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Here I come again, needing your prayers and love


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Two months ago, my paternal grandfather, who I had not seen in 17 years asked to see me. He was dying. I went, and I took my girls. We talked and there has been a lot of reconciliation and forgiveness with that side of my family over the last two months. He died this past Wednesday with me right by his side. Even worse, two weeks ago, his daughter, my aunt, died unexpectedly. She was only 55. It has truly been a tragic two weeks.

 

And now I have these huge part of my family that I haven't had in years, which as I'm sure some of you will understand, is wonderful and terrifying. My cousin, who was my best friend growing up, is back in my life, and that is wonderful. I also have my little mamaw who has lost her only daughter and her husband of 58 years in the span of two weeks. She needs almost constant help. And that is on the shoulders of me and my cousin, her two granddaughters. My biological father bailed on me and my brother when I was 6. Of course, I am having to deal with him as well, but he has been very very good to me and my girls, so I'm okay with how that is going. Of course, my mother is flipping because she is so jealous that my bio father is getting to spend time with my girls. I am tired of having to explain to her that he IS my father, and I will give him respect and honor as long as he gives us the same. I'm done talking to her about it. It's none of her business. Good grief, my dad just lost his sister and his father. He is hurting, and if my girls can bring him joy, I want them to. We just have to be careful because he is a pretty heavy drinker, and he isn't the most reliable person.

 

I am feeling so much guilt for all the time I lost with my grandparents, all because of my father's actions and irresponsibility when I was a child, and then me being a stubborn *ss as an adult. There are pictures of my grandfather with all of the great-grandchildren, except my daughters. They all remember Papaw before he got sick, except my daughters. They all have Papaw stories to tell, except my girls. I am beating myself up for robbing him and them of that.

 

Anyway, it's all just... A LOT!!! As you all know, I am going through a lot of medical/psychological problems myself, and I don't know how much more I can handle. I am about to admit something totally embarrassing, but I have drunk way too much alcohol for the last three nights. I have always been the type of person who drinks socially, maybe twice a year, but I bought a bottle of rum the other day, and I like the way too much of it makes me feel. My husband called me out tonight. He HATES alcohol, and he poured the rest of the rum down the sink. I cried and cried because I crossed a huge line today, and that was drinking too much in front of my kids. There will be no more alcohol in my house or my presence. It's too dangerous. I am so thankful for a husband who loves me enough to save me from myself.

 

Ladies, I am so disgusted with myself and just sad. Some of you may never want to "talk" to me here again. But I just had to be real and ask for your prayers. I am a mess. God help me. I wonder how much more I will have to handle. I am very weak and weary right now. I am being a horrible wife and mother. I am sick of me. :(

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Oh Honey, no! I only "know" you online, but you could never do something that would make me not want you to be my online fellow Hiver! :001_smile:

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

The fact that you still have a tender conscience and know you crossed a line (and even have a line) is enough to tell me you only acted out of human frailty and hurt. It's ok, it really is. :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in a yucky place.

 

I wish I knew you in real life, Nakia. I'd love to be your friend, because you are dear to me online, and if you are dear to me this way, how much more you would be in person.

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Sweetie, You have SO much going on right now........the last thing you need to add to the mix is alcohol.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Please don't be heaping any guilt on yourself about time not spent with loved ones -- it is what it is and it cannot be changed. Instead, make the most of the opportunity you have right now to be with loved ones, and do not beat yourself up. Times like this are so emotional anyway, cut yourself some slack, stay away from anything alcoholic (not a good idea to be drinking with any meds you may be taking), and move forward. What's done is done - and you are one of my favorite people here........I cannot imagine not talking to you again.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Sit down, put your feet up, breathe in and out slowly and just pray: 'Lord have mercy.' Think only about the right here and right now -- the present moment. And, in the present moment, you are loved, and a wonderful wife and mom and daughter, and you are hurting, but you will not be left alone or left to hurt. Let us all here pray for you, and let the Lord minister to you. Be kind to yourself.:grouphug:

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Oh Honey, no! I only "know" you online, but you could never do something that would make me not want you to be my online fellow Hiver! :001_smile:

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

The fact that you still have a tender conscience and know you crossed a line (and even have a line) is enough to tell me you only acted out of human frailty and hurt. It's ok, it really is. :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in a yucky place.

 

I wish I knew you in real life, Nakia. I'd love to be your friend, because you are dear to me online, and if you are dear to me this way, how much more you would be in person.

 

Nakia, I couldn't agree more. We all trip. It's okay. :grouphug:

 

Tuck in tonight and be warm. Try to pull yourself together and see a new light in the morning.

