ex-pat children (TCK & others)...

[Deb in NZ]

the huge thread started by Heather go me thinking about what being "an American" means & what shared experiences ex-pat children should have to more easily fit into American society if / when they need to return to the States.

 

Background: My 3dc are dual citizens (NZ / US). One on born in the States. The eldest 2 were TCKs until school-age, when we moved to DH's home town. DH's gave up a lifestyle he'd led for over 26yrs. because we felt it best for our dc to feel they belonged in at least one of their "home" countries. We've sacrificed to make trips every 5 years to see my family in the States, giving our dc experiences in my home culture & allowing them to "own" that culture as theirs as well. We planned these trips carefully to each take in a different season.

 

Please add to the list below of any experinces that you feel is important in our shared American culture. These are things that help to make ex-pat children feel they "belong" & help to understand why & how things work in our society. Never having experiences these things work to make one feel the "outsider." (I grew up in New England, so some of your choices may be different from mine)

 

---watching fireworks on the 4th of July

---raking up leaves into a big pile & jumping in it

---Trick-or-Treating at Halloween

---making a Jack-o-Lantern

---sharing Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family (a huge turkey, all the fixings, & lots of pies for dessert)

---Christmas carols door-to-door

---seeing the beautiful Christmas lights on the houses

---Watching the ball fall on New Year's Eve in Time Square (on TV)

---exchanging valentines

---coloring Easter Eggs

---Easter Egg hunts

---baseball

---making s'mores over an open fire

---Scouts

---Memorial Day / Vetern Day parades

---saying the Pledge of Aliegence

---running through a sprinkler on a hot summer day

---seeing a raccoon, squirrel, skunk, chipmunk, etc.

---making a snowman or a snowfort

---having a snowball fight

---sledding down a a big hill

 

These are things that IMHO many Americans experience growing up. It wasn't until I brought my dc to visit my family that I realized that they didn't even know what many of these things were. I've since made a point of trying to give them the opportunity to experience these things.

 

Ex-pat children (diplomatic / missionary / other) will never truely feel that America is "home." "Home" is where they lived for most of their life. A visit to Disneyland on a stop-over in the US won't make fitting in years later any easier. Over the years I've seen examples of the difficulties ex-pat children can experience as a result of their parents' choice to live & work overseas. My dc were quite young when we returned to NZ to live. After we had been here a year I was walking home from kindy with ds#1 (4yo at the time). I mentioned in passing that we would be visiting his grandfather in Auckland for Christmas. Ds#1 got very up-set. He said " I don't want to go to Auckland! I want to go to Suva!" Even after living in NZ for a year, Fiji was still home for him. :001_huh: Years later, during a trip to the States, dd (then 13yo) told me " Where ever I am, people say I'm from the other place. I just want to belong." (i.e. she was the NZ kid in the States & the American kid in NZ) We have friends who followed the work around the Pacific. Our friends had made different schooling choices for each dc. The eldest did her highschool years by correspondence. The middle one returned to NZ & lived with family for the last year or 2 of highschool. The youngest one was sent to boarding school in NZ. Their 3dc have all settled in a country different from their passport country. That country wasn't "home" to them.

 

JMHO,

Edited November 13, 2010 by Deb in NZ

[Embassy]

You make some great points. I think the most important factor in being able to live in the US after being away for awhile isn't experiencing many of the same things, but adaptability. Adaptability is often the life of a child who moves often and gets plenty of practice adjusting.

 

My children were all born in the USA. We now live in Canada - children are dual citizens. We will likely live in another country in the next few years. I don't expect they will ever "fit in" with their fellow US citizens. That isn't because of unshared experiences, but broader horizons.

 

I've lived in 3 countries and living outside the US gives you a whole different perspective on life in America. Ex-pat children will see things in a different way, have different values, and may never fit in politically.

