Advice for parenting a strong willed child.

[lynn]

TIA.

[IsabelC]

Er, specifically?

[Pink Fairy]

I've got two in my bunch, but what works for one doesn't work with the other. I think you'll need to share more--age, gender, specific issues, etc.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Be stronger willed?

 

Really- we need more details. . .:001_smile:

[Joyofsixreboot]

Trial and error so far.

[Julie in Austin]

I don't know if this would work for anyone else's kid, but this is what worked for mine:

 

Said calmly, no emotion: "If the floor is swept before 2pm, you can then watch TV. Otherwise, no TV today." And walk away.

 

What didn't work: "You WILL sweep that floor!"

 

Seriously, any time I tried to insist on one choice, he would dig in his heels so far it would crack the foundation of our house. I could have insisted he eat chocolate and he would have refused for the sheer pleasure of showing that I couldn't control him. It took me years to figure out that the only thing that would work for this kid was (1) no emotion and (2) no engagement and (3) offering two choices, both of which were OK with me.

[....]

I've got one screaming her head off right now. She spent about half an hour screaming, kicking me, slapping me, she threw her head against the wall, etc...because? Drumroll....Scooby-Doo is over. :smilielol5: Hilarious what seems so important to them. After 4 kids, I'm pretty desensitized to tantrums and it doesn't bother me. :D

 

Someone recommended this book once - http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Rev/dp/0060739665/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289872069&sr=8-1 I'm not sure if it's a good one, though, I didn't read it. It gets good ratings, tho.

 

(edited to say: this is the 3 yro that's throwing the tantrum - lol)

[Nakia]

My oldest is very strong-willed. The thing that helped me most was to realize that her personality is not a mistake (not saying you think your child's is), and God created her for a purpose. I am strong willed too, so it has been a challenging 10 years, lol. We talk a lot about how to do deal with things when they don't go your way, anger control, being flexible, and being kind to others when they frustrate you. She is a beautiful, intelligent, confident girl, and we work every day on using her personality for good. It's working. ;)

 

Hang in there!!

[Lolly]

I don't know if this would work for anyone else's kid, but this is what worked for mine:

 

Said calmly, no emotion: "If the floor is swept before 2pm, you can then watch TV. Otherwise, no TV today." And walk away.

 

What didn't work: "You WILL sweep that floor!"

 

Seriously, any time I tried to insist on one choice, he would dig in his heels so far it would crack the foundation of our house. I could have insisted he eat chocolate and he would have refused for the sheer pleasure of showing that I couldn't control him. It took me years to figure out that the only thing that would work for this kid was (1) no emotion and (2) no engagement and (3) offering two choices, both of which were OK with me.

 

 

And try to never say "no". Funniest thing, I realized today that ds was using these same tactics I use on him on me. I pointed it out, and we had quite a laugh!

[FairProspects]

And try to never say "no". Funniest thing, I realized today that ds was using these same tactics I use on him on me. I pointed it out, and we had quite a laugh!

 

:iagree:Try to say yes as much as possible (even to spaghetti for breakfast) so that you can save your nos for the things that really matter (respect, self-control, etc.) Also, I've found that giving choices even if the end result is the same really helps because strong willed kids need to have some control over their actions.

[Denise in Florida]

I have one of those too!

 

When she was little (2 or 3) I complained to my mother about how strong willed she was. My mom asked me if I wanted a weak-willed child? :lol: Perspective helps.

 

My best advice:

 

1. Choose your battles, if the issue isn't important let it go.

 

2. DO NOT MANIPULATE THE CHILD. They will know it and resent it. To me (and her) that included 'reward' systems and emotional blackmail. She responded much better to straight forward, explicit instructions and limited choices. By limited choices I mean .. rather than tell her 'you can't wear x' tell her "you can wear either x or y".

 

eta: I know the term 'emotional blackmail' an be misinterrupted, I am referring to the over the top guilt fest approach I have seen some moms use. One of my dds is very empathetic and will respond to a gentle emtional plea. ie. 'think how you would feel ..' the other one seemed to see this as a 'guilt trip' and would just dig in harder.

 

Good luck

Edited November 16, 2010 by Denise in Florida

[Nakia]

I have one of those too!

 

When she was little (2 or 3) I complained to my mother about how strong willed she was. My mom asked me if I wanted a weak-willed child? :lol: Perspective helps.

 

My best advice:

 

1. Choose your battles, if the issue isn't important let it go.

 

2. DO NOT MANIPULATE THE CHILD. They will know it and resent it. To me (and her) that included 'reward' systems and emotional blackmail. She responded much better to straight forward, explicit instructions and limited choices. By limited choices I mean .. rather than tell her 'you can't wear x' tell her "you can wear either x or y".

 

eta: I know the term 'emotional blackmail' an be misinterrupted, I am referring to the over the top guilt fest approach I have seen some moms use. One of my dds is very empathetic and will respond to a gentle emtional plea. ie. 'think how you would feel ..' the other one seemed to see this as a 'guilt trip' and would just dig in harder.

 

Good luck

 

Yes, a million times yes to the bolded!!!