 

:grouphug:

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Nakia,

I'm so proud of you! Your attitude about alcohol is of utmost importance. You realized. You are GLAD your husband poured the stuff down the sink. You understand that you can no longer have any of it. Do you know how awesome that is? You took a step towards something horrible, something that would have been a bondage to you and a nightmare to your family. But.. you saw the horror of it and turned away from it completely! I think you are awesome. Sorry that you have so very much to deal with, but you will be able to deal with it with a clear head and a supportive husband. Way to go! :grouphug:

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There, but for the grace of God, go I. Cry out to Jesus. Do it till you find HIm in your pain, in your sadness. And keep clinging to Him. All else will fail you, but the loving kindness of our Great God is sure and constant. Rest in Him, trust in HIm, pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. All will be well as you trust in HIm.:grouphug:

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I will pray that the guilt stuff will heal quickly. and praying in general, especially to find a good counselor to help in real life.

 

agreeing that your dh was kind to pour out the alcohol during this time of grieving and especially with new medications you are taking. don't mix those -- you are too valuable to lose.

 

peaceful sleep to you. I know I had odd feelings at grandfather's funeral seeing pictures of grandkids except mine -- just because we lived far away. So I had to stop looking at the pictures they had. I wasn't going through any of what you have gone through, but somehow not seeing me or my dh or my kids in the pics was hard to process at times.

 

-crystal

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There, but for the grace of God, go I. Cry out to Jesus. Do it till you find HIm in your pain, in your sadness. And keep clinging to Him. All else will fail you, but the loving kindness of our Great God is sure and constant. Rest in Him, trust in HIm, pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. All will be well as you trust in HIm.:grouphug:

:iagree:This! This! This! Life is so very, very hard. Please do not beat yourself up, dear one. We all fail, we all disappoint ourselves and do things we seriously regret. All you can do now is pick yourself up and brush yourself off and keep going. But remember to lean on Jesus - don't try to do it without Him.

 

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: casting all your care on Him; for He careth for you." I Peter 5:6-7

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Oh Nakia! I'm SO SORRY you're going through so much! Can I say that what I love most about you BESIDES your tender heart and conscience is how honest you are? I wish we lived close by, I think we could be GREAT friends! Open, honest people are rare, sweetie! Thank you for being so transparent. I *ADORE* you!!! I could never think less of you for making mistakes. Heck, if everyone knew about all MY mistakes, I think you all would have me banned!!!

 

Please don't focus on guilt. Guilt is a false feeling. I can understand staying away because your father abandoned you at age 6. You did this for a reason, and you did what you felt was right. We all can only do our best. Let this guilt go and move forward. There's nothing you can do about the past. Enjoy your family as much and as long as you can. Don't let your mother get to you. I'm sure she is hurt and jealous, but really, she should be happy for you. EVERY child deserves to have two parents.

 

My father had asked me a few times to reconcile with my sister. I couldn't do it. I could NOT give up living a peaceful life for him. Ity was the ONE thing I just couldn't do for him. When my dad died, my sister and I *did* reconcile. I did feel guilt, wishing he could see us together. Fortunately I couldn't focus on this too much as I was too busy caring for my mother to really focus on it. But you know what? My sister hasn't talked to me since February. It was short lived anyway. THANK GOD I never reconciled, only to have this happen again..... while he was alive. It may not have worked out that way for you, but then again, it may not have been good. You'll never know, please let it go.

 

When I had my horrible mess of a life, dealing with MIL and both my parents, all three almost dying within 3 months, on top of my RAD dd, I, too, drank more than I should have. And sometimes I wondered if I was becoming dependent on the alcohol. I wasn't getting drunk, but I was having a couple glasses of wine/drink at night to calm my nerves. But when the stress stopped, I didn't want to drink as much. I'm not saying this for any other reason than to publicly say that I did this, too. You're not alone. You're brave to admit it, and you're lucky to have a husband who cares enough to step in and do what he did. I think it's especially important with all the medication you're on and how you're trying to stabilize. It's really not going to help you, sweetie.

 

I wish we could all be there for you right now. I know life is so difficult. You will come out the other side a stronger person because of all of this. You will. It's so very difficult right now, but you're going to be ok. Just focus on RIGHT NOW and get through RIGHT NOW. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

 

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for all that you're going through.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited by Denisemomof4
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There, but for the grace of God, go I. Cry out to Jesus. Do it till you find HIm in your pain, in your sadness. And keep clinging to Him. All else will fail you, but the loving kindness of our Great God is sure and constant. Rest in Him, trust in HIm, pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. All will be well as you trust in HIm.:grouphug:

 

:iagree:This! This! This! Life is so very, very hard. Please do not beat yourself up, dear one. We all fail, we all disappoint ourselves and do things we seriously regret. All you can do now is pick yourself up and brush yourself off and keep going. But remember to lean on Jesus - don't try to do it without Him.