 

I moved often as a child, yet still within one country. I don't have a place I call home, but I have no trouble adapting to a new place or a new culture. Assimilation is easy because I've had so much practice.

[Laura Corin]

We are in a similar position: the boys grew up in Asia, have only visited America (husband's home country), and have lived in the UK for the last two years. We moved a lot within Asia; Calvin in particular really yearned to settle down.

 

We have decided that part of giving them a secure place to call home is reducing the trips to their other passport country. When we go on holiday, it's usually within the UK. We go to the US only to see family; these trips are dwindling due to changes in the number and health of US relatives. The boys are seeing themselves more and more as British with an extra passport. That's fine: they are settling in. Calvin says that he might want to spend a Gap Year in the States; in the mean time, their security in this one location and culture is what we are aiming for.

 

Laura

[Dayle in Guatemala]

One thing I do is try to make sure that we incorporate as many of our American traditions as we can while embracing the new traditions. We have had our Guatemalan friends over for s'mores and they love them! Our home is very American--we don't usually speak Spanish in it unless we have guests who are Spanish-speaking.

 

When we decided to move to Guatemala, it was a tough decision. Our dc are very close to their grandparents and extended family. They miss out on that a lot, but, we've been blessed to either visit the US or have visitors every year we've been here (only been back to the US 2 times in 5 years--the other years family visits us).

 

We thought maybe it'd be more, but, after seeing how difficult it is for missionary families who do go back every year and how their kids don't fit anywhere, we decided to put down roots here and make this home for as long as we are here. It's been a good decision.

 

We talk a lot about how blessed we are to have both cultures. We get to kick off the Christmas season with the burning of the devil, Christmas lights in Central Park, the big Christmas parade complete with Santa and his elves on a huge sleigh, eat chocolate tamales, enjoy the fireworks at midnight, and we get to listen to our Christmas music, decorate the way we normally did in the US, make all the treats we are used to, and enjoy all our movies! How cool is that?

 

Anyway, that's what we do.

[Deb in NZ]

Laura,

 

That's exactly why we decided to live in NZ, giving up the ex-pat life that both dh & I enjoyed. We'd seen many of our friends' children yearn for that stability, especially as they neared the teenage years. It was great living as an ex-pat with babies & toddlers, but I'm glad we are "home" for my dc's teen years. My dc are really kiwi-kids, "with an extra passport." They, too, want to do a year in the States. We've told them to aim for that after they have finished their uni / training here in NZ.

[Deb in NZ]

Dayle,

 

We do similar things. We always celebrate Thanksgiving, but instead of family we invite some friends who we are very thankful for them being part of our life that year. Each brings a salad & a dessert, but I make a big (? 6kg) turkey & the traditional fixings. I have noticed that our friends take it as a very special thing to get invited to Thanksgiving dinner. We, also, make Christmas cookies & give a plate to each scout leader, music teacher, etc. We do make dh his fruitcake as well ;) Blending the cultures does make our lives richer.

[mommaduck]

Focusing on the "stability" factor previously mentioned:

 

TCKs are a mixed bag. My stepdad wanted to stay in HIS home state after we came back stateside. So he arranged it. I hated it. Hate that state, could care less if I ever step foot back there again. I don't fit, not in that place, not with those people, not with people that want you to "fit" into their "box", etc. It was supposed to be the "stability" for us kids. Sure, on my brother that was two upon our return, it was. For me, it was pure hell. Ironically, that particular brother and I have both moved to the east coast. As a kid, I'd have rather stayed in the Pacific, even knowing I was "different" than most of my classmates. It's easier to be the outsider when it's obvious you are the outsider than to be the outsider while everyone is expecting you to fit in and can't figure out why you don't. Even after all my years back here, I finally had one pastor nail it down...we're like immigrants in our own land. I know other TCKs that returned stateside about the same time or within a couple of years to the same area as we settled...and it's pretty much the same. Sometimes I wonder if we just got a crappy area.

