it only coming from me.:001_huh: The first psychiatrist that my 9yo saw told me it was probably my fault because I had so many babies close together and my poor vitamin stores caused all the disabilities.:glare: (We don't see here anymore, thank goodness!)

 

The good things come from all this, too. My 12yo is a mechanical genius like my Dad. My 9yo is artistic and has a gift for caring for the "fragile" (babies, elderly, handicapped, etc.) My 8yo loves music and is a really great kid (or so his teacher tells me!) My 17yo loves music, art, mechanics, and is an amazing people person. I am sure that my 4yo has gifts, too. Sometimes focusing on the positive is the only way to get past the agony of the not-so-positive.

Edited November 18, 2010 by Renee in FL

[AmyinMD]

Dyslexia runs in my dh's family. He was diagnosed at 8 and his mom is pretty sure she has it and so did her dad.

 

So far our 12 yo is dyslexic (no official diagnosis but all signs point to it with her last round of testing). My 6 yo son is showing several of the same signs as my oldest at the same age. My 10 yo dd is not dyslexic luckily and I don't think my 6 yo dd is. I can't tell with my youngest 2 yet. My almost 3 yo son receives services through EI for a speech delay. He is also behind in fine motor skills and does not imitate like most children do. They do not think he is autistic but he is likely going to go to a special education class through the school district in the spring that is primarily for children on the spectrum.

[PeterPan]

I don't understand why we all should have had genetic counseling? Not like I would have said NO to children just because my kids have these (in the scheme of things actually minor) problems. There was even a lady on Larry King Live once who has webbed fingers who went ahead and had kids, KNOWING her kids were genetically very likely to inherit it! That story was what shifted my thinking on this issue. Even if it's hard to grapple with at the time, it's not like they have to regret their existence.

 

(I grant there are people for whom things are more extreme or who make a different choice.)

 

And I totally agree with Kelli. My dd has worse issues than her other genetic contributor, but she does MUCH better in all things academic, mainly because she has had personal attention, identification, and direct work on them. If you get shoved through a system or told that's just how it is, pretty hard to get help for your problems!

[merry gardens]

:iagree: My husband's entire family (it seems) has sensory processing, learning, mood or personality disorders. :tongue_smilie: I like to joke that I married into a family of complete wackos.

 

Dh is dyslexic. Probably ADHD too. He also graduated from Berkeley, received a full scholarship to medical school as a Regent scholar, scores in the 98th percentile of medical exams and boards, and is a generous, kind, loving man who more often than not puts the needs of others above his own. He regularly credits his learning disabilities as the reason he had to develop strength of character and perseverance. If my son inherits even a part of his father's integrity, I'll be grateful for the learning disabilities that he has to deal with.

 

You reminded me of something I'd forgotten. I used to credit my husband's brother, (more specifically my husband's experience of growing up and helping care for his brother) as being one of the reasons my husband is as responsible and caring as he is. My husband is a good man. I don't know if he would have learned those skills from his family if it had not been for his brother. His brother's extreme "neediness" helped my husband learn sympathy and compassion.

 

Neither my husband nor his parents recognized that my husband had any type of learning disorder when my husband was growing up. As I deal with a child who has dyslexia, it amazes me that they didn't notice what was going on with my dh. His parents just seemed to assume that my husband wasn't smart, (which is not true.) His brother's problems couldn't be ignored. I'm sure it must have been overwhelming sometimes for my MIL and FIL. Perhaps some of the selfishness I see in my MIL was just her way of coping. My husband had a lot to do with raising his little brother. My BIL followed my husband everywhere.

 

I'm resentful towards my in-laws for how they treat(ed) my husband. His father recently passed away. The family dynamics are different now. . His dad helped balance out my MIL, who has some impulse control issues of her own. BIL has lashed out at my husband a couple of times recently. These people simply do not know or appreciate my husband the way they should. It makes me mad. It makes me sad for my husband as both a mother and as a wife.

 

It takes a lot out of my husband when he deals with his brother and mother. After he's dealt with them, he seems to have less to give to me and our children, but he's probably learning through all this how to give even more of himself than he's ever given before. If it had not been for having a brother with special needs, (and a slightly wacky mother) my husband may not have developed the wonderful character and qualities that he does has. I should remind myself of that more often.

[specialmama]

I don't understand why we all should have had genetic counseling? Not like I would have said NO to children just because my kids have these (in the scheme of things actually minor) problems. There was even a lady on Larry King Live once who has webbed fingers who went ahead and had kids, KNOWING her kids were genetically very likely to inherit it! That story was what shifted my thinking on this issue. Even if it's hard to grapple with at the time, it's not like they have to regret their existence.

 

(I grant there are people for whom things are more extreme or who make a different choice.)