 

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: casting all your care on Him; for He careth for you." I Peter 5:6-7

 

:iagree:

Grief is so difficult to navigate, Nakia. Please don't be hard on yourself for not doing it in the way you previously imagined it should be done.

Remember that He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 

:grouphug:

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Life is so very, very hard. Please do not beat yourself up, dear one. We all fail, we all disappoint ourselves and do things we seriously regret. All you can do now is pick yourself up and brush yourself off and keep going. But remember to lean on Jesus - don't try to do it without Him.

 

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time: casting all your care on Him; for He careth for you." I Peter 5:6-7

 

Grief is so difficult to navigate, Nakia. Please don't be hard on yourself for not doing it in the way you previously imagined it should be done. Remember that He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

:grouphug: and prayers.

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:grouphug:

 

As the daughter of a long time alcoholic, drinking for a few nights isn't the end of the world. I'm SO glad that you recognize that it's a potential problem that needs to be avoided. Don't beat yourself up about it, ok? I'm sorry for all the stress you're having in your life. :(

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There, but for the grace of God, go I. Cry out to Jesus. Do it till you find HIm in your pain, in your sadness. And keep clinging to Him. All else will fail you, but the loving kindness of our Great God is sure and constant. Rest in Him, trust in HIm, pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. All will be well as you trust in HIm.:grouphug:

:iagree::iagree:I know I don't know you, not even on here:001_smile: but I often read your posts and feel your loveliness and authenticity. I have been praying for and will continue. Please, just take one hour at a time, repent if needed, accept grace and go into the next hour knowing that He is with you and will get you through that next hour.

 

And as someone else has suggested please seek a qualified counselor.

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And old friend who has the same mood disorder as you told me about a trick she has: she has a small chest that she puts mementos of her "good moments": a lock of a baby's hair, her swim ribbon, a rock she got on top of a mountain she climbed, her girlhood charm bracelet with the charms her mother gave her over the years, etc.

 

Whenever she is filled with "what ifs" and "if only I hads" and "no one could ever love mes", she gets out that chest and remembers all the times she has felt this way, but then gone on to other moments that added to her collection. I am betting you have MANY things that could go in such a box.

 

:grouphug:

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Oh Honey, no! I only "know" you online, but you could never do something that would make me not want you to be my online fellow Hiver! :001_smile:

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

The fact that you still have a tender conscience and know you crossed a line (and even have a line) is enough to tell me you only acted out of human frailty and hurt. It's ok, it really is. :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in a yucky place.

 

I wish I knew you in real life, Nakia. I'd love to be your friend, because you are dear to me online, and if you are dear to me this way, how much more you would be in person.

 

:iagree: Well said Chris. Nakia, you are one of the sweetest people I "know". You have been through a lot, and had so many stresses this year. Please forgive yourself this minor indiscretion. Give yourself time to grieve, and spend a few days relaxing, and loving your family. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Oh, Nakia, darling! There are times when the little hug icon is just not enough! I really, really want you to know I care and will be praying for you.

 

Please take moments to pause and care for yourself. Wash your face and follow with moisturizer. Take a very quick, brisk walk. When you have time, take a bath.

 

Sweetie, we only have today and the moments RIGHT NOW. Love yourself and those in your lives.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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:grouphug: Nakia! You've been through so much lately! It is understandable that you were self-medicating and WONDERFUL that you have the kind of husband who will call you out on it and do for you what you cannot do for yourself at the moment.

 

I still want to be friends with you! I can't see anything that would make me change my mind! :001_smile:

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Oh Honey, no! I only "know" you online, but you could never do something that would make me not want you to be my online fellow Hiver! :001_smile:

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

The fact that you still have a tender conscience and know you crossed a line (and even have a line) is enough to tell me you only acted out of human frailty and hurt. It's ok, it really is. :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in a yucky place.

 

I wish I knew you in real life, Nakia. I'd love to be your friend, because you are dear to me online, and if you are dear to me this way, how much more you would be in person.

 

:iagree: :grouphug:

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Thank you for all your kind words and the prayers. I didn't sleep well at all because my mind is so full of fear and guilt. I am going to do some school with the girls and then pile up with them on the couch and watch a movie and drink hot chocolate.