Edited November 13, 2010 by mommaduck

[Deb in NZ]

mommaduck,

 

I don't think it's the area that you were made to move back to as much as the age you were at the time of that move. Dh & I had decided when we moved to NZ that if we ever were ex-pats again it wouldn't be when our dc were teens. Dh's job would have required us to move every year or so & we felt that was just too unsettling for teens. Teens have enough challenges in their lives as is.

 

JMHO,

[jld]

I don't really try to make an American life for us. I do homeschool with American materials, and some French ones, but we eat Indian food every day and participate in the Indian holiday activities they have here at the complex (we just had Diwali last week). We are kind of different, anyway, anywhere, as Dh is French, I'm American, and we're vegetarian, and into simple living.

 

I just try to be as practical as I can in life, except when doing so violates my morals. It's cheaper and less stressful to just be very, very practical.

 

One of the things the kids miss about America is the equality (relative, anyway) among people. They're appalled by the still-lingering caste system here in India. They don't understand why Americans don't want the social benefits the French system offers, yet they think many French try to take advantage of it. I think that by living in 3 countries, our kids have gotten a chance to make a lot of comparisons of the various systems, and are getting an idea of what might work best in different areas.

 

You know, I think growing up this way is probably making them much more flexible than kids growing up in just one culture.

 

ETA: Dd15 made the comment that she thinks our family is very stable, and that we could live anywhere, because of that stable core. She said no matter what would be happening outside our apartment, inside our apartment is a system that works, and because of that we could cope with whatever would be outside. I don't know if that's true, but I thought it was an interesting reflection.

Edited November 13, 2010 by jld

[regentrude]

We have decided that part of giving them a secure place to call home is reducing the trips to their other passport country. ... in the mean time, their security in this one location and culture is what we are aiming for.

 

 

Interesting perspective.

We are quite at the opposite end. DH and I are both German, the kids are German citizens, and we live in the US. We are trying very hard to give our kids an actual option of choosing where they want to live when they are grown up. We are raising them bilingually and make sure that they not only speak, but read and write German fluently. We embrace American traditions and take part in the culture (we even celebrate Thanksgiving, even though we have no family in this country and it is obviously not celebrated back home - no pilgrims and Indians.) We try to visit Germany as often as we can, so the kids can develop an actual home feeling for it as well, and get to see their extended family (all gradparents, aunts, uncles, cousins).

I think home is not just where you live - for me, home is where your family has its roots. No matter how hard I try to feel as if I belong here (I have lived in the US for 12 years), missing my childhood friends, my parents and siblings means this can not be "home".

Despite this conflict, my kids are growing up secure in their identities as Germans living in the US. they may later decide where they want to live; my goal is that they feel at home in both places.

[mommaduck]

mommaduck,

 

I don't think it's the area that you were made to move back to as much as the age you were at the time of that move. Dh & I had decided when we moved to NZ that if we ever were ex-pats again it wouldn't be when our dc were teens. Dh's job would have required us to move every year or so & we felt that was just too unsettling for teens. Teens have enough challenges in their lives as is.

 

JMHO,

We moved back when I was nine. That was when kids in that area were just starting to get at their worst. It seemed that middle to upper elementary was just a really bad time for kids to come back. It took the rest of our school years to adjust. Many of my former classmates have gotten back in touch (courtesy of FB), and we seem to have similar stories. It became, trying to survive school years till we could escape into adult lives.

 

But then, I wasn't homeschooled ;) I'm glad that you are considering your children and what they will deal with. I don't think previous generations really thought much about it other than the assumption, "they're kids, they'll adjust".

Edited November 13, 2010 by mommaduck

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I think that it is hard to pin down what is "American" because much of that depends on regional distinctives. I moved from Washington state to Texas my senior year of high school and I was incredibly out of the loop for that whole year.