 

 

 

I'm not sure to whom your question is aimed, so forgive me if your question was rhetorical. I can only speak from our experience, but where we were living at the time, genetic counseling was just part of the recommendations in the process of obtaining a dx. Sure we could have opted out, but it was covered by our healthcare so we decided to do it simply to know our odds of having another special needs child. NOT that we would have terminated a pregnancy if there was a problem, because we would not have, but some people just like to be prepared and to know their odds. Or in our case, to prepare MIL so she doesn't say anything off-colour. ;)

 

Actually, the MIL prep came prior to my ds's birth, as we were expecting a child with facial deformity and didn't wish her to gasp or cry in her usual dramatic way in front of us or our dd. It was for her own protection because I would have gone apesnot on her :lol: Anyhow, I believe the gist remains though, that preparation, be it mental, educational or physical, is often the reason some people choose to get genetic counseling.

[RamonaQ]

:iagree: My husband's entire family (it seems) has sensory processing, learning, mood or personality disorders. :tongue_smilie: I like to joke that I married into a family of complete wackos.

 

Dh is dyslexic. Probably ADHD too. He also graduated from Berkeley, received a full scholarship to medical school as a Regent scholar, scores in the 98th percentile of medical exams and boards, and is a generous, kind, loving man who more often than not puts the needs of others above his own. He regularly credits his learning disabilities as the reason he had to develop strength of character and perseverance. If my son inherits even a part of his father's integrity, I'll be grateful for the learning disabilities that he has to deal with.

 

Awww! That makes me weepy. Honestly, this is exactly what the neuropsych told us when I bemoaned that every story that they told me about successful dyslexic people in the world involved some sort of catastrophic personal failure. They looked at me like I was crazy and said, but this is what makes these people so brilliant, they do not fear failure, they assume it and are able to do things that most people would shy away from-- they have the strength of character and inner reserves to be remarkable.

[merry gardens]

... The first psychiatrist that my 9yo saw told me it was probably my fault because I had so many babies close together and my poor vitamin stores caused all the disabilities.:glare: (We don't see here anymore, thank goodness!)....

:mad: What a jerk!

 

 

My MIL has played this blame game for a long time without knowing what was really going on with my BIL until relatively recently. He grew up at a time when they didn't diagnosis autism much, and when they did diagnosis it, they blamed the mother. MIL's often said she thinks his problems were because her daughter was born so close after him that he just didn't get enough attention as a baby. I wonder if some jerk psychologist or other ignorant "expert" put the idea in my MIL's head to blame my SIL.

 

SIL is the youngest and she had no academic or language problems, even though she was born close after my BIL. I suspect that as a baby my SIL helped her special needs brother progress, rather than being the cause of the problem. I heard a theory that having a "normal" sibling close behind a developmentally delayed child can sometimes push the older special needs child along to take developmental steps with the younger brother or sister. BIL's speech problems were apparent early, and his first word (very, very late) was his little baby sister's name.

 

I need to be more charitable to my MIL.

[PeterPan]

Specialmama, that makes a lot of sense! To use genetic counseling as a way to be prepared makes good sense.

 

I've got the flipside on the nutrition thing. I ate about PERFECTLY with my ds, I'm talking organic, what the nutritionist said, lots of fruits and veges, blah blah. When we started suspecting a speech problem she told me he "couldn't" have a problem because I had eaten well. Haha, can't win. I decided to treat the child I saw before me, not my wishful thinking. ;)

 

Without going into an extreme amount of detail, I'll say that I doubt the close sibling help thing proves true in all cases. In some it serves more to exacerbate comparison.

[zaichiki]

On days when I want to blame my dh for things my kids struggle with...

 

a genetic type of dyslexia from dh and fil

occasional paralyzing anxiety and fear of change from dh and mil

the working memory of a flea

super flat feet (leading now to pain in the knees)

complete lack of physical coordination

 

I also try to remember the great stuff they've inherited from him...

 

red hair (everyone complements them)

amazing visual-spatial skills

a knack for languages

the ability to memorize the tiniest unimportant detail without even trying

a huge heart and complete devotion to their loved ones

 

It also helps to remember that all this stuff is spread out among the kids. Can you imagine if one child had to deal with all of that???

 

:)

 

(They get struggles from my side of the family, too, but SSSSHHHH don't tell!)

[HeidiD]

So here I was for years thinking that my family was "normal". How ironic. :lol: Well, not really... pride goes before a fall.

 

 

I never thought my family was "normal" but it just keeps getting worse and worse! :tongue_smilie:

 

Yesterday I had my hearing tested for the first time ever. Turns out I have the identical pattern of hearing impairment as my son with CAPD (who was also having a follow-up hearing test) but I never knew it! :lol: The audiologist said that this type of similarity could be genetic and advised me to have the other kids tested. :tongue_smilie:

 

I'm actually grateful for my husband's "normal" genes - who knows how much worse it could have been without them! :lol:

 

I love all the inspiring responses on this thread! They're really uplifting! :)