 

Bless you all. :grouphug: You all have been more kind to me than so many of my friends IRL. I thank God everyday for this forum.

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:grouphug: Nakia! You've been through so much lately! It is understandable that you were self-medicating and WONDERFUL that you have the kind of husband who will call you out on it and do for you what you cannot do for yourself at the moment.

 

 

Sometimes you just want to make the world go away. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, so don't you dare beat yourself up. :grouphug:

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Nakia,

You are such a kind, sensitive soul. Life has thrown you too much to bear on your own. :grouphug: Over the past several months, I have prayed for you, for peace despite your circumstances. You should not beat yourself up for the past. You made the best possible choices given the circumstances. Please don't tell yourself you are a bad wife or mom. You are a blessing to those around you. Like all of us here, you are human. Unlike most people I know, you are honest about your humanity. You may have faltered (as we ALL have), but you have not failed anyone!

 

Take care of yourself right now as much as possible. You are always so busy caring for others that (maybe?) you forget to take care of yourself.

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Oh Honey, no! I only "know" you online, but you could never do something that would make me not want you to be my online fellow Hiver! :001_smile:

WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

The fact that you still have a tender conscience and know you crossed a line (and even have a line) is enough to tell me you only acted out of human frailty and hurt. It's ok, it really is. :grouphug: I'm so sorry you are in a yucky place.

 

I wish I knew you in real life, Nakia. I'd love to be your friend, because you are dear to me online, and if you are dear to me this way, how much more you would be in person.

:iagree:Chris always says it so well!

Hugs to you my sweet friend. We all make mistakes. I am no stranger myself to the drinking too much and husband who hates it and poured it out. Then I went on to hiding and sneaking. Bad spiral downward. But I got out of that spiral. Be ever so grateful it was caught and corrected early. You will feel those desires to make it all go away through drinking again and I urge you to do everything possible to resist and find something else. Have none of it in your house. Find something to replace it. Personally I would rather eat fudge to self medicate than drink. And I do eat the fudge.

 

:grouphug: for the family situation you are in. You can't keep focusing on the past and the regrets. Pray and pray and pray some more. Ask Him to reveal to you what His plan is in all of this. Ask for his grace and mercy to be showered on you in abundance during this time. And I will do the same for you.:grouphug:

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Once when I was going through a pretty tough depression and drinking heavily and beating myself up for wasted years, lost chances, etc., I came across this verse and it was as if God were speaking directly to me:

 

Joel 2:25 ""I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm--my great army that I sent among you."

 

Grieve now, this life is toil, right? But focus on the beautiful things; good things - future things we will affect, not the past we cannot change.

 

Prayers for a peace that passes understanding, Nakia.

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Two months ago, my paternal grandfather, who I had not seen in 17 years asked to see me. He was dying. I went, and I took my girls. We talked and there has been a lot of reconciliation and forgiveness with that side of my family over the last two months. He died this past Wednesday with me right by his side. Even worse, two weeks ago, his daughter, my aunt, died unexpectedly. She was only 55. It has truly been a tragic two weeks.

 

And now I have these huge part of my family that I haven't had in years, which as I'm sure some of you will understand, is wonderful and terrifying. My cousin, who was my best friend growing up, is back in my life, and that is wonderful. I also have my little mamaw who has lost her only daughter and her husband of 58 years in the span of two weeks. She needs almost constant help. And that is on the shoulders of me and my cousin, her two granddaughters. My biological father bailed on me and my brother when I was 6. Of course, I am having to deal with him as well, but he has been very very good to me and my girls, so I'm okay with how that is going. Of course, my mother is flipping because she is so jealous that my bio father is getting to spend time with my girls. I am tired of having to explain to her that he IS my father, and I will give him respect and honor as long as he gives us the same. I'm done talking to her about it. It's none of her business. Good grief, my dad just lost his sister and his father. He is hurting, and if my girls can bring him joy, I want them to. We just have to be careful because he is a pretty heavy drinker, and he isn't the most reliable person.

 

I am feeling so much guilt for all the time I lost with my grandparents, all because of my father's actions and irresponsibility when I was a child, and then me being a stubborn *ss as an adult. There are pictures of my grandfather with all of the great-grandchildren, except my daughters. They all remember Papaw before he got sick, except my daughters. They all have Papaw stories to tell, except my girls. I am beating myself up for robbing him and them of that.