 

Something that I've seen many military families do is have a home base that isn't related to where they've lived. So if they are posted to Virginia or Florida or Hawaii or Japan or Germany; "home base" is someplace like where the grandparents live or a camp that they return to year after year. We've kept my inlaws home town and a Christian retreat center as our touchstone places. These give my kids a place where they know what to expect and what to look forward to.

 

There are pluses and minuses to third culture life, not just for the kids either. I've often found when we return "home" that things aren't quite like I'd remembered. Or I find that I'm wistful for something from a home far away and long ago, either in my passport country or in one of the places we've lived along the way.

[Laura Corin]

Interesting perspective.

We are quite at the opposite end. DH and I are both German, the kids are German citizens, and we live in the US. We are trying very hard to give our kids an actual option of choosing where they want to live when they are grown up. We are raising them bilingually and make sure that they not only speak, but read and write German fluently.

 

 

They are not American citizens living in Scotland. They are British citizens living in one of their natal passport countries. This is home. The US could have been home too, but circumstances fell out to make this choice for us. For that matter, they have the right to live in Hong Kong too, but that's not home either. When we lived in China, we worked hard to keep connections with their passport countries, because at that time they were living abroad. Now they are not.

 

It's a coincidence that their two passport countries share a language. If they did not, then I would certainly be trying to bring them up strong in their other language.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[asta]

Kid has spent half of his life out of the US. We have no "home" to return to, no centralized "family base" to visit. So, like someone else mentioned, we tend just to not visit. It is all kind of overwhelmingly "big" anyway. We don't currently live in a "Wal-martized" world, so the largeness of America is amplified the few times we do go back there.

 

This is not to say we don't like the US - not at all - just that it is always a HUGE culture shock, and one that kid never quite got over the last time we went back for a chunk of time. He has a "foreign" mindset, having spent his formative years abroad, and does not see the world the way his US cousins et al do.

 

One thing we are planning is to buy a chunk of land in the US for an "ancestral home". We want kid to have a place in the world that he can go back to, no matter what. He has never had that. And, unless he signs on with a foreign firm, it is not like he can stay abroad - he has only a US passport.

[Jamee]

Kid has spent half of his life out of the US. We have no "home" to return to, no centralized "family base" to visit. So, like someone else mentioned, we tend just to not visit. It is all kind of overwhelmingly "big" anyway. We don't currently live in a "Wal-martized" world, so the largeness of America is amplified the few times we do go back there.

 

This is not to say we don't like the US - not at all - just that it is always a HUGE culture shock, and one that kid never quite got over the last time we went back for a chunk of time. He has a "foreign" mindset, having spent his formative years abroad, and does not see the world the way his US cousins et al do.

 

One thing we are planning is to buy a chunk of land in the US for an "ancestral home". We want kid to have a place in the world that he can go back to, no matter what. He has never had that. And, unless he signs on with a foreign firm, it is not like he can stay abroad - he has only a US passport.

 

 

This sounds a lot like us to an extent. My youngest knows Asia much better than he does the US and has lived longer out here than in the US. He consideres Korea to be "home." My oldest has more memories of life in America, but is getting to the point where he'll almost have lived longer outside the US than in and we have no plans of going back any time soon. Even when we lived in the US, the 6 years we were there, we moved four times so we don't even really have someplace there to call "home." Sure there are the places our family lives, but neither is a place that we want to live.

 

The kids have adapted very well and look forward to whatever the next adventure brings us. We hope to be in Japan a few more years before moving to Europe, we'll see. I also agree that the reverse culture shock is much more shocking. On our trip home this summer, we were all shocked at how large everything was, how fast everything moved. Places we had been looking forward to seeing weren't as great as we remembered.

 

I'm glad my kids are growing up internationally though. This hit home the first time DS and I were home for a summer, two years ago. We were eating in Jack in the Box in the middle of my small, hometown and he mentioned that it was a shame that this was all some people knew and had no desire to see more. We had taken my sister to visit a college in Los Angeles, and DS loved it. He wasn't phased at all by the traffic, people, etc yet it scared my sister to death!:001_huh: She never left home, just three hours away.

