Teen issue: when the age gap that didn't matter, suddenly matters

[Kathie in VA]

One thing I noticed about homeschoolers is that they tend not to gather based on age or grade like public or private school kids. I had thought that this was a good thing. Now I'm not so sure. My oldest just turned 16, some of her friends are older. She always tended to hang with older kids, both gals and guys. However now the older guys are 18, 19, 21 and it's frowned upon. She doesn't get it. We had a few discussions with her, and my husband and others are talking to the older boys. In all this I realized that the age gaps never mattered before to these kids; but we were all raised in public school. My husband and the other dads in our church tend to think it very strange that an 18+year old would even want to be seen with a 15/16 year old. That's when I realized that the mind set it different with our homeschool kids. Now to figure out how to deal with it and if there is anything we can do with the younger kids to prep for this in their future.

 

Has anyone else run into this?

 

--Kathie in VA

Edited November 15, 2010 by Kathie in VA

[Denisemomof4]

Are you saying that she's always been friends with these kids but now you're uncomfortable with them hanging out because of the age difference? I don't think it would be right to cut off a relationship that has a great history, but I do see your concern.

 

My kids have always made close friends with kids their age or within a year or two. We wouldn't cut off a friendship, or discourage one, because of a two year age difference. But I would NOT encourage my 16 yo dd to befriend a 21 year old boy. I don't think it's wise.

 

Although my kids close friends are similar in age, they've always gotten along with kids older and younger with them. They are around kids of all ages regularly, but their close relationships have been with kids of like age.

[Murphy101]

This is when a serious talk about the purpose and hazards of dating needs ti happen.

 

We would agree with your dh.

 

There is no healthy purpose in an adult cultivating an adult relationship with someone who cannot fully reciprocate bc they are a minor.

 

If the purpose of dating is to find a lasting, loving maritable relationship, then an adult has no business dating a minor.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, Guys to girls... I can see that as a parent I would dissuade my son from hanging with younger girls. IF there is EVEN A thought that there's been s*xual rel*tions.... the guy is in possible life changing problems with the law. (Depending on what state you're in)

SO... as the guys move on in age... better to stick with just knowing girls their age... or in just large groups at least..

That's my first thought...at least...

[Laurie4b]

I can totally see why guys that age do not want to hang out with a 16 year old girl--if they develop romantic feelings for her and they act on those... they could be looking at jail depending on what state you live in.

 

I think I would encourage your dd to give it a couple years and the friendships can probably re-connect.

[Annie G]

I would be offended if my teen was suddenly shunned by her friends just because she was younger...so I understand your dd's frustration with the new set of rules. ( This is assuming she's had these friends for some time.)

 

However, she does have to deal with the fact that many of her friends are older and can do things she cannot...like go to an R rated movie. It probably wasn't an issue a few years ago but now it is. Maybe they can venture out farther than she can. When my dd was 16, I didn't want her getting into a car with a group of friends and driving the 2 hours to downtown Chicago for a night concert. Now she's 18 and it's fine for her to do that.

 

Now, hanging out with her older friends is bound to lead to them introducing her to their other older friends...so she's going to meet new older people. That's opening up a whole new can of worms because you don't know those people and they're probably not going to be hanging around your house.

 

I know exactly what you're going through- our 18 year old has a friend who's nearly 20 and last summer when dd was 17, he invited her to his apartment for a night of video game fun. Lots of friends, pizza, video games...

It was scary for us to let go, but she met this boy at church 5 years ago and he's always been a lovely young man. But suddenly all we saw was that he's an adult, (as are his friends) and he was living on his own. He didn't change, but we sure changed how we 'saw' him!

[Joker]

I went to ps and had boy and girl friends who were 3 & 4 years older. I had an older brother and sister and grew up with those people. It never seemed like a big deal and my parents didn't turn it into one. I guess I could see intervening if there were romantic feelings involved but I wouldn't do anything otherwise. My older dd doesn't really get along with anyone her age - all her friends are older. I don't think when they hit 18 -20 I'm suddenly going to say she can't hang out with them.

[Garga]

This sort of reminds me of Fiddler on the Roof. The oldest daughter and the tailor have been friends since childhood. They've fallen in love, though the parents aren't aware of it yet.

 

When the matchmaker is talking with the mother, the mother says (about her daughter and the tailor), "They're just children." And the matchmaker says, "From such children come other children." It's like this issue has sort of snuck up on you. (Like it did with the mother in Fiddler on the Roof.)

 

 

Her older friends are adults now, while she is still a child (legally and all.) So, she might feel left out if they go out late at night (for example), while she's expected to be at home.

 

I think the friendships could continue. There's just a few years until she's an adult as well and the friendship can continue on a different level. As long as everyone gets through these years with grace. I guess it depends on how the older friends act--as long as they remember that she is younger and to be "protected" almost, compared to the freedoms they may have. It depends on what the older kids are like, and if they'll treat her like an equal (and unwittingly make her feel pressured to want to do things beyond her years) or if they'll recognize that she's a few years behind them.

Edited November 15, 2010 by Garga

[Mejane]

We must have an unusual homeschool group. Dances and parties are attended by 13-18 yos. Of course, the olders tend to hang out with the olders and the youngers with the youngers, but they all associate and get along. We've never had a problem with the mixing of such a wide range of ages. The kids have known each other for years, and they just consider everyone to be their friends.