 

Anyway, it's all just... A LOT!!! As you all know, I am going through a lot of medical/psychological problems myself, and I don't know how much more I can handle. I am about to admit something totally embarrassing, but I have drunk way too much alcohol for the last three nights. I have always been the type of person who drinks socially, maybe twice a year, but I bought a bottle of rum the other day, and I like the way too much of it makes me feel. My husband called me out tonight. He HATES alcohol, and he poured the rest of the rum down the sink. I cried and cried because I crossed a huge line today, and that was drinking too much in front of my kids. There will be no more alcohol in my house or my presence. It's too dangerous. I am so thankful for a husband who loves me enough to save me from myself.

 

Ladies, I am so disgusted with myself and just sad. Some of you may never want to "talk" to me here again. But I just had to be real and ask for your prayers. I am a mess. God help me. I wonder how much more I will have to handle. I am very weak and weary right now. I am being a horrible wife and mother. I am sick of me. :(

:grouphug: You made a decision in the past based on the information you had at the time, not because you were stubborn but probably because you didn't trust that those people wouldn't hurt you. You are NOT to blame for that. Don't look at any of those photos, and don't dwell on them. Regret is a horrible waste of the time you have now- and there's nothing to blame yourself for, really. Know one can know everything, and we all do the best we can at the time. Sometimes our 'best' improves, and sometimes it declines but that is life.

 

Drinking some rum does not make you a horrible person, wife or mother. You realize now that you have a problem with it, so you aren't going to drink it any more- that's something to celebrate (staying away from it) and you shouldn't beat yourself up for having drank it in the first place. You are in pain, and you are very needy right now- there is no shame in needing comfort. I'm sure lots of IRL people are stressed out too right now, so maybe you aren't getting everything you need from them. It's okay to find a healthy way to get your needs met. :grouphug::grouphug: Don't feel guilty for 'slacking' or for working 'too hard' right now, either way can help ease your stress and give your body time to decompress.

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:grouphug: Cut yourself some slack. A three evening bender does not an alcoholic make. Honestly I'd view it more as an indiscretion than a mistake.

 

Look into seeing a grief counselor. You are grieving many losses - your gandfather, you aunt and the relationship you didn't have with either of them. Do you have unresolved grief about your father? Probably.

 

:grouphug: and prayers for peace.

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Nakia, I don't have time to write more right now, but I wanted to tell you I understand. I, too, LOVE your honesty, and I'm so grateful for your wisdom on this board. I will be praying for you. Be good to yourself and seek God right now... He is there, ready to carry you through this. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I'm glad that you'll be seeing someone.

 

I completely understand what its like to be beating yourself up about the wife and mother you should be, and feel like you're failing. Totally get that.

 

I'm also so glad your dh was there to see the signs of alcohol issues and to help you.

 

I pray that you'll find the strength you need to get through these times. :grouphug::grouphug:

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There, but for the grace of God, go I. Cry out to Jesus. Do it till you find HIm in your pain, in your sadness. And keep clinging to Him. All else will fail you, but the loving kindness of our Great God is sure and constant. Rest in Him, trust in HIm, pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. All will be well as you trust in HIm.:grouphug:

 

Well said!

 

Jesus forgives! Don't let the guilt ruin one more second of your day. He will help you start fresh.

 

I'm glad you will be able to see a counselor. You are going through a lot this fall.

 

I am praying for you, Nakia!

 

Hugs!

Edited by mom2abcd
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:grouphug: Just sending love! I just came through the hardest two years of my life and didn't cope well so many times! Bless you! Be good to yourself and let yourself grieve. Let yourself be human without beating up on yourself. We all have low times, times we aren't proud of. God bless you in this difficult journey!

 

Shalynn

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:grouphug: Cut yourself some slack. A three evening bender does not an alcoholic make. Honestly I'd view it more as an indiscretion than a mistake.

 

Look into seeing a grief counselor. You are grieving many losses - your gandfather, you aunt and the relationship you didn't have with either of them. Do you have unresolved grief about your father? Probably.

 

:grouphug: and prayers for peace.

 

What Parrothead said.

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: You're going through a really rough patch. Give yourself some grace and the time to process.

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I have got so much from so many of your posts-I admire your honesty and authenticity. There is grace for you beyond what you can imagine-just know that the Grace that surpasses all understanding is there for you. And to your IRL friends---they need to walk miles in your shoes before giving you (or anyone) a sideways glance on any stumbles! Hope the movie and hot chocolate is wonderful and give yourself a few day break. Death is a tough thing to work through in the best of circumstances.....you have more than your share to deal with :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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I just wanted to tell you all, again, thank you so much. I wanted so bad to drink something last night, but of course, there was nothing to drink other than diet pepsi. :lol: So I drank that.

 

The pm's have been wonderful as well. I'm trying to respond to each one. Please please keep the prayers coming.

 

Thank you all.

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