 

I find it all fascinating and I'm curious how my kids will look back on their youth. What they're going to do about college, etc. I'm not too worried though, it will all work out in the end.

[asta]

I'm glad my kids are growing up internationally though. This hit home the first time DS and I were home for a summer, two years ago. We were eating in Jack in the Box in the middle of my small, hometown and he mentioned that it was a shame that this was all some people knew and had no desire to see more. We had taken my sister to visit a college in Los Angeles, and DS loved it. He wasn't phased at all by the traffic, people, etc yet it scared my sister to death!:001_huh: She never left home, just three hours away.

 

Kid has said this exact thing.

[Susan in KY]

I don't see any TV shows on your list, and from what I can tell, lines from TV shows, commercials, and movies are some of the most culturally mystifying aspects of life for the TCK or immigrant to the US. My foreign-born dh will frequently lean over and ask me what reference was being made when we are in a group of folks and everyone laughs but he doesn't know why. Now that we don't watch tv, I find that *I* don't get some jokes either, and neither do my dc.

 

In that regard, your best friend is YouTube. I have found that the most popular scenes from tv and movies wind up there, along with commercials. So, every once in a while, dc and I sit down look at commercials or cartoons or something to get them up-to-speed on the popular culture. It's really helped them when they are with their peers, and I imagine it'll help later on, in business. Besides YouTube, you can always make sure they see the really popular movies, like Toy Story (which my dc still haven't seen!) and whatnot. People make reference to those all the time, and without it, dc are missing a big chunk of Americana. (I'll get around to borrowing it from the library at some point....)

 

My good friend, who is a TCK, said this aspect is the worst about coming back as an older teen, and knew exactly what dh meant when he said it drives him batty.

 

 

Please add to the list below of any experinces that you feel is important in our shared American culture. These are things that help to make ex-pat children feel they "belong" & help to understand why & how things work in our society. Never having experiences these things work to make one feel the "outsider." (I grew up in New England, so some of your choices may be different from mine)

 

---watching fireworks on the 4th of July

---raking up leaves into a big pile & jumping in it

---Trick-or-Treating at Halloween

---making a Jack-o-Lantern

---sharing Thanksgiving dinner with the extended family (a huge turkey, all the fixings, & lots of pies for dessert)

---Christmas carols door-to-door

---seeing the beautiful Christmas lights on the houses

---Watching the ball fall on New Year's Eve in Time Square (on TV)

---exchanging valentines

---coloring Easter Eggs

---Easter Egg hunts

---baseball

---making s'mores over an open fire

---Scouts

---Memorial Day / Vetern Day parades

---saying the Pledge of Aliegence

---running through a sprinkler on a hot summer day

---seeing a raccoon, squirrel, skunk, chipmunk, etc.

---making a snowman or a snowfort

---having a snowball fight

---sledding down a a big hill

 

These are things that IMHO many Americans experience growing up.

[TravelingChris]

WE were overseas for a while (3 years). We lived on the economy and therefore our lives were more integrated with the locals. A lot of our shopping, most of our going out, and most of our activities were either in the local economy or in the international base, not the American base which was further. We did attend chapel at the American base. I didn't know how differently each of my children would react. My oldest (14-16) stayed American but broadened his outlook. My middle (9-12) was confused about some things when she moved back but while she loved living there, has reintegrated fully. My youngest (6-9) has had the hardest time. It is strange since she is almost 14 now but she really strongly associates with that country. I have met some other children who were away at that time period and it seems to be a crucial time for many of them. For example, I was using Saxon math with her there and we did the meeting time but we did it in French and with the European way of ordering the week since that was what she was seeing everywhere. She still wants to do it like that. (Week starts on Monday).

 

In terms of American culture, we have lived in places here in the US where we didn't have snow (island in Florida) or we didn't have falling leaves (most places here in the US= CA, NM, FL but in abundance in Europe). My kids have changes cultures a few times each since the culture of each region was so different. New Mexico with it's strong Spanish and Indian heritage, Florida islands, California delta, all of these were different cultures from the American norm. I think where we are living now is probably closest to the norm though speeded up tremendously and highly ambitious. My youngest is lamenting that we will probably move back to NM but I think she will really find she likes it better there now. For her, who isn't a go go go achiever, the slower and more deliberate pace should suit her better. This area was great for my very ambitious and super hard working older daughter.

[treestarfae]

My hubby grew up a duel citizen. He could always move back to France if he wished. I think he really likes the US though. I don't think I'd move to France as beautiful as it is. I've been gone from Boston for the past ten years after growing up there and loving New England. I miss it but my priorities are elsewhere, I have found new places to love. The colleges in New England are great if that's what they have in mind. I love these books for kids about the states http://www.amazon.com/Mayflower-Massachusetts-Alphabet-Discover-America/dp/1585360724 I will try to think think about things you haven't listed. I can chat about New England anytime!

[mommaduck]

This sounds a lot like us to an extent. My youngest knows Asia much better than he does the US and has lived longer out here than in the US. He consideres Korea to be "home." My oldest has more memories of life in America, but is getting to the point where he'll almost have lived longer outside the US than in and we have no plans of going back any time soon. Even when we lived in the US, the 6 years we were there, we moved four times so we don't even really have someplace there to call "home." Sure there are the places our family lives, but neither is a place that we want to live.

 

The kids have adapted very well and look forward to whatever the next adventure brings us. We hope to be in Japan a few more years before moving to Europe, we'll see. I also agree that the reverse culture shock is much more shocking. On our trip home this summer, we were all shocked at how large everything was, how fast everything moved. Places we had been looking forward to seeing weren't as great as we remembered.

 

I'm glad my kids are growing up internationally though. This hit home the first time DS and I were home for a summer, two years ago. We were eating in Jack in the Box in the middle of my small, hometown and he mentioned that it was a shame that this was all some people knew and had no desire to see more. We had taken my sister to visit a college in Los Angeles, and DS loved it. He wasn't phased at all by the traffic, people, etc yet it scared my sister to death!:001_huh: She never left home, just three hours away.

 

I find it all fascinating and I'm curious how my kids will look back on their youth. What they're going to do about college, etc. I'm not too worried though, it will all work out in the end.

:iagree:w/your DS.

[Teachaheart]

Focusing on the "stability" factor previously mentioned:

 

TCKs are a mixed bag. My stepdad wanted to stay in HIS home state after we came back stateside. So he arranged it. I hated it. Hate that state, could care less if I ever step foot back there again. I don't fit, not in that place, not with those people, not with people that want you to "fit" into their "box", etc. It was supposed to be the "stability" for us kids. Sure, on my brother that was two upon our return, it was. For me, it was pure hell. Ironically, that particular brother and I have both moved to the east coast. As a kid, I'd have rather stayed in the Pacific, even knowing I was "different" than most of my classmates. It's easier to be the outsider when it's obvious you are the outsider than to be the outsider while everyone is expecting you to fit in and can't figure out why you don't. Even after all my years back here, I finally had one pastor nail it down...we're like immigrants in our own land. I know other TCKs that returned stateside about the same time or within a couple of years to the same area as we settled...and it's pretty much the same. Sometimes I wonder if we just got a crappy area.

 

That is exactly how I felt when I returned to the States for college!

 

And the TV and movie references...I still don't get those.

 

While I still think of myself as a global nomad currently stranded in one place, I am personally thankful for my upbringing because I have a much broader view of the world than so many people I meet who have never been out of their home state except to go to Disney or someplace like that. I also know that I am capable of making a home anywhere I go even though I really have no concept of a permanent home.