 

I think there's a natural attrition when the olders start becoming more independent and driving, etc. This issue has never had to be "formally" addressed in our group either by parents or the group leader.

[Tammyla]

My dear friend has the same problem with her dd/16 in public school. She has just always enjoyed older friends. This is a problem for many families.

[Hannah C.]

I read your post as saying that she and her friends want to keep hanging out, but adults are frowning upon it because of her age and the age of her (male) friends. Is this correct?

 

I'm currently 21, and my husband is 20. My husband has guy friends who range in age from 20-22. (There are about 5 of them in the group.) I have sisters who are 19 and 17. Said guy friends have one or two girl friends (not romantic) who are about my sisters' ages. One guy friend also has a younger brother who is 17. Almost all of the people involved were missionary kids and/or kids who had been homeschooled at some point. At various times, all of these people have hung out in various combinations. None of us, and as far as I know no one's parents, ever had a problem with the age thing.

 

The key was, these were truly *group* activities. Usually, what would happen is it would begin with my now husband and his guy friends hanging out, I would come along, another girl might come with them, dh and I would invite my sisters, and we'd all hang out together. At times, dh's guy friends would hang out with my sisters without dh and me present -- but they met and began hanging out through us. And again, these were group activities.

 

My 17 year old sister ran into problems at 16 when she wanted to see a movie with the others, but the movie theater wouldn't let her because of curfew laws. In those cases, the whole group went and did something else.

 

Again, these were group activities, not things where anyone was pairing off! People within the group have occasionally dated, but it was *never* the kind of thing where "everyone knows they're only here to see each other."

 

I can understand parents looking askance at such friendships if they are more one-on-one things. But in my experience, a group of [homeschooled/MK] guys hanging out with one, two, or more girls is natural. Especially if the friendship had existed for many years, I wouldn't be weirded out by it at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I read your post as saying that she and her friends want to keep hanging out, but adults are frowning upon it because of her age and the age of her (male) friends. Is this correct?

 

I'm currently 21, and my husband is 20. My husband has guy friends who range in age from 20-22. (There are about 5 of them in the group.) I have sisters who are 19 and 17. Said guy friends have one or two girl friends (not romantic) who are about my sisters' ages. One guy friend also has a younger brother who is 17. Almost all of the people involved were missionary kids and/or kids who had been homeschooled at some point. At various times, all of these people have hung out in various combinations. None of us, and as far as I know no one's parents, ever had a problem with the age thing.

 

The key was, these were truly *group* activities. Usually, what would happen is it would begin with my now husband and his guy friends hanging out, I would come along, another girl might come with them, dh and I would invite my sisters, and we'd all hang out together. At times, dh's guy friends would hang out with my sisters without dh and me present -- but they met and began hanging out through us. And again, these were group activities.

 

My 17 year old sister ran into problems at 16 when she wanted to see a movie with the others, but the movie theater wouldn't let her because of curfew laws. In those cases, the whole group went and did something else.

 

Again, these were group activities, not things where anyone was pairing off! People within the group have occasionally dated, but it was *never* the kind of thing where "everyone knows they're only here to see each other."

 

I can understand parents looking askance at such friendships if they are more one-on-one things. But in my experience, a group of [homeschooled/MK] guys hanging out with one, two, or more girls is natural. Especially if the friendship had existed for many years, I wouldn't be weirded out by it at all.

 

Good post, Hannah.

[tex-mex]

I read your post as saying that she and her friends want to keep hanging out, but adults are frowning upon it because of her age and the age of her (male) friends. Is this correct?

 

I'm currently 21, and my husband is 20. My husband has guy friends who range in age from 20-22. (There are about 5 of them in the group.) I have sisters who are 19 and 17. Said guy friends have one or two girl friends (not romantic) who are about my sisters' ages. One guy friend also has a younger brother who is 17. Almost all of the people involved were missionary kids and/or kids who had been homeschooled at some point. At various times, all of these people have hung out in various combinations. None of us, and as far as I know no one's parents, ever had a problem with the age thing.

 

The key was, these were truly *group* activities. Usually, what would happen is it would begin with my now husband and his guy friends hanging out, I would come along, another girl might come with them, dh and I would invite my sisters, and we'd all hang out together. At times, dh's guy friends would hang out with my sisters without dh and me present -- but they met and began hanging out through us. And again, these were group activities.

 

My 17 year old sister ran into problems at 16 when she wanted to see a movie with the others, but the movie theater wouldn't let her because of curfew laws. In those cases, the whole group went and did something else.

 

Again, these were group activities, not things where anyone was pairing off! People within the group have occasionally dated, but it was *never* the kind of thing where "everyone knows they're only here to see each other."

 

I can understand parents looking askance at such friendships if they are more one-on-one things. But in my experience, a group of [homeschooled/MK] guys hanging out with one, two, or more girls is natural. Especially if the friendship had existed for many years, I wouldn't be weirded out by it at all.

Nicely said. I agree.

 

Our homechurch has a lot of teens and young adults in the mix. Us old fogeys host it and offer food w/fellowship. Many of the older teens and college aged kids are friends and do stuff in hanging out like movie nights, going out to eat, Pride & Prejudice Tea Time, sport events, bday parties, BBQs, swimming, etc. We just hang out. I don't see it as weird. I don't see any one-on-one things -- but a group of (like minded) really neat young people who enjoy each other's company. I wish I had something like that when I was their age.