[LibraryLover]

The strong -willed child will keep you from saying things like, "My child would *never* do that."

 

This will come in handy. :)

[Lucy in Australia]

The strong -willed child will keep you from saying things like, "My child would *never* do that."

 

Ain't that the truth! I often think if I had stopped at one I could have been a parenting expert :tongue_smilie:

 

What worked (and still works) with my strong-willed one is what Julie said:

"You need to do x by 9am or you can't y" and then go through with it. This was very painful the first few times I did it (DS wasn't expecting it and didn't like it :D) but once he knew what was going to happen things settled down a lot. We still clash - usually it's when I've dropped the ball and not followed through on consequences. Then when I get back on track he tries to get his own way. I've learned to dig my own heels in.

[Colleen in NS]

Oh, what a wonderful thread this is for me right about now. Desperately :bigear: with Lynn......no need to give details - I've come to the conclusion that if you are a parent of a strong-willed child, you will just know what to say to the desperate others of us because you get what we are going through.

[melissel]

The strong -willed child will keep you from saying things like, "My child would *never* do that."

 

This will come in handy. :)

 

My word, how true. If this child is not your first child, she will also keep you eating crow for all the times you said or thought, "What kind of parents let their child xyz?!" or "What kind of household produces a child that abc?!" or "Can you believe there are kids out there that blah blah blah?!" :blushing:

 

Anyway, the best book I ever read on the subject was this one:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1289882942&sr=8-1

 

It seems so incredibly simple, but after life with my easygoing, always rational, happy-to-comply first child, I really needed a primer!

 

I agree about letting go of saying no and offering choices as much as possible, but I'll also add that with some kids, even providing choices isn't enough. My own strong-willed kid won't be confined to two choices anymore than she'll be confined my making the choice for her. Sometimes it's best to know when and how to give the final answer, then buckle down and hold on as the scenario plays out. The author of that book I linked calls these kinds of kids "aggressive researchers," in that they will always test and search for the true bottom line. If you let them slip over a boundary even once--even just to put a tiny little toe over the line--they will feel the freedom or even the need to then push every single boundary you set for them. It's so exhausting, but you can't let your guard down, or life goes crazy. I've found that to be so true for my DD5.

 

We had a couple of great threads about this not long ago. One of them was my own. If I can find them, I'll link them for you. I'm not sure exactly what your issues are right now, but hopefully they'll be helpful. I think it really comes down to this: "Say what you mean, mean what you say, follow through, and above all, STAY CALM AND DON'T ENGAGE!"

 

ETA: Darn it, I can't find the one thread I'm really looking for, but there are some great posts in this thread:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=213497

 

If I can find the other, I'll link it. (Now it's going to drive me nuts all night!)

Edited November 16, 2010 by melissel

[Kates]

I've found that a Love & Logic type of approach works the best with mine.

 

For example: He saved up for months and bought his Wii, his controllers, his nunchuks, and his little stabilizer thingies that go on the controllers. He buys his own games and and decides when he's done with them. It's his. He knows that he's allowed to do this, to have these things, because he's responsible enough to handle it.

 

When his attitude tanks, he decides to test me beyond the first warning, or decides to outright disobey, I don't get in a fight with him. I simply walk over without emotion, take his controllers, and hide them. For a week. A week of perfect, angelic, responsible behavior. If he decides to slip during that week...huh. Sucks to be him. The week starts over.

 

This works because it's a) his choice to push and b) a consequence that he clearly earned. He gets the right to have a Wii that's his because of his level of responsibility - if he chooses to be irresponsible, he's lost that right. (I don't pull this for every little thing...it's for the willful disobedience.)

 

When he doesn't choose to get his homework done during the week he earns Saturday school...and he pays me for instruction time. My time is free during the week (and on weekends when our schedule prevented him from getting his work done). When it goes into what should be family time simply because he chose not to do it when he should have, that comes with a price. He knows that up front, and now if he chooses not to be diligent, he also chooses the consequence.

 

Please note that if something beyond his control forces a situation that he'd normally get consequences for, I give grace. If we have an especially crazy week and he's honestly not home enough to get his assigned work done, I don't charge him for weekend instruction. If he's feeling like crud because he's sick, I don't take his Wii controllers for snapping. (Heck, I snap when I'm sick. I'll tell him it's not appropriate and leave it at that, but I'm not going to punish him for it.) Consequences like that are for when he has the ability to control his actions and willfully chooses not to.

 

With strong willed kids, you can't control them by force. That one will end in fireworks and tantrums every time. It will also drive them further away from you. Rather, give them two choices - along with clear consequences that are their choice to earn, or not - and let them make the choice. If they choose to lose their spending money, or access to a game, or the privilege of attending a sleepover...well, that's their choice. Once they figure out that obedience = blessing and disobedience = consequence, you'll very likely find that they choose obedience and respect much more frequently. :D

[LittleIzumi]

:lurk5: Giving two choices, if she doesn't like either of them, usually leads to her screaming at the top of lungs in her room until she calms down. But at least spirited kids put just as much energy into being cute/charming when they want to